Author Topic: My journal to recovery- Could use support  (Read 11275 times)

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #125 on: April 28, 2019, 09:08:50 AM »
Day 2 (fantasy free) 48 or 9 (PMO free)

Woke up feeling a bit better. Went out a bit last night and learned from it.... Going to work on some fun stuff today. This forum seems kind of slow lately...

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #126 on: April 28, 2019, 07:52:06 PM »
Wow, sounds like a lot has been happening. Huge congratulations are in order for pulling back from a potential relapse. You're right, that would be devastating to lose that streak. I know my growing streak is definitely a motivating factor for me. Just keep checking yourself and making adjustments.

You asked about meditation. I've been doing meditation most days for a couple years by now, I think. Maybe 3. It's an ongoing process, and I sometimes think I'm not doing a very good job. But that's not the point, right? For me, the value is in the habit. Sometimes I feel like I get really deep into it and finish my meditation feeling refreshed, and other times I feel like I just sat still for 20 minutes. But I still think that's helpful. More concretely, I've been using an app lately called Insight Timer (Android and Apple) that has a lot of guided meditations, music, talks, etc. It even has some great things about addiction in general and even on porn addiction. A lot of the app's content is free. I only recently got a subscription to some of the other features (I never pay for apps) because I felt like I was getting enough out of it to make it worth it. So I'd recommend it if you're into that sort of thing.

Sorry if I've contributed to the slowness of the forum. The last few weeks have been intense, but I hope to be back more regularly (daily) moving forward now that things are settling down again. Onward we go!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #127 on: April 29, 2019, 09:30:07 PM »
Thanks for the tips! Thats a good point, I would feel like my meditation wasn't doing anything then stop. For my the meditation really is super helpful. Especially for awareness.

Pretty decent day today. I had a minor stress earlier but it was "normal" like I didn't get super upset, so that is BIG progress. To just idk experience regular un extreme emotions.

I had a pretty fun day, was tired but pushed through and had a great workout. My big win, was. I was home and about to skip a workout class I really wanted to go to, because I felt I didn't have the time. I felt a little down like, I'd done too much. Disappointed lonely and triggered. Then was like fuck it! I want to go! So I rushed out, rushed there and had a great time! So glad I did that. I seem to pretty much never regret doing something I want to do lol.... Very glad I listened to my body ( in the right way) . My body felt lonely and felt urges, so even though I'd been out all day, I went right back out and had a great time. 

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #128 on: April 30, 2019, 07:42:35 PM »
That's great! Recognizing a trigger or an urge and then deliberately doing something to deal with it is maybe a simple thing, but it's huge. For a long time it seemed like my thing was trying not to have urges because I knew they would always get me. Now I'm starting to realize that the urges aren't going away anytime soon, so I'm working on dealing with them instead of giving in.

Keep doing the good that you're doing!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #129 on: May 01, 2019, 06:29:46 PM »
Fantasized a bit a few days ago. Cut it out again. Had a trigger come up pretty strong in a convo today with a girl. Came out of left field. Luckily afterward I recognized it.

Not much else new. Doing well, being vigilant. Being stricter (avoiding thoughts of sex).

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #130 on: May 01, 2019, 08:33:10 PM »
Good stuff. I'm in a similar boat, had some urges crop up today.

Just staying vigilant, too. We'll get through this

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #131 on: May 02, 2019, 07:41:56 PM »
Glad to be on the forum! Felt bad all day. My body hurts, super tired but antsy. Forum is reminding me it's all just part of the recovery process. Gonna nap, hope I can sleep. But if I have to get out of bed due to urges, I'll do it. Being tired won't kill me

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #132 on: May 02, 2019, 08:43:54 PM »
True! Better tired than relapsed. It's times like these that really count. I know that antsy feeling.

I know I always feel like these urges will never go away unless I give in, but that's not true. They do pass eventually. We're one day closer to beating this round of urges. Hang in there, man (and I will too)!

pichaelthompson

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #133 on: May 03, 2019, 12:56:32 PM »
Definitely agree with that attitude, sometimes we feel off or not our best but there are always things we can appreciate!

