Author Topic: I guess every form of refuge has its price  (Read 5054 times)

jixu

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Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« Reply #50 on: September 29, 2019, 06:14:18 PM »
Dealing with a reasonably large and extremely unpleasant (as well as utterly unanticipated) financial blow to the family bank account this week.  The good thing is that I didn't procrastinate and immediately engaged in at least some mitigation efforts to contain the thing.  Sometimes if faced with this I would go to sleep and hope it went away the next day-it doesn't work like that.  Was proud that I didn't seek the easy way out and faced it head on and didn't let the stress send me into the wrong stuff and direction.

Take care all-keep going no matter what you are facing.

25 Day Clean       

jixu

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Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« Reply #51 on: October 08, 2019, 01:54:03 PM »
Rats! Lost the restart at 30 plus days a couple of days back. Saw it coming a mile away and didn't fight it properly as it started to very manifestly percolate right before my eyes.  Instead of knocking it out at inception I let it rage like a wildfire out of control.

Just keep going, patience and pace, one day at a time. 

2 Day Clean 

cranm329

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Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« Reply #52 on: October 08, 2019, 08:09:11 PM »
Well done getting getting back on track. Just a thought...rather than fighting this addiction, consider killing it stone dead. Stake through the heart, silver bullet, whatever imagery that works for you. It's a beast that will keep coming back from its hiding place in the deepest recesses of your mind. For me it was other imagery that helped ( have shared in my journal) but I had to face the monster down and say " I deny you! I give you up!" Prepare to psychologically 'die' in the process because the beast is part of you. The 'real' you can then be free to live as never before.

jixu

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Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« Reply #53 on: October 08, 2019, 08:31:14 PM »
Thanks Cranm for your encouragement and comments.  I hadn't thought of conceptualizing it like that, it makes a lot of sense.  Thanks! 

jixu

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Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« Reply #54 on: October 11, 2019, 05:46:08 AM »
Kind of quiet out there in the 40 and up Forum.  Feels like the dark dreary November of the soul has set in early.  Hope folks can give some updates, whether rain or shine.  If you have achieved some goals and desired milestones, pass them along as encouragement and keep going.  If you are struggling, come back in and restart the commitment. Friend, today and tomorrow are what count.
 
Take care!

5 Day clean   

Rex

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Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« Reply #55 on: October 11, 2019, 08:47:47 AM »
Jixu,

Great work on jumping back on the wagon, this was something in the past I was never good at.  Once I started getting good at jumping back on the wagon, that was the first step forward for me to the success I have had in the last year staying away from PMO. 

You need to take one day at a time and not worry about the next day, the days will pass just concentrate on staying clean that day. One thing that I have discovered is that the fall to PMO never begins right before it happens.  It starts in the mind days, weeks, months, etc. before it happens.  In other words if you rationalize a fall to PMO in the future, you'll fall.  Don't give in in your thoughts.  When those thoughts hit your mind, knock them immediately out.  Laugh at those tempting or rationalization thoughts concerning falling to PMO, and keep saying to yourself - "never again".  It will get easier the more times you successfully knock the thoughts out of your mind, the effect they will have on you will lessen the more times you successfully do this.  It's a skill that takes some practice but it yields great results.  You'll find over time the thoughts and temptations won't hold any power over you, you'll have the self control to not let them bother you or pay any attention to them.  You'll treat them like an annoying person that you avoid and ignore.  Another technique that worked well is when I would get porn images of women hit my mind from previous PMO falls, I would pray for these women - a Hail Mary or Our Father prayer.  And every time the images would come back to my mind I would repeat the prayer.  This usually caused the images to stop popping into in my head for a while. The longer you stay away from PMO those former porn images that you viewed begin to fade and drop from your subconscious.

Be very cautious and control what passes through the eyes especially when it comes to TV shows and movies.  If a TV show or movie has nudity in it, don't watch it.  If when watching a TV show or movie you feel it's stimulating bad thoughts or feelings, shut it off and watch something else.  It's amazing how this stuff enters into the subconscious leading to a fall to PMO.  I find when I watch TV now, I watch a lot of documentaries and sports games.  I stopped watching baseball years ago, now I watch MLB baseball games all the time. 

The biggest change I made in order to defeat PMO, was to realize that it was a lot more powerful than me I needed God's help to overcome it.  Just like in any 12 step recovery program, God is the center of the recovery.  It was when I turned over my recovery to God and instituted a daily prayer life that I started to truly beat PMO.  You can read my journal for more details. 

