Author Topic: Topic 1268 (Journal)  (Read 1371 times)

switched_off_again

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 86
    • View Profile
Re: Topic 1268 (Journal)
« Reply #25 on: June 24, 2019, 05:09:16 PM »
Hi Idunno - as others have said, so much of what you have written resonates with my own experience. Being anxious about my leeriness, not knowing if porn has contributed to my sterile sex life, or vice versa, at times feeling comfortable with porn but knowing that it really isn't good for me - that dreadful melancholic empty feeling the day after...

And sorry to read of the other stresses in your life - again I can empathise with this - but I'll shut up - it's your journal, not mine!

Stay strong and hope the mood lifts soon. One thing I have learned from the roller coaster I have been on since last September, is the porn induced times of anxiety and depression are only temporary - I've had lots of real ups along the way to!
This is my old journal. Just I ever feel the need to read from start to finish.
http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=16467.0

jixu

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 178
    • View Profile
Re: Topic 1268 (Journal)
« Reply #26 on: June 25, 2019, 05:37:53 AM »
Great to hear from you-nice work on the 55.  It isn't easy with ailing parents-raw difficulties, no other way to put it. 

idunno

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 57
    • View Profile
Re: Topic 1268 (Journal)
« Reply #27 on: July 04, 2019, 12:41:44 AM »
Thank you jixu.

64 days now. I've probably gone that long before a few times. I remind myself that I don't know what the future holds in terms of this current effort. I still can't see myself going back, but who knows.

I probably have personality issues to deal with. I'm cranky much of the time, fairly paranoid about other people and their intentions. I've got my share of bitterness about life, and about people around me. Porn never helped any of these things, obviously. But it's not like I take porn out of the picture and all of the sudden there's this great life there waiting for me. Withdrawal from a long-time crutch or substance can lead to these feelings, I know, but to some degree I think I'm just like that. Using porn was an escape from the unpleasant feelings that arise from these issues. It compounded the issues, but they pre-exist my porn use.

idunno

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 57
    • View Profile
Re: Topic 1268 (Journal)
« Reply #28 on: July 08, 2019, 08:08:52 AM »
Here's a way I think porn has affected me, that I've been thinking about lately. It has to do with being in conflict with others. It could be an argument with my spouse, or a disagreement with someone I'm doing some project with, or even a small conflict with someone out in public. I'm a conflict-averse person anyway, and tend to be late on the uptake (not realizing I've been slighted or treated badly until the incident is over and it's too late to respond, then I stew!). But porn has made it much worse, by increasing this sense that I don't have any legs to stand on when it comes to taking a position against someone else.

How it works is that inwardly, I somehow feel like I deserve every bad thing that happens to me, because of the pathetic level I've sunk to with porn. I don't feel any inner strength when it comes to holding my ground against someone else in an argument -- after all, I haven't even had the barest of inner strength to stop porn masturbation for the last 30 years. Hopefully that latter part is changing now. But in conflict, as my mind searches around to justify or find weaknesses in my own position, and in the position of the person I'm in conflict with (when my mind's in "battle mode"), I often end up thinking suddenly of my porn use.

It appears in my mind in a harsh, self-deprecatory light, as proof that I'm disingenuous and don't deserve respect. It's like: how can I expect to assert myself in a conflict with someone when, if they knew the truth, they'd laugh their ass off at this pathetic spectacle of me in my porn frenzy? How can I even consider taking up a principled position on anything, when I have no principles? That's how the thinking goes, anyway. It's one of the ways my perception of my porn use has come into play. Just knowing that I'm a porn addict has me sunk before a conflict even begins. Like I said, conflict is hard for me anyway, but porn has made it worse. I can't look other people in the eye, maybe because the truth is too painful.

workinprogressUK

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 437
  • Personal Text
    I get knocked down but i get up again
    • View Profile
Re: Topic 1268 (Journal)
« Reply #29 on: July 09, 2019, 03:43:21 AM »
So many "ditto" moments reading your posts, idunno. Not using P doesn't make me happier. Not using P doesn't make me more likeable. Not using P has left me in an existence where I have to face all the unresolved issues that I used to medicate with P.

The fact that you used P for years doesn't make you a bad person. You started to use P for a reason. Maybe that was a result of trauma or emotional difficulties and P helped you to not feel the pain for a while? Maybe not. But it became a habit that self-perpetuated and, because of the way our brains prioritise the neural pathways that get used most and ignore the ones that don't get used.... P became increasingly dominant in your brain function. You know all this, though... right? Sensitisation... desensitisation.... hypofrontality etc. The fact that you became dependent on an addictive brain chemical doesn't make you any less worthy of respect, love and affection than everybody else.

