Author Topic: My journal to recovery- Could use support  (Read 36081 times)

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #500 on: December 05, 2019, 08:41:46 PM »
Congratulations on the soonish almost-date! That's an exciting development!

Good idea to find some quiet time to be alone, to write, and to remotivate yourself. I got out a sheet of paper the other day that I'm just taking random notes on to start thinking about goals for the new year. Every once in a while, I think it's a good thing to sit down and gather thoughts on paper to reassess where you are and where you're headed.

Just keep rounding the corner!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #501 on: December 06, 2019, 08:31:48 AM »
Thanks man! Sorry haven't gotten totally updated on everyone's journals... I want to say I have been busy, I have but I also could have MUCH better time management. So I want to get that more under control.

Just a few quick things to expand on later.
1) Still want to comment more on the people pleasing thing.
2) I developed a bit of a morning routine (waste less time!)
3) Considering STRONGLY internet break (stop wasting so much damn time) - It would allow utility, posting here and things involving other people (watching a show here and there with family).
4) Strongly considering a goal of cutting out all sex fantasy for a time, I fantasize=no morning wood. Clear headed=morning wood. I think we talked about complacency in another journal, I can relate. I am there now a bit. Things aren't so bad, but how much better will they be when I clean up further?
5) Double down on what you said blue.... the writing. Just journaled a bit soooo much more clear headed.
6) Oh yeah, read an amazing quote I'd like to share with you all later.

Anyway, solid morning so far. Short time, catch up later

Rebooter2019

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #502 on: December 06, 2019, 12:40:53 PM »
Thanks man! Sorry haven't gotten totally updated on everyone's journals... I want to say I have been busy, I have but I also could have MUCH better time management. So I want to get that more under control.

Don't worry for the posting on people's journals! Sure it help and it's highly appreciated when you do... but don't feel bad when you can't. Your recovery pass before everything, because you can't be of anyhelp if you're not on track yourself ;)

That being said, I'm happy for your most probable date with the girl you've met! That's a really good news :)
Plus, I support everything you've set as goal. They will all move you forward in life and recovery! They will help you to be happier as well, you'll spend your time in a more meaningful way which in the end will fulfill you!

Keep going my friend.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #503 on: December 06, 2019, 07:25:20 PM »
Not a problem! Life gets busy, and there's nothing wrong with sometimes not being the best at time management. It happens.

What matters is that you're still thinking and living in the right direction (it really sounds like there is no good reason to let those fantasies stick around).

Definitely interested to hear more about people pleasing and the quote you found.

Keep on going!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #504 on: December 06, 2019, 09:18:28 PM »
Thanks guys! I had a new thought insight, but let me post the quote first!

I may have mentioned the book "Man's Search For Meaning" By Viktor Frankl. Viktor Frankl was a psychologist who came up with a new form of therapy the premise is that the most important thing for man is MEANING. He is also no ordinary psychologist. He developed his theories from his experience surviving a Nazi Concentration camp and discovering that his wife parents and daughter had all died and were certainly starved and tortured....  this dude when through some stuff he's a credible source..... Anyways the quote, is about responsibility and how taking responsibility gives us meaning, it is advice to take more responsibility:

"Live as if you were living already for the second time and as if you had acted the first time as wrongly as you are about to act now!"

Man that is cold, you basically do a thought experiment seeing yourself in the future regretting how you fucked up in the past (actually the present) and now here in the present you have the opportunity to change the past!

Been using this technique a bit lately man is it motivating.


quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #505 on: December 06, 2019, 09:22:59 PM »
The thought I was having is: Reading and posting in non-dual's journal had me thinking about using negative motivation, avoiding the bad. That's what I need now!

I am in the "Well things are pretty good/not so bad" mindset. Just compacently fantasizing about girls pretty often. FUCK THAT. Just thinking positive is not enough to motivate me to quit that. Cutting that shit out is uncomfortable, I need motivation for that.

