Author Topic: My journal to recovery- Could use support  (Read 7137 times)

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #375 on: October 20, 2019, 09:04:26 PM »
Once not posting for awhile it's odd how I'll keep putting it off. My computer is having major issues right now so just want to get back on here, first post is the toughest.

Some major life changes I am making soon, which I think'll be good.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #376 on: October 21, 2019, 09:15:43 PM »
I know the feeling. I used to be really good about writing in my own personal journal, but then I missed a few days that turned into a month or two and it has been really hard to get back into the habit.

It all starts with a first step (even if it's a first step back after a while). Congratulations for taking it and for making some plans for further positive changes! Keep it going!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #377 on: October 22, 2019, 06:34:35 AM »
Thanks man! Always appreciate your continued support


Doing fairly well. Making a few small changes.

- Bought stuff to make smoothies. (To eat more vitamins)
- Have a bit of a super simple evening routine, that I enjoy.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #378 on: October 22, 2019, 07:11:05 PM »
You're welcome! I appreciate yours too!

I am all for simple evening routines. I have started to develop one of putting away screens and just sitting in my room and reading with one lamp turned on. Sometimes I'm out late or can't get away from screens at night, so I can't always do the routine the way I want. But I feel like I sleep better when it works out, and I'm convinced that good sleep is an important part of recovery.

Small changes and healthy habits are the stuff recovery is made of! Keep it going!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #379 on: October 25, 2019, 09:34:36 AM »
For sure man! I really appreciate your perspective... even just in the attitude of like "I can't always do it". I have the tendency to be all or nothing. Like I must do a given routine everyday and if I don't do it for a day, I basically give it up.

I didn't do the routine perfectly yesterday but  have plans to do it today!

Mine, is similar. Luckily in my current building there is a library type of room. Almost no one uses it. So I read in there before bed. Then to sleep aiming to think about what went well in the day, that routine excites me hopefully making it a habit to think before bed about what went well, and what I am grateful for.


Focusing more on eating healthy. I have consistently been focused on me diet, but often in a way that is more about performance in sports and body composition, eating a lot of protein eating less carbs etc. But neglecting thinking about actual health. Eating veggies etc. Been having a simple smoothie with quality orange juice, spinach, carrots and a tiny bit of cucumber and celery  and taking fish oil the last few days, I think I feel a difference, the smoothie seems to give a nearly immediate mood boost.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #380 on: October 26, 2019, 09:27:08 AM »
Feeling pretty good.

So, here's where I am at basically.

I ended up being prescribed ADHD medicine.  The doctor wanted to give me this long acting stuff, but I asked for something weaker. I got a pretty low dose and it was still pretty strong and made me emotional. I stopped then started taking half a pill. So I am taking a dose of it that is usually considered too low for young children (although I am in the camp that no way young kids should be given this stuff).

Anyways, I have been doing this for like a week or so and I have to admit.... life seems easier overall. I don't really feel much of an effect   of it, I felt no urges for awhile, then had some the last few days, but they are much weaker, it seems.

At my new job (you guys notice a pattern that I constantly have new jobs?) I am doing very well. I am worrying less. Basically every problem I have seems to be milder then it was before.

Part of me doesn't want to take medicine and I am worried that I'll "get addicted to it". Then I think like "oh maybe it's just because of the pmo addiction when I reboot I'll be better" etc. But I am not sure if that's the case. I see minimal negative effects, really it's just kind of like it feels too easy. I have come up with so many routines and practices working at them for months at a time and usually wasn't able to get quite the results like this.

I was in the "ADHD is bullshit camp" forever (always knew I'd be diagnosed with it if I described how I am but thought screw that bs) but perhaps it's real. I massively under performed in school, partially because sitting down for hours was literally painful. Plus honestly my sexual problems started before porn.....

I used to masturbate over and over until it started to hurt when I was a kid before I had any idea what porn was. Always had binge eating problems etc. Get addicted to anything. So perhaps in my case there has been an underlying issue.

The meds seem to:
Pro:
Give me less desire to do bad things. (surf the internet, pmo etc.)
Lower my cravings and obsession with girls
Make organization 100x easier
Make me feel calmer
Not getting super strong emotions where I sort of fly of the handle
Did yoga on them yesterday and my focus was crazy I really loved yoga (which sometimes I would get antsy and hate)
Have me feeling calmer
Are not so strong that I feel very "different" (except when focusing on a task, then I am like a machine sometimes... time flys
I am a bit less jumpy


Cons
It is short acting ( I wanted the weakest stuff, the long acting stuff is strong), so I think I feel a bit tired when it wears off
I have to take it a few times a day.
I am worried, what if I need more and more, what if I get addicted?
Mentally I just kind of feel like "If I accomplish things on meds, or people like me it doesn't count" it's cheating or not really me or something.
The last few days I think "I don't want to take it" then wait a for hours and take it.
I worry that I can't do things without it.

