Author Topic: Journal  (Read 2503 times)

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Journal
« Reply #75 on: May 24, 2019, 08:35:28 AM »
Great job man! Keep up the good work.

Nice insight about taking life seriously.... I think I could use more fun sometimes too. Not always, thinking about what I should be doing or whether I am doing enough....

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Journal
« Reply #76 on: May 24, 2019, 06:12:38 PM »
That is a great insight! Honestly, I feel like I've been more like the kid version of me as I've progressed through recovery than the teenager version of me (who was very addicted but wasn't doing anything about it). You know, just in terms of confidence, playfulness, etc. I sometimes forget how much of my personality I lost when I was deep into PMO.

Glad the blockers did their job! Just keep at it: we're with you!

LeanAndBop

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Re: Journal
« Reply #77 on: May 25, 2019, 02:39:41 AM »
Day 0
PM relapse on Fri 24 May
Triggers: alcohol, indecision, angst, and boredom.
Back here again.
Oh well.
Target is 12pm.
Exercise and meditate.
Bop

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Journal
« Reply #78 on: May 26, 2019, 05:12:28 PM »
Keep getting back on that horse! Meditation and exercise are the bomb!

LeanAndBop

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Re: Journal
« Reply #79 on: May 27, 2019, 01:56:23 AM »
Day 2
Feeling generally empty and hopeless. I can't watch porn due to blockers on the only device I have access to at the moment. Hobbies seem like a chore, and uninteresting or pretentious. Work is nothing to look forward to. I don't feel proud of my job or my contributions, even though I do my best. Relationships and friendships seem too damaged, weak, or made unappealing by fantasy. I feel like I could be living a simpler more free life, but that comes at a cost. At the end of the day I don't really know what is best for me. I'm making my best guess. Yes, I am an idiot.
As for PMO, it still has such a hold on me. There are boundaries that I won't cross to PMO, but I am really longing for it. Just to get a break, some relief, from a life that feels hopeless, dry, stale, tasteless, yet slightly sickly and, ultimately, good for nothing.
Anyway! My recovery goals will be to help someone out on here, do some meditation, and exercise.
A quick return to moaning, I am so sick of trying to quit porn. I wish I was just a 'normal' human with a group of supportive friends who do 'normal' things and so on... Ahhh fantasy! I do feel lonely and disconnected, to an extent. I feel indignant 100 percent.
But it is not all blue, life may feel like a continuous experience of angst, fear, sickness, and the occassional moment of peace... Note the latter.
@quit thanks for your support!
Best
Bop

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Journal
« Reply #80 on: May 27, 2019, 09:32:26 PM »
Well man, sorry to hear you are feeling down. Literally what you wrote is word for word what a felt today. Word for word. Isn't that wild.
Anyway, what helped me was I just sat down and read a book for like three hours, it just gave me a chance to reset. So whatever healthy thing you can do to just forget about life for the time being, could help.

Hey man, this may be a little out there but at least you can see! I know it's random, this addiction sucks but man. I wouldn't trade my eyes to get rid of the addiction or an arm or anything like that..... So things could be worse. We have our physical bodies relatively intact, don't have schizophrenia or anything, so we definitely have the opportunity to make things happen in the future...

LeanAndBop

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Re: Journal
« Reply #81 on: May 29, 2019, 07:45:27 AM »
Day 4
All ok.
@quit thanks for your comment. I've got to try that some time, just read or meditate or whatever healthy thing for 3 hours. And you are right, I do have eyes... How did you know!? But seriously its good to focus on the positives surely?
Anyway I'm OK. I haven't pmod in a while.
Feeling focused. Plan is to just keep going.
Best.
Bop
I'm still

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Journal
« Reply #82 on: May 31, 2019, 03:44:48 PM »
Hahaha, I guess I am a psychic.

Great, glad you are feeling better!

LeanAndBop

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Re: Journal
« Reply #83 on: June 01, 2019, 09:26:48 AM »
Day 0
Pmo Jun 31
Time alone, managed to let one urge pass but not the next. But it was only 1 hour and not late at night. Will try to avoid isolation, or prepare better for it. Maybe go see a movie or go to a park.
Anyway. Today is challenging. Some difficult emotions. That's my challenge today, just allowing these emotions to be. I can still contribute to the world and have anxiety and fear.
Goal is 11pm.
All the best
Bop

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Journal
« Reply #84 on: June 01, 2019, 06:38:58 PM »
Sorry for the troubles, but keep at it!