Sorry if I contributed to the slow feeling on here as well; I'll be on here more frequently moving forward as I'm settling into a daily summer routine

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #134 on: May 03, 2019, 06:08:10 PM »
Thanks for the support guys! That night was fine. Been doing pretty good, was thinking about an ex girlfriend. (christ how many times have a written this??? lol). Had a great workout today, which was nice. I noticed as soon as I got into my apartment I felt a bit down.... funny cause I felt good most of the day but when I felt that I thought "I am always down!". It's a habit I'd like to break a bit ( alone in apartment = feel lonely and down). It literally is a habit that I seem to just create the feeling, whatever apartment I am living in.

I think it's time to start scheduling my days again soon.... I don't want to work on certain projects but always feel waayyyy bettter when I do.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #135 on: May 04, 2019, 12:16:41 AM »
Hey everyone. Man I post a lot.

Been feeling pretty bad today... I hurt my hand somehow and it hurts to type by the way. But gonna suck it up...

Each time I enter my apartment I just feel sad and lonely. Been so tired lately.... I think perhaps I am in a flatline. I was out last night and just had no desire for women. So maybe it's simple as that.... flatline....

Still gotta stay vigilant, I noticed a desire to idk like play with my penis when I was in the shower, so always keep on eye out for that.

At some point, I gotta just decide to will my way to having a good day... just break out of the rut.

So my deadline is Sunday. Sunday (or earlier) I plan to have a good productive day.

1) Having my  goals finally written out.
2) Working on some kind of project. (maybe social skills)
3) Being super prepped for another work test I have.

That reminds me, my first test for work, the speaking thing I spoke about. I passed. I didn't feel too good about it, but that could just be the flatline/ my mood talking. I was told that it was good and rarely do people pass like that. So now I am on to the next one next week. After that I should have the new job. It'll be tough, but I bet it'll add some increased meaning energy and drive to me. I really do have something to look forward too. I am technically un employed at the moment and that always effects people mentally.

Feeling better having written. The nights have sucked fucking hell lol. I was gonna try and say it another way, but I have not been able to get the same pleasure out of reading. I have strong urges and my sleep hasn't been restful. Sigh.... Anyways, like I said. Gonna will myself to be back in business. There really isn't another way. It's been like weeks now of feeling pretty shitty. Just gotta INVEST. Bust my ass while feeling like shit for a few days, then after a few days I'll have the momentum back and feel better.

Commitment: NO sex fantasizing at all tonight. Gotta clear my brain. If I gotta get up and go out, I gotta do it.

Let me end on a positiive note:
I had an awesome workout today
I actually felt good for much of the day (just when I got home that I feel quite bad).
I am pumped about my workout! I am lifting heavy for the first time in like years, and I look forward to the changes I'll see in my body in the coming months. It'll up my confidence, I'll feel better throughout the day AND let's be real, it really helps with the girls. (this is a good thing imo, any man can work out and get an awesome body, with girls they are more effected by genetics.)

pichaelthompson

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #136 on: May 04, 2019, 01:20:19 PM »
Congrats on passing your test! I definitely feel you on having bad days, alot of the time routine is really good and builds character but we as humans enjoy the spontaneous things in life...meeting new people, going on a first date, new activities. I think once you start your job things will get better as you will have new opportunities and challenges ahead. I appreciate that you are able to find the positive and still try to do good things for yourself no matter how bad things get, it has helped me alot on my journey!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #137 on: May 04, 2019, 07:28:44 PM »
First of all, congrats on passing! That's super awesome. Rooting for you for the next step: you've got it!

But I'm also sorry to hear that you're feeling down. I know the feeling, and I know how tough positive thinking can be. You know, it's not as simple as just saying "cheer up." But the fact that you're aware of it and committed to work on it is a good thing. Just don't give into to it. Looking back, a lot of my relapses have come when I was feeling the most depressed and hopeless about the future. Sometimes, I think that PMO is just about sexual urges, but it's about my attitude more generally too.

Anyway, I think I'm rambling now, but keep it going. Things will get better, and you're probably making more progress than you realize. And we're in your corner, too, cheering you on.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #138 on: May 06, 2019, 09:54:27 PM »
Thanks for the encouragement guys! I had a very good day yesterday. Today wasn't bad either.