Open to thoughts/ feedback

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #381 on: October 26, 2019, 07:23:53 PM »
Hey, man, sounds like things are going pretty well! I think putting a bigger focus on just eating healthy (instead of achieving some performance goal) is a good way to go. If you are eating a healthy, balanced diet, you'll get where you need to be.

As for the medication, I am definitely not a qualified person to say much about it, but I will say that I don't think there's anything wrong with taking medicine to improve your quality of life, whether that's physical health or mental health. And I understand your worry about addiction, but (again, not an expert) I don't know if that's a risk in this case. Addiction is a cycle of exploiting brain chemistry for pleasure in order to cope with trauma, and it leads to craving that overrides judgment, which leads to bad decisions that harm your quality of life. I guess what I'm saying is that I take allergy medicine almost every day because I'm not at my best if I don't. It's not addictive: I never crave it, and my desire to have it never gets in the way of living my life. It's just a medicine that makes it easier for me to breathe during the day and not sneeze as much. Is ADHD medicine any different? If it helps regulate the system, there's no shame in that. And if it's not actually habit-forming, there's no risk of addiction. Sometimes people just have to take medicine, whether it's for allergies or ADHD.

Just my two cents (or maybe less). It sounds like you're doing pretty well and like the medicine is helping, even at a really low dose. That all sounds like progress to me. Keep it going!


quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #382 on: October 31, 2019, 11:30:26 AM »
Hey, guys still me. Now with a two at the end of my name lol. Old computer broke I do not remember the password I had nor for the email I used to create my account.

Great way to look at it man! Thanks for the support and perspective. Things going pretty good on my end. Focusing more on doing good and living well rather then avoiding the bad is SO key.

Unfortunately ADHD meds are super habit forming and addictive, so one has to be careful. You guys know Adderal how it's always in the news for people being addicted to it? That's an ADHD medicine. I have 10 mg pills of ritalin and have been taking mostly half pills ( 5mg) which is what they usually start kids off at. Still, the come off has gotten worse and it seems to be boosting my focus less. ADHD meds are different from say, antidepressants. You don't take them and let them build up over time. They are basically like caffeine, you take it, it works and it wears off. Maybe a bit stays in your system after. They are stimulants just like caffeine but stronger and feel a bit different.

Anyways, basically for now I am thinking to just use them as works for me. The side effects have been not so good lately, and I seem to need more to feel the positives and have more negatives so going to take a few days off.

BUT, I am not going to be all or nothing. I think taking these meds was super super useful. I think I may need to just let my body get re sensitized to them for a few days.

So, these meds are clearly drugs. Like coming off of it, my head would get all hot and I was feeling slightly shaky and sometimes very very tired, but with all those bad feelings I wouldn't have any urges to pmo at all. Having small amounts of caffeine (Tea) a little while before it was going to wear off helped the come off a good amount.

So for now, a few days off of the meds. After that will probably use them a bit, and can be open to other medicine options in the future.

I am also putting a lot more into all those little healthy things. Yoga. COLD SHOWERS- Read about them in the YBOP book. Holy shit it's like magic. I do a 30 second cold shower, my body feels better and without fail I fail calm yet awake and happy. I imagine it is boosting dopamine (in a healthy way).

Taking the ritalin and reading the YBOP book has me thinking a lot more about brain/body chemistry, doing all these little things to keep mine healthy and even. Cold showers, drinking chamamile tea (really helps with inflammation). Taking b vitamins in am (focus/energy) and zinc and magnesium at night (sleep well). Really enjoying this focus on all the small things and just taking care of my body and myself, rather then just trying to get muscular or athletic or whatever. I beat up my body so long doing that feels really good to just totally focus on taking care of it.

Not keeping a day count by the way, all my longest periods I had an idea of roughly how long it'd been. But I just seem to do much much better without a day count. I like it, (for myself) just focusing on healthy habits not even thinking about the bs.


quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #383 on: October 31, 2019, 11:32:07 AM »
Hey, guys still me. Now with a two at the end of my name lol. Old computer broke I do not remember the password I had nor for the email I used to create my account.

Great way to look at it man! Thanks for the support and perspective. Things going pretty good on my end. Focusing more on doing good and living well rather then avoiding the bad is SO key.

