Author Topic: Journal (Read 2839 times)

LeanAndBop · « **on:** April 08, 2019, 08:55:45 AM »

DAY 1

Hi Guys,

I have decided to keep a basic journal here on Reboot Nation. I am eager to cut PMO out of my life. I've managed to get streaks of one week and two weeks in regularly this year, I reached three weeks and one point too. This is big progress for me.

However, I frequently slip - often hard.

I'm hoping Reboot Nation will give me a bit more positive energy via the supportive community here. I hope to learn and to support others who are struggling in a similar way to me.

I often hear that it is important to set small targets. This makes sense. I am going to set a target for myself in each journal post.

Target 1: Get through the rest of today without P or M.

Peace,
Bop

Gabe Deem · « **Reply #1 on:** April 08, 2019, 10:03:38 AM »

Hey @LeanAndBop

Welcome to the Nation! If you've been able to reach 3 weeks, you can do it again. Take it one day at a time. Each decision you make to steer yourself away from porn and to a healthier action, or thought, reinforces the circuitry around that decisions, making it easier and easier each time.

Small, articulated goals is a great idea. We all need a clear aim. Hope the best for you! Much love.

Quitforeverthenwin · « **Reply #2 on:** April 08, 2019, 01:58:44 PM »

Sounds good! Posting here definitely helps keep my mind on target. The goals sound like a good idea! Looking forward to seeing your progress.

BlueHeronFan · « **Reply #3 on:** April 08, 2019, 06:47:50 PM »

Welcome!

Posting here has been a huge help to me. It gets me out of my own head. There's also a lot of good support to be had here, whether it's learning from the things other people are doing to fight their addiction or just realizing that you're not the only one dealing with this garbage.

I really believe we're stronger together, one day at a time!

LeanAndBop · « **Reply #4 on:** April 09, 2019, 11:49:04 AM »

DAY 2
I managed to stay off PMO last night. First goal achieved. Woop!

Little craving today or yesterday. Busy tonight so that should help. Not really much to say other than thanks for the supportive messages, it is uplifting.

Target: no PMO for the rest of today.

Peace guys,
Bop

Quitforeverthenwin · « **Reply #5 on:** April 09, 2019, 11:43:42 PM »

Nice job bro, keep it up! Everyday achieving the goal is a great win!

LeanAndBop · « **Reply #6 on:** April 10, 2019, 01:37:11 PM »

DAY 3
Managed to reach my target.

But feeling very low and tired now. Very frustrated. For a number of reasons. I also felt a lot of angst earlier today. So I am in a position where I am much more likely to PMO. I still don't feel like I have the skill or will to deal with these emotions. They drive me towards PMO, PMO feels good. The good feeling drowns the bad. Maybe sleeping is wise...?

I will bring in some optimism- I can get a decent sleep tonight, and tomorrow is a bit of a different day. I enjoy variety. Work was OK today, I achieved what I set out too. I feel some hope from reading and from exciting opportunities that I may try to take.

Target: no PMO tonight.

Thanks for the reply I appreciate it!

Peace.
Bop.

Quitforeverthenwin · « **Reply #7 on:** April 10, 2019, 05:12:11 PM »

Yeah man get through it! In my opinion stomp out those thoughts.... feeling bad and tired is part of life.... So you may feel bad it may not go away, but in return you get to be rid of this habit, which will make you happier, increase your focus, increase your confidence and eventually allow you to have REAL relationships with real women. Seems like a fair trade yeah?

BlueHeronFan · « **Reply #8 on:** April 10, 2019, 07:09:29 PM »

I know paying attention to my emotions has been a huge part of my recovery recently. I just don't relapse when I'm feeling good about life, so I've had to start learning how to deal with my negative emotions in healthier ways.

Being aware of them is the first step, so you're on your way. Hang in there and keep it up!

LeanAndBop · « **Reply #9 on:** April 11, 2019, 05:16:17 AM »

DAY 4

Did not achieve my target. No P but I did MO. I've blocked P on my device .

Feeling v low and hopeless, worthlessness. I am not happy with my self and my decisions, it does not fit with who I think I 'should' be. I know PMO, in the way I use it, is not healthy for me. But I do it anyway. It brings forth an intense escape, it makes me feel strong. In reality I feel powerless. Emotions, thoughts, social skills, shame, work, and friendships are some of the things I don't know how to handle skillfully.