I gotta remember that in the past that shit led to relapses. That I have a dating prospect and that doing that may make my dick not work! I gotta really remember the shit times of losing girls and opportunities. I lost a good part of a decade to this shit, it's not a game.

Will expand on the other stuff (people pleasing!) and the rest for sure as well.
No internet today (other then opening it on phone without thinking! Being pissed and closing it (thats a sign for sure had to cut it).
Got a great book to read tonight.
Commiting to going to this nice lounge my friend works at tomorrow, I keep putting it off. Now it's a commitment I can see him and chat with some girls (in moderation) and socialize. If no one can come with me, so be it.

Rebooter2019

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #506 on: December 06, 2019, 11:12:04 PM »
The thought I was having is: Reading and posting in non-dual's journal had me thinking about using negative motivation, avoiding the bad. That's what I need now!

I am in the "Well things are pretty good/not so bad" mindset. Just compacently fantasizing about girls pretty often. FUCK THAT. Just thinking positive is not enough to motivate me to quit that. Cutting that shit out is uncomfortable, I need motivation for that.

I gotta remember that in the past that shit led to relapses. That I have a dating prospect and that doing that may make my dick not work! I gotta really remember the shit times of losing girls and opportunities. I lost a good part of a decade to this shit, it's not a game.

Will expand on the other stuff (people pleasing!) and the rest for sure as well.
No internet today (other then opening it on phone without thinking! Being pissed and closing it (thats a sign for sure had to cut it).
Got a great book to read tonight.
Commiting to going to this nice lounge my friend works at tomorrow, I keep putting it off. Now it's a commitment I can see him and chat with some girls (in moderation) and socialize. If no one can come with me, so be it.

Everyone is different. Some people only need to see the positive other the negative. Some need a mix of both to get out of the vicious cycle that is an addiction. In anycase, you should do what you think is best for you! I know on my part that positive never helped me, but seeing myself never being able to correctly fuck a woman... let my tell you that it fucking motivate me to quit that shit!!!

I've lost opprotunities and I use it as fuel to keep going in the reboot! So try the to think about the possible nagative when you got urges or cravings! They've always calm the fuck down my brain!

Yeah, just go out and chill everyone need that every once in a while. It's a occasion to see a friend as well! You'll most probably have fun!

Stay strong buddy :)

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #507 on: December 07, 2019, 08:27:56 AM »
Thanks bro! I think you are on the money remember the negative, NEVER BEING ABLE TO FUCK A WOMAN PROPERLY. Is so key, I lost so many opportunities as well. I put a lot of effort getting good with women. The thing that stood between me and a phenominal dating/sex life was the PIED and pmo bullshit. It certainly effected my career as well. Focusing on that is a big motivator...

On that note, I thought about this stuff a bit last night and went to bed with no thoughts of women. Had some pmo dreams though. Woke up feeling pretty bad. But, this is all okay.

I was just thinking about it..... I had been doing pretty well, in a sort of homeostasis. But now I want to improve further and get cleaner, and perhaps this will take some effort, some more negative motivation and it will be a bit uncomfortable.

It's like losing weight a bit, it's pretty much always uncomfortable, it's a move from homeostasis. So the same deal here, I am furthuring my level of "clean" so I may end up a little bit back in on the grind mode.


quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #508 on: December 07, 2019, 03:37:08 PM »
Doing pretty good, visited family. Was supposed to have place to myself to get work done but sister ended up home sick. We hung out a bit then it got a little heated, not too much. But anyways, just want to post to keep self on track. This is a lesson  I guess too. Getting work done in same apartment with sister here is not the best plan..... Next time I'll hit up a cafe.

I wanted to post like "oh I'll study harder when I have a place I can be alone to work." But that's just not taking responsibility. I can go to starbucks EARLY get a table to my self and study for 4 hours. Just like I did MULTIPLE times earlier this week. So tomorrow I'll get hours of studying in.

Edit: A bit frustrated like where did the time go? I sort of feel like the day was wasted.... What did I do today? I think I spent it with my father then talking to sister. Which is okay, but they are not the most positive people, so the relationship is important of course. But spending like an hour listening to my sister talk about how she hates our mother, is not a great use of time. (My sister really needs psychological help, our mother, my mom has been an amazing mother and nothing but nice to both of us).

