Author Topic: My journal to recovery- Could use support  (Read 9512 times)

wecandoit

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 54
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #475 on: November 28, 2019, 09:28:38 AM »
Man, you write novels here  :D

Anyway, life is not a linear track. If we feel bad now, it's just a phase. We don't need to PMO to "cope" with it.

Rebooter2019

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 294
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #476 on: November 28, 2019, 12:48:18 PM »
Man you seem good in introspection, just watch out not to overthink everything. I have analytical abilities myself and I tend to overthink alot of things. Just be careful!

As for the studying and stuff, I'm happy that you find joy and peace in doing so. Keep at it if it help you. Anything that help without affecting you negatively in the long run is good.

Keep going man, you're making good progress!!

quitforeverthenwin2

  • Member

  • Online
  • ***

  • 194
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #477 on: November 28, 2019, 05:20:11 PM »
Happy thanksgving everyone!
Short time dinner with family soon.

Kept commitment  of 4 hours to study
Kept commitment of not thinking of girls in bed, renewing it for tonight and tomorrow am.

Feeling good!

Working hard is awesome.

Yeah guys I write a lot lol. Had ideas just wrote em here, maybe I'll get a personal
Journal going gain who knows


quitforeverthenwin2

  • Member

  • Online
  • ***

  • 194
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #478 on: November 28, 2019, 05:24:05 PM »
Rebooted good point! I love analyzing the hell out of things. I have a friend who is similar. So I think it'll be good to have a new career path that involves analysis and logic so I can direct it there rather then over analysis of self.

And yup wecandoit: thanks for the reminder up and down is normal

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1167
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #479 on: November 28, 2019, 07:17:47 PM »
That sounds like an awesome experience that could break up that fight, and it's cool that you're getting out there and talking to girls without getting overly attached to the result.

I think that's a strong advertisement for visualization: you imagined breaking up a fight, and then it actually happened! It's interesting to think about what else you might be preparing for by thinking about it ahead of time.

Overall, it sounds like things are getting back on track. I'm glad things turned around for you (and it's a good reminder that, with all these ups and downs we go through, no down is ever permanent).

Keep killin' it, and happy Thanksgiving!

quitforeverthenwin2

  • Member

  • Online
  • ***

  • 194
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #480 on: November 29, 2019, 08:23:12 AM »
Thanks man! Yup, I seem to be in a better period for sure.
So, I did not keep that commitment last night and did end up fantasizing about girls a bit.... not the end of the world. Just something to watch and do better at next time,
I am happy to report, this is likely the longest period I have gone without full blown fantasizing about porn/ pmo fetishes maybe the second longest, but longest in idk 3-4 years at least. Thats pretty awesome. In that sense I am cleaner then I have ever been. Feels soooo good that those fantasies seem a bit "alien " to me. BUT gotta stay humble and keep this up, be careful and do all the right things to stay this way.

Family around is helpful, getting invited to things often.
Reminder to self: write about confrontation yesterday and wider  principle of boundaries instead of over thinking and getting super mad.

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1167
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #481 on: November 29, 2019, 08:19:17 PM »
Stay humble, keep doing the right things, a recipe for success!

Just keep truckin', man!

quitforeverthenwin2

  • Member

  • Online
  • ***

  • 194
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #482 on: November 30, 2019, 12:47:42 AM »
Just got my 4 hours of work done! Didn't "want" to do it, started real late and got the last hour in late, but it ended up fun! Wow can't believe I may have found an actual new passion. Since my injuries haven't been really really into something at the some level, as I was my sports......

Decent day. More drama but handled it better. Moving forward I need to work on less anger and more assertiveness! They have something of an inverse relationship. STILL need to write that story from thanksgiving lol.

Honestly, I think this week is teaching me that I must fear confrontation and setting boundaries less. Not setting boundaries ended up with a huge amount of people hating me, it'd be nicer to have one or two dislike me and not be taken advantage of, then try and be nice the whole way until it's impossible.

Anyway so my friends who totally turned on me, along with someone else I was doing business with, turned out well. So I had curses yelled at me, emails sent criticizing me with curses to my former friends (who ended up turning against me). My whole thing was be the bigger person ignore the nosense. That did not work. It got more and more.

More demands were made of me and threats from all sides. I calmly laid down the law. I sent a voice message to the other business person Basically calmly saying " I don't want to deal with you screaming curses. I have had enough of you trying to cause me problems. I am not sending you that nonsense you demaned. If you keep it up, you are going to have big problems, you have a lot more to lose then me". I also outlined the situation etc. Basically I stopped being "friendly" I stated very firmly essentially "if you keep coming after me I am coming after you".