Target: get to 6.30pm with no P M or O.

Optimism: deep breathing slows down the situation.

Thanks for your comments guys.

Bop.

Quitforeverthenwin · « **Reply #10 on:** April 11, 2019, 08:16:31 AM »

Sorry to hear that man, but at least you didn't include the P! I know exactly what you mean in terms of the hopeless feeling and the other terrible feelings after a lapse. If anything, try and remember it so you'll realize that the desire to pmo is bullshit, it actually makes you feel awful. It can be useful to write a little (doesn't have to be here) about what happened leading up to the lapse so you know what went wrong. Being aware of what is going on mentally can help.

For example "So I am in a position where I am much more likely to PMO. I still don't feel like I have the skill or will to deal with these emotions. They drive me towards PMO, PMO feels good."

From my own experience, when I read that I was like "oh,shit that looks like lapse thinking" learning to recognize and change thoughts like this is helpful imo. A big part of this recovery is just: Sometimes we gotta feel like shit and the only way to learn to handle these emotions without pmo is first to handle them poorly without pmo I guess lol. It's the pmo that is the reason we can't learn to handle them, so we gotta put first things first imo.

Also thats not meant to like chastise you, it's good you are aware what you are thinking and posted it honestly because it helps you and helps others help you. Just that there is a tinge of "I don't have full control of whether I pmo or not" and thoughts like that lead to lapses. We ALL have had thoughts like that or we wouldn't be here....

LeanAndBop · « **Reply #11 on:** April 12, 2019, 12:34:09 PM »

Thanks Quit. I appreciate it.

I agree with your statement that we sometimes need to feel shit. It is part of life. Maybe you are right when you say that PMO is the reason we can't handle emotions skillfully. It makes sense.

Sometimes I feel like a don't have control of the PMO, to an extent. If I had complete control I don't think there would be any unhealthy behaviour. What do you think?

LeanAndBop · « **Reply #12 on:** April 12, 2019, 12:42:33 PM »

DAY 5

Not sure if I achieved target from yesterday.. Timing given for posts on here is not accurate so I need to reset it.

No PMO today so far. I feel OK and much better than yesterday. The gloom is not here. I am managing unwanted thoughts and difficult emotions better. An urge did come but I watched it go.

I really want to turn my life around. This is one way I can give back to my loved ones and society. Cutting out PMO is part of this. Still not really sure how I do that. So I think I must keep learning, do my best with what I do know.

Target: no PMO for next couple of hours (7pm to 9pm).

'I am not my thoughts. I am not my emotions'

'Life is too short to not do what you love'

Peace
Bop

Quitforeverthenwin · « **Reply #13 on:** April 13, 2019, 12:47:45 AM »

Quote from: LeanAndBop on April 12, 2019, 12:34:09 PM

Thanks Quit. I appreciate it.

I agree with your statement that we sometimes need to feel shit. It is part of life. Maybe you are right when you say that PMO is the reason we can't handle emotions skillfully. It makes sense.

Sometimes I feel like a don't have control of the PMO, to an extent. If I had complete control I don't think there would be any unhealthy behaviour. What do you think?

I think we do, it is just immensely difficult. As humans we technically have control over all of our actions, BUT it's just super hard. I absolutely could work 12 hours per a day to get rich, but am I doing it? No. It's super hard to get ourselves to do things.

If you would have literally died if you pmo'ed. If someone was standing next to you holding a gun, could you have not done it?

??

I would say you could have avoided it. Doing things that are bad for us is just part of being human. It is simply just immensely hard to change a habit especially an addiction, but we DO have control over it or at least can gain control over it step by step. The smart recovery handbook has some good stuff about this, I really reccomend it https://shop.smartrecovery.org/product/books/smart-recovery-handbook-3rd-edition/ maybe you can find it for free online somewhere also. (It's $12 at the link).

LeanAndBop · « **Reply #14 on:** April 13, 2019, 03:13:54 AM »

DAY 6

Wooo! Yes I achieved my goal.

