Author Topic: 27 And Done With Porn  (Read 7825 times)

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #275 on: December 21, 2019, 09:12:17 AM »
Yes Addiction is certainly isolating. Useful insight that porn is fulfilling some desires, to feel safe etc. I think a really helpful part of recovery is getting those needs met in other ways. For me a big part of porn was "getting lost from reality" but reading fiction can be a good replacement, it's not as intense but it fills the need in a healthy way that has me feeling much better after.

It is cool though, so many possibilities of cool activities to replace porn. I got into candlelight, candles can be super nice and soothing. Warm baths can be good. Excitement also was one need porn was trying to meet but there are so many fun sports etc. that can replace it. Knowing what porn was trying to fulfill and replacing it.

wecandoit

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #276 on: December 21, 2019, 09:34:06 AM »
Yes Addiction is certainly isolating. Useful insight that porn is fulfilling some desires, to feel safe etc. I think a really helpful part of recovery is getting those needs met in other ways. For me a big part of porn was "getting lost from reality" but reading fiction can be a good replacement, it's not as intense but it fills the need in a healthy way that has me feeling much better after.

I liked to binge PMO because it gave me that numbed state where I didn't feel anything.

kadeshzelbriel

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #277 on: December 23, 2019, 09:53:43 PM »
Just wanna say I got super inspired looking at your routine plans. I've been on-again off-again with disciplined routine for like 10 years now and I'm a HUGE believer in how incredible it can be for my life, even just to TRY. It's probably like only 5-10% of the last 10 years have I actually managed to stick to a disciplined routine like that, but that moment of realizing it's important and coming back to it time and again, and then finally managing to stick to some of it every once in awhile, is a huge rush for me and definitely things really start to click when the discipline takes over. I'd love to hear how this is going so far.

Yes to what everyone is saying around how this stuff takes time to implement, and it can be rough in the early going (and later on) when that moment of inspiration doesn't translate into you "feeling like it" over the next days, but I really really believe if you have that clarity and come back to it again and again, even if it takes a long long time between those moments, it can be really really transformative.

And yes again just wanna say just looking at your schedule made me feel super inspired and I've been practicing more discipline in my morning routine since seeing that because I could just catch the flavor of inspiration and I remembered how fucking good it feels.

squid

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #278 on: December 24, 2019, 12:59:58 AM »
There is some great knowledge in the past few pages.  You can do it adventurer!  If you really want it, you can go pmo free.  I'm glad the other parts of your life sound like they are going well!

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #279 on: December 31, 2019, 02:53:49 PM »
- In 64 Days I watched P 13 times

- Last streak: 15 Days

- Consecutive days clean: 0


Guys, this is all great advice! Thank you for the support. Things have been really busy these past two weeks. Moved into our new house (I'm now officially a home-owner - crazy!), and on 26th we went and rescued an 8 week old puppy. She's super cute but I also haven't been sleeping very well 'cos she often needs to go outside in the night and it takes her ages to settle down after that because she wants to play and just whines if I put her back in her pen.

The past couple of weeks were really good - moved into the new house, many things could have triggered me which were stressful, the main one being my father-in-law throwing a wobbly and leaving early when I went to get firewood... apparently I did something to majorly piss him off but instead of bringing it up with me he just bitched to my wife and his wife about it and left. Super weird behaviour. But that night I sat by my firepit in my yard and processed it and let it go. No need to medicate with relapse :).

Had sex also a couple of times in the last two weeks, both times really good. No issues.

So what happened with the relapse? Well, I was starting to feel shitty (always do at around the 2 week mark) - depressed, mind telling me all kinds of negative shit, etc etc. Said I need to go process it but then watched TV instead which is not the same as actually sitting with the feelings and processing them. It was tempting to watch TV because Wife was watching Lord of The Rings and I love that movie, so I 'put off' sitting with these negative feelings and looking at them.

