Author Topic: Like a Phoenix, I have risen from the flames - UPDATE on Relapse...  (Read 27589 times)

Havetodothis40

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Re: Like a Phoenix, I have risen from the flames - UPDATE 30 DAYS FREE
« Reply #25 on: October 02, 2014, 06:11:08 PM »
Congrats on the 30 days,  That is a good streak.

I hope you keep doing great.

savingmysoul

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Re: Like a Phoenix, I have risen from the flames - UPDATE 30 DAYS FREE
« Reply #26 on: October 03, 2014, 11:16:15 AM »
Grats on the 30 day mark!
You are doing great!


Pheonix

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Re: Like a Phoenix, I have risen from the flames - UPDATE 30 DAYS FREE
« Reply #27 on: October 03, 2014, 11:46:57 AM »
Thanks everyone.

I had a weird dream last night: I was in an adult book store and purchased a couple of pornographic magazines. Then I started thinking about how this is going to set me back to day one. All the guilt started flooding in. I looked down at this bag of magazines and threw them in the trash before looking at them! The guilt dissipated and I felt very good about having control to do the right thing.

I think my mind is getting on the right track!


savingmysoul

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Re: Like a Phoenix, I have risen from the flames - UPDATE 30 DAYS FREE
« Reply #28 on: October 03, 2014, 11:50:48 AM »
Yep!  That is your mind starting to turn the corner.

Pheonix

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Re: Like a Phoenix, I have risen from the flames - UPDATE 30 DAYS FREE
« Reply #29 on: October 08, 2014, 08:52:19 AM »
Today is day 36 no PMO, day 30 no MO!

I have to say, I can hardly believe the second streak. I have gone months without PMO before, but never any significant time without MO. At first I thought it would be difficult or impossible (and questioned why I would do that anyway!). Now I find I don't think about it much. I think that has helped me to keep on track (the no MO has allowed me to get on the healing track and stay on it). I have no doubt I can be free forever.

To those just starting our or not yet committed - the rewards are there and it gets much easier!


savingmysoul

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Re: Like a Phoenix, I have risen from the flames - UPDATE 30 DAYS FREE
« Reply #30 on: October 08, 2014, 08:57:22 AM »
Youre doing fantastic!

It is an amazing feeling how the healthy behaviors are able to replace all those PMO thoughts now that they are less and less each day.  As it gets easier, it is important to embrace that positive change and leverage it moving forward.

P & M has no place in our lives!  It simply is not an option.

Pheonix

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Re: Like a Phoenix, I have risen from the flames - UPDATE 30 DAYS FREE
« Reply #31 on: October 09, 2014, 09:03:52 AM »
SMS,

Thanks as always for your encouragement and feedback.

Your message reminded me of what I have been thinking about recently - The thoughts that come up in my head that used to lead to PMO still come up, but less frequently. The difference is that I have become very good at deflecting them and not entertaining them. They are dismissed immediately. I feel like a ninja killing off all those pesky thoughts that crop up. They become less and less powerful every time I defeat one. It is good to get pissed at those thoughts and imagine killing them off one by one!

Have a great day.

-P


unchained

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Re: Like a Phoenix, I have risen from the flames - UPDATE 30 DAYS FREE
« Reply #32 on: October 09, 2014, 09:35:01 AM »
I like your ninja analogy.

For me it helps to be aggressive against the thoughts, it is empowering. At 1st, my thoughts were more like running away...like a child covering his ears and screaming. Now I go after them, kick them out of my head.  I am on the offensive and it puts me in power, not the porn.

Pheonix

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Re: Like a Phoenix, I have risen from the flames - UPDATE 30 DAYS FREE
« Reply #33 on: October 15, 2014, 07:41:54 AM »
Just a quick check in - I am on day 43 no PMO, day 37 no MO. Things are great. I don't have nearly as many thoughts about old behaviors and when I do they have no power over me. Sex with my wife is amazing. I had no idea how much effect porn had on my life! I am glad to be free of it.


savingmysoul

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Re: Like a Phoenix, I have risen from the flames - UPDATE 30 DAYS FREE
« Reply #34 on: October 15, 2014, 10:42:07 AM »
Great News!  So glad to hear.

Stay strong!

Pheonix

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Re: Like a Phoenix, I have risen from the flames - UPDATE 45 DAYS FREE
« Reply #35 on: October 17, 2014, 08:45:54 AM »
Day 45 no PMO! Things are going well and still on track. Things look a little better and brighter every day. Porn is not an option!


