Author Topic: My journal to recovery- Could use support  (Read 10975 times)

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1205
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #150 on: May 11, 2019, 06:36:53 PM »
Sounds like a decent few days. That's awesome that you cleaned. It always makes such a big difference for me. My place didn't really need it, but I did a little tidying just now, and even that makes everything feel more peaceful and nice. Way to take care of yourself by taking care of your surroundings!

I know it's a bummer when you get "friend zoned," and I know I've gone down bad roads PMO-wise when a potential relationship has fizzled out. But, I don't know that I'd be too bummed about a non-romantic friendship with a woman. I know it's maybe not the goal, but part of me feels like it's probably a good thing for recovery to have positive relationships with women where sex isn't on the table. It seems like a lot of the articles and things that I've read about rebooting can be overly focused (in my opinion) on sex, and it sometimes feels like trading one sexual obsession for another. (I know I'm probably being unfair and misrepresenting things, but it is how I sometimes feel.)

To cut it short, sorry that that date didn't work out: that is a bummer! But also don't let yourself feel like a failure when socializing only turns into friendship. I think that's also a huge win and a way to train our brains not to have to see all women as potential sex partners. So keep up the good effort, however it turns it out!

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 483
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #151 on: May 11, 2019, 08:02:32 PM »
Hey, that's a really good point. Heck, I could even bring her out with me to socialize, her being my friend and meet other women while I am there. Plus, I could use more socializing anyway. So, I'll contact her tomorrow and aim to hang out with her.

So, speaking of being too hard/soft on self. I was too soft on myself today! Felt decent but just procrastinated and procrastinated unwilling to commit to doing anything. I got nothing done after cleaning my apartment, nothing fun nor productive. Grrrrr. Well a lesson learned. Working is fun! I feel much better when I push myself to get things done. I am sooo tired, as I did nothing all day I just got more and more tired. Tomrrow, I am going to commit to pushing hard! I did this last Sunday and it was great, time to bring it back....

At some point gotta go harder and keep the momentum up..

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 483
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #152 on: May 12, 2019, 12:01:24 AM »
Went out a bit.... wasn't 100% feeling it. But glad I went was in a few conversations met some cute dogs, that somehow were allowed in this outdoor lounge.

Thinking to myself, I could use more passion in my life, not like dating passion, having a passion. I have heard this a lot. Have a passion be great at it and be on your path and let that get you girls....

I worked hard and am decent at approaching women, but was thinking like really? Do i want to have to go out several times a week to meet girls whenever I am single or want to socialize? Wouldn't it be cooler to have something cool I am doing? Idk performing of some kind.

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 483
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #153 on: May 12, 2019, 02:28:10 PM »
Moving along, I  feel pretty good about today.


Feeling some random physical type anxiety in my chest, this is quite common. I am glad that I scheduled and got done some important work... which is what I wanted.

Working really is the best.... Something I thought about a few days ago and am experiencing... on the bad days you feel bad either way. Like sitting around doing nothing you feel bad and getting stuff done you feel bad... so may as well get stuff done because it allows you to feel a little bit better after and much better a few days later when momentum is built and in the times when you succeed because you put in the work. Experienced that right now, I got work done. Felt not on my A game and a bit anxious, once I have finished and am relaxing eating lunch, the anxiety was just the same probably a bit more. But writing this journal and celebrating having gotten the work done has me feeling a little less anxious. So it's a big win/win! Get work done= work done and it takes the edge off the bad days a little. Also, as I posted yestarday feeling good and getting no work done hurt my momentum. So it's better to usually work on good days too. All with in reason, taking time to enjoy self as well.

I had another porn dream this am, I think I had the porn dream, woke up for a second and feel back asleep until right around my alarm clock. Honestly, I am going to look at this as progress I have been shutting down the porn thoughts like 10x faster lately and I didn't get them in dreams before....

My logic is:
Before -fantasizing about porn and sex often- No dreams
 Now- Not fantasizing about porn, being much stricter, getting morning wood more often- Porn dreams sometimes.

