Author Topic: My journal to recovery- Could use support  (Read 4030 times)

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #250 on: July 07, 2019, 06:17:33 PM »
Yeah, definitely proud of you for keeping up the fight and for coming back to fight it with us!

Edit (some hours later): Some noise in the apartment next door irritated me and I got the thought of an urge. Just posting here instead.

Isn't it crazy how random things can sometimes trigger us? Like what does noise have to do with porn? But I know the feeling, and it's just more evidence that PMO is a coping mechanism. Our brain goes to it when things disappoint or upset us. It isn't really about sex as much as it is about escaping pain. Even the pain of noisy neighbors. That's why, for me, I'm really trying to understand my emotions and to get better at dealing with them in healthier ways.

It's a new day and a new week! Keep on keeping on!


Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #251 on: July 07, 2019, 10:59:48 PM »
Thanks man! Such a true insight... definite coping mechanism... Finding better ways to handle emotions really critical for sure....

Again had a few urgy thoughts/ rationalization

1) Will I REALLY never masturbate again? Thought (urgy thought)
2) A brief out there tiny thought about ummm trigger thing, (won't go into detail)

Anyways, just recording it.

Other than that, decent day today. Made some adjustment and ended the day with a fun activity. Feeling momentum is returning.

Lero

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #252 on: July 08, 2019, 03:26:22 AM »
Isn't it crazy how random things can sometimes trigger us? Like what does noise have to do with porn? But I know the feeling, and it's just more evidence that PMO is a coping mechanism. Our brain goes to it when things disappoint or upset us. It isn't really about sex as much as it is about escaping pain. Even the pain of noisy neighbors. That's why, for me, I'm really trying to understand my emotions and to get better at dealing with them in healthier ways.

It's a new day and a new week! Keep on keeping on!

This is definitely true. In the past, we knew we could run to P anytime we experienced discomfort, like being 7 years old and running to your mom. We trained ourselves to deal with pain with P and we didn't learn how to deal with it in a normal way. That's why when you say: "Okay, no more P," you bump into discomfort and you don't know what to do. P urges start and that voice in your mind tells you to do what you know and forget about trying something else. When I was in high school, anytime I had a hard day in class (tests, annoying teachers, having to be evaluated), I started thinking about what P to watch when I got home. After I got home, I was supposed to look at homework but I PMO-ed furiously for like 4 times.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #253 on: July 08, 2019, 04:07:37 PM »
100%. Had a little work drama and felt a faint urge for a P website.

Had a good workout which was nice. Going to a meetup, aiming to really fill my schedule out more.

Day 3 today.

Last night had some really strong urges, literally talked out loud to myself and talked myself through it, it worked quite well actually, so something to keep in mind. Talking out loud slowed my thoughts and made them more rational.

squid

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #254 on: July 08, 2019, 04:26:11 PM »
100%. Had a little work drama and felt a faint urge for a P website.

Had a good workout which was nice. Going to a meetup, aiming to really fill my schedule out more.

Day 3 today.

Last night had some really strong urges, literally talked out loud to myself and talked myself through it, it worked quite well actually, so something to keep in mind. Talking out loud slowed my thoughts and made them more rational.

I had a similar experience today with work drama creating urges and am also going to a meet up group to fill my schedule.  Hope it goes well!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #255 on: July 08, 2019, 10:43:24 PM »
Thanks squid! I am very glad I went it was a sort of business group.... I actually think the guy running it is likely a scammer lol. (He had some VERY outlandish business claims) but I had a good time. Finding this is very useful go to these social events, not like I did before trying to approach girls in the club.....

Just go to things with people around, really helps me hit the reset button. So want to continue.

LOL Ridiculous urge popped up, it is something to laugh about (but take serious at the same time). What creativity our brains can come up with.

