Author Topic: 27 And Done With Porn  (Read 2414 times)

BlueHeronFan

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #150 on: September 05, 2019, 06:18:45 PM »
Anytime!

Unum diem ad tempus!

You know, that means more to me right now than even yesterday. It really is just one day at a time. If you make it through a day clean, that's great, but it's no guarantee for tomorrow. Same with relapses. If you slipped up today, that doesn't mean anything for tomorrow.

Our successes might only matter for a day, but same goes for our failures. Learn from the past, but leave it behind.

Onward and upward!

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #151 on: September 06, 2019, 12:27:08 PM »
1 day since last peak
2 days since last PMO
2 days since last MO


Does anybody know of a good counter that I can put at the bottom of my posts so I don't have to write it out every time?

Some really great discussions on this thread about what it means to be a P addict vs. other addictions, and I think everyone came up with some really true and valid points relating to this. I like what you said, @Arthur2 about P being gross but alcohol and other addictions also being really ugly. I guess it's not fair to say that any addiction is inherently worse than the other. To have an addiction means you are doing/using something to the detriment of other parts of your life. All are very difficult to deal with!

You guys are such a fantastic support system. It is honestly only in the past couple of weeks that I've really started to believe that I can and will do this, one day at a time. Before then a part of me was resigned to failure, as I have experienced so many times before.

I had a really candid conversation with my wife about everything yesterday. I said that it's really hard for me to go to her of my own volition and just talk about things and how hard they are. I asked if she wouldn't mind just asking me from time to time how I'm doing, not just with P, but with the other emotional stuff that P withdrawal reveals in me that I had been covering up with my P use.

The point is, I may have peaked yesterday a little, but I didn't relapse, and I don't want to watch P right now. On my last streak with the MO, I learnt more about myself and my addiction than I have in a long time. The MO was indeed a cop out, and my frustration was indeed P withdrawals. I took it out on my wife. It wasn't good.

I can't remember whose comment it was that often, we P addicts will be using our significant other as an outlet to orgasm and achieve sexual stimulation for selfish reasons. That we often don't even love our SO. That hit a bit of a nerve. I was definitely like that about my ex, but not with my wife. Sometimes, like the other day with the MO, however, my addiction does manifest like like that in our sex lives. But I definitely do, with all my heart, LOVE this woman. She is the most understanding, supportive, caring, honest, and beautiful human being I have ever met. I'm very lucky, and you know what? Blue's right. I'm not just my P addiction, I am much more than that. Why shouldn't I have love in my life?

Here's to a successful Day 1 to you all, tackling this addiction as if every day were Day 1.

Unum diem ad tempus.
Hodie modo.


One day at a time.
Just for today.


« Last Edit: September 07, 2019, 12:30:52 AM by Non-Dual Adventurer »

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #152 on: September 06, 2019, 04:58:41 PM »
Relapsed but fuck negativity. Onwards and upwards!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #153 on: September 06, 2019, 05:46:42 PM »
I had a really candid conversation with my wife about everything yesterday. I said that it's really hard for me to go to her of my own volition and just talk about things and how hard they are. I asked if she wouldn't mind just asking me from time to time how I'm doing, not just with P, but with the other emotional stuff that P withdrawal reveals in me that I had been covering up with my P use.

I think this is awesome. Like you've mentioned before, this addiction and the recovery process affect her in really poignant and personal ways too. I think being open and candid and realizing that it's a team effort is a good step to take. If it helps, you might even just set up a regular time to check in together, whether you're struggling or not. That way it's not just a thing that happens when you have to have a hard conversation and it won't become a thing you both want to avoid. I have heard from people that having a sort of regular couples inventory time can be really positive, even independent of an addiction context.

You guys are such a fantastic support system. It is honestly only in the past couple of weeks that I've really started to believe that I can and will do this, one day at a time. Before then a part of me was resigned to failure, as I have experienced so many times before.

This is also really great. If you don't believe you can succeed, who will? And if you really believe you can and then live in a way that backs up your belief, who can stop you?

Nobody! You're a good man dealing with a difficult problem. Keep it going!

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #154 on: September 09, 2019, 05:50:38 PM »
You're right @Blue. I'll ask her if we can do that at a regular time each week or something like that.

Day 0

Had sex at the weekend. Once on Saturday and it worked okay despite the two relapses the day before. We tried again in the evening but my noodle was limp. And again on Sunday morning but I didn't feel as turned on and it last ages but we definitely didn't get going properly. Still managed to climax from yesterday's sex but not well. Relapsed again last night and this morning. getting really sick of writing day 0 in this fucking journal.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #155 on: September 09, 2019, 08:28:51 PM »
Sorry to hear it. A string of relapses can be especially discouraging.

