Author Topic: My journal to recovery- Could use support  (Read 9788 times)

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #400 on: November 09, 2019, 07:56:35 AM »
Thanks so much bro! Really appreciate the support and encouragement! Yeah it was very rewarding, those early wins are so key. Being aware early on.


So, last night and this am, thinking about girl's I've met and stuff. What I do is I fantasize the girl is there with me, think sexual thoughts etc. There is a line I have not allowed it to cross. BUT, it's not the best habit and can, actually if left totally unchecked WILL get dangerous. Glad I had kept the commitment the previous two days (where I wrote it and planned it) but it was tough.

I notice, I have been attempting to think mentally about what went well during the day as I fall asleep, very simply this is NOT working as a replacement behavior. It simply doesn't work, it does not keep my attention, as much as it's good in theory.

So I need to try something else. For the first two days of aiming to control my thoughts before bed, I was visualizing what I wanted in the future, that worked better.

Speaking of Audio books, perhaps that could be even better as a solution for now, listening to audio books as I fall asleep.

I'll test that soon. My only problem with it, is audio books are on my phone, I'd rather not have to look at my screen too late at night.

Another thing, moving backward further in time (which is often important). It seems to be a help to do a bunch of reading outside of my bed to get myself prepped for sleep first. So perhaps I'll do that tonight .

Also very open to suggestion? Anyone deal with a similar issue? Or to generalize it. Any of you have some good presleep routines? Like the very last few minutes before falling asleep? Strategies for replacing fantasy with something else while tired? Open to all insights and suggestions.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #401 on: November 09, 2019, 08:20:11 PM »
The book is actually about having an awesome marriage. I know it's kind of early ( I am single lol) But I think it's actually awesome. I figure guys spend so much time (ESPECIALLY me) planning and learning how to get girls, years of it. I ought to spend years prepping and planning to have an awesome relationship/ marriage/ family culture. Trying to work on setting that shit up now, as it may take years for me to be ready. Love that book a lot of ideas that I thought would be good, repeated by a dude who had an incredible marriage (they were known for loving the heck out of each other and were married when they were like 20 till he died at 86 or so).

This is really cool. What's the name of the book? I think you have exactly the right attitude, like the joke about the dog who always chases cars but doesn't know what he'll do when he catches one. Thinking about the actual relationship/marriage is a great way to think about it. I know, for me, that's one of the things that I have wanted the most and for the longest. Who knows when the day will come, but if you've got a good book to help me prepare for it, I'd be interested.

Also very open to suggestion? Anyone deal with a similar issue? Or to generalize it. Any of you have some good presleep routines? Like the very last few minutes before falling asleep? Strategies for replacing fantasy with something else while tired? Open to all insights and suggestions.

In the last little while, I have developed a routine that has been pretty good for me. I post here, plan the next day (to-dos and schedule), write in my journal, brush my teeth, meditate, turn off all screens, read for 30-60 minutes, and then go to bed. I feel like it has done a lot to help me go to sleep more easily (and quickly). One thing it definitely does is help me to settle down from the business of the day and slow down my thoughts and feelings into a more restful state.

Man, you're doing great and your good insights and positive attitude are inspiring to me. My recovery is a better experience because you're a part of it. Keep being awesome and sharing it with us here!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #402 on: November 09, 2019, 08:33:31 PM »
Thanks bro!

The book/ audio program is called "courtship after marriage". It may be an audio program I guess. I have the audio version which is awesome. Zig Ziglar was like the original legit for real motivational speaker, so it' really good. Then his son talks about his and other people's marriages too. I got it for free via the library, so hopefully yours has it, in one form or the other. Zig Ziglar is the man. So different then some more recent self-help stuff, thats a bit well... selfish and sometimes entitled. To sum his mindset up in a nutshell his catchphrase is "You can get anything in life you want.... if you'll just help enough other people get what they want".

He also back in the freaking 70s was constantly bringing up how dangerous pornography is. Dude was a genius, spoke eternal truths imo.

I think listening to more of his stuff (as I have done in the past) is a great replacement for other forms of stimulation. He was a huge believer in "automobile university", said listen to good stuff while you drive. Also said: Is motivation permanent? No! But is showering permanent? No. Does that mean don't shower? Of course not. Similarly you should find ways to top up your motivation everyday. Man I love that guy. Glad you asked about it, really has me motivated to expose myself to his stuff more habitually. He laid out the blueprint: Career. Great Marriage, family life, friends. It was all about balance and being a good citizen. He always said, his kids and family came first.