I've been learning a lot lately that PMO is not the problem but it is a symptom of a larger problem. Really, PMO for me comes out of not knowing how to deal with negative emotions and using PMO to try to escape them. It might be helpful to shift your focus a little bit and to think more about taking care of yourself emotionally than about quitting PMO. If we don't take care of the problems underneath our addictive behaviors, trying to quit will always be frustrating and unsuccessful.

And you definitely can contribute! Probably the goal is not to get rid of negative emotions but to learn to deal with them in healthier ways. It's good that you're meditating. That has helped me a lot. Comedy also helps me a lot too.

pichaelthompson

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Re: Journal
« Reply #85 on: June 02, 2019, 05:26:51 PM »
I agree with BlueHeron, for me PMO is a small part of a lifestyle change that I am trying to adapt to hopefully deal with some of the larger issues in my life outside of PMO. Wishing you the best

LeanAndBop

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Re: Journal
« Reply #86 on: June 06, 2019, 05:42:38 AM »
Day 0
Thanks for support.
Another relapse.
Not the best day so far. Porn isn't even interesting but I can't seem to stop sometimes.
All the best
Bop

Lero

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Re: Journal
« Reply #87 on: June 06, 2019, 06:00:06 AM »
I agree with BlueHeron, for me PMO is a small part of a lifestyle change that I am trying to adapt to hopefully deal with some of the larger issues in my life outside of PMO. Wishing you the best

Exactly. When you see that you are able to deal with your problems without running to PMO, P loses its power. 

LeanAndBop

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Re: Journal
« Reply #88 on: June 06, 2019, 09:54:16 AM »
Thanks.
For me it was feeling exhausted and depressed this morning. Then I went to PMO.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Journal
« Reply #89 on: June 06, 2019, 06:02:01 PM »
Thanks.
For me it was feeling exhausted and depressed this morning. Then I went to PMO.

That's an important thing to recognize. What was making you feel exhausted and depressed? What things can you do to help deal with those feelings more directly? If it's in the morning, would going to bed a little earlier help? It might be really simple things early on that can make a big difference before the urges hit.

achilles heel

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Re: Journal
« Reply #90 on: June 07, 2019, 12:38:50 PM »
Day 0
Thanks for support.
Another relapse.
Not the best day so far. Porn isn't even interesting but I can't seem to stop sometimes.
All the best
Bop

As you seem to struggle to make it through the first days lately you should analyze in detail how those relapses occur. Not just identify a trigger like you did at one point with TV being the cause, but an exact reconstruction of the situation and the device you used to relapsed.

For most relapses on here I read the same: Being home alone and bored in the evening when there's no activities left to distract, maybe even insomnia or depression setting in. Now there is a computer or cell phone to distract and one thing leads to another. In my case often it was some random news page, a clickbait link with tits or a social media pic and I returned to porn due to excessive cravings after being many days clean.

You need to change something, heavy restrictions on computer and cell phone, not allowing pictures at your browser for example or using restrictions (I use LeechBlock on Firefox)... not allowing phone use while on the sofa or in bed, in my case I even leave the phone outside my home because I know I can't control it sooner or later. I don't even have a TV for years because music videos were my biggest trigger (and still trouble me sometimes because at my gym they show them on screens).

After every relapse try to get some useful information about how you went to porn and what steps could have stopped you.

You made it one month without porn and can do it again - even longer, but it's hard work! All the best for you!  :)

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Journal
« Reply #91 on: June 08, 2019, 05:49:25 PM »
Sorry about the recent struggles man! Keep trying.

