Author Topic: My journal to recovery- Could use support  (Read 15003 times)

brandnewself

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #425 on: November 16, 2019, 08:39:38 AM »
It's really good that you check in on the forum daily or even more. Over time you will have record/log of your changes and you can really observe it from a more objective and broad perspective and see your improvements. Keep it up man!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #426 on: November 16, 2019, 09:16:57 PM »
That's great! I'm glad the move went well and that you're already in a good headspace. It sounds like you're off to a great start in readjustment.

Go get 'em!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #427 on: November 16, 2019, 10:36:58 PM »
Thanks bro! Pretty good day.... A few thoughts popping into my head but brushed them off pretty quick.

Gotta stay focused. Forgot ritalin in old apartment..... so going to get some more when I can. Gotta stay focused and keep this going, good things around the corner. Haven't been meditating, will do so tomorrow am. That's one of those little things that add up to help so good to get it going again ASAP

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #428 on: November 17, 2019, 09:07:17 AM »
Did the meditation this morning, it was pretty nice and relaxing. Used a guided meditation recording that was good. PMO thoughts popping into my head fairly often, but they are very weak. However must take them seriously as engaging with them leads to very bad things.....

Planning to go to yoga class soon this morning. If not that class will go to another later. Want to keep self fairly busy today

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #429 on: November 17, 2019, 10:55:18 PM »
All good stuff. Meditation has become such a lifeline to me this year. I've been doing it for a few years, but something has changed this year and it has really sort of clicked in some ways. Maybe it's just something that happens as time goes on. I don't really know, but I do know that it has helped a lot.

Definitely take those PMO thoughts seriously, but also don't worry too much about them. The less attention we pay them, the less effective they are.

Good luck with your first week at your new place!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #430 on: November 17, 2019, 11:28:57 PM »
Thanks! Looking forward to keeping the meditation going.

Feeling a slight "lack" of motivation about my recovery like it wasn't feeling that important. That is a BS thought. Because it does feel pretty damn important when you lose a nice streak and get thrown wayyyy the hell off in life.

A girl (pretty much the only one I knew in nyc) didn't answer me in a message today. Lol. No matter how much you know, this stuff can play with emotions. That's why getting support is good. I was kind of banking on dating this girl, feel a bit lame that I was almost expecting that. Oh well. So much goddamn opportunity awaits me in the future! Just got to stay on this path!

Gotta remind myself:
I probably have a working penis (or close to it)! Right now!
Man, been free of those confidence killing pmo fetish fantasies for awhile! (some of the longest ever of not fantasizing about that stuff!)
My brain is recovering! The more I recover the more capacity I will have for EVERYTHING.
I have a great family to support me, they believe in me and that'll help me stay clean.
Man, if nothing else staying clean in my journal is helpful for others to read, anything else let's a lot of people down.
IF I keep staying clean of PMO I am GUARANTEED to have a pretty awesome girlfriend in the future. On PMO that can not happen, intimacy sex etc. literally become impossible. But why worry about the little ups and downs? If I stay on this clean path, inevitably I will get where I want to go.

And finally, man this addiction really stole a lot from me. I remember some awesome girls where this led to PIED, awkward situations, me not knowing what was going on. Never seeing cool girls, girls who would have been my girlfriends.... again.

There are still MILLIONS of guys out there with PIED, maybe anxiety issues too from porn. Man, imagine how much that sucks? Basically just having a penis that does not work and not being able to do a damn thing about it. Doesn't get much worse. IDK being blind maybe?

If I were in that position, my dick not working. Never able to have sex or a full relationship with a woman, anxious and sad all the time. Depressed. DICK NOT WORKING. No women ever in my life, not capable of intimacy even outside of sex. That is a heavy heavy burden. I'd say "I'd do anything to fix this!!!" Well here I am, I am one of the lucky few who knows the problem and the solution and I have the OPPORTUNITY to fix it, my god that is a wonderful position to be in. I am grateful I am a lucky person who has the opportunity to put in work and effort to fix a major major life problem.
« Last Edit: November 17, 2019, 11:35:26 PM by quitforeverthenwin2 »

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #431 on: November 18, 2019, 09:39:26 AM »
It's really good that you check in on the forum daily or even more. Over time you will have record/log of your changes and you can really observe it from a more objective and broad perspective and see your improvements. Keep it up man!