Thanks for sharing the routine man! That sounds like awesome, like an idea routine if I could get to that point. Really cool to see you are doing something like that, because that is like ideally what I'd like to do, more or less. Planning the next day out and journaling followed by reading man that's awesome. 

And thanks so much for the compliment man! You are of course a ridiculously good source of motivation and positivity! You are basically the gold standard of that on the forum

Edit: Oh yeah update on day. Feel pretty good, uneventful. I almost forgot to mention my day, which is a good thing imo. No challenges really. I do notice I need to build cases against people in my head less if that makes sense..... Like a coworker said something that annoyed me and in my head for like 15 min I am thinking about how he's the worst, he's not good at his job I never liked him. Then working with him the rest of the day, I realized he's pretty okay and nice. That's a bad habit I have. I'd like to somehow learn the art of being a little annoyed at people, rather then it being so extreme. (People being great or evil type of deal, in my mind)
« Last Edit: November 09, 2019, 08:40:11 PM by quitforeverthenwin2 »

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #403 on: November 10, 2019, 10:34:39 AM »
Still pretty happy with my progress.

Just going to do that commitment that is nice once in awhile. No more fantasy about girls sexually or at all while in bed today and tomorrow morning.

Slept like 12 hours last night, I guess I needed it. Just fell right asleep really early. Can't remember the last time I slept that much.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #404 on: November 10, 2019, 08:20:21 PM »
Thanks for the title and recommendation! I'm definitely going to look into that: it sounds like a great model for life.

Glad it was a pretty good day, too! I kind of know the feeling of getting overly annoyed at people. Something else we can work on, I guess (it's amazing how recovery just peels back the layers and reveals more and more about us that we want to work on).

12 hours of sleep! That sounds pretty awesome. I have not had good sleep the last couple nights. I don't think I'm going to get 12 hours, but I am going to try to get to bed earlier than usual.

Have a great start of the week!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #405 on: November 10, 2019, 10:28:57 PM »
Thanks! Ended up actually seeing that girl again, after she cancelled I purposefully did not invest much and waited a day to contact her. We mostly walked around, went to the beach. I was a little more aggressive then I'd like to be.

She's a pretty girl, but it's hot here where I live and straight up this girl needed deodorant ewwww lol. Not my thing, she was wearing a tang top and I could straight up smell her armpits.

I am moving soon, but I guess going on a mediocre date, when I had nothing else to do didn't hurt me. I have occasionally not dated for awhile then gone on a date with an awesome girl and totally fucked it up. So these occasional low pressure dates are good..... make the dumb mistakes that are inevitable after long breaks from dating, in low pressure situation and be smoother, more patient with the girl that are real prospects.


quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #406 on: November 10, 2019, 11:22:17 PM »
WOW. Strange kind of alarming experience.

So, I am getting ready for bed. I had a brief flash of a pmo fetish then thought "maybe I can relapse, it's not a big deal it's just one". I was already planning like to post here about the lapse the next day.

I was like oh shoot! Rather then doing that tonight and posting about it tomorrow let me post about that thought NOW, before that bs, instead. I opened up this post and..... you see where it says WOW. That first line. I opened up to write the post and unconsciously instantly, not even looking at my screen I typed the words "I just had a lapse." I backspaced them and wrote WOW. Hmmm that's a little alarming.

Well let me remind myself. That shit is UP TO ME. I am not the superstitious type, I wrote that as it was a thought going through my head and I did the right thing by acknowledging it and posting here.

I may though, possibly give up the no internet this week commitment. I am having a tough time not fantasizing about girls in bed, finding a replacement behaviour for that. I kind of want to watch a few videos on my phone... ugghhh this is a bit annoying.

Oh well, I can make at least one commitment, weird ominous feeling things I wrote or not....... I'll get through tonight. I don't think it's necessary but let me make the decision now. I'll stay up all night and take a ritalin if I have to. After writing that sentence decided to take a half one as a little extra help. Drugs before pmo lol.

The ritalin has all sorts of side effects it seems and doesn't do a ton for my performance overall lately, but man that shit is helpful for this reboot. It just lowers urges a bit, but that little bit can make all the difference. Thinking I'll just perhaps keep the stuff on hand as a just in case/ back up plan. It also doesn't usually make me feel good, which I think is good, not really me escaping feelings it just somehow lowers the urges, they just pop up weaker. I think it just makes any thoughts other then what I am focused on weaker.

Oh well. See you all tomorrow.
« Last Edit: November 10, 2019, 11:25:19 PM by quitforeverthenwin2 »

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #407 on: November 11, 2019, 08:23:18 AM »
 :D Commitment from earlier kept. Woke up feeling pretty tired but oh well, did what I needed to. Have a good bit to do today, in terms of cleaning and packing. Suppose I'll just listen to a bunch of audio books and work on it for a large portion of the morning/ early afternoon.

