Author Topic: Not gonna go it alone  (Read 19560 times)

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #775 on: December 13, 2019, 11:41:20 PM »
Hope date was good and all is well!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #776 on: December 14, 2019, 12:08:21 AM »
Holy crap mind-meld galore.... I was literally thinking about how "hopefully I can end up like I was pre porn, before the addiction got to bad" literally as I was walking home.

We are becoming the same person, lol.

As for the one-way relationship, I guess mentoring is kind of a good way to describe it. I feel like I end up having to talk him through a lot of things. Anyway, I guess what I'm really wanting is someone who is attentive to my needs, but I also never ever communicate my needs to anyone, so how could that ever happen?

I like your strong mindset Blue.  Sometimes, it has really helped me to say out loud too I am not going back to watching pornography again (or that, that choices is not an option anymore) - and the urges calm down too.  Handling the headaches and the stress from figuring out day to day life is still there - but our minds grow stronger from working them out through hundreds of small decisions/choices. Our ability to solve problems and dare I say, enjoy the mental/emotional challenge is on the horizon.  I'm grateful for your journal and your recovery experiences.  Small gains daily lead to big positive changes in the future.

Thanks so much for your kind words, Freedom. I'm really glad to hear my posts are helpful. Handling the stress and headaches is definitely better than handling the guilt (and they eventually go away, too). It really does come down to the small decisions and doing things consistently. Just keep at it!

Hope date was good and all is well!

Thanks, quit! I'm back pretty late, but it was also pretty great. We went to a show, walked around the city a little, got some dinner. It's sort of hard to put in words, but I feel like a lot of things happened before this date to get in the way of it, but the date itself was just easy, comfortable, friendly. I don't know, I guess I thought all the trouble leading up to it was like the universe trying to steer me away from it, but maybe it was just the evil universe (lol) trying to get in the way of a good thing Because once we met up, it was smooth sailing.

I guess that's a weird, complicated way of saying:

1) It was just a good time, and I definitely feel like there's more of a connection now and not less of one.

2) I'm so so grateful that I didn't give into any of the urges from the last couple weeks, especially the last couple of days. It would have been almost impossible to have enjoyed any part of tonight if I had relapsed this week. Instead of feeling guilty or distracted or unworthy of my date, I just felt comfortable and happy to be there. That's a much better way to go on a date.

achilles heel

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #777 on: December 14, 2019, 03:04:33 AM »
Congratulations on your successful date and this:

2) I'm so so grateful that I didn't give into any of the urges from the last couple weeks, especially the last couple of days. It would have been almost impossible to have enjoyed any part of tonight if I had relapsed this week. Instead of feeling guilty or distracted or unworthy of my date, I just felt comfortable and happy to be there. That's a much better way to go on a date.

Is such an important conclusion! If you ever doubt your decision to say "no" to temptation, there is the answer to all possible doubts. This experience should give you even more power to advance, even if urges arise again and become stronger. Your brain is making new memories and remembers where your good decision led you to, the old memories should weaken further and you might enter the state of "strong recovery" as the book you mentioned called it.

Freedomisworthit

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #778 on: December 14, 2019, 12:17:06 PM »
Congratulations on your successful date and this:

2) I'm so so grateful that I didn't give into any of the urges from the last couple weeks, especially the last couple of days. It would have been almost impossible to have enjoyed any part of tonight if I had relapsed this week. Instead of feeling guilty or distracted or unworthy of my date, I just felt comfortable and happy to be there. That's a much better way to go on a date.

Is such an important conclusion! If you ever doubt your decision to say "no" to temptation, there is the answer to all possible doubts. This experience should give you even more power to advance, even if urges arise again and become stronger. Your brain is making new memories and remembers where your good decision led you to, the old memories should weaken further and you might enter the state of "strong recovery" as the book you mentioned called it.

I completely agree with this response! Awesome job Blue!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #779 on: December 14, 2019, 07:48:40 PM »
Is such an important conclusion! If you ever doubt your decision to say "no" to temptation, there is the answer to all possible doubts. This experience should give you even more power to advance, even if urges arise again and become stronger. Your brain is making new memories and remembers where your good decision led you to, the old memories should weaken further and you might enter the state of "strong recovery" as the book you mentioned called it.

Thanks so much, achilles! I really appreciate the reminder that old memories are being weakened and new ones are taking their place. I always forget that this recovery process actually, physically heals and restructures our brains. It's not just about feeling different or having more self control. It's about literally changing our brains for the better, and experiences like this really help.

And thanks to Freedom too! I really appreciate the support!

Today was very quiet

I was mostly at home all day. I wanted to be productive, but I just couldn't settle into anything today. Wasn't feeling like concentrating much. I was out late last night, so I took a little nap this afternoon hoping that would help. I felt a little better, but it was still hard to dig into anything. Oh well, I guess I am on break now, so a day without much happening is okay.

I did spend a little bit of time thinking about goals for the new year. I didn't really set formal goals this year, but a lot of things have changed for the better. As I head into the new year, I want to be careful about setting up some habits that will help me to maintain the progress that I made this year. So that's something I will be thinking more about in the next couple weeks.

And returning to achilles heel's point about new memories replacing old ones, my brain was up to some of its old tricks today. A couple of times today, my brain threw a fantasy in front of me, and a few more times, it tried to tell me that this growing relationship is all in my head and doesn't have a chance. These are thoughts that I have a habit of falling into, but something interesting happened today. When those discouraging thoughts came through, I almost automatically defaulted to remembering little things that happened during the date that helped me to feel confident that it might be going somewhere. Instead of worrying or fantasizing about the future, I just remembered the good things in the recent past, and those little memories pushed all the worries and fantasies away.

I think that's a lesson I want to remember for other areas of my life too. Real memories are stronger than possible fears. The things I'm worried about in the future shouldn't make me forget or distrust the things that I actually experienced in the past.

In general, today feels a little like a bust, but at least I have something to take away from it. Here's to a good tomorrow!

achilles heel

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #780 on: Today at 03:35:49 AM »
It's normal to have an unproductive day once in a while, maybe it's even neccessary to find a balance between productive days and days of charging batteries... good you accept it as a "break", you're still on the right track in every aspect! :)

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #781 on: Today at 10:33:44 AM »
Man great stuff man!

So great about the date. I think you hit the nail on the head about how good real memories are. It's like an upward cycle. You put in the work to change, so different results in life are popping up (good dates, being comfortable on the good date) so it builds up a storehouse of positive memories and successes, which I think change us for the better and change our future actions and feelings.