A guy rode past me on a bike, he made a noise like he was worried for a second, I imagined what if he fell into the street that train of thought after going through a few permutations somehow morphed into a a very outlandish sex fantasy. (I am not gay (nothing with with it if you are) and the dude on the bike no longer existed in the fantasy. Not going into detail as it could be trigger but goodness the thoughts can pop up out of nowhere.

Worked out a ton. Back to lifting new program. Just high volume pushing hard but higher volume, it really really releases energy and tension in a great way. I actually feel much calmer.

Anyway, I keep saying it but got to catch up your all journals soon. But at least I am back

pichaelthompson

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #256 on: July 09, 2019, 09:41:42 AM »
Nice! I think I remember you giving me some advice a couple months ago about how our minds just naturally think of weird or f*cked up things, and that there's no reason to give any energy or action towards that. That has helped me alot because I feel like when I get the slightest bit bored, my mind always tries to think of crazy ideas that often lead to urges.

Working out is such a great way to calm the mind...at first I was doing it for vain reasons (looking good, getting girls) but now I genuinely like the feeling of pushing my body and getting a good sweat in. Your body knows that what you're doing is good for you (post-workout) and as a result your mind will feel better too. Keep it up!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #257 on: July 09, 2019, 10:45:59 AM »
So true man! I know exactly what you mean, pushing the body feels amazing. Just went for a swim at the beach.... thinking that's another cool way I may want to get into pushing my body, swim along the shore. I live one block away from a beautiful beach!

A little shark swam up to me a few months ago, so I was a bit scared and not taking advantage of the beach lately. but.... I was told these little sharks don't attack people and no recorded shark attacks have ever happened here, so thinking to just get over it.... it is technically not a rational fear (as I write that, the thought "man I am gonna feel dumb when a shark eats me" popped into my head lol) but I have craved more outdoors and adventure in my life and swimming in the ocean is just the thing.... the only thing keeping me away has been the fear.
 
Day 4
Doing well except just before sleep my mind went to a fetish fantasy for a minute or so. Sometimes when that would happen I would ended up diving right into the fantasies within a few days. So part of me thinks maybe I ought to reset my counter. Sigh I guess I will. For this odd reason: I just think it will help me to really stamp out any of that crap and for some odd reason my gut is telling me resetting the counter will help me to stay away from the fantasy for tonight so...

Day 0. (But still making good progress)

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #258 on: July 09, 2019, 05:50:54 PM »
Hey man, some solid reflections, and glad you're still making progress.

Urges/fantasies/triggers are crazy. They'll get us when we're least expecting them (and when we're most expecting them). All we can do is be aware of them and deal with them in the moment sometimes. Laughing at them seems like a great strategy: worrying about them has always made me more anxious and more likely to be triggered to deal with the pain of worrying about relapsing.

I think some people might think your decision to reset the counter for a minute or two of fantasy is a little extreme, but I just want to say that I support it. Sure, the "goal" is no PMO, and the counter is supposed to reflect that. BUT, we can only be successful at that if we're really serious about cutting all the little triggers and "minor" form of our addiction out of our lives. I think your decision to reset shows your commitment to really holding yourself accountable for even the little things. (Sometimes, I have kept multiple counters going, one to keep track of PMO and another to keep track of things like fantasies, just because I think it's useful to still keep track of PMO. But you do what works for you.)

Just keep at it. I'm always impressed by your thoughtfulness and willingness to get to work at fighting this thing.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #259 on: July 09, 2019, 11:36:19 PM »
Thanks man! I think the two counters idea is a good one.

Here to ummm have self awareness and stay aware from my urge. (May have short time)

Tried talking to girls again for the first time in awhile, met a very nice attractive girl (after many failures) we exchanged numbers then she ignroed me after.

Was triggered but made self go out to activity!

Back home VERY strong trigger again, had planned to go out. I was going to skip it but this resulted in a very strong urge. So I got the fuck out even though I was exchausted. Had good time went to bookstore.

