Author Topic: My journal to recovery- Could use support  (Read 6371 times)

squid

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #275 on: July 15, 2019, 10:24:56 PM »
I think that kind of fantasizing is something very natural, and I'm sure many others including me can relate to this on a deep level. We all want to feel like the hero in our own story, but it often doesn't feel like that way in real life. To "scratch that itch" for lack of a better term, we sometimes have to change what a perception of being a hero is in our minds: for some its being a loving and protecting parent, for others it might be achieving a high skill in some type of job field, for others it might be going on a long PMO streak and having the confidence to never turn to PMO again, and it could also be a combination of many things. We are all on the "hero's journey" to rid ourselves of PMO, it's just not a story that would necessarily be a blockbuster if it were a movie so sometimes our brains want to find a more interesting goal to achieve, regardless of the importance it has to our physical and mental health. Keep on going, you're doing great!

Anyone that wakes up in the morning and says in their mind, "Today is going to be a better day", and trys to make it so, is a hero.  You are too.  Keep going man!

Lero

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #276 on: July 16, 2019, 03:09:26 AM »
Anyone that wakes up in the morning and says in their mind, "Today is going to be a better day", and trys to make it so, is a hero.  You are too.  Keep going man!

I think it's a better idea to start the day thinking positively. It could change the way you feel the whole day.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #277 on: July 17, 2019, 10:47:58 AM »
Great points guys...

Unfortunately back at day 0. Seems like I am in that annoying slip every few days after a long streak snapped mode....

At least my slips have not been too terrible.

I know exactly what did it though.....

#1) I looked in the mirror and thought I should lose a bit of fat. I am by no means over weight but am not as lean as I have been at times, been working out and felt I looked just average.... I decided to try and not eat carbs for the day just to lean out a little.... Ate way too little. Man my body did not respond well I just got starving and exhausted by the end of the day and then I ate a whole bunch, which was fine but I think it set off a bit a binge instinct. Mostly though, it was allowing my mind and body to be exhausted by the hunger that did it.... So no more stupid diets, eat healthy and plenty. I am not all into 12 step but they do have an acronym HALT- Hungry Angry Lonely Tired... can all be possible triggers. Some truth to that.

Correction- Eat healthy and plenty no diets just healthy food AND start running again. I'd been focused on lifting and not doing much cardio. If I want to lean out a bit, just run which is great for me mentally and I wanted to do anyway.

#2) Fantasized a whole bunch about sex the day before.

#3) Let apartment get really messy.

And finally- Don't have a plan for urges. I had like no urges remotely for days. Then just pretty much decided to lapse. I was just like "okay, I want to lapse I'll do it" minimal resistance. Thats a bit frustrating.

I tried the therapist- Honestly, it wasn't good. Will look into another. I felt worse after and got thrown off from it. 

pichaelthompson

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #278 on: July 17, 2019, 11:09:47 AM »
It's all good man, yeah I understand while it feels annoying but don't let that hurt your confidence moving forward. You know you can do this as you have done it before, and we all know you can do it too.

It's crazy how everything is connected: If I eat/workout right, my work gets better, my urges are easier to deal with, I'm better with my relationships. I also get better sleep, and the same is true if I don't do well on any of those things, it affects everything else. I often try to compartmentalize my life but in doing so I make compromises, for example: I'll skip my workout and eat some fast-food, but I gotta make sure to do my work after. Even if that's what I do, I won't feel as good doing it and therefore won't be as effective. Of course, there are moments to treat yourself, but that is all connected to prolonged periods of doing the right thing, allowing your body and mind a small break from changing for the better.

As far as a plan for urges, I guess my plan recently has been to not have a plan...as in literally do nothing to engage with the urge. In the past, my relapses have often come from me trying to reason with myself in my head why I shouldn't watch P. This works alot of the time, but sometimes no matter what you say to yourself there is a part of your brain that makes a compelling counter-argument, and I end up relapsing. Now I try to recognize when I have the urge, and be as zen as possible. Either return to the task I'm doing, or take a break and pay attention to the physical sensations and emotion. In other words, quiet the voice inside of your head because you already know that no PMO is the right thing to do, so allowing you to try to explain to yourself why it's wrong (something you have done before, so it is not needed) will only open up the opportunity to falsely convince yourself otherwise.

Lero

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #279 on: July 17, 2019, 12:30:52 PM »
As far as a plan for urges, I guess my plan recently has been to not have a plan...as in literally do nothing to engage with the urge. In the past, my relapses have often come from me trying to reason with myself in my head why I shouldn't watch P. This works alot of the time, but sometimes no matter what you say to yourself there is a part of your brain that makes a compelling counter-argument, and I end up relapsing. Now I try to recognize when I have the urge, and be as zen as possible. Either return to the task I'm doing, or take a break and pay attention to the physical sensations and emotion. In other words, quiet the voice inside of your head because you already know that no PMO is the right thing to do, so allowing you to try to explain to yourself why it's wrong (something you have done before, so it is not needed) will only open up the opportunity to falsely convince yourself otherwise.

