Author Topic: My journal to recovery- Could use support  (Read 15013 times)

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #550 on: December 13, 2019, 11:53:31 PM »
Good stuff again, man!

Maybe she is your girlfriend, maybe she isn't. I think what's more important is that you know the right kind of girl is out there and that you have no problem talking to her/taking the first step. So she's not "the one," but she's probably like "the one," and it's all just practice. I can't remember who encouraged me to think of each date/dating in general as a practice (like yoga or meditation)...it was probably you...but that's what this is. I think trying at all to connect with the right kind of girl is a great step, regardless of how it works out in the end.

Also, way to accomplish your study goal! That's great! keep up the consistency and achievement!

achilles heel

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #551 on: December 14, 2019, 03:10:23 AM »
Either way there are TONS of opportunities out there. Gotta remind myself: Take your time!

Your ability to randomly talk to girls even multiplies your opportunities, I read through your field reports and think it's amazing how you just get numbers in every day situations. Don't worry and just stay on your path of recovery, sooner or later you will find someone special!

Also congratulations on reaching your multi-day-study-goal, keep advancing! :)

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #552 on: December 14, 2019, 10:09:21 AM »
Thanks for the support guys! This is encouraging so I plan to set another multi-day goal.

Still haven't heard from that girl. I notice I have these numbers but one girl I didn't even message, I am like nervous of not receiving replies. Blue, great reminder! Gotta look at it as practice. It may be quite a process until I am dating again or seeing a girl. Going through relearning/getting comfortable with setting up dates even.

Before I forget: My fantasy was a little out of hand this morning. Just thinking thinking thinking about girls and intimacy. I think I ought to start recording the majority of my fantasy about girls on here. It is a bit of a balancing act, I want to keep it in check but, although theoretically it seems to make sense to try and cut out all fantasy about girls. THAT led to me losing BOTH of my long clean periods that I had previously journaled about here BOTH. I would decide okay I am going to cut out all fantasy, eventually I would fantasize a little bit and be like "fuck it" and relapse. I know it's not rational, it doesn't make sense why that would happen. But that specific process got me TWICE, the two times I thought I was clean for good.

So I am not going to make that same mistake, gotta watch it and be cautious but not let that happen. I think perhaps aiming to decrease it in stages could be a good idea, as well as one day a time. Anyway, my mind could use a break from it anyway so I'll commit to no sexual fantasy in bed for the rest of today and for tomorrow am.

I think aside from that, I am just going to aim to start reporting here more of what is going on in my mind and go from there.

Finally the last few days I started feeling a bit "desparate" like I want to meet a girl and "horny" not as powerfully as I have felt in the past, but that is something to watch. You know what? I think for today even though it's Sat. It's a great idea to basically forget all about girls. I might message the numbers I have (just because I have been procrastinating) but then totally forget about it.
Aaahh, I feel relieved like I imeediately know this is the right decision, for today no (concious) attempts to meet girls, no thought to meeting girls dating whatever. Make it all about the other areas of life:
Seeing friends tonight
Setting career/study goals
Yoga
Whatever other good stuff I can do lol.

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #553 on: December 14, 2019, 06:24:44 PM »
Just had a bit of drama. Had plans I was looking forward to with 'friends'. That got cancelled. The one friend has done this to me like a million times and hasn't really been a good friend. I got in an argument about it and the bridge is burned. Honestly I don't feel too bad about it. I have been really angry with this friend for a long time. I could have communicated it better but meh.

Still a little riled up, but anyways I think I need to have higher self-esteem... Like I'll chase plans to hang out with people who aren't that "great" and keep these poor quality friendships. There is so much opportunity out there and people who WANT to be my friend. I have this annoying habit of chasing people. Anyways, I guess more on that later. I think I need to take more initiaite I have met like 5 people this week (I started up some new hobbies) who seem really cool and clearly want to be my friend. Why didn't I exchange numbers? I could have invited them out for the event tonight and had a bunch of new friends..... The main principle is I gotta know my worth. People do want to be my friend, I don't need to chase people. It's an odd thing like I automatically put my energy into trying to get people to treat me well, people that DON'T treat me well... Then I don't even notice the people who are just nice and want to be good friends already....