I sent a voice message to my former friends (who were threatening not to pay me). Outlining how I stuck my neck out for them and did all this stuff that wasn't going to make my money and essentially "well, since you are threatening to not pay me, you are no longer my friend and guess what legally you are required to pay me".

No one responded to my messages except with an email that was pure business essentially finalizing  the deal  and an image of a check for me : )

I have been way too afraid of people not liking me in the past. Like the other situation, where someone tried to take advantage of me... I literally could have very simply sent an email back like "Sorry you are asking me to do a job I just interviewed for; for no pay, if you want me to do that for you, we need to discuss compensation first." Could that have made this person dislike me? Sure. But that person was taking advantage of me, I can't always be afraid of not being friends with everyone. Either they could treat me fairly or dislike me, I need to learn to accept that will happen sometimes.

Instead what ended up happening was. They dislike me and by me bringing someone else into the situation I looked bad and lost another connection. Both situations similar. (I also didn't mention it but got screwed over at a job a few months ago).

Basically I am being a big fat wimp. (There is another word I want to use, I don't care about being politically correct but don't want to trigger anyone lol). Not for getting taken advantage of, but for the fact that the reason it is happening is: I am straight up; Afraid people won't like me. Like if someone is "nice" on the surface and screwing me over I had been afraid to set the boundary and risk they wouldn't be "nice" anymore.

That is exactly what some people want. They act nice on the surface and can screw over people who are afraid of setting boundaries and losing the facade of friendliness at will.

Something to change. At the deepest level it is fear of confrontation and fear of dislike and/or abandonment.

Anyways, grateful I got a lot of good lessons in these last months and I have some SERIOUS changes to make. Increase assertiveness and DECREASE rage. Stay tuned for more of the novel perhaps lol

quitforeverthenwin2

  • Member

  • Online
  • ***

  • 194
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #483 on: November 30, 2019, 09:19:13 AM »
No thoughts of girls last night. Nice, I tried to do what kavirbeh (sorry man I can't spell that) and blueheron were talking about in another thread. Sort of idk not fighting it. And I easily fell asleep. I was shocked when I woke up like "Man, just like that I feel asleep with a clear mind?".

Woke up pre alarm feeling good. Ate left over damn turkey which has me a lil tired now lol. But I guess if I get working I'll wake up and it'll just relax me.

Bout to go do my 4 hour study, may have to break it up a bit. Then yoga, which my body is craving. Been feeling good mostly but no yoga in a few days, knee, back, neck could use it!

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1167
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #484 on: November 30, 2019, 07:48:41 PM »
I have been way too afraid of people not liking me in the past. 

Basically I am being a big fat wimp. (There is another word I want to use, I don't care about being politically correct but don't want to trigger anyone lol). Not for getting taken advantage of, but for the fact that the reason it is happening is: I am straight up; Afraid people won't like me. Like if someone is "nice" on the surface and screwing me over I had been afraid to set the boundary and risk they wouldn't be "nice" anymore.

Man, I relate to this. Just this year, I have been trying to learn how to stick up for myself better and not be a total people-pleaser. I'm so worried about people not liking me (even people I don't like) and not making anyone uncomfortable ever. I don't know where that comes from, but I have realized in the last few months that it's something that is holding me back. I'm super proud of you for sending those emails, getting your check, and being your own strongest ally!

No thoughts of girls last night. Nice, I tried to do what kavirbeh (sorry man I can't spell that) and blueheron were talking about in another thread. Sort of idk not fighting it. And I easily fell asleep. I was shocked when I woke up like "Man, just like that I feel asleep with a clear mind?".

And I'm glad to hear that strategy worked! I've been trying it more deliberately today (still dealing with some urges/thoughts). Instead of getting caught up in the thoughts, I just notice them, focus on how it feels, and let it go by. It always does, but it seems too easy to work sometimes so I forget to do it. Thanks for the great reminder from your own experience now that it really does work!

Keep on keepin' on!

kadeshzelbriel

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 52
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #485 on: December 01, 2019, 12:45:46 AM »
I ALSO FEEL LIKE MY JOURNEY AROUND PMO HAS BEEN HUGELY RELATED TO MY CONFLICT AVOIDANT / PEOPLE PLEASING TENDENCIES! something feels really profoud about this connection for me right now but i don't know what it is. crazy.

quitforeverthenwin2

  • Member

  • Online
  • ***

  • 194
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #486 on: December 01, 2019, 09:48:22 PM »
Man glad to hear you guys can relate! Hope to continue the discussion tomorrow. Just I am mentally beat. In a good way I think though.

