Author Topic: Exodus  (Read 3930 times)

MosesY

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Exodus
« on: March 11, 2019, 04:20:51 PM »
I was born Amish and raised very strict. My parents left the Amish when I was young and I was raised in a Beachy Amish church. I discovered porn at my cousin's house when I was 13 years old and have been addicted to it ever since. I was married, divorced now, and have 2 daughters ages 26 and 22. i watched a video that listed some of the symptoms, social anxiety, depression, and loss of will power and I suffer from all of those. I have never experienced ED but most porn nowadays doesn't turn me on. Porn has negatively affected my life financially as well. This is day 1 of a porn free life and I hope to update this journal daily.
« Last Edit: March 16, 2019, 09:51:21 AM by MosesY »

cranm329

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Re: Moses' Journal
« Reply #1 on: March 12, 2019, 06:03:23 PM »
Wishing you every success, Moses. Hope that your Amish heritage has some positive features that can help you.

40-yearsOnVideoPorn

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Re: Moses' Journal
« Reply #2 on: March 13, 2019, 01:22:08 AM »
Good luck, brother! We’re always here for you if you want to talk about your process along the reboot and rewire journey. Glad to see you are moving forward with your life.

cheers,
40

MosesY

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Re: Moses' Journal
« Reply #3 on: March 13, 2019, 02:50:25 AM »
Day 3, it will not be hard to resist porn until the weekend. On Friday I will have money in the bank, a dopamine withdrawal, and be spending the weekend by myself again. I get a little drunk and all logic goes down the tubes. We will see how it goes, I will probably be able to resist unless something triggers me. My goal right now is to reach 90 days on my counter. RIght now it is at 3 days and 3:49:21

workinprogressUK

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Re: Moses' Journal
« Reply #4 on: March 13, 2019, 08:54:56 AM »
Hopefully 3 days and a few more hours/minutes now  :)
Hang-in there. Are you getting much study done on ways to minimise your risk, avoid triggers and find ways to resist? It sounds like you're "white-knuckling" your way through it currently, which might be tough to maintain.

40-yearsOnVideoPorn

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Re: Moses' Journal
« Reply #5 on: March 13, 2019, 12:03:59 PM »
Just remember getting drunk is an avoidance behavior as well. If getting drunk is going to ruin your reboot, just stop that too for a while. If being alone is a trigger, see if you can line up things to do with others thst doesn’t involve drinking.

The reeboot/rewire should take priority over every other thing in your life if you want it to work. There’s many ways to go about it but i would eliminate everything that is going to contribute to your falling off and relapsing.

Cold Turkey Hard Mode Reboot: avoid all forms of Artificial Hyper Stimulation and face the music. I consider drinking a form of artificial hyper stimulation. I consider sugary foods Artificial Hyperstimulation.

Take your time alone to sit with your actual real feelings of discomort and pain and open yourself up to experiencing them without running away or reaching for your escape behaviors. The battle is between you and your feelings of discomfort, boredom and pain. This is the real honesty of the rebooting lesson.

Until we can face our edgy uncomfortable feelings, learn to accept tham and work through them, without diving into our escape brhaviors, like drinking and PMO... how can any of us expect to make any progress at all. It takes real nuggets to sit down and face what that powerful long-term conditioning has done to us.

Think of the feelings and craving from your pMO habit as a bad hangover from artificialy hyperstimulating your neurochemicals in your brain. Now your addicted and hungover from all that drug abuse and you hsve to make a comeback and show up for work. This is hard like that, but doable.

have a great day!
40

« Last Edit: March 13, 2019, 12:08:18 PM by 40-yearsOnVideoPorn »

MosesY

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Re: Moses' Journal
« Reply #6 on: March 14, 2019, 12:28:56 AM »
I am 1:09:03 into the fourth day. Getting drunk for me is not an escape, it is something to do. I have a hobby, I collect lanterns, but tearing into one of those takes time and money. I think the only way to examine my triggers is if I fail and succumb to PMO then examine why I did. I have never done that, I have never seriously tried to quit before. The counter on my phone makes a huge difference. This website makes a huge difference, sharing my quit story publicly and getting support from other people. My social anxiety prevents me from going out and doing things. All my life people have made fun of my name and it is just hard to go out and face that. I go by Mose normally, people also call me Moe, but they find out my name is Moses and immediately ask if I can part the water for them. If I had a penny for every time someone asked me that I would take that money and rebuild the Roman empire. I have just isolated myself because of it. On a cam site I am anonymous and when the women ask my name and I tell them they respect it because they want me to give them money. Those women will do anything for a dime and they will tell me I am handsome, virile, and strong in return. I suffered extreme abuse as a child, my dad told me constantly that I was a worthless piece of crap that would never amount to anything and to have a woman pay attention to me and react to me is a huge ego boost.

