Author Topic: Journal  (Read 2054 times)

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Journal
« Reply #50 on: May 15, 2019, 08:32:40 AM »
Sorry to hear about the slip. BUT really good that you are coming back to the journal and posting, you'll get a streak going again eventually for sure. You keep getting back to it and that is great.

LeanAndBop

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Re: Journal
« Reply #51 on: May 15, 2019, 09:56:59 AM »
Hey thanks I appreciate it. It's so disappointing to slip. Unfortunately PMO brings such immense pleasure, when I'm down in the dumps it is very appealing. I'm still learning and it's slow progress. All the best to you quit!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Journal
« Reply #52 on: May 15, 2019, 03:57:48 PM »
Yeah it can be really tough for sure. Something that could help a little bit is a cost benefit analysis, it's from Smart Recovery (science based organization to help get over addictions). It could help you to weigh the pleasure of PMO versus the downsides. The smart manual may also be worth a look, it's like $10. It can be useful to change things up when in the relapse rut. But like I said, really good you keep posting, keep that up... because eventually you will get back on the horse. This way, you still are thinking about recovery and trying.

https://www.smartrecovery.org/smart-recovery-toolbox/cba-4-questions/

https://www.smartrecovery.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/CBA_Worksheet.pdf

Edit: I just realize I mentioned smart several times in this thread. I promise I am not getting a commission or anything lol. I just found their little booklet really helpful and some of their stuff relevant to some of what has come up.
« Last Edit: May 15, 2019, 11:12:08 PM by Quitforeverthenwin »

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Journal
« Reply #53 on: May 15, 2019, 06:30:10 PM »
Sorry to hear you slipped hard. There's no doubt about it, though: PMO does bring immense pleasure. The problem is that the pleasure from PMO doesn't solve any problems and only makes them worse.

A little while ago, I was listening to something that said that our addictions are our brain's way of taking care of us when we feel we're in trouble. If we feel miserable and depressed, our brain knows that PMO will give us a shot of chemical to make us feel better. It works every time so our brain keeps pushing us back to it. But then we get stuck in addiction, and our lives get worse.

So it might be worth taking another step back. Instead of just focusing on quitting PMO, take some time to think about why you feel down in the dumps. Where is the despair coming from? And then, instead of escaping from your emotions through PMO, think about what you can actually do to address your pain. For me, relapses usually come because I feel sad about being single, because I get too stressed with school, or because I feel stuck or frustrated about something else. That realization has helped me to see that PMO is not just about PMO, but it's about solving more basic problems in my life and learning to deal with my emotions in healthier and more positive ways.

So definitely keep working on cutting PMO out of your life, but also make sure that you're also finding ways to take care of yourself and to find healthier ways of dealing with your sadness. That has made a huge difference for me, and I think it could help you too.

WilltoPower

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Re: Journal
« Reply #54 on: May 15, 2019, 09:54:05 PM »
I read through your journal, Bop.

Inspirational. Sorry to hear you slipped. You're still getting better though! Stay vigilant. I'm rooting for you!

LeanAndBop

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Re: Journal
« Reply #55 on: May 16, 2019, 02:21:24 PM »
Day 1

Reached my goal.

Began to feel more upbeat. Read a news story or two that made me realise life is precious, and also I could die today... Right now even. I'm still here but this attitude helps me, problems feel lighter. What's the point in persecuting myself if I could die today? I'm not sure how rational this is but it helps...

Next goal is 22.30.
Going to do some light exercise and meditate. Journal too.

Thanks for your comments. Quit I really connected with your thoughts. It makes sense for the brain to work like this, I think but I am not an expert. And I think it makes sense that I look at beyond the act and what comes before. For me it can be feeling isolated or tired, other emotions too. I think I am slowly learning to manage it better. Note: slowly!

Best
Bop

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Journal
« Reply #56 on: May 16, 2019, 04:08:40 PM »
Great job getting back on the horse! See the persistence payed off, really glad you kept posting and kept trying... keep up the good work! I think that even with lapses if you are constantly trying to get back on the horse, it does not hurt the recovery as much as just going being like "f- in". Since a part of you is resisting it.

Good that those articles inspired you. It reminds me, I was down about girls not being interested in me, then I read a biography of a guy who's wife and daughter died in a plane crash. It really put things in perspective... Our problems are tough but at least we have the opportunity to do something about them!

LeanAndBop

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Re: Journal
« Reply #57 on: May 17, 2019, 04:35:53 AM »
Day 2
I reached my goal.
Kepy busy. Exercise. No urges.
Next goal: 7pm
Will be busy and engaged so no issues I think. So if I am not busy and engaged in life then...
Thanks Quit. Yeah I know what you mean, more catastrophic things exist than a relapse! Perspective helps.
best
Bop

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Journal
« Reply #58 on: May 17, 2019, 10:29:27 AM »
Great keep it up! For sure being really busy is super helpful, especially early into the streak

LeanAndBop

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Re: Journal
« Reply #59 on: May 18, 2019, 06:21:09 AM »
Day 3
Reached my goal.
It was a difficult day. Challenging emotions to deal with. I did get an urge but brushed it off.