Thanks! Great point, I tend to forgot looking over past things I have written that is a good idea. Gets me thinking, that I can also be aware of that when I write. This is valuable information for me in the future, not just writing to help myself now.

Speaking of that, very glad I wrote down what motivated me. Writing down motivations seems to lower urges (again when done in advance). That really seems to be key to the reboot/recovery being proactive, planning in advance. Way back when I'd write down motivating stuff when the urge was already super powerful, this time I did it before it really got anywhere, it was still just thoughts. As a result it never escalated. I don't think I even thought of girls at all last night as I fell asleep.

Yesterday, I kept myself totally occupied almost the whole day, found activities. That was helpful and mostly fun, was really tired by the end but that was kind of good maybe, slept pretty quickly.

Today:
Make calls for a temp job to have money coming in/ stay busy. (Being employed is important!)
Yoga maybe.
OH yeah meditation this am! (how did I almost forget?

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #432 on: November 18, 2019, 03:44:15 PM »
Wow, having the family here is such a help. I was about to basically piss away my day watching youtube, but my mom saw what was happening and really pushed me to come out with her just for a little while. That was great. Then I was thinking of doing some computer work, but wanted to do yoga, I was a little tiggered and "off".

Rushed out to yoga and had an amazing class and now feel good, calm and happy. Nice! Wow. Yoga can be a real lifesaver sometimes. I love the difficult classes. They are a super hard workout and really balance my mind.

Seeing my dad this evening. Staying busy is such a help.

I forgot my ritalin in my old city..... that scared me but I am just being meticulous and also have the help of my family which is great.



quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #433 on: November 18, 2019, 03:52:47 PM »
Just a funny/ perhaps important little thing from yesterday I forgot to post about.

I met a girl in the bookstore, turns out I had met her before years ago by a crazy coincidence. The girl seemed pretty fun and interesting, but seems to have some mental issues.

To put her in a nutshell: She is a stripper (makes great cash but has no bank account) who is currently on probation for pulling a knife out on a girl who idk posted mean stuff about her on facebook or something. She also lives with her boyfriend but "wants to leave him".

Funny how psychology works, or some weird part of me. Honestly the girl is not that attractive, I always think I'd never ever date a girl like that but part of me is triggered by her I think.

I am 80% going for a relationship now, but if I want to go on some dates have experiences/practice while I look, I could probably do better ya know? Would dating this girl and perhaps having literal criminal activity around me/ erractic behaviour help me life/ help me be more stable?

I believe a long time ago in the journal I wrote about how certain types of girls are triggering to me and are kind of separate from my healthy sexuality with real people part. Because it's like I don't take them serious as people my subconsious thinks they'd be "down for anything" etc. Anyways. Back to healthy stuff, literally MILLIONS of girls out there, I'll find an awesome one who is attractive and has great qualities. No woman can solve my problems for me or single handedly make me happy, but a good relationship can certainly add to my life I reckon.
« Last Edit: November 18, 2019, 03:56:43 PM by quitforeverthenwin2 »

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #434 on: November 18, 2019, 09:45:40 PM »
It really sounds like things are going well for you post-move. There are challenges, for sure, but it's great that you can count on the support of family and involvement in good things like yoga to help keep you on track! That's really encouraging and awesome.

A girl (pretty much the only one I knew in nyc) didn't answer me in a message today. Lol. No matter how much you know, this stuff can play with emotions. That's why getting support is good. I was kind of banking on dating this girl, feel a bit lame that I was almost expecting that. Oh well.

I get this feeling. It was maybe a long shot, and it didn't work out, but you were hoping. But you also maybe feel silly for hoping and laugh off the disappointment, but it's still disappointment. You're definitely right to say oh well and look forward to that one in a million who will make a meaningful difference in your life, but you're also not wrong to be a little bummed. Feel it, accept it, but don't be controlled by it. I've been trying to learn to be more accepting of my emotions and feelings, even the ones that I recognize don't really make sense, and it's helping me have a better attitude toward myself. Maybe I'm projecting (I like doing that), but I also think it could be good in general to acknowledge our feelings, even when we "know" we shouldn't really be having them.

That was a tangent. The point is that it sounds like you're doing great and doing a good job of recognizing what you really want (like a real relationship) and what would only get in the way (like the wrong kind of girl). Definitely wise to stay away from criminal activity, lol. Keep your eye on that eventual prize! It's coming!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #435 on: November 18, 2019, 10:47:15 PM »
Thanks man! Great insights about accepting the emotion.