It sounds like maybe a chance to think more about shutting down some of your access to porn. Have you used/are you using any sort of web filters or anything to make porn harder to get to?

Of course, a filter is no replacement for personal commitment. If you really want to relapse, you'll find a way around it. No filter is perfect. But they have helped me. I close and lock my front door so that random people and animals don't get in, so why wouldn't I put a layer of protection on my internet access as well? Sometimes I think we feel like we "need to learn" how to deal with unrestricted internet access, but I also don't think there's any shame in learning that we need to protect ourselves with restricted internet access.

I have had a lot of success with OpenDNS: it blocks basically everything. I also know that I have had a lot of trouble with my phone especially, so I have set it up so it only has access to like 7 different websites that I use regularly and everything else is blocked by default. My password has to do with what I think porn is costing me, so I have to really think about whether I'm willing to risk giving that up if I ever want to make a change to my settings. Just a little extra trick that has helped me have a harder time just turning off my filter when I'm in the mood to relapse.

Anyway, this is a long way of saying that I think we sometimes think we have to do this on willpower alone, but there aren't rules about recovery. There's nothing wrong with giving yourself a hand by making it physically more inconvenient to relapse (and maybe your wife can even help).

Wishing you the best! Tomorrow is a new day!

kadeshzelbriel

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #156 on: September 11, 2019, 08:11:02 AM »
Hey hey. Sorry for the hard run recently. I hear your discouragement and frustration but also hear that you keep learning things, opening up in new ways, and your motivation and intention are still clear and strong. Don't take all that for granted - the journey is nonlinear. Progress doesn't always just look like a clean streak.

It sounded like you had a good streak going but started getting a buildup of sexual energy that you didn't know what to do with, and eventually it broke the dam. That sounds pretty understandable to me! We have to have ways to move the sexual energy or it will 90% guaranteed find a way to move us. It's the strongest energy in the world and we have to learn how to guide it like a fucking army corps of engineers moving the Mississippi River. It's not possible to just force our way through.

For me, there is something important about exploring fantasy. Fantasy contains some of our erotic desires, which is about more than sex but also emotional and spiritual needs that get expressed through sex. It's important to be connected to those things, because they do matter to us! And if we don't have some conscious connection, then they'll overrun us unconsciously. I like to occasionally do a meditative self-pleasure with fantasy to just explore and enjoy the feelings and why they matter to me, but I usually don't like to let myself orgasm in these sessions because it changes the energy into a more indulgent PMO feeling. It's a fine line to walk but I think its an important balance, otherwise we flip-flop so strongly.

Hope some of this is helpful.

Arthur2

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #157 on: September 11, 2019, 04:07:43 PM »
Hello adventurer.

Have you heard of karezza ?

Slow and gentle sex with lots of cuddling, gazing into each other' s eyes, lots of bonding behavior, and very gentle intercourse if intercourse at all.

The core of this method is that you dont seek climax. You basically just bond with your partner.
I am sure this would help you overcome addiction. Lots of touching and gentle and nourishing affectionate touch but not trying to arouse your partner or get to climax yourself or your partner.
People report that they dont feel like they need to get to O anymore but rather they experience a much deeper and more fulfilling connection with their partner.

You ll have more sex but less or even no orgasm.

It sounds weird at first glance but i really believe it is a great thing.

I am single though... I cant try it...

But you can !

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #158 on: September 13, 2019, 01:56:59 PM »

Of course, a filter is no replacement for personal commitment. If you really want to relapse, you'll find a way around it. No filter is perfect. But they have helped me. I close and lock my front door so that random people and animals don't get in, so why wouldn't I put a layer of protection on my internet access as well? Sometimes I think we feel like we "need to learn" how to deal with unrestricted internet access, but I also don't think there's any shame in learning that we need to protect ourselves with restricted internet access.

I have had a lot of success with OpenDNS: it blocks basically everything. I also know that I have had a lot of trouble with my phone especially, so I have set it up so it only has access to like 7 different websites that I use regularly and everything else is blocked by default. My password has to do with what I think porn is costing me, so I have to really think about whether I'm willing to risk giving that up if I ever want to make a change to my settings. Just a little extra trick that has helped me have a harder time just turning off my filter when I'm in the mood to relapse.