It is coming with a lot of other good symptoms and interestingly enough my arousal in the dreams is not insanely strong. So I think it's either A) My brain is processing that shit out while I sleep. Or B) The thoughts aren't coming out or being engaged with while awake, so they are trying to come out while I sleep.

Either way it's progress in my book. Having weak porn dreams is waayyyy better then doing it consciously while awake. So it's progress.



BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1205
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #154 on: May 12, 2019, 07:04:41 PM »
Lots of good stuff in your posts, way to be!

I think that's a great idea to go socializing with that girl. What better way to meet women than through a mutual friend?

I know what you mean about finding a passion. I can think of about 100 things I want to work on and do, but I have trouble finding a single passion that sort of drives them all. There are things I like and things that I think would be valuable, but I don't if there's something that I just have to do to feel like I'm achieving my passion. That's definitely something I've been thinking about lately.

I also really know that feeling of anxiety in the chest. It's been with me for a few months it seems like. I just keep hanging on and trying to take care of myself as best as I know how, figuring it will ease up at some point. Sorry you're dealing with it too. (But also glad it's not just me)

Porn dreams are weird, and I've never known what to do with/about them. I haven't had any in a pretty long while, but the last few I've had have been about resisting or refusing porn, which I take as a good sign. Who knows what our brains are processing when we dream about porn? But I definitely agree that it's better to have it show up in dreams than in real life.

Hope you have a great start to the week!

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 483
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #155 on: May 12, 2019, 11:05:22 PM »
Thanks man! Hope you have a great start to the week too!

Like you said, it's really nice to hear other people have that feeling in the chest. In my darker moments a lot of the time I worry/ think that I have some kind of underlying disorder. Sure, I probably have a lot to work on etc. after quitting porn. But hearing other people have the same feelings going on, makes me a lot more hopeful it's just part of recovering from the addiction and will pass/ is not some permanent part of me.

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 483
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #156 on: May 13, 2019, 10:07:24 AM »
So I set some goals. Some of them I was uncertain about. I thought "hmmm, I should not take away goals once I set them, thats a bad habit". But I took them out of my notebook. Since then I am feeling anxious and have some triggers, the first strong one in a LONG time. Okay, I am going to go swim! (Just thought of this now). This is my first reasonably strong craving in a long time. So, I will turn it into a positive and go do another activity so that I replace it. After that I'll plan out the day and refind some direction. Swim to get mind right first.

LeanAndBop

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 109
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #157 on: May 13, 2019, 12:12:47 PM »
Hey man that sounds like a wise decision. I hope you are well. I find doing push ups useful when I have an urge.
All the best

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 483
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #158 on: May 13, 2019, 02:57:53 PM »
I did a light workout, my muscles were super tired. But I feel much better. Probably going to go to the beach and swim a bit soon. I guess today won't be massively product. I am however, focusing on talking to girls in MY DAY TO DAY LIFE. I talked to like three girls and it feels soooo much better then going around looking for girls wasting time. Anyways, thats a big adjustment. I think this may be something I do moving forward. It's odd, in my day to day life I feel like I see pretty girls everywhere, but when I am actively looking for girls it feels like I am walking around for hours and barely see any hmmm.

Anyway, that's fine by me. So, going to experiment with this, just sort of planning to talk to pretty girls when I see them and have the time, rather then going out walking around to look for girls. Better for my lifestyle I think.

Edit: So the girl that "friendzoned" me we saw each other last night. It's an interesting situation. She won't let me kiss her but there is a lot of sexual tension. Last night we touched each other a lot, I often had my hand on her lower back, or my arm around her waster with her arm around my shoulders. No matter what happens, honestly I am having a great time with her so probably going to see her today in a little bit.

Just wanted to point out: My mind a few times today has tried to jump into sexual fantasy about her. SHUT THAT SHIT DOWN. Enjoy the real moments. Whats gotten me here is shutting that shit down. So going to be as strict as possible keeping that shit OUT OF MY MIND. No mercy on it. The stricter I am the more morning wood, the more I give off real natural sexuality. Plus, I may not feel great all of the time BUT I feel a hell of a lot better when I am free of that.