Decent day. Some urges/ desparation for girls for a bit a few hours ago. I felt "desparate" to meet a girl, but really that is just the start of an urge.

Doing pretty well, good studying today but my brain is literally tired lol

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1167
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #487 on: December 02, 2019, 09:14:43 PM »
I felt "desparate" to meet a girl, but really that is just the start of an urge.

Really good catch! This is a tricky one that has caught me many times in the past.

Anyway, get some rest! It's good that you're doing well, and it's awesome that you posted, just to keep the habit alive. Looking forward to catching up more later!

quitforeverthenwin2

  • Member

  • Online
  • ***

  • 194
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #488 on: December 02, 2019, 10:04:51 PM »
Thanks man! Appreciate the perspective, yeah it's been tough getting my novel posts in at the moment lol. But just keeping the habit alive good then can catch up more later.

Decent bit of pmo fetish thoughts popping into head, mild but I should acknowledge them. Also sometimes feeling less motivated about the reboot, I read Bearish's awesome success story he talked a lot about having a strong why, I think I could use some reminding of mine and put in some extra personal development/ motivation work soon.

Last night and this am did fantasize about girls ( But NOT pmo fetish- which is key) but again gotta be careful.

Hmm another urge thought like "Maybe tinder is okay to get some dates"---> That is an early urge thought! All of the related bundle of thoughts of desperation.

A real key though, that's funny. Is I am not really focused on dating now it's not in my mind or plans at the moment. But then I get these random thoughts like "I need a date/sex now" but totally like not grounded in reality. So that TOTALLY shows me it is just an urge. Gotta watch out for this sneaky shit.......


Did my 4 hours study, it was tough and feeling mildly discouraged like "omg I'd do THIS as a job?" but really it is a great option for a job and I must remind myself, this focus and mental riqour is tough NOW, but it will become easier. Simple as that, it's not like very day gets harder. Maybe for a few weeks/months as the initial excitment of something new wanes, but eventually my focus and brain will get stronger and it'll feel easier.

(Hey! that's a nice motivator to keep clean!). I almost forogt that one, the stronger brain with increased focus.

quitforeverthenwin2

  • Member

  • Online
  • ***

  • 194
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #489 on: December 02, 2019, 10:49:49 PM »
Woah, some very dangerous thoughts/ urges popped up.

Was peacefully falling asleep then thought "Oh yeah I really love my pmo fetish, that's just what I am into".
"I should just relapse"
"relapse would be great"

Also feeling a bit sad/ what's the point feeling.

First of all: Man, that first thought. Has led to sooooo many relapses. When has thinking that way led to ANYTHING good? ....?
Even when I was dating a girl who was into some pmo fetishes of mine that we acted on, geuss what happened. MY DICK PROGRESSIVELY STOPPED WORKING. I also didn't enjoy the fetishes nearly as much as I expected. I'd want to do them, not want to in the middle, then desparately want to do them again. It was total craziness, addictive compulsive nonsense. Very little pleasure and no happiness.

Pretty soon, I'll be dating again. And won't it be damn nice to have a WORKING DICK?

Also would relapsing be nice? FUCK NO! I had some challening situations recently and have been very happy that I keep handling them better. I am getting calmer, stronger more confident. Relapse throws that shit out the window!

It goes without saying that is not "great"! That is AWFUL. I have been not having many strong urges, which has me a little spoiled. So gotta re toughen up a bit and remember how to handle them. And crush them. This urge already feels way weaker, but man I gotta stay vigilant.

Well this is good, a wake up call.

1) Put some time into reading the smart book/ working on exercises. I gotta sharpen the sword. Remind my mind of what is important, build that motivation for. (Proactively- Spend at least a few days working on this).
2) I do think I should put a little effort into dating. I can't bring a girl home now (living with family, no room even) but when done HEALTHILY (not in desparate/triggered mode) meeting/ talking to women is great for my recovery and an extra motivator.
I could go on a few dates, that's a nice skill/confidence boost. Plus who knows, women have their own places too..... Could be nice to have some sex soon. It's been AWHILE. I'd like to rewire a bit, to be honest. Before having sex with my future serious girlfriend/wife.