Last, please remember this, no matter how bad the urges or temptations are they always pass.  At the time when they hit they may seem like it's never going to end and you have to submit to them.  No, they will soon pass.  Each time you beat them you get stronger and the urges and temptations overall get weaker.

You recently made it over 30 days free from PMO.  This is a sign that you are close to beating it.  I really started to notice the changes where it got easier after the 60 day mark and then after 6 months I saw big changes where it was second nature to stay clean.  It takes awhile but the longer you stay away from PMO the easier it gets.   

I'll keep you in my prayers.  Keep up the hard work, you are going to beat PMO!

.
« Last Edit: October 11, 2019, 09:07:05 AM by Rex »
Rex
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jixu

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Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« Reply #56 on: October 11, 2019, 10:35:01 AM »
Rex, thanks for that considerate and thoughtful reply.  There is a lot of good stuff to think about and absorb.  You are spot on about giving in to the thoughts-that is what got me last time.  The thought was planted and nurtured prior to the event itself.

I have also noticed that when my daily devotions in the Psalms flounder I become way more susceptible to the urges.  Like you said, they will indeed pass, but it is good to have (as you noted) some spiritual help in warding them off.

Thanks again and best wishes as you continue on your own journey! 

Day 5  Clean

jixu

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Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« Reply #57 on: October 16, 2019, 10:24:29 AM »
Staying on track and patiently engaging in the daily battles that arise. 

WIP, BigMog, idunno, jbow-would love hearing from any of you guys, even if you are taking a break from the forum.  The 40 year old group threads are getting pretty lean these days.  Hope all is well.

10 Day Clean

BigMog

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Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« Reply #58 on: October 16, 2019, 03:39:01 PM »
Hi Jixu, thanks for thinking of me. I’m still here, still reading the forum. I had some success and then a couple of fails, so I’m just regrouping at the moment. I feel I don’t have  much to say but it’s probably sensible to keep journaling more regularly just so I keep focused on the mission.
You’ve said further back that stress at work is a trigger, but conversely that when things are going too well you can have a slip. I think many of us have similar experiences. For me to be successful seems to require just keeping on an even keel, controlling the stress but also when things are going OK not forgetting that I am still in the struggle and making sure I am prepared for when the urges come.
Also I agree with your comments about escaping PMO being part of a bigger goal of self improvement.
Keep up the good fight!

jixu

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Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« Reply #59 on: October 16, 2019, 04:26:54 PM »
BigMog-so great to hear from you, and encouraging as well !  It is always good to be reminded about being on guard when things are going smoothly.  Hope you can get some fresh momentum going as you regroup and continue the trek to freedom.  Thanks again, take care!

jixu

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Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« Reply #60 on: October 21, 2019, 09:40:12 AM »
Had a good weekend with some family members enjoying a portion of awesome and majestic nature.  It is nice to get outdoors and see the enormity of the world-it helps keep my struggles in proper perspective.  Looking forward to a nice jog a bit later.

It is frustrating to lose a streak but the numbers do come back and begin to accumulate.  Never give up, and best wishes to all !

15 Day Clean


cranm329

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Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« Reply #61 on: October 21, 2019, 02:42:37 PM »
Well done for going over 2 weeks.
« Last Edit: October 21, 2019, 07:30:47 PM by cranm329 »

jixu

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Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« Reply #62 on: October 28, 2019, 03:21:41 PM »
Had a good weekend after a challenging week at work.  Most days have been passing without incident but yesterday was a tough one but I prevailed.  Glad to be able to give a good report to my AP.  So easy to give in, but so regrettable afterwards.  Keep fighting, it is worth it.

22 Day Clean

lyon03

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Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« Reply #63 on: November 01, 2019, 06:23:34 AM »
3+ weeks porn-free! Great job my friend. Keep coming back and sharing your journey. For every person posting here, I reckon there are dozens quietly following our journeys. Take care.

Rex

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Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« Reply #64 on: November 01, 2019, 12:45:44 PM »
Jixu,

You have made it through the toughest part of the reboot, keep moving forward and keep up the vigilance that you had the the last three weeks that kept you clean.  Remember, no matter how bad the urges or temptations get, they will pass.  Each time you fight these urges and temptations until they pass, you win and it gets easier to fight them. 

Keep up the hard work!  You're doing great. 