Wife calls me up yesterday morning crying her eyes out 'cos her hormones are going mental and her vision is going super weird (she gets occular migraines really bad, and a lot worse since she's had the bar in her arm). The bar in her arm (birth control) has been fucking with her consistently since she got it in 2.5 years ago but never this bad. She had to take the morning off and go see the doctor to get the bar taken out. I couldn't be there because we don't have a second car and I was with the puppy who can't be left alone yet, and I can't take a dog in an uber, so I had to stay at home and let her parents help her (who live very close to the stables where she rides and works). My addiction used this to put me into a really odd state of worry. This whole thing took me off guard, and it obviously sucked that I couldn't be there, and I obviously was genuinely worried, especially since I couldn't be there, but I started to rationalise the use of Vimeo and downloaded the app onto my new smart TV. One thing led to another and I ended up peeking at P intermittently throughout the day on other devices, culminating in PMO in the middle of the night. Then this morning another PMO. Fine, but why?

I mentioned in my last post that when someone leaves or I feel abandonment or something l feel triggered. The addiction uses it as its main excuse for relapse. Well, I realised that maybe I've been relying to much on her for emotional support, and so when she's unable to act in that capacity, I feel abandoned (addiction triggers the feeling), and then it makes it very easy to rationalise relapse. It's like when I'm not getting the right kind of attention, I want to relapse. It's very selfish, really.

I guess I'm realising just how selfish addiction is. Even yesterday as I was sitting here peeking all morning, I was pretty much ignoring the puppy. But when I look at her and cuddle her I feel so warm inside because she's ridiculously awesome and cute. I was sitting right next to a sleeping puppy who needs and wants my attention and I chose dopamine instead of oxytocin. That's messed up.

The YouTube thing seems to no longer be an issue, because now I have my personal account logged in on my Smart TV so anyone can see my recommendations and history. Vimeo, though, got me.
This morning it was TikTok, which I downloaded on my phone in that haze that you get when you relapsed and just don't give a fuck.

@wecandoit I can totally relate to what you say. Like a 'warm hug' totally hits the nail on the head. I also never admitted to anyone that I had depression and anxiety as a child because I didn't want to look weak. My mum was being cheated on by my dad and she often spoke of suicide to me and so I knew I couldn't tell her that I was suicidal too. My dad is not good with emotional stuff but now we get along much better since my parents reconciled their relationship. Home was also a toxic environment, with them always shouting at each other and slamming doors, etc. so there was really nowhere where I felt safe. I also have no siblings. Later on, when I moved back home at 13 and moved to another city, P became exactly the thing I was looking for to soothe the pain and numb me out. It was exactly what I wanted as I felt like I was fixing myself by watching it. So, exactly like you, it was my medication and my caregiver.

Now I don't need a caregiver or medication, but I do need to remember that I am loveable, and that I am loved. Even if I was the only person left on this entire planet, I would need to remember that, because it's true. I myself am love. Each of us are embodiments of love. Deep down, underneath all the mind's tricks and games, all there is is love. Some call it God's love, Buddha's love, or the Universe's love. In the same way that black isn't a colour but the absence of light, negative emotions are not ultimately true, they are the absence of love. Love underpins all life. It is what created the universe and what sustains it. How strange that we go about living this life unaware of the love that we are? We have to access the love that is beyond human comprehension or expression, inherent within us. I can't put it into words.

This insight came to me during a turbulent urge-storm last week:

Love should be the focus not the afterthought.

We are ultimately born alone and die alone. This life is full of suffering and will inevitably lead to death. What is this life for then if it's not for freedom? What is this life for if it's not to live in truth? What is this life for if it's not for love?

I love you all and I hope you all have a very Happy New Year.



BlueHeronFan

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #280 on: January 02, 2020, 12:15:16 AM »
Good to hear from you again, man! Congrats on all the good things that have happened in the last while!

I think you're on to something with the focus on love. Just in the last couple days, I have sort of had the realization that loving myself is something that would go a long way in helping me fight addiction. Keep me posted on the insights!

Happy new year to you too! Wherever we are on the path, it's a new day and a fresh start. Let's go make the year great!

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #281 on: January 03, 2020, 02:57:33 PM »
In 67 Days I watched P 16 times
Consecutive Days Clean: 0


Thank you Blue! Yes a focus on love is very important. Self love is actually the same love as love for others. How can you ever truly love somebody else if you can't give yourself that love first? I will also post something on your journal soon that may also help you regarding perfectionism.