Honestly I think I am just drained after being exposed to all that, gotta avoid the sister more. And recharge myself with something positive.
« Last Edit: December 07, 2019, 03:41:24 PM by quitforeverthenwin2 »

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #509 on: December 07, 2019, 08:23:23 PM »
Man, I was listening to Man's Search for Meaning just a few months ago! It's crazy how we're all finding our ways to similar places as we push through recovery. I didn't remember that quote, but it's a powerful one for sure.

That "not so bad" homeostasis is a tricky place to be. I think I'm feeling the effects of that right now, and I think I'm being a little complacent if I'm brutally honest. It's a good reminder to stand up straight and keep fighting the fight.

But it sounds like things are still going generally well for you, and that's awesome. Just keep it up!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #510 on: December 08, 2019, 12:47:29 AM »
Man, that's wild! You are right crazy how the recovery brings us to the same place.

Yes, just was falling into the "not so bad" mindset. Honestly for me the cure is ..... a little bit of negative motivation.

Case in point, I just had a really good night. I feel really good, a little too high probably. I went to a club, had a nice convo with attractive girls. Then a girl came up to me and started dancing in a very attractive/triggering way. Finally I met a nice girl on the way home (more on that later).

I feel like "high" about all the fun I had and the image of the girl's body part while she danced (I didn't even remember her face until thinking about it as I posted this!). I feel good and am "enjoying" thinking about it. BUT I need a little negative motivation. It's all fun and games, things are going in the right direction. But imagining that body part is HARMING my brain, it's harming my erections. It is a fantasy. It will lead to my dick working less well, me having less ability to connect with women. Perhaps to my dick not working at all and isolation. Quit, you enjoy fantasizing about that girls body part? Well if you do that, how will you like eventually really getting into an intimate situation with that girl and your dick being basically turtled up in your body and you feeling like you're in an alien world? The girl then leaves, us both feeling like shit. SO back on the grind. I had a good night, but time to stay clear headed, read and zzzzzz.
I feel like wins are around the corner, but I MUST MUST stay humble!

Anyway, the last girl I met I am real happy about. i was on the subway home, chatted with the girl. She was super friendly, I really liked her. She is visiting, leaves 8:00 am. Invited me to see a touristy thing with her tonight. I really felt like I wanted too. But DECLINED. Because I wanted to get to bed at a decent hour. Not going to try and suck up every last morsel of female company or .1% chance of sex. Love wins like this, as for me these are major signs that I have FOR SURE changed and maturated.

It was a win-win. I acted properly. Let her know that she was really cool and I really did want to hang out (made her feel good), made the right choice for my life. AND it is motivation for how awesome dating could be, it was really cool to experience that feeling of liking and connecting with a real live girl. For the first time that intensely in a LOONNNGGG time. I wanted to write, Man is it great! But don't want to get too high again. I feel good but don't want to feel too good. The good feelings come, by being humble and investing in the right actions upfront, the results come later. If I want more results, time to stay humble and take the right actions.

« Last Edit: December 08, 2019, 12:49:48 AM by quitforeverthenwin2 »

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #511 on: December 08, 2019, 02:07:56 PM »
Feeling in decent spirits but a bit weird physically. Very tired physically, body a bit achy and a bit of a headache. Have done very little today, mostly resting. But in a healthy way, reading, napped ate healthy. There is a little meetup I can go to, which I guess I"ll do and just won't stay too long.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #512 on: December 08, 2019, 06:23:28 PM »
Sounds like some good stuff, catching yourself in fantasizing about a real girl (we can be too quick sometimes to give ourselves a pass if it involves real people).

