Author Topic: My journal to recovery- Could use support  (Read 2316 times)

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 360
    • View Profile
My journal to recovery- Could use support
« on: March 12, 2019, 06:15:42 PM »
Hey everybody, I came pretty far in my recovery and have no been on this forum in awhile, but unfortunately have had several lapses. Last night and this morning being the worst. I am rededicated and it already seems like a long time ago. The lapses were really my fault. I found what works to beat this, and stopped doing it just a bit too early.

I almost felt a bit ashamed to come back to the forum with the same screen name, as I just wanted to have this done in one journal (I previously had one) but hell, it is what it is. I have found things that work very well to keep me away from my past compulsive masturbation, porn and fantasy behaviors, it's just a matter of keeping them up for a bit longer, and keeping some of them a permanent part of my life.

An issue I have, is I tend to like to pretend I don't have problems. I DO NOT want to turn into a cry fest woah is me type of deal. But maybe it does not hurt to ask for additional support and advice... so especially for guys who have successfully beaten this I would appreciate a bit of tips and encouragement. 

Additionally I find calling friends helps me with other issues, so I may look into an accountability partner/ network as well.

A bit about me:

I had no idea this was an issue for years, but my dick did not work. I was this awkward guy, but I busted my ass to learn to be able to date women. I never became great but managed to get several women in bed, all with my dick not working. A mentor/friend told me about your brain on porn .com and to stop watching porn and masturbating. ( I was I think 23 at the time) and for the first time I really enjoyed sex just two weeks later! Unfortunately the chaser effect got me and I'd go back and forth. Eventually I totally quite masturbating to porn. about 3 years ago now! But I would still look at it and masturbate after....

I had a little bad luck... I had a girlfriend who I engaged with porn induced fetishes with, that set me back and actually started giving me my PED again! I cut that out, things were going swimmingly, I was stepping it up and then I was trying to cut out fantasy of my porn induced fetishes, the withdrawal was strong but I was doing it! I decided to sign up for a 12 step program (sex addicts anonymous) for support......

I was in it but not that "into it" but over and over I heard "you are powerless" "you can not control your actions etc." and was pressured into doing all this crazy stuff. Like feeling powerless and praying and stuff and I relapsed!!!!! I stayed in the group and got worse and worse.... it was the opposite of recovery!!! Instead of rationally building discipline and changing the habit, it made it far worse as when you tell yourself you can not control your addiction it gets worse!!! How foolish I was to be in that group. (In the group they teach you the only way is 12 step, I did research and find 12 step actually has a super low success rate, but they brainwash people into talking it up).

Anyway, I left the group, it took my years to get to a 30 day streak again, as I had lost quite a bit of discipline and stopped dating which hurt me bad! (rewiring was huge!) Now I have had several streaks like that, but recently have moved cities and started lapsing about twice a week. No matter that is all in the past, what has worked for me of recent, I will simply rationally work on more of that.

Smart recovery (not meetings the manual) - A science based program, it really helps me get rid of all the bs I learned in 12 step. It's simple, you focus on building motivation, writing out what is motivating you, and coming up with strategies to avoid things that bring about urges and to handle them when they show up. (pretty much similiar to what most of us are doing here). - When reading through that manual and working on the exercises for 30 min a day I never slipped. (So just do that till the habit is dead, stop being a lazy ass and skipping it until I slip again).

Journaling!- Journaling here helped me in getting my first 30+ days lapse free since I had been brainwashed into losing my willpower in the 12 step group.

7 steps of highly effective people- This book has a 30 day "be proactive challenge" essentially it's all about acting in spite of your feelings, go all out for 30 days. This really ups my willpower and control of my self.

Simply put I will implement these three things that have worked for me in the past, in order to really beat this once and for all. As well as asking for a bit more support and encouragement as that can not hurt. Therefore having a real like get rid of these lame ass compulsions super program lol.

Also, I moved to a warm great city, it's great for my mood. But I ought to be careful about looking at the women too much.

Anyway, thanks for reading, hope you all are having a great day!

Circle

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 32
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #1 on: March 12, 2019, 06:59:54 PM »
Hey everybody, I came pretty far in my recovery and have no been on this forum in awhile, but unfortunately have had several lapses. Last night and this morning being the worst. I am rededicated and it already seems like a long time ago. The lapses were really my fault. I found what works to beat this, and stopped doing it just a bit too early.

I almost felt a bit ashamed to come back to the forum with the same screen name, as I just wanted to have this done in one journal (I previously had one) but hell, it is what it is. I have found things that work very well to keep me away from my past compulsive masturbation, porn and fantasy behaviors, it's just a matter of keeping them up for a bit longer, and keeping some of them a permanent part of my life.

An issue I have, is I tend to like to pretend I don't have problems. I DO NOT want to turn into a cry fest woah is me type of deal. But maybe it does not hurt to ask for additional support and advice... so especially for guys who have successfully beaten this I would appreciate a bit of tips and encouragement. 

