Author Topic: Boundaries and accountability  (Read 901 times)

Devalued

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Boundaries and accountability
« on: June 26, 2019, 05:59:23 PM »
Hello all.  I'm new to this forum but not to my partner's online sex and porn addiction.  I have recently found out that his use of porn was much greater than I previously thought.  I've known it had an affect on our relationship, but the extent of it explains the total disintegration of our sex life and almost our relationship as a whole.

I cannot and will not live like this any longer.  It took me way too long to get to this decision and I know if I leave I will be okay and do the work to find healing for myself.  I do believe he does love me and wants to have a mutually fulfilling relationship.  As with any addiction, until it is treated, one can't put anything or anyone ahead of their addiction.

One of the requirements for me staying for now is that he goes to therapy with certified sex addiction counsellor and does the work needed for recovery.  I didn't expect this to happen but he made contact with one that I think has a solid foundation and plan for recovery.  He had his first session two days ago.
He really liked the therapist and felt able share everything with her.  She pulled no punches told him that he is textbook case of a sex/porn addict.  That she could work with him but that it would be very hard work and would take time also.  That he had to find the root causes or he'll either relapse frequently or develop another addiction which has happened in the past.

Due to the past porn and cyber sex activities and from reading I have done I believe he needs both a blocker and accountability software on his tablet which is the only way he has to access the internet.  Although not technically savvy, he has found a rather simple way to get around a blocker we tried.  Therefore I feel accountability is essential.  When I told him I found one that I liked he listened until I told him that it monitors not only websites visited, but also within his apps.  Then I got the "everyone needs some privacy."  Not true when you have destroyed trust and inflicted the pain of this nature.  I personally believe that in a relationship everything should be open, honest and transparent.  So I believe and told him I feel his commitment to recovery isn't fully there and he is up to no good within his apps or email as that was one thing he specifically mentioned.   I also requested he ask his therapist her thoughts on this which he agreed to do.  This is the counsellor who told him that when I go out on my own and he is home alone, that I should take the power cable to our router with me.  Brilliant!  And as it came from her, I don't have to hear it is me trying to control him.  He didn't need to tell me that but chose to as he felt it could be a good tool for him.

I think I'm looking for some validation that what I need and these boundaries are reasonable and essential not only for us to try to repair all this damage to our relationship, but also for his recovery.  Any thoughts and replies will be very welcome.

Thanks much.

devalued
« Last Edit: June 26, 2019, 08:20:32 PM by Devalued »

Redfire03

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Re: Boundaries and accountability
« Reply #1 on: June 27, 2019, 07:11:48 PM »
Coming from a man. I like the actions you are taking, they seem very reasonable and firm. I believe a big help may have him join the forum. Also any social media, Facebook, Instagram, snapchat, pinterest,  they all need to go. They are very hard triggers. I believe after a long period of time everyone can break free. I took everything off my phone. I dont have blockers,  but I have full trust in myself now. I am over 450 days of no porn or pmo. It can be done...... dont lose hope. Damage is done, i hurt my wife and i regret it very much. I lost her because of this and it really shows you how stupid it was to be addicted to porn like really... have him watch your brain on porn... deff a good video. Be open he loves you beloved me he does.. but he needs your help but.. but be very firm with him.

aquarius25

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Re: Boundaries and accountability
« Reply #2 on: June 29, 2019, 02:11:29 PM »
I think it is great that he is seeing a counselor and that you are setting boundaries!!! It really is essential for both of your healing and the relationship as a whole. Welcome to the site as well. I am sorry you are in this mess but I am glad you found support! All of your requests sound reasonable. I would continue to communicate and when you feel like you need to add a boundary then speak up and do so. I would also encourage you both to read some books together and discuss. That was something my husband and I did and I feel like it really helped us get on the same communication level. It helped us discuss how we are feeling and we had a lot of constructive conversation from those books. We would read  a chapter together and this discuss almost every night. Our favorite was "Love you, Hate Porn" and "Hold Me Tight".

Welcome again!

Devalued

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Re: Boundaries and accountability
« Reply #3 on: July 01, 2019, 05:36:04 PM »
Thank you Redfire and Aquarius for your replies.  I truly appreciate you taking the time to help me.  He explained his reluctance to the accountability app the next day.  An online older dating site he had signed up to sends emails when someone likes your profile or sends you a message.  Although it was painful to hear it, him telling the truth is a huge positive!  Painful honesty is much, much better than the lies.  He also closed his account there, and asked me to watch him do that.  Another positive for sure.  I have to admit I laughed when I found out the only way to view your messages is to change to a paid account. 

He is completely willing for both a blocker and accountability app to go on his tablet and that he doesn't have the pin.  His counsellor agreed that they are good tools for him.  She also will be his accountability partner.  That is not something I want to do at this point.

This is the hardest road I've ever walked.  There are days that I question my sanity for staying here.  In many ways it would be a lot easier to leave.  For now I am committing to staying as long as he continues his recovery.  A big part of that is him learning to be completely honest.  I know it will take time and a lot of work for him.  So I will probably be asking more questions etc.  Thank you both again.

Redfire03

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Re: Boundaries and accountability
« Reply #4 on: July 01, 2019, 07:07:14 PM »
All you can do at this point is say you tried everything possible to help him and if it does not work only he is to blame because you did  EVERYTHING in your power. The rest is up to him.... continue to support him. Ask him what he wants from you, help him cope help him keep his mind focus on you. Love him.. care for him. Show him you want this to work.. I can only wish my ex is taking the steps you are.. so he needs to understand that and appreciate the work you are putting in as well.