Even better, you had a great interaction with a nice girl and stood up for yourself instead of people-pleasing by choosing to go to bed. As someone (probably you) said when I made a similar decision to leave a party early instead of stick around to appease a girl, "Boss move"

I'm glad you're feeling good even if you're feeling weird physically. I'm all for a day of healthy resting. Take the chance when you can get it!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #513 on: December 08, 2019, 08:48:13 PM »
Thanks man! Just had a nice convo with a girl and she suddenly left. I was a bit bummed. But really she was interested but not all in, once again i over invested emotionally wayyy too fast.

It's okay. This is part of life, but good to catch it as much as possible. Still glad I talked to her I was pretty intimidated and hesitated but we ended up having a good conversation. Took some of my own advice, just talked to her in the easiest possible way.

Edit: I notice more and more titles of journals in this forum and the other age group ones, referencing pmo fetishes in the title. This can be trigger for guys and is totally unacceptable on this website. Pleas guys let's report these  titles to mods and inform the posters  so they can be changed. This is a great example of not being overly nice. Sure we want to help those guys but the health and usefulness of the overall community comes first.

It's one thing to have it in journals we can avoid, in titles we can't avoid while usung the foun is totally another.
« Last Edit: December 08, 2019, 08:54:31 PM by quitforeverthenwin2 »

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #514 on: December 09, 2019, 08:20:30 AM »
Hmmm, evening not as good as I wanted. Got to sleep but something woke me in the night and I was fantasizing about this girl I am going on a date with. Really need to be careful as this time I was feeling urge to mo. I notice sometimes when trying to stop part of the behaviour, not keeping the commitment itself can be triggering or perhaps it's a sort of rebound effect. The urges from the fantasy were stronger.


Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #515 on: December 09, 2019, 12:52:40 PM »
Hey quit, reading your past few posts I now think I have a better idea of what you mean by negative motivation. It was hard for me to find that negative motivation until the other day when my dick didn't work with my wife. The 'it's not so bad homeostasis' has definitely been a thing for me, so thanks for noticing it and pointing it out. Some people are good at harnessing negative motivation for good. Sometimes I'm just negative, and there's no motivation to be found whatsoever. In these moments, turning my self-hatred into motivation seems impossible, really. I guess I'll start trying this next time I feel the urge to relapse. I do remember that in my over 3 months streak ages ago, negative motivation was a factor but not the only type of motivation that I used to get through. It was definitely the 'it's not so bad' complacency that led me back to PMO in the end so there's definitely wisdom in what you say.

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #516 on: December 09, 2019, 01:58:14 PM »
Awesome  glad it's helpful. It's a mix I think.
Appeciate the post! Was struggling just now but that got ne out of it a bit.

Emotions all over today, powerfully. Just reminding myself, it'll pass.

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #517 on: December 09, 2019, 02:34:48 PM »
Man I miss goals. Been so focused on day an hour of this four hours of that. Today was really struggling, but set a little goal to get an actual peace of work done. Man my focus was much stronger when I had a real goal to aim for, got it done and man do I feel better. This is a change I prob want to make. Instead of "study this many hours a day". I think I am going to set a goal for getting a portion of this course done. (you have to get all the answers right to move forward, so I won't just "rush through". I feel much better, I need goals in my life again and this is a nice small start.

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #518 on: December 09, 2019, 03:14:32 PM »
Man posting on here listening to other people's stuff helps me reflect on my own shit soo much.

Have the date tonight, real nice girl and I am like thinking about reasons to cancel. That's some addiction bullshit lol. Like the brain wants to fight the moving toward reality. Anyways, looking forward to the date!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #519 on: December 09, 2019, 05:25:01 PM »
Just checking myself:

Man, my damn brain. I feel better, had a nice workout. But my thoughts are kind of wild. Let me see if it is even possible to write them out in a way that makes sense.

I have this date setup. I realized I had another thing planned today (but not solid plans, just something I wanted to do). I considered canceling, but don't like being canceled on so don't want to myself.

Now the weather is bad, I tend to worry dates will be cancelled. The combination of that being my default mindset and the weather had me CERTAIN this girl would cancel. I was furious,  I thought of how dumb I was for not cancelling and that in dating you are the "predator or the prey". Now let me remind you THE DATE HAS NOT HAPPENED YET.