40-yearsOnVideoPorn

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Re: Moses' Journal
« Reply #7 on: March 14, 2019, 12:45:28 AM »
That was then and this is now.
We all dig up any reason we can find to fail so we can keep enjoying the intoxication of being addicted to our precious high. It sounds like you prefer being intoxicated, wallowing in self-pity, living in the past and failing, so I don’t want to waste anymore time on this conversation. It’s pointless.

MosesY

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Re: Moses' Journal
« Reply #8 on: March 14, 2019, 02:23:58 AM »
That was then and this is now.
We all dig up any reason we can find to fail so we can keep enjoying the intoxication of being addicted to our precious high. It sounds like you prefer being intoxicated, wallowing in self-pity, living in the past and failing, so I don’t want to waste anymore time on this conversation. It’s pointless.

We will see how it goes. I am on day 4 and have never failed. I thought this site would be for support and encouragement but I see it is not, there are terrible people everywhere who will try to knock you down, keep you down, kick you while you are down, and stab you in the back. I am going to quote this conversation again on day 90 of freedom from porn. In spite of you, I will beat this habit.

cranm329

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Re: Moses' Journal
« Reply #9 on: March 14, 2019, 06:54:25 AM »
You are right to aim for the 90 day target and to prove to 'them' and yourself that you have the strength to see it through.
From my limited experience, there are no bad people on this forum. I guess that despite our different ways, histories and lifestyles we are all in the same boat. Real opportunity to give and get help and move on from past pain.
Incidentally, my real name is Old Testament too and I have had people make fun of it. Now I see it as an honour to be named after someone who was a hero in his way. Your namesake went through horrendous experiences and abuse. But you live now and that's what matters. We're with you on the journey (exodus if you like?)

workinprogressUK

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Re: Moses' Journal
« Reply #10 on: March 14, 2019, 09:31:07 AM »


We will see how it goes. I am on day 4 and have never failed. I thought this site would be for support and encouragement but I see it is not, there are terrible people everywhere who will try to knock you down, keep you down, kick you while you are down, and stab you in the back. I am going to quote this conversation again on day 90 of freedom from porn. In spite of you, I will beat this habit.
[/quote]

Good for you, M. 4 days of the new you and growing in strength with every day you resist. I'm surprised that you've been on the receiving end of some negativity. The place is broadly supportive but I guess given the specific demographic of people using the site, there will be differences of approach and people will have good days and bad days. This is YOUR recovery and nobody else's. I'm wishing you every success and I'm sure most people are. You're as worthy of respect and acceptance as any of us.

MosesY

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Re: Moses' Journal
« Reply #11 on: March 15, 2019, 01:53:44 PM »
I am on the 5th day at 14:32:09. This weekend will be a test. I have not looked at a cam girl site or any other porn now since last Sunday. I have money in the bank again and by pushing a few simple buttons I could go there. I have a Chromebook and most blockers will not work on that. Block Site works but all I have to do is uninstall it and it is open again. I do not have any friends to talk to right now, with my alcohol and porn use I have totally isolated myself. However I think I will be able to resist because I am watching the counter on my phone and I am keeping an honest diary; if I fail I will have to post that here and restart my counter. My goal for right now is 90 days without porn. I am drinking a beer right now, will switch to Evan Williams bourbon when that is gone and plan on having a nice buzz going before the evening is over. If alcohol ends up being a factor in my downfall I will quit that as well. I worked 10 hour days this week and will work a half day tomorrow so next Friday I will have several hundred dollars of excess money. If I resist this weekend I plan on rewarding myself with a very nice dinner next weekend, either an atlantic salmon filet or a nice porterhouse with roasted potatoes and asparagus. Since my divorce I have become a very good cook, it is hard for me to go to a restaurant because their food is so cheap. I am wishing the best for myself.

cranm329

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Re: Moses' Journal
« Reply #12 on: March 15, 2019, 03:55:51 PM »
Well done. Every second of abstinence is a victory. Hope this helps you...ignore it if it doesn't but one fact that helped me to stop going on cam sites was that the 'performers' often didn't look happy and were either desperate for money or under the control of the money collectors. I have heard that organised crime permeates a lot of what we 'innocently' watch on line. Please do not take this as a criticism or condemnation...I have been on similar sites too and have moved on from the guilt and regret.

MosesY

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Re: Moses' Journal
« Reply #13 on: March 16, 2019, 03:19:55 AM »
Day 6. I had zero temptation to look at porn last night. I only drank 2 beers and a double of bourbon, not enough to get drunk. Being free from porn means I am not overdrafting my bank account this week. I paid $200 worth of bills, yesterday, bought my vape juice and groceries and a case of Coors Light 12 oz bottles. I still have money left for gas and will have about $70 left over. My normal routine is to get a little buzzed and then take that extra money and say "Just $20 on porn" and end up spending several hundred before I know what happened. This weekend will be different. I am mad enough at myself for being so stupid that I really want to quit now.