Next goal is 5pm.
I am socialising so should be OK. There is an opportunity to PMO this evening so I need to be wary. Stay off devices and be with the urge as soon as it comes.

Thanks for your support Quit!

Best
Bop

Do or die

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Re: Journal
« Reply #60 on: May 18, 2019, 02:18:59 PM »
Every reboot identifying your weakness. So write down your trigger in a diary and try to complete avoidance of it.
Its not about stopping. Its about to accept that you are stopped it.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Journal
« Reply #61 on: May 18, 2019, 06:23:34 PM »
Keep going! I'm glad you're making progress with smaller goals! Every time you try again and every time you achieve a goal is a huge win.

I've been struggling with some strong urges the last few days, and it's inspiring to see you working so hard to make progress. If you can keep fighting, I can too.

We'll get there together!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Journal
« Reply #62 on: May 18, 2019, 06:31:52 PM »
Great job! Sounds like you are rebuilding that momentum. Keep it up!

LeanAndBop

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Re: Journal
« Reply #63 on: May 19, 2019, 04:18:46 AM »
Day 0
Another relapse
Hard to not feel deflated.
Thanks for all your comments. Trigger was TV.
Ah man I feel empty.
Next goal is just 12pm.
Bop

WilltoPower

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Re: Journal
« Reply #64 on: May 19, 2019, 07:58:17 AM »
Keep giving it your all Bop!

Was it something suggestive on TV? My friend uses VidAngel on his TV which can censor those kind of things from what I understand. Might be worth checking out.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Journal
« Reply #65 on: May 19, 2019, 09:06:35 AM »
The relapses/ lapese can always be a bummer. But one way of looking at it is, at least you are back in something of an upward trend. For a week or two your lapses were becoming more frequent, now you had a few days in between, so it's back on a bit of an upward trend, lengthening streaks, rather then shortening.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Journal
« Reply #66 on: May 19, 2019, 06:37:17 PM »
The relapses/ lapese can always be a bummer. But one way of looking at it is, at least you are back in something of an upward trend. For a week or two your lapses were becoming more frequent, now you had a few days in between, so it's back on a bit of an upward trend, lengthening streaks, rather then shortening.


What he said!

Also, don't forget to be kind to yourself when you relapse (I always forget it myself). It's a bummer to slip, but don't forget that learning from relapses is all a part of the process. As long as you don't mess up for the same reason again, that's still progress. We can only keep learning and improving, little by little, but we'll get where we're going eventually.

LeanAndBop

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Re: Journal
« Reply #67 on: May 20, 2019, 07:55:41 AM »
Day 1
Reached my goal.
Next is 5.30pm.
Thanks for all your comments! Really uplifting. Helps me to think positively.
Doing OK today.
Best
Bop

LeanAndBop

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Re: Journal
« Reply #68 on: May 21, 2019, 12:17:42 PM »
Day 2
All good.
Feeling ok. Keeping busy and feel motivated. Listening to a helpful podcast.
No urges but a few triggers.
Next goal is 10.30pm
Best
Bop

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Journal
« Reply #69 on: May 21, 2019, 05:58:55 PM »
Great job! Keep it up, sounds like you are doing the right things.

pichaelthompson

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Re: Journal
« Reply #70 on: May 21, 2019, 09:16:36 PM »
Good to hear you had a nice day. It sucks that triggers are apart of life, glad you aren't getting any urges for now. Wishing you the best

LeanAndBop

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Re: Journal
« Reply #71 on: May 22, 2019, 01:11:49 PM »
Day 3
Got through till now.
Feeling quite angsty today. Mind caught up in worrying. Thoughts and emotions will pass. I am aware of them. Sometimes I really persecute myself.
Next goal is 10.30pm.
Best not to drink and to go to bed early. Journalling could help.
Thanks for the encouragement.
All the best
Bop

LeanAndBop

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Re: Journal
« Reply #72 on: May 23, 2019, 07:13:22 AM »
Day 4
Happy to be here.
Yes reached my goal.
No urges. Aware of uncomfortable emotions and thoughts.
Not too much to say other than it is beautiful day here.
Best
Bop

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Journal
« Reply #73 on: May 23, 2019, 05:52:36 PM »
Glad it was a beautiful day over there!

I once read a book about PMO addiction, and there was a story about a man who said that he first noticed that trees had individual leaves when he started his recovery. It sounds a little silly, but I think there's something real to it. I have been much more aware of the beauty in the world as I've moved away from PMO.

Keep your eyes open to the good in the world and focus on what helps you to progress! You've got this!

LeanAndBop

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Re: Journal
« Reply #74 on: May 24, 2019, 07:03:22 AM »
Day 5
Glad to be here.
@BlueHeronFan thanks for your support. I think it makes sense.
Doing OK. Triggered last night but blocker and accountability app kept me safe. Very glad.
I jogged early today and had some fun.
Goal is to get to 5.30pm. Stay off phone and focus.
I tend to take life seriously, I think sometimes I need to just be like a kid again.
Best
Bop