Author Topic: My journal to recovery- Could use support  (Read 7534 times)

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #50 on: March 29, 2019, 10:05:02 PM »
Thanks bro!

I had a big realization, I stupidly have been doing fasting each week based on dumb crap I heard on the internet...... I am not overweight and have been like starving and lost muscle! I was wondering why I felt crappy a lot and this was it! Today I was starving at 11am and was not going to eat till 4, I talked to my mom and she is like this is so dumb. She was so right. Lesson learned: Solid healthy foods, no stupid fad diets. Anyway, I realize I've been at like 50% capacity since I have been starving myself lol. Ate a lot today and feeling better already.

So thats it for today, felt shitty but eating helped. Some lonliness but starting to take some more actions to socialize more and start dating again. Should set some goals, I'd like a date within two weeks, not a hard goal/deadline just me musing. I am confident I can do it. 

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #51 on: March 30, 2019, 10:24:37 AM »
Feeling a good bit better for sure. Mood is up, finding it far easier to push aside cravings and thoughts. This morning I stayed in bed a bit resting and also fantasizing about real girls, this is something that I don't consider part of the addiction and is not the worst thing in the world but still I want to get up earlier tomorrow and not do that, as it really was just a waste of time. But again, not the end of the world. I am not going to try and cut out every sexual thought just the pmo and fetish fantasy.

My meditation was not too good this am, but thats okay. It is still good for me and will pay off later. Been skimping on workouts about to go do one!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #52 on: March 31, 2019, 12:32:39 AM »
Hvaing an odd sort of craving, a craving to fantasize about my Porn induced fetishes not too strong but with this strong sense of complacency. Just sort of like.... a feeling of I am okay with fantasizing, I feel like doing it so I'll do it. It's cool to see that I actually totally control the action and can just not do it...

Luckily I decided to post here instead.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #53 on: March 31, 2019, 03:01:55 PM »
Man, glad I made that post! I did NOT fantasize. Did not even fantasize about sex (not considered a relapse). I really enjoyed reading a book, it's nice I am seeing some changes for sure. I am sure ups and downs will come, but I am having moments where things are as I want. I really enjoyed reading in bed, found it a massive pleasure and got lost in it then slept well. I had some dreams just as I woke up about the fetish but it was mild, I may have even dreamed about having cravings, I am not sure. But Happliy, I got out of bed with my alarm and got back to reading.

For me reading is the BOMB. Like since I cut out bad habits I read my ass off, reading is my way of goofing off but it has none of the downsides of my other habits like youtube, pmo etc.

I also hung out with a girl today, I wanted things to go further, we got a little physical but she refused a kiss and I feel like things have fizzled at this point, reason being mostly that she is "seeing someone" back home. (She is here on vacation). But I still consider it a win, I enjoyed the time together, enjoyed real sexuality, as I touched her body a bit.

One of the coolest parts is, she is attractive, but I was not super attracted to her until I hung out with her for awhile and started to like her, then I was very attracted. This is huge! Because thats how my brain should be functioning.

So anyway, almost all good news, for today. Eating more is awesome. I notice I want to talk about what I should be doing, what I am doing wrong. But you know what, this is big for me, it's okay to just have a nice enoyable healthy day and accept and enjoy it, no changes or self analysis necessary.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #54 on: March 31, 2019, 05:05:37 PM »
Just a few hours later.... so being seuxal with girls is good but can be a trigger! Just took a nap and was fantasizing about this girl a lot. Then had a thought go into my mind of fetish stuff... I immediately got out of bed! So this is good, it was a lot easier to stop it asap. Anyway, still gonna cut down on the sexual thoughts for the next couple of days, clear my head. Have a productive eveing. And watch myself, I am starting to rewire having better interactions with women, but the sexual feelings can let some of the addictive pmo thoughts start lurking around the corner, just gotta kick the pmo/fetish thoughts asses when they pop up!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #55 on: March 31, 2019, 08:15:22 PM »
Glad you're staying clear of PMO! A big realization for me lately has been to notice all the ways that I've been reinforcing the addictive reward loop in my brain when I'm not using porn--staring at women on the street, on TV, etc. Even though those things aren't porn, I've realized that they do trigger me in that direction. So it's a good thing you're noticing how a healthier experience (not a relapse) might get your brain going in the wrong direction. But, hey, either way, you're making progress towards normal--and that's a huge win!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #56 on: April 01, 2019, 12:34:17 AM »
Thanks bro! Yeah, it's just something I have to be aware of. I noticed in previous reboots, when I would finally get sexual with a girl I would end up in PMO fantasyland even with the girl right there! It was nuts.