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #408 on: November 11, 2019, 12:53:35 PM »
Little update: Watching some youtube and stuff. Just want to keep myself honest. I made a pretty concious decision to do so, was finding it a bit tough not using internet at all and avoiding thoughts of girls/ fantasy.

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #409 on: November 11, 2019, 06:38:17 PM »
Still clean, but this was a lost day. Did very little, overate.

I read this book that intermittent fasting is good, tried it yesterday. I have done that for months even, that shit DOES NOT work for me. Does not work with my metabolism. It just threw me off today, woke up super hungry and barely able to function and the day started wrong and that was that.

Was upset like now I am going to go off rails. No, today is one day (missing meditation etc.) tomorrow is a new one and it'll be awesome.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #410 on: November 11, 2019, 09:39:48 PM »
I was like oh shoot! Rather then doing that tonight and posting about it tomorrow let me post about that thought NOW, before that bs, instead. I opened up this post and..... you see where it says WOW. That first line. I opened up to write the post and unconsciously instantly, not even looking at my screen I typed the words "I just had a lapse." I backspaced them and wrote WOW. Hmmm that's a little alarming.

Well let me remind myself. That shit is UP TO ME. I am not the superstitious type, I wrote that as it was a thought going through my head and I did the right thing by acknowledging it and posting here.

Sounds like a scary experience, but your response sounds pretty spot on! I have had those relapse-oriented thoughts before, and the thought of what I would post here after has helped steer me in a better direction a couple of times. You're one step ahead, actually posting in advance to put those feelings away.

And you're exactly right, it is totally up to you. It often feels like relapses just take control, but it's always up to us. If it weren't, none of our recovery efforts would matter. It would just depend on whenever the addiction was done with us (which is not how it works). We're always in the driver seat, but it takes a lot to realize that and live like that consistently.

Sounds like you're still on track in good ways. Even if you sort of lost the day to less than ideal behaviors, you stayed clean, and you can always get right back to it tomorrow.

Keep it going!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #411 on: November 12, 2019, 10:31:41 AM »
Thanks bro!

Today, nothing super eventful, staying off t, the internet. I am moving and my apartment is a mess, a little overwhelmed about it. I know it's kind of procrastinating but I have had way too much free time, thinking off taking my own advice and finding some random fun activity to do, something exciting. Maybe can plan it, clean a bit do the activity as a reward after, type of deal.

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #412 on: November 12, 2019, 12:31:38 PM »
Got a little strongish urge out of nowhere, brief but what a crazy thought it was! Actually it did not come out of nowhere..... So I decided I need some help with organizing my apartment so thought to hire someone. Looking on craigslist and posted an ad. I think that reminds me of old websites that I used to browse..... and brought up all these addictivey thoughts.

Glad I wrote about it, it so obviously came from somewhere. Gotta be careful of all the little urges and stuff, but in a way glad to be aware of it and get through it.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #413 on: November 12, 2019, 06:55:35 PM »
Those urges that come out of nowhere usually (probably always) do come from somewhere, and I bet you're right about where that urge came from.

Moving (and all the organizing and cleaning that go with it) is one of the worst things! My condolences, lol. Hopefully you get some good help and get things set up. The process of moving is bad, but the end result is usually pretty good. Excited for you!

Keep moving forward with your eyes wide open, just like you're doing. Stay in touch with yourself and take appropriate actions as needed, and you'll keep going far!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #414 on: November 12, 2019, 10:14:20 PM »
Not too productive today but the end of the day had some work to do, man it felt good to HAVE to work.

So I am moving cities, I used to post here how I am in my dream city etc. now moving back to home city : /. Part of me felt like it was a mistake leaving my old city, things were going well. Here, almost no friends career hasn't been the same, miss people and stuff. But bummed about leaving this place. At the end of the day, no matter where I am it's mostly going to come down to me living right. Gotta figure out the career too and in the old city ( the biggest in the damn country, so you can guess which lol) so much opportunity, so that'll be cool.

Edit: I do have to admit, in this new city as beautiful and nice weather as it is. It's 90% vacationers, tough to have relationships/ build a real life. I moved backward in every major category, money, career, friends. In old city, had a steady job, friends even have a dating prospect who lives there. Had a few hobbies I couldn't do here.

