Author Topic: My journal to recovery- Could use support  (Read 5473 times)

LeanAndBop

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #175 on: May 16, 2019, 02:23:04 PM »
Hope you are OK Quit. Thanks for your posts you have positive energy.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #176 on: May 16, 2019, 04:14:55 PM »
Thanks lean and bop! I really appreciate the encouragement and kind words. It helps me to keep moving forward and build momentum. And it's always great to have support.


You know I think I read this somewhere, but when there is a problem taking action to fix it just makes you feel better. It still sucks I miss talking but I am doing everything I can to take care of my throat.

I threw out all hot sauce. (bad for throat)
Not eating any dairy ( also can cause issues)
Got tea with honey

AND I called a singing school and made an appointment to see a teacher there. The owner of the school asked around and found a teacher who said she thinks she can help. Not really to sing but singers know how to use the voice properly. So I have an appointment for next week and can hopefully improve my speaking technique to stay healthy.


Taking all this action to try and help myself, makes me feel good about myself. It's good for my self image- I feel like "I am the type of guy who will fight to take care of himself/ fight to make things work in his life!". So I feel good about that. Worst case, I got some numbing spray and can use that to get through work if I need to for the short term.

So glad to post here because it gives me an idea:

Make lemonade! I got a ton of good books of the library yesterday and remember I said I got some books on how to write?
This could be a fun day to read my butt off and perhaps try my hand and writing. Plus take a nap lol, perhaps it's a cold as I do feel tired. Either way, going to keep things going. Stay vigilant and do whatever I can to get/ stay healthy. And a KEY is to avoid my self pity thoughts "waahhhh I just got a good job now I am losing my voice I am cursed" or whatever.

It's logical, I may have a cold/ a persistent bug and I likely have bad speaking technique. Get healthy and learn proper singing technique and the problem will be solved. It's not personal, just handle the problem and aim to stay optimistic.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #177 on: May 16, 2019, 06:06:20 PM »
Colds are a drag, but it sounds like you're in a good spot overall! That's awesome!

I guess all I can say is keep moving forward!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #178 on: May 16, 2019, 07:49:42 PM »
Thanks!

My body is telling me to rest so this evening I am not doing ANYTHING. I stopped at the library bought food for tomorrow and am actually looking forward to this. Doing anything is annoying right now, thats fine just my body telling me to rest.

I have a funny book and the sequel to the funny book! Gonna look forward to pretty much just reading to my hearts content

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #179 on: May 16, 2019, 11:48:12 PM »
Quick little check in! Had a moment of stress with some noisy neighbors (someone airbnbing next door). But I was probably 40% less stressed then I was by this sort of thing even a week ago. So I am in a improved spot, handling things better.

Had a few PMO things pop into my head, brushing them off easily, but posting to keep myself honest!

Read nearly the whole book and had a great time! A few pages left. Man it's nice, I feel so indulgent just reading a nice funnny book and eating fruit. It's a good place to be. And really it is real pleasure, I feel so much better then I would surfing youtube for example ( or worse). Clear headed, rested happier.

LeanAndBop

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #180 on: May 17, 2019, 04:37:48 AM »
Sounds great! A good place to be.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #181 on: May 17, 2019, 10:35:22 AM »
Thanks man!

So it seems like I guess most of my throat issues is due to being a little sick. Which I guess is better then if i had some throat injury that could be recurring. I am going to CONSCIOUSLY aim to be positive about this.

Simple, just deal with it, stay  positive and when I have to work take over the counter stuff so that my throat works well enough.

Also being super positive can't hurt. I am going to try and will myself to be better. Positive self talk. "My immune system is strong, my throat is healing". Easier said then done to think that way.

Also going to eat super healthy now.... I was not eating enough veggies, when I have a daily smoothie I mostly stay healthy so going to be a lot more disciplined about it. I just drank one and it was delicious. 

I am feeling a bit sorry for myself BUT, the journal is a good opportunity for me to challenge the thoughts I guess.

Thinking like "waahhh I am always sick, I have a weak immune system etc."

Versus:
It's normal, I have a cold or something or maybe I've had some strange bug for awhile now. I've been sick before and always gotten better, and it probably will get better soon. Plus I really don't feel that bad. I am probably at like 70% capacity, plus normally when I go about my days, I'll actually feel better.


Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #182 on: May 17, 2019, 11:26:22 AM »
Enjoying reading my book, was going to go to a yoga class but feeling really tired so decided to rest. Enjoying reading the book but still gotta watch myself, had a few slight cravings pop into my head.

Was just going to write that I am stumped, but I have a plan.....

