Author Topic: My journal to recovery- Could use support  (Read 6314 times)

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #25 on: March 20, 2019, 08:16:19 PM »
Just catching up on your journal now--keep it up! I recently caught myself looking at women throughout the day and using them as like light porn. I had never realized it before, but it was definitely a trigger for me. Something I'm working on, and it's good to hear you are too.

Also your experience reading is relatable to me. I don't know how many times I've been reading a book when my brain thought it saw a sexual word somewhere else on the page, so my eyes darted there only to see some other word that was spelled differently. Our brains do crazy things to us, but it's cool that we're becoming more aware of it. There's no way to get back in control without first becoming aware, so I think it's a great thing to recognize

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #26 on: March 20, 2019, 10:56:11 PM »
Great point! Good way to look at it.... the awareness is huge. Meditation is helping me.

My update: Had a good day, felt sad on way home, very early "I need a woman" feeling- which is really the very early start of a craving im0. But honestly reading others posts and replying to support has me forgettting about it. I can just rest up and enjoy a nice book until I go to bed, if I have energy maybe I'll pop in a local bar but probably not. Tomorrow I am going out though, would like to socialize a bit.

Just catching up on your journal now--keep it up! I recently caught myself looking at women throughout the day and using them as like light porn. I had never realized it before, but it was definitely a trigger for me. Something I'm working on, and it's good to hear you are too.

Also your experience reading is relatable to me. I don't know how many times I've been reading a book when my brain thought it saw a sexual word somewhere else on the page, so my eyes darted there only to see some other word that was spelled differently. Our brains do crazy things to us, but it's cool that we're becoming more aware of it. There's no way to get back in control without first becoming aware, so I think it's a great thing to recognize

pichaelthompson

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #27 on: March 20, 2019, 11:29:41 PM »
That's awesome that you're meditating, I need to start doing that every day as I've been only doing it 2-3 times a week. It seems like you did a good job of applying awareness to negative emotions, as feeling sad is a very natural, normal thing for all humans, and you were able to turn that feeling into helping others on this forum and doing what's best for you!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #28 on: March 21, 2019, 01:08:55 PM »
Thanks bro! Today has been pretty tough. Very anxious and confused mind all over the place, been obsessing over whether to go try a new hobby or not (is it too much, do I have enough time?). Pretty irrational thoughts as I could go just today and don't need to take this hobby on forever by trying it once lol. Anyway, yeah thats pretty much it, pretty bad withdrawal.

I should note: what my mind is telling me is, 1) I don't have time to go to this activity 2) I need to go and talk to girls instead.

I should note: Yes I do want to socialize more and put more into my dating life and skills with women. But, when I was feeling good I badly wanted to do this hobby, now when I have bad withdrawal and urges, and feel crazy my brain is telling me. You have to skip the hobby! And, you should go looking for women (likely a bad idea in this state and to impulsively do what, find a girlfriend walking around a mall???). That is very irrational, it's basically a setup, feel desperate for female attention and go try and get it in a sure to fail way and then go home feeling terrible and super triggered. It's almost like a setup by the addiction... man I am glad I posted as I did not notice that until now.  So I still feel nuts but may as well trust the decision I made when I was at my best, go do the hobby. Try it out and see how it goes, no commitments. AND I will go out tonight to socialize and can talk to girls then, in a PLANNED and rational way.

My commitment:
Go do the hobby
Go out and socialize for at least an hour tonight
Do my 30 minutes of working on the smart book.
THAT is it- I have more I want to do, but will consider anything else icing on top for today. (I feel quite overwhelmed, so am simplifying and keeping the main commitments and the crucial (daily smart workbook)


quote author=pichaelthompson link=topic=16884.msg172761#msg172761 date=1553142581]
That's awesome that you're meditating, I need to start doing that every day as I've been only doing it 2-3 times a week. It seems like you did a good job of applying awareness to negative emotions, as feeling sad is a very natural, normal thing for all humans, and you were able to turn that feeling into helping others on this forum and doing what's best for you!
[/quote]
« Last Edit: March 21, 2019, 01:12:38 PM by Quitforeverthenwin »

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #29 on: March 21, 2019, 08:21:02 PM »
Sounds like a good plan!

Meditation has been a huge part of my recovery the last two years or so. It has made a huge difference, especially lately. One of the things I've been realizing it that there is time. Sometimes I want to rush and do everything now, but I'm trying to realize that it's okay to do things one at a time.  (I think the wanting it now is part of what fuels my addiction, and I'm thinking about how that impatience affects other parts of my life.)