Today could literally be life-changing

So I had a rocky couple of days... relapsed last night and then again today x2... but the ones today were kind of a deliberate last final hurrah. I made it really fun, and just enjoyed watching some of my favourite old P, because this is probably the last time I will ever access it from any of the devices in the house, and it's going to stay that way.

Today, I bought and downloaded Net Nanny, the best porn/content blocker on the market. I installed it on both of my devices and I am thrilled with it. It cost me around $45 to use it on up to 5 devices for a year. If we end up getting more devices then I can get 20 devices on it for around $75. It renews each year automatically.

My wife has two devices, too, and I am currently installing it on her laptop and will install it later on her phone too, because even though I never look at her phone, if she's sleeping and I'm going through terrible withdrawals later down the line, I might be tempted to take it into the bathroom or something like that.

I put all my wife's info onto the account, so that when she gets back from riding she'll change the password that I set to something I can never ever guess.

I'm really looking forward to losing 'freedom to browse'. It's odd how sometimes freedom is our prisoner. Net Nanny is super cool and even uses software to block triggering videos on YouTube and other sites. You can set your preferences for what you want to block: I've set it to no porn, no nudity, no adult novelties, no nothing, basically. And it absolutely works! It also has intelligent software that blocks triggering material on a specific page, so you can still read the page but the triggering stuff will just be blocked. My phone and laptop and now both in lock down, and every time I try to access and adult site, my wife will be notified when she logs into the account. If I want to uninstall the software on any of the devices to get round it, I will have to know the password that only my wife will know, so there will be no chance of that.

I'm so damn excited about this new chapter. I'll be reporting back to you guys with how it's all going and if I recommend Net Nanny to you too. At the moment, I would definitely recommend it. $45 a year is a small price to pay for your freedom and this software really is far more advanced than any other of its type.

I'm battening down the hatches now for a fucking long streak. It's gonna be rocky, and it will probably be hell, but now that P's availability is essentially gone, I feel so much better and more confident about sticking to the path.

I think I've pretty much covered all the bases for this new P lockdown, but if anyone can think of any chinks in my armour, please comment and let me know!

Peace dudes,

Adventurer


BlueHeronFan

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #282 on: January 03, 2020, 07:20:31 PM »
Self love is actually the same love as love for others. How can you ever truly love somebody else if you can't give yourself that love first? I will also post something on your journal soon that may also help you regarding perfectionism.

Thanks, I'm looking forward to it!

And huge congratulations on setting up that software! I think that's an important step, and it should do a lot to help you get some much-needed distance between you and PMO.

Part of me wanted to say something about the "last hurrah" mentality, but it's probably just because that's something I recognize in myself. Maybe, in an odd way, it's a way of saying goodbye. But, either way, what matters is that you have taken a big, deliberate step to rooting this stuff out of your life. Sending you a firm pat on the back for that!

I'll  be interested to hear more about your experience with Net Nanny. I haven't heard of that one before, but I'm definitely interested in knowing more about options for when I'm out of school and have a better financial situation. For one, it would help me stay on track, but I have also been thinking about how I can help to protect my own possible future kids from falling into the abyss I lost my adolescence to. $45 is definitely a small price to pay for that.

Still taking it a day at a time, but now with some protective walls and boundaries! Away you go!

Do or die

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #283 on: January 05, 2020, 06:39:18 AM »
don't leave your goal. focus on your goal till you not achieve it.
Its not about stopping. Its about to accept that you are stopped it.

achilles heel

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #284 on: January 07, 2020, 05:13:15 PM »
The software sounds really great, I hope it really works for all those porn subs such as Instagram models, Google image search, bikini pics and so on... it will be a huge help for you and it's a good thing to give your wife control over the account... I'm looking forward to see your results and hope this will help you!

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #285 on: January 08, 2020, 01:29:55 PM »
Thanks guys.

Yesterday morning I managed to access P - I was 'testing' the software... lol (fucking idiot)... I don't know what happened but the software didn't work temporarily but then it kicked in to block stuff. It was enough to trigger me though for the whole day.