Like you, I'm finding it incredibly difficult to be assertive, because in my own shame-filled, head, I don't deserve a leg to stand on. I always feel guilty inside, which sounds like what you're saying. And the inability to be appropriately assertive can make me resentful, bitter and prone to being an ass-hat, which again sounds like the way you feel.

My post is too long and becoming self-centred, so I'll get to the point. Your post reminded me of day-1 in residential therapy. You deserve love, empathy and respect. You've had an illness that you're trying to heal. Once you stop using your drug (P in our case), you need to try to work through the reasons you were using P and try to find other ways of dealing with those sources of discomfort. As you make that journey, you may continue to feel regret but you will hopefully stop feeling shame. You have no reason to feel shame while you're fighting to live the healthier life you want to. Once you've been able to reduce the feelings of shame, you might find a way to express your wants and needs with more assertiveness, which could reduce your feelings of bitterness and resentment. Just being here today and staying clean is a good thing you can do to evolve a happier life. There are loads of books and websites that tell this story much more eloquently and usefully than I do. Are you doing any study or therapy to help yourself to manage those negative emotions and thoughts?

Just my thoughts. You don't have to do anything with them. Please feel free to ignore if I've typed a crock of shit.

idunno

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 57
    • View Profile
Re: Topic 1268 (Journal)
« Reply #30 on: July 09, 2019, 04:27:47 PM »
Thanks WIP, your crock of shit is great and I appreciate it all. Thanks for fleshing the thoughts out the way you have. You're right it's about guilt, and low self esteem. I'm not involved in study, but I might explore some of the material.

It's easy for me to minimize the porn issue, or more to the point to forget the fact that I'm in the midst of trying to make a really significant change in my life by quitting porn. Remembering that fact, maybe I'll be able to give myself a break more. And give others a break, because I get nastily critical of people around me, too. These days I feel paranoid and mistrustful in all directions. Not at peace at all.

With the guilt, it's like I feel I'm a contemptible wretch (regardless of the fact I'm not!). So whenever anyone in an actual or imagined way slights me or makes me feel small, I get enraged. Somehow I feel they're right, that they've correctly named things. I get incensed. Porn has increased the dynamic significantly, but I also grew up with a sort of externally enforced inability to defend myself, starting right with my dad. He was severely dominating, and then would get scornful, angry, and verbally abusive whenever I tried to assert myself. I'm pretty sure he had a porn thing, too. I knew about his stashes, and was always really embarrassed by his plain-as-day oggling of women's asses. God it was embarrassing. But anyway, even feeling dominated by someone, and not necessarily insulted, is enough to set off this chain reaction of feelings in me. It's hard to explain.

I go out about my business and errands today, and feel pretty defeated. But hopefully I'm still moving forward, just by virtue of not using porn and not going bonkers.

idunno

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 57
    • View Profile
Re: Topic 1268 (Journal)
« Reply #31 on: July 20, 2019, 05:39:37 PM »
81 days today. A few months ago when I saw someone mention 90 days, it seemed like an accomplishment out of reach. But now I'm almost there. I haven't looked at any porn. I've masturbated a handful of times (I'm fine with that), but kept a watch on my fantasies. Almost all my fantasies have their origins in porn, after all. The key for me, the most important thing, is no porn.

Sexual relations with my wife have been better, and it doesn't feel like the dangerous territory it felt like earlier. Before, it was like sex was straddling a wall -- my wife and our relations on one side, and porn, porn, and more porn on the other. I knew she didn't know about that other side, so being with her made me anxious, I think. With porn use, any non-porn arousal is threatening, since it brings up this other, hidden aspect that I want to keep hidden.

In the past few days, I've found myself remembering elements from porn at random moments -- performers, scenes, etc. -- that I haven't thought much about since quitting. It's strange, because when I remember them it's like it was just yesterday. Not much of an intervening distance in my psyche. But that's OK. I can't pretend it's just a clean break. Porn was a serious hobby of mine, so it's not going to just evaporate without some sort of reconciliation. I'm holding myself accountable for my actions, and I'm trying to lay off blaming myself for internal things.

