Author Topic: Into the Fray: waking from my daymare  (Read 247 times)


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    I'm living the daymare, why wait for the night?
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Into the Fray: waking from my daymare
« on: April 21, 2019, 05:52:21 AM »
Today is day 11 of no PMO. I read the 'rules' section where it said I shouldn't flood the main forum with posts on what day I am on. So here I am. On day 11. I will try to post every day. I hope you will join me in conversation. Feel free to post. I hope it it helps.

So I'm on day 11, with no intention to ever start again; no specific 'this many days'-challenge. The first 6 or seven days went by pretty fast, I felt kinda good. But since day 7 I'm having this non-stop physical stomach pain, and my anxiety seems to be omnipresent. It seems at least the same, or even worse than before when I still PMO-ed, daily, to increasingly f*cked up stuff.

About the anxiety, even typing this post is hard. With every word I type my mind goes like: what will people think when they read this, am I using the right grammar, and a lot more of this non-sense. Can't seem to shut it off. When I take a walk, for instance, go to the supermarket, it feels like everyone is looking at me - and judging me. I've been prone to having these anxieties for a long time - and also the stomach aching, amongst other pains, such as a constant burning sensation on my back and in my hands. Thing is, these pains weren't there 11 days ago when I still watched porn and masturbated.

The day before yesterday I was so incredibly close to relapsing, and yesterday and today I am again. It's cravings, 24/7. Driving me kinda insane.
People here on nofap report a huge confidence boost, after quitting - easy to talk to girls, etc - I know I am just on 11 days, and it might take a lot longer (probably my brain is rewiring or something), but I'm really uncomfortable around others, mostly in an hidden way; I mean - people have often said during my life that they never expected me to have all these problems, cause I seem like a really relaxed guy. Talking of problems: porn, sex is my core addiction. But next to porn I drink at least 2 bottles of beer every day, am prescribed with dexamphetamine, and lorazepam, I smoke cigarettes, a lot - I eat unhealty and stay up late, I'm still behind my computerscreen a LOT - playing games or just browsing Youtube or forums. Then there is marihuana, which I used to smoke every night, but I quit this on day 2 of no PMO. I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore, but - it's just that I am in constant pain, all day. It's hard to distinguish between PMO/marihuana withdrawal symptoms and my body just getting poisoned by the bad habits described above.
I also tend to search for a replacement for porn in these bad habits, mostly alcohol and smoking. I don't overuse dexamphetamine, anymore - cause I see no point in taking it without porn (used to edge for hours while high on dex, combined with lorazepam and weed). Rationally I know that I should do things like sporting, going out there, enjoy nature - but this crippling anxiety keeps me from doing this.
Not to be all negative, I notice that I took up some healthy habits - basic things like showering more often and brushing my teeth twice a day - but I have to be honest when I say that these good habits (how trivial they might be - I mean, what's so hard about taking a shower or brushing teeth) have been harder to sustain since day 7, when phyiscally and mentally everything went to sh*t.

I guess the basic question is: will it take a LOT longer for me to feel better, or is it unlikely, since I have these other addictions? Is my brain really rewiring? Or will it stay tuned to porn - because of my dex, alcohol and lorazepam usage? Do they share the same pathways, touch the same circuit, if you catch my drift?

A lot of questions, quite a long read too. It's kind of jumping from subject to subject, but thanks in advance for reading or taking the time to reply.




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Re: Into the Fray: waking from my daymare
« Reply #1 on: April 21, 2019, 11:50:17 PM »
Hey Daymare, welcome. Congrats on 11 days clean.
It’s hard to say for sure what it is from but many people report anxiety and mysterious aches when quitting porn. I had a bit of the anxiety going on myself a couple months ago, out of nowhere and I haven’t watched porn for 14 months. Never had anxiety before. So it’s a bit of a mixed bag for what you can expect. Some have sever symptoms, some have next to nothing. By all means do get checked out by a doctor for peace of mind.

As far as quitting multiple things at once, here’s my two cents: don’t. Focus on quitting one thing (most critical or destructive) at a time, get some momentum and then start working on the others. I’m no expert but I’m pretty sure Gary Wilson mentions that drugs and sex have some related reward circuits. Check out for a better explanation. Try to keep busy to stay distracted. Check in here often, you can make an entry in this journal as often as you like.
All the best on your journey.

Pete McVries

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Re: Into the Fray: waking from my daymare
« Reply #2 on: April 22, 2019, 02:19:08 AM »
Hi Daymare,

I can relate to a lot of stuff that you were writing about. Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of time to adress it all at the moment, but I will later. Until then, don't delete your journal ;). I know how hard it is for us anxious and sometimes paranoid people to lay it all out there. But, as far as I can tell, it helped me in the long run. Wishing you all the best on your journey. It's worth it, you'll see!

Take care!
eleven months clean and counting...


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Re: Into the Fray: waking from my daymare
« Reply #3 on: April 23, 2019, 01:31:11 AM »
Hey man,

Feel welcome. Getting some stuff of your chest writing it down might help getting some overview in your chaos.
Right now you're overthinking from an extremely anxious state of being.
It's not entirely clear to me why exactly this happens when we lay off porn, but one explanation which makes sense to me is the following one.
To put it simple: porn functioned as a medication. Presumably to numb in your case. As it was for me.  And it did that highly effective.
So yes, when I stopped using it I suffered the same consequences; extremely moody, anxious in company, like constantly being on the lookout for danger.
Realize that when you edge to porn in a lust-driven chase you're stimulating the sympathetic branch of the nervous system and basically shutting down the parasympathetic (relaxation) side.
The sexual high numbs your pain and 'social issues.' And evidently these come back to the surface when the high wears of, while attempting to quit.
You're placed back into the reality of your existence.

Now on how to deal with this, i'm not sure to say what's wise.
I'd suggest a lot of rest and relaxation, even when it's hard. You're in need of recovery and that takes time. So patience has to become your friend.
Your thoughts are likely pushing you to rush things, telling you to do this or do that. But, your abused senses are in need of rest.
For the same reason I'd suggest against spending much time online.
Another thing that would be very constructive at this point, is some loving real-life support.
Last, but definitely not least; pray. Speak with God, if you can find the belief to do so.
From experience I know He hears our call and if we're genuinely looking for a relationship with Him, He'll get in touch with you. God is good.

Patience dude, it gets better if you really desire to part from porn.