Met girl on way back. Felt she was attractive then she actually came home with me.

Two things
1) Once she is here I start worrying she used to be a man or something else is wrong with her. Had this girl rejected me I would have thought she was so hot. Home with me, I look for a reason it can't be real. Some self sabotage. Will expand on later.
2) She is here now, in other room. I was getting all these urges and she seems "wild" and my mind is like cool! I can get her to engage in pmo fantasies. So that is why I am here! To acknowledge this and play it right.

a) NONE of the pmo bs, if we have sex or try to or get physical it is a rewiring opportunity.
b) if she leaves (formally a strong trigger, the lost sex opportunity)- I think that is what ended my big streak..... Just read a bit and sleep. If an urge is strong take a walk or something.

I also see this as a decent opportunity in that if we attempt sex, this girl is on vacation and ummmm not relationship material so if my penis does not work it will be MASSIVE motivation but no big lose.

ALSO: Been getting up and getting shit done in morning so continue that even if a latish night (won't let it get too late tho.)

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #260 on: July 09, 2019, 11:57:14 PM »
Well, uneventful but a good lesson learned. The girl wanted to borrow my underwear to change took it then said she had to go in 15 minutes. Looked close and looked like she may have had small sore on her lips THANK GOD I did not kiss her....

I was pyscho analyzing myself but maybe when I get the girl my thought was accurate. This girl was all "slutty" Porn/stripper looking but up close seems kind of dirty and gross. Man... focus on the wholesome "real" girls in future. Not the mirage of desirability of girls who are basically just wearing a ton of make up and are low on morals.

Anyway, I lost a $3 pair of underwear and she ate some of my food. But other than that she is gone and nothing bad came of it. But man good lesson having standards. That girl was so trashy basically came here cause she was hungry I think. The girls we see in porn/ strip clubs etc. not nearly as good was we think..... take a sweet "real" person girl anyday.

Up close even without PIED not sure my dick would have worked....

Anyway, whatever reason this motivated me. Like this girl came I took control of the fetish fantasys and was not desperate and actually hustled her out even sooner then she wanted to go once I realized she was not a benefit in my life. Feels good. Now off to spend some time reading and then zzzzz.

One last thing..... As I walked with her other dudes looked at me like I was a cool bad ass. My last dates were with the girl that disappeared, sweet eurpean girl, no one thought I was a badass for walking around with her but wow that was a girl I really enjoyed being around and found truly attractive
« Last Edit: July 09, 2019, 11:59:35 PM by Quitforeverthenwin »

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #261 on: July 10, 2019, 07:16:18 PM »
Frankly, it sounds like a really good thing that it all worked out the way it did. No sense wasting your time on something that doesn't have the potential to last.

If I didn't say it here, I said it somewhere, but I'll say it again, lol. One of the side effects of my recovery has been discovering higher standards for the women I'm willing to go out with. You know, in the past I felt like I would be lucky just to have any girl notice me, awkward and addicted and worthless as I felt I was. But now I'm learning to like who I see in the mirror and learning to recognize my good qualities, things that would make me interesting to a quality woman.

Glad you're recognizing that too. You've got a lot going for you, and there's no reason to sell yourself short on a girl who only wants your underwear and food (never thought I'd say that sentence in my life). Sounds like you've had an experience with the kind of girl you're actually looking for, so keep shooting for that.

pichaelthompson

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #262 on: July 11, 2019, 02:10:56 PM »
Agree and relate with BlueHeron %100, another thing I'll add is that it's awesome that you were able to turn a not-so-great experience into motivation. So often when something negative happens to it we (or maybe just me) look at it like everything in life going forward is worse because of it. But when I hear stories of successful people, it was those negative experiences that were necessary to shaping the person they became later on in life. You are doing great living boldly and going for it, and I think you realize that when it doesn't work out there are many positives that come from it. Keep it up!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #263 on: July 11, 2019, 06:44:57 PM »
Great insights guys....