Unfortunately ADHD meds are super habit forming and addictive, so one has to be careful. You guys know Adderal how it's always in the news for people being addicted to it? That's an ADHD medicine. I have 10 mg pills of ritalin and have been taking mostly half pills ( 5mg) which is what they usually start kids off at. Still, the come off has gotten worse and it seems to be boosting my focus less. ADHD meds are different from say, antidepressants. You don't take them and let them build up over time. They are basically like caffeine, you take it, it works and it wears off. Maybe a bit stays in your system after. They are stimulants just like caffeine but stronger and feel a bit different. (If you have ADHD tendencys caffeine/stimulants actually makes you calmer not like Tweek from south park lol)

Anyways, basically for now I am thinking to just use them as works for me. The side effects have been not so good lately, and I seem to need more to feel the positives and have more negatives so going to take a few days off.

BUT, I am not going to be all or nothing. I think taking these meds was super super useful. I think I may need to just let my body get re sensitized to them for a few days.

So, these meds are clearly drugs. Like coming off of it, my head would get all hot and I was feeling slightly shaky and sometimes very very tired, but with all those bad feelings I wouldn't have any urges to pmo at all. Having small amounts of caffeine (Tea) a little while before it was going to wear off helped the come off a good amount.

So for now, a few days off of the meds. After that will probably use them a bit, and can be open to other medicine options in the future.

I am also putting a lot more into all those little healthy things. Yoga. COLD SHOWERS- Read about them in the YBOP book. Holy shit it's like magic. I do a 30 second cold shower, my body feels better and without fail I fail calm yet awake and happy. I imagine it is boosting dopamine (in a healthy way).

Taking the ritalin and reading the YBOP book has me thinking a lot more about brain/body chemistry, doing all these little things to keep mine healthy and even. Cold showers, drinking chamamile tea (really helps with inflammation). Taking b vitamins in am (focus/energy) and zinc and magnesium at night (sleep well). Really enjoying this focus on all the small things and just taking care of my body and myself, rather then just trying to get muscular or athletic or whatever. I beat up my body so long doing that feels really good to just totally focus on taking care of it.

Not keeping a day count by the way, all my longest periods I had an idea of roughly how long it'd been. But I just seem to do much much better without a day count. I like it, (for myself) just focusing on healthy habits not even thinking about the bs.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #384 on: October 31, 2019, 08:56:09 PM »
Good stuff man! (Welcome back, lol)

You definitely know more about your medications than I do, and I think your plan sounds reasonable. You have to do what works and take care of yourself. I think I was thinking of antidepressants, but I didn't know that ADHD drugs work differently (it makes sense that they would, but I didn't think of it lol).

I think it's awesome that you're focusing on the little things to build a healthier life. The little things matter, probably more than the big things. When I moved my focus from big PMO relapses to the little triggers and urges, then I the big things have sort of taken care of themselves. Stick to the little stuff, and they'll set you up to deal with the big things much better. Plus, your putting your attention and effort into accomplishing good things instead of avoiding bad things, which will fill your life up with positivity.

Keep it up!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #385 on: November 01, 2019, 10:00:56 PM »
Lol yeah, I thought that too, I assumed all medications were like that. ADHD meds are strong stuff lol.

Man great point about the little things. That's what I have been doing lately and a huge difference. Doing all the little things, like you mentioned and the bigger problems just don't show up as often.

Big win yesterday. Where I am living now, there is a huge street party on Halloween. This is a party city, it's hard to describe how triggering this environment would be. Like the nonsense in the computer come to life. I FELT desperate to go, I felt like missing it would be the worst thing in the world, really cause the addicted part of me just wanted to look at all the triggers. But I knew what would happen. I'd get these desperate feelings, and get unbelievable urges. The best case scenario would be I'd get through that sort of urge by not sleeping for the entire night.

Instead I thought "What would going to this event get me in the long term? - Continued addiction. -Excruciating urges later. -Feeling lonely.

Not going= difficult but would lead to a hell of a sense of accomplishment, future relationship, continued progress and feeling better as I have been.

There was rationalization "I'll just go to the book store on that road and not look at anyone". But I made the right decision, don't step foot in that area other than the very edge of it to go to the movies..... I saw the joker movie as a reward to myself. (skip this trigger fest and enjoy a movie instead) not the most wholesome movie but certainly a distraction and  FAR FAR from triggering ( a crazy guy in makeup laughing like a maniac and killing people) luckily my PMO fetishes did not escalate that far; not very attractive to me lol

Felt damn good in the morning. Handled the problem early, just like "aww man I want to go" with a weak urge rather then rationalizing arrogance "I can handle it" just because I wanted to go and get dopamine hits. Which would have led to insane urges or worse

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #386 on: November 02, 2019, 06:47:21 PM »
Wow, that really is a big win!

Going to see all the triggers would probably be easy to justify in a lot of ways, you're just going to bookstore, it doesn't count because it's "real," etc. But you did a great job of talking yourself down, changing plans, and doing something that was totally different and even pleasant (because it's important to make good choices a reward in some way).

One time, I heard someone say something along the lines of, "If you think it will never happen to you, it probably will. If you think it might, it probably won't." He wasn't talking about triggers and relapse, but I think it applies to this situation too. Way to keep yourself grounded and not try to think you could handle it. The moment we think we're immune is the moment we're done.

Keep up the great work!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #387 on: November 05, 2019, 08:46:01 AM »
Thanks bro!

That is a really great quote. It really sums up the situation and is something important to remember for the future. That's exactly how it was.... In the past, I'd have rationalized going thinking it's fine. But I knew it was NOT fine, didn't go and it saved me a ton of grief. Wow. Thinking about it now, this is a bigger win then I even thought. Because, it's also about having faith in the future and developing patience.

Why do I need to go look at all the girls or irrationally have to chase all the girls that night, when I know in the future I'll end up with an awesome girl anyway. Plus patience...I can wait for good shit in the future, by doing the right actions now.

That's huge for me, impatience, wanting it right now has really messed with my life.




Last few days have been pretty good. A big win was a date on Sunday (tho it won't go anywhere, but still a huge win, I'll explain). First I'll talk about yesterday then the date on Sunday.

Yesterday, work was uneventful. I went home to watch "1" Video on youtube and it ended up being like 3+ hours. Ugghh. Well lesson relearned, thats why I cut it out in the first place. I was disappointed for the lost time, but pulled it together and spent about on hour with a friend and still got my meditation done.

Commitment this week: (Today to Monday) No internet use except for utility. No youtube. No videos. NONE.
Was thinking about girls in bed last night and this am. Gave me a few lil urges, catching that shit.
Often that would lead me down a bad path.

I am now using PEDs for my reboot lol. I took half a ritalin this morning and that massively weakened that growing urge and being lost in fantasy world. It almost feels like cheating, but honestly fuck it lol there are no rules and the only thing I am competing against is the addiction.

The ritalin seems to possibly cause some anger/emotional issues as a side effect, so I am using it sparingly.

I have all these great, fun and educational/inspiring books I want to read and keep putting it off. So I commited 3 hours of today to reading. That'll be great. Reading that much will really rebalance the hell out of my mind and can literally change me for months, it's an opportunity for lots of new perspectives.


On to the date on Sunday:

Background: I have not been pursuing women at all, for me this is good. As I'd sometimes make pursuing women a priority in a desperate way, with little chance of success and it was massively triggering and often almost compulsive/impulsive rather then effective. "I have to go meet a girl NOW!" (Like that'd ever work). I have been thinking a lot about how to handle things with girls and came up with some new philosophy's to make things easier and more comfortable for all involved.

Also visualization is the bomb. I visualize a bunch of things, one of them lately has been (non seuxally) imagining really attractive  and nice women really liking me and wanting to date me. In a realistic vivid ( NOT PORNey or wild fantasy way). Just non sexually really attractive women wanting to talk to me, wanting to date me etc. Also been visualizing a great relationship (minus the sex part/ triggers) Careful if anyone trys this, it could be a slippery slope for most.

This shit works for me. I guess girls pick up on whats going on in my subconcious a bit because I notice women are friendlier when I do this, maybe more importantly I don't really care if girls like me or not, because now in an almost instinctive level I just "know" I am desirable to women and will end up with great ones.

Anyway. I was walking back from several health food stores (taking care of myself!) This girl I was attracted to was a dressed a little oddly and had a like crystal butterfly on her forehead (???). I told her I liked it.

She was with some other girl who seemed a bit odd. I was slightly weary (good! Rather then desperate for any girl), it turned out that the butterfly was from her holloween costume. The weird girl also had just met her.

As the weird girl was talking I thought to myself "hmmm, this girl is hanging out with strange people, she might be strange, i don't know if I want her in my life at all". (This is cool.... having standards FOR REAL). Oddly it's like the girl could read my thoughts as she turned and looked right at me with great interest, just as I thought that. I was like Okay, I"ll be patient see where this goes.