This all has happened in my brain, I convinced myself for sure this girl would cancel and already got mad and was like trying to change my world view based on it..... need I remind myself that all day my emotions and thoughts have been out of wack......

For now, I'll aim to stop thinking about it, enjoy some yummy food. Head over, if the off chance it's cancelled, chat up some girls at the date spot then go hang with family.

More likely, she comes and I'll have fun : ). Get some good date practice in. Even this like looking "forward" to the date in my crazy way, is practice for me to basically get my shit together lol.


quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #520 on: December 09, 2019, 05:39:18 PM »
Holy hell what the fuck is wrong with my emotions lol. Just keeps returning to a default state of mild or moderate up to strong turmoil. You guys know when I post my novels some shit is going on lol.

But hey, I am on the path. Got the basics done today, if the date happens I am going to do my damned best to have a good time. If it doesn't I'll go see family I guess and do my damned best to have a good time. Then tomorrow I'll do my damned best to have a better day, and if it isn't I know that'll pass eventually

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #521 on: December 09, 2019, 09:57:21 PM »
Hang in there, man! These emotions take us on a wild ride. I definitely wonder if the addiction isn't actively fighting for its survival sometimes by trying to trip us up when we're doing real things.

I think you're right not to cancel, and I hope she returns the courtesy. Whatever happens happens, and you know how to bounce back from it (if there's anyone here who I think could bounce back from a bad/canceled date, it's you!)

Good that you're getting back to a goals-mindset too, I think. Even if they're not crazy ambitious or anything, a little sense of direction is probably a good idea.

Rooting for you! Hope it all works out tonight!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #522 on: December 09, 2019, 11:24:16 PM »
Goddamn a bit of a cluster fuck.

So, the girl showed up to the date. I really liked her everything was great. Super sweet, I thought everything was really good. Sweet quite girl, seemed what I am looking for.

We want to a bar to sit. Started cuddling. Talk got intimate. Long story short.... turns out she is all into some of my core/main pmo fetishses. Christ. I started talking about them and getting really into it. We talked about all these scenarios.

Very triggered. Obviously the above is a fuck up, it's like some kind of relapse. I basically tried to engage in this stuff. Did not expect this.

I told her that I have compulsion issues and may not want to see her again. She accepted it and said she just wanted to be friends. Then later we kissed and I told her she was going to be my girlfriend. Talk about fucking insanity.

The girl also said she discovered her sexuality very early and experimented with other kids when she was 4 or 5. (She is from third world country). I think the right decision is probably to cut ties.

Some of my emotions say, wow you like this girl and she has the same fetishes! You don't want to miss this opportunity.

BUT, I have BEEN THERE DONE THAT. I did engage in some of the fetishes with a girl, it was a disaster, my dick stopped working. It was horrible. My mind is like "omg I can't cut ties with her, we had such a good connection and she'll be so upset" . But 1) Recovery comes first and 2) Better to do it now then ruin my damn self, get her invested then kill it.

All in all, holy fuck I did not expect this situation, I certainly did not act as I want. My brain is still telling me like "woah don't miss this! You really like her, you'll regret cutting off a girl who is into this same stuff!". Actually I have done so before, and I only regret it during RELAPSES.

Let me play the movie to the end. I date this girl, she is older then I want. She seems totally unstable. The girls who have wanted to engage in these pmo fetishes HAVE NEVER been stable. Like something has to go wrong in life to be into this shit. Anyways, I could feel the confidence and badasses drain out of me as we discussed this stuff. So I'd date her, engaging in this bullshit would drain the fuck out of my confidence. MY DICK WOULD STOP WORKING. And my brain would be fucked up and I'd fucking fail at life. Also dumbass brain can rationalize it's real life with a consenting partner so it's okay. BULLSHIT: It would 500000% lead to porn relapses as well (just TALKING about it made it hard not to relapse).

Okay, it hurts a bit. But I am going to choose my recovery and you guys, my E-friends over this girl. And end it right now:


Done. Nice goodbye text, blocked and deleted number.