Note: I think something contributing to the urges could be:
I stopped that diet I was on and have basically been skipping meals trying not to eat for periods to lost weight. This is dumb. I have heard about "intermittent fasting" and stuff but when I have done it got sick all the time, felt like shit and it led to RELAPSES. No real justifiable reason for me doing it now. I think that's big part why I am more tired and seems to be highly correlated for the days with these strong urges.
Message received. No more of that shit. I'd like to lose a few more pounds but that is the WORST way to do it and recovery comes first. Priorities. Just ate an orange already feel better.

NO MORE skipping eating. (just to say it again). Guys I think I need to start posting a bit when I get ideas to not eat. It's like a self sabotaging habit. I know it fucks me up and I make the conscious decision to do it.
« Last Edit: December 02, 2019, 10:56:58 PM by quitforeverthenwin2 »

quitforeverthenwin2

  • Member

  • Online
  • ***

  • 194
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #490 on: December 03, 2019, 09:59:21 AM »
Well glad I posted, after posting I journaled a bit. (Just accepted that I was not ready to sleep yet.... trying to fall asleep mid urge was a BIG problem in the past). I enjoyed the journaling, haven't done that in quite awhile. Realized that basically I wasn't ready to fall asleep, I felt bored/craving excitement. I think that may contribute to urges/ the addiction a bit too. So it's good to find a healthy outlet.

I went for a walk and listened to some music, then stopped in a bar for a bit and played games there (they had the basic stuff like skeeball etc). Got to sleep later then planed and woke up later too but that is FINE.

Still thinking about girls a lot, but avoided falling into pmo fetish fantasies, it was cool that after doing all that, I had a brief fetish thought pop into my head and automatically thought "What is that? Why would I like that?". So that is AWESOME. I can look forward to that being how I react nearly all of the time in the future.


Lessons:
1) Urges, not the end of the world. I had an urge and didn't sleep as early as planned. I actually ended up having fun. Got some stuff done etc. So when can't sleep, just go do something.
2) Like the last few lines above mentioned. Look forward to when as the pmo bs becomes less and less appealing.

squid

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 462
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #491 on: December 03, 2019, 10:20:19 AM »
Good lessons dude, keep up the good work!

Rebooter2019

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 294
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #492 on: December 03, 2019, 12:28:20 PM »
Yep it's called learn to live with urges and cravings! Once you learn to live with them and not giving in, it become so much easier!! Because they will always be there every now and again. Just not as strong and/or as often as it use to be!

You're doing great in your Recovery. Keep at it and stay strong, my friend!!

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1167
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #493 on: December 03, 2019, 06:37:59 PM »
Woah, some very dangerous thoughts/ urges popped up.

Was peacefully falling asleep then thought "Oh yeah I really love my pmo fetish, that's just what I am into".
"I should just relapse"
"relapse would be great"

Also feeling a bit sad/ what's the point feeling.

Man, this is more or less where I have been for the last week or so. It's weird, it's like at this point my brain is forgetting all the bad things that came with PMO, and it's like, "Hey, do you remember PMO? We haven't seen them in such a long time. We had a good thing going there for a while. Wanna see what they're up to?"

Then I say something like, "No, remember how they treated us badly all the time?"

And then my brain will say something like, "Okay, but you feel terrible right now anyway, so your new thing must not really be working out. Let's just go see what PMO is doing right now."

And then I just say "NO NO NO NO NO" Or something like that.

It's a weird place to be because it's not really the kind of emergency urges that I felt early on, but it's more of a nostalgic thing, like a part of me wants to relapse, doesn't have to relapse but wants to. Instead of demanding a fix, my addicted brain is just sort of persistently and politely requesting one. It kind of catches me off guard because that's not the approach I'm used to, so it gets a little trickier to realize that those thoughts are the addiction talking and not me.

The last couple of days have been a lot better than last week, but the same kind of thing is still there in the background. Brains are weird, and addicted brains are weirder.

I guess all I'm saying is that I know where you're coming from, and it will pass (it always does). Definitely a good idea to remind yourself of your "why" and to keep pressing forward, keeping yourself healthy in every aspect of life.

We've got this!

quitforeverthenwin2

  • Member

  • Online
  • ***

  • 194
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #494 on: December 03, 2019, 10:42:02 PM »
Thanks man! Well, glad to know I am in good company with these feelings. More of the same tonight.

Perhaps a bit stronger. Just was thinking about not staying clean a moment ago...
Luckily caught myself. Good stuff is around the corner.