Pheonix

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Re: Like a Phoenix, I have risen from the flames - UPDATE 45 DAYS FREE
« Reply #36 on: October 19, 2014, 12:25:58 PM »
I had a weird dream last night. I'm sure others can relate!

In my dream I realized that i had contracted an STD. Not really sure what it was, but it doesn't matter. It involved sores on my genitals. In real life, this is one of those things that always scared me about my addiction. My addiction to porn led me to hook up in a lot of risky situations and I am lucky to have stayed healthy. When I woke up, I had that relief that I don't have to worry about that anymore. I have no interest in putting my heath at risk any more. This is another positive thought that I can use to keep on track forever. Porn is not an option!


CrazyGopher

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Re: Like a Phoenix, I have risen from the flames - UPDATE 45 DAYS FREE
« Reply #37 on: October 22, 2014, 08:49:32 PM »
Your progress is a source of inspiration for me. Thank you for sharing it with us.


Pheonix

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Re: Like a Phoenix, I have risen from the flames - UPDATE 45 DAYS FREE
« Reply #38 on: October 23, 2014, 07:28:59 AM »
Thanks CG! Looks like you are on 12 days. The first two weeks were the hardest for me. It does get easier!

Today marks another milestone -  45 days with MO! I can honestly say I don't miss it. That doesn't mean I don't think about it once in a while, but I am not seriously tempted. I have had real sex about 4 times during this reboot and it has been really amazing. The only "problem" I have now is my sensitivity has gone from almost nothing to through the roof. It does not take very long to reach orgasm. It is over too quickly! Generally, a good problem to have considering.


horpio

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Re: Like a Phoenix, I have risen from the flames - UPDATE 45 DAYS FREE
« Reply #39 on: October 23, 2014, 07:12:30 PM »
Congrats on your milestone Pheonix  8) I think you have a good 'problem' which could lead to an even better sex life once you discover how to prolong reaching O.
« Last Edit: October 23, 2014, 11:10:49 PM by horpio »

Pheonix

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Re: Like a Phoenix, I have risen from the flames - UPDATE 65 DAYS FREE
« Reply #40 on: November 06, 2014, 10:55:05 PM »
Hello Nation. I have not been on this site for several weeks. I have been overloaded with work and have several trips that I am working around. I just got back from Austin for the USGP and now am on the way to Germany for a week. Life is busy! This is just a quick check in to let everyone know I am completely on track and have now reached 65 days with no PMO! I am also at 59 days no MO. 2 months ago I didn't know I had the strength. Now I have no doubt. Porn is not an option and it hardly crosses my mind anymore. There are way too many other great things to use my time on!

For those on the fence, come on over. Life is good on this side!

-P


horpio

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Re: Like a Phoenix, I have risen from the flames - UPDATE 65 DAYS FREE
« Reply #41 on: November 07, 2014, 07:48:15 PM »
2 months ago I didn't know I had the strength. Now I have no doubt. Porn is not an option and it hardly crosses my mind anymore. There are way too many other great things to use my time on!

 :D Agreed

HoosierState

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Re: Like a Phoenix, I have risen from the flames - UPDATE 65 DAYS FREE
« Reply #42 on: November 11, 2014, 06:26:40 PM »
Awesome to read from the start of your journal to the end.  A mere 65 days or so, and now ...life changing results.  As we all know PMO habits take years to develop and yet - people (if you try) can see changes in themselves they could not have seen - a mere 65 days earlier.  There's real hope here folks (and a lot more if you just start today)
« Last Edit: November 11, 2014, 06:28:33 PM by HoosierState »

savingmysoul

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Re: Like a Phoenix, I have risen from the flames - UPDATE 65 DAYS FREE
« Reply #43 on: November 12, 2014, 02:56:21 PM »
Great to hear from you Phoenix -
Glad to hear you are on track and in a good place.

Continue to embrace your strength.

Albert

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Re: Like a Phoenix, I have risen from the flames - UPDATE 65 DAYS FREE
« Reply #44 on: November 12, 2014, 08:22:29 PM »
Fantastic your sharing your experience - when you saw you didn't know if you have the strenght, it makes sense for my own experience. Thanks for encouraged me. Best wishes
  First attempt

Pheonix

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Re: Like a Phoenix, I have risen from the flames - UPDATE 65 DAYS FREE
« Reply #45 on: November 19, 2014, 02:54:31 PM »
Awesome to read from the start of your journal to the end.  A mere 65 days or so, and now ...life changing results.  As we all know PMO habits take years to develop and yet - people (if you try) can see changes in themselves they could not have seen - a mere 65 days earlier.  There's real hope here folks (and a lot more if you just start today)

Hoosier - Thanks I am glad this is helpful. Writing the journal has helped me stay on the right track. I am glad that it is also helpful to inspire others. The changes that can take place in a relatively short time are remarkable. I feel like I am completely recovered - no sexual disfunction and no desire to look at porn. Plus, my overall mood is so much better. Life is good!