Going to leave my apartment and go lay down/ read by the pool or by the beach. I'll still be resting but it may help with cabin fever and allay the cravings a bit. After that I can plan on whats next.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #183 on: May 17, 2019, 05:10:28 PM »
Great stuff! I'm glad you've found a good book (and a sequel!), and I think chilling by the pool is probably a good idea.

I'm with you on thinking about eating more healthy. It's not that I've been eating junk, but I could definitely get more vegetables in there.

Good luck with the recovery (from the cold as well as the recovery we're all working on)!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #184 on: May 17, 2019, 07:48:31 PM »
Thanks! Funny you mention veggies, been eating a lot more today and I really think it's doing me good. Carrots, peppers and cucumber raw and plain are actually yummy!

The pool was lovely, laying in the sun for like an hour, spoke to a few people by the pool, it was very refreshing. I was unsure as to whether I should go to the gym... I did and had a really nice workout! Felt the best I have in weeks. I did more volume lower weight, my body loved it. My joints had been hurting a bit. I felt my muscles work a lot more and felt nice a loose and warm after with a pump, versus stiff and joint pain.

I went for a walk, checked out bookstore and went back to gym and hit heavy bag and stretched! Getting a sweat going was really nice.

I noticed I am "noticing women" more. The funny thing is, not until I started noticing them did I notice that I had not been noticing them for the last few days. (Interesting sentence structure I notice ;).  This is a somewhat bad thing as I recognize it as a very slight trigger/craving, but it's not too strong and it's really nice that it hadn't been there lately.

Felt really good with all my working out. I feel calm and aware. I felt some sadness, like I am missing out, I should be doing more on friday night. But I was very aware of it, calmly aware and was thinking of the feeling. I think it is something of a habit. I had a nice day, I spoke to friendly people, rested read a nice book worked out. I'll probably go out and watch basketball a bit, and I got some good rest. As far as a sick day/ recovery day goes I had a great time.

So, I think when younger I felt I was missing out a lot, so the feeling is habitual. Sure, I'd like to add things but I think it's mostly the feeling. I oddly would feel it even when with people sometimes. Just self-awareness'll help I think.

I have been listening to hypnosis recordings, much better for me then meditation. Been feelimg good so may as well keep in mind what is working.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #185 on: May 18, 2019, 08:18:52 AM »
I ended up staying in, did some reading and tried to get to bed really early. So I am clearly a little bit sick, but I am in fairly good spirits. I'll take a bunch of over the counter stuff eat healthy etc. ( I have work next two days).

For the first time in awhile I had some legit fairly strong cravings. Thoughts popping into my head like "All I want is __________ fetish". I was really tired and was in bed half asleep, with this stuff popping in my head. Eventually I turned light back on and started reading a bit and that helped.

The good news is I NEVER engaged in conscious fetish fantasy or anything, I am happy to be not doing that, it's been feeling great and man is it nice to stay where I am......

Now, being clear headed. I feel much nicer, more self-aware. I was worried I was brain damaged a week or two ago now it's like "oh cool my brain actually works!" I feel like I can think, I can plan, I am mostly aware of my own thoughts and feelings. I still have a long way to go but it's nice to see that this mental state is at least possible for me. I am thinking keep taking care of myself a lot, as I have been then at some point slowly start to do more so I can get used to calmly gettting more done.

 Even fantasizing about the fetishes TOTALLY throws things off. For me it's nearly the same as P. It's like some crazy trance. I'd have ended up with likely a flatlilne, as well as that awful anxiety back in my chest. It makes me act all weird and stressed around women, so my improving social life would be fucked up. (I've been getting a long better with women lately, I can act normal). It would be such an awful feeling and there is literally no benefit. I can now enjoy myself in bed in healthy way. I can take naps, read in bed etc. I've been enjoying my time in my apartment! I am proud of this and it took my some time to build, so I want to KEEP IT UP.

(Just a bit of my reasons the positives of staying PMO/fantasy free and negatives of lapses- To maintain and increase my motivation).

As far as last night: I may have very slightly over reached: 1) I went right into bed to read: It's nice that I can read in bed now, but still it's usually better for me to read on the couch until really tired, then read a bit and sleep. This is also kind of fun for some reason. Reading on the couch, just indulging in a book, not feeling like I should be sleeping or anything. So I'll keep this in mind.
2) I had forgotten to do a hypnosis recording and I did it really late in the evening and in my bed, during it a few craving thoughts popped into my head. So also, I can make efforts to do it sooner in the evening and not do it in bed.

All in all, I got to sleep really early so even with waking up a few times I slept a ton and I feel fairly at peace. I am a little sick.... so I'll do what I need to do to get through work, by staying home a lot and being a little less active, which is okay. Slightly nervous about how my voice will be, but again, I think I can use the numbing spray and I'll be alright.


Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #186 on: May 18, 2019, 10:54:48 AM »
Sort of checking in for no real reason...

A few things, that'll I want to remember/ expand on later.

Being happy without women (just dating/ realtionship won't make me happy- happy first then getting girls is a nice side dish/ benefit but it's not the core).

Staying vigiliant!

Man- it's awesome that I am actually enjoying rest in a healthy way sooo much. This is big and an important habit.

Next week- Festival is coming to town, it brings a bad crowd and a lot of nosie. Prepare for it without getting doom and gloom.

Get lots of books and use ear plugs.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #187 on: May 18, 2019, 02:38:48 PM »
So, there was an issue at work, totally unrelated to me but we closed early and I worked only briefly. But luckily my voice felt okay. I am definitely sick, this is actually a good thing, because I feel like I just kind of push through and talk, for the most part and be uncomfortable.... that is a lot better then having some vocal injury or some chronic problem. My job is slightly less consistent then I thought but still is a great start.

I am noticing women's body parts quite a bit today... So gotta stay vigiliant.

I remember what happens

"Oh, It's a real women I can look at her"
"MMM let me think about sex with her- She's a real woman and I feel good! So this must be good for me, it's not pmo"
By that night *thinking really intensely about sex with her*----> Then it's not as satisfying.

Diving into intense less standard sexual fantasies or memories.
Then getting super strong urges and getting lost in PMO fetish fantasies, not sleeping that night and basically setting my recovery WAY back.

I also keep wanting to go on tinder.

Part of me is saying "well it'd be a good way to date women". BUT- I think I know better. Let me be honest with myself. My desire to go on tinder is not a logical "well, I could get some dates!". My desire to go on it IS AN URGE. It is part of my addiction, at least when used improperly.

I went on there looking for girls and hoping they'd want to engage in PMO fetishes. I'd look through photos hoping to find something triggering. I did perhaps my most shameful thing ever on tinder.

So, yeah. Stay away from that shit. It actually was the start of a TON of my lapses in the past year. Gotta find the balance.

A balance between.
Yeah I want to meet women.
But doing it without it being some impulsive or doing it because I think I am horny (Which oftentimes is pmo trigger compulsivness)

Anyways, getting that stuff off my chest. I guess I am somewhat in a valley of my recovery. It's like an upward trend but there are peaks and valleys. Last few days more urges. BUT, the urges are sooo sooo much more managable then in the past. BUT I still can not get arrogant....

The funny books I was reading are biogrpahies of a drug addcit comedian, it is funny, sometimes triggering and showing bad attitudes. BUT also educational. The guy got on and off drugs over and over and arrogance is what got him over and over.

He went to a rehab place that worked for him- Thought "I am good now!" checked out early and was back on drugs.

He had two guys help him get off heroin, he felt great for a few months- They told him, he needed to have somone be with him on the road for a YEAR to really be sure he'd stay off. He said "no I am good!" and was drinking 5 days later then back on heroin.

Not saying that I need to hire someone to follow me for a year, thank god I am not addicted to heroin. BUT there is a lesson there. Being vigilant and doing the right stuff has me in a good spot at the moment, what will keep me here is continuing to do that! Likely for a lot longer than I think I need to or forever.

So no slipping into just a little sexual fantasy. It doesn't matter if that is okay for most people. I have done that before for YEARS. What's working is clear mind. I am not a robot, I can be attracted to women, just watch myself, watch for triggers and not going into the fantasy hole.

One last thing: That girl, the last one. Things didn't work out at all. I intentionally did not even post about it. The rest of my life was going well, I am proud of myself! I let the girl be a small thing in life and handled it well. We had a lot of eye contact connecting and physical contact and I have been totally fetish fantasy free, so I view it as some good rewiring and bet it left my brain in improved shape for sure! Plus I handled it wayyy better then the last girl, putting my mind on other things.

It's gotta be about my life, the girls just come in it. If they go it's still my life. There is a dating coach I really don't like, but one thing he talked about I like.

If life were a movie: It'd be YOUR movie. Not the girls movie. So it's like you do stuff, the girl comes she goes then more things happen a new girl comes a long, you get the job whatever.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #188 on: May 18, 2019, 06:20:17 PM »
Oh, I know exactly what you mean about saying "it's okay, it's a real woman." Only within the last few months have I started noticing that habit in myself. I justify it by saying it's a real person, and I'm single so it makes sense to check out women. But here's the thing: I was not looking at them on my way to talk to them or ask them out. I was looking at them just to look and get a little shot of dopamine that I couldn't get from PMO anymore. Like I think being attracted to someone is one thing because it draws you closer and makes things happen. But just staring from a distance, for me, isn't any different from PMO. It's been a lot of work to keep my cool when I'm out and about so that I don't just reinforce the same addictive dopamine loop with real women around town. There are contexts where it seems reasonable that I would interact with and maybe date women, so then I think it's maybe okay, so long as I'm actually interacting with them and building relationships. But that kind of thing isn't realistic with most of the women I see during a day, so I'm trying to get that under control.