Man, I bet I'll be on some awesome dates before the year is done and have a girl I am dating by mid-spring. That'll be nice.

quitforeverthenwin2

  • Member

  • Online
  • ***

  • 194
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #495 on: December 04, 2019, 05:19:46 PM »
Very nice day so far. Saw a friend had a great workout. Was a bit easier on self today but in a healthy way. Doing healthy activities.

Had a lil random urge pop up just now, not really j urge just an image of CRAZY pmo fetish thing. But all good. I am in a pretty good spot today.

Edit: Almost forgot. I was totally free of fantasy last night and woke up with good morning wood! Was awesome there is like an almost perfect coorelation between not fantasiZing about sex at all and morning wood....
« Last Edit: December 04, 2019, 05:23:48 PM by quitforeverthenwin2 »

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1167
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #496 on: December 04, 2019, 10:28:25 PM »
Thanks man! Well, glad to know I am in good company with these feelings. More of the same tonight.

Perhaps a bit stronger. Just was thinking about not staying clean a moment ago...
Luckily caught myself. Good stuff is around the corner.

Man, I bet I'll be on some awesome dates before the year is done and have a girl I am dating by mid-spring. That'll be nice.

I love this: good stuff is around the corner. It has to be! We're taking charge of our lives and becoming better people. There's no way good stuff isn't coming our way, even if we have to deal with these annoying urges. Part of me wonders if our addictions know they're losing now, and they're just trying to hold on before they're done for.

Glad today was better and free from the same kind of fantasies/urges! That's a gift for sure, and here's hoping for more days like that for both of us!

Non-Dual Adventurer

  • Member

  • Online
  • ***

  • 235
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #497 on: December 05, 2019, 03:19:49 PM »
Hey man, I can totally relate to those feelings of feeling like a relapse might be great right now. After that wisdom-onslaught on my journal which you were a part of, I've been looking at it differently now. It's definitely a passing thing, and if thoughts come, that's okay, we don't actually need to act on them but it's hard because we want to ignore them but we also don't because we feel down and need a pick-me-up. P has always been our pick-me-up, but it can't be anymore. I guess until we get more balanced, these things will crop up from time to time. Main thing is to keep up with the self-love and avoid any scenarios which would facilitate relapse. I had a relatively close shave today because of thoughts of peeking but thanks to you and others, I read back through what people had said on my journal and my motivated responses and regained motivation and resolve.

Keep up the good fight, mate, you're doing great and your insights are spot on!

wecandoit

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 54
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #498 on: December 05, 2019, 04:12:44 PM »
Hey man, I can totally relate to those feelings of feeling like a relapse might be great right now. After that wisdom-onslaught on my journal which you were a part of, I've been looking at it differently now. It's definitely a passing thing, and if thoughts come, that's okay, we don't actually need to act on them but it's hard because we want to ignore them but we also don't because we feel down and need a pick-me-up. P has always been our pick-me-up, but it can't be anymore. I guess until we get more balanced, these things will crop up from time to time. Main thing is to keep up with the self-love and avoid any scenarios which would facilitate relapse. I had a relatively close shave today because of thoughts of peeking but thanks to you and others, I read back through what people had said on my journal and my motivated responses and regained motivation and resolve.

Keep up the good fight, mate, you're doing great and your insights are spot on!

Yeah, man, this was definitely my problem. What I used to numb with porn came back to hit me in the head. I felt like it was just a matter of time until a relapse. Okay, maybe I could've gone on but I got depressed in the evening going to work and it was very tough to handle. I came home in the morning, woke up after 4 hours with crazy craving for porn. It's fucking hard. Maybe I could've continued without the night shifts at work. It's one thing to get depressed in the evening at home and another to get depressed, go to work, function subpar and stuff like that. It bothers me even more.

quitforeverthenwin2

  • Member

  • Online
  • ***

  • 194
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #499 on: December 05, 2019, 06:48:07 PM »
Thanks so much for the support everyone! Kind of a tough day with some
urges but great reminders from you all. I can have those feelings and let then pass.... good things are around the corner and urges are bad but acting on them is worse!

Regardless of feeling, good things are around the corner! Met a nice girl the other day looks like a date is likely to happen soon. Looking into a job thing tomorrow and have a few possible
Job leads. All this good shit can happen soon. Just gotta stay clean for it!

Tonight going to do some writing, plan remotivate myself,  as late night is my only time I can be alone really.