Also. I have a date for tomorrow : ). Just sent a simply text to one of the girls from I think Thursday it was? It'll be fun. I think I want to plan on being WAYYY less sexual/ physical totally. And just view it as like a fun social thing. There is a fun event I want to go to, so maybe I'll bring her there. Just make it fun/ casual. I don't see her being a girlfriend but she is cool and it'll be fun.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #554 on: December 14, 2019, 07:38:07 PM »
Also. I have a date for tomorrow : ). Just sent a simply text to one of the girls from I think Thursday it was? It'll be fun. I think I want to plan on being WAYYY less sexual/ physical totally. And just view it as like a fun social thing. There is a fun event I want to go to, so maybe I'll bring her there. Just make it fun/ casual. I don't see her being a girlfriend but she is cool and it'll be fun.

Hey, this is awesome. I think just being casual and social is a great way to get back at it. i remember when I was growing up hearing a lot of times about how a relationship is like a pyramid with sex at the top. If you try to build a relationship on sex, it will just tip over. But if you put in the foundation of friendship, service, and emotional connection, then you'll have a strong basis for the rest. I know I'm more "traditional" in my thinking about sex, but I do think a lot of people try to start a relationship with sex, and I'm just not convinced that's the way to do it (and maybe Zig Ziglar would agree, lol!) Go spend some time with girls, get to know them, see what really works for you in a real, healthy relationship (not just sexual), and you'll be on your way. Sounds like fun, and I hope it goes/went well (depending on when you read this)!

Before I forget: My fantasy was a little out of hand this morning. Just thinking thinking thinking about girls and intimacy. I think I ought to start recording the majority of my fantasy about girls on here. It is a bit of a balancing act, I want to keep it in check but, although theoretically it seems to make sense to try and cut out all fantasy about girls. THAT led to me losing BOTH of my long clean periods that I had previously journaled about here BOTH. I would decide okay I am going to cut out all fantasy, eventually I would fantasize a little bit and be like "fuck it" and relapse. I know it's not rational, it doesn't make sense why that would happen. But that specific process got me TWICE, the two times I thought I was clean for good.

I do feel like this needs pushing on a little bit, though. Just to make sure I understand, are you saying that not fantasizing is a trigger so you shouldn't do it but that saying you would never do it again caused you to relapse? I could be misreading/oversimplifying, but it sounds a little like you're saying you know fantasizing is bad for you but also that you shouldn't cut it out.

You have a better handle on where you are and what you need, but I will say that every relapse I ever had started with fantasizing. Fantasies come and go in our heads all the time, but we don't have to pay attention to them or get absorbed in them. It sounds a little risky to say that fantasizing is a safe release valve if necessary (like a more mild version of MO is okay if things get bad). To me, it sounds like the real trouble those last times was thinking you were "clean for good." (If I can trust our mind meld and project my experience onto yours right now.) Every time I thought I was clean for good and decided fantasies were a safe way to have a little fun, that's when I took a tumble. It wasn't because I had told myself I would never fantasize again. It was because I didn't take the fantasies seriously when they came back.

I guess to put it in extreme terms, I'm reading your comment as something like saying, "Every time I said I would never PMO again, I eventually did. So I'm not ever going to PMO, unless I'm about to anyway, then I will so that I don't."

Again, maybe everything I'm saying is unfair or a misunderstanding. But, you did a good job of throwing up a flag for me a little bit ago, and it really helped. So I just wanted to return the favor if I could.

But overall, it sounds like you're doing really well. Keep crushing it!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #555 on: December 15, 2019, 09:50:56 AM »
Good analysis.


Well the way I have it categorized in my mind is:

Specific fetish fantasies, the ones that were induced by PMO. Are 100% off limits. Those I consider like a soft relapse and they keep the addiction very much alive and eventually led to relapse.