On the bright side, honestly I think my hope for this girl served me very well. It helped motivate me to keep a good streak going, it kept me feeling more positive about the move. It's almost like she just represented the concept of having an awesome relationship and how cool that'll be in the future. An awesome relationship is still in the future so really nothing changes. Haven't been visualizing but it'd be nice to get back to it. Helped me handle this I think, I visualized so many girls being into me lol. Plus visualized having a good relationship that it feels pretty damn possible.

Work out class with my dad was great, really liked it. I'd like to do more workout classes, if the instructor is good they can be great. This one really was focused on proper form, I got a really good workout and I think it did my body/ old injuries well. Plus it's a social thing really nice to be there with other people. I need that. Seriously. When I workout alone it's like people are in my way, I just want the equipment to be free. Doing a class I am glad others are there and it takes my mind of the difficult parts. A much much much healthier place to be and really what I need.

I did not get along with my sibling at all (she HATED me) growing up. Got in fights in school a lot etc. Did solo sports. A lot of building up that pattern of competing against others and going it alone. Really good to find opportunities to break that habit and support others, be a part of a team, not see things as a zero sum game. Life is a lot better that way.

This forum really helps me with that too. So exercise classes, being a part of a group (something I always resisted) a good thing.

Meditated this am, then tried again this evening but it was triggering. Evening meditation simply usually doesn't work. No biggie. A short meditation plus visualization both in the morning is a better routine.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #436 on: November 19, 2019, 05:55:20 PM »
Glad my rambling was worth something!

And I think you're on to something with this idea of being part of a group. I definitely resist being in a group (like even in school growing up), and I think I'm generally pretty reluctant to make connections with people, maybe in part because I have moved around so much, so it just hasn't seemed worth doing. But you're right: it makes a big difference for the better. Something else for me to mull.

Keep it going!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #437 on: November 19, 2019, 11:39:55 PM »
Thanks man! A bit of fantasizing (not crossing threshold into the bad stuff) about girls, but other then that things going well.

I am so much happier up here around family and friends. Have an idea for a new career path, something totally different, that I am just starting to look into.

No dating propects or anything but I don't really care which is awesome. Don't feel desperate. Man, moving back was the best decision. Been wanting to learn to make things with my hands. My moms boyfriend (been together with him for 20 yrs, like married) I have known since I was a kid and is a nice guy. He is like a master legit artist, made everything in the whole apartment, like tables, chests, carved wood art, awesome stuff. Why haven't I asked him to teach me? Thinking to do that, learn from him. Plus I really like him and have known him since I was a young kid, could be cool to spend some time together. So hopefully can do that. Just ask him at least, I've been looking for classes etc. but literally live with the best case scenario for learning stuff like this.

Following the "grain brain" (book by nuero surgeon) protocol this week. This is day three. Do feel more focused, but that could just be cause I am happier.

As I typed my mom passed by ( I am in the living room floor lol) on her way to the bathroom, we chatted a bit. Honestly I like not living alone. As much as I separated myself from people, groups. I am not the type that needs much alone time. Next apartment I'll view having roomates as a good thing. Looking forward to living with future girlfriend/wife too.


This evening, watched a show with my dad, then saw friends we ate then played pool.

Whats great about how I feel, I don't feel like super "high" just happy and calm. I think just being around people I know well is the best.

WHAT WAS I DOING IN THAT OTHER CITY? I was alone rotting away, knew no one. Not moving forward in life.

Glad to have that feeling, as I was afraid I'd bemoan the fact that I left, not the case at all. Very happy to be in an exciting city with friends, family and people who actually live here that I can befriend, date etc. Rather then a constant flow of different tourists, never to be seen again.
« Last Edit: November 19, 2019, 11:43:09 PM by quitforeverthenwin2 »

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #438 on: November 20, 2019, 07:03:17 PM »
Whats great about how I feel, I don't feel like super "high" just happy and calm. I think just being around people I know well is the best.

WHAT WAS I DOING IN THAT OTHER CITY? I was alone rotting away, knew no one. Not moving forward in life.

This is so, so awesome! Sometimes people around here can sound a little frantic or emotionally intense, but you do sound happy and calm. Highs come with crashes, but genuine happiness and calmness don't come with the same roller coaster effect. It's so great that your move is showing itself to be the right choice so clearly.