Man I post a lot lol. The forum last few days is like 1/3rd me posting lol
« Last Edit: May 13, 2019, 03:03:30 PM by Quitforeverthenwin »

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 483
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #159 on: May 13, 2019, 03:05:19 PM »
Also, thanks lean and bop for the support! It was a great decision. I had pretty much completely forgotten feeling bad and urges this am.... That was a great opportunity, to replace urges and anxiety with a healthy activity and I took full advantage!

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 483
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #160 on: May 13, 2019, 03:45:45 PM »
Posting my ass off today. Oh well whatever works. Sexual thoughts keep popping up in my head, so just posting to break the cycle.

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 483
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #161 on: May 13, 2019, 04:52:41 PM »
The girl just cancelled on me five minutes before she was supposed to show up. Said she doesn't feel well. Damn it. This stinks, I was looking forward to it and don't really have another plan. She is now not taking my calls. Oh well, I guess I will stop hanging out with this girl.

Man, I sometimes feel like I hate women. When I feel like I like a girl and have a real connection with them, they don't give a fuck and are willing to just ghost me like it's nothing. The lesson is, to I guess not put too much into them emotionally at least not before they are really my girlfriend. Probably shouldn't air out negative beliefs but I feel like women just don't give a fuck. Like if they want to hang with you they will, if they don't they won't. Like me setting aside the time does not matter.

Anyways, I was thinking to focus more on a social circle, make more friends invite a bunch of people out to events. This way each individual person is not as important, plus I can meet girls in that context. Grrrr.. I gotta get it together now, stay on track.

I wanted to post "this is throwing me off". But no, I need to take responsibility, fucking urges today then was relying on the girl and going out to feel better. Gotta just make a plan and execute it, for this evening. Keep occupied.

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 483
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #162 on: May 13, 2019, 04:57:35 PM »
Well, I feel like I hate women right now and can never trust them. I guess we got pretty intimate and she was conflicted the entire time and got nervous or something.... Oh well, honestly I don't think I am ready for a relationship right now. I am rebooting, but I am perfectly okay with casual sex as long it's nothing crazy. I really really invest too much emotionally in girls too quickly.

I think I invest too much emotionally in the girls and otherwise, like I keep telling the girls i like them, complimenting them etc. Girls don't like that shit.
« Last Edit: May 13, 2019, 05:00:35 PM by Quitforeverthenwin »

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 483
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #163 on: May 13, 2019, 10:32:48 PM »
Well, it looks like it's me and me in the journal lol. I calmed down a bit. This girl is leaving soon anyway, a big worry I had was like

"Omg every time I like a girl they disappear I can not trust women yadda yadda". The girl 1000% has been conflicted and clearly really liked me, she said she was sick so....

Maybe she was
1) Actually sick
2) Nervous
3) Scared that she will keep liking me more, and would miss me or not control herself and have sex with me.

Honestly these are the most likely scenarios AND they are the best to keep in mind anyway, why think something negative like:

"Grrrr women flake and I can't trust them ever....." That is just a good way to feel awful and to have pmo cravings and rationalizations. I posted some stuff while angry, but it was a moment where getting my feelings out was useful to me.

It is almost shocking, but I feel pretty good now. I got through all the urges and bad feelings. I went to a new dance class I like, full of nice friendly women. I was feeling so awful at the beggining of class, but bit by bit people were friendly with me and by the middle or so I was having lots of fun joking around having nice conversations. Then I went to eat at this cheap cafe/cafeteria and spoke to the woman there. (Not for dating purposes she is older but is fun and friendly) by the end of all this socializing I felt way better! (I also stopped to see a friend who works at library on way to dance class).

This really reaffirms: I gotta put efforts into building more of a social life. I keep having like a few friends at once. no no no, how about having like regular friends. Not just really intimate ones. Just being able to say message a bunch of people to go hang out at some place and joking around would be great! This is my natural personality and I see how being around people I know, just is fun, meaningful and really helps regulate my emotions. So, that is something to work on... Build out my social/fun life.

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 483
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #164 on: May 14, 2019, 08:54:41 AM »
Had some slight nightmares last night. Woke up feeling a bit "off". But I spent like 30 minutes or more reading a good book and feel pretty good . The girl got back to me (said she feels better). Maybe she was actually sick.