Additionally I find calling friends helps me with other issues, so I may look into an accountability partner/ network as well.

A bit about me:

I had no idea this was an issue for years, but my dick did not work. I was this awkward guy, but I busted my ass to learn to be able to date women. I never became great but managed to get several women in bed, all with my dick not working. A mentor/friend told me about your brain on porn .com and to stop watching porn and masturbating. ( I was I think 23 at the time) and for the first time I really enjoyed sex just two weeks later! Unfortunately the chaser effect got me and I'd go back and forth. Eventually I totally quite masturbating to porn. about 3 years ago now! But I would still look at it and masturbate after....

I had a little bad luck... I had a girlfriend who I engaged with porn induced fetishes with, that set me back and actually started giving me my PED again! I cut that out, things were going swimmingly, I was stepping it up and then I was trying to cut out fantasy of my porn induced fetishes, the withdrawal was strong but I was doing it! I decided to sign up for a 12 step program (sex addicts anonymous) for support......

I was in it but not that "into it" but over and over I heard "you are powerless" "you can not control your actions etc." and was pressured into doing all this crazy stuff. Like feeling powerless and praying and stuff and I relapsed!!!!! I stayed in the group and got worse and worse.... it was the opposite of recovery!!! Instead of rationally building discipline and changing the habit, it made it far worse as when you tell yourself you can not control your addiction it gets worse!!! How foolish I was to be in that group. (In the group they teach you the only way is 12 step, I did research and find 12 step actually has a super low success rate, but they brainwash people into talking it up).

Anyway, I left the group, it took my years to get to a 30 day streak again, as I had lost quite a bit of discipline and stopped dating which hurt me bad! (rewiring was huge!) Now I have had several streaks like that, but recently have moved cities and started lapsing about twice a week. No matter that is all in the past, what has worked for me of recent, I will simply rationally work on more of that.

Smart recovery (not meetings the manual) - A science based program, it really helps me get rid of all the bs I learned in 12 step. It's simple, you focus on building motivation, writing out what is motivating you, and coming up with strategies to avoid things that bring about urges and to handle them when they show up. (pretty much similiar to what most of us are doing here). - When reading through that manual and working on the exercises for 30 min a day I never slipped. (So just do that till the habit is dead, stop being a lazy ass and skipping it until I slip again).

Journaling!- Journaling here helped me in getting my first 30+ days lapse free since I had been brainwashed into losing my willpower in the 12 step group.

7 steps of highly effective people- This book has a 30 day "be proactive challenge" essentially it's all about acting in spite of your feelings, go all out for 30 days. This really ups my willpower and control of my self.

Simply put I will implement these three things that have worked for me in the past, in order to really beat this once and for all. As well as asking for a bit more support and encouragement as that can not hurt. Therefore having a real like get rid of these lame ass compulsions super program lol.

Also, I moved to a warm great city, it's great for my mood. But I ought to be careful about looking at the women too much.

Anyway, thanks for reading, hope you all are having a great day!
welcome back to the forum, im in a similar situation as you. rebooted twice in my 20s and now struggling with relapses every 2 weeks or so. my pied hasnt come back yet but i know its just a matter of time if i dont cut it out!

but im staying strong. going to post here every say until im good again. good luck man, you can do it and werr all pulling for you

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 360
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #2 on: March 13, 2019, 12:14:57 PM »
Thanks for the support! Great that you are catching it before your PIED comes back!!!! It's a reminder to always stay vigilant and go super super hard about cutting this shit out. It reminds me of how shitty it felt to be with a girl I really like and go soft, had that experience a few times, it was just awful..... in a way it is good to remember, remember those awful experiences as motivation to reboot and stay rebooted now rather than have to go through them again...

Really appreciate the support

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 360
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #3 on: March 13, 2019, 12:27:07 PM »
Day 1 (Yesterday my relapse from the previous night extended to the next morning, that was before posting here). So anyway, I still consider yesterday a mostly good day. I got some work done that I had been procrastinating on that had scared me, I studied and I put a lot into reading positive books. That is something that has always been very powerful for me, put good stuff into my brain (reading and listening) and good stuff comes out later (thoughts and feelings).

I am grateful for a nice coping tool I used yesterday. I did not receive an answer to a phone call, and decided that the person on the other end hated me and then when I had an issue with a tech thing connected to them, that they had cancelled my account without telling me! (this all happened in my head based on a tech issue and a  non returned phone call). I was so mad and emotional it was insane. Anyway, luckily I thought I can choose to dispute this and I utilized the ABCDE tool, for disputing thoughts. I wrote out my beliefs and disputed them (how the fuck do I know any of this is true? I have had other wild fantasies like this that were wrong, so this one may be too...) I did not totally calm down, but was 70% calmer....