The girl ended up being cooler then expected (prob not girlfriend material though). She suggested we hang out. She came with me to the library to pick up a book and to drop my groceries off. It turns out she was staying at a really fancy hotel like across the street from me. We went to the rooftop and she ate.

Spoiler: Nothing sexual happened! But the big win for me is....

We just had a great time, we were on this comfortable couch and she layed down on it and I touched her in very small amounts I turned away at key moments etc.

It turned out she was leaving the next am. Her friend was staying with her and came and ate with us. Really the big wins for me were how I acted.

In the past I would have tried to "make something happen" even with little chance of it happening. This time I didn't give a shit!

I had not yet done my meditation and visualization, so I acted like Awesome Dan and Blueheronfan and left the girls to go do it lol. (part of why posting/ reading here can be awesome) that shit was so fresh in my mind as I literally read about/ posted about it THAT morning. Talk about the right information at the right time)

Got the girls number and genuinely didn't give a shit if I got to meet back up with them that night. Now the girl is traveling around and I may never see her again I am totally cool with that.

The huge wins were:
I was super confident and this girl was chasing/ initiating with me (just as I planned). The girl was very attractive.
My visualization is clearly working.

I implemented the new strategy I have with girls..... essentially do less. Even if she wants to kiss, for example, I don't have to! Rather then pushing for something, literally always do LESS than she is comfortable with. Not what she is comfortable with, LESS. This made us both super comfortable and again, I am not the dali lama, I actually love that the girl wants more and is kind of chasing me. It's the bomb. Plus it is in part about self control which obviously I want.

Rather then taking a risk trying to make something happen that was unlikely. I did the right stuff. I had a great time, didn't push things at all and left to keep doing the shit that, in part, helped get me there meditation and visualization.

The way I acted is exactly how I want to act and feel etc. no desparation, not trigger myself with desparation. And this moving slow "letting the girl like me" letting her come to me. Is the exact behavior that would result in an excellent relationship for me. Plus I love this faith I am having in myself, like I don't feel I need to do much, the girl'll just like me and I know it. (visuazliation is bomb for confidence, I used it for confidence in sports in the past. It works)

« Last Edit: November 05, 2019, 08:53:48 AM by quitforeverthenwin2 »

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #388 on: November 05, 2019, 07:58:16 PM »
Wow, that's another great story! Way to go, man! Awesome Dans unite (lol)!

There really is a lot to celebrate here. Having standards instead of being desperate for anyone. Holding back instead of trying to force things. Being open to seeing what happens with people without getting too invested in a specific outcome. Most of all, having the confidence that you'll end up with a super awesome girl eventually, so why add layers of stress to your life in the meantime? Really great perspective (that I have been trying to adopt for myself too).

Not only does it sound like you handled that whole situation well, but you're also doing good things in other area of your life. Controlling your technology, read, etc. Your recovery isn't just theoretical. It's something you're really doing, and that's so awesome.

Keep killing it!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #389 on: November 06, 2019, 04:38:52 PM »
Thanks Bro!

Yesterday I did my 3 hours of reading, which I really enjoyed. Today a little bit less good. Worked early, actually felt great. Had a little expresso coffee, didn't feel any more energetic but crashed after work super hard. Seems it didn't do me much good. I fell asleep during my meditation, so will do it later.

It's okay, I'll just look at it as data. Espresso= Not helpful.

Been thinking about girls a bit too much in bed. Took a little quarter of ritalin to break the cycle. That tiny bit of a dose could be a placebo for all I know but, whatever. Going to take it this evening just in case. I can see myself going down the wrong path these last few days. (progressively fantasazing more about girls). I have been squeaky clean for awhile. So I REALLY want to cut that shit out.... As I wrote that I thought screw it, and took another quarter of the ritalin. I'll just take my dose for the day in the evening.... It helps and it's below the prescribed dose... (Lol hopefully we don't find me in a ritalin addiction forum someday, Though I'd honestly take it over this PMO stuff)

May have to plan for staying up late tonight.

My one commitment: I will tonight, fall asleep without any thoughts of girls in my mind whatso ever. Then will get out of bed in the same fashion and post here IMMEDIATELY to report.
This is one of those make or break times.

In other news, been glad to make small commitments and keep them.

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #390 on: November 06, 2019, 04:44:44 PM »
Just an immediate post after to remind myself of why I am doing this.

I am at a point (not couting days) but where from experience good chance MY DICK WOULD ACTUALLY WORK. That is nice, though I plan to take things slow. That's pretty cool right? I am walking around with a decently working dick right now most likely. Fantasizing about girls tonight would lead me down the path of losing that in a hurry.