I'm still fairly cranky and dissatisfied, but that's me. I've got my sense of humor, and whatever person I end up being in 3,6, or 12 months (and further) will just be another person (another unique spirit, or another schmuck, however you look at it!), but one who doesn't use porn, God willing! Hopefully all that focus, all the creativity that got poured into fantasy, and all that exertion (LOL) will get channeled into something else, eventually. But even if it doesn't I'm better off.

idunno

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 57
    • View Profile
Re: Topic 1268 (Journal)
« Reply #32 on: July 21, 2019, 07:14:57 PM »
One thing I noticed today, seeing several really attractive women (moms of young kids) at this nature museum I was at with my kids. I see them, I notice them, I'm struck by them somehow, but I don't care nearly as much as I did a few months ago. I'm used to having this little surge of anxiety when I'd see a woman -- her hair, shoulder, leg, whatever. It was a feeling of danger. My porn imagination would get activated out in public, I guess, and it would make me nervous, like I was going to get noticed or something. I even felt that women could read my thoughts at times. But today, and lately, I just notice women and it passes, no big deal. I don't really care if they notice a glance. I'm not leering, and a glance these days is not a porthole into some pornographic universe, like it used to be.

Porn was like a toxic part of my imagination that I would look forward to entering, whenever I had free time, or even in my own mind if I was lying down and relaxing. Now, sometimes, especially if I'm lying down for a few minutes, I'll notice my mind scanning for that "interesting" place, before I even realize what it's looking for. It's like a child, rummaging around in an attic for a toy or something fun they remember. But it's not there anymore. There's no question that if I sat myself down before a porn website, I'd go whole-hog right back into that world. But in those moments when I realize what my mind's doing -- that rummaging around for something it remembers (almost subconsciously) -- I feel a little sad. I feel the loss of something I really enjoyed, even if it was harmful and hurtful to me and others. I realize then that my mind's looking for something it won't find, and it's a bit of an empty feeling.

I would love it if I ever found a "subconscious substitute" for porn -- something my mind found pleasurable enough to seek out on its own. The way the mind goes when daydreaming. But something beneficial, social, and constructive. Maybe that's too much to ask for, I don't know.

I think I'm fortunate to be a stay-at-home dad with little time to myself. If I were going on trips, staying at hotels, like many of the people on the forum, it would be a lot harder I know.

bob

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1234
    • View Profile
Re: Topic 1268 (Journal)
« Reply #33 on: July 22, 2019, 11:46:39 AM »
Insightful words from someone moving in the right direction. I also have those  thoughts and feelings of loss of something that was such a big part of my life.

I have not given up on the idea of a substitute

Sounds like you are moving in the right direction.


jixu

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 178
    • View Profile
Re: Topic 1268 (Journal)
« Reply #34 on: July 26, 2019, 02:56:48 PM »
Here is a quote from your last post:

"I would love it if I ever found a "subconscious substitute" for porn -- something my mind found pleasurable enough to seek out on its own. The way the mind goes when daydreaming. But something beneficial, social, and constructive. Maybe that's too much to ask for, I don't know."

In your initial post or so you mentioned some disappointment concerning your academic field of study.  Is it possible that you could now seek a mini-revival in that regard, now that you have freed up some significant time?  Maybe you could work an article or do a little on the side consulting, volunteering,  or something of that nature and slowly get back in the game.  Obviously you cant do it full-time with your current responsibilities, but maybe you have thrown in the towel too early.  Kids aren't little for ever you know!       

idunno

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 57
    • View Profile
Re: Topic 1268 (Journal)
« Reply #35 on: August 15, 2019, 12:55:59 PM »
Thanks jixu and bob. I was away at a national park, and have had family visiting. I would indeed like to get something going along the lines of what you mention, jixu. I'll soon have the time to think more about it, with both girls in school. I need some increased powers of imagination, I think. As it is I tend to think I don't have much to offer. Partly that's an effect of the way the job market works, where interviewers looks at you with skepticism (I feel), and you're in this ridiculous position of tooting your own horn for every little thing you've done. The other part's a self-esteem issue, and having been a truly dedicated porn addict for so long hasn't helped that. So, I hope to work on that "substitute." Yes, and "slowly get back in the game."