But overtime it would mostly stop.


It's like the PMO thing is separate from real sexuality. But by some weird crossed up brainwires any sexuality can create a bit of an urge, but by avoiding pmo and rewiring (carefully!) the wiring returns to normal.

I went out with a friend and had a pretty bad night. It was odd, I believe every girl I spoke to had a bad reaction to me. Honestly, I bought a new shirt and my friend and I discussed it, it made me look super awkward and nerdy. I honestly think that was it, man how you dress is really really important. Like the shirt just made me look goofy.

Edit: I guess I can just be honest and say, I feel quite shitty right now. Just down and a bit hopeless. Really sad, and just this sense of hopelessness, it's a little strange. I am not going to fall asleep for awhile, I can feel and have a weak urge,  I literally can feel it in my crotch area, quite physical. Anyway, I am just gonna keep it simple. I prefer real books, but I found a funny ebook I'll read it for awhile and just forget the day. (remember it did start off great, just the night was bad. But my emotions don't feel that)
« Last Edit: April 01, 2019, 12:37:10 AM by Quitforeverthenwin »

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #57 on: April 01, 2019, 12:50:05 AM »
Holy shit got a super strong urge just now. Vivid, just popped into my head

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #58 on: April 01, 2019, 08:27:22 AM »
Well, I fetish fantasized, a bit last night then a bunch this morning. Catching it earlier is pretty important. So when I fantasized in bed about regular sex, that was a bigger problem then I realized MUCH bigger. If I am honest that was the turning point. I had a great day, had a good time with the girl, then I was tired and I decided to go in bed and fantasize about that girl. I realize fantasy about sex in bed is a big issue, I like go into a trance. So I really gotta cut that shit.

It was after that, my mood was totally different felt off and in hindsight, slightly triggered. Then had the really bad night and just wanted to fantasize. Funny how the mind rationalizes, I was like I shouldn't do this, it's a bad habit. Then the EXACT thought was "it's okay, I will never have a night this bad again so I will fantasize just for tonight".

PURE BULLSHIT: The night was not that bad.

I was on my couch reading with a strong urge, then got in to bed to read. I think I had already made a decision to fantasize awhile ago. I got a bit complacent, I was super tired. I think I needed to leave my apartment for a bit, maybe exercise. I was having a pretty easy time the last few days, so I simply was not prepared. AND I was triggered by the whole, feeling like I have no girls/ dating prospects mindset. Siggghhhh, well a lot to be learned here.

At least still PMO free, but gotta step it up with cutting out the fantasy AND remember just idk 20 hours ago I was feeling great

OH and One HUGE thing, the key actually. The ebook was a huge problem and honestly I think that one factor if removed could have kept me away from the fantasy..... Reading on screens is nowhere near the same and I was reading this awful book that is supposed to be funny "good reasons to punch a dolphin in the mouth". It was supposed to be funny but was just  a bunch of shitty cartoon drawings of violence with some sexual images how stupid to read in hindsight. I had good intentions but was hard headed.

I was like reading it, feelling bad and triggered and I was like thinking "keep reading, when you read the triggers normally pass". That is true but reading on the screen is simply not the same and this book was crap, these lame ass cartoons on a computer screen. It was like surfing the internet on some backwater shitty website, which normally is a big trigger for P. Oh well, lesson learned. I already knew ebooks and reading on screeens SUCKS. I am offically cutting it out of my life permanently. Real books only, I swear the brain waves are not the same it is an entirely different experience and activity actual reading versus looking at a screen at words.
« Last Edit: April 01, 2019, 08:33:02 AM by Quitforeverthenwin »

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #59 on: April 01, 2019, 06:50:10 PM »
Man, sorry to read what you've been putting up with, but I'm really glad to hear you're getting through it without PMO. All of this is valuable learning, and it's great that you're writing it out and thinking it through. I think that will make you more aware and capable of dealing with these triggers in the future.