Thanks, mate! I did have a blocker at one point. I can't remember what it was called but I downloaded a paid VPN so I could watch British TV shows and it stopped working with the VPN so I uninstalled it. You're right that it's not substitute for personal commitment - I would usually just enter the password and my password was also recovery related. Maybe I'll give my blocker password to my wife so she can control my internet use. At the end of the day, if I can't be trusted to go on the internet and not fap to P, then why not give my wife the password so that I can't just access anything? The only trouble with that approach would be that I potentially won't be able to access the information that I need. I've also seen one called Cold Turkey. You can literally set it to 'hard mode' with a lock so you can't unlock it without uninstalling the application. Have you heard of this? I'm not sure if it's free.

@kadesh - this message really helped me put things into perspective, so thank you. I see what you mean about exploring fantasy but without orgasm. It's so easy to get very militant when trying to recover from P addiction and accidentally vilifying sexual energy as opposed to looking for new, healthier outlets for it. I guess I was never taught/shown how to positively use my sexual energy. It is our manifesting energy, so it's also responsible for what we create for ourselves on the physical plain of existence: what kind of job, what kind of salary, what kind of lifestyle, etc.

Thanks for your perspective. I will try to just sit with it when it arises and not get scared of it like last time.


By the way today is 3 days since PMO and 3 Days since MO.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #159 on: September 13, 2019, 06:06:22 PM »
The only trouble with that approach would be that I potentially won't be able to access the information that I need.

That is the only trouble, for sure. It was also an excuse that I used myself for a long time. Some browser add-ons or phone settings will let you set things up so that you only have access to whitelisted sites. (I actually think I mentioned this already, but here I go anyway...) That has helped me because I still have access to sites I feel like I "need" without having any freedom to surf around and get into trouble. It has always been easy for me to come up with good reasons why I shouldn't do something that I know will help with my recovery. I think part of it has been reluctance to actually give up the addiction (after all, it has provided some benefits). Social media, for example: I justified it and justified it until I finally realized that it just wasn't worth the risk (basically guarantee) of relapse anymore. Your wife could probably help with it (keeping the password, accessing information for you, etc.): it might be inconvenient for her, but it might also be a good way for her to support you (and it would probably be less convenient than processing relapses). Now I'm just rambling.

The important thing is that you're 3 days clean! Congratulations! You've done what you need to do 3 days in a row, just do one more!

squid

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #160 on: September 15, 2019, 08:11:44 AM »
Not a bad idea blue, what mobile blocker do you recommend? 

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #161 on: September 15, 2019, 11:13:12 AM »
0 Days since PMO, 0 Days since MO

Looked at swimsuit YouTube videos. I'm going to count it as a PMO because I don't want to get lax and let anything through the net. I'm going hard mode. Made it 4 days though.

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #162 on: September 15, 2019, 03:55:32 PM »
I think you're right, Blue, about the blocker. I will download asap but my parents are in town from tomorrow so I think I won't have much time to waste near the computer, therefore less time in the danger zone (touch wood).

BlueHeronFan

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #163 on: September 15, 2019, 05:40:33 PM »
Not a bad idea blue, what mobile blocker do you recommend?

On my phone, I just use the built-in parental controls to block all sites except the select few that I need for school, work, recipes, etc. I've also had a lot of success with OpenDNS, which I have set up on my computer and phone (I can't remember for sure if it has a whitelist only setting, but the filters I have set are pretty demanding, so there isn't a lot that can get through. (When I first set it up, I was still in a place where I wanted to see how far I could get around the filter without turning it off, and the answer was not very far. Unless I totally turn off the filter, I'm going to have a hard time getting to anything close to porn while I'm at home.)

0 Days since PMO, 0 Days since MO

Looked at swimsuit YouTube videos. I'm going to count it as a PMO because I don't want to get lax and let anything through the net. I'm going hard mode. Made it 4 days though.

It might seem weird to congratulate someone for resetting the counter. So I won't exactly do that. But, it is a good thing, I think, to be willing to recognize a "softer" relapse as a relapse nonetheless. If you let your streak stay alive even while you're cheating it, then it's not really alive. Going back to 0 is a good step toward being strictly honest with yourself. (And that's worthy of congratulations.)

Of course, it's a bummer when there's any kind of relapse, but it's encouraging that it wasn't as bad as it could have been. You might be back to 0 today,  but it's not the same kind of 0 as before. You're in a better place and making your way somewhere even better!

Enjoy your parents' visit!

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #164 on: September 16, 2019, 02:13:11 PM »

It might seem weird to congratulate someone for resetting the counter. So I won't exactly do that. But, it is a good thing, I think, to be willing to recognize a "softer" relapse as a relapse nonetheless. If you let your streak stay alive even while you're cheating it, then it's not really alive. Going back to 0 is a good step toward being strictly honest with yourself. (And that's worthy of congratulations.)

