Author Topic: With Hopes of Starting Over  (Read 88 times)

withhopesofstartingover

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 5
    • View Profile
With Hopes of Starting Over
« on: March 14, 2019, 04:19:08 PM »
I'm British, 30-years-old, and I've known porn has been ruining my life for about five years -- it's only within the past three months that I've started to do something about it.

I discovered masturbation as a very young boy. I did it often, usually over music videos. When I was 12-years-old I watched my first porn videos online -- very simple stuff. At about 13-years-old I discovered late night television and would masturbate over that. Then I got my own laptop and learned that I could download short, 30 second clips for free. I built up enormous collections of increasingly hardcore stuff.

At around 17-years-old I lost my virginity to my girlfriend at the time. We had some positive sexual experiences, but towards the end of our relationship I developed an early ejaculation problem, and seeing as we had already started to fall out of love with each other, we ended the relationship when I was about 18-years old.

My biggest mistake was not looking for a new partner and expecting one to land on my doorstep. I went through university without having a relationship. I then started up my own business at home and focused on building it from the ground up. I've been extremely successful in my work, but the nature of it means that I rarely socialise and am at home pretty much all the time. Anytime I had a sexual urge, I turned to porn to fulfil it.

At the age of 28-years-old I dated my childhood sweetheart and we eventually got sexual with each other. There were other issues about her attitude that caused me anxiety, but I obviously couldn't get an erection with her. This was a humiliating experience that I struggled to overcome. But she told me it was okay, and we worked at it. The sex was never memorable, but we had a couple of sessions. My dysfunction returned a few months later, and she broke up with me.

It was around this time I learned about PIED and did make some minor efforts to break my habit, but I also learned about camgirls. I estimate that I spent five figures on camgirls through 2017 and 2018. I noticed that the more I watched and wanked, though, the less intense my erections became. At times I was paying girls to talk dirty with me, but I wasn't even getting hard. I'd still make myself cum, though, because I was paying for it.

About six months ago I met a wonderful new girl. She first told me she was polyamorous and very sexually experienced. I told her about my PIED problems and we both decided to go our different ways. We connected so strongly, though, that we stayed in contact and kept meeting. We built up to sex and I couldn't get an erection. We tried again and it was a bit better. We've kept trying and while we've had some kind of sexual relationship, I find it very difficult to maintain an erection (although I can get hard).

She recommended I see a doctor, which I did. I passed all physical examinations with flying colours, so now I have to see what the next step is. (Presumably viagra?)

I quit porn at the start of the year. I have been back a handful of times, and had one weekend where I completely fell down the camsite rabbit hole. That said, I've been doing well, I think. In March I've been on porn sites twice, for maybe a combined total of 20 minutes maximum. Considering I was visiting porn at least three times a day every single day, this is a gigantic improvement.

I've since tried to take on NoFap, too. My original goal was to only orgasm using my imagination, but now I've set myself a target of only orgasming with my new partner.

She's been very good and patient with me, and I've been totally transparent and honest with her about my situation. I think she will end up breaking up with me because I don't think I can give her what she needs yet, but I'm trying to remind myself that I'm on the right road and I need to stick to it whatever happens. Maybe she will fall in love with me and give me the time to recover I need.

Away from porn and my poor sex life, I'm an incredible guy. I'm funny, ambitious, healthy, intelligent. This shouldn't have happened to me and I feel like I've wasted a decade of my life, but I can't get the time back. I've set myself a new goal of ageing gracefully and packing the next ten years with everything I missed.

It's only been 10 weeks but my porn consumption has significantly dropped, I've achieved one big work related goal, and I finally went on an international trip that I've wanted to do for years. More importantly, the girl continues to talk to me and continues to want to spend time with me.

But this has to be the last time now. If this is going to take me a year to recover from, potentially more, then I'm already 30-years-old and I simply don't have anymore time. I can't fall back into the porn rabbit hole and end up 31-years-old and needing to start from scratch.

This has to be it.
« Last Edit: March 14, 2019, 04:23:47 PM by withhopesofstartingover »

Pete McVries

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 281
    • View Profile
Re: With Hopes of Starting Over
« Reply #1 on: March 14, 2019, 08:01:43 PM »
Welcome aboard. May you recover quickly and completely.

Viagra/Cialis can be a helpful crutch in the beginning but your PIED is not located in your penis but your brain so they will only do so much. I plan on taking a cialis, too, when it's finally time for sex again even if it's just for the placebo effect. But I don't plan on becoming dependent on them.

withhopesofstartingover

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 5
    • View Profile
Re: With Hopes of Starting Over
« Reply #2 on: March 15, 2019, 08:46:33 AM »
Thanks for the reply and words of encouragement, Pete. I'm doing pretty okay staying away from porn and masturbation at the moment, and I have no real desire to go back to it at the time of typing.

I am catastrophizing over this girl, though. I feel like I'm against the clock and I've got to fix myself quick, but I know it's not going to work like that. I'm worried about losing her because I think our relationship is really, really good outside of the bedroom -- but I also know that if she's really falling in love with me, then she'll have patience. I would if it was the other way around.

I know that I need to stop worrying because PIED is also leading to more general performance anxiety, and that's only going to exacerbate the problem. I need to be relaxed and the best possible person I can be. I'm a brilliant guy with so much potential, and the only way I'm going to overcome this is if I remind myself of that.

Anything can happen in life, and I'm trying to focus on that. While it's possible that the girl breaks up with me, it's just as possible that we fall in love and have a wonderful future together. I can only control my actions, so I just need to make sure I move forward every day.