Rex
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jixu

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Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« Reply #65 on: November 11, 2019, 08:05:11 AM »
Been focusing on ways to deal with difficulties in the employment arena-often times the struggles at work spill over to other areas of life in non-helpful ways.  Met up with a friend and got some good advice on dealing with some of the situations.  It seems like we often think only experts have the answers but sometimes the guy across the street or the old friend is just or even more helpful.

Thanks Rex and Lyon for the encouragement.

13 Day Clean   

jixu

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Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« Reply #66 on: November 18, 2019, 12:46:27 PM »
Been doing better at properly channelling work-related stress; that is a big issue with me, generally speaking.  Have also increased the social activities a bit, something I'm not always that enthusiastic about.   I have discovered, however, that usually the events turn out to be a lot better than expected!  I am going to an event this weekend that I am only so-so about so i guess i'll have a chance to test the theory!

20 Day Clean     

warp4

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Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« Reply #67 on: November 26, 2019, 10:28:24 AM »
Hi jixu

first time poster here and wanted to say your posts have inspired me.  I'm 55 yo and have been dealing with PMO almost since I first signed up with AOL (I know, I know) in the late 90's.  My obsession has come and gone over the years, but never gone for good.  My trigger has always been work stress too, coupled with boredom and my general lack of desire for socializing (I'm an introvert, prefer my own company and that of my wife to anyone else).

Over the last 3 years, work got very stressful and emotionally painful for me and stresses in life outside of work increased too.  In April of this year, I resigned from my job of 25 years under duress and it really crushed my soul.  I loved what I did and it was my career, not just a "job".  This emotional and financial pain led to a several month binge of PMO.  Turned to webcam for the first time along with vanilla porn sites.  Put myself in debt racking up charges to chat with cam girls.  My wife has been on to me for several years about my porn habit and though she's not necessarily opposed to porn, she is opposed to my binging and PIED.  About 3 weeks ago, I discovered Gary Wilson's YouTube video which led me to videos from Gabe, which led me to Reboot Nation.  I've been PMO clean for almost 3 weeks now, though I did slip about 6 days ago, but only got to the "P" stage, didn't follow with "MO".

This morning I am struggling with urges and "wanting", so I decided to jump on the Forums here for my age group and read your story.  After writing the above, I find my urge is still there, but not nearly so strong.  I think you've helped me through one more day.  Thanks for sharing your journey and continuing struggles.  It really does help the rest of us.

jixu

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Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« Reply #68 on: November 26, 2019, 11:23:23 AM »
Hi Warp-thanks so much for your incredibly encouraging comments!  Also, and more importantly, congratulations on undertaking this new commitment to engage in this battle.  The webcam escalation is a definite no-go zone warning (danger danger Will Robinson!!) and I'm glad you have taken control.  I will say, however, that it is hard to say what anyone would do if facing a job situation as you described-that would be a huge stressor looking for an outlet.  That would devastate anyone, so please don't be too hard on yourself.  At any rate, best wishes and even with some stumbles here and there it will be nice to have an over-all clean feeling of doing the right thing to improve ourselves !  Keep going, you are doing the right thing. 

jixu

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Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« Reply #69 on: November 30, 2019, 11:07:27 AM »
Wishing everyone a clean and enjoyable weekend.  Let's renew our resolve and build some momentum as we battle our way day by day into the new year.  Nothing magical about calendar dates but they can serve as reflecting points and motivational helps.  No more destruction from this garbage!  Take care, and keep going forward today-right now. 

32 Day Clean

warp4

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Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« Reply #70 on: November 30, 2019, 01:03:34 PM »
Wishing everyone a clean and enjoyable weekend.  Let's renew our resolve and build some momentum as we battle our way day by day into the new year.  Nothing magical about calendar dates but they can serve as reflecting points and motivational helps.  No more destruction from this garbage!  Take care, and keep going forward today-right now. 

32 Day Clean

Thank you Jixu.  Hope your weekend is clean but fun.  I'm nearly a month into this (had nothing to do with "No Nut November" though, it was just seriously TIME), but still have to fight off the "wanting" nearly every day.  The holidays are a blessing in that there are more people/family around, so I'm occupied by (trying to) socialize.  I'm the cook in my family, so that keeps me occupied, as does the inevitable clean up!  The days that are difficult are those where I am bored, because when I get bored, I start to stress and when I stress...you know.