Then last night I managed to delete the app even though I thought it was protected from deletion by a code on my phone that only my wife knows. I got into a bit of a rut with urges and thought it would be fun to try and get round the filter. So now I need to go to my wife and get her to enter the password to log back into Net Nanny, and also get her to turn off my ability to delete the app by entering the code into my phone that only she knows. This is gonna be a fun evening... She's definitely gonna be pissed, quite rightly so because I am an idiot.

At the end of the day though I'm still feeling kind of positive and hopeful that this software will help me in the long term to avoid P subs and P. It might not be perfect but it's a lot better than having free access to anything I want.

I feel bad for deleting the app but I genuinely didn't think it would actually work... It was my addicted brain just looking for thrills in other ways and it led to relapse.

Alexander89

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #286 on: January 08, 2020, 03:56:14 PM »
Hey man, that software looks really great. I might try it out too.

I know what you mean about the trying to get around the filter. I used to do that with my phone.

What works for me is setting the strict rule that I can't delete the app no matter what. 'Not deleting an app' is easier than 'not watching porn'. It's good that your wife knows what's going on because that sure as hell makes it carry more consequence

BlueHeronFan

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #287 on: January 08, 2020, 08:50:50 PM »
Just a bump in the road as you figure out how to work with new software, definitely not a sign that it's the wrong path.

I know about busting through filters while telling yourself that you're "testing" them. That's a good thing to recognize and catch. Testing a filter is just a craving in disguise. I just tell myself that my job is not to test the filter. My job is to trust it and just go about my business. No filter is perfect, and we will find our way around them if we want to. The point is to quit wanting to. I guess if anyone should be testing it, maybe it's your wife (since she has the controls), but it's not your job.

And, of course, you're not an idiot. You made a bad decision, but that doesn't change you, just the story of the day. You're more than your mistakes and even your intentional slips. Stay the course and give yourself the care your addicted brain actually wants. Porn's not good enough for you: focus on the things that actually are worthy of your time and attention.

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #288 on: January 17, 2020, 12:33:55 PM »
You know what Alexander, you're absolutely right. I tried to put a block on the app being deleted but my wife set a screen time code on my phone before, which she knew the password to but forgot it (and now we have to wait like an hour before entering the code because we have got it wrong so many times), but since that slip up with deleting the app, I haven't deleted it again. In order to reinstall it, I had to get my wife to log back into the Net Nanny account and that was pretty much a massive pain in the arse because I had to explain to her exactly what happened, and then when she logged in she could see all my internet activity for the last few days. She didn't really look at it, but I could see all of my internet searches, and all the questionable shit I was googling in the days before relapse. So, even with the current level of protection, I can't really access P because it's more of a pain to access it than to not.

I have had a couple of issues with P substitutes in the past couple of days, pretty much YouTube again BUT: these YouTube searches all show up on the Net Nanny app so my wife can see what I searched for any time she likes, which makes it way less fun. Plus, it's not P subs that my brain is craving, it's P, so watching P subs isn't gonna do it for me if it can't lead anywhere. The subs on YouTube are really not sexy and there's only a few things on there so there's zero novelty so yesterday I just got bored and gave up. Most stuff is blocked, but there are still some 'educational videos' that slipped through the filter, but they are genuinely shit, lol. I think my brain is realising this stuff now, but the googling of P subs is quite an ingrained habit so it just may take a little time for it to completely lose momentum. Before, P subs always led to PMO but now it can't.

I tried installing the NN software onto Wife's computer but I had to update her operating system first, and for that, I need to clear a bunch of space on her laptop. I don't want to do this without her being in the room, so at the moment, until I have time to figure out which videos and photos she wants to keep on her hard drive and which ones I can dump on the external hard drive, I'm avoiding her computer altogether.

So, what's my verdict so far on the Net Nanny app?

Well, I'd give it 5.5/10. It's very good at blocking most stuff, but not perfect. Some subs get through, and it drains the battery on my phone massively. The internet is also quite a bit slower on my phone now. Also, when changing between networks, the internet often doesn't load at all, which can be really annoying when I'm teaching and need load a song on Spotify or on YouTube to show a music pupil, or like just now when I was trying to post and couldn't for about an hour because it was saying I wasn't connected to the internet but was.