Thanks Quit for your comments. You are right, if It was life or death of course I would not PMO! As far as I understand we change our brain with our actions, repeatedly watching porn can impact the wiring in our brains. Hence it becomes difficult to do things differently... I'm sure this isn't the best explanation scientifically! Thanks for the link too.

I feel OK today. I have plans and will socialise so that is good.

Target: No PMO Today.

Have a lovely day
Bop

LeanAndBop · « **Reply #15 on:** April 14, 2019, 04:52:33 AM »

DAY 7

Achieved my goal from yesterday--it feels great! When I am focused and happy, connected with the world...the urge to escape is not prominent. Worrying about the past and future did not dominate me significantly yesterday. What is there to escape from? I am aware that difficult emotions can arise. If they do, today, I will choose to soothe in a healthy way. I will employ mindfulness and exercise, that's the plan.

Target for today: No PMO from 3pm to 9pm. This is when I am most likely to PMO.

Best wishes,
Bop

LeanAndBop · « **Reply #16 on:** April 15, 2019, 12:21:20 PM »

DAY 8

Yes I achieved my target.

I'm OK today. A bit of anxiety. No urges. Feels good. Prepared if a big urge comes.
Target: no PMO tonight.

Best.
bop

Quitforeverthenwin · « **Reply #17 on:** April 15, 2019, 07:53:50 PM »

Great job man! Looks like good progress the last couple of days. And 100% the more we resist the urges, the more we realize we can do it and the more we will be prepared the next time.

LeanAndBop · « **Reply #18 on:** April 16, 2019, 12:35:54 PM »

DAY 9

Thanks Quit for the support, yeah things are good at the moment and I think it makes sense that it would get easier over time. I used to not be able to past 4 days, now getting past 4 is quite easy a couple of years later.

YES I did achieve my goal.
I didn't PMO last night. I dudnt really have the urge. I was out and exercising.
Today I've been a bit triggered. I woke up feeling angsty. I feel this uptight energy in me.
Optimism over despair: I have plans for the evening and food to eat. Angst passes. Allow.

Target: no PMO tonight. (7pm to 11pm).

Best
Bop

LeanAndBop · « **Reply #19 on:** April 17, 2019, 01:17:48 PM »

Day 10
Yes I achieved my target.
Feeling a bit empty right now. But there is lots to be positive about.
No significant urges today.
PMO and the related fantasies and anxieties still have a pull on me, of course. But I feel I am managing these challenges maturely. Doing my best with what I do know.
Target: no PMO tonight, 7pm to 10.30pm.
Peace
Bop

Quitforeverthenwin · « **Reply #20 on:** April 18, 2019, 10:22:05 AM »

Great job man hitting those targets! Thats 100% right the more we avoid the better we get. It used to be damn near impossible for me to not PMO, then damn near impossible to not masturbate, now my challenge usually is avoiding fantasy. It gets easier and easier, we may always have the occasional tough few hours, but it's no biggie. If we're used to it, hard things don't feel that hard.

The down feelings happen, but then the good feelings come back. Especially if we're moving in a good direction it's okay!

LeanAndBop · « **Reply #21 on:** April 19, 2019, 06:30:31 AM »

Day 12
Yes I achieved my target.
Feeling good today. Had some anxiety but it is passing.
Thanks Quit, it is reassuring that it gets easier for you. I had some minor urges and employed a technique which helps me. It passed.
I feel more informed about porn and how it isn't good for me.
Target- no PMO from 12.30 to 2.30pm...bit of a danger fir me. Gunna stay off my phone.
All the best,
Bop

Do or die · « **Reply #22 on:** April 19, 2019, 07:05:45 AM »

Congratulations

Quitforeverthenwin · « **Reply #23 on:** April 19, 2019, 06:23:47 PM »

Glad you find it helpful. Keep up the good work!

LeanAndBop · « **Reply #24 on:** April 20, 2019, 05:51:53 AM »

DAY 13
Yes I achieved my goal! Wooo!
I watched a really interesting documentary. That kept me engaged. I think I blocked my phone too using 'Stay Focused' app.
Next goal: no PMO 12pm to 6.45pm.
Going to find healthy ways to soothe. Replacement for PMO will be relaxing with captivating TV, meditating, and getting some sun. These are feel good activities. PMO is an act of soothing for me, I think.
All the best
Bop