I guess what I'm saying is, based on what feels right for you, don't worry about only focusing on your hobby and recovery now. Socializing is an important step probably, but maybe it doesn't have to come right now.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #30 on: March 22, 2019, 12:18:24 AM »
You hit the nail on the head right there.... I was quite stressed, part was cravings I bet, but a large part of it, was I was trying to do too much. Honestly the hobby WAS a mistake, that was actually correct. I already have re take up an old hobby, have a new hobby AND want to socialize more and am doing a lot of career stuff. That is already almost too much! One thing at a time, constant new hobbies wouldn't be all that rewarding, going to appreciate what I am already doing.

Update: Feeling much better, I don't feel good but I am sort of happy. A bit proud of myself that I pushed through and did some good actions I did not want to do. I did look at women's bodies a bit today, but kept my mind clear. Looking forward to a nice night of sleep and a even better day tomorrow : )


Sounds like a good plan!

Meditation has been a huge part of my recovery the last two years or so. It has made a huge difference, especially lately. One of the things I've been realizing it that there is time. Sometimes I want to rush and do everything now, but I'm trying to realize that it's okay to do things one at a time.  (I think the wanting it now is part of what fuels my addiction, and I'm thinking about how that impatience affects other parts of my life.)

I guess what I'm saying is, based on what feels right for you, don't worry about only focusing on your hobby and recovery now. Socializing is an important step probably, but maybe it doesn't have to come right now.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #31 on: March 22, 2019, 08:08:19 AM »
Edit: Day 10 today!

Woke up feeling pretty awful, went back to bed to rest. But caught myself saying "I am horny" over and over feeling desparatly "horny". That is an urge right there.... Glad to have gotten out of bed and post here again.

Perhaps I ought to be more careful about looking at girls, was around quite a few last night and that contributed for sure. Also I may have been over ambitious with the schedule I created for myself, could of used a bit more sleep.
« Last Edit: March 22, 2019, 08:11:00 AM by Quitforeverthenwin »

pichaelthompson

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #32 on: March 22, 2019, 11:45:25 AM »
Nice job! Perhaps your schedule may have been too much, but in my opinion it's better to over-exert yourself and then find the balance after adjusting than being lazy/giving into urges, like lifting too many weights....your muscles might be sore after but they will definitely be alot stronger!

Unfortunately, we live in a world of instant gratification so we expect instant results from the positive changes we make. Sometimes we do not see things getting better day by day, but in the long run we can look back and realize all our suffering was well worth it :)

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #33 on: March 22, 2019, 07:23:02 PM »
Exactly--just keep at it, adjusting as you go. I got back into bread-baking recently, and even when you have all the ingredients mixed together, you still have to give it time to rise. I really think recovery is like that. Even for all that we're trying to do, time is a part of the healing process, and I have to keep reminding myself of that when progress feels slow.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #34 on: March 22, 2019, 10:49:05 PM »
Thanks for the support guys. Sorry if this post is not too informative. Man, I feel pretty bad today. I guess this is withdrawal and could not be considered anything else. Before this journal I had some really bad slips every few days, so I guess this is what happens.

Luckily I have held 95% of it in, but I have spent a good portion of the day ruminating on things, being ludicrously angry and feeling desperate to be dating and have female company. Goodness emotions are odd, in the moment, I can not imagine feeling happy and think the only thing that would make me happy is a girl with me, sex or something. But logically I know and can remember just a few days ago being totally happy and not even worried about whether I found a girl or not....

Well glad to write this as putting that on paper gives me perspective and helps realize this will pass....

I found that if all else fails intense exercise can get me through a lot of these emotions, so I may just accept over exercising for a few days here and there, being a little sore and physically tired won't kill me. Early I felt like a cross between strong anxiety and extreme anger, I quite in the middle of my visualizing as I was so furious that I heard a lawn mower outside. But then I just worked out hard, just for a few minutes and felt far better after.

Cardio vascular exercise seems the key, as a hack. If all else fails to get rid of some of these crazy emotions. I am very tired but may end up doing some tonight.

You know, that is a big win..... I had some of the strongest emotions I have had in a looonnngggg time and the way I handled it was to go exercise, it was almost instinct, that is a big win a healthy way to handle my emotions.

So I feel like shit and it's been very hard to see the big picture today, but I am still making progress. Still I must be vigilant an urge popped up even as I wrote that very sentence. I gotta remember, put in the work now. Often a night like this, the day after I will have a very lovely day as a reward for getting through it..