Unfortunately I slipped...
1 MO that night and two the next day....

Back to day 1....

Well right back on the horse. I think it was just an adjustment period to get back to working up the streak.

Goal: 30 days.


I had had dating apps on my phone. Checked it only twice that day but felt the huge dopamine rush and heart beating... never again.
I think that plus having the woman who I only viewed as a sex object/pmo fetish deliverer. Simply was too triggering that early in the streak...

Just gotta remember especially early on, be very careful. Avoid as much sexual stimulation as possible. The huge one is deleted the apps and moving forward: HAVE STANDARDS! Really gotta focus on relationship, will expand on this a bit later... (Dating vs working on life....)

Anyway the slips were so draining. Gotta remember addiction or not man, the clean pmo and mo free life is soooo much better. It adds so much energy. Was so tired and drained with the slips. Looking forward to building it back up and NEVER doing that shit again. The only positive of the slips is I think I am finally really totally re sold on quitting. After losing that really long streak I guess it was hard to recommit to it...

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #264 on: July 11, 2019, 07:02:27 PM »
Sorry to hear it, but you don't need me to tell you to get back on your feet (you're already doing it!)

I think you're right on with avoiding dopamine rush/sexual stimulation as much as possible. It's hard to take the step of cutting it all out, but right now, at least for me, there isn't any okay outlet for that stuff, and it will only lead to PMO if I mess around with it.

I totally support a focus on building relationships over sex/stimulation. That's an important mindset to adopt! Get rid of those apps and live your best life!

It can definitely be hard to get momentum going again after a relapse. I always experience "aftershocks" before I can really get going again. Ride them out and then get back at it!

pichaelthompson

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #265 on: July 12, 2019, 08:57:54 AM »
I have been there before @Quit, when you get back on the horse it almost sometimes feels as if you have too much energy. Being able to channel that excess energy into relationships without being too overly hyper or anxious is still a huge challenge for me, but something I think will pay off in the long run if I just keep working at it. Meditation, working out, telling yourself to stay calm all help to some degree, but the harsh reality is that it takes time and patience more than anything else for my brain to make minuscule changes over the long run, since those habits are deeply ingrained. You got this man, we believe in you!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #266 on: July 12, 2019, 03:24:11 PM »
Day 2

Thanks guys! I do think I am feeling some aftershocks, just quite tired right now. But I started the day right..... did my morning routines (had a good one I had missed for those two days) and went for a nice run. Great idea on exercising more. Running is pretty amazing, I think I ought to organize my workouts more, plan runs not just do haphazard. Running feels really good and can build up my fitness. No reason not to get in all round shape.

Got done an important task that'll help me possibly get a second work gig which is nice, it was tedious and mostly riding in a car but it had to be done so why not be happy with it?

Took two naps today and now feeling a little bit sad. I get this feeling like I am wasting my days off sometimes.....
Still have my lifting to do so will do that. I bet the naps'll pay off and I'll get a good workout in.

Avoiding all dopamine is so true... I have an email I haven't checked in awhile, even thinking of that gave me a little rush so I realized no need to check that email. It somehow triggered this checking for replys/ response. NEVER dating apps again.... That is what killed so many streaks and is the worst. Full on part of the addiction.

Catching up on your journals, good insights there and should be all updated soon!
« Last Edit: July 12, 2019, 03:27:09 PM by Quitforeverthenwin »

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #267 on: July 12, 2019, 06:06:36 PM »
Way to be! It's all progress.

I know the feeling of sadness/guilt that comes with taking it easy. Just today I was a show and I decided to watch one more episode because "it's Friday night." Time to take it easy. I feel pretty good about that decision, but there's still a part of me that's nagging me about how I could have used that hour to do something useful. But rest is useful. Maybe getting in the habit of having lots of naps isn't great, but sometimes it's just what you need, especially if you're struggling to get back on your feet after a relapse. Don't be too hard on yourself for going at your own speed (and not the speed you wish you could go). That's something I'm still trying to learn myself.