I also really support the idea of learning from your mom's boyfriend. Porn is fake and it traps us in a world of fake things, preventing us from doing real things. Making things with your hands sounds like something super real, and I think that's a great counterbalance to all the internal/emotional/mental work of recovery.

Keep it up!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #439 on: November 21, 2019, 12:16:12 AM »
Thanks man! Yeah, more of the same today. Saw a friend. On the way home sat on the subway and ACROSS FROM ME. Like right across was a friend I haven't seen since I moved.... The chances?! (This city is 8 million ppl) The train has like 10 cars, 100s of ppl. He was literally the seat right across from me.

We had a great time/conversation. Went for dinner together, it was awesome.

I asked my mom's boyfriend to teach me stuff and he said sure, so gotta get on actually doing that with him.

TWO new career prospects popped up today. Pretty good seeming ones.

Saw an old mentor, who gave me a relationship book today as well a a mindfulness book. Out of nowhere, we've never even talked about this stuff, I never brought it up and this is exactly the stuff I'd been thinking I needed to work on.  I guess I better check them out. One is a mindfulness work book, the other is the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman. I flipped it open to random pages and it was like practices for relationship (exactly what I was thinking I wanted to develop) and the other is a workbook, something I also was thinking about. Man the universe/ religion whatever can work in strange ways.

Mostly feeling calm, but perhaps a tiny bit over excited. (Found a possible free program to change to a whole new industry that is worth A LOT of money). Let me remind myself: Having a great time now, but still should get a job! (Unemployed here). Nice to be rent free for the time being, but can't stay here forever and it's nice to have some money lol.

Overall great day. Talked to a few girls with friend, didn't over do it. Had a long convo with a girl, but chemistry wasn't there. Didn't ask for her number for me thats always a WIN. Not chasing girls who aren't really into me.

That's all really: Reminder to self: STAY HUMBLE. Things are going well, keep it that way. Do the small things. Do whatever it takes to stay clean as all this good stuff hinges on that...

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #440 on: November 21, 2019, 08:54:42 AM »
Last line was prophetic. Had a sort of pmo flashback as I fell asleep, it was strong but I didn't engage. Then had a weird kind of sex dream, but it seemed influenced by PMO. So gotta stay vigilant. Looking forward to getting some more ADHD meds as that stuff helps. Also being more strict about the fantasy which I was not as good with the last few days. Do the little things to stay clean.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #441 on: November 21, 2019, 08:10:28 PM »
It's crazy how things align like that sometimes! That's a lot of cool coincidences all at once. No surprise that the weird urges/dreams would show up now and just try to get in the way of all the great stuff that's happening. This addiction just doesn't know when to quit, does it?

You're right to remind yourself to stay humble, and you're right to be feeling good about things in general. You have good habits in place, but the move probably threw them a little out of order. You'll get your routines and patterns more established as time goes on.

Good luck with the job search too! It's cool that you found a couple prospects and an interesting program to switch industries.

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #442 on: November 21, 2019, 11:03:33 PM »
Thanks!

Early today I felt the effects of the urges etc. Had one of those weird feelings I haven't had in awhile that accompany, follow or precede urges. Just this intense restless upset, irritable feeling that was very strong and felt like it couldn't go away no matter what.

I looked for a gym to workout like a freaking junkie looking for heroin lol. I was so restless. Found a gym nearby and did a free trial day. I worked out like a crazy person for like 2 hours, careful to change up exercises and cardio machines to not over work any joints and hurt myself. This worked I was exhausted for hours after, not feeling amazing but got rid of that super strong feeling and weakened the urges and flashbacks. Looking forward to getting Ritalin back lol. (Lost it- it's hard to get it prescribed) Oh well, probably good for me to get through urges like that.

(When I say crazy person I mean it lol... I was like working out on a cardio machine doing intervals grunting yelling etc. I pushed so hard ...but it worked)

Rest of day was nice, family and did a bit of learning for possible future career. REALLY enjoyed it and put the left over restless energy into that.

Felt pretty happy for the last quarter of the day or so. After working out super hard then eating a bunch of healthy food (I was super hungry/ under ate) I probably literally lost a pound or two of fat today.

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #443 on: November 21, 2019, 11:14:28 PM »
10 minutes later lol.

Let me aim to keep women out of my mind for tonight and tomorrow am and invest in motivation now, as it seems to help.