I have been feeling much better mentally.
I now am developing more patience. IT has been far easier to sacrafice short term fun/ pleasure for what matters to me. Doing this is actually making me happier.... And it shows me that my a faith in my future must be strong.

So, do I want more of this? Hell yeah!

Also for the better part of the last week I didn't even care about dating or even getting the girl. I was happy with my trajectory and healing myself, focusing on health. That is AWESOME. I want more of that.

So by breaking this cycle, and more importantly focusing in on where I want to go.... I can get more of these awesome benefits.

Health is the bomb. It's improving. My body feels much better then a few weeks ago. My career will come a long soon. Good things coming. And remember to self: Reading is the best. So many great books to read and things to learn.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #391 on: November 06, 2019, 08:09:03 PM »
Good things are coming! It's awesome that you're sticking to your commitments and reminding yourself of the path you're on.

Thinking about girls is tricky stuff. It's easy and natural to do, but it can get you in trouble in a hurry. You're exactly right to be working on cutting it out, especially in situations (like being in bed) that could be a slippery slope to relapse.

Do you have specific strategies for processing your thoughts/turning away from the thoughts you don't want? For me, it usually is enough to just focus my attention my breath for a while. It might sound quaint, but I will also sometimes sing a song in my head that I learned when I was younger as like my nuclear option. There's something about having to think through a tune and lyrics at the same time that makes it really hard for other thoughts to take hold in my mind. Maybe an option if thoughts/fantasies are especially persistent.

Keep going strong!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #392 on: November 07, 2019, 07:07:24 AM »
Good ideas. Yeah, for me it can be very tough. The key is often not starting. That is one of the difficulties I have, I can get lost in my thoughts to a pretty ridiculous extent.

But anyways, it wasn't the case yesterday! Kept the commitment.

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #393 on: November 07, 2019, 06:25:24 PM »
Also just thinking about it, going to continue, perhaps looking into ritalin protocols and maybe other medications. It does seem to be a bit toughter for me to control my thoughts then others. A huge part of my addiction is I could get lost in fantasy for hours and hours and hours. That's an issue I have, my mind can just be stuck on certain thoughts for hours and hours and it is very tough to break. (except at times like now, I took my prescribed dose of ritalin).

Did yoga today, got a massage (was worried about it being triggering, it was 90% fine. If I ever got massages super skilled OLD ladies only, it's about healing the body that's it.) It seemed to feel pretty good. I was super overwhelmed earlier and just took a full ritalin pill twice today, just been pretty calm mostly and clear headed for the first time in days, it's pretty nice. My apartment is also clean now. Man does that shit make you love cleaning.


Commitment: For tonight once again, no thoughts of girls, fall asleep perhaps reviewing day or listening to an audio book. Same for the morning.

I was slipping down the wrong path for a few days, now yestarday and now today slowly pulling myself out of that, keeping things going strong.


BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #394 on: November 07, 2019, 08:35:54 PM »
Sounds like good stuff to me. You know yourself and your thoughts (and the process of recovery will get you even better acquainted), so just keep doing what works for you.

Keep it up!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #395 on: November 08, 2019, 07:30:07 AM »
Commitment kept. Thoughts popped into my head by remembered the commitment and was able to push them out.

Met a girl last night. I went to get some fruit and this girl was saying bye to these two guys. I was sly lol and walked really slow so I could time that as she said bye to them and walked she would walk right up behind me. So I was able to basically very naturally turn my head and casually start a conversation with her.

She seemed pretty cool and interesting she does some marketing stuff. I messed up a little bit. Not following my system. I am moving soon, so I thought "I want to make things happen fast!". The girl obviously liked me but I suggested we continue hanging out that night even thought it was late and we'd just met. We still ended up exchanging numbers with plans to see each other today, but I am not sure they will happen. I have seen from my experience if I ask a girl to hang out right then and there and she says no, now she'll also say no to what else I suggest. Thats why the "leave her wanting more" is so damn good.

Me and her pretty clearly liked each other. Just hada great convo,and walked together (we live near each other and walked and talked for close to a mile) and should have just set up a time to hang out in the future.

Oh well. I wasn't perfect but overall it was pretty good. Writing here my dating experiences is good to help me remember what works. I rememer Blue, you mentioned writing in a personal journal I find that helpful too, especially for learning and seeing patterns in what I am doing, so maybe I can record what happened here.