I understand this because I've been doing it a little bit. When urges hit me I just...did nothing. I didn't move my hands, I didn't do anything, just waited there. Then you realize that actually those urges come and go.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #280 on: July 17, 2019, 06:26:27 PM »
As far as a plan for urges, I guess my plan recently has been to not have a plan...as in literally do nothing to engage with the urge. In the past, my relapses have often come from me trying to reason with myself in my head why I shouldn't watch P. This works alot of the time, but sometimes no matter what you say to yourself there is a part of your brain that makes a compelling counter-argument, and I end up relapsing. Now I try to recognize when I have the urge, and be as zen as possible. Either return to the task I'm doing, or take a break and pay attention to the physical sensations and emotion. In other words, quiet the voice inside of your head because you already know that no PMO is the right thing to do, so allowing you to try to explain to yourself why it's wrong (something you have done before, so it is not needed) will only open up the opportunity to falsely convince yourself otherwise.

Yeah, I think my strategy is pretty similar. Sometimes I will say something to myself like "Thanks for the suggestion, but I"m not going to do that right now." Other times, it seems like my brain is worried that I'm "missing out" on seeing someone super attractive or something, and I'll just say "It doesn't matter," just to remind myself that I'm not actually losing anything by abstaining. Sometimes I say it out loud. But, for the most part, I do just try to take thought out of it and to focus my attention on something else, sometimes the sensation of the urge (but that can sometimes make it feel stronger) but mostly my breath. Without attention, the urges die away eventually. Attention, whether we're flirting with them or shouting at them, usually just makes them stronger.

Sorry to hear about the restart, but a fresh start is always an exciting opportunity to do something new/better. Don't forget to take care of yourself!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #281 on: September 16, 2019, 10:56:06 AM »
Been awhile. A lot to update I suppose but will start with the pressing:

Was on the bus and looking at someone gave me a bit of an urge. Urges coming far more powerfully and suddenly at the moment. Today is day 1.....


BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #282 on: September 16, 2019, 09:27:00 PM »
It really has been, but welcome back!

It's crazy how urges can vary in intensity. But it's awesome that you're aware of it and reaching out for support.

Go have a great Day 2!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #283 on: September 17, 2019, 08:33:57 AM »
Thanks bro! I want to wish I hadn't stayed away for so long but that's in the past now. Will be a lot to update at some point.....

Starting a new job today. Procrastinated on some things I had to get done for it, but aiming to just do the best that I can now and hopefully learn for the next time.

Went for a run this morning, it felt really good. I just started running consistently and it's cool to see my fitness improving. A morning workout was a great confidence boost. My urges were pretty crazy yesterday but basically none today feeling a lot clearer headed. I think that's due to solid workout program and meditation program I just started. BUT this does not mean get arrogant. The urges will come for sure and it will be tough again, so have to do the right things and be prepared.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #284 on: September 17, 2019, 05:23:29 PM »
Congrats on the new job and the new workout and meditation program!

You know it already, but this recovery is about so much more than just quitting PMO. It's really about building a new, better life.

As for feeling bad you spent some time away, I wish I had joined this forum years ago, but I didn't. Things happen and we all have our own path. What matters is that you're here today and back at it.

Keep it up!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #285 on: September 18, 2019, 05:59:38 AM »
Thanks so much bro! So true, recovery and changing habits is so critical and rewarding. Yes, I guess that's just how it is..... in terms of the past, can only move forward and use that as motivation to be a few years down the road looking back so glad about getting this done now.

Good day yesterday,I enjoyed the new job had a good run in the morning did some yoga after work, good stuff. As I fell asleep I seemingly innocently was thinking about girls, in a fairly "sweet/innocent" way. It seemed good like I just calmly fell asleep, but I know in the past and depending on where my brain is, that has caused me issue so be cautious.

Looking forward to the day, I am happy about my new job. (Remember I had gotten a great job before? It was not at all what it seemed). So hopefully with this one it remains good and I can put any inevitable issues with it into perspective. Not being too extreme.

Edit:
Just updating have a bit of a craving not too strong. Ended up off at work today and the free time is a trigger.
« Last Edit: September 18, 2019, 10:46:47 AM by Quitforeverthenwin »

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #286 on: September 18, 2019, 06:34:58 PM »
Good stuff, staying aware and engaged with your thoughts and feelings.

Cravings are only a problem (obviously) if we give into them. Lately, I have had some success thanking the craving for the suggestion but then saying no thank you. It helps me avoid adding more anger and pressure to the process than is already a part of it naturally. Just acknowledge it, move on, and put another day in the bag.