And I've never used Tinder, but I have used other things like Twitter and Instagram that I've decided I just can't use anymore, no matter how useful they might be. I always end up in trouble when I use them. It might be the case that even if you can think of a hundred legitimate reasons to use Tinder, you just can't because the risk of relapse is too high to justify it. Why are you using it? To legitimately meet someone you could form a long-term relationship with or just (secretly) to see some pretty girls and get a dopamine fix? For me, social media usually just ends up being about getting a dopamine fix, so I've had to cut it out.

This is all a gigantic way of saying that I started paying attention a few months ago to the things that trigger a dopamine fix and not just PMO. I've sort of gotten out of the habit of that, and I think that's part of what's at the root of the triggers and urges that I've been dealing with lately: I've been too casual about watching out for dopamine triggers that aren't PMO, and the cycle is slowly leading me back to thinking about and wanting PMO more lately.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #189 on: May 18, 2019, 06:30:59 PM »
Wow, thanks really hit the nail on the head there. I was posting to my journal and your reply popped up just before I posted.

For me even approaching women can be a bit of a dopamine fix. I'll impulsively want to go and talk to girls... now, that is not to say that talking to girls is bad and you guys need to avoid it. But there is a difference between me going and wanting to talk to girls and connect with them or having a plan (It may sound a little machiaellian but I find it is not a great idea to go up and talk to girls without a plan, having a plan makes things a lot easier).

I was experiencing this A LOT today and yesterday, my mind just zeroing in on a bodypart. Something wild is.... When I thought about it... a lot of these girls I could not even imagine dating or having real sex in my bed with. It was just a dopamine/live pmo type of deal.

Anyway this brings me to my next point: I do want to up my social skills and socialize more with women with CONTROL. I think this actually will be helpful when I

A) See the same attractive women and over it seems healthy for my brain. In my dance class there are some super attractive women, my brain now seems them as "the girl from my dance class" rather than a collection of body parts. I still find them attractive but in the real healthy way.

B) Maybe not quite "as" good BUT having a plan when talking to women. Not being just like OMG hot girls! Most of my skills with women (although they could be far far about) came about by specific practice. It is actually oddly more fun to go and talk to girls with a plan to practice something, rather then to try and get the girls. Since it becomes less serious and personal. So IF I am going to keep "cold approaching" girls. I NEED a plan. Non of this just running aound talking to girls wasting my time and harming my self esteem crap.

So anyway: I plan to ummm plan lol. I want to take the time and make a plan for improving my social/ dating life. This job was a big win... (I could still use a little more money but I think I am okay for the time being). So maybe it's time to round out more of my life and get a social life? Sigh.... I may invest in this video product on how to build a social circle. I don't want to spend the money lol but it had good reviews and maybe it's just what I need....

If I succeed, maybe I'll have to edit out some details form my journal for privacy sake lol. If I end up knowing 100s of people maybe one or two of them will know this forum haha.


Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #190 on: May 19, 2019, 12:20:32 AM »
Went out, some good stuff happened. Met a girl, not sure if I'll see her again.

BUT- I secretly was hopping she was into PMO related fetishes.... It was a pretty strong urge now that I think about it. Honestly, I am not all that attracted to her , she was a cool person but loopy (it was at a party) and I couldn't even consider dating her....

If I am brutally honest, what appealed to me was like

" I SHOULD be having sex, this would boost my confidence I should have sex with her"

And
Her seeming easy/ an impulsive sex opportunity, which really was the addicitve/dopamine part of my mind and my mind was trying to insert her into various fetishes and fantasies......... Still is a lil bit.

She seemed wild and "freaky" so it triggered some of that. Well, glad I posted and am staying self aware. IT really was a little tough for me, while with her. I was like "wait keep the streak up" to keep myself from falling into fantasy.

Still I can feel that urge in the background just a little bit, so I need sleep now but if I see the girl again, I'll take the time to think it out and write it out and get back to reality...