Edit: Sorry some grammar and spelling errors here, I am quite out of it. It's honestly almost interesting to me, I speak another language fairly well and literally spoke it to 25% of my ability awhile ago, couldn't have even a basic conversation the brain is such a funny thing.
« Last Edit: March 22, 2019, 11:04:08 PM by Quitforeverthenwin »

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #35 on: March 22, 2019, 10:51:50 PM »
Good point, I have followed a schedule like this before but I simply have to put more effort into my reboot then in the past, so it's a lot. I think I will ask less of myself.... it could make things a hell of a lot easier.

Nice job! Perhaps your schedule may have been too much, but in my opinion it's better to over-exert yourself and then find the balance after adjusting than being lazy/giving into urges, like lifting too many weights....your muscles might be sore after but they will definitely be alot stronger!

Unfortunately, we live in a world of instant gratification so we expect instant results from the positive changes we make. Sometimes we do not see things getting better day by day, but in the long run we can look back and realize all our suffering was well worth it :)

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #36 on: March 22, 2019, 10:53:17 PM »
Great point! I feel like shit right now, but good to keep that in mind. So long as I am moving forward in time doing the right things, I am progressing. Even though at this moment, my brain is flipping out cause I feel about as bad as I did on day 0. But it's all part of the process.

Exactly--just keep at it, adjusting as you go. I got back into bread-baking recently, and even when you have all the ingredients mixed together, you still have to give it time to rise. I really think recovery is like that. Even for all that we're trying to do, time is a part of the healing process, and I have to keep reminding myself of that when progress feels slow.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #37 on: March 22, 2019, 11:07:04 PM »
I need a rest tomorrow BUT I just remembered, having goals written out is huge to me. I stopped reading mine and they are a bit outdated. I am going to spend 30 min or an hour writing goals and aside from errands I must do. THAT IS IT. For tomorrow (plus my damn 30 min of smart lol.

So an hour of work, then just enjoy myself nap and read no burdens. Recharge

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #38 on: March 23, 2019, 10:46:29 AM »
So, I made a bit of a mistake last night but it could have been far worse. In short I fantasized about porn and some of my fetishes last night, I am not sure for how long. Then I was fantasizing about sex with a past girlfriend (not nearly as bad).

This is not the absolute worst thing in the world, but still I do want to consider the fantasy about porn something of a lapse. BUT, I can see it is nothing like pmo. I came as close to looking at porn as is possible.

The good, is that I actually was able to fantasize and not pmo and actually eventually lost interest. It is also good that I DID NOT of course look at p or m which would have been a major disaster.

The bad is, this is not good for my recovery and is, perhaps a small step back. What is also bad, is I had the feeling that there is no way I could have stopped myself from doing it. I had this incredibly intense exhaustion I did get out of bed etc.

But thats not true, I could have done a bit better most likely. 1) Being more prepared- I felt horrifying during the day but did not recognize it as a strong urge, just was feeling crazy emotions. When I feel that way I should prepare myself for a tough night. Prepare mentally and decide in advance I may not sleep.

2) As a few of you have said, I must soften my schedule a bit. I started a new job and it is more stressful then I realized.  Often when I am not working at something, I am mad at myself. Simply going to ease on myself, take more leisure give myself time for naps, tell myself I am allowed to nap rest and sleep during day. I'll have more energy to avoid urges at night and it'll be easier mentally to stay up all night if I need to, if I know it's okay for me take a long nap and not be productive all the time.

pichaelthompson

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #39 on: March 23, 2019, 06:57:57 PM »
Hang in there bro! I've been getting alot of urges too, for me it pops in my head and even if I dismiss it, it often comes back sooner than I expected. If I were to count all the minor urges, it could be upwards of 100x a day (or more). Just sharing to let you know you're not alone in this struggle, and we can always do positive and healthy things regardless of what happens in our head! I hope you can get some sleep, I understand it is hard when your thoughts are racing and you're emotional but do everything you can to calm your mind down. For me, it helps to go back to my meditation practice- I try to focus on my body sinking into the bed, notice all the physical sensations, as well as "hearing" the silence around me. Best of luck to you

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #40 on: March 25, 2019, 04:24:32 PM »
Thanks bro! Just a real brief check in. I was still fanasizing a bit last few days. Some challenges going on and very off track. Will look to reset over the next coming days. At least I am PMO free!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #41 on: March 25, 2019, 06:56:09 PM »
Hang in there, man, you're doing the right thing!