Keep going!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #287 on: September 19, 2019, 06:13:53 AM »
Thanks man! I definitely ought to use that.


Unfortunately I had a slip last night. Not nearly as bad as the previous ones, but a slip none the less. I MO'd to fantasy, fantasy of girls I actually had experiences with, but the fantasies with them escalated to pmo fetish ones, thought not super extreme. Oh well I have to get right back to it.

What caused this lapse is..... I wrote about the other night thinking about girls how it was fine that night but I know it's been an issue in the past, well sure enough I literally decided to do that last night (irrational) I literally decided to with minimal urge and soon after I had a moderate urge but with rationalization that MO will be okay.

A few lessons
1) Just keep moving forward. Unfortunately since breaking my long streak some months ago, it was the worst months in years in terms of this addiction, maybe the worst since I first quit. Bummer. So I may have to do a little extra work to heal.
2) Again keep moving forward lol. The reason it was so bad was.... After I had the slip breaking my streak. I decided "well Mo is okay" it of course wasn't okay. The reason I decided it wasn't okay was rationalization.... I broke my streak and FELT like I could not face "starting over" (Though I had made good progress and it would not have been starting over). So don't make that mistake again..... have to move forward with this no matter what. Had I kept moving forward I'd likely be in a pretty good place now. Oh well live and learn.
3) MO IS NOT OKAY. This became my chief rationalization that led to lapses and relapses in these months. You guys called it. It still is. It is just the addictions new trick. The thought "MO is okay" often led to the very worst parts of the addiction. Not even after getting bored of MOing. Going directly to them.... it's not rational it's just one of the addiction rationalization's my most dangerous at the moment. I have to realise that thought= Danger! Get my self on the forum ASAP to fight that thought.
4) Meditate earlier in day. Did a night meditation. Meditation is wonderful but doing it too later when tired becomes a trigger, I sometimes fall asleep during it, which is useless. Or even worse my mind wonders to P fantasy and can lead to powerful urges when I am less prepared to deal with them.

Anyway, just gonna keep moving forward. Thanks for the support! I think the short goals system seems to work well many, so I'll give it a go. First goal 10 days. Today is day 1.

Lero

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #288 on: September 19, 2019, 06:35:59 AM »
Some P addicts (if not the biggest part of them) really don't benefit from MO. The explanation we bring up with MO is that it's harmless and only PMO is the problem. From my experience and other users around here, we really should stay away from MO too. MO makes me enter flatline for a few days where I feel like shit. First of all, why would I want to throw away my well-being for days of flatline just for a MO? It's not even intense like P. It doesn't even compare. It's weed vs crack. After 21 days I felt like a rocket, I MO-ed and felt completely like shit for the next 4 days. Also, the chaser effect is real and it was literally killing me. I literally fought all fucking day long to avoid switching to P or MO-ing even more. It's the repercussion of abusing PMO so much. Last but important for me (it could mean nothing to others), I can't be satisfied with MO-ing alone in my room. It reminds me even more about my dry spell. All this being said, why the fuck would I MO anyway? I'll tell you why: Because the brain tricks me into giving it dopamine by MO. That's why. Otherwise, why would MO be such a big deal? It's like drinking beer and trying to convince myself that I am not an alcoholic cause this is not vodka. MO stimulates the same part of the brain. It's the same arousal, same O. It's just not that intense like P. Without being a P addict, I wouldn't want to masturbate at all. I would use MO as a PMO substitute in a way. Eventually that would lead back to P. Hard mode is the best in my opinion. The fastest, the safest. You don't play with fire, you don't give yourself flatlines, chaser effects and all this bullshit. Of course, the withdrawal could get brutal without any form of giving dopamine to the brain but nothing has only advantages. The world has advantages and disadvantages. I am willing to suffer the withdrawal if this makes me feel better in the long run.   

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #289 on: September 19, 2019, 05:24:54 PM »
Sorry about the slip, but it sounds like you're getting right back to work which is exactly the thing to do.

Keep moving forward, and then, like you said, when you're done with that keep moving forward. I really believe that the only way to fail is to quit. It doesn't matter if you're going 60 miles an hour or 5, you're still getting closer to a life of freedom.

So it's definitely not something to treat like no big deal, definitely take the slip seriously. But find some joy in knowing that it could have been (way) worse and that tomorrow is a new day!

Keep moving forward!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #290 on: September 19, 2019, 09:24:27 PM »
Thanks man!

Well at least the slip provided evidence how bad this shit is. Felt like this intense emotional pain that is tough to describe, just angry at everything irritable. Then there was other feelings, anxiety and tension in my chest, bad headache low energy and a deep feeling, that can almost be described as like my soul hurting.