And awesome, too, that you're recognizing all the dopamine triggers that are part of the addiction. I feel like that has been a big breakthrough for me. When I was only focused on PMO, I didn't notice all the other things (like social media, video thumbnails, etc.) that were triggering me and contributing to relapses. Recognizing those things for what they were and cutting them out of my life has helped a ton.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #268 on: July 13, 2019, 11:01:35 AM »
Day 3
Thanks man!

Been catching up on journals and it seems like the super intense "I am not doing enough" mindset is common. So that is something to work on for sure.....

I had been writing down three things I am grateful for everyday for the past 1 and a half months of so. I realized this morning I forgot to do it yesterday. The emotions I felt were wildly intense, like something devastating had happened. Then I started rationalizing okay, it was a mistake to have that goal etc. ! (Reminds me a little bit of when I broke my last streak and suddenly now I should try masturbating and not cut it out..... like an imperfection happens and then being like you know I never should have done that in the first place).

Luckily I pulled myself together and wrote out my gratitude stuff and chalked it up to a learning experience, in the grand scheme of things that one day won't affect me, at the same time I do want to keep my commitments. BUT learning to handle set backs outside or internally and keeping going is likely important.

Didn't feel too good today, but went to the beach and felt a bit better. Thinking a therapist will be real helpful, hit a small snag in finding one but will see...

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #269 on: July 13, 2019, 06:26:32 PM »
Hey, I'm sorry you missed a day of gratitude, but I'm glad you got yourself straightened out.

You know, I feel like I've been extra sensitive to small upsets and disappointments in the last few months. I've always been easily discouraged, but it's been more intense lately. Probably because I don't have porn to numb them back down. Either way, I get the feeling. I'm also very familiar with messing up something that's working and then convincing myself it wasn't working. Silly addicted brains playing tricks on us.

Commitment and persistence matter way more than perfection in this fight. A misstep here or there is okay as long as you don't give up on the things that you know are good for you.

Lero

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #270 on: July 14, 2019, 05:17:22 AM »
Hey, I'm sorry you missed a day of gratitude, but I'm glad you got yourself straightened out.

You know, I feel like I've been extra sensitive to small upsets and disappointments in the last few months. I've always been easily discouraged, but it's been more intense lately. Probably because I don't have porn to numb them back down. Either way, I get the feeling. I'm also very familiar with messing up something that's working and then convincing myself it wasn't working. Silly addicted brains playing tricks on us.

Commitment and persistence matter way more than perfection in this fight. A misstep here or there is okay as long as you don't give up on the things that you know are good for you.

Yes, I know how this works. PMO numbs you, like a painkiller. It makes me have no emotions. I mean, it makes me feel nothing when I should, as a reaction to something happening. I couldn't even get sad or angry (about PMO-ing too much). When we stop using PMO like a painkiller, or anti-depressants, whatever you want to call it, we actually experience those emotions but we feel them stronger because we haven't been exposed to them for years. Things should stabilize eventually.

restorationjunkie

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #271 on: July 14, 2019, 08:56:32 AM »
You have some good plans to deal with urges on here. I will keep them in mind myself. How are you seeing progress this month?

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #272 on: July 15, 2019, 10:31:31 AM »
Day 5

I know what you mean, in terms of being more sensitive to small things. Funny enough, I don't remember PMO deadening my emotions, but maybe I have just been fighting it for so long and not fully in it that I can't remember, don't think so though. It would give me a few minutes escape but the negative emotions were right there, and I certainly was not numb about most things.

I had a quite nice day yesterday and a nice morning. I learned a lot.