107 days now. It's nice when I forget to check it for a while, and say wow, it's getting up there. At the same time, I feel bombarded by urges, and I miss the experience. As someone aptly said in one post, the "awesome dopamine surge" or something like that. I mean, those of us who've been captivated to this degree by porn know the power of that experience. It's a hard thing to let go of, and doing so leaves me feeling like I'm floundering about a bit. Porn was a real anchor, in a way. Or I used it as such. Especially in times of anxiety, as others have said, too. And now I'm without it. Online triggers are less an issue for me than daily real-life glimpses of women. Those glimpses make the doors of the abyss want to open. Like someone's knocking on those doors. My answer, I guess, is to accept boredom and unease.

I want to write more but it'll have to wait. I'm wearied from just writing this, and need to focus elsewhere for the moment. Thank you everyone for your support and your journals, I wish you patience and calm.

idunno

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 57
    • View Profile
Re: Topic 1268 (Journal)
« Reply #36 on: August 21, 2019, 09:25:05 PM »
Feeling the pull of porn these past few days. Sometimes, it's like I can feel my mind preparing for some sort of really devious logic. Yesterday in a still moment I found myself picturing my mind as divided into compartments or zones, 2 main ones. The largest was my non-porn using brain, i.e. it represented my current effort. It was encompassed by a border, and outside that border was the smaller second compartment, which was some sort of "exception" zone where I could look at porn without consequence, without it affecting the no-porn part. My imagination was trying to convince me I could engage in porn without actually impacting the "recovery" process. I recognized it, and knew it was B.S., so that's good, but it surprised me the way my mind came up with this image by itself, almost like I was dreaming or day-dreaming. Almost like the porn thinks for itself within my mind. Like it has its own machinations or like it can arrange my thoughts. Strange, but that's how it went.

idunno

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 57
    • View Profile
Re: Topic 1268 (Journal)
« Reply #37 on: August 22, 2019, 11:37:53 AM »
I had a dream about a porn performer last night. We knew each other well, and she was going with me on a camping trip or something. It was just talk and mundane trip planning in the dream, but the promise of sexual fulfillment was right there under the surface. I really want to feel that level of excitement and dopamine now.

I went to the store this morning, and saw a couple women there that absolutely made me want to cry into my shopping basket. Biting-my-lip kind of stuff. Porn provides a level of excitement -- chasing down search terms, getting ideas for new ones, following new "leads," etc. And all the while I'm lit up with lust and my heart's racing. Kindling that kind of excitement, that's what I find myself wanting to do this morning.

Then again, I could wash out my dishwasher, which has had an off smell recently. I could plan what to cook tonight. I could clean the house a bit. Mow the lawn.

Maybe one day I'll get to the point where these moments of excitement will get more productively channeled. For almost all my life, the moments have tended to grow into a conflagration, a fever-pitch of compulsive behavior. It's like going into a trance. I wonder at times if part of a deeper lure of porn, if there is one, is my wanting to be completely overcome by something.

Lero

  • Guest
Re: Topic 1268 (Journal)
« Reply #38 on: August 22, 2019, 01:02:41 PM »
I feel you, man. I can't say I can't relate to some of the things you've said. I had a dream once about a porn scene. All day I had tried to ignore it because I was dying to watch it and it kept coming to my head. Then I dreamed exactly about watching this scene but I woke up right after, feeling so turned on, as if I was in front of the computer actually watching the scene. I barely survived. I had this unbearable urge to start edging to the flashback of that dream. I painfully rescued myself from there, I don't even know how I managed to do it.

bob

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1234
    • View Profile
Re: Topic 1268 (Journal)
« Reply #39 on: August 22, 2019, 06:46:50 PM »
I wonder at times if part of a deeper lure of porn, if there is one, is my wanting to be completely overcome by something.

You think my thoughts.

My wife asked me about the level of excitement that I get from this stuff. All I could say is that its like morphine to her. She is not an addict, not even close but she has had morphine enough to know it would be her "drug of choice." Her comments, "that stuff was amazing."

Yeah, its like that.
« Last Edit: August 22, 2019, 08:01:07 PM by bob »

idunno

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 57
    • View Profile
Re: Topic 1268 (Journal)
« Reply #40 on: September 02, 2019, 02:27:35 PM »
Thank Lero and bob. The last few weeks have been strange. I've had family visiting, including my mom being here for a long stretch that's about to end. I've been thinking about porn a lot, in addition to dreaming a few times about it. And when I've seen women around that excite me, I've been going right into that mental thing, "Oh my God, look at that, oh God how I'd like to just... etc., etc." Basically, I've been in a state of real distraction.