Turns out the call was returned Today (the next day) and the guy was super cool and handled my issue lol. Anyway, it's good to learn to be less dramatic etc.

I'll also mention I was quite "jumpy" yestarday I went for a walk and kept thinking I saw people and animals and shit when the wind blew the branches weird lol.... I'll just blame the porn on that, it just plain fucks the brain up. (So let's add feeling like a schizofrenic to a good reason to not use porn or masturbate (for me that has to go as well)

Today, I have the day mostly free. I planned it out. I had a lot of nightmares last night and slept a lot, but I am controlling myself well. Just taking good actions, like working out, working on smart, journaling here and getting some work done later.

Hmmm, that is it really for now. I am a bit excited at all the healthy things I am doing but also slightly worried, feeling a slight fear about my ability to cut out porn masturbation etc. forever.

BUT, I can build that confidence, by taking the right actions and reminding myself over and over at the end of the day, I can choose to keep my commitment and cut that shit out of my life!
« Last Edit: March 13, 2019, 12:30:15 PM by Quitforeverthenwin »

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 275
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #4 on: March 13, 2019, 07:41:56 PM »
This is the place for support--welcome back! I know you asked for tips, but it looks like you have a lot of good resources and tips yourself. I'd love to know more about the things you do keep yourself moving forward. Relapses happen, but it's the quality of the progress in between that really counts.

I've been working lately on becoming a healthier person all-around. Stopping PMO is one thing, but I think it's only one symptom of larger problems that I'm working to figure out and address in healthier ways. It can be harder progress to measure, but I really feel like I'm making better progress than before.

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 360
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #5 on: March 14, 2019, 09:55:10 AM »
Thanks for the support and the encouragement! I definitely agree with how crucial it is to become a healthy person all around. Something suddenly came up so I am now behind in my day, just wanted to post here real quick with an update, but either tonight or tomorrow I will go more in detail about some of the things that are working for me and what I've learned about being a healthier person in general. 

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 360
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #6 on: March 14, 2019, 10:04:11 AM »
Day 2
Okay, so as my last post suggested (directed at blue hero fan! So rushed I forgot to quote) I am super rushed but wanted to at least post in here quick. (somehow asked me a favor that was time sensitive so losing a few hours of my afternoon and gotta rush there, it's all good though).

Anyway, I am seeing the effects of my last lapse, some anxiety and bizarre thoughts. (I get quite a bit of negative ideas about people, in a way it feels like isolation feeds the addictive behaviors and the addictive behaviors encourage more isolation. But, I have been managing this stuff pretty well. Exercise is HUGE! The right type, things like jogging, swimming, yoga are the best a little lifting is good too. These things seem to really help clear the mind.

Disputing my thoughts is HUGE, I get these feelings that I am "certain" that somehow is a jerk out to get me or something, then once I dispute the thoughts it was the dumbest idea ever, like so in accurate. So, I will keep that up.

I read something cool today, I will try and post a screenshot of the page later. The book "the willpower instinct" talked about how people who are the MOST confident often fail at changing habits! This was an interesting insight, basically it seemed like a healthy fear of your bad habits and triggers is a good thing. This made sense to me as my lapses were caused by arrogance! "Ahhh, I am not gonna do it I can stay in bed even when not tired (huge trigger for me)" "aaahhh I am fine, I can skip working on exercises from smart" those are what led to my lapses. So this is a great insight, to know I can control this, but still to have a healthy concern and always being just a little bit vigilant. It also allays my fear of my losing some confidence at my last slip... I don't need to be perfectly confident, I just need to put in the work and be willing to pay the price to get rid of these bad habits.

Be willing to push through my feelings and do things if I don't feel like it. Be willing to work really hard to change habits and be willing to occasionally not sleep at night. (The silly rationalizations are like "oh you can't sleep, you gotta pmo to get to sleep" it's total bullshit cause normally I would sleep EVEN less, then if I had just stayed up and waited for the urge to pass. Anyways, maybe not the most organized post, in a big rush! Back tomorrow or tonight if I can. 


EDIT: (writing this about 7 hours later): Was feeling pretty bad for most of the day, but funny enough the thing that helps is just pushing through it. It's like, I can get work done and do things and feel a little "off" or do nothing and feel awful. This is motivation to cut this shit out of my life! It is REALLY REALLY important! Also, I notice a big pattern for me is, if someone does not answer a text message. I immediately come up with a whole story, I create a catastrophe in my mind.  I nearly always assume I am being ignored or the person is mad, so far I have been wrong EVERY SINGLE TIME.... So, it is good I am recording this and disputing my thought.

I did have a very good moment this morning, I meditated a lot and felt suddenly present, it was really nice. I have an extra 30 minutes, I am very tired but will do a light workout just for the serotonin and dopamine boost.
« Last Edit: March 14, 2019, 05:43:41 PM by Quitforeverthenwin »

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 360
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #7 on: March 14, 2019, 05:49:15 PM »
This is the place for support--welcome back! I know you asked for tips, but it looks like you have a lot of good resources and tips yourself. I'd love to know more about the things you do keep yourself moving forward. Relapses happen, but it's the quality of the progress in between that really counts.