It is a bit hard to describe but there is a MASSIVE difference internally. The specific pmo fetish fantasies I would feel powerful physiological reactions. Like shaky hot/cold all sorts of stuff. Let me call this fantasy type R (for relapse)

Well, I guess I'll be more specific. It's pretty embarrassing but I tend to like cuddle with a pillow and pretend it's various girls. That is the majority of the time and maybe 30% of the time I am fantasizing more sexually but not crossing over into the fetish stuff. I'll call this fantasy type  A. The stuff with the pillow I did before serious PMO addiction.

I do agree I probably should cut it out, but there was a very specific pattern to probably my two most devastating relapses:

I had cut out almost everything: PMO, MO fully. Occasional Fantasy type R. Moderate fantasy type A. Then I'd think "woah this is not good enough, I need to totally cut out fantasy" I'd set a goal for how long to cut it out. Then I'd break it just sort of like fantasizing about a girl holding the pillow what ever, then I'd immediately start fantasizing type R (fetish bs) and relapse. This happened several times and is like the number 1 threat to me when I am really solid.

And it's very specific it's : Decided that the fantasy is totally off limits (categorizing it as like in the same category as everything else). Fantasizing a little then immediate relapse. It oddly becomes a much bigger trigger when I ban it.

That being said, it is also not good. I do think my recovery is stronger without it probably. But it also falls a little bit into the "trying to be too perfect" category a little bit at times. When I try and have no thoughts of women at all that has led to relapse.

On that note, did not keep that commitment to not do it last night. I breifly fantasized about the girl I am supposed to go on  date with  last  night, then a bit more this morning. It was like 80% romantic/ intimate fantasy. (which has been the pretty common pattern).

Also though I would like to live in fantasy world less.

I guess the brain is complex. Because fantasy as a more mild MO is ON THE MONEY about what the fetish fantasies are/were for me. But this fantasy is a bit different, but at the same time I don't want it to get out of hand. But I also fantasized like this before the PMO addiction.

Grrr a bit conflicted.

But you know what, overall as much as I am over thinking a bit. I think the path forward is actually very simple and staring me right in the face, just by examining the facts:

I know that it is better to do less "safe" fantasy. When it's cut out I seem to have more morning wood and a bit better focus. Less fantasy is more healthy.

I know that putting that treating the more "safe" fantasy like pmo and trying to cut it out a bit too aggressively did lead to some relapses (at the times when I was the most solid). For whatever bizarre psychological/ triggering reason ( I did not take it seriously the first time but after this happened TWICE in the exact same way, literally the cutting out the fantasy was very much a part of that relapse loop).

So cutting it out is good.
Trying to cut it out too aggressively is bad.
(Both simply based not on speculation but purely on past data and how actions have effected my recovery)

Solution: Take steps to cut it out but not overly aggressively.

That can sound like a cop out of sorts, but I think I can do A LOT more to work on lowering it without putting myself in whatever weird mindspace that led to relapses in the past. I think a BIG help will be simply consistently reporting it here tracking it, making it "important". I'll be tracking it, becoming more aware, seeing patterns. Plus I'll feel social pressure to do less of it. If nothing else I can make laziness work for me lol. Each day I will post here and report on what I am doing mentally in terms of fantasy. And if I don't go into detail (not being triggering but in terms of you know diagnosing how sexual it was, for how long etc.) feel free to call me out. That's where the laziness comes in lol: If I don't fantasize I can just write "No fantasy today" or "Went to bed clear headed today" which is less work lol.

Additionally I think it is my habit to fantasize about girls before I go to sleep, this dates back a loongg time. I think it's partially because I don't love sleeping a lone (used to always sleep with dog) not to make that a bs excuse to not cut it out, but I think planning and working on a new healthier habit, that I really want to cultivate, for the time right before sleep is a really good bet.

"Okay I'll just lay here and NOT FANTASIZE until I fall asleep" is hardly a winning system. So replacement habits, gotta remind myself in a few months of consistency I can have a perfectly normal natural cool habit/ routine before sleep that adds to my life. It's just gonna take persistence.