But these minuses pale in comparison to the software's main purpose: protecting me from my addicted brain. I can get by with these imperfections in the software. I can shut the NN app on my phone so it doesn't waste so much battery in the background, but the internet doesn't work when the app is closed, so every time I need to quickly look at something online on my phone, I will need to re-open the app, let it load, and then re-load load the page on the browser, which can take time and sometimes the internet still doesn't load at all. But screw it. I'm willing to put up with these annoyances for my own internet safety.

The last couple of days I've been having morning wood again. Yesterday I peeked at P subs, and my morning erection was nowhere near as strong as the last two days before that. That gives me motivation to avoid P subs altogether, because a morning erection is a highly satisfying occurrence. Every man should wake up with an erection - it is not normal not to, and I've only been having them off an on for years - more often not. It's become something that I've not really wanted to think about, but it means something is far from perfect on the sexual function front. I will keep striving for better boners.

On the sex front, it's becoming less frequent and I'm finding myself cumming much sooner and not being able to provide my wife with an orgasm. It's been reeking havoc on my confidence, but I have to continue not to use P so I can recover fully. Sometimes, I tell myself it's because we don't have sex enough, so I'm really horny when we do and so I cum sooner. In reality, it's probably to do with porn, as is everything that has to do with sexual dysfunction in young guys.

Yesterday I was in a super bad mood all day. Woke up this morning feeling miserable, too, but am now writing on here to just express my feelings. Sorry if this is an essay, but I just need to get these things off my chest.

I don't really know how many days it's been since I watched P but it's been 1 days since I looked at P subs so I'll call it day 1. But I still put way too much importance on what day I'm on. I'm only now starting to alter my lifestyle to suit being clean in the long-term.

I still feel pretty shitty. I have very little motivation to do anything at all. It might sound silly but I think my mood is also affecting how my puppy is reacting to me, because despite the fact that I pretty much look after her the whole morning, feed her, play with her, take her out, etc. she is obsessed with my wife in the evenings and only wants to sit next to her on the couch, and pretty much just ignores me. It's weird, I don't give a fuck what people think about me, but I really care what this animal thinks... lol. I want her to be our dog and not choose my wife over me.

Sorry about the rant, guys, I just had to get all that shit off my chest.

Thanks Blue, for reminding me that I'm not an idiot. I have taken your advice and stopped testing the filter now. Plus, every single time I google something and it gets blocked, it shows up on the Net Nanny app if my wife logs in, so it's too risky. Part of what keeps this addiction exciting and alive is the secrecy and autonomy of it. It's not fun to know that with the click a button, someone else can view every single thing that you have googled, and that all the blocked searches come up in a separate list all by themselves.

I think I'm on the right track, anyway.

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #289 on: Today at 12:34:07 AM »
The netnanny sounds cool, I think I'd like some software added, I actually never really used much other then the built in one on the iphone (it blocks NOTHING) I think I never turned it off but it literally never blocked a thing lol. But anyways congrats on installing something that is at least somewhat legit!

Great observation that the p-subs kill the morning wood. I have noticed fantasy (my p-sub) does that to me... Great reminded to really cross the Ts and dot the Is because like you said morning wood is the best!

I also totally agree with you, for SURE the porn and p subs are messing up the sexual performance. I am sure simply because I and pretty much all of us here who have been sexually active while using/not using porn have seen negative affects of course!


Lol about the dog. I often get jealous when  dogs gives someone else attention. It's funny how that works. I met a puppy and it ignored me and ran to some girl really hurt my feelings lol. Though it was probably because the owner jammed it into my arms against it's will dogs want to sniff us first, so why would it stay near me after that bad experience? Sometimes it has nothing to do with us. I do think dogs can probably read our vibe/ emotions. (dogs are pack animals and literally evolved from wolves side by side with humans, they connect and understand us in ways no other animal does, in ways no other two different species connect really....) BUT at the same time maybe your dog isn't avoiding you but just since he's with you all day he really wants your wife's attention since she's been gone. I have no idea, just food for thought.
« Last Edit: Today at 12:36:11 AM by quitforeverthenwin2 »