Met a girl yestarday. She was my uber driver.... but........ We met cause I was in the back seat we were talking with her in the front. I could swear she was cute, but I only like saw her eyes. I also could have sworn she turned around and was cute. Anyway, she asked for MY number. We have  date settup.... Now I will feel bad if I am wrong and she is cute but..... I looked at her whatsapp picture and I swear to god it looks like Michael Jackson (the white plastic surgery one!). Like is it a man!? Is she ugly? Or just a terrible picture.....

I remember looking and thinking "she" had nice eyes and was really sweet and girly. But it's weird for a cute girl to be driving uber for a living especially late at night? So I am a lil stressed. Again, I swear I was in the back seat and she looked like a cute girl, but again I was in the back seat....

She was a quirky really smart artsy girl, so maybe she is awkward and took a very weird awful picture?

Anyway lols. WTF. Am I crazy or what?

Also who knows maybe my mind is playing some crazy ass trick on me. I thought the girl was really nice and cute when I met her and she really liked me and asked me out... I was excited maybe it's like my brain playing tricks on me.... like can't just let a girl like me....

Anyway, I am seeing her tomorrow. If it's a transgender I will run away ASAP.  If it's a cute girl, I'll just be like how the fuck do you take such a bad picture????

When I saw the pic I got an urge. That is NOT my PMO induced fetish lol. I got it out of disappointment BUT if it is the case that this girl is a dude or butt ugly, I'll just run, laugh and conciously not get too high or low. It was only a month ago that I had a VERY attractive girl in my bed. So it is possible. Just gotta be patient.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #139 on: May 07, 2019, 06:49:48 PM »
Glad you had a couple of good days!

But oh man, good luck with all of that. I hope it's just a bad picture and that the date goes well. It's good that you have a backup plan, though. I hope you have a plan for any urges that come up after, too (if it does turn out bad). I know those disappointment urges too well. When anything even barely relationship related doesn't work out, my brain turns to PMO so fast.

Whatever happens, let us know how it goes. Hopefully it turns out good!

pichaelthompson

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #140 on: May 07, 2019, 08:03:38 PM »
I second @BlueHeronFan....definitely go on the date but if it’s not what you were hoping for move on with the confidence that there is someone more suitable for you, and watch out for those disappointment urges. Honestly very interested in how this is gunna turn out haha

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #141 on: May 08, 2019, 03:47:09 PM »
Lol, thanks for the support guys!

So, the girl showed up very late and was very unnattractive and overweight. My subconcious knew something was wrong, she was sucking in her cheeks I guess. Damn dark Uber haha.

I kind of smoothly (sort of) was able to end it. Didn't want to hurt her feelings. (I do not appreciate the lateness though). She also was quite demanding. Anyways, water under the bridge, I went for a swim as I waited for her and after that the date was like prob 30 min, so it's all good.

I managed to set up another date for that night! The girl canceled though : (. She is on vacation a bit naive and bluntly said she doesn't feel comfortable. I was chill about it, and suggested we hang out on Thurs, she said okay but..... I was a bit lonely and got out of work early so invited her today (too needy) and now she seems to have lost a good bit of interest.
 

BUT: Let's get on to the good news....

I shouldn't have been on that second date anyway. I felt bad but, I totally ignored my feelings and prepped for my presentation (I had another bigger one today) until late. Slept not too well, but did pretty good on the presentation and now have the new job!! To be honest I was so tired I didn't feel too good and was already worrying about it. But hell this is a big victory, really big. Will improve my quality of life and stability for the time being (hopefully it works out). AND this was one of my goals for the Month! So I already acheived one of my big goals.

I was so tired I could barely move, but went to the gym and although I felt awful, in terms of weights lifted; I had my best workout since I restarted working out. Made some good progress towards my strength goals.

Emotions were not good : But I am proud of myself for pushing through, all this will pay off in the future. Was also feeling down about my dating life but, luckily a good friend called me up we chatted and I felt better. Gotta leave the past in the past. Windshield is bigger then the rearview mirror and all that. Put in efforts to improve my life bit by bit.