WilltoPower

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #191 on: May 19, 2019, 08:20:11 AM »
I'm no expert in women and dating, but I do know that your thoughts are not all driven by porn. I'm willing to bet there was something about her that was attractive to you. Our brains produce dopamine when we sense a fertile female so that we seek to reproduce. That's an evolutionary mechanism to keep our species alive. That said, there are two things that I see happening in your post, 1. porn has twisted what sex is which you have already noted, and 2. society has placed too much emphasis on sex. Society says that you need to be having sex all the time. Not only that, but society does not know how to have a mature conversation about sex. To society, sex is all about physical pleasure. Sex is more than that though. Its an emotional experience that is meant to make two people more attached to one another.

My point is that you should take comfort in knowing that its not that you are simply compromised by porn, but that this is a complex issue that I think we as porn addicts should spend more time discussing because we, along with sex addicts, are basically the end game of such perspectives. Recovery is not just about the neuroplasticity of the brain, but it is also a therapeutic, emotional, philosophical, and possibly spiritual process in my humble opinion.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #192 on: May 19, 2019, 08:31:14 AM »
Had some more intense urges and PMO fetish stuff popping into my head last night. Much more intense. My rule is to not not concisely engage in it, to not ever make the decision to idk how to describe it, fantasize as an activity.

I still don't feel to great about it........
I still have that girls number, I think I should probably delete it....
I can not even imagine having any kind of relationship with her, I can't even imagine having "regular/ intimate" sex with her or dating her or anything like that. She was a bit older, seemed very slutty wild and crazy. Met her at this party and she talked to me then was all over the place.

She was very triggering, the only thing appealing about her was #1) She was there and friendly. Then #2) Some perverse addicted part of me liked that she seemed so wild and crazy and used that as a way to insert her into PMO fetish fantasies.

Glad I wrote this out as the obvious decision is to delete her number. Sure, I may want to date girls and not be too judgy/ picky but I know I genuinely have no interest in dating this girl.

Now my mind just came back with "she could be practice/ a friend with benefits". But, I've have been on other dates and none of the other girls facilitated such a strong negative side of me.

Anyway I had a good night. I am on an upward trend lately. Still I wonder if there is something I can add to my recovery to decrease these urges and images in my head. Without me being aware of it I was having really intense images and urges pop into my head last night.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #193 on: May 19, 2019, 08:54:38 AM »
Fair assessment willtopower. I had posted my other post just as you posted your reply and had not seen it yet.

The girl did seem positive and happy and it was a beautiful environment, an outdoor party. So there was some attraction and healthy sexual feelings, you are right for sure!

BUT-> Some aspects of the girl sort of disqualified her from being a girl I would date. (This party was wilder then i am used to...)
1) She had crazy, gross hippy hair. lol
2) She was old for me
3) She seemed crazy and was a mess
4) She seemed to possibly be on drugs
5) I'd be shocked if she does not take drugs
6) She hinted at having a "dark side" or some kind of mental illness
7) Intuition- this girl was crazy lol.

My brain then goes something "I know these crazy girls are down for anything---> I bet she likes _________ <---- Insert pmo fetishes here. Then had me hoping that she'd bring them up, just as happened last week.

I suppose I will consider things, not be all or nothing. My last sexual encounter, I had to fight PMO urges a bit even as we were in bed together. So sometimes I need a nice streak of sex and rewiring to be able to be sexual and present without my mind trying to slip into fantasy (hopefully that makes sense).


I deleted the number. I was about to write how, I should meet with her but commit to keeping it healty and immediately got a powerful urge. NOPE- I haven't not felt anything like that with like any girl. I think she also said a few things that made it seem she actually may be into some of the PMO fetishes that I cut out of my life.

I was trying to rationalize but no, this was not the same as when I get some pmo thoughts and brush them off when I am with a girl after a long time. This was totally different and there was nothing positive about where this was going. I have learned to TRUST MY GUT. My gut was telling me BAD BAD WRONG BAD STAY AWAY. About this girl, but then the perverse pmo side of me is like "you should hang out with her"

I know... my subconscious only wanted to see this girl to try and engage in PMO related fetishes.
I can trust my healthy instincts at this point "stay aw
ay from this" "This is no good". This might sound a little crazy, but I have a bit of an antennae for girls who are more open to some of the fetishes I got from PMO. One of the shameful things would be messaging with girls on tinder about the fetishes. That bad antennae, after the first few minutes of excitement of a girl being interested in me... is what is appealing about this girl.

Now I certainly could be wrong, she could have not been into that stuff or open to it. But that is what my brain wanted from the girl. Literally I am kind of grossed out by her. Like ewww... So, again I could be wrong (likely am) that she is into whatever my mind came up with but that is where the appeal came from.