Yeah, it's the right choice going back, didn't know what I had till it's gone. Bummed about leaving, but my life isn't progressing here, it's been like a super long vacation. Zig Ziglar "Happiness isn't pleasure, happiness is victory". I gotta get back to progressing in life. Then get mad rich and can come here in the winters or when I want a break lol
« Last Edit: November 12, 2019, 10:18:23 PM by quitforeverthenwin2 »

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #415 on: November 13, 2019, 09:48:06 AM »
Good morning. Not much new, kind of slept in. Been ummm, fantasizing a lot about sexual things. I'd like to lower that. I guess it's like we were talking about in another thread, up and down's of recovery. Well, overall things still going good, but I've had periods where it's like I am just not even thinking about girls are sex, not interested and that feels AWESOME.

Okay, I'll aim to cut out fantasy for the rest of today, tonight and tomorrow AM. Internet too.

I have not committed to it yet, but will likely make the same commitment tomorrow.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #416 on: November 13, 2019, 06:53:32 PM »
Solid reflection on your move back. It does sound like the right move. I can't remember where I heard it or if this even the right quote, but I remember hearing something like, "How you live matters way more than where you live." And I think you hit on that. Living well in your old city is way better in the end than living poorly in your dream city. Get the patterns of your life right, and then you can move them anywhere in the world and be successful.

Definitely put a stop to that fantasizing! It's easy to fall into, and I bet move stress is contributing. You don't need me to tell you, but those fantasies aren't doing you any favors.

Keep moving forward (even if it literally means moving back for now)!

the zen master

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #417 on: November 13, 2019, 09:47:28 PM »
We can do this, go for it mate.

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #418 on: November 13, 2019, 11:48:23 PM »
REALLY appreciate that reminder to stop the fantasy. Saying and writing it myself is one thing, but reading/hearing it from someone else is really really good too.

Yup. Gotta look at the bright side, it is a great city. I am also thinking of really changing my life up a bit, changing the career path so that could be good.

Thanks Zen Master! Really appreciate the encouragement, and I'll keep it up!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #419 on: November 14, 2019, 10:06:57 AM »
Well, successfully cut out the fantasy as outlined in the commitment. Feels good and encouraging! Had pretty good morning wood this morning which I definitely take as a good sign. ( I notice it more when cutting out the fantasy, and less or not at all when fantasizing a lot- couldn't ask for a much clearer message about what's best for my reboot!).

Will renew the commitment for today. No fantasy about sex/girls in bed and try not to think about girls too much either. Bad the main commitment: Don't fantasize about girls in my bed tonight, nor tomorrow morning or at all.


Last full day here. I can't believe it! I want to enjoy it a bit, but more importantly.... I need to get myself excited about the future..... what good awaits me in the new city? Family, more people live there, cool activities, etc. That's crucial I think to feel good about the transition...
« Last Edit: November 14, 2019, 10:08:37 AM by quitforeverthenwin2 »

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #420 on: November 14, 2019, 03:06:50 PM »
Had some urges pop up a bit. Around this girl some thoughts popped into my head, glad that I was able to control them, remember my commitment. Keep moving forward!

REMINDER: It will pass! I just gave this advice to others. My brain is thinking "wow I am horny!" But really this feeling will pass. An hour for now I could be in a flatline. (Very welcome, I actually love flatlines sometimes, easy progress)

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #421 on: November 15, 2019, 12:21:12 AM »
Some sexual thoughts popped into my head, but nothing too serious. Bed soon, feeling pretty good.

Will miss this city (last night!). But it's the right choice to leave. Have some fun planned for tomorrow and this time 24 hours from now I'll be in a totally new city over 1,000 miles away with a totally different climate!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #422 on: November 15, 2019, 08:18:25 PM »
Sounds like a lot has been happening. It's great that you're sticking to setting fantasy aside. It's the right thing to do, and it's great to remember that all the fantasies/urges/etc. will pass. It definitely feels like urges just get worse and worse until you break, but that's just a trick they have to make us relapse. They do pass, and we can get right back to living life once they do.

Good luck with the move! I'm sure there are a lot of mixed feelings, but it's good that you're feeling good about it overall. Get yourself on a strong foundation, and the rest will follow.

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #423 on: November 15, 2019, 09:43:32 PM »
Thanks Man!

Messed up with fantasizing a bit, but did not cross into fetish.

I am now across the country! Feeling good about the move. With family now so just a brief check in. Still clean, ready to get my life moving again and planning for future

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #424 on: November 16, 2019, 07:30:26 AM »
Last night into this morning, totally solid which was awesome (no thoughts of girls or fantasy at all, slept really well. Woke up feeling better and more "awake" then in the last few weeks.