I've been working lately on becoming a healthier person all-around. Stopping PMO is one thing, but I think it's only one symptom of larger problems that I'm working to figure out and address in healthier ways. It can be harder progress to measure, but I really feel like I'm making better progress than before.
Thanks again for the encouragement! I highly recommend the smart manual... It's $10. Smart is an addiction recovery program. I don't like the meetings, but the manual is really good. It's about 1) building motivation 2) handling urges then (the stuff you are looking for) 3) changing thought patterns and habit and 4) replacing the addictive behaviors with healthier activities.

Here are some free helpful (for me articles)

For me something CRUCIAL is the ABCDE tool
https://www.smartrecovery.org/smart-recovery-toolbox/abc-crash-course/
And working on frustration tolerance, having an addictive behaviour often leads to/ is fed by low frustration tolerance:
https://www.smartrecovery.org/help-for-low-frustration-tolerance/

https://shop.smartrecovery.org/product/books/smart-recovery-handbook-3rd-edition/

Finally I think learning and exercise are two huge keys. Learning can replace the addiction and exercise literally changes the brain for the better.

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 360
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #8 on: March 15, 2019, 12:58:57 AM »
Now, being it's nearly 2:00 am where I am, you may be expecting something bad but actually I had a very good night! I will be off to bed soon but two key points.

1) Beware of "feel good cravings" two very attractive girls are renting the apartment next to me, we had a friendly convo, I wanted to hang out with them, my mind started to sort of think of wow it'd be fun to hang out... etc. --> Being very catious and aware of sexual thought is a good thing! Arrogance "I am just imaging stuff with real girls is fine" led to me relapses, it starts with that, then more intense fantasies then lapse.... No more! Just live in the real world, interact with girls avoid looking at their bodies. It makes for better conversations and a better chance of actually dating them anyway.... no girl dates a dude cause he is leering at her and fantasizing about a girl makes talking harder and makes me nervous. So glad I caught that.

2) Pushing through emotions is key! I went out with a very gung ho positive friend and was just social! I felt loads of anxiety (damn addiction) but pushed through and through and through literally for hours! But by the end of the night I had an amazing time, talked to guys and girls felt social and so much better and more motivated. What a lesson, it's wild. If I just push through feelings long enough, eventually they go away. I feel that pushing through until I broke through and actually FELT social. (The feeling followed the action.... long after actually it took awhile with many ups and downs) was a great step AWAY from the addictive behaviour breaking from isolation.

Another note on that, may sound odd but having prepared jokes and things to say was very helpful, I felt awful and non social, but when I had a prepared joke to say that I know consistently works, I could say it get a laugh and feel better. Worked quite well, celebrities do it (they usually have prepared cool stories and jokes etc. for talk shows which lowers nervousness, so why not me?

May not have time to post tomorrow AM. But I see how life feeds itself, being social fed my motivation and mood which I can parley into my work as well.

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 360
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #9 on: March 15, 2019, 09:30:39 PM »
Edit: Today was day 3 by the way

Hey everybody. Today had a few stressful events. Had a commuting issue that threw me off schedule. It really threw the schedule off pretty good. Oh well.

Also, in my city there are some crazy parties with shady characters happening and a lot of fights. It was really stressful even being out. There has been some violence and I am worried. Like "oh no, it's always gonna be like this, I love this city and it won't be the same". It really is very different than usual and much more than ever in the past. BUT, it was not this way a few weeks ago. (I live in a very touristy part of a touristy city). So I think I ought to calm down, it's one wild week, it will not necessarily (in fact it likely won't) always be like this.

Focus was shit this evening during mediation but at least I did it.

I don't "feel" like it BUT I 110% am going to spend 30 minutes working through my smart book before bed. Siggghhh. I have work tomorrow but hopefully Sunday can be a nice day to recharge. Also, I gotta look on the bright side, I did so much productive stuff yestarday and even did a lot of necessary things today. Support always apreciated (especially on a rougher day like today). hope you all have a good an PMO free weekend!

Edit: Some urges coming and going still BUT, happy that I consciously did healthy activities to overcome my stress and had a very nice 30 minutes or so of calm, then worked on smart and studied a bit! Happy with that.
« Last Edit: March 15, 2019, 11:47:52 PM by Quitforeverthenwin »

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 360
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #10 on: March 16, 2019, 08:04:13 PM »
Day 4!
Today, you know I should say was good.... There were a few little stresses but my emotions were a lot more balanced then they were in the past. I am still ruminating about one thing so I will do a ABCDE for it.

Also, I saw a lot of women out today, and by the end of the day was looking at some of them. This is something for me to cut out. Maybe I can get away with it but why?