Had some morning wood AGAIN. It was mild today, but still, this is pretty awesome of course...

Key is, just stay the course........ I notice sometimes when feeling good, my brain wants to think about/ fantasize about dating real girls BUT... what happens is this.


"Wow, I feel so good everything is great"---> "I am going to have a great time with this cute girl or meet a cute girl soon"---> "Wow it'd be so fun, we'd walk around hang out etc" (up until this point it's mostly okay)-----> "Imagine having her hear now!"---> "And imagine if we were in bed...."----> *imagining sex*---> After a point it becomes dissatisfying/ disappointing----> Wilder sex-----> Extremely strong urges-----> Lost in fantasy about porn induced fetishes.

Which then leads to more urges, feeling like shit. Goddamn super nearly looking at porn some weeks ago, and losing morning wood and penis not working if I end up with a girl, plus being weirdly impulsive sexually and all that bad stuff. So FUCK that.

So, anyways avoiding that and being aware.

I am pretty proud of myself over yesterday; a lot of strong emotions and urges and I got over all of them and managed to have a good evening. That was some of the best emotional resilience/ turn around in mood I have had, at least that quickly. So I say that is progress..

I had kind of known this but I read it recently in someone's tips... QUALITY of the reboot is super critical I realize. Gotta be clean. Fantasizing about porn and all that bullshit still is addictive (at least for me, STRONGLY for me) so cutting it out totally is just a huge help. I think thats when my dopaine receptors and brain have the real chance to heal and my emotions have a real chance to get processed or I at least learn to handle my emotions without an addition.

Damn just as I finished the post started thinking about that girl. I pushed it out right away. As I have read in other journals.... the FOUNDATION is no pmo no matter what! But, that gives me the opportunity to change other habits. I simply spend waaayyyy too much time in fantasy world. Fantasizing about women, fantasizing about success. With women, do it less! It takes me away from reality, perhaps having me feel too connected to girls (fantasizing about stuff that's not real) rather then just taking our actual relationship for what it is. Plus it's distracting and can lead to neediness. I also want to daydream a little less, but won't be too hard on myself. Avoiding the mental triggers is priority, plus no one is perfect.

Edit: Just re-read my first post in this thread/journal. Ups and downs happen, but I have come a long way! A nice quote "Happiness is not pleasure happiness is victory!" If feels good to be winning against this, getting farther and farther from pmo. Failing at things but handling them better etc.
« Last Edit: May 14, 2019, 08:58:29 AM by Quitforeverthenwin »

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1205
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #165 on: May 14, 2019, 06:14:21 PM »
Man, sorry I was out yesterday, it sounds like it was an eventful one! I'm happy to hear that you're getting through the urges and the bad emotions. That's tough stuff, and I think making it through yesterday shows you're making a lot more progress than it probably feels like. Keep it up!

I really support your idea to just focus on being more social. The best dating relationship I ever had started as a really solid friendship and grew from there. I don't think there's any reason to rush to kissing or sex for its own sake. Go out, make friends, have fun, and the rest will come.

I remember hearing once that the opposite of addiction is connection, not sobriety. Addiction isolates us because we have to hide ourselves for PMO, then we hide ourselves because we're ashamed, then our thoughts tell us that women are awful and will never treat us right, then we hide to watch porn, etc. I don't know that I believe that just being social is all it takes to fix an addiction, but I do think it's an important part of it. And, like I might have mentioned before, I think there's a lot to be gained in terms of changing our mindset from pursuing just friendships with women. PMO has made it all about sex for me for too long, so, even thought it's of course something I want eventually, I don't want sex to be the focus of my recovery. That just seems like trading one obsession for another similar one. Oh well, just my two cents.

Keep going strong! You've got this, man!

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 483
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #166 on: May 14, 2019, 10:38:38 PM »
Thanks bro, that is an awesome insight! Really helpful to hear that, because things are going very well, except my brain is doing exactly that, telling me that women are awful. It seems real, and I know that road.... feeling either women will never like me or that it will never work out or in this case that women are just all nasty and awful lol. All of them lead to "well fuck it, may as well PMO" etc. It is good to see it as something of a weird trick of the addiction, creating thought patterns that lead to rationalization to PMO. So have to not listen to all thoughts and challenge them.

