Author Topic: The Dead Man Has Arisen  (Read 4249 times)

CB

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #100 on: June 13, 2019, 08:34:22 AM »
Thanks for your journals on here and keep it going with the good job on staying away from pmo.
The Reddit thing happened me last year too, and as you tell in your last message, my brain as well is associating reddit with pmo after what I found. I had to delete snapchat and other apps like that to stay away and break this downward spiral. The peeking in on sites have been tough some days, got urges to do so today but as you say peeking equals falling in to the trap.
Keep it up and thanks once again! Feels good to read all journals on this site.

kenny

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #101 on: June 17, 2019, 07:13:04 PM »
Great post man!

Loving seeing your progress.  Inspiring to see it and see some things that you have been through.

Keep improving.. one day at a time.  You seem like the type of person who really likes to dig in and figure these things out. 

Cheers,

Pete McVries

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #102 on: June 19, 2019, 03:59:00 PM »
Day 165

@CB thanks for your comment! Yeah, the addiction is a fickle beast and we have to learn to control it and keep it on a short leash. I read about your relapse to an instagram model. Be aware, it's porn for your brain. Porn doesn't have to be naked people having sex but artificial stimuli which arouse you. One of my favourite rebooters of all times, Wabi-Sabi on YBR, he was addicted to female athletes, clothed mind you. But indulging in videos and photos of them gave him the same rush like, I don't know, pornographic videos give you. So, be very aware of it. Also, I have been walking in the same shoes, relapsing to instagram models might lead to relapsing to softcore, relapsing to hardcore, relapsing to the deviant fetish stuff. That's why I always advice to reboot hard mode. Masturbation led me back to the path I just describes. The increased horniness can be stressful in the beginning but once you learn to harness it, you will be full of energy. It's a great feeling actually. All the best, don't get discouraged! ;)

@Kenny thanks for your comment as well! I enjoy seeing your progress, too! You seem to be really determined. I can relate to having these strong urges. In hindsight, they were a blessing for me because they gave me a lot of energy and they fueled the fire in me to contact the woman I wanted to date 3 1/2 years ago before the depression derailed me completely. I would have never done it if I had continued to use porn or even masturbate without any porn or fantasies. Regular masturbation kills the desire to get to know or pick up women. At least for me that is my experience. Off the top of my head, The Underdog, the former owner of YBR once wrote in his journal that he had been to a bar and there was a cute woman who clearly showed interest. But he had masturbated a few hours before and he was lacking the carnal desire make a move despite being attracted to her. His bottom line was basically to not masturbate again. It's the same for me. Maybe, maybe, maybe, I will masturbate again but not regularly. I think, I can't do it anymore without being dragged back into the suck again. There is too much at stake. So why risk it?

N. slept at my place last weekend like almost every weekend. We had sex twice on friday. The first time was without any complications but during the second round I experienced DE for the first time. I couldn't orgasm to save the life of me and penetrated her for more than an hour without any result. At first, she was enjoying it and came twice but after a while, I felt that she was irritated a bit. At one point, I told her to stop because there was no point in continuing. We talked about it afterwards but she said that everything was alright and that it didn't trouble her.

And I believe her. It's crazy, I'm reading the forums for merely four years and I've read countless journals of guys who were struggling with severe DE who were all reporting that their partners were really frustrated and such. But with N. that isn't the case of course, because it happened for the first time and in the first round I came after only a few minutes. But as always, I tend to think too much. On the next day she gave me a HJ in the morning and everything was working fine again. We had sex that night, too, everything was ok as well.

The trend is still going upwards. My erections are stronger and more consistent than ever. My fear of not getting erect or losing my erections are slowly but surely fading. I can focus more on having sex that we both enjoy. It's good. I hope, I can give you PIED folks some hope.

Worth noting is also that I'm a bit moody at the moment. I can't really put my finger on it, there is really no reason for it. I guess, you can't be happy all the time. I'm not depressed or anything but not as happy as I used to be during the past few months.

Edit: Oh, I almost forgot to mention, that I met a fellow rebooter from YBR on last sunday in person. It was really cool, a very interesting person. We took a stroll and were talking for a good two hours about our addictions and experiences. Very fruitful!