Sorry, too, about feeling down. I know the feeling, no prospects or even hope of prospects, also just feeling off. I catch myself feeling weird about social things after the fact all the time. Like I send an email and feel weird for a day and can't figure out why I feel bad and then remember it was just that email and everything's fine. Probably, those girls weren't reacting as badly as you thought, but that doesn't change the way it felt.

I guess all I'm saying is that I know the feeling. Hang in there: strong urges can be really tough to deal with, but I'm sending good vibes your way. You can do it!

pichaelthompson

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #60 on: April 02, 2019, 11:37:08 AM »
Hey man, I'm sorry for the bad night you had. I had a regretful night too, one of the girls I was talking to told my friend I was being weird and backing away while she was talking to me...and I didn't even notice it at the time. It made me feel like everything I thought I was doing to "better myself" really wasn't helping at all, and I honestly thought for 1 second that if I just did a quick PMO my head will clear up and I'll be easier to get along with. I guess a small step I took was that I reminded myself that PMO is what led to being this way in the first place! Keep your head up, all we can do is learn from the past and move forward with a positive mindset.

Great job trying to cut out fantasizing, I realized that even if my fantasies are about real women I like they are just as fake because it is about my personal image of the woman rather than the actual person...keep it up!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #61 on: April 02, 2019, 11:43:26 PM »
Bluehero:Thanks bro! I appreciate the perspective, I feel pretty bad about the fantasizing but this whole time, since starting the journal, I have been pmo free and that is something to be happy with. Instead of my usual "look for whats wrong" habit. I can just be like no pmo is great! Now I want to step it up even more and cut the fantasy out... I am motivated to handle that though, get this shit handled once and for all.......

Good point on that.... it felt the girls were reacting so badly, I didn't even question that it may not be as bad as I perceived. Also the no prospects thing, emails, it's uncanny how so many of thoughts and feelings I read from others are identical to my own. Thanks for the good vibes! I'll keep them in mind and that should help!

Pichael- I can relate to that, I can get really upset and ruminate on small social things that end up being no big deal in the end. I was just working on slowing down my speaking (I speak toooo fast) and I felt so awkward and weird. I want to focus on the big picture. I read a bit of this book by the basketball player Kobe Bryant, he said he always had the big picture in mind, he would try new moves and did not care at all if he messed up, because he knew by trying the moves he'd be a better basketball player, it just would take time  and seeing the big picture.

Yeah, I was too complacent on fantasizing and that led to my fantasizing about porn/fetishes. For me it's a big issue, like I can fantasize about it for hours, not good for the brain. So gonna tighten that stuff up.


UPDATE: Day 1 (fantasy free)- You know, I should give myself a pat on the back, got a lot of very important work done to start the day (as I planned). Read a lot, tried a few new solitary activities. Two possible new things to add in: Gratitude stuff, writing things I am grateful for and affirmations. I noticed I am not even comfortable with the idea of myself being attractive to women naturally. So I perhaps will write affirmations for a few weeks to at least get myself comfortable with the idea. Pre severe PMO addicition I used affirmations and found I certainly benefited.

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #62 on: April 02, 2019, 11:58:25 PM »
I noticed I am not even comfortable with the idea of myself being attractive to women naturally. So I perhaps will write affirmations for a few weeks to at least get myself comfortable with the idea.

I think I have the same problem
It seems like I'm blind
When women are attracted to me I just can't see it and sometimes realize it months after that a girl liked me
I feel dumb and have regrets over this..

One time a girl told me she loved me and I just ignored her cause I thought she was kidding
The thought she could actually like me didn't even cross my mind till years later

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #63 on: April 04, 2019, 02:25:14 AM »
With you on that. Crazy how the mind works. I had an older guy who is now a ladies man type tell me how when he was younger when women looked at him he always thought it was because he had something on his face, then in his 30s he realized they were attracted to him and started dating them lol.

Well, not noticing women liking us is better then women not liking us at least....

I noticed I am not even comfortable with the idea of myself being attractive to women naturally. So I perhaps will write affirmations for a few weeks to at least get myself comfortable with the idea.

I think I have the same problem
It seems like I'm blind
When women are attracted to me I just can't see it and sometimes realize it months after that a girl liked me
I feel dumb and have regrets over this..

One time a girl told me she loved me and I just ignored her cause I thought she was kidding
The thought she could actually like me didn't even cross my mind till years later

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #64 on: April 04, 2019, 02:32:38 AM »
Day 2: Good day today. I  luckily had little to do. I had some withdrawals I think but was able to essentially entirely get rid of them and feel great.