I have had (albeit not as much as I have wanted) nice women/ relationships in my life before. Addiction absolutely is isolating, so a process connected to this I guess, is going through all of these crazy thoughts and nonsense that pops up, it's like a bunch of BS has to be shed while leaving the isolation of PMO and moving into being more connected as well as (although not making this the priority) having real women a part of my life romantically and otherwise.

Some good stuff today, just a few observations of some threats I want to write before I forget them:
Something my brain does is super bizarre. I'll have fantasies pop into my head that seem totally real, of women bringing up my PMO fetishes and me being like "pfffttt I am not into that" or saying I am not into it. Now if I was full of shit I would say this was a good thing, since it's like woah I am turning them down! But that is total bs lol. It's just a super crafty way that an urge comes up, after all it is all going on in my head. it's like this weird fantasies where all these girls are into these fetishes but I am acting like I am not into it. It's hard to explain but I can "feel" it, it's just another way the weird ass addicted part of my brain is sending me stuff about the fetishes and is an urge of sorts. Luckily I am shutting it down quick as hell. I am glad to write it down, since it is so tricky and putting it to paper will allow me to really stamp it, that these are thoughts to shut down.

It is similar to the "engaging in curiosity sexually on the internet" I remember a guy had a journal and he talked about how he a few times would google like " how to get over _____ fetish" or did you regret engaging in _____ fetish. These are always just crafty ways to get roped back in. It's a weird rationalization thing, this curiosity or like looking into the fetish in the negative "I don't want this" it's still a way to think about it. Better is just to cut the thoughts out 5000%.

Anyways, really appreciate the post bluehero, because I had a really good day EXCEPT for being really upset over women and thinking they are evil lol. So I guess I'll just chalk that up to the addiction as best I can and give myself time to adjust.

Today, I FINALLY completed everything and started the first day of my new job! This is a huge win, I really enjoyed it. It hasn't sunk in yet, but I now have a job that so far, I have enjoyed, is doing something I like and I will be making decent money and working good and fairly short hours. It's crazy! I have never been in this position before. So this is a huge win, I am still nervous, but assuming this keep going as they are, this area of my life. My work/ financial life will be in a decent spot. I think this is a huge win and can really help build my confidence and happines over the next few months.

Random but important: I succckkkk at cooking, but 4 blocks away I can get healthy food at this cool latin cafe for like the same money as cooking. I am tired of cooking disgusting food and throwing it out, starting kitchen fires etc. lol I have been eating there the last few days and it's actually really adding to my life. I can go and eat one meal there, it's got the latin culture so people are really friendly and people talk to each other, so I get to practice spanish and it really boosts my mood. Just being around nice happy people. So why make life harder? Instead of cooking for 30 minutes, I could spend 30 minutes total walking there and back, have a nice quick meal there talking to friendly people then buy extra food to go for my other meals.

Random: This reminds me of : Theory vs reality. I have read so many books saying it is so nice to make things yourself. I try all sorts of projects.... Drawing, cooking, making things out of wood. I have completely disliked and been stressed by every single one of these things and try them every couple of years to remind myself of how much I suck at and dislike them lol

This is not a negative, it's just not what I like or what I am good at. I am:
Good at learning languages
Good at public speaking
Decent at writing (Maybe not great, but like I can write aaa tooonnnn and enjoy myself doing it,)

There are things I actually enjoy and am good at. But then I focus on what I can't do.

"I want to learn to sing"
"Wow it'd be so cool to be able to draw"
"Wow cooking is so cool!'
"Salsa dancing!"
 
I disliked and sucked as much as humanely possible at all of these things...

It remind me of something zig ziglar said:

Person:
"If only I had his singing talent!"
"If only I could dance like him!"
"Wow! If I  had his charisma"

Zig:
If you had ANOTHER person's talent you wouldn't do a thing!.... IF you are not using your own talents!