Take care!
« Last Edit: June 19, 2019, 04:03:27 PM by Pete McVries »
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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #103 on: June 23, 2019, 03:46:59 PM »
Day 169

All good! Spend another nice weekend with N. Effortless erections, I'm getting more and more comfortable and confident and I'm starting to initiate sex more naturally. She enjoys herself a lot which surprised me in the beginning to be honest. I know that women like sex too but I somehow always felt like it might be a burden for them and that I might have to sorta trick them into sleeping with me. Like taming a wild animal before you can start petting it, if that makes any sense. But I can tell that N. always shows positive reactions to my advances. Our sex is playful we share some laughs, have a good time with each other, no shame involved or weird things, it's really nice. We had some very good talks, too. I like her!

11 days until 6 months clean. That's half a year, folks! ;)

One more thing: I do get urges. Yes, I sometimes want to MO. I really do! But I don't. I made this choice not to start MOing again because the path I'm walking at the moment seems to work out perfectly. I can go a week with out orgasms. I can go two weeks without orgasms. I can go forever without them even though they feel super nice and yes, I like, no I love, scratch that, I'm addicted to looking at naked men & women doing all sorts of stuff while playing with myself. But this is not for me anymore. It kills my sexuality, it makes me heavily depressed, it's pure poison FOR ME. MOing regularly has the power to send me down that path again. That's why I don't do it anymore and even though it's nice and all, it's not for me anymore.

Take care!
« Last Edit: June 23, 2019, 03:56:05 PM by Pete McVries »
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Redfire03

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #104 on: June 23, 2019, 07:04:31 PM »
Are you still taken meds to compensate for erectile issues? Great progress tho man. Keep it going.

Pete McVries

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #105 on: July 04, 2019, 07:13:44 AM »
Day 180

@Redfire03: Yes, I still take 10mg of Cialis but I had sex with N. without taking anything in before. It's just that I'm a lot more relaxed when I do, so I will continue to do so for a while before weening off. I'm still a bit on shaky legs in a metaphorical sense. My erections are strong and don't fade but I'm playing it a bit safe in the bed, only having sex in positions that have worked so far and only initiating sex when we are already in bed and stuff like that. I'm still in the process of hatching from the egg, you know what I'm saying? Thanks for your comment and I hope, there are better times ahead for you as well!

Clean for 6 months. That's half a year, folks!

I'm very happy about the progress I've been making. So much has changed for the better. You might have noticed that my posting frequency was much higher in the beginning. I needed a lot of help and words of encouragement during the early stage of my reboot (thanks again to everyone contributing!) and in hindsight, I felt a bit like the needle of a compass that couldn't find north. My feelings were positive yet all over the place because everything was new to me. I'm so much more stable. What an adventure it has been and still is. I'm still learning a lot and I'm still finding my feet from a sexual perspective.

Lately, I've been pondering about writing a success story. Not because I want to be deified by the masses (hyperbole) but because I always loved reading success stories myself and still do to day. And they are so so scarce. How many success stories do we get per year? They are not growing on trees that is for sure. I think, my story might give a lot of guys hope. Especially  late virgins or guys who are not in their twenties anymore with little to no sexual experience due to excessive PMO/PIED. Also, I want to give something back to the community from which I benefited a lot. We'll see. I'm turning 32 years old in a few weeks, maybe then :)

My diet is also going well. I've lost 6 kgs in the last 3 months so far. So, I'm 3kg behind my initial schedule but I've been seeing N. a lot during the last months and when I'm with her, I'm not counting calories of course. So that's that. Little by little, the bird builds its nest. I want to at least lose another 10 kgs but I'm in no hurry.

I hope you are all fine!
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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #106 on: July 14, 2019, 06:36:14 AM »
Day 190

Had the best sex of my life last night. Tried something new and it felt amazing. Coming inside your girl and getting complimented that it felt incredibly good afterwards made me feel being on top of the world for a few seconds. I'm thankful, I get to experience the things that are happening at the moment. Things with N. are really good. I'm turning 32yo in a few days. This will be the first time ever that I have a birthday with a girl on my side. Many people struggle to receive honest compliments and personal gifts and I'm not too different from that, so I'm a bit nervous albeit positively excited of what she'll gift me. My guess is, it'll be something very personal and appreciative. My parents (especially my mother) want to get to know N. because they are very excited to meet my first real girlfriend in years so maybe it's a good idea to bring them all together on my birthday? But that would be stressful for me too. We'll see...

