Author Topic: From Darkness to Light - My Journal  (Read 1069 times)

Elvis on Velvet

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Re: From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« Reply #25 on: January 03, 2020, 03:54:49 PM »
Well, I thought I would be able to post more often over the holidays, but it was too busy and I had too many family and work functions going on.  First of all, a very happy 2020 to all my fellow rebooters!  I hope everyone is looking forward to this being the year we vanquish our addictions and continue on the road to recovery.  I'm looking to make 2020 100% PMO-free!

That being said, I am 70 days PMO-free today.  I have continued to peek at porn, however, and stopping this is my resolution for the new year. 

Trigger warning:

Earlier this week, I had sex with my wife without using viagra.  Again, it was "unplanned" sex, so I didn't have time to stress out about it, and I was able to stay hard while switching from her giving me oral to penetration, and back again.  This is an achievement for me, as over the previous weeks, I would lose my erection if we stopped penetration and did something else.  This time I was hard all the way through, and we finished satisfactorily.  My ejaculations are much larger now than they used to be during my daily PMO days, and it actually feels good, instead being immediately followed by guilt and anger as in the past.

Now the bad news.  After this happened, my sick fucking addicted brain wanted to celebrate by PMOing!  My first thought was "I'm cured! I can go back to jerking off to porn!"  WTF???  I didn't give in, but the temptation was very strong.  It scared me because I'm afraid I will have to fight this thing for the rest of my life.  It really hammered home how tight in it's grip this thing had me.

Anyway, wifey and I are going to Mexico the week after next, and I'll be bringing viagra but really hoping I won't have to rely on it 100%.

Again, happy new year to everyone and may our 2020 be the year we recover!

Cheers!

Elvis on Velvet

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Re: From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« Reply #26 on: January 21, 2020, 05:17:19 PM »
I've been away from here too long!  I'm at 88 days PMO-free, but my porn peeking has increased and I'm really worried I'm losing control over that part of my life again.  Pretty much the only thing keeping me from PMOing right now is my desire not to ruin my streak.  It's totally the wrong reason, but at least it's A reason.

As a follow up to my previous post, my wife and I went to Mexico last week and had a great time.  We had a lot of sex, and I used viagra one time but was OK without it the rest of the time.  Being on vacation, I had pretty much no desire to look at porn and didn't have my phone with me the majority of the time anyway.  It was pretty awesome, actually!  She got a new job where she will be working at home full time and I'm really happy about that for many reasons, but one of them is that she'll be there during my work from home days, which in the past were big PMO triggers for me.  Selfish, I know, but it's gonna help me!

I have MO'd once or twice, mostly to prove to myself that I can get it up without any porn.  It's hard to explain, but my erections during these times have felt different than the ones I got with porn.  They're not softer or harder, I just get a different sensation.  It's weird, but has anyone else experienced this?

I haven't been really focused on counting days, but I've got 90 coming up in 2 days, and for me that's a big achievement.

Thanks for reading!