Author Topic: changed for good and how maybe you could too  (Read 73 times)

Johnny Trailer

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changed for good and how maybe you could too
« on: July 08, 2019, 05:09:58 PM »
i changed for good. for real good. no more suicidal thoughts, no more depression, no more self hate. im sooo much more alive last couple of weeks. its here to stay for sure, it does not go away. its not a day or two, or a week thing. its not just a hype (positive thinking and visualization which always ends up in a crash and endless loop of bouncing from rock bottom back and forth).

people around me sometimes askin if i been drinking or something because i feel and act like im perfectly drunk (not too much, nor wishing for another sip). actually i stopped drinking 3 weeks ago. i been drinking for a year or so pretty regularly so they automatically think im drinking when i feel and act relaxed and socially engaged, loud and clear and energetic.

my problem was the absolute hate i felt towards myself for a decade. every day i wanted a mma match against myself. i wanted to absolutely rearrange my face. just a horrible existence day in and day out. i was never a fan of positive thinking. i always thought thats just lying myself and i always kept it real with myself. i really really like that i always try to keep it real with myself. pursuing six packs, good clothes and shit like that was never my goal for self acceptance because its just an outside thing and i hated myself from the inside. i thought wanting all that outside thing is even more dumb because it has nothing to do with me loving myself more its just about others approving of me more. just another bullshit.

so with positive thinking and six pack abs, success, more money and all that crap out of the picture, i started thinking how i can really truly love myself without looking for outside approval and without bullshitting myself. it seemed impossible for a long time. im not gonna say to myself good things and look for positive things in myself if i feel suicidal. i love keeping it real, i aint never changing that. so there i figured out solution. i tried loving myself exactly as i am. im not lying that im smart, good looking, good guy. not everyone can be all pretty, confident, determined, generous man or woman. a lot of us are plain dumb fucks, ugly ass bitches, cheats, liars and straight up failures. fuck trying to paint a good picture when at the core its fake and its just a facade trying to fool yourself. fake it till you make it they say, which can be true for some things but not for self love. self love must be true from the start or it falls apart as soon as you hit the next curb.

i figured i dont really need to be good, smart, pretty, successful, porn free or anything..... such a burden off my soul. it actually took relatively really short time of trying to love myself exactly as i am, to change tremendously. from rock bottom suicidal guy who absolutely truly and very passionately despise himself, i became average joe or maybe even little above average, in 3 weeks. i would say in 3 days actually, because i felt such a difference after those 3 days that i just lost the motivation to keep going and enjoyed new me since then but im not done yet. its going to be an ongoing process. i feel like there is no end to this. i see people with huge capacities for self acceptance and i see a lot of room to improve.

ironically i started to think 200% more positively about myself without trying. i dont think im dumb anymore, i think im intelligent and its real to me. i may not be so smart, i dont know a lot of things like other people, i never liked school, i dont read a lot of books, but im intelligent. im honest, i know whats important and what is distraction. being fat is no longer such a big deal. the type of food i eat became more valuable point of focus, not # of pounds. i lost couple of pounds in these 3 weeks, without trying. i stopped drinking. when i talk with people im so much sharper. im loud and clear and social. no more afraid to make a sound.

i changed big time, without dealing with porn addiction and i see a lot more clearly where and how porn addiction affects me. porn addiction was the root of evil for me until i figured that despising yourself day in and day out cant be good either and maybe trying to change that could be a smart way to go about life in general, not just porn addiction. i still fuck up with relapses, im just an average joe, but holy gods its another world. now i totally understand average joes. i understand how they have the will to live and how the obstacles in life dont bother them for too long. they cant grasp idea of suicide. simple interactions, hanging out, goals and shit like that is fun. my voice is total shit and i occasionally sing sometimes. must be weird for my family to see me like this. my mother changed and is more engaging with me, we never talked too much for too long. i find family more fun to hang around. i just wanna fucking jump from my chair sometimes and sing and dance and laugh. im no more that guy who indirectly brings everyone down with so low energy and total unwillingness to joke around. now we laughing our ass off at least once a day in my house.

i been on a such a low ride for such a long time i could easily live for life with occasional relapses and PIED, happier than a lot of people without porn addiction. still thats not an option and its still hard but it feels more possible. also i see where porn addiction is bugging me, it really does not makes me suicidal. i was making myself suicidal. i thought porn addiction was the really root of everything because if my brain is fucked, im fucked too. there was no point in working on something besides healing my brain if im fucked up in the brain. yes there is disbalance in the brain, sleeping is worse, energy is sometimes lower, sometimes you dont feel like hanging out with people, sometimes im dizzy for few days after relapse. i have panic attacks. that is porn addiction, those are symptoms that are going away and cravings are coming in with time away from porn. the line between me sabotaging myself and porn addiction sabotaging myself is clearer.

i also learned that accepting something you think is bad about yourself, does not make you complacent. it elevate the suffering and shows you whether or not thats even a problem in the first place, and if it is, it gets you going in the right direction instead of just being stuck with it.

loving yourself BECAUSE you are the way you are, NOT because you will change, is a game changer. we cant all be nice people, we have so much insecurities and lack so many good things in our character, its ridiculous to hate or dont like yourself for it.



My last relapse: 24.Oct.2019 // My total # of relapses in the last 30 days: 2