Now what I am about to write may be bs. Good chance I never see the girl again but just in case:
Also let me keep myself honest. I kind of feel like something could still happen with this girl. There is some danger here:

There expectation of something happening with a girl then it not happening is a trigger for me..... so be ready. If she never responds no biggie. If we hang out and I feel sexual tension then nothing happens go for a walk and shower.

If something does happen, no matter how far or not far it goes. Be ready for chaser affect! Get DA FUCK out of the apartment, call friends stay occupied. Read in great room.

And remember no pressure to do anything. I can say no. Recovery comes first, not forcing anything. If anything happens, it'll be for enjoyment and because it is a healthy part of recovery not so I can just say " I did this" or prove I can function.

Anyways, feeling pretty good right now (thanks ritalin!?) Looking forward to a good day. Have some important shit to get done. Then some errands and ought to take the time to think about what else will be rewarding to do/ get done today.

Also gotta watch myself feel really good but a little bit umm sexual. Those " I feel good! and excessively sexual (even for real people)" times can be dangerous. So I'll be sure to be aware. Just a reminder to myself feelings always pass. Desire or an urge can build and build and build and build until it's like we can't take it anymore and then!..... It goes away. It's not like we're some piston filling with steam and pressure building (thought it feels that way). It's all going on in the brain and feelings desires, urges come and go. And getting through them is just making my brain healthier.

BIG PICTURE.
« Last Edit: November 08, 2019, 08:02:43 AM by quitforeverthenwin2 »

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #396 on: November 08, 2019, 01:03:02 PM »
Little update, have some simple tasks I want to get done that I haven't yet, considering putting them off until tomorrow....

Did not hear back from that girl. No biggie. A footnote in my recovery, a nice reminder of how to do things the right way. Funny observation there.... I actually logically knew 100% I'd never seen that girl again. But my emotional mind was trying to ignore it. Sort of the flip side. We can rationally know a girl likes us but not be able to accept it. In this case I kind of was selectively ignorant of the signs that this girl actually was not interested in seeing me again. Oddly enough toward the end I could feel the vibe was a bit off. Also if when exchanging contact info a girl even suggests exchanging instagram instead of numbers, there is a very nearly 0 percent chance of seeing her ever. In my experience.

When I had instagram and we'd exchange them I'd never see the girl again. And if she suggested instagram and I have us do numbers instead/ say I don't have one ( I don't use it anymore), there is also no chance of seeing her again. This is such a ridiculously accurate metric it's crazy.

Basically if a girl really wants to hang out, she's cool exchanging numbers. Thank god phone is still the gold standard for communicating with people who are actual friends/ lovers. I think girls categorize dudes following their instagram as kind of fans/entertainment. Not a real dating prospect. So the good aspect there is that, we aren't missing anything by cutting out social media. It separates us in a a very positive way if anything. Not like a lot of other dudes who are on it, liking girls pictures and stuff hoping the girl will just comment thank you to them or something ( LAME). And filters out the noise (people who want you to follow them/ each other on social media but nothing else) versus real shit, people who actually want to be friends, date etc.


Also this thing with the girl does not "violate" my assuming the girl is into you deal. This girl was totally interested at first. I 1) Pushed things a little to quick. Which made her say no. We only knew each other for 15 min. She may have needed more time to like me enough to go on a date. And finally psychologically turning someone down causes them to rationalize why they did it, so not knowing this girl too well that was enough to make her lose interest. This is actually a very very powerful psychological effect. Ask someone to do you a favor and they say no: They'll like you less. Ask someone to do a small favor and they say yes and they'll like you. Our mind rationalizes our actions. Ben Franklin was actually famous for this, when he had political enemies thwarting his plans, he would ask them to do him tiny favors (rather then doing things for them) he'd ask in a way that made them feel important so they would say yes. After they did him a favor they'd like him more (just psychology) and they'd become friends.

So I pushed a little too hard. Suggested we hang out now, she wasn't comfortable with that yet. So she almost said yes, then said no. Now it's like I am pursuing her and she is pushing back, she got used to that. Then she goes home and is like "okay cool, I won by being alone and not hanging out with that guy..... wow that guy sucked." Suddenly the whole story can change in her mind. I was a guy pursuing her she was not interested in, rather then a guy she liked.

Plus this girl seemed kind of weird/ loopy too (sour grapes? lol). Not girlfriend material

Women, as confusing as they can seem to us in certain ways. Are actually logical in a lot of there actions. Until there is a real relationship with a women, in my opinion sexual. They can change there mind very quickly and do not value the guy too much and can be quite seemingly callous in the way they'll treat a guy when they change their mind about him. But really it's rational. We don't know each other well yet. There is no real relationship We haven't had sex.