This is literally a battle with my own brain and a part of myself I don't like very much.  I even find my brain trying to tell me that "this isn't bad, come on, you need a little pleasure now and then, what easier way to get it, no one has to know blah blah blah".  It's scary when I read on these forums about guys who say they feel much more in control after only 2 or 3 weeks.  I don't feel more in control, yet, and I'm worried "what if I never get there?"  I know I'm only a month into this, but still.  Its probably that addicted part of my brain trying to make me give up, in a more insidious way.

Anyway,  best to all of you out there and fight the good fight!

BigMog

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Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« Reply #71 on: December 03, 2019, 04:40:00 AM »
Well done for 32 days Jixu, keep it going!

jixu

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Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« Reply #72 on: December 06, 2019, 07:25:42 AM »
BigMog-thanks for the encouragement.  It is always good to hear from you and know that you are still trekking along!  Warp, hope you are still engaged in the battle.

Here is to a clean weekend!

38 Day Clean 
« Last Edit: December 06, 2019, 07:59:16 AM by jixu »

John1968

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Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« Reply #73 on: December 07, 2019, 06:13:58 AM »
Hi guys hope you don’t mind me chipping in
I’m comcerned
Reading this thread and a few others it seems I should be gagging to get some porn on
My story is I’m 51 and noticed about 5 years ago that I wasn’t excited in sex wasn’t getting hard during foreplay or kissing etc
Also lost morning erections and not had one in 4 years
I have been pursuing low testosterone as mine is low, but being in the uk you don’t get anywhere with trying to get on trt very easily so went down the self medicating route
Upped my testosterone to high levels and to normal levels and it made zero difference
Then stumbled across this no fap thing and it does resonate with my porn use
However I started and it’s been easy as have no libido to even watch porn anyway , I think I have been In a flat line before even starting no fap
It’s been 4 weeks and I gonna continue for 90 days but i feel  no different so far at all, I’m starting to feel like I’ll never get my libido back
What do you think?

jixu

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Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« Reply #74 on: December 07, 2019, 09:36:40 AM »
Hi!  To any and all: please feel free to use this thread if you would like to respond to John1968's question that was posted directly before this entry on this thread. I don't feel very qualified to reply at the depth it deserves.

First, good job on the streak and glad to see that you are committed to the 90 days; maybe some of the answers will fall into place by then.  I have never really had the libido problem that you discussed.  My layman's opinion would be that it is multi-factoral, likely encompassing physical health, emotional aspects, socialization and relationship status, and even some world-view (religion, spiritual, etc) aspects thrown in for good measure.  Not my field, but I find it beyond highly unlikely that the libido will never return; you would be a candidate for the front page of the Daily Mail were that to occur. 

As I spend more time here, thinking through my own stuff and reading about others, I am getting more and more convinced that there is a huge
connection between the mental (by this I mean emotional well-being) and the physical.  I think the two form a self-reinforcing feed back loop, where the mental hits the physical and then the physical strikes the mental, and on and on it goes.   Which factor is the chicken and which factor is the egg I don't know, but, it also doesn't really matter-the dialectical interplay moves on, and it either intensifies or lessens.   

I also believe that relationship philosophy is huge. We have to think of the person we are with as valuable and deserving, and not just view them as "a warm place to put it."  I am not saying you did this, I am just thinking out loud here.  It is an easy thing to fall into this mindset at times.  For me, I'm trying to bolster my conception of the relationship with my wife as companionship (friendship). Sure, physical intimacy is a big part, but it isn't everything.  But, interestingly, and this is what i am getting more and more convinced of, when the companionship aspect kicks in and improves-surprise, surprise, surprise-the physical intimacy seems to miraculously and correspondingly improve as well. 

I guess the bottom line suggestion from me would be to take a "spiritual inventory" update in addition to working the physiological component; I think they go hand in hand.  I don't think focusing on physiological alone is sufficient.  The spiritual stuff is obviously very personal, but, whatever form you deploy, make sure it is the type that provides comfort and guidance, and answers "big topics" like how does one obtain significance and security in this world, and what is the essence of relationships.  If you already have this side of things concretized in your life, then good, and please disregard!

Ok, maybe this crazy Yank has said enough.   If no one responds you could consider posting this matter out on another forum in an effort to get wider readership and a more learned response.  At any rate, keep going to the 90 and then reassess from there; I bet things will be different at that stage.