My social life is really improving. Slowly but surely I feel like I am starting to develop something of a "real social life". I found a new activity I am getting really into, instead of doing a little bit of a million things, I am participating in this one activity as much as I can, running into the same people getting invited to off shoots and hung out with a small group of people to eat and play games afterward last night. Goodness that was so nice. Really made me feel happy and an increased sense of meaning, being part of a group has been something consistently missing from my life.


Anyway, so felt really nice after that, good this morning as well.

A HUGE key for me is practicing mindfulness. I feel much better when I focus on being present. I notice I have the tendency to just burn away loads of energy by getting lost in various exciting fantasies.

Like I felt great this morning and often when I feel great, instead of enjoying the feeling, I start fantasizing about some grandiose victory. I used to be really into sports, I spent an entire bike ride fantasizing in being in this imaginary glorious high pressure situation and winning, over and over and over. To the point my adrenaline was pumping etc. Another example is I was reading these books by Navy seals and I start fantasizing about being a Navy seal and being a war hero etc.

A little embarrassing to write about, but I suppose this sort of thing is normal. You see it in movies and books all the time after all. But for me I can get so lost in fantasy and just lose time. PLUS again, my fantasies can be so intense that I literally have adrenaline pumping, it actually feels like I did just play a sports game or something. Except I didn't, it's just wasted emotional, mental and even physical energy.

Now, it's not the end of the world, but I notice being present really evens out my energy and moods and makes me feel happier. So want to aim for that more and to lower intense fantasies (I think I wrote about this some months back, time to remember it).

This also will greatly aid me in killing the PMO nonsense in my head, all of that junk lives in my fantasy world. I read about this, fantasy can be addictive. People spend more and more time in fantasy and less time enjoying and improving their lives, this their lives deteriorate and they want to spend more time in fantasy......

Edit: Just read what I wrote and to briefly expand.
1) The level of energy is wild! Like my heart way goes waaayyyy up like I am in a real fight or something. 2) It's like a general habit of literally using all of the positive energy. Just feeling it and then going into these fantasies until I drain it all away.
« Last Edit: July 15, 2019, 10:34:57 AM by Quitforeverthenwin »

pichaelthompson

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #273 on: July 15, 2019, 01:03:18 PM »
I think that kind of fantasizing is something very natural, and I'm sure many others including me can relate to this on a deep level. We all want to feel like the hero in our own story, but it often doesn't feel like that way in real life. To "scratch that itch" for lack of a better term, we sometimes have to change what a perception of being a hero is in our minds: for some its being a loving and protecting parent, for others it might be achieving a high skill in some type of job field, for others it might be going on a long PMO streak and having the confidence to never turn to PMO again, and it could also be a combination of many things. We are all on the "hero's journey" to rid ourselves of PMO, it's just not a story that would necessarily be a blockbuster if it were a movie so sometimes our brains want to find a more interesting goal to achieve, regardless of the importance it has to our physical and mental health. Keep on going, you're doing great!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #274 on: July 15, 2019, 07:45:36 PM »
I think that kind of fantasizing is something very natural, and I'm sure many others including me can relate to this on a deep level. We all want to feel like the hero in our own story, but it often doesn't feel like that way in real life. To "scratch that itch" for lack of a better term, we sometimes have to change what a perception of being a hero is in our minds: for some its being a loving and protecting parent, for others it might be achieving a high skill in some type of job field, for others it might be going on a long PMO streak and having the confidence to never turn to PMO again, and it could also be a combination of many things. We are all on the "hero's journey" to rid ourselves of PMO, it's just not a story that would necessarily be a blockbuster if it were a movie so sometimes our brains want to find a more interesting goal to achieve, regardless of the importance it has to our physical and mental health. Keep on going, you're doing great!

Wow, that's an awesome thought! I want to second that wholeheartedly!

And I'm right with you on mindfulness. Centering myself on the present  has been a huge help to me in recovery this year. Plus, I've read enough studies that talk about how meditation can physically change the brain to make me think there's really something to using mindfulness and meditation as a way to heal from addiction.

Keep it going!