I had a HUGE victory last night. I had this compulsion to check my phone, I was so close to doing it... But I realized that that checking the phone was connected to my porn and masturbatiion habit seriously....

I'll compulsively check my phone, work myself into a state, want to look up a picture of girls cause I am lonely. It is a snowball effect. I wanted to check my phone so fucking bad, but I said "I can choose not to!" and I did not!!! I walked over shut my phone off and put it in a drawer and went to sleep without even looking at it again that night!

This was huge, as this, I know from experience, was the beginning of my big bad craving/urge that was going to be intense and I shut it down right at the very start and that made things far easier.

So, I'll always stay vigilant! Some wildness going on in my city, but I can perhaps uber to a different part of down to not be in the house all evening but avoid drunk people/ people fighting etc.


BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 275
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #11 on: March 16, 2019, 08:23:15 PM »
Thanks for posting those links--I'll be sure to give them a closer look when I have more time!

It really does sound like we're in a similar spot. I realized just the other day that I was looking at women around town, which isn't helpful to me or them. It's definitely something I've been working on.

Wow, you're right about the arrogance thing. Now that I think about it, I think I always run into trouble when I start thinking that I'm doing pretty good, that maybe I've finally got it under control. That's when disaster strikes. I've definitely been working on changing my mindset so that I can be confident but not overconfident, hopeful that I'll learn to manage this addiction but not to the point that I let my guard down.

Glad you're making progress--keep on going strong!

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 360
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #12 on: March 17, 2019, 04:13:37 PM »
Day 5. Hey everyone. I am happy to say I had some urges but have been handling them well. Taking the time to write and THINK is so critical, I am working on the smart book each day. I notice odd feelings like not wanting to commit to NOT looking at girls. It's like woah that is such an irrational feeling. I took like 10 minutes writing about it to make sure I thouroughly knew not to listen to that feeling.

Now it makes no sense, but at the time of the emotion it was this odd thing like, "I can't commit to not looking at girls! It's okay it's not pmo! What if I fail and look at a girl it'll discourage and trigger me". I took the time and came to the conclusion.

1) Looking at girls bodies is not helpful to my reboot and can lead to strengthened urges.
2) They are real girls, but I can not rationalize staring at their bodies..... leering at a girl won't get me dates or friends. How about actually TALKING to them? Looking at there faces, seeing them as people?
If I really want a full social and dating life, like I claim I do. I can't be compulsively looking at girls bodies, thats just not socially appropriate, learn to be comfortable and normal around women, this is necessary for dating and being social.


On that note, I originally came to write about noticing my habits, some bad ones! But, it is good to be aware.

I ended up in a long conversation with some girls today, at times they seemed interested at other times not, eventually it fizzled out. But it was a long fun convo....

As soon as I walked away, I CAUGHT myself starting to feel bad... I noticed, that I nearly ALWAYS do that, I have a social interaction, it's pretty good and as soon as it ends, I make myself sad and regretful about it for one reason or the other. My mind is like honing missel trying to find everything that went wrong.

It is bizarre, but I am glad that I noticed it! If I am aware of this tendency it is weaker and I can change it.

I remember reading once that "depression takes lots of work", this really hit home! I notice my mind is going through quite a bit of gymnastics to turn something into a negative and find the negative. This is a wake up call, I am becoming aware that... honestly I am a far more negative person than I thought I was. I am gregarious and normally keep it inside, but internally I really do focus on the negative and look for it for more than I knew.... this is not a bad thing.... because if my mood is say a 4 or a 5 out of 10 now on average, when I take the time to change these negative habits perhaps it goes up to a 6 or 7 (which is pretty good! Aiming to always be deliriously happy is unrealistic in my opinion).

So anyway, I am glad I caught myself doing this, it is a definite pattern after many interactions, beating myself up. I really am going to be aware of this and make efforts to retrain my mind to look for the positive, be less hard on myself and have more realistic expectations. (Having a friendly convo with 4 girls I never met is actually really good! What is my mind thinking, like if they don't all beg me to hang out or party or hook up with them that it was a big loss? makes no sense).

As I wrote this I also realized, I had WANTED to interact with girls and humanize them instead of staring at there bodies. That is exactly what I did! I looked away very close to every time I caught myself looking at womens bodies and had long conversations with women just what I planned! So this is a big win and should be thought of as a positive!

About to eat some healthy food, and plan the rest of my day i suppose I actually have a good bit of free time which I haven't had too much of lately. (In part due to my own poor planning)

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 275
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #13 on: March 17, 2019, 08:41:36 PM »
Good insights, man!

I know exactly what you mean about feeling bad about social interactions after the fact. I always find myself feeling really weird and stressed after sending an email, writing a text, etc. After a few minutes, I ask myself, Why do I feel so weird? And then I realize, Oh, it's just because I sent an email. Like it's not a rational thing, just some kind of weird reaction I have to putting myself out there in any way. Just something to be aware of and work on, I guess.