Also I edited this a few times, I am glad your comments got me thinking Blue, in terms of categorizing everything, but also now thinking about it more, I think the fantasy is definitely a bit more of a danger zone then I am letting on to myself. This morning I had the slightest inkling to MO, while fantasizing about this girl. Gotta always take that stuff seriously. More aggressive tracking step one.
« Last Edit: December 15, 2019, 10:05:28 AM by quitforeverthenwin2 »

k-fff

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #556 on: December 15, 2019, 10:07:04 AM »
For the most  part you look like you're on top of things. I feel like you're a bit harsh about the fantasy, but I guess I don't really know because I always stop myself from fantasy because it leads to relapse for me. The only thing with the girls I would recommend is not taking them to seriously. What I mean  by that, is what they often say is meaningless and girls tend to be flaky in general. I always put myself into teasing sort of mood when I am around girls I am attracted to because it helps me and relax and lets me let go of being really attached to a specific outcome because in the process I remind myself of what I have accomplished and done reminding myself my worth is not connected to the amount of women that like me etc.

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #557 on: December 15, 2019, 10:28:03 AM »
Appreciate the support and feedback man!

Great point about reminding oneself about accomplishments.


Came back quick for that accountability/ tracking. I notice I just did some mediation and visualization and I felt this inkling like I wanted to grab the pillow and start fantasazing about this girl ( I did not) so yeah I think it's a little more compulsively and sexual in nature then I realize (or maybe more accurately wanted to admit), so appreciate it being pointed.

I also had an idea yestarday, "new begginings" can be nice. I almost wanted to make tomorrw, since it's a Monday in my head almost some sort of new beggining. Like just somehow do better, put more effort in handle the small stuff etc.

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #558 on: December 15, 2019, 10:36:45 AM »
I thought of a perfect thing for my sort of "reset"/ re motivation. Re-Reboot lol.

Goal: I am going to read and complete the first 4 chapters of the Smart Recovery workbook by Friday. Those chapters describe addiction and have exercises for building motivation and overcoming urges. It's pretty cool to create a "new beggining" but not having to wait for everything to go to shit first!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #559 on: December 15, 2019, 04:36:04 PM »
Looks date is prob gonna be a no show. (Haven't heard from her today). No biggie I planned intelligently and told her to keet me near where I already am (critical!!). My constant message these last weeks has been invest less kentally in girls early on!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #560 on: December 15, 2019, 06:18:28 PM »
So cutting it out is good.
Trying to cut it out too aggressively is bad.
(Both simply based not on speculation but purely on past data and how actions have effected my recovery)

Solution: Take steps to cut it out but not overly aggressively.

That can sound like a cop out of sorts, but I think I can do A LOT more to work on lowering it without putting myself in whatever weird mindspace that led to relapses in the past.

I think this is probably a good way to put it. Cutting it out probably is the way to go,  but you're not going to punish yourself into good behavior either.

I also think there probably is such a thing as "safe" fantasy, but I want to put a huge caveat on that. For me, at least, the distance between safe and dangerous fantasy and the amount of effort to go from one to the other is almost zero. Every time I thought I was cured, I let myself have "safe" fantasies because A) I thought I was cured and B) fantasizing about being in a relationship and not in a sexual way seemed totally okay. But after a day or two of letting those safe fantasies have free reign in my head, those dangerous ones started creeping in. Then those were fun and felt even more arousing than the safe ones, and then a couple days later, I was relapsing.

So, sure, maybe a safe fantasy doesn't, by itself, do a lot of harm. But for me, I can always trace a binge back to a couple days of being too tolerant and permissive with "safe" fantasies.

I guess I sort of see those safe fantasies as a canary in the coal mine now, a sign that I'm trying to escape my reality (and a warning that my brain might try to get me to escape reality through stronger means soon). For me, I have tried to learn to deal with those fantasies with kindness and understanding. Instead of getting angry and just forcing myself to shut them out, I try to turn my thoughts to something that will help rather than let me escape. Lately, I've been trying out memories of good experiences: instead of imagining some experience I want, I try to remember some experience I have already had that was rewarding. At least then I'm reinforcing something real.

Looks date is prob gonna be a no show. (Haven't heard from her today). No biggie I planned intelligently and told her to keet me near where I already am (critical!!). My constant message these last weeks has been invest less kentally in girls early on!