I had this constant antsy feeling and my heart would not stop racing this morning. I kept listening to relaxation recordings and meditating, that helped a little. But my heart would not stop racing and I had trouble sitting still, it was bizzare this strong physical reaction that would not go away. I am talking hours straight.

But then,I went for a super super hard run. A very hard route where I wanted to stop and walk for almost the entire time. I did it with the intention and thought "if I push myself hard enough, there is no way my heart will still be racing after, the withdrawals will be gone". I just had the instinct that I just had to push myself super hard physically. So anyway, that is what I did.

In terms of a prolonged hard workout, it is the hardest I have done in a long long time. The whole time I kept thinking to myself "by pushing myself I am purging myself of the addiction and getting rid of the withdrawal".

It worked! By the end I was so tired it was impossible to feel anxious physically or mentally, I was able to really rest and read some nice books. The rest of the day, I still managed my emotions carefully (exercised more, practiced mindfulness) but really felt quite good and was able to control my emotions and thoughts for the rest of the day.

I have family visiting which'll be nice. It's possible I won't have as much time to post. But it'll be a good time.

Gonna keep on with this stuff. Cutting the fantasy is a priority. I was thinking, I really have struggled with this addiction for a loonngggg time, I likely have addiction related brain changes. It's time to really cut it out. No left overs no vestiges, no keeping it alive with fantasy.


pichaelthompson

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #65 on: April 04, 2019, 08:40:30 PM »
I've definitely felt that heart racing feeling before, I think it's bc our body is used to something (PMO, fantasizing) that it thinks it needs to survive, but it is only because we conditioned it that way. Working out helps me out alot too....I kind of realized that my brain will always try to play tricks on me to get me to fantasize, so it's natural to slip up sometimes....as long as I catch myself fantasizing and go back to doing what I do, I try not to make it a big deal. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself but at the same time keep your goals clear in your head, that balance is important I think :)

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #66 on: April 05, 2019, 04:46:06 PM »
Thanks bro! Very great point, goal in mind but not too hard on self. Thats a good lesson, will focus on it today. Just calmly enjoying putting in some work on my projects.

Day 3: I had some nice time with family. Started off still feeling some withdrawals, and felt bad about it since I felt I should be happier. I just sucked it up and saw my family was still super happy and did not notice, so it was nice to realize it's not all about me and they were happy so I could still have a good time. After that, I had a great time too! I get much done which I am totally fine with, but I kept up my meditating which has been AMAZING.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #67 on: April 05, 2019, 06:55:15 PM »
Glad you're making progress, meditating, cutting out fantasies, and all the rest!

It's been so great to be a part of this community and to see that the struggles I face are not unique and to see that other people are having success battling the same problems.

What you were saying about not believing that women could be attracted in you really hit home for me. It's just not something I believe could be possible, and I always have one of these three thoughts when I learn someone is interested: 1) that it's not real, 2) that they'd stop being interested as soon as they learn about my struggle with PMO, or 3) that I'm not interested back and why can't I find someone that I'm interested in who's also interested in me? None of those are very helpful thoughts, probably. But that's where I am. Our addicted brains sure have done a number on us.

Let's all hang in there! We'll get it all worked out in time

pichaelthompson

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #68 on: April 05, 2019, 09:49:59 PM »
That's nice you got some family time, always good to be around people that support you unconditionally! I'm totally with you on the "wishing I was happier" feeling, that was me most of last weekend. The fact that you were able to still have a good time regardless shows alot of mental strength and resilience which will definitely pay off in the future. Keep it up!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #69 on: April 05, 2019, 09:57:52 PM »
Thanks Guys! Really appreciate the kind words and can relate.

A big one for me, I think is finding the right balance in terms of not being hard on myself. I want to be easier on myself BUT at the same time be disciplined and control what I can control. I.E not skip out on things I don't want to do that are good for me. I am really enjoying the mindfulness and like how I am aware of my emotions.

I got quite upset about something, but decided to go dance for a bit and felt way better! Just passed a bar didn't worry about anyone else and just danced and felt better! It's not specific to dancing, I am enjoying this essentially new found ability to be like wow, my emotions are crazy! Then take an action that is healthy to fix them.