LeanAndBop

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Re: Journal
« Reply #92 on: June 09, 2019, 05:36:13 AM »
Day 0
Thanks for the support.
I'm just at a point where I've tried so hard that I feel I don't have energy to keep going.
Going to put better blockers on my laptop.
Another relapse today. Woke up to PMO. Not the best start to a day, but could be worse...
All the best
Bop

Lero

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Re: Journal
« Reply #93 on: June 09, 2019, 06:53:15 AM »
Day 0
Thanks for the support.
I'm just at a point where I've tried so hard that I feel I don't have energy to keep going.
Going to put better blockers on my laptop.
Another relapse today. Woke up to PMO. Not the best start to a day, but could be worse...
All the best
Bop

Probably you've heard this a thousand times but at least don't binge. Doing it once a day is one thing but doing it five fucking times is another. Look at me, I haven't been able to control my binges and it's not good.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Journal
« Reply #94 on: June 09, 2019, 06:12:18 PM »
Sometimes it can be hard to want to keep going. Fighting an addiction is hard, probably one of the hardest things we'll do. But don't give up. Think about where you want to be in five years, ten years even. Think about where you could be without porn in your life. Isn't it worth the struggle of giving it up?

Porn has done some good things for us: maybe it has helped us to escape our problems, maybe it has given us pleasure or been fun. It makes sense that it would be hard and painful to give it up. But it's also doing us a lot of harm, so we have to remember that a life without it is worth the pain of getting rid of it.

Keep at it, man! We're all in this one together.

LeanAndBop

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Re: Journal
« Reply #95 on: June 10, 2019, 11:56:31 AM »
Day 1
Trying to not focus as much on days. But good to communicate.
Been a good day. Motivated. Just got triggered a bit, feel overwhelmed by the allure. But it passes.
Thanks for the support guys.
Best
Bop

LeanAndBop

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Re: Journal
« Reply #96 on: June 10, 2019, 11:57:43 AM »
Day 0
Thanks for the support.
I'm just at a point where I've tried so hard that I feel I don't have energy to keep going.
Going to put better blockers on my laptop.
Another relapse today. Woke up to PMO. Not the best start to a day, but could be worse...
All the best
Bop

Probably you've heard this a thousand times but at least don't binge. Doing it once a day is one thing but doing it five fucking times is another. Look at me, I haven't been able to control my binges and it's not good.

Thanks Lero. Yeah I tend to binge when I relapse. Something I need to work on for sure.

LeanAndBop

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Re: Journal
« Reply #97 on: June 10, 2019, 12:00:11 PM »
Sometimes it can be hard to want to keep going. Fighting an addiction is hard, probably one of the hardest things we'll do. But don't give up. Think about where you want to be in five years, ten years even. Think about where you could be without porn in your life. Isn't it worth the struggle of giving it up?

Porn has done some good things for us: maybe it has helped us to escape our problems, maybe it has given us pleasure or been fun. It makes sense that it would be hard and painful to give it up. But it's also doing us a lot of harm, so we have to remember that a life without it is worth the pain of getting rid of it.

Keep at it, man! We're all in this one together.

Thanks Heron. Your comment uplifts me. I think we are really all in this together, we can choose to be and we all have an issue that we work towards overcoming.

What could we do more to support one another?

In 5 years I really hope to have let go of porn and all the shame surrounding past acting out. To at least have made significant progress. I think I would like to be in a position where I can commit to helping others...

jixu

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Re: Journal
« Reply #98 on: June 10, 2019, 03:26:32 PM »
I would like to make a suggestion so as not to lose the linguistic battle.  You talked about having shame-I know what you mean and I hear you.  However, how about saying you feel frustration or disappointment, instead of saying you feel shame ?  You are among equals here friend-no need for shame here or "out there" for that matter.

You are wrong about your commitment to help others-you are already helping people.  I have seen your comments many times, cheering a weary traveller on.  To help people in the midst of your own struggle says a lot about you.

The fact that you have been at it for five years is of little relevant significance as to what happens today or tomorrow.  You have a good attitude and a lot of tenacity; many would have given up, but you are still fighting.  Let's do this!   

 

LeanAndBop

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Re: Journal
« Reply #99 on: June 11, 2019, 11:17:34 AM »
Day 0
Another relapse. Two. No P.
Coming on here to show some support and just for the habit.
Triggers... Well I am struggling to have interest in work. And I am feeling stressed. Really feel I have little to live for at times. My partner would be better without me I think. But its OK, just going to keep trying. A slip today, that's all. I would be lying if I said I'm not not feeling low, though.
Plan is to jog...
Best
Bop