It's reminded me of the time when I first got into porn, in high school. I was living with my mother, after my parent's divorce. I was wracked with insecurities and fears. I was lonely and unhappy. I felt somehow held back by my mom's prim and judgmental attitudes from engaging much with girls. Very judgmental, very concerned with polite surfaces, she is. It's almost a kind of psycho recipe, but porn was an outlet where all kinds of improper, overwhelming lust could just come rushing in. It was a welcome distraction, and maybe that's part of why I've felt that way (distracted) again lately. Yes, a distraction, but a distraction that points to something else going on.

Being around my mom for extended periods these days, I feel again how oppressive her presence can be. It's like there's some kind of emotional cork on everything, and you just want to explode. I feel bad saying this at age 48, but it's true. And the juvenile dynamics of it are still front and center for me. Porn was like making a mess of everything, literally (of course), and on an emotional level that was very satisfying, even if it was just an artificial substitute. I had (and have) a deep desire to be improper, to cross all boundaries, and that's been part of porn's appeal. It's the most gloriously improper thing. The sexual/porn dimension carried the weight of a lot more than just "one of life's pleasures." I guess that's probably true for a lot of us, in different ways.

More juvenile stuff, I know: My upbringing was like being a plant in the wrong soil or something, or even a plant set to grow on plastic. To the point of feeling that everything -- the food, the way we spoke with one another, the jokes that got told, the values, the emotional tenor -- was not right. My parents weren't very wise people, in the way of having a basic sense for emotions, for the dirt and grit of life, for the wild variety of how people can be. Superficial notions of propriety and achievement were what held sway, without the slightest ability to recognize that someone you love is unhappy. Porn was sexually exciting and "wrong." My mom openly disapproved and despised sexually alluring women and men who were attracted to them. My dad protected his own porn and escort habits, when discovered by me and my brother, with rage and threats of violence. Add to all this the fact that porn makes your dick hard, and you've got a winner. So masturbating to it was like defacing this facade of propriety. How could I not love it?

Iloveicecream

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 45
    • View Profile
Re: Topic 1268 (Journal)
« Reply #41 on: September 03, 2019, 06:36:29 AM »
Idunno: Here is one urgent piece of advice: make Peace with your mom. You should love her. If you do not make Peace with her, you will have issues still in 20 years....I do not know where I learned this but it seems all happy People say this: You should love your parents.....Parents Always do their best even though it seems it is shit....Maybe your mom just had some issues herself....you should be more lenient with her....forgive her....start loving your mom!!!!!

jixu

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 178
    • View Profile
Re: Topic 1268 (Journal)
« Reply #42 on: September 03, 2019, 01:58:18 PM »
Undertaking an objective evaluation of our parents is a tricky business; I also find that the assessment can change over time.  At this stage I just try to garner the good and try to do my best in my own parenthood journey.

I also find the psychoanalytic impulse to designate the "parent-child" dynamic as the main factor in our lives to be over-blown, an essentially unchallenged Freudian notion that seems overemphasized, but I guess it is a case by case basis.

Your two prior posts were pretty deep, looks like you were doing some deep thinking-keep up the good work!   

idunno

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 57
    • View Profile
Re: Topic 1268 (Journal)
« Reply #43 on: September 03, 2019, 06:12:15 PM »
Thank you jixu and Iloveicecream. I agree it's overblown. Just getting lost in my own thoughts a bit, knowing full well things seem different when such moods pass. Not feeling great these days. Feeling less committed to my current effort, and the only thing keeping me going is knowing how I'll terrible and empty I'd feel (much more empty than now) if I decided to let it all go down the drain. Emotional energy gets transformed into erotic restlessness. Not fun.

Iloveicecream

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 45
    • View Profile
Re: Topic 1268 (Journal)
« Reply #44 on: September 04, 2019, 04:36:31 AM »
why dont you go to the doctor and take some Medicine against bad mood....that  helps:)

Keep strong....

idunno

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 57
    • View Profile
Re: Topic 1268 (Journal)
« Reply #45 on: September 04, 2019, 12:54:24 PM »
Thanks ice cream, I've tried that and I'm doing OK. Feeling better today, like a cloud is beginning to clear. But hey, my background is at least 50% bad mood! :)

I have to admit I've wanted to look at porn very badly over the last week. Again, those mind tricks: "Hey, I can just look at porn, and masturbate, and go back to normal like nothing happened, right? There must be a way to do that! I'm clever -- I can figure out a way!" But I know there's not. If I look at porn again I'll suffer a blow that'll last for weeks, if not more. It would be awful.