I also get not wanting to commit to not looking at girls like that. I was listening to something recently about how our addictions are our mind and body's way of taking care of us in response to some distress. It's not a healthy response, but it still comes out of some impulse to take care of an unfulfilled need. Part of what I've been thinking about is what "positive" I get out of my addiction. And, frankly, the positive is that it gets me away from stress for a period of time (it is worse after, but that's still the motivation most of the time, I think). So, to make it shorter, it makes sense that you don't quite want to just up and commit because looking at women or porn does provide some benefit (a rush of dopamine that fills some gap in life). The trick, I guess, is to recognize what benefit the addiction provides and then to find healthier ways to find the same benefit. For me, that's involved slowing down the pace of my life, taking time out to meditate when my emotions get too intense, and just trying to take care of myself physically and emotionally so I deal with stress in a better way than zoning out to porn. So, I'd ask, what do you get out of leering at girls that you might be subconsciously reluctant to give up--and how can you get a similar benefit in a healthier way?

I don't know if that makes a lot of sense. I've only started thinking about it recently, but it feels like an important thing for me to understand.

Stay strong!

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 360
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #14 on: March 17, 2019, 10:26:49 PM »
Good insights! I may get back to you on that answer and do some thinking about it honestly. But I have some ideas. You know what, on second thought it ties in to what I came here to post about.

I thought I had a date for Tuesday but it fell through. I was a little annoyed about something it looking forward to it was buoying me up a bit. I took good care of myself today for the most part, so the emotions are actually a bit less intense than usual!

You know, I think a big big part of the addiction is, it's, as you said an escape a way to be sexual that is always there. Anytime you can go find a woman and look at her body. But the real world of being social and dating is messy and I can get frustrated. This does not mean to avoid it, it is something for me to work on.

I was quite excited to go on a date with this girl and was using it to look forward to and relax, then suddenly she cancelled very finally and aggressively. I feel pretty okay now, but in the past I'd feel very very upset.

So, I think that is it. Me wanting to use socializing and relationships and sex as a thing that is always there to boost me up, loose myself etc. but those things don't work that way. You can't control other people sometimes they are frustrating. So the replacement is the stuff I've been doing. Yes, I want to be social and I don't want to isolate myself. But it is necessary to have fun activities that nourish me and calm and rejuvenate me that I can do no matter what that are within my control.

Also here is the positive, really I made a mistake in setting the date up with this girl, and she made it very very clear what it was. I got a bit romantic on the text, saying we could walk along the beach. This is NOT a movie, that is actually a bit weird and made things too formal for her (we don't know each other well). I have learned from great teachers dates with women should never feel like a big deal. In early dates a girl does not want a geeky guy in a button up shirt giving her flowers, she wants to do something cool and it all to seem like no big deal to him. At least my generation and experience. Oh well lesson learned. I want to check my phone again but I can choose not too! Going to not check any more messages, eat some healthy food study a little bit and ready some good books until I sleep!

pichaelthompson

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 90
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #15 on: March 17, 2019, 10:45:02 PM »
Hey man, that's awesome that you're managing your emotions and thoughts so well, keep it up! I love the insight that you can't control other people; all we can do is accept what others do and control what we can control (ourselves). While I know being alone isn't ideal, things could be worse; isolation could actually be insightful in small doses, especially if you are doing something fulfilling and fun, such as reading something enjoyable, meditating, pursuing other interests, etc. try to enjoy our own company (if that makes any sense haha)

I wouldn't worry too much about getting a girl too quickly- the process will become easier and more enjoyable as you go farther along your streak, if you focus on improving yourself more the attraction will become very natural and organic!

As far as casual first dates, my best experiences have been at bars and concerts :)

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 360
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #16 on: March 18, 2019, 03:58:59 PM »
Thanks bro! Thanks for the support, and that totally makes sense about the doses of being alone. Definetly going to keep that in mind and work on that. Sounds good, I'll be patient up the streak, improve myself let the dates happen as I progress. Important for me to be reminded of that right now. Good call, going to invite to a bar next time.


Hey man, that's awesome that you're managing your emotions and thoughts so well, keep it up! I love the insight that you can't control other people; all we can do is accept what others do and control what we can control (ourselves). While I know being alone isn't ideal, things could be worse; isolation could actually be insightful in small doses, especially if you are doing something fulfilling and fun, such as reading something enjoyable, meditating, pursuing other interests, etc. try to enjoy our own company (if that makes any sense haha)

I wouldn't worry too much about getting a girl too quickly- the process will become easier and more enjoyable as you go farther along your streak, if you focus on improving yourself more the attraction will become very natural and organic!