Of course, it's a bummer when there's any kind of relapse, but it's encouraging that it wasn't as bad as it could have been. You might be back to 0 today,  but it's not the same kind of 0 as before. You're in a better place and making your way somewhere even better!

Enjoy your parents' visit!

Thanks man! Yeah, that's how I feel too.

1 day since PMO, 1 day since MO

Okay, so yesterday something really weird happened. I peaked at P a lot. All throughout the day on and off. But something in me did not let myself relapse fully. Something deep in my brain, some kind of semblance of a rational mind in control took over and just stopped me from doing it. All the reasons for why I want to recover from PMO addiction surfaced and reminded me that this was just not worth it. And this was all right in the middle of my potential full-blown journey back to Relapseville.  Now, I have to admit that I edged, but never have I ever peaked at P and edged without full a PMO following it. Usually the feeling of needing O is way too overpowering but this time, I stopped it. I just couldn't do that. There were too many reasons against and not enough reasons for. I didn't know I had the willpower for that, but it wasn't even willpower, it was just a genuine understanding for why I'm doing this.

I have learnt something important from this. There's never a moment, never a time, no matter how deep into downtown Relapseville I venture, where I'm physically incapable of stopping. It may be painful and extremely uncomfortable. It may even be excruciating, but it's never impossible. I'm also willing to go through whatever pain I need to in order to recover. I'm still standing, and regardless of how much my brain wanted PMO, I didn't. That feels big.

Lero

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #165 on: September 16, 2019, 03:07:16 PM »
That's right, man. It's how I like to say it: A relapse starts earlier in your mind, before you start peeking, edging etc. You have the ability to restrain yourself when the early signs appear. Like you said, it could be really painful to do it, because urges could get brutal. Denying yourself the pleasure of porn when urges are so intense, is fucking painful. The brain doesn't like this. But of course, it is possible. If it wasn't possible, we wouldn't hear about rebooted people. The thing is, when the craving and urges for porn take over, only that rational voice is the only thing that could work, because my body doesn't answer to me. It wants porn, it feels like it wants porn, it doesn't feel like it understands my decision to stay away from it. Only I can talk myself out of it because my feelings don't do this.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #166 on: September 16, 2019, 09:22:01 PM »
Sounds like a good step in the right direction. You and I both now how impossible it can be to stop mid-relapse. They usually just take control and that's it. Finding it in yourself to stop before things get too out of control is a good thing.

Like Lero, mentioned, relapses start earlier than we realize. This year, it seems like I have just been learning to stop the relapse earlier and earlier. Just push that moment of self-control back further and further, and you'll be right on track. Catching a relapse when it's just a thought is much easier than when you're on the internet (and it doesn't even count as a relapse when it's just a thought that you observe and let pass by).

Keep it up! All progress is progress!

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #167 on: September 19, 2019, 12:37:56 AM »
Very good points, @Blue and @Lero.

You know what's fucked up? Just after I read Blue's message I began to stop and let the thoughts pass. But it was a kind of Matrix situation (take the red pill or the blue pill), and I decided to go back down the rabbit hole and relapse.

Had sex last night with the wife. It was deeply unsatisfying for both of us. I came too quickly but the orgasm was shit as if it wasn't even an orgasm.

It's weird how we have the choice until we kind of don't. I'm going to really look into catching that thought early. I definitely spend way too much time on the internet and so don't even usually give myself a chance when I have the urge.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« Reply #168 on: September 19, 2019, 05:38:35 PM »
Shoot, sorry to hear it, man.

It's definitely true that we have a choice up to a point. Until this year, I thought things like sexual fantasies and ogling women were all fine because they were just in my head, so I didn't ever make the choice to give them up. When it came down to it, though, I realized that I was always doing more fantasizing and ogling in the lead up to a relapse. But for so long I was focused on stopping relapses after the point of no return.

This year, I made a commitment to quit with the fantasies and the staring. It has made a huge difference because I can still my control myself at that level. I'm not 100% yet: I sometimes entertain a sexual thought for a second or two or sometimes my eye wanders where it shouldn't. For me, it has really been about consistency and being deliberate about correcting myself when I slip. If I fall into a fantasy, I catch myself and sort of mentally explain to myself why I don't do that anymore even though it feels good. I can't really think of a good analogy, but I guess it's the equivalent of falling down the stairs but then going back to the top of the staircase and walking back down to make sure I build the habit of doing it right. Maybe: instead of saying, I'll do better next time, I stop and make sure I do it better this time.

That's probably as clear as mud. Really, I just want to remind you that we've got your back. As long as you keep trying and moving forward (even in small ways), you'll get where you're headed.

Just for today, make it a great one.