I think you're right that fantasizing isn't quite the same a full relapse but also isn't good. I know those fantasies, which have been coming in and out of my head the last couple days, are usually the first step towards a relapse. So it's good to be aware of them early and to find a way forward without relapsing.

We're all in this fight together, and we'll win in the end!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #42 on: March 26, 2019, 08:25:59 PM »
Thanks Bro!

So, I had a few realizations recently. I was being waayyyyy too hard on myself. Trying to be perfect. Instead of doing everything right, do the things that really matter right.

That being said: I am resetting the clock. Today is day 2. For a simple reason. I have big issues with a very particular type of fantasy about porn induced fetishes. I did that for a few days. I need very specific things I am cutting out/ definition of clean.

No PORN No Masturbation No Self induced orgasm/ or anything self induced sexual like idk rubbing on something.
No engaging in porn induced fetishes. No fantasizing conciously about porn induced fetishes.

Fantasizing about real women and vanilla sex= separate. I may want to lower it/ not over do it. But It is CLEARLY NOT part of my addiction. I think trying to cut out 100% of sexual thoughts caused me problems.

So anyways. Not much to report. I feel a lot better. I barely fantasized about the porn induced fetishes two days ago and did not yestarday nor today. Feeling pretty good, attracted to real women. Not trying so hard to do everything. Not over analyzing. Just keeping it simple, cut out the addiction stuff and be soft on myself on other things.

I mean honestly: I have had no junk food in months, eating a perfect day by my standards (literally), I have been working out almost every day, I have not used the internet or streamed any shows only using it for useful stuff. (for months! (except for my brief lapes)). I am in a pretty good spot. I don't really even have any super unhealthy activities left.... I also have been doing well in my current hobbies.

So the key is handle the really important stuff and be softer on myself.
1) Better job
2) Everything else- just keep it up.

I was trying to do so much shit at once and be perfect. I got annoyed at someone today... but they were actually being annoying! Like even time I got irritated I viewed it as a big problem and was ruminating, for me the big problem was trying to be perfect I think.   

pichaelthompson

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #43 on: March 27, 2019, 01:07:33 PM »
Sounds like a really good plan! It seems the simpler you make life the better, you can just flow from one thing to the next because you don't have to overthink anything. Keep it up!

BTW I've had to reset as well, I'm confident both of us will come back wiser and stronger

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #44 on: March 27, 2019, 07:46:10 PM »
That does look like a great plan. I know the pressure of wanting to fix everything all at once, but that's just a sure way to get even more frustrated, which, for me, usually leads right to porn.

Recovery takes time, and we've got years of life still to live. I think there's a lot of wisdom in slowing down and doing fewer things more carefully instead of wearing ourselves out with a lot of stuff all at once (and failing at it all)

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #45 on: March 27, 2019, 10:44:21 PM »
Thanks guys! Great insights. Sorry to hear about the reset pichael, hopefully we can both come back better, as you said. It does not erase all of our progress.

Great point Blue..... it's like, for years there are so  many things I've wanted to do, it's all about patience. If I had focused on one for a year imagine how far i'd be....

Man, thats gonna be a big thing for me.... REALLY slowing down. Going with the flow a bit more.


Day 3: Had a pretty good day. Uneventful. I skimped on meditating for a few days earlier in week but did a bunch today and it was quite nice. Slept in a bit. Not gonna try and do too much at once. Tomorrow I am going to get up earlier, I have a few things to get done but may take the rest of the day easy. Build back up slowly.
« Last Edit: March 27, 2019, 11:00:46 PM by Quitforeverthenwin »

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #46 on: March 28, 2019, 03:20:15 PM »
Day 4:

Solid day so far. Had some good meditation. Got some stuff done this morning, building up slowly.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #47 on: March 28, 2019, 08:09:27 PM »
Awesome! Meditation is such a strength for me. Glad it's working for you too!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #48 on: March 28, 2019, 11:36:28 PM »
Thanks! Making my focus smaller and focusing on having good quality meditation. It's good for that day but it compounds and will add up overtime.

Today, was a pretty good day. Got some stuff done, read a lot. Tomorrow I simply want to do a bit more. I was pretty tired may have a slight cold, if thats the case it is what it is, I'll take it easy for a couple days. If I don't have the cold then I'll do more tomorrow and especially Saturday.

The focuses will be: Work related study, apply to new jobs, more socializing. That is it and is plenty.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #49 on: March 29, 2019, 07:34:59 PM »
Awesome. have a great weekend!