BigMog

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Re: Moses' Journal
« Reply #14 on: March 16, 2019, 10:25:39 AM »
Good work Moses. Nice idea to plan a treat meal as an extra reward too. Keep strong!

cranm329

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #15 on: March 16, 2019, 11:59:17 AM »
Positive focused anger can be a good thing when dealing with addiction. Advise talk it out rather than (like I do) keep it internal and then get depressed and try to self sooth. All the best for this day of your journey.

MosesY

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #16 on: March 16, 2019, 12:14:33 PM »
I am on day 6 at 13:04:52. I bought a bottle of Crown Royal Black label today so I do not have any money left to mess around with cam sites. I think I will set up a separate bank account at a different bank to put money in savings and give my brother the debit card. I could pay all my bills, buy groceries and gas, and then put all except $10 in that account so I do not have money for cam girls. At any rate I am planning on grilling some bratwurst tomorrow if I stay porn free today and enjoying a good meal. This week I was overdrafted $200 on my bank account. Next weekend will be very different.

MosesY

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #17 on: March 17, 2019, 12:25:15 AM »
Today is day 7 at 1:22:40. I am a little tempted to look at porn but it is easy to resist. I think I will make it my mission in life to help men overcome their addiction to porn.

cranm329

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #18 on: March 17, 2019, 11:22:20 AM »
That would be a great mission. You have already helped me with some new insights. Well done and all the best for your second week.

MosesY

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #19 on: March 18, 2019, 05:42:25 AM »
Sunday morning I relapsed some so I am restarting my counter. I am on the second day at 1:01:41. Reasons why I relapsed; I was up early with nothing to do, money in the bank, and now that I am trying not to look at porn it is constantly on my mind. I took a day of vacation today to work on this. Sunday morning I looked at some P but no M or O. I did not overdraft my bank account for the first time in a month. Very little dopamine in my brain, I am in dopamine withdrawal. A  big trigger for me is having money in the bank or credit on my credit cards. I am going to talk to my brother about this. I am hoping he will agree to be an accountability partner. I plan on paying my bills and then buying my groceries and gas and using PayPal to send the rest of my money to him. I am going to ask him to open a bank account for me, so if I need money I have to ask him to paypal it back to me and I can then deposit it in my bank account and spend it for whatever I need. Because of my porn use I suffer from no willpower, low self esteem, and social anxiety, all things that I want to change. I am also seeing a therapist about this and will talk to her about my journey. I am going to spend the day doing some cooking and reading "Killing Kryptonite".

workinprogressUK

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #20 on: March 18, 2019, 06:45:32 AM »
Hey Moses. You slipped-up. We've probably all slipped-up at some point. I have on many occasions. You're back and fighting, which is all you can do. One thing I wonder, my friend.... you used to spend a lot of time preoccupied by P and consuming it. Now you don't. There's a big hole left, which you don't yet appear to be filling with anything positive and developmental. It just looks like you're focusing on not using P and to managing your finances. Most people on here (and a lot of scientific research) would suggest that you need to find positive things to do with your new free time, or something else negative (P, alcohol, gambling.... whatever) will fill the gap. What could you do to help yourself, Moses? Re-engage with friends? Study? Exercise? Spirituality? Just a thought.

MosesY

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #21 on: March 18, 2019, 01:33:33 PM »
I have social anxiety because people make fun of me. Grown adult people make me the butt of jokes. I am bald and smaller than most men, I am 6' tall and weigh less than 200 pounds so men seem to think it is their right to make fun of me. I walked into a group meeting one time and one of the guys said "Oh great, another 40 years of wandering in the wilderness." This is why I don't socialize. It is so bad that my therapist has set a goal for me of one social event every two weeks. My niece will be here this weekend and we are all getting together at a restaurant Saturday evening, that will be my social event for these two weeks. So what to do with that free time? Not watching porn any more, what to do? I found a chess app, I have decided to get back into chess and play chess. My roommate stole my regulation chess set, I am going to buy another when I get paid on Friday, from Amazon. I used to play chess a lot, am moderately good at it, and whenever I am tempted to go to porn I will turn to chess.

MosesY

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #22 on: March 19, 2019, 02:48:46 AM »
This is the second week of not looking at porn with one small relapse. I am on day 2 at 22:19:43 free from any porn. Last night I had some erotic dreams and awoke with an erection, hasn't happened to me in years. I hope that being free from porn will reduce my social anxiety, that is my goal. It will also give me excess money to spend on fun things, like going to dinner with my siblings, food treats such as steak or salmon, and things I want such as a new tripod for my phone and a chess set.

MosesY

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #23 on: March 19, 2019, 05:03:46 AM »
I spent some time this morning researching how to block porn on the Chromebook. I am also installing Ever Accountable that will send a list of the websites I view to my brother. There is a fee of $6.99 per month for that, money well spent.

MosesY

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #24 on: March 19, 2019, 05:47:48 AM »
I just watched this video and it really struck home with me. My root problem, the reason I turn to cam girls, is the need for approval. For a little bit of money they will show approval to anyone, causing a dopamine high. I am going to spend more time today learning how to handle rejection and will also talk about it with my therapist Thursday afternoon.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIgWMzdgweI