Author Topic: A new beginning (Read 5218 times)

Quitforeverthenwin · « **Reply #50 on:** April 11, 2019, 04:53:17 PM »

Stay strong bro!I'd say ESPECIALLY avoid the youtube video like the plague that is a slippery dangerous slope. I feel you, finding that balance is hard.

Part of it, I think is being both. Being super strict about not doing any of this bad stuff but without chastizing ourselves or being mad for wanting to or imperfects. Almost like avoiding it is a way to take care of ourselves.

BlueHeronFan · « **Reply #51 on:** April 11, 2019, 07:43:06 PM »

I was right where you are a couple days ago. The strong urges are AWFUL! But they've settled down as I've gone through the week. It might take a while, but they will die down, so keep doing what you know you should and stay clear of anything that could tip you over the edge.

I've been doing meditation and learning about anxiety a lot lately. One of the things I listened to recently said that when we just pay attention to the physical sensation of anxiety, where is it in the body, what does it feel like, etc., we approach that anxiety with curiosity instead of worry. And, because curiosity feels better than worry, our brain starts to build a new habit around curiosity instead of worrying.

It might be that what you need to do now is just lose yourself in some task--exercise, dancing, some kind of handiwork--and just get your mind away from any urges. But, it might also be useful to spend some time understanding what you feel when you feel an urge, not worrying about it or judging it or acting on it, but just understanding it. Depending on my mood that could either help me or push me over the edge, so you'll have to decide what's right for you now.

Either way, we're here for you. Don't let those urges have their way!

pichaelthompson · « **Reply #52 on:** April 13, 2019, 01:10:28 PM »

Thanks guys! Yeah @blueheronfan that's a really good idea that connects alot from what I am starting to get out of meditation, I think I instinctually try to push anxiety down when I'm around people, but that only makes it come back stronger. My worry is always that if I lean into my anxiety that I will act even weirder than I already am being, but even if that's the case that's the only way I can move forward and not let it effect me as much. I think I'm at the point in the streak where there are no real benefits to speak of, as well as fluctuating urges. I just gotta keep reminding myself that this is better than PMO because of my long-term goals, and continue to look towards things in the future; my big audition in a couple weeks, and then get to see some of my best friends and road trip around in the summer. While it hit me especially hard the last few days that I haven't made any deep connections with people during my time here in grad school since the year is pretty much over, I won't let that take away from who I am towards the people I care about and the people that care about me.

BlueHeronFan · « **Reply #53 on:** April 13, 2019, 07:36:16 PM »

Recovery can definitely be a bit of a drag sometimes. We turn to PMO because it lets us trade the anxiety of life for a dopamine high, so I guess it isn't surprising that things can seem a little flat or a little bleak without it. But we're in the process of readjusting to normal stimuli, and I guess that takes time.

And I'm with you on grad school. It can be hard to make connections. Even harder not to feel anxiety all the time. Grad school is hard, and grad students deal with anxiety and depression at something like three times the rate of the general population. I don't mean to be discouraging, just to say that we need to take time to take care of ourselves, whatever that means.

I think recovery and grad school are both ways to do something really hard (that we sometimes wonder if it's even worth it) in order to have a better life in the future. I don't know why we decided to put ourselves through both at the same time lol, but just think of the lives we'll have when we're through

They'll definitely both be worth it!

pichaelthompson · « **Reply #54 on:** April 15, 2019, 01:00:41 PM »

Thanks @BlueHeronFan, yes patience is definitely key. For sure it's important to take care of ourselves in healthy ways, I got to play some bball yesterday with people which definitely made me feel better

Urges are present, but not as bad as earlier. I do know that I want to be ready (whatever that means) for a relationship as soon as possible, and I truly believe no PMO is the best way to get there. Relationships with people are always going to be unpredictable, so all we can control is ourselves to be ready for anything, otherwise we will miss potentially life changing opportunities. Only 2 weeks left of school, and I'm going to do what I can to make every day count and finish the year strong.

BlueHeronFan · « **Reply #55 on:** April 15, 2019, 06:44:31 PM »

You got it! We're on the last couple weeks of class too. It's going to be a big push to the end, but we can do it!

And I know exactly what you mean: I want a relationship and I want to make sure that I'm actually ready for it when it comes. I want to give the best version of me to whoever I end up with, and kicking this habit is a huge part of that. Let's get us worked out so that we can be the kinds of guys that will attract the kinds of women we want to attract!

Quitforeverthenwin · « **Reply #56 on:** April 15, 2019, 07:52:40 PM »

No doubt about that, no pmo is the way to go 100%. Keep it up!

pichaelthompson · « **Reply #57 on:** April 16, 2019, 10:54:39 PM »

Another day, not as productive as I've hoped for but thats okay, I feel more peaceful and less anxious than I usually do. Hope to do better tomorrow!

Quitforeverthenwin · « **Reply #58 on:** April 18, 2019, 09:50:44 AM »

Great man, glad to hear you had a good day!

pichaelthompson · « **Reply #59 on:** April 20, 2019, 11:45:59 AM »

Final stretch, I've been feeling more of an urge to just be generally lazy rather than PMO, which is less stressful but has also hurt my production these last couple days. I think my brain is like "good job not PMO'ing, as a reward you can just watch netflix/youtube and chill." I think it's partly because I am already in "summer mode" with a week of school to go, but I gotta remind myself to just focus on what I have to do every day and not look too far ahead. If I do that, the future will be naturally brighter...3 days till I hit the 30 day mark!

BlueHeronFan · « **Reply #60 on:** April 20, 2019, 07:40:50 PM »

Three days! That is awesome! Keep it up!

Congrats too on almost finishing up classes for semester. I know part of my recovery means wanting to be productive and get better all the time, but I'm trying to learn how to take it easy sometimes too. So, of course, don't write yourself a ticket to do whatever you want, but don't feel too bad about going into summer mode. Everyone needs a break once in a while

Quitforeverthenwin · « **Reply #61 on:** April 20, 2019, 11:42:01 PM »

Congrats bro! Something I think about is having better "lows". Like my old lows were PMO and awful emotional pain after. Now my unproductive days are reading and napping. SO, that's good progress! Cutting out the pmo is the priority after all....

pichaelthompson · « **Reply #62 on:** April 22, 2019, 10:04:49 AM »

That's true y'all, I shouldn't be too hard on myself for my lows, at least one thing that comes out of it is that they serve as a reminder and motivator to hit my highs again.

Day 30:
Very busy this week, 2 finals, huge audition in 8 days, and have some other loose ends to tie up. I am proud for going this far but honestly haven't feel much different these last couple weeks, which is completely fine. It's important to remind myself to not look for results and just keep a mentality of balance of self-motivation and kindness with progress to continue to maintain my healthy habits and improve how I go about them. Being humble, being grateful for what I have, and having optimism are three important things that I often get away from, I will try to keep it in the back of my mind as I go about my day.

Quitforeverthenwin · « **Reply #63 on:** April 22, 2019, 07:58:43 PM »

Congrats bro on the day 30! Even if you don't feel too different lately, day 30 is still huge progress! So that is results right there in my opinion. Getting this streak will pay dividends for sure, even if you don't notice it, I bet being PMO free has really helped your audition prep.

BlueHeronFan · « **Reply #64 on:** April 23, 2019, 09:22:46 PM »

30 Days! That's awesome!

Man, humility, gratitude, and optimism. That's huge, and I could definitely work on all three of those more consistently. It's so inspiring to see other people making progress. You know, I was really nervous about joining a forum like this one, but I'm really glad I did. Thanks (to you and everyone) for sharing your progress with me and for being a part of my recovery too.

pichaelthompson · « **Reply #65 on:** April 24, 2019, 12:23:24 PM »

Thanks y'all! Yeah I've definitely had my doubts about joining a forum like this too, but it does feel nice letting out my thoughts without fear of judgement. I'm grateful for y'all sharing your stories, because they have helped me more than you guys can imagine.

Urges come and go, nothing too different than what I've been experiencing. I'm really enjoying my meditation now when in the past I think I thought of it more as a thing to do to get better. Just sitting and focusing on the breath brings on such a wave of calm that helps me get through the days. It feels weird not wanting anything past friendship with girls right now...I feel like I've desired sex/romance consistently since puberty lol. I just feel like I need to distance myself from this addiction to the point where I have 99% confidence I will never turn back...that may be a long road but one that will prepare me for the future.

Quitforeverthenwin · « **Reply #66 on:** April 24, 2019, 10:55:55 PM »

Sounds like you are in a great spot! Enjoying your meditation, not wanting anything from girls. All really good stuff. Keep up the good work. Freindships with girls sounds really good, thats an area I always struggled with.

BlueHeronFan · « **Reply #67 on:** April 25, 2019, 07:46:46 PM »

Keep it going, man! Glad the meditation is working, too. It really does take the edge off, doesn't it?

pichaelthompson · « **Reply #68 on:** May 03, 2019, 12:50:34 PM »

Thanks y'all! Things have been getting alot better for me socially, I'm back home around friends that I've missed alot in grad school and I feel like I can be more open towards people I am just meeting. Sure there's some awkwardness here and there, but I'm not fixating on it like I usually do. Being around people almost all the time (I stayed at a friend's house this past week) has definitely made the urges way less intense, and now that I'm back home I feel refreshed and ready to take my self-improvement to the next level.