As far as casual first dates, my best experiences have been at bars and concerts :)

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 360
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #17 on: March 18, 2019, 04:10:00 PM »
Day 6

A little update. Last night I was a bit unhappy with, but honestly I don't think I really should be. I caught myself fantasizing about a girl for a bit in bed and I very briefly saw my mind go and fantasize about some porn induced fetishes, luckily I pulled my mind away each time. But man did it take effort. I ended up I believe dreaming about some sex and porn fetishes, I woke up feeling like I had broken my streak and bit down... But, our dreams we can not control, so no reason to be upset about it. It's all part of moving forward.

HOWEVER, I did realize. I could of handled my cravings better. For me I MUST, when I get cravings in bed at night, get out of the bed and do something else, even if for just a minute and repeat it until it goes away or I fall asleep. My most dangerous trigger is laying in bed at night.

I also realize, analysis is good but some parts of this are not about analysis. I just have to be tough. I can't analyze my way out of everything, sometimes it is just fucking hard and I gotta do it cause I want to heal BAD and gotta remind myself of that. NO matter how tired I am if I see my mind going to fetish fantasy I gotta get the hell out of the bed immediately or I am fucked, I know this from experience. So next time it happens, (prob tonight honestly, having urges and thoughts today) I am getting the hell out of bed. As if a snake were in the bed.

I can't analyze my way out of it, occasionally I will have a night with little sleep, just hopping out of bed or not being able to be in bed as it is too triggering. But the magic is, I lost wayyyy more sleep acting on it. If I engage in the fantasy I stay up all night anyway but fantasizing or PMOing and then I get insomnia for other nights too. So I do have to accept that part of this, is just not always sleeping perfectly, but everyone has bad nights of sleep here and there and in the long run I'll still get more sleep.

But to reiterate, something important to my recovery is the DECISION and commitment, that I am willing to stay up all night until a craving subsides. Just be willing to do that and not be a wimp who doesn't want to get out of bed when tired even when an addiction is literally on its way to basically screw my life.

In other news, pretty good day today. Hectic day at work but I felt I performed fairly well. Did a slighly lengthened meditation to ground myself, for the first time in 4 days or more my visualization was excellent and focused so I felt far better after. Also I squeezed in a little extra workout even thought I "had no time today". The rest of the day should be good, a few things to do and yoga which makes me feel great (I never ever want to go but I almost always feel soo much better after, it makes my body feel good gets rid of tension I didn't know I had and this in turn makes my mind feel good and calm too, at least for awhile)

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 360
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #18 on: March 18, 2019, 04:50:19 PM »
Short time ^ accurate up there. Some strong cravings in waves. Probably going to be a hard evening and night. Its okay just gotta be prepared. Today is going to be about fighting the addiction, I am ready. The cravings comes, go to something else, over and over and over. It's not the hardest thing in the world. People have run 100 miles without stopping, crossed deserts etc. It is what it is. Going to look at this as a good thing, each time the urge pops up and I do a healthy activity instead, I am weakening the addiction weakening those bad wires in my brain

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 275
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #19 on: March 18, 2019, 07:27:55 PM »
Hang in there, man! This is where it really counts, and it's great to hear that you're approaching this wave of urges with a specific plan. Stick to your guns, and don't let these urges talk you into something you'll regret!

Best of luck with the night. I'm rooting for you!

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 360
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #20 on: March 18, 2019, 10:29:27 PM »
Thanks bro! I will stay vigilant, but I am happy to report that after around 4 hours of socializing and physical activity the urges have nearly entirely subsided! I came here to post about something else and nearly forgot how strong they were before.



Doing one of my activities, I decided I had an enemy lol. I pick a little something that someone seems to have done to me, and decide they hate me and they treat me differently from anyone else. I just had my mind on this person and being annoyed with them, later on they started talking to me and were super nice........ I went as far as wanting to quit going to this place and burn a bunch of bridges.

It shows me goodness, I have such large large holes in my mindset and thoughts and just ability to socialize with people. I just get upset too easily and have these wildly irrational self-sabotaging thoughts that make me want to isolate myself and quit things that are good for me. I am not writing this as a woah is me. I actually feel good that I am aware of this and how irrational my thoughts are and happy that I have not been acting on them. It is massive room for improvement just keep recoring them and disputing them over and over, meditate stay sober etc. when these are gone, wow my life will be a lot easier and better

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 360
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #21 on: March 18, 2019, 11:06:08 PM »
Just to record so I do not forgot. I was going to write this the other day, if only I can learn to apply my brains creativity and intelligence to perhaps business or solving a world problem and not to creating urges and triggers lol. My brain can make the wildest connections to create an urge. Here is what just happened.

I am reading a book about a climber, he mentioned he never saw snow until he was 12 and it created his enthusiasm for climbing. Well, I thought there are everygreen trees in snowy areas. Oh everygreen trees, I was talking to this family at work and making small talk, I pointed out a tree that looks like an everygreen tree, that one girl agreed with me.. omg her body wow... etc. My mind wanted to jump right into fantasy land but I was well aware of it.