This post may be a little hard to understand because me knowing what is going on with myself, is coming from years of trial and error and messing up on reboots. Certain girls I like and am genuinely attracted to. Other girls I am not attracted to but they insight PMO urges in me. I get CRAZY thoughts, that thank god I have not acted on. Like I'll see these trashy girls who I literally would be grossed out to have in bed and at my worst moments think " I bet she'd be willing to _______" (insert fetishes)

The "healthy sexuality" part of me says: EWWW This girl is crazy, has bad hygiene, flaky, flirting with other dudes in front of you and would be a disaster in your life. She was basically a mid 30s hippie/ hypster gone wrong NOT what I am into.

EDIT: I feel much better after deleting the number and the urges subsided. I'll also note I have heard of people getting addicted prostitutes etc. to engage in PMO related fetishes, now THAT is when things are really bad. ( I think we see this in some famous people, sex scandals etc) Anyways, glad to avert that. Still I'll take last night as a positive a girl talked to me for awhile and was into me for a time, not my type but I'll meet another.

Also to reiterate (my brain was trying to rationalize)
My definition of clean is:
NO PMO (No porn or masturbation or any combination or looking at ads or anything as a way to get off
NO engaging in the specific porn induced fetishes in person ever. (I did once with a CRAZY messed up girl)- Huge error
NO fantasizing about the fetishes conciously (When I do they stay alive doesn't matter how long pmo free)

One last thing (lol). Thankfully I cut it out of my life, but in my PMO related fetishes brief times in my "real" life (soon as I did it I would lose ability to have real normal sex, killed my erections- had me feeling horrible after) , discussing with girls trying to lead them into certain things and see if they were into it. All girls who were interested, had severe mental problems. Seriously, like they were all on pills for mental illness, had severe depression and one had tried to commit suicide. All of them as far as I know spent long periods a lone and either certainly did or likely watched porn. I think that should tell me something (maybe that stuff/ the crazy fetishes aren't all that healthy? : ) )......  It was about 4 girls total and mostly very brief or just us talking about it (Thank god it's been years and I am never doing that again).


 I also could not think of a less rewarding thing. Thanks to rebooting, I have had a few healthy sex partners and two real girlfriends and OMG is real sex connecting and enjoying each other so much better. I didn't even enjoy most of the PMO fetish crap. It was just these weird urges from cumming over and over to nonsense in porn. So I had the desire but didn't enjoy the stuff but then would want to do it again. Addiction stinks.

Anyways, so thats all settled. Still I had a very nice night. On the note of instincts.... I can trust mine more ( the good ones, not the pmo ones lol).


I second guess myself too much. The friend who I had the issues with and am taking a break from. He seemed so important, but now that I am not really in touch with him so much (we texted once). I don't really miss him and I feel a lot calmer and happier. I hung out with a new friend last night and had a great time. The dude was just such a nice person and super positive. He was always pointing out girls saying they liked me and hanging out with him just felt damn good. I have him and another friends number, so by the end of the week I will likely have hung out with two new friends! Honestly, that is likely worth even more then dating a new girl....

So that is good and also teaches me... I am not always the problem. When I am upset I tend to go too self analysis-y like "Ohhh I was imagining that problem with me friend it's like nooooo. There were bad vibes there. He was annoyed with me like all the time for no reason, and it made me feel bad. Whats the proof? He would ignore me all the time AND even more.... I don't feel this with other people. I am hanging out with other people and they just seem ummmmm nicer.

Now that doesn't mean I'll never see the dude again, but this was sooo the right decision. Looking forward to hopefully building up a group of cool friends. I taught myself to be fairly social, I talk to people. But never really had a real "group" of friends. It makes me nervous but i think it'll be really cool to do. Have more freinds and do some of that stuff that scares me, introduce people to each other etc.

 
« Last Edit: May 19, 2019, 09:44:13 AM by Quitforeverthenwin »

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #194 on: May 19, 2019, 06:19:06 PM »
Awesome self-analysis! It sounds like you're thinking clearly and doing what you need to to protect yourself from making mistakes, and that's awesome.

I think you're right about not pursuing things with that woman. It's one thing if you're genuinely interested in her as a person and in building a relationship with her, but it's another thing if your only motivation is weird sex (maybe the wrong phrase, but you know what I mean). Sometimes, when I think about the things I've seen in porn, I just can't imagine ever doing them to/with a real person. Like, I feel like I would have to have a really low opinion of a woman to even try some (or most) of what I saw in porn. It's just not a good reflection of what real relationships are made of.

And part of that is that porn is selfish, just whatever gets us going as intensely as possible. But a relationship can't be like that. Obviously, we have to think about another person's needs and feelings, so it can't just be about whatever our most extreme fantasies are made of. I'm not sure why I'm writing it all out: you've already said it, but I guess it's helpful for me to think through also. It's a tricky thing with PMO, right? How do we know if our interactions with women are healthy and helpful or just another manifestation of our addiction? I think a lot of it might come down to our motivations.