Then I told a less supportive family member about something I was excited about.... and he just poked holes in it telling me everything that could go wrong and downplaying it etc..... so I was upset again, but I called a calm friend who luckily picked up and I feel much better now.

This is some key stuff. I can't 100% of the time always get rid of my emotions and will have to deal with them, but it's nice to have healthy coping methods, the withdrawal has me pretty emotional but I am glad that I can get super super upset recognize it, then take actions that I know will make it better.

For me it is: 1) Just recognize it! Don't think about it. 2) Be soft on self, I left an event a little early cause I saw my mind and mood going down the drain + getting irritable. A second part is to let it go... like my mind is thinking "never talk to this person again!" "never go to this club again etc!" just to forget that and move on to step three (to calm the mind first).

3) Do a healthy action I know helps me.
Exercise
Dance
Go for a walk
Look at something pretty like a tree or the water
Call a positive friend (if available)
Swim (have a pool!) big one!

So I can take one of these actions and feel way better! It's like calm the emotion first, then get more stuff done. Not making any decisions or taking actions while in that bad state.

pichaelthompson

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #70 on: April 06, 2019, 07:36:28 PM »
That sounds like a really good 3-step plan! Yeah it sucks sometimes when we feel like we have no control over our emotions, and it often seems to happen at the worst/inopportune times. I guess these moments in life are inevitable, but on the bright side they will come and then pass, like a rainy cloud covering up the sun; the sun will shine soon enough with enough care for yourself. Keep up the good work!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #71 on: April 07, 2019, 06:56:42 PM »
I'm with you in being in a weird emotional spot. For some reason I've been feeling nervous almost all the time the last few weeks. I think a lot of it is school related, but I've also had some weird social things lately because of a breakup last year. That relationship just wasn't right for me, but she's been pretty weird about it since.

Definitely going to be more deliberate about following a plan like yours to deal with these emotions. They've been going crazy, and I know they're related to the urges I've been feeling the last couple days. My brain knows that PMO can make me numb for a while, so it's doing its best to take care of me, but not this time! I'll work on finding healthier outlets for my feelings, like dancing!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #72 on: April 07, 2019, 08:30:40 PM »
Thanks for the encouragement guys! I really ought to stop on this forum a bit more consistently, sometimes I am on a few times in a day then miss a few days. So much good knowledge I forgot!

Anyway two days ago was imperfect, I was fantasizing about a girl a bit and had some brief fetish fantasies pop into my head. But did not engage with them and pulled my self out of it..... still as we know, this is always something to watch.

Happily, I pulled myself out of it and today was much better. I realize a big issue there, was I was very underslept. It was wonderful to see family but it through off my sleep schedule, it effected me a good bit.

Bluehero- I am with you on the anxiety, I think it's related to this. I have heard many stories of people trying to check there phones less, it takes awhile but they realize that they get an anxious feeling before checking the phone.... So they have phone addictions, porn addictions are more powerful... It seems to me addiction or at least these digitial ones, hijack our fight/flight/anxiety system and use anxiety to get us to engage in the nonsense.

Doesn't mean those situations aren't actually stressful, but I bet the addiction/ withdrawal may make it worse.

Today: A very good day! I set some small goals for the day. Goals that were not just get this done or get that. Real tangible goals and I achieved them! I have a date tonight ( I think!) a bit nervous and my mind is trying to talk me out of it. (She is not really into you) (It'll be a waste of time) (It's not really a date) (You'll spend money and be pissed after).

But fuck the thoughts, I'll just go and have fun. It'll either be a good date or I'll learn and up my social skills

pichaelthompson

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #73 on: April 07, 2019, 08:58:45 PM »
Hell yeah, congrats on the date! I think every guy pretty much has those thoughts about a first date, it helps me to remember that I'll never really know what the girl is thinking; and honestly that's for the best if it allows me to just be me, and whatever happens after that happens.

I'm also with you on the forum consistency; I don't want to abuse it and check 10x a day as a crutch for my urges, but at the same time don't want to abandon it and get too cocky/lose my vigilance. For me, I'm thinking a range of 2x a day at most, and once every 2 days at least is consistent but allows for some flexibility as well

Do or die

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #74 on: April 07, 2019, 10:12:27 PM »
I am at day 5 today. Please tell if you have nightfall problem.
Its not about stopping. Its about to accept that you are stopped it.