While my audition didn't go as well as I hoped, partly from lack of organization in my preparation and partly from being unfocused with all the school and loneliness stuff, I'm feeling optimistic about doing better next time; I signed up for this online program that will help me organize my preparation so when my next audition comes I'll go in with 100% confidence. Looking forward to a great summer!

Quitforeverthenwin · « **Reply #69 on:** May 03, 2019, 06:05:23 PM »

Sounds like great stuff! Glad to hear things are going well and that you are optimistic about the next audition. I feel you on the lonliness, I think part of it could be getting comfortable getting pmo out of our lives.

pichaelthompson · « **Reply #70 on:** May 04, 2019, 01:10:54 PM »

I totally agree, there is definitely a part of me that is uncomfortable with the thought of never PMO'ing again. I think the best thing for me is to just accept it and try to shift my focus to other things that I am interested in.

Worked out really hard this morning, my muscles are sore but I'm gunna push through and get some good practicing in. I know there will be time for breaks in the future, but now I gotta step up and grind. Meditation serves as a break from all the mental strain from the things I do, so definitely looking forward to that at some point today as well.

BlueHeronFan · « **Reply #71 on:** May 04, 2019, 07:36:18 PM »

Glad you're still making progress!

Quote from: pichaelthompson on May 04, 2019, 01:10:54 PM

I totally agree, there is definitely a part of me that is uncomfortable with the thought of never PMO'ing again. I think the best thing for me is to just accept it and try to shift my focus to other things that I am interested in.

I've been thinking a lot about this same thing in the last few days. It's been weird, in the urges that I've felt, I've also been like weirdly missing PMO, like the way I might miss a friend from back home. I remember reading a long time ago that PMO works with the same chemicals that our brains release when we are in relationships with people. So I kind of wonder if the feeling of loneliness is just our brains' way of interpreting a lack of PMO.

I know these feelings, and they always seem to hit me hardest at night for some reason. It's weird to feel lonely and homesick for porn at the same time that I'm trying to quit and keep myself away from it all. But I'm sure the weirdness is temporary, and all we can do is just keep going forward!

LeanAndBop · « **Reply #72 on:** May 05, 2019, 04:59:01 AM »

I can understand how you would miss PMO, if it has been a means to sooth your angst or whatever it may be (perhaps it just felt great) then it is natural to miss it, surely? It benefited you, to an extent.

But here is the thing, it feels good and soothes you (whatever the purpose was, these are examples) but this is a short term benefit for you. Consuming porn provides a short term benefit for the consumer...what about the long term? What about the rest of society? As I'm sure you guys know otherwise we wouldn't be here trying to quit PMO!

Just some thoughts.

Wishing you all the best.

pichaelthompson · « **Reply #73 on:** May 05, 2019, 03:33:27 PM »

I'm totally with you @BlueHeronFan, it does generate that homesick feeling sometimes. What keeps me going is reminding myself that this feeling is nothing more than that; the actual experience of relapsing will just be 2 seconds of pleasure with shame, depression, anxiety, and even more loneliness. On the other hand, when I'm homesick for friends and family, I know that when I eventually get to see them the experience is really fulfilling and reminds me of what is important in life.

Thanks for your input, @LeanAndBop. It makes me sad to think about how many lives are being negatively affected by porn, without them even knowing about it. On the other hand, knowing that I have an opportunity to remove myself from this group is all the more motivating.

I feel tired, but a good kind of tired...I've worked out and done alot of good organizational stuff today such as planning out my practice schedule for the next month, and feel good about just living more and being present: when it's time to work, I'm in it 100% and when I'm around friends and family I'm also in it 100%. Time to go meditate and keep the good vibes going!

BlueHeronFan · « **Reply #74 on:** May 05, 2019, 06:25:36 PM »

I love that good kind of tired, glad to hear it.

You're right on about the difference of being homesick for PMO and being homesick for family. You don't feel shame and disappointment after spending time with your family. PMO is fake and it tries to replace the things that really matter. It's pretty rude for what it does.

And I also think about all those people who are deep into porn without realizing the harm it does. On some level, I always knew it was wrong, and that finally brought me to work on recovery. But what about those people who don't think there's a problem with it. It really is sad... Sometimes I wonder what I can do to fight the porn industry, but I guess getting it out of my own life is the most important first step. At least I know where to start with just me. Maybe later I'll be in some position to fight the issue more publicly. Who knows?