Also, on a kind of unrelated note, I just wanted to say thanks for the way that you leave blank space for particular pmo fetishes. I'm all for being open and frank, but your strategy is a great way to be honest without being triggering. I know I have sometimes had to back out of some journals because I could feel them getting my dopamine going. Long way of saying: thanks for keeping your journal productive but also safe. It makes a difference.


Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #195 on: May 19, 2019, 08:38:47 PM »
Thanks bro! Really glad you wrote it all out! Funny how that works, reading the way you put it, actually made more sense and was more clear to me then what I wrote myself. Not really much to add but all of that is nail on the head and really helped to clarify things. Really I have no analysis to add to it but everything nail on the head.

Thanks for the feedback on the blank spaces! I almost didn't realize I was doing it, so glad to hear it is helpful so I'll remember to continue doing it moving forward. I feel good about doing it as well, it's nice to not even write about the specific names and acts, I feel like it gives them less power for me mentally as well. Like it's just PMO fetishes, something from PMO my brain is getting away from all in one category not some specific thing to think about or even give names to.

Update: I am happy that I seem to be changing for the better. Today was a longer work day and a little tiring. I felt slightly down after but then had a great talk with my friend on the phone and came to the forum, also I ate some healthy food. And I now feel pretty good. It's very cool that I had this nice chat with my good friend and ate, I feel 80% recharged even though I had a really long work day and now I have off for the next few days : ). Very grateful for that, I got done basically two days worth of work, now have off but I don't feel remotely overwhelmed and just tired, not exhausted.

My voice held up!! I think it's just a cold, I am the #1 cough drop customer at the moment but that fine by me so long as it works and no permanent damage happens.

So glad about the call with my friend and getting the support on this forum, when I first finished work I felt a little lonely and desperate now I feel much better.  I should clean tonight or tomorrow, getting a little un organized plus still have to set some more goals.

Those positive changes I mentioned is just I seem to be a little "hardier" before me being tired or slightly down would lead to me being just really really sad and anxious now it was just something that lasted a few minutes and was gone after a few healthy pleasant activities. Hoping things keep going this way!

I am at 14 days no conscious fetish fantasy today!! Thats big for me.
« Last Edit: May 19, 2019, 08:41:44 PM by Quitforeverthenwin »

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #196 on: May 19, 2019, 08:40:38 PM »
@Quitforeverthenwin
I understand where your'e coming from and, and I hope you can see that I was not suggesting that you should have gone out with her. The fact that you listed dis-qualifiers shows that you put thought into it. I was merely suggesting that we, as porn addicts, dive deeper into the psychology of porn addiction and sex.

Keep up what you're doing. I think the fact that you consider not engaging in that sexual activity is very smart, and if you really only wanted to engage in that activity and really believed that she was someone that would consent to it while she made the list of dis-qualifiers, then you made the right call.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #197 on: May 20, 2019, 10:38:10 AM »
So was coughing a bit last night but feel better this am.

I think I ought to plan out the day... so much I want to do but not sure what to start with!

Cleaning
Groceries
But I also want to do fun things and socialize somehow
Want to progress on dating more
Set more goals.

Hmmmm.

More urges still at night, it's been iffy right on that edge of fantasy it pops in head a lot and I stop it. So I need to increase my efforts and do SOMETHING, to invest in decreasing the urges again. Perhaps work through the smart book some more.

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #198 on: May 20, 2019, 06:43:45 PM »
Just read all your posts since a week ago, it seems like you're making alot of progress dealing with fantasies! I'm 100% with you on tinder, I even downloaded the app at one point and started swiping a little bit and got tons of triggers, thank god I realized what I was doing was really stupid and deleted the app and my account. When I hear about my friends' hookups over the weekend it makes me feel like I missing out a ton, but I try to remind myself to always do what's best for me; just because my friends benefit from hooking up with other women (which I'm not 100% sure is true tbh) doesn't mean that I will get the same enjoyment out of it.

I also completely agree on the fetishes, I think if I were to act out my sick fetishes it would not be enjoyable. At all. Just goes to show the power of our minds, but if we are able to harness that power towards something positive for ourselves and others long-term I think we can look back at our fetishes one day and laugh about how ridiculous it was to be sucked in to them. Atleast that's what I hope.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #199 on: May 20, 2019, 11:57:14 PM »
Thanks for the perspective! Earlier today I had thought of going back on that and using tinder with "rules" to allay the issues. Glad to hear your perspective on that and it shows me I should definitely think really really hard about introducing it in my life... Plus good point on not having to follow the crowd, different strokes for different folks.