There are things I naturally enjoy and am fairly good at..... why not do them? Instead of seeing the grass as greener?

Just as an example. I have been horrible at so many minimum wage jobs and gotten fired over the years..... I am awful with details, can't operate a cash register properly. I forget details. I get frustrated. Now today I did a job that was like 80% public speaking... it was literally the easiest work day of my life.... It's considered a tough job and was hard to get, but for me it was easy. On the other hand I have been fired or failed at like 90% of other jobs I have done.... So there is something to be said for doing things that I was actually meant to do.

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 483
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #167 on: May 15, 2019, 08:28:13 AM »
A little update: I had a dream about pmo related fetishes and lapses and in the dream I felt major regret afterward. Wow... THANK GOD, it was not real. No morning wood today.

Again, I am viewing these dreams as a positive. I super obviously have been doing better in this same time period since having the dreams and I can't really control them anyway, so why worry? One positive is, how awful I felt in the dream, the regret. So that is actually a good thing, it gives me extra motivation. I got to be reminded how horrible a lapse really is and get extra motivation without it actually happening.

When I first cut out junk food this would happen to me. I would have dreams about binge eating then feel this extreme regret afterwards and wake up, I'd feel sooo grateful like "Thank god I didn't actually do that!" and it'd be so easy to stay away from the junk food.

Didn't have morning wood this am, again no big deal I've been moving forward.

Something really nice: Just about every night I can go right in bed, read for a while get tired and fall immediately asleep, wow! That is how i used to be and it has been awhile since I was in that position. It is so nice. Now it may not be perfect, but I have been also staying in bed reading a bit some mornings, basically my bed feels like more of a place to read and feel calm and peaceful rather than a place to get urges lately. Which is really nice.

Still gotta always stay vigilant and block out the thoughts that pop into my head of pmo and fetishes! That is really important, good progress is happening and gotta keep doing what I have been doing.

Also not to be negative BUT, I should be ready for anything:
What if I get really sick and feel like shit all the time: STILL be PMO and fantasy free
What if this job doesn't work out?: Still be PMO free and fantasy free
What if I get with a girl I really like and my dick still doesn't work?: Still be PMO and fantasy free

I don't like thinking about this stuff and even get slight urges when I think of things going on, but still I want to just be ready for anything. Inevitably bad things happen, so I need to be PMO free whether things are going bad or good.

EDIT: Also just to record something. I was reading someone else journal and caught myself thinking "I can't really stop masturbating forever? Thats crazy" ---> This is a very early "rationalization thought" which could later turn into an MO lapse or through some convoluted addiction logic into looking at porn. It may sound weird to the outside world, but no for me MO is not healthy. I have had enough YEARS of problems with this addiction and my dick not working etc. I have had 100+ day streaks and ended up just as bad or worse after MOing just one time! It's not me doing nofap for no reason or some religious thing (nothing against religion but I am not religious). It is logical, for me it's been an unhealthy addiction for pretty much my whole life and caused me a TON of problems. I feel much better not doing it and my body will simply have wet dreams if it needs to. Gotta remember that. Most people can drink alcohol, people who got addicted to it can not. This is not some woah is me thing. No big deal, normal person, great life just no P or M. I like the smart manual and it is pretty clear about it, basically once something has been an addiction total avoidance has a really high success rate and moderation basically never works. (Not never but basically never) And I know for sure moderation of PMO has not worked for em in any shape or form. Masturbating ALWAYS led to relapsing fully. Every single time. I don't want to go through that ever again.
« Last Edit: May 15, 2019, 08:40:12 AM by Quitforeverthenwin »

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 483
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #168 on: May 15, 2019, 04:00:24 PM »
Had a great day at work. Sure there may be ups and downs. But wow, for once I am making decent money, doing something I like and not working for too many hours. It's unreal. I performed well at work and felt a nice confidence boost. Just wow want to express my gratitude for this job.....

Man persistence is key, luck too I guess. I tried so many jobs and applied to so many things, really ended up with this job due to yes persistence but also luck... But I gotta give myself some credit, I stayed in motion.. I kept looking and that got me this job.