 I think most women wait to SOLIDIFY their continued desire to have a sort of relationship with a man until it really is a relationship, until something is real. Perhaps sex several times (or equivalent intimacy and commitment for you religious folk) or perhaps bringing each other into aspects of your lives.

I think I am hopefully becoming a bit more like a woman in this regard lol. Be really into (Edit: INTERESTED, not into,) a girl, but very able to lose all interest very quickly, keeping interest totally provisional and being very unattached to what happens with a girl, until we have a real relationship and have invested in each other.

Again not meant to be callous nonsense like "Man, who cares about women, I have no feelings" nonsense. Just being smarter about investing feelings, like many women are. Investing them AFTER the relationship is created and not before.


Been thinking about this a lot. There is a lot to be learned from women when it comes to handling women lol and relationships etc. Not by the advice they give, but how they handle things and behave. I notice most girls don't chase super hard, they are often amazing at suggesting a hangout in a casual way, but only after it's like a foregone conclusion. They let you come to them. They are provisional in their interest, willing to lose interest quickly if they do not like something, until the relationship is real. They seem to handle rejection well. (though we men feel bad about it, thinking they are babies). And they often get over breakups quicker it seems.

« Last Edit: November 08, 2019, 01:29:14 PM by quitforeverthenwin2 »

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #397 on: November 08, 2019, 10:21:24 PM »
I think you have a lot of wise thoughts, if it weren't for me getting back home so late tonight, I would take more time to respond. For now, I'll just say thanks and commit to re read tomorrow when I'm fresher. This is something I want to think more about.

And I hear what you mean about the fizzle being a trigger. Looking back, every time a relationship fell apart or was coming together but then didn't happen, I fell back into porn. Even when I was staying clean, the break-up sent me back into it. It has been like a guaranteed relapse for me, so that's something I'm also trying to be really thoughtful about. We'll get it!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #398 on: November 08, 2019, 11:47:07 PM »
Glad to hear the reminder! I think when we can look at the big picture. Like Okay, here comes that situation that was tough in the past, this is the opportunity to learn to get over it. Is great. It also can take the sting off of it, it's part of something bigger, our continued improvement.


The girl ended up answering some texts and then canceling our hang out. Pretty much what I expected, no biggie.

Had an amazing yoga class this evening. Goal has been no internet other then work/ this forum for the week. But honestly resulted in me being on here more then I wanted. Break from Ritalin tomorrow. I was on the Ritalin posting here, (you guys may have noticed some of my posts are like books today lol). That stuff is a little strong. You can be reading or something and like suddenly two hours have past.

I nearly listened to music walking home a small thing but not doing that was part of my internet free week. As I literally was putting the headphones in I thought "hmmm, this is me breaking a commitment, breaking small commitments in the past has led to me relapsing" ( Break the commitment not to internet, then commitment not to fantasize, then.... etc. etc.). " Meh, it'll be fine it's just the internet. Then I thought like "man it would suck so fucking bad to relapse. Why put myself at risk? So I instead played an AWESOME audio book by the MAN Zig Ziglar (this I allow myself in lue of youtube the internet etc.). Which I enjoyed a lot more then I would of the music/ youtube stuff.

Those little decisions EARLY on are so key sort of like Blue posted about in non-dual's journal, taking responsibility for all the little things that lead up to the lapses is so damn key.

The book is actually about having an awesome marriage. I know it's kind of early ( I am single lol) But I think it's actually awesome. I figure guys spend so much time (ESPECIALLY me) planning and learning how to get girls, years of it. I ought to spend years prepping and planning to have an awesome relationship/ marriage/ family culture. Trying to work on setting that shit up now, as it may take years for me to be ready. Love that book a lot of ideas that I thought would be good, repeated by a dude who had an incredible marriage (they were known for loving the heck out of each other and were married when they were like 20 till he died at 86 or so). Plus other great shit.

Also I think it's a good confidence boost. I study shit and bust my ass to get good at what I want to get good at. How many people are studying themselves and how to have a great relationship, willing to plan and work at it for years before it even starts? Not many, and in my experience hard work and preparation always pays off. I am putting in work to make a relationship good, so I can be confident that I'll have a good ability to create a good relationship. Knowing that, that is something I have to offer to women, I am bringing something rare and very rewarding to the table. Confidence boost right there.

brandnewself

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #399 on: November 09, 2019, 04:18:24 AM »
Hey quit, congrats on the right decision that you made! I think listening to audiobook is a great substitute to youtube and all sorts of artificial stimulation. I'll also find some good books to listen to. Keep going man!