One last peace of news: That friend who I constantly had issues with. I realized: He ignores me 80% of the time and 80% of the emotions I get in the friendship are negative. I discussed it with several other friends, it's been a pattern. So I am going to take a break from him and be the one to pull back. The plan is a month. Let my mind clear, expand my life. (He talks bad about other friends and is a bit isolating I think). So anyway, I think that will be good for me. The key, is to do it for me. Step back from being treated this way, feel better about myself and have a break to clear my head. Not to punish him.

Also lol- What am I his girlfriend?? Too much drama with this friendship and thought put into it (as you can see above) so looking forward to a much needed break.

Maybe I can suck up my tiredness and KEEP being productive today?

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #142 on: May 08, 2019, 06:59:03 PM »
 ;D Huge congrats on the job!  ;D
That's incredible news, and you put in the work, even with all the things that got in your way. Definitely something to celebrate.

Sorry to hear that the first date was weird and that the second one didn't work out. But it sounds like you're handling it better than I would have after the fact. And, hey, even if they didn't really work out, having two dates scheduled for one night is pretty alright if you ask me.

It probably sounds like you're making the right call on that one friend, too. If he's not helping you move forward, he's probably not the right kind of friend to put a lot of effort into right now. Maybe you can have a stronger/healthier relationship in the future, but there's no reason for you to put up with being ignored.

Way to go again on landing that job! Definitely keep being productive and taking care of your needs, but also think about doing something to celebrate. I know I usually let my focus on getting things done keep me from celebrating the good things that happen. You've earned a piece of cake or something, for sure!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #143 on: May 09, 2019, 08:39:05 AM »
Thanks for the encouragement! I really like the balanced viewpoint on my friend ( I tend to be extreme). Might not be the best thing right now, but not " GRRR!!!! I will never talk to him again" then flipping too " oh everything was fine". Just a calm break and things could change in the future.

Thanks man! With the dating, I found I handled things better by.... deciding too. I was talking to my friend (not the one I am taking a break from, the one who called me and made me feeling better) about that how planning in advance how to feel, although not perfect. Has an influence. I just was thinking to myself like : Be cool. Practice not getting so up and down with girls. Keep moving forward.

Self talk like that and it's really helping. It's not always easy but it is quite cool, because doing that can allow me to feel like I am improving, learning to follow my own path better, even if the outside situations are not the best.


Update: I caught a nice break!

So, in terms of being productive, I decided to go out and talk to girls. I did it for an hour and a half, just going about town. It was cloudy with few girls out and like no good responses from the girls.... not my day. (I got in one 2 min conversation then the girl pretty much ran away lol). But: I was consciously being less hard on myself thinking "hey, maybe this was not the best use of time but you are taking action! This is good, since you are taking action you will learn from it". I was just really aiming to calm myself.

I still felt not too good and I luckily live a few blocks from the library on the way over, I had a longer conversation with two girls, then made a mistake and it ended lol. But I tried to chill out and consciously not be hard on myself (I just posted about this in Blueheron's journal, I think most people reading this read his as well). I went to the library and could not think of what healthy activitity to do. I ended up just browsing books for like an hour, really taking the time to decide if I REALLY wanted the book. I had a great time really felt calm and just loved it and found 5 awesome books right at the end.

THEN: I went home feeling calmer, planning to perhaps visualize a bit, maybe make a plan to better my social skills and go out that night and.... I check my phone and it turned out that second girl (the one who was the second date, the one that did not happen) had texted me two hours before! ( I don't have text notifications nor check my texts often...) Asking me what I wanted to do!

We went back and forth a bit, I was very chill telling her it was getting late, so we could hang out tomorrow etc. Kept saying "if you want". I said "I have to go out in an hour and half but you can hang here if you want, but It could be late for you" etc. (she previously said she was not comfortable meeting at night). She just send me back "we can relax together until you go with your freinds if you want"! (exclamation point mine lol). 

I invite her to come hang out, she comes. She took awhile and I was sure she was not showing up, but then I go downstairs just to check and there she is! Sitting outside of my building.

We hang out in the library at my building, talking just having a great time. Then we went to the beach. It was a bit of a roller coaster, her saying she just wanted to be friends and not touch each other, me walking away several times, her then getting close to me again.
(Basically instead of pressing a girl when she does not want to be touched, just completely removing all touch not acting upset, but acting like I have lost interest (I actually did). We sat together talked a bunch. She let me drape her legs over mine I had great erections like half the time.