Yeah big progress on the fantasizing the thing is just to keep it going. Still need to set more goals, but 100% I am doing it tomorrow. In the morning! Tomorrow morning, I'll do a hypnosis recording, then spend 30 min thinking of new goals to set. That's a commitment.


My day: Was not too productive in the morning. Had a so-so workout. But I did clean up a good bit which is really nice. I went to a meetup and no one but me and two girls showed up lol. The girls were not too friendly to me one left. I had tried making friends with them and getting numbers but it didn't pan out.

I went to my dance class and had a decent time but wasn't feeling great. Something interesting  I was already planning my journal entry lol. To write how I was not feeling as well etc. But then I thought "wait, I am still in this class maybe my entry can be I had a great time in class and ended the day well!". The class was pretty good in terms of a workout and it was nice to be around friendly women. I had more energy and then worked out more to make up for earlier in the day. Still was feeling a lil off. But here is where I am really happy with what I did.....

I felt down and did not want to go home... so I decided to watch basketball in a bar, great idea! Putting self out there is always good. I started a conversation with the guy sitting next to me, just being friendly. He ended up being such a nice positive open guy. We talked for like an hour and a half a bunch of people knew him and came and said hi, so I talked with another regular at the bar who was a cool guy too. I put myself out there and invited the original guy to hang out sometime and he was down. Really glad, the guy was soo nice. I would have hung out with him just based on him being a positive cool person, but he also seems pretty connected socially, he told me about all these cool bars and parties etc. So, I don't want to get too high or low but that was cool to make a possible cool friend, which is nice in it's own right. Plus ( I don't want to "use" people) but if he also helps me meet more people that is a nice bonus.

I ended up buying that building a social circle product, I think it was really worth it. Some stuff in there seems like common sense, but I built up my social confidence by sort of strong arming it, going out to talk to people. So my social intelligence and stuff could use work and I think this product helped a lot.

For example I met Cool guy A (the guy I spoke to at length) and his friend Cool guy B came over and chatted with us a bit and we got a long. In the past, I'd like awkwardly/directly ask for both of there numbers, which is weird. Like cool guy B and I were cordial, but you don't just like ask for someones number after friendly small talk.

Instead I more naturally invited cool guy A to something then kind of just chilled and let us exchange numbers naturally. Then was just friendly with cool guy B and said his name so he knows I actually really noticed him. So I learned that from the product I bought and it makes sense. I can hang out with the person I talked to at length and if I want to befriend cool guy B, let it happen naturally. He'll be around most likely if Cool guy A and I hang out then after seeing him a few times like that we can NATURALLY become friends as well, rather then trying to awkwardly force it and get like everyone's numbers I am introduced to.

Maybe a little bit weird sounding to think this much and obvious to some, but I am glad to learn this stuff. It's a weakness of mine, I learned to make conversation and a good impression but hadn't yet managed to iron out the details of making friends, I'd be overly aggressive and to the point in getting people's info/making plans. So I am really happy with this progress and I think it'll help me a lot.

Plus goes to show putting self out there is nice. I "wasted" time today going to an empty meetup and did not enjoy the reactions I got BUT I conciously was not hard on myself... I thought "I am no fortune teller, I went there to take action to hopefully meet people I could not have predicted it'd be bad.... AND I don't want to be too hard on myself because if I am, I'll be upset and that will make it HIGHER RISK to try new things". Because, if I try something and it does not work and I beat myself up and feel miserable the stakes are high, I can't really try new things because I'll be devastated if it does not work out...  But if I can try new things, have it not work out and just be like a little annoyed, I know I can handle it, so it's easier to go for it more often, thus giving things more chances to work out.

Then, I went out to improve my mood. Took the chance to talk to the guy next to me, then took the chance to aim to turn him into a friend I'll hang out with and so far seems like it worked out decently.

Also--> Being open and cool to everyone is such a good policy. When I started talking to this dude, I had ZERO clue he had anything going on for him or any friends. He was alone at the bar. I just thought I'd talk to him and be friendly and boost both of our nights. Turns out he knows everyone and every cool place in town. Not saying I shouldn't still value him as a person if he didn't have that. But it's still cool and I am actually much happier to get connections/ opportunities this way, organically then if I had idk like tried to befriend this guy because I knew he could connect me to things, you know?

My social skills still need some ironing out (especially some bad habits popped up with girls) so I may start journaling for myself privately as well, just what happened in the day. I tend to learn a lot and be better socially when I do that and learn very quickly since I go over my day and remember things that I had previously forgotten. It works really well and used to help me in old jobs of mine too.

Have a good night everyone! So glad to see you back Pichael definitely was also an extra boost for me seeing your back and doing well!