Part of me it hurts. Feeling like "man I really liked her" but recovery fucking comes first! That shit could have ruined my life. I am going to look at it as, man I just cut out a potential relationship to ensure my recovery now that is BADASS!

I feel back to myself. Back on track. This was an unexpected situation. I need to be more cautious in the future. This may be rare, but it happened so I'd be a fool not to be ready for a similar situation in the future.

I don't know the full criteria but I do know if a girl expresses interest in my PMO fetishes, she must be immediately disqualified from consideration of any further contact or dating. Not because she is a bad person and not even because she wouldn't be a great girlfriend. Because it's fucking dangerous, that shit would ruin me eventually. It's out of my life, it has to be.

I want to remind myself of a vision. An awesome emotionally healthy girl, an amazing relationship, we have tons of fun, we have vanilla connecting sex, tons of intimacy it's great support and it's a 10x better experience then any of this addiciton bullshit ever was. Cutting this influence out just moved me closer to my goal.

I was imperfect on this date, correcting the problem was painful. But I am proud. This was one of my closest calls ever and I got through it. 

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #523 on: December 09, 2019, 11:44:31 PM »
Brain still processing and reeling a bit. Christ that girl was talking about some crazy shit. Even stuff I never watched in PMO. I am not happy about that, worried it could lead to future triggers/fantasy. So I gotta be vigilant.

Thinking for the future: When conversations get sexual: Literally have a fucking predetermined script/phrases to use to redirect the fuck away in case triggering stuff pops up and ESPECIALLY if the girl starts bringing up anything remotely resembling the PMO fetish stuff. Just have  a script to shut that shit down redirect and remove and not let it escalate like it did tonight.

Still reeling from this a bit. A range of emotions. Regret. Sadness. Triggered/Urge. But let me remind myself. LITERALLLY there is an awesome girl I will be dating in the future. My decision to cut this other girl out and get through these urges however I need, is allowing me to meet that future girl.

This is literally true. Had I not disengaged fully. Inevitably, my dick would stop working and in other ways I'd be incapacitated from meeting girls/dating. So when I meet the future awesome girl or girls. I have this decision to thank!

Let's plan for tomorrow being a fucking badass day! Going to set specific goals for getting things done.

Finally, not all the time with the girl was fetish BS. We got a bit touchy before that and some of it was awesome! The vanilla stuff the intimacy was soo much for satisfying and confidence inducing then the fantasy fetish talk. I will aim to delete all that from my memory as best I can.

Also: This was particularly crazy but, I'll remind myself. Long periods without rewiring with real women, nearly always lead to the first few times being super triggering and having me go off into fantasy land. This time it just went off the rails a bit more and with a partner. Next time will be a bit better, next time better then that. And in the future after maybe half a dozen or a dozen rewiring kissing/ cuddling sessions. I'll be able to enjoy it, clear headed in it's own right. It's all part of the work and the process. Also let me be 1000% honest. I asked the girl what she was into seuxally. HOPING it'd be the pmo fetish stuff. I do this often early in rewiring. Definite mistake. It is my job to fix that on future dates. Plus the type of girl I am looking for would probably be VERY off put by conversation like that on a first date.
 

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #524 on: December 10, 2019, 12:09:19 AM »
Fucking hell strong urges. Tried to get in bed. Man a strong urge to fanasize about that girl and MO. SOOOO glad I deleted the info. The addicted brain had I not deleted it would probably take over.

As it is now, I feel all these bs feelings. Sadness, loneliness then have the images pop in my head of this girl. But it's good I then feel bummed about knowing I'll never see her again. But then it's like, man if I fantasize about her or MO about her I will feel like such shit. That will be the worst regret ever (my addict self is DEVASTATED at deleting this girl). So it's like many I don't want to feel how horrible that is, so I won't do it.

Thanks for being here everyone, had I not posted and thought of you guys all here I prob wouldn't have deleted the number right away and if I didn't I'd prob be relapsing right now.