Anyway it was very difficult, but with the help of lots (for me) of caffeine (not to be over done, but I think it boosts dopamine so can help with withdrawals) I was able to feel just bad and perform at work. I busted my ass working super hard and that really made me feel better. Lil urge home now....

Back on the horse. Looking forward to tomorrow being day two : )

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #291 on: September 20, 2019, 07:28:32 PM »
Yeah, those urges and feelings can be really awful. Caffeine maybe isn't a long term solution, but I think it's probably okay in the early stages. I know that the first time I really tried quitting the only way I could get through the day was with candy bars. That's definitely not a healthy replacement for porn, but I needed something to take the edge off without relapsing and that did the trick.

I have also had some success just focusing on the sensations that arise when I experience an urge. Like, instead of saying "This is an urge, I have to fight it," I just say, "I feel tension between my stomach and my chest." Then I just observe that sensation and focus on my breath. Somehow, it sort of takes the intensity out of the urge. I still feel the sensation, but it stops being like a craving for porn and turns into just some feeling in my body that I can let go of after a while. Something to try, maybe.

But way to make it through a day! Day 2 is a great day, just focus on getting through it clean at any cost!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #292 on: September 20, 2019, 08:22:57 PM »
day 2
Thanks man! Great tip... yeah I think that's a good way to look at it, Caffeine as a temporary thing.

Today worked hard at work got myself tired. Some of it was me duplicating effort being a little too hyper. Oh well, I am making progress at work and stress can be good somtimes. Was incredibly tired after and felt a bit of an urge. Gotta watch that! Text from a girl was vaguely triggering. It was just her saying something nice... but it had me wishing she was with me (she is in another city) and that can lead to bad places.

Well tomorrow'll be day 3.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #293 on: September 21, 2019, 12:39:15 PM »
Slipped again.... a bit worse this time. One mo with fetish/pmo fantasy and 2 this am thinking about girls.....

Hmmm. At least I am staying with posting, key is stay here and keep moving forward.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #294 on: September 21, 2019, 06:55:51 PM »
Definitely, posting regularly is a big thing to keep in place (I know it has helped me a ton).

Sorry about the slip! I'm not giving you any excuses or anything, but it least is wasn't a full-on PMO binge. Maybe worse than your last slip, but don't forget that growth isn't linear.

Now you know that those fantasies just aren't worth it. They're fun, but they aren't worth the risk. That's what I keep telling myself, "Yeah, I might enjoy X, but it just isn't worth the risk of relapse. Better to miss out than run the risk."

On to a new day!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #295 on: September 22, 2019, 07:55:20 AM »
Unfortunately continued the lapse yesterday and it was bad. Don't like admitting it but... it was looking at ads and texting them, that's so self destructive. Lowers my confidence but.... one thing makes me feel better...

The realization that, I essentially have no plan to handle urges or pmo thoughts at the moment... so of course this is happening. In the past I always had activities to do to distract myself or would plan on posting etc. being aware of the urge is a great idea, but for me, what has given me success is having something else to do as well.

Action steps:
1) Come up with plans of activities to do when urges arise
2) Implement that plan
3) Stay of the internet other then for work ESPECIALLY on my phone. I had cut youtube etc. out of my life, having them back sucks and is super triggering.


Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #296 on: September 22, 2019, 07:57:41 AM »
Day 1

Wanted to stay in bed upon alarm (which was already late) but that went BAD yesterday so I got up. Will do laundry shortly and a little exercise (making up for missed day yesterday). Feel behind on some stuff, at least I have been pretty productive at work

kopp

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #297 on: September 22, 2019, 09:45:42 AM »
Hey man :) You're OK. You've done great and you'll do great again. Enjoy your life no matter your streak :)

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #298 on: September 22, 2019, 10:28:45 AM »
Thanks Kopp! That means a lot, the support really means a lot. Glad to be back here, and think I'll post even more... it worked in the past so why not do what worked?

Could use a little help on something... I realize I really need to PLAN to quit not just say I am going to do it. But, I feel like maybe I have too many ideas.
My ideas include:
Go for a walk every evening this week to clear mind and not be in apartment doing nothing during evening
For urges leave apartment and go to building garden and.... do something there to distract self?
Have a goal of doing the above^ 3x a day, so I'll leave at even the slightest urge/thought of pmo which will build the habit.

Hmmm. Seem decent ideas to me, but keep having different ones popping up you know? Want to have a solid plan to handle urges and emotions to an extent.

In other news, it was so shitty idk 24 hours but I had a nice run just now. Running is so great for the mind. That was the start of regaining some clarity.

kopp

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #299 on: September 22, 2019, 11:01:24 AM »
Do what makes sense.

I have a habit of going outside every morning but I never made it into a goal. And some days I don't go outside. And I feel fine with that.

How many ideas do you have? What about trying one new each week? You'll soon see what sticks :)
What are the other ideas? And which one will you apply/try tonight?