So spoiler: We did not have sex or even kiss.

But it was a great date. She is conservative and visiting my city for just two weeks. I get the feeling she really likes me but wants to protect herself from doing too much with me and misssing me when she leaves

Anyways, she came home with me we sat really close, her legs across mine watched a funny show, talked a lot. I gave her a lot of compliments and was very open about liking her.

We hung out until late. Then I walked her back, she is nervous about walking in the street at night. Anyway, that gave me a huge boost, I had a great time felt really good and we have plans to see each other again today, but even if that was it I was happy with the experience and feel a lot better.

I had a great time, felt a strong connection with a girl, one I have not felt in awhile! This really helped me to get over that other girl from like a month ago who ignored me after spending the night. Plus it was GREAT for rewiring. She was conservative so we mostly touched lightly, to too intimately or sexually, no pressure to perform. BUT I had lots of great erections and definetly felt that healthy sexuality. Just really liking her, having a strong erections but enjoying the moment, desiring her sure, but not feeling some impulsive adrenaline rushy impulsive type of feeling.

Another cool thing, I felt TOTALLY satisfied after the date. I didn't feel I needed more, more contact with a woman. I just felt damn good happy, connected and ready to go home and read some of a funny book I got earlier. Feeling just plain happy this morning. Ready to enjoy my day excited about a few things and really can handle it whether this girl does come see me again today or not. (Also want to use this momentum and confidence to talk to more girls! - She is leaving in like 10 days no matter what happens).

EDIT: Forgot to put this... Something I live about this date is, I was just present. I just really enjoyed the time with her (80% of the time, I wasn't perfect). I am pretty sure it was Pichael who said this. Something to the effect of trying to use girls to prove we can have sex and are cured of PIED. Like almost not being sexual for the desire of it but trying to prove something. I am glad I totally avoided that! I was just enjoying the moment, not putting pressure on me or her to get more sexual. The truth is, if this girl had been super sexual and agressive I probably was not even ready for it! It takes some rewiring time first (it's been awhile....) . So just glad about that.

 Another thing I am glad about it, I was so worried and sure I was not gonna see this girl again, that I screwed things up, that she was going to flake. But I was dead wrong. When I actually feel the connection the girls don't flake nearly as much as I imagine, it's just with getting the number without a connection, that that happens.

This girl I met in a nice BRIGHT walgreens ( not a dark car) lol. She was standing there looking at ice cream. I was like "wow that girl is attractive" didn't expect her to like me. But again, I struck up the convo and she just didn't leave and we kept talking and I could tell she liked me.

Another note: When I am out practicing my skills with women or looking for women I less often meet them. BUT I meet women in my day to day life sometimes totally randomly. BUT, it seems I meet the women randomly when I am consistently working on my skills with women.

Like
Go out to practice skills with women now = Randomly meet a girl, without trying later.
Whereas when I am not practicing that happens less. I guess it is because it is far more genuine, but the practicing keeps my conversation skills good enough and my confidence high enough to start a conversation when I am not ready and see that really attractive girl I want to meet.
 
« Last Edit: May 09, 2019, 09:03:59 AM by Quitforeverthenwin »

kadeshzelbriel

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #144 on: May 09, 2019, 10:56:44 AM »
Congratulations, that's so exciting! I feel the vicarious success. I resonate with a lesson here around connecting better when you're not really in a mood of "trying to meet women." I think women can feel the pressure when we're "trying to meet them," it doesn't feel genuine, etc, but when you actually just genuinely want to connect with someone - easy! And then it's way more satisfying too, when we connect from a genuine place rather than out of all this pressure we feel from being fucking horny and desperate and frustrated. Excited to hear more about what you're learning as you experiment with all this.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #145 on: May 09, 2019, 03:15:20 PM »
Thanks bro! Glad you "feel the vicarious success"! I find it really nice to hear success stories too. When I am in a rougher period and see it going well for someone else I remember like "oh yeah! things can be good" plus it motivates me. Or in a good period it just adds to it.

Super on point, I feel like I will never 100% understand how it all works with women. Sometimes it just happens so damn easily and other times it feels impossible, but what you said there definitely seems to be the case and explains a good part of it.