Pheonix

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Re: Like a Phoenix, I have risen from the flames - UPDATE 65 DAYS FREE
« Reply #46 on: November 19, 2014, 02:55:55 PM »
Great to hear from you Phoenix -
Glad to hear you are on track and in a good place.

Continue to embrace your strength.

Thanks SMS. It is good to hear from you. 78 days for me. I hope you are doing well too.


Pheonix

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Re: Like a Phoenix, I have risen from the flames - UPDATE 65 DAYS FREE
« Reply #47 on: November 19, 2014, 02:57:27 PM »
Fantastic your sharing your experience - when you saw you didn't know if you have the strenght, it makes sense for my own experience. Thanks for encouraged me. Best wishes

Thanks Albert. I know now that we all have the strength. It seems so hard in the beginning but if we are willing to fight for our lives, we can win. Keep it up! It is so worth it.


Pheonix

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Re: Like a Phoenix, I have risen from the flames - UPDATE 65 DAYS FREE
« Reply #48 on: November 19, 2014, 03:06:52 PM »
Hi Nation. It has been a while since I checked in. Things are good and I have made it to 78 days. I don't think much about the number of days anymore. I'm not worried about making it anymore. Porn is not an option for me.

My outlook continues to change slightly the more time I get in recovery. I don't feel obsessed by sex anymore. I don't think about it nearly as much. But, when the time is right I have no problem performing and no anxiety about it. I know I will get fully erect (I had forgotten how hard it should get!) and have no problem with orgasm.

Another interesting change to note: I used to have pretty low volume of semen and nothing more than a dribble when I orgasmed. Now, I have a volume and distance that would impress a porn star. Maybe a weird thing to be happy about, but I have to admit it is pretty cool :-)

Fight for you freedom from porn! It is so worth it.


Pheonix

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Re: Like a Phoenix, I have risen from the flames - UPDATE 90 DAYS FREE!!!
« Reply #49 on: December 02, 2014, 10:58:17 AM »
Wow... I have made it to 91 days no PMO! And 85 days no MO. Life really has changed!

On the positives - I think about life a lot differently now and do not crave porn. I have a lot more mental energy for more productive things. The best part of being free is that I am better able to experience life in the moment. It is nice to live life in the now. My sex life feels completely rebooted. I have no problems with arousal, erection, or orgasm. Sex is MUCH better now. I don't experience it very often, so when I do, I make sure I give it my full attention and experience it for all it is worth. I now remember what sex is supposed to be like!

Challenges - As William will attest, just because you make a milestone does not mean you are cured. I can tell that I am not cured because I still have sexualized thoughts and still desire other off limits activities (no desire for porn or other internet based sex, but I do think about doing other things - seeking affairs, going to massage parlors, etc). I think this is partly because my sex drive is fully restored but after many years of marriage, my wife and I do not have sex very often (3 times in the last 90 days). So I think I am seeking out sex in other ways. Perhaps my next step is to have 90 days without entertaining a single sexual thought other than with my wife. Still more work to do! I guess my main challenge is to redefine what acceptable sexual behavior includes in my new life. Need to define the boundaries that I can never cross. For example, will masterbation ever be ok?

Regrets - Many of us who are addicted to dopamine are addicted to other things. We have addictive personalities. I know that is me. I have been addicted to many things in my life and have kicked several of them completely. But I still have some left. Namely, alcohol and food. I have leaned on these other addictions heavily during my reboot to offset some of the loss. This is NOT a healthy way of kicking an addiction! I have been drunk way too many times and gained some weight. I should have found a healthy replacement for my addiction instead of leaning heavily on other dependencies. That is my next step - to find my passion that is a productive and fulfilling use of my new found energy and time on.

Of note - I still have very intense sexual dreams frequently. These dreams involve some extremely deviant behavior, the thought of which would have triggered me in the past. I wake up from these rock hard and extremely arroused. I also find that the feeling fades pretty quickly and I just need to get up, distract myself with some other activity, and I get past it. I guess this is the most difficult part of the addiction that remains but I know I can manage it.

Thanks for reading.... You can do this! And it is totally worth it.