But like I said, I feel better today. I saw the few women I see daily, who've been stuck in my mind, and just didn't get as hung up on them. Yes, they're beautiful, and yes, they're doing a lot to accentuate that fact. OK, and I'm on with my daily routine. It was good to feel that detachment from arousal again. I felt it weeks and months ago, but lost it the last few weeks. It's nice to remember that I have the capacity to go out and remain relatively unscathed.

Thinking forward, I need to figure out what I can begin to fill my time with. I have to make more of an effort. Porn was a serious hobby, after all. And now with the kids in school again, I have hours to myself which I would normally would be filling with you-know-what.

idunno

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 57
    • View Profile
Re: Topic 1268 (Journal)
« Reply #46 on: September 07, 2019, 09:02:55 PM »
I finally watched a few YBOP clips, which I'd put off because I usually don't relate to expert or scientific talk about things. But one thing that hit me was the ideas about arousal and novelty. I know from experience how powerful that connection is. It's what I've been seeking with my porn search terms, and my glances at women, and my evolving porn tastes.

I sometimes experience attractive women like an assault on my mind. I can hardly hold a thought together if there's a nice looking woman around, because my mind's so oriented towards the possibility of something alluring. Attractive women are like lights in a dark room, impossible for me to ignore. My attention is completely there, even if I do nothing to indulge it (like deliberately look). It's just that my mind is so strongly geared towards wanting to be turned on. I've been trapped in it for years. I want to look. I want to see a woman's body, her face, her expression, the way her clothes fit, something new. Something that hits that sweet spot of arousal. I'm not watching porn, 130 days now, but the desire to be aroused by what I see is as strong as ever.

That urge is like a sun burning at the center of my soul. For all other concerns, I'm more or less distracted. Funny, because I've been convinced for the last few years that porn had something to do with focus -- with an enjoyment of being utterly focused. I even used that thought to justify continued use: "It's just an exercise in focus." And porn did focus me in a way that nothing else did or does. I've been like a candle, burning porn.

I fear that nothing else will move in to replace it. My psyche's been oriented towards porn for so long, I don't know if it can be re-arranged. The YBOP clips helped me to think about this novelty/arousal nexus, and it seems to me like that's really the heart of the matter, more than porn itself. Porn, and more to the point high-speed porn, is just a vehicle for this arousal. I never related to the term "edging" so much, but I can definitely relate to the process of ever-evolving excitement, from one thumbnail or picture to a clip and to another. On and on. It's like being a surfer on some exciting wave. To the point of being disappointing when it crashes.

I guess I'll chew on this for a while. I wonder whether there's any way my mind can change.

jixu

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 178
    • View Profile
Re: Topic 1268 (Journal)
« Reply #47 on: September 12, 2019, 07:59:04 PM »
Great job on the 130 days!  I also have enjoyed the YBOP materials, and I'm sure the novelty factor aspect does permeate many areas of life.  I liked your line "Attractive women are like lights in a dark room."  Pretty much says it all.  Take care.   

idunno

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 57
    • View Profile
Re: Topic 1268 (Journal)
« Reply #48 on: September 18, 2019, 02:23:25 PM »
We moved into our house in June of 2018, and I stopped using porn at the end of April 2019. So that's about 10 months of porn use in this house, and coming up on 5 months now of not using. Which means I'll have to go another 5 months to get to the point where my no-porn days will outnumber my porn days here in our home. It's symbolically important to me to get to that point.

I feel pretty ambivalent about the effort today, though. I wonder sometimes if it makes any difference. But then I know if I start using porn again, it won't be any good for me or my family.

Just in a 'meh' kind of mood, even though I hate that word...

idunno

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 57
    • View Profile
Re: Topic 1268 (Journal)
« Reply #49 on: September 23, 2019, 01:19:25 PM »
I was really close to using porn at the beginning of the weekend. At least, I had a strong, strong desire Friday night. It might be that being with my family all weekend saved me, and that if it had happened during a weekday when I'm alone, I would have capitulated. I don't know, but I'm here today having been encouraged by perusing the forum and reading posts and comments. I was telling myself earlier that I want to take a break from the forum, because sometimes I feel like thinking about these issues becomes a proxy for thinking about porn. It's true that maintaining a productive relation to the forum, and to the addiction model itself, is a process of continual adjustment. I'm glad I made it through the weekend.