Each day of work so far it's like a little shot of happiness and confidence, this'll be huge I expect.

Hope everyone is doing well!

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1205
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #169 on: May 15, 2019, 06:08:10 PM »
Congrats on starting the job! That really is an awesome thing that will probably help a lot.

Oh, I know these weird rationalization tricks. For a long time I'd play this weird game where I'd google things that I knew might bring up porn without googling things that were porn. It was like "let's see how close I can get without actually looking at porn." It always ended in relapse. Always. I don't care if you tell yourself you're not going to search for porn and that you're just searching for something that is close to porn or about porn or about not wanting porn; that's a dangerous road to go down. Way to be for catching that kind of thinking and taking steps to deal with it.

I also really love what you said about using your talents. Like I think I mentioned in my own journal, I've been trying to figure out what it is I really want instead of letting people and things like school just tell me what to do. I'm going to think about my talents and how to use them instead of trying to do what other people would do with theirs.

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 483
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #170 on: May 15, 2019, 07:48:23 PM »
100% Nail on the head about those weird rationalizations. Good to always keep them in mind.

 It's funny I wrote that just yesterday I really enjoyed public speaking today then I immediately think. Wow! I should learn to sing! LOL.

Well, I am glad I made that post because it got me to get a whole bunch of books out of the library on writing. No pressure, but I'll give it a go and see if I enjoy expanding on my writing. 

Edit: One last thing. I have had a really nice shift the last several days. I went form mostly bad mood, sad anxious negative emotions with touches of feeling better to Mostly feeling good and positive with touches of negative emotion. It's a really nice shift and good to be in a good spot lately. Gotta keep it up.
« Last Edit: May 15, 2019, 07:57:06 PM by Quitforeverthenwin »

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 483
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #171 on: May 15, 2019, 09:47:11 PM »
Boy am I posting a lot, but it's all good... I've been in a good place lately and it's helping keep me there. Plus it's good to record my thoughts/ observations now when I am at my best.

Just wanted to mention, I still am having brief flashes of fetishes popping into my head, but I am brushing them off basically instantly in like a second, they are easy to recognize and easy to brush off quickly. Just wanted to record this as it's just a part of the process, still pushing those thoughts out. It's just very easy.

Not sure whether to go out or not. I guess I should.... I have the day free tomorrow and that could be my time to rest and read etc. Though I am enjoying my book....


WilltoPower

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 18
  • Personal Text
    "I am a stone. Unaffected. Rain hell down onto me"
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #172 on: May 15, 2019, 09:51:35 PM »
Congrats on job and glad to hear you're having a great day! Good on you for catching those flashes!

Keep up the work.

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 483
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #173 on: May 15, 2019, 10:56:44 PM »
Thanks willtopower! Really appreciate it. I also appreciate your comment in your journal about my support! That gave me a really nice realization: Just posting on this journal in general and being involved in being supported and supporting, being part of a community; is really benefiting me in terms of my personality/ how I see things! I notice myself just feeling a bit more amiable and open to others then in the past, I believe this forum has helped me build the habit/ mental model.


Well, I should have listened to my body. Felt amazing but tired, it was a REALLY active and productive day. I made myself go out, took an uber and promptly felt my voice going then my knee and ankle started getting sore lol. I was just at that perfect sweet spot, I exercised a lot and worked a lot and was in the perfect "happily tired" state just before over doing it.

Oh well, I came right back home will speak and stand no more and recharge tomorrow! Lesson learned also follow my own plan... not going out chasing girls so much and focusing on BUILDING MY LIFE, which I did well today. A good life comes first, (I notice the more fun I am having the less desparate I feel for girls) then the women will follow I reckon.

Have a good night everybody!
« Last Edit: May 15, 2019, 11:03:21 PM by Quitforeverthenwin »

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 483
    • View Profile
Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #174 on: May 16, 2019, 10:17:25 AM »
Feeling pretty stressed about throat.... I had off today but if I didn't I'd  be screwed. I guess I just gotta think proactively. I have to learn bettter speaking technique and I'll be okay. Simple as that. Still a little nerv wracking and frustrating as I talk a lot usually.