I have a REALLY good streak going. In terms of how clean I have been. Remember how much I hate those escalating pmo fetishes? The shame, the ruining so much of my confidence. THEY ARE DYING. Every day I go through pushing them out of my mind, they die more and more. Man that is awesome. I have wanted that for so long. Keep it up!

My focus is so much better! I didn't even realize it, but I am learning better. My brain will continue to improve get strong, parts will literally get bigger as I heal more and more! This will make me happier, since my brain is functioning better. Not to mention how having a stronger healthier brain will make my life better! I'll have more emotional control, self-control. This will improve my relationships with friends and allow me to have a stronger social life.
I'll feel more connected to others. My life will have more meaning.

This increased focus will allow me to grow into finding a career I really like and being GOOD at it, making good money. Money'll be AWESOME lol. The focus of being clean, more money. This money will allow me to live in the location I want, I'll be able to save. I'll be able to take my family out to meals. My confidence will increase a lot. Man that'll be nice. Having money in the bank.

Being clean, gives me more energy, may raise testosterone and will allow me to be stronger and in better shape.

Above all else. It'll feel damn good to look myself in the mirror and feel good about this PMO thing being far far away in the past.

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #444 on: November 22, 2019, 11:30:01 AM »
Shoot, struggling. Fantasized about girls a bit last night, then my mind slipped into very early fetish fantasies. I did not consciously engage with them, but it was close to for me what would be a lapse. This is tough. With fantasy it would go through this cycle where I get these like pre fantasies almost without any resistance or conscious awareness then a few days later falling into the pmo fetish fantasies.

It stinks because it feels like this sort of thing I can not control. The fantasies start without my concious awareness as far as I Know. I stayed up like all night and they still happened. I really could use the Rialin, that was what allowed me to stop that part of the addiction. Had a doctors appointment today but receptionist apparently forogot to make me the appointment. So now for Tuesday.


Hopefully there is a way for me to get through this without it until Tuesday, unfortunately I don't really see what more I can do.
Well, maybe that's not true. Meditation hopefully, but lately I get urges during it sometimes.

Could use tips/help here. Pretty desparate to the point that the idea of buying other ADHD medicine's on the street is crossing my mind.

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #445 on: November 22, 2019, 01:03:03 PM »
Doctor from other state is mailing a prescription, cost a good bit of money but worth it, that stuff REALLY helps. Should have it by tomorrow.

Signed up for meditation group tonight, don't normally love medtiation groups but it'll prob help me to do a longer/quality meditation and being around others I think will lower urges. So the meditation should help.


gragnok

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #446 on: November 22, 2019, 02:38:24 PM »
Hang in there!
I haven’t been back through all of your journals yet so don’t have a crystal clear understanding, but sounds like medication tomorrow will be helpful.
Meditation works very well for me personally, sounds like a good plan!

faenoe

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #447 on: November 22, 2019, 06:23:25 PM »
Hey quit. Just catching up from this week. I really enjoyed your post from the 17th. The truth is, like you said, that there is nothing good porn has to offer you. Everything lies within sticking to your goal of being free from porn.

Anyways, just wanted to say thanks for your posts. I always enjoy reading them. Sorry things have been though lately but you can do it. Do whatever you can to think about other things. Taking walks has always helped me. Go explore your new environment and maybe try to think of some fun date ideas. You have made it this far man. Keep it up.

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #448 on: November 22, 2019, 06:47:46 PM »
Thanks so much guys! Man the little words of encouragement can help so much. Because I really was not finding it in myself even a minute ago. Really needed to hear them.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #449 on: November 22, 2019, 08:23:41 PM »
You've got this! You have come this far, and you have good tools for dealing with these things. Plus your medication is coming, and that will definitely help. Just hang on (that's not a long-term solution, but it can work until you get your prescription).

The last couple weeks have been full of urges and triggers for me, and they have really gotten under my skin and made me worried. But they pass! This will pass, maybe not today, but it will pass. You'll get through it. One day at a time.

I think you're doing some smart things, going to work out and going out to meditate. These might not be things that you have to do every day, but they can be useful in an emergency. Other things might slide a little bit, but the main priority now is just getting through the next day clean (and you have gotten through so many days clean already!)

Things are working out, and your addiction knows it. If you're living a happy and abundant life, you won't have any need for your addiction, so it's trying to mess things up for you so it doesn't lose control. Don't let it win!

Cheering you on!