And all that happened in probably half a second.

My two hours of being urge free was nice while it lasted lol. At least not as intense I'd say a 4 outta 10.
Book about a climber-> Tree-> fantasize about girls body and the connections all make sense in my mind lol. I had one far crazier one yestarday, like my mind moved a few letters around of something I read and made sound like someone I saw in porn, what creativity, maybe once I get clean of this I should start looking for hidden patterns in the stock market..... lol
« Last Edit: March 18, 2019, 11:08:54 PM by Quitforeverthenwin »

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 360
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #22 on: March 19, 2019, 08:08:12 AM »
Day 7 I think? ( or 8? wil correct later).

In a rush only have a minute. So my "ohh great I feel better now, no cravings!" post was wrong lol. As I originally assumed had some strong cravings. Woke up feeling like fried shit. BUT reminding myself had I PMOed or something it'd be WAY worse, literally aside from my disappointment I would have slept even less and my brain gets all fucked up like straight up depression.

Mind kept going in to fantasy I think I could have stopped it sooner but I was pulling myself out of it every couple of seconds. I had one period where I was thinking about kissing a girl for maybe 2 minutes which even that I should have cut out. I did as I planned getting out of bed. The tough part was I woke up every few hours with strong cravings! I'd be half asleep and wake up and have like half a second to stop my mind. I woke up in a crazy sweat a few hours after falling asleep, then again at 4:00 am, the breakthrough was at 4:00 couldn't get rid of my cravings so I left my apartment and walked around for awhile, this was like a reset and get rid of it mostly.

Then I studied and finally fell back asleep. It was hard it kind of sucked at first, but I just got out of bed and didn't try to force myself to sleep it was much better. So this is how I ought to treat the crazy cravings at night... just treat them as insomnia. Don't try and force self to sleep just chill about it and LEAVE the apartment (if needed or as a step 1) then do other stuff like study until I get tired again. (Reading in bed is nice but not enough the thoughts and fantasies come in strong, must be prepared to leave the bed.)

I think tonight'll be easier but I still know what to do if the cravings come, I'll leave the apartment way sooner as that ended it far more easily it just like broke the pattern. 

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 360
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #23 on: March 19, 2019, 02:11:11 PM »
Mostly good and some bad. Getting through those cravings last night seems to have rewarded me with feeling good today. Just far calmer then before not super happy just contented, calm and content is actually a really nice feeling and has been a rare one for me. Not that I am always sad but my positive states tend to errr on the side of excited. Felt quite calm, great reminder to always push through, it feels better later.

The bad: I napped it was great (had unexpected free time) I started on my tiny couch it was uncomforable so I went in bed, I felt slight urges popping up. I woke up, tried to nap more and I fantasized a little bit about some women I knew and a past girlfireind. The fantasy was mostly stuff that happened and just regular sex and intimacy but still, I want to cut that out. I could see it triggering me. AND, not sure if I mentioned for me I used to go like into a trance fantasizing for hours about some of my fetishes. I consider it part of the addiction, so for me, fantasizing while in bed about sex is a gray area. Maybe I don't consider it breaking my streak but, I want to be quite careful. And why not live in reality? I am alone in bed, I want to learn how to really be able to enjoy that time, reading perhaps thinking about my day, thinking about space who knows....

My brain has brained trained that bed is a time that is almost purely sexual in a twisted lonely way (imagining women there porn etc.) That is NOT the same as actually being with someone. BUT being present and happy when alone will if anything make it better if I am dating a girl. The separation between fantasy and realitie worlds is important.

One good thing was, I had the urge to fantasize about some porn induced fetishes an image that has been haunting me and a strong trigger popped into my head. I thought of it and gained some clarity, this fetish and fantasy is not even really sexual if I think about it.... Like it doesn't even make sense and is so far from reality....

That was nice and lost me the urge, it was like wait, what am I actually thinking? So thats some progress. But still time to be cautious and not replace that with fantasizeing obsessively about real sex. Compulsions, especially for me and sexual ones are never good


EDIT: Okay enough posting for today. Just s simple commitment. The rest of today and the three days following no conscious sexual fantasizing AT ALL. Simple, not let things get out of hand. Make the commitment and decision now, not have to think about it.
« Last Edit: March 19, 2019, 03:07:19 PM by Quitforeverthenwin »

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 360
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #24 on: March 20, 2019, 12:01:29 PM »
Day 7 (8?) My organization could use a lil work lol.

Feeling pretty good. I can do a lot more than I thought. Like my posts last few days were like "my mind started thinking about sex". I decided not to do that and the second I even thought about thinking about thinking about sex I shut it down and got along with my day.

Saw some attractive women, my reaction was far less inense. i was like "oh niice, oh wait look away". Rather than like my heart racing etc. No sex thoughts nor foreplay either. Just enjoy my day think about other things.