Update: Feeling pretty good today, just posted to keep myself on track. Stay grounded. Down periods are dangerous  but sometimes ups/ excitement can be too! I was all excited about this girl and.... well this is a private journal so I might as well share the tmi/ embarrassment. I was multi tasking, cooking while changing my clothes. I was not wearing anything. I was 1) Thinking "yay things are so great I am going to meet so many women.... then had a flash of some girl in my head". and 2) Moving around quite energetically, which ummm was moving my penis around since I was naked which was actually stimulating in my current no PMO/ having cuddled for like an hour with a hot girl yestarday state. lol

Anyway, that only lasted like 30 seconds before I noticed and was like Wait! I feel good but don't go down any bad roads. So here I am posting and making sure I stay on track and use this happy energy directed into something productive or fun. : )

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #146 on: May 09, 2019, 05:58:36 PM »
Wow, this is all great! I'm really glad to hear that you heard from that second girl and that things went well and that it was a fulfilling experience. Awesome that you're feeling good!

It's weird to me how the highs can sometimes be just as triggering as the lows. Like recently when I've had urges when I'm under a lot of stress and now when I have hardly any. I don't really know where I'm going with this other than to say that I know how it goes when you're feeling good and then suddenly realize that you're in a risky position. Way to catch it and move on!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #147 on: May 09, 2019, 09:59:09 PM »
Yeah totally true! I guess it's some kind of invincibility feeling or that arrogance creeping in.


So good news (sort of...) I saw the second girl again tonight. Now the bad news is, she now totally shut things down and really "friend zoned me". The connection felt much less and she really just made it like she wants to be friends. BUT, I am still counting that as a date (albeit one that did not go well). Hey, going on two shitty and one good (that led nowhere) date in three days is still pretty good!

I am happy with it as I am consciously focusing on me and my path, not the individual girls, which is huge. So I am happy with myself there and I have the feeling I am progressing with my life. I wrote down some goals and have achieved several already! Tomorrow gonna aim to use this momentum and be happy about the rewiring opportunity I had with the girl and the experience I got PLUS I am going to consciously aim to beat back some of the negative thoughts I occasionally see slipping in.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #148 on: May 10, 2019, 11:26:26 PM »
I've gotta call today a win overall. I felt poorly early in the day, but still got done some important stuff I had been putting off. Some of it was simple like meal planning and getting groceries. Also took a step to further my career, making a call I've been putting off. Felt bad most of the time, but did an extra super light workout, just to soothe my joints (light weights not pushing at all). Then went in the pool, with the plan to read. I ended up just hanging out in the pool going underwater and just enjoying the silence over and over, moving around stretching, enjoying being weightless for probably over an hour. Felt much better after that.

Then I got angry a few times at little things, was a bit annoyed with myself over this but hey, this is one area where I have found being hard on myself is definitely not too helpful and I am improving...

I read all of darn it, his username escapes me but... the journal called "rebooting till my boners can crack diamonds". This was helpful and something I planned. I was feeling like something is permanently wrong with me, like maybe I have some mental disorder  since I feel so all over the place emotionally and mentally. I thought "hmmmm, maybe this is just part of the reboot I should read some successful journals" and I saw that it does seem to be part of it, we all go through some crazy emotional stuff in the recovery, I also thought of how I am doing things to progress which is good.

I had wanted to talk to girls today, but am actually glad I forgot all about girls. It was just what I needed, back to basics. I had a good two hours of feeling great, just swimming a lone and going for a nice walk. Good to be able to be happy PMO free and woman free. Not needy for anything.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #149 on: May 11, 2019, 03:10:10 PM »
Had a dream last night about porn fetishes and all sorts of nonsense. It's not the best feeling but oh well, it's all a part of the recovery. I thoroughly cleaned my apartment and it is soo much nicer! Really needed that. I did get that done but I don't understand how it is 4:00 pm... this day is going so fast and I feel like I didn't get that much done. But, hey I did some important stuff. Funny how a lot of important stuff really doesn't take all that much time.

Also: I have had morning wood like every day for the last 5 days at least, which is awesome! Hmmm, not sure what to do with the rest of my day. At some point, at least I want to socialize in some form. Haven't much last few days.