Sorry to hear it! That's annoying and disappointing, but it says a lot more about her than you. You are worthy of more respect than that, and I'm sorry she hasn't given it to you. Unless she shows up late, then still a little frustrating, but not a disaster (lol).

I love the idea of a re-reboot, too, by the way. Tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start no matter what happens!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #561 on: December 15, 2019, 10:19:32 PM »
Wow man total gold on the fantasy stuff, thanks!

The idea of it being a leaving reality is SO key. That is the underlying theme, of so much of my stuff. Trying to leave reality.

I think also the way you handle the fantasies, not fighting them. Perhaps the aggressive fighting and resisting is part of what had led to those relapses.

This is something for me to really ponder and work on, if i am honest maybe have of my waking hours or spent in a fantasy world, I am always fantasizing. Not just about girls, about all sorts of things. Something to ponder and work on, but one step at a time. The first are to work on is the "canary in the coal mine".

Before following up in journals I had a bit of a argument (nothing too bad) and some stuff and I.... wanted to fantasize, so yeah man for sure it is a leaving reality type of deal. It's okay to do things to distract from feelings some times, but that is not the path for me, a better thing would something like reading, writing or what I did now catching up on journals here.

The girl ended up just running like over an hour late. I very nicely told her "no problem, we wouldn't have much time to hang out then because I am busy later, let's hang another day!" which I am happy with. I am not really mad at her, but I don't want to wait an hour at put myself in a position to be really mad, if she didn't show up or delayed further after I waited so long. I am happy with it, I know my boundary I set it super super nicely without making it awkward. Happy with it.

I'll plan on setting something up with her another time, but if it doesn't happen thats all good too.

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #562 on: December 16, 2019, 02:40:31 PM »
Was fantasy free last night and this am : ). Felt good and had some moments of feeling more clear headed. Man it was nice to just lay in bed and relax and have some real quiet time. My mind wandered but about random stuff, like semi dreaming about chess, and space and all sorts of random fun semi-dreams. I think my habit of fantasizing before bed as my way to go to sleep was taking away from part of the natural winding down/ sleeping process.



BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #563 on: December 16, 2019, 06:30:37 PM »
Good stuff. Just last night I was listening to a guided meditation focused on the idea that "what we resist persists."

It's really paradoxical, but I think it has been helpful for me to relax into triggers and urges. Not to panic or get mad at myself or fight them. Instead, I just try to notice them, thank them for the suggestion (to relapse), and then let them know that I'm not going to do that right now. The more attention we give them, the more power they have, and fighting them requires a lot of attention. I feel like I've heard the saying that apathy is worse than hatred: at least if someone hates you they spend all their time and energy thinking about you, lol.

Rescheduling the date sounds like the right call. Sorry it didn't work out more smoothly (but when do these things ever work out totally smoothly, lol). Give it another shot and see what happens. All part of the process.

And good work staying fantasy free last night and this morning! I think there really is a natural winding down process that I never really gave myself a chance to experience. Earlier this year, I tried hard to set up a bedtime routine to really give myself a chance to wind down and settle in, and I feel like it has helped a lot. It could all be placebo stuff, but I really feel like I don't sleep as well on the days when I don't get to do the routine.

Anyway, keep on going and reflecting and changing. That's what this is all about!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #564 on: December 16, 2019, 11:58:53 PM »
Man. This mind meld is getting crazy.... I literally nearly wrote the phrase "what we resist persists" in my post this morning but then thought "meh, most people probably don't know that phrase so I will leave it out" then you wrote it... Man that kind of blew my mind. It was literally one of the first things I thought of writing and then I didn't.

Anyways, I know the phrase but haven't been too good at implementing it! Sounds like you are pretty skilled with it and reading your posts including these last insights about it (man I love the ignoring is worse then hating comment!) is helping me to implement it and I will continue to do so especially with the fantasy.

I like the ignoring is worse then hating because I do like to be a little aggressive in my attitude about wanting to murder PMO lol. So viewing shunning it as even stronger against it then hating it can probably work for me. Or maybe I can move my attitude to being a bit more peaceful as well lol.

Pretty decent day. Didn't feel great and not too productive on study, but I went on an interview then did this great workout class in the evening and have felt good since then. Finally, I found a potential room to rent so I'd have some privacy, it's super close to family and I negotiated the price down to very reasonable. It's small and not exactly fancy but seems like a solid option. I don't want to be desperate but I do like the idea of having a private place I can hang out with a girl if I want. But I know from experience it's not my place till I have the keys, so not going to get too excited.

Anyways, looking forward to reading and sleeping and lot of cool stuff tomorrow! Seeing therapist, meeting a friend/ mentor (the one who I thought was "done" with me, he reached out. To quote blueheron "take that worrying mind!". And planning to go to yoga at some point and look at some other living options. Man, being busy will be nice.

Feeling good thanks for reading everyone and the support and wish you all the best in your freedom from pmo!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #565 on: December 17, 2019, 09:30:50 AM »
Meditated and did some visualization exercises this am.

Stomach a bit off, I ate these "healthy" sugar free chocolate covered almonds yesterday, man what chemicals were those made out of! So won't be eating those again.

Oh yeah and fantasy free again last night, a few tried to pop into my head while I meditated but I did not resists, just became aware of them and went back to my breath.

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #566 on: December 17, 2019, 02:22:38 PM »
Not feeling too good. Reminder: it'll pass

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #567 on: December 17, 2019, 06:44:09 PM »
Just checking in, not been feeling to good. I notice when I woman walks by I have a faiely strong reaction, so it's good to be aware of such things.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #568 on: December 18, 2019, 12:48:16 AM »
Man, this mind meld is getting spooky, lol! For real, though, I think it just means we're on the right track. If you're driving to the same place, you're going to pass the same things.

Giving up resistance is a tricky thing, and it still doesn't come totally naturally to me. But I really do think it works. If anything, it helps take some of the anxiety out of the whole process, and given my worry-prone mind, that's not a bad thing.

Hope things work out for the new place! I know it's really important for me to have my own space, so I'm rooting for you on that front.

Not feeling too good. Reminder: it'll pass

That's an important reminder. It definitely will pass. You know it. I know it. But it's easy to forget when we're in the middle of not feeling good. Just notice it, understand it, but try not to get too absorbed in it. It'll leave you alone soon enough.

Keep up the amazing work!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #569 on: December 18, 2019, 06:42:23 AM »
The feeling definitely did pass. I ended up feeling really good actually. In,for me, the rarest way: CALM. The thing that got me there was small acts of discipline. It's interesting, sometimes the smallest tasks I don't want to do, that I feel like procrastinating on or anxious about, when I do them I'll feel calm after. Really small things. I got home and felt "exhausted" and wanted to throw my clothes off and go to sleep. But I made sure to put away my clothes, my bad and everything, just the little acts of organization. Then I wanted to go to bed and read a novel (not the worst thing). But I've been wanting to journal by hand a bit, so I sat down at the table and did that for a little while. While doing it I had slight feelings of like "I want to collapse in bed" (probably of wanting to fantasize too) but I kept going. Then I worked on the smart book a little, by the middle of all this I felt calm and really nice. I also heated some food on the stove, cleaned all the pans, finished a big yogurt, cleaned the container. Small Small things, but things I tend to put off or not do. But each one made me feel calm and good after (even shaving when I noticed I needed to).

It makes me think, I have this strong tendency when I get home to "feel exhausted". It's these weird thoughts like "omg, I can't do anything I can barely move I need to just drop my clothes and do nothing" but I don't think it's an accurate feeling. It's some habit. It feels really strong, but once I don't listen too it, I felt plenty of energy, not hyper just aware and calm and it was very easy to put away my stuff organize a bit etc.

Another mental habit I have, that I am sometimes aware of is, whenever it is time to put something away or organize it I think like "I don't have time! I am in a rush, I can't do this now" it's this sort of rushed feeling of anxiety, even if I don't have anywhere too go. But again both these sorts of feelings, when I overcame them I felt calm.


Fantasy free again! : ) . I do notice I get cravings to do it but it seemed slightly easier last night. I felt some aprehension at ummm, basically my penis being completely flacid for these last few days, ( I got slight-moderate erections when fantasizing) and feel impatient for morning wood, but this is all a trick, it's been what a few days? Clear my body/penis need a rest. The fact that I was getting those mild-moderate erections shows me, that the fantasizing IS an issue, that sounds like articificial sexual stimulation to me.

Might be in a slight flatline, but this'll be good minimal fantasy of women, this was how I was early in the reboot, didn't even care about girls/dating. Not saying I won't date, but it reminds me I can be happy even without a focus on that area of life.

I am sleeping in the kitchen and woke up like 5:00 something to my mom tripping over me lol. So the room could be cool. (Though the thought of taking the room has me a bit anxious, (what if it's a scam?) (what if I don't like it?) etc.) They are somewhat rational worries to an extent, the room seems almost too good to be true and the guy renting it to me does not live there, it seems a bit strange but assuming it happens I'll pay via check which should offer some protection I believe.

Anyways when I got woken up, I felt a little frustrated since I put a lot of effort into not looking at screens before bed and hopefully sleeping well, but I can still sleep a bit more. At first, I was laying in bed trying to sleep, bits of urges to fantasize, but I realized I should take my own advice, I wasn't falling back asleep so it's best to just accept it and thats what got me posting here.

Still a little frustrated though as I'd like to sleep a bit more and there is noise in the kitchen. Oh well, I'll just have to make the best of it. Maybe being so calm last night and going to sleep peacefully gave me enough rest.


quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #570 on: December 18, 2019, 10:45:25 PM »
Well today was really good. I got the room! It's a very very good deal ( I did some negotiating). It was unlikely a place in my budget in this area was possible but I got it, so I am looking forward to it. It's small but I'll have a bed and a desk and that covers most of my needs. (Random but that got me thinking a bed making habit is probably a good one).

It is next to another room and a door connects them (that stays locked) so I can hear the TV ( I am very sensitive to noise) but I am planning to be very thourough and research and come up with noise reduction methods will find a way to insulate the room from noise so it's nice and pretty quiet.

Also had a pretty decent job interview, not a long term career type thing, but something to get me working again, doing something to bring in money as I prep for whats next (probably training for new career path).

All these good things happening but I find myself like obsessively ruminating about a conversation with a girl that went a little awkward, or really it might not have but in my head it did and I feel like I didn't act as I wanted. And that keeps running through my head and I am feeling anxious.

I think I'll chalk it up to some bullshit the addiction is trying to pull, honestly the thing that I am upset about, I am not sure if it even really happened. But it used to be a hell of a trigger. So I think it could be the "pig" trying to invent a reason to be upset to trigger me.

Anyways, overall I felt really calm and good today, so this brief bit of anxiousness to end the day isn't a huge deal. It'll pass. Overally very good day and life seems to be moving somewhat forward!

Therapy on tuesday really helped by the way, really glad about it. The support seems to just decrease the anxiety a good bit.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #571 on: December 19, 2019, 12:11:39 AM »
This is all great news, happy for you, man!

It's awesome that you caught the impulse to skip good habits because it was too late. I know I do that sort of thing all the time, like I want to tidy up the house at the end of the day but then it gets late so I don't. Staying consistent is awesome, and recognizing and refusing your inner resistance to that is awesome.

And it's cool that you got the room! I had some noisy roommates a few years ago (like, who decides to play their electric guitar at midnight?) I got a white noise app for my phone, and it really saved me from the extra noise coming from the people I lived with. Something like that could be helpful if soundproofing the place doesn't fix it up.

Way to keep the fantasies at bay, too. Who needs them? Not you!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #572 on: December 19, 2019, 07:54:26 AM »
Thanks man! Yes, I tend to not want to do anything at night, but feel so much better when I do those little things, it's just these small acts of control, inflluencing the smallest things, that really add up to feeling calmer, better and more confident.

Fantasy free last night !....

I think it is the case that the addiction throws up urges and irrational feelings of upsetness to trip us up when good things are happening! I had a really good day yestarday and on top of that, I got through the feelings and mild urges to fantasize and..... had morning wood!

Man it's been awhile since I had morning wood, especially like that, not super strong but it lasted for awhile. Boy did that feel motivating and great! I had "dead dick" for the last few weeks.

Such a simple thing but it really does make one feel happy and confident to wake up that way.

So I had been doing hypnosis recordings daily, which are like guided meditation with positive suggestion, they are great! But I added in regular old meditation just a little bit, each day for the last 5 days or so and I think that has aided me a good bit too. I am just a bit more aware of my thoughts and am finding easier to gently notice an craving to fantasize for example and just let it pass.

For example I got woken up when it was still dark again ( I got enough sleep, not as much as I wanted, but enough) and I had just woken up and was so tired and had a craving to fantasize to fall back asleep. Normally I would feel like half asleep and unaware and fantasize with no resistance. But I was even that tired much more aware of my mind and very calm "oh I am half asleep, I feel an impulse to fantasize, meh I really don't want to do that".

One last update, I plan to stop taking ritalin, at least for awhile. I was getting addicted to it..... It stopped having any effect other then making me angry and I was needing higher doses. When I couldn't get it for awhile then got it (after moving) it felt great for a day or two, then slowly I felt nothing when I took it and in the end I felt awful when I wasn't on it. That sounds kind of familiar...... I stopped like 5 days ago, the first three days I felt like stupified all the time and started feeling better just yesterday really. It did seem to aid me, even if it was just a placebo that it lowered urges ( I got some monster urges while on it in the last weeks) for the first few months so I don't regret it! Also I should mention I went to some random doctor to get it and didn't do a test for ADHD or anything. I sort of self-diagnosed....

But anyways, feeling the best I have in a morning in a long time! REALLY have to catch up on study today, I need to put in probably 4 hours to catch up. I'd also like to socialize with some women in these next days, so that'd be good too. May go to some nice bar type places. Work hard in day and go to places in evening.


Edit: Speaking of girls. That girl from about a week ago that I was "sure" was going to be my girlfriend? When I got her number I sent her my number, she didn't even respond to that! I texted again too, not 1 response! She was not interested. It's all good, I barely knew her, but really reminder to self (and guys please remind me ! lol) to not got too excited too fast and have magical thinking with girls. This is the second time, I was sure I met my future girlfriend and we never saw each other again. For me, finding girls is a process, prob have to go on a decent bit of dates etc. it also takes time to know if a girl is the right one and for us to be connected. Be positive but move slow emotionally and be rational!
« Last Edit: December 19, 2019, 07:57:42 AM by quitforeverthenwin2 »

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #573 on: December 19, 2019, 08:18:40 PM »
Feeling some cravings to fantasize... It's like I think "man I really want to date...." or even as I stop myself from fantasizing I feel like I am losing out on an opportunity my mind goes like "but I want to be with girls".

It's interesting, part of my mind really in some way thinks that fantasy is real, that my fantasizing is me actually enjoying time and intimacy with women.... not true of course.

Also feeling a bit tired, today was pretty good though, applied to another job. Did a good amount of studying ( I still want to do more) and also doing some ruminating (unintentionally). One win though: I got a bit upset by something and wanted to say something rude back to the person who upset me, and I did not I didn't say a word and just let it go, which is progress.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #574 on: December 19, 2019, 11:45:42 PM »
I have noticed in myself that those fantasies that always eventually lead to relapse usually start with that kind of desperate/yearning feeling to go on a date/be in a relationship. I'm not expert at it, but I have been working on responding to those feelings by trying to accept what is going on in the moment in my life. Like yeah, I want to be in a solid, serious relationship and I'm not, but just feeling really bad/desperate about it won't solve the problem, only make me feel worse. All easier said that done, but I recognize those feelings as a consistent precursor to fantasies.

Cool that you're adding in some meditation. Not only do I think it's just helpful and positive, but I have heard about studies that show that meditation strengthens the areas of the brain that addiction usually damages. So it's like a direct counteraction to the addiction. That's just the sort of thing I need in life.

Yeah, magical thinking is a problem, but it's easy to get caught up in. I don't have any solid advice, but I will stay on the lookout for it! Maybe I'll just shoot your own advice back at you: there's nothing wrong with going slow. It might even be better.

What's the rush? We can't go any faster than one day at a time anyway. Keep on moving forward!