My 'precum problem' has gotten way better. I'm not leaking seas of precum anymore when just being around N. It took a while to get better but I think I'm completely healed on that front, too which is remarkable because I thought I would have this problem forever. Just a few weeks back I went to chill in the park with N. and I put on two boxers so that I wouldn't be at risk of leaking precum through my boxers and my pants... Now, I only really leak precum when there should be precum which is when I get intimate with N. That makes me happy!

My erections have gotten so much better as well and my confidence is strong, too. The last times we had sex, I didn't check my erections for once and there was absolutely no fear involved. Even though she wasn't stimulating me for minutes or when I satisfy her orally, my erection is a 100% all the time. I can easily switch between positions and actions without losing anything. Feels awesome and to be honest I have never thought that I would recover to this point. When I was PMOing I had to constantly stimulate myself to maintain a 50% erection. Often times I would climax with a half hard dick. Crazy to think about...

You know, how your boy's doing... He's Alive & Well  ;)
« Last Edit: July 14, 2019, 06:37:53 AM by Pete McVries »
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Lero

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #107 on: July 14, 2019, 07:51:21 AM »
Wow, man! You're killing it! Almost 200 days! God damn! You are an inspiration for this community, man! Wait for me. I'll get there too and by that time you should be 1 year P-free.

Pete McVries

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #108 on: July 16, 2019, 03:59:57 PM »
Day 192

@Lero: Thanks for your kind words. I reboot solely for myself, my health and for the sake of my sanity but I truly hope that my story may be inspiring and spending some hope to guys who have been suffering from their PMO addiction for a long time. 192 days ago I was super miserable, highly depressed, suicidal and just anxious not to fall deeper into the hole. That has changed drastically and total abstinence from PMO has set the hare running. 12+ years of PIED and after only a few months of rebooting I was not only able to get to know a cute and caring girl but to have successful sex with her continually. The healing process is still ongoign and I'm very pleased to see this happen.

Today I was very very horny and I would have loved to see N. but she is in her home city until next week. I was fantasizing a lot but in a rather healthy way, like snuggling with her, giving her a massage but also trying new things and positions sexually. Didn't notice any rush or so but I'll try to keep these thoughts at bay and not indulge in them. So far, I have the feeling that they haven't hindered my process. I'm a big believer in visualization and when it comes to sex I'm still a bit hesitant to be assertive. So 'fantasizing' seems to be helping me in that case. I have to be aware though not to artificially stimulate my brain too much. Nevertheless, I can happily report that there are 0 urges to watch porn or masturbate in consequence to these thoughts. That's great to see!

Take care, everyone!
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Lero

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #109 on: July 17, 2019, 02:43:00 AM »
You're doing great so far, man! Almost 200 days! This is wow! It shows that it's possible.

Redfire03

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #110 on: July 17, 2019, 06:53:55 AM »
Doing great. I cant wait to start the rewire process.... I hope my dedication proves success as well.

zazen

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #111 on: July 17, 2019, 07:02:42 AM »
Hey Pete,
Happy birthday! 32 is an amazing age.. and I see you are using it wisely )

Great to see you've gained so much vitality and how much N has helped you through your journey as well.
The healing is an ongoing process as you mention yourself, and it takes a strong determination and will to fight for the good.

I am happy for you, seeing you've turned things around so drastically. Great work!
am sure you will keep the train going and inspire even more!


- remember to stay vigilant despite not having urges)

Dave the Chemist

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #112 on: July 18, 2019, 12:21:58 AM »
Keep fighting Pete!

And thanks for the inspiring story! Stories like yours make me angry for the porn industry and motivate me to keep spreading the word about PIED!

I will keep you in my prayers, stay strong brother!

Pete McVries

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #113 on: July 18, 2019, 08:34:32 AM »
Day 194

@Lero, Redfire03, zazen, Dave the Chemist: Thank you all for your gentle words and the support!

I have something really weird and scary to report. So as I told you two days ago I've been very horny for the past few days, popping random erections left and right and having sexual thoughts about N.. Yesterday, I made the mistake and looked up a porn term on google. I was doing something completely different on the internet but the addicted idea occured within a fraction of a second. There were some results from tube sites on google and I opened three new tabs because they wouldn't load anyway because my blocker will block them, right? The first two got blocked but the third tab took a long time to load. The anticipation was unreal. I literally could feel the dopamine being distributed in my brain. And it didn't even feel good, it was way too much, a feeling that I've almost forgotten, like a shock of some sort. The page finally loaded and I could catch a glimpse of 2-3 super small thumbnails of videos of this weird and unknown tube site (I don't even remember the name of it) that didn't even show nudity and I closed it right away.

What is super weird is that my horniness has completely vanished since that incident. I didn't have a single "healthy" sexual thought (no porn thoughts or urges too) since then nor had an erection. It really feels like this split-second affair has killed my sexuality for the moment. The ultimate shot across the bow...

I need to maintain a zero tolerance policy when it comes to porn. I'm quite confident that I won't relapse anymore, like masturbating to porn that won't happen I believe because, I don't know, it's too much for me, can't do that shit anymore, I got so much to lose. But, I also can't get close to the orbit of porn like anticipating of seeing the search results of a porn term. That's already way too much for my brain. I literally haven't felt anything like that dopamine shock all year. It's literally scary as f*ck and absolutely real when you consider that I didn't even see NSFW stuff. I was just anticipating it... MADNESS!

I'm going to see N. on monday (my birthday) and now I fear that PIED might be occuring again. We'll see. If it'll be that case, I'm going to throw my computer and smartphone out of the window and never look back, I'm not even kidding... I wouldn't want to become a regular PMO user again even if you paid me 500 million dollars for it...

I am an porn addict and I will be addicted for life. That's not the end of the world and it doesn't define my character or myself as a person but it is a part of me and I need to be vigilant for the rest of my life. And that's not dramatic either, I just need to make sure that the chances of relapsing are as low as possible and live my life accordingly.

Take care, everybody and don't let the addiction get the best of you!
« Last Edit: July 18, 2019, 08:37:53 AM by Pete McVries »
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Lero

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #114 on: July 18, 2019, 09:22:26 AM »
I know how that works because it's happened to me. Probably too much dopamine produces a big "low" and that's why we don't feel urges anymore. You have a long streak, almost 200 days. I've read other people saying that after a lot of time away from P, that ammount of dopamine make them feel "sick", like it's too much. I guess I understand why. You kept that dopamine to normal levels for so long now a big increase in dopamine is like an explosion. Anyway, I'm glad you worked that out. Now you know what to avoid. Good luck with PIED, I hope you don't have it.

Pete McVries

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #115 on: July 19, 2019, 09:23:35 AM »
Day 195

@Lero: It's exactly like you described.

I just wanted to quickly report that everything seems to be normal again. Maybe that incident was a much needed warning shot. Perhaps an occasional reminder that porn is nothing to be messed with ever again can be helpful

Take care!
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Lero

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #116 on: July 19, 2019, 10:25:19 AM »
I just wanted to quickly report that everything seems to be normal again. Maybe that incident was a much needed warning shot. Perhaps an occasional reminder that porn is nothing to be messed with ever again can be helpful

I expected the things to go back to normal because it happened like that in my case. On day 7 I looked at some stuff and I felt an explosion of arousal in me. It lasted for 5 minutes and then it died. I felt no arousal, no urges at all. It was like after that high there came a big low. But the next day I felt like nothing had happened: Same kind of urges. Of course, the exposure was short and in your case too. This matters. We didn't edge for hours. Anyway, it's a reminder than you could never let your guard down.

Pete McVries

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #117 on: July 24, 2019, 12:20:45 PM »
Day 200

I turned 32 years old two days ago. I had a really nice birthday. I spend the afternoon with my parents and my brother and N. came over to my place with a home-made cake and a little present in the evening. She also made me a really nice birthday card with a really lovely and personal letter. She is a gem! I'm not giving her away so soon...

In the span of ~24 hours we had sex five times, it was absolutely incredible. We tried a few new positions, I progressed leaps and bounds when it comes to confidence and I'm feeling more and more comfortable in my role to give the note in the sheets and N. likes it, that I can tell. My erections are healthy and don't fade. The fifth time we had sex, I was giving her oral and after she came I wanted to penetrate her but my erection was not a 100%. We started kissing while she was stimulating me with her hand - et voila - within 10 seconds or so I was fully erect again. No performance anxiety, no panicking, no 'what if I don't get it up?'-thoughts... I can't tell you how happy I am about all this. Slowly but surely, I'm developing a healthy sex life.

Two interesting thoughts and observations I want to share:

Last week N. was out of town to visit her parents and I missed her dearly. I was super horny and fantasized extensively about having sex with her every day of the week. Time and time again, I've read that fantasizing should be avoided at all costs. As far as I'm concerned, fantasizing didn't affect me negatively at all. My erections were on point and I used the fantasy to visualize how to try new things and so on. For example, I gave N. a very long massage in the beginning and because of the reason that I have never done that before, I thought about smooth ways to initiate it. These thoughts gave me full erections but were of different nature than "classical" porn fantasies I think. If you have any own experiences or anything to add in general, please feel free to chime in as always!

Secondly, and I'm far from being an expert in that matter because realistically this is my first real relationship with N., I want to talk about hard mode. For me, being on hard mode has been an absolute blessing. Of course being overly horny can be annoying but to put it simply it causes two things (in my case):

- you go out and find a partner to have sex with
- if you have a partner whom you don't see for a few days the thrill of anticipation grows with every day. This stirs the excitement you have for your partner. I can't tell you how excited I was to see N. When she arrived at my place, I could barely follow conversation because I got so aroused by just looking her in the eyes. At some point I just grabbed her gently pressed her on bed kissing her passionately. She had a huge smile on her face. Think about how much desired she must have felt in that situation, I bet it feels awesome as a woman. If you masturbate regularly, I suggest said desire won't arise that frequently if at all. I'm a hard mode advocate and I think, I will never go back to regular solo sex again and avoid it in general as long as I can. Another perk is that her stimulating me with her hands feels incredible. I know, that I can stimulate myself better with my own hands but because masturbating has become a distant memory for me, every hand job just feels great. I can truly enjoy it to the fullest!

There is a general trend I'm seeing. Less is more. Less PMO, more sex, less social media, more real contact, less indulging in video games/news sites/youtube videos, more first had experiences. Yes, I can eat burgers and cake everyday but at what cost? Yes I can drink myself into oblivion everyday legally but at what cost? We live in a world of abundance (at least us first worlders) but that doesn't mean it's advisable to overconsume on all fronts. Think about it for a second, there are people on this earth who don't like drinking water because they are so used to drinking soft drinks 24/7/365. That honestly blows my mind...

Y'all take care!
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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #118 on: July 24, 2019, 12:41:24 PM »
Wow, man, 200 days! That's outstanding progress! Wait for me.

CB

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #119 on: July 25, 2019, 09:58:48 AM »
Congratulations on your 32nd birthday and 200 days off of pmo!
Just keep it going!

Great to hear your sexlife has improved a lot and moving towards healthier view on what sex and loving is. I’m planning on getting there too! It’s moving slowly but I know it’s there. Our whole life we have given our brains the information that different partners is the way to go.. I think for many of us we need to take a real big step back from what sex and all is, and start to grow a seed. Yeah it’s a crazy world, and many things are frustrating. We should be happy we are aware of ourselves and what happens around us, many people out there who don’t even recognize they have an addiction.


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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #120 on: July 25, 2019, 10:07:54 PM »
Just read your recent journal entry - congratulations Pete! I think that the emphasis on real world firsthand experiences is huge, and one I'm really grateful I read about you saying. I feel like it's a huge thing I've been searching for, having been wrapped up in a tough job sandwiched between computer time for a while. Soldier on!



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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #121 on: August 02, 2019, 09:57:52 AM »
Great stuff Pete, you have an incredible story.

Pete McVries

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #122 on: August 03, 2019, 05:38:21 AM »
Day 210

@Lero, CB, rob24, squid: Thank you all for your kind words! I wish you all the very best! I'm a bit busy at the moment, but I'll try to get back to all of you somewhere soon.

Seven months clean

I literally shook my head in disbelief while looking at that number. I'm not actively counting days anymore but it's nice to achieve certain milestones. Seven months is a really long time but at the same time it's not, you know? The first 3 months were a tough battle but it got so much easier in the long run and then the clean days, weeks, months seem to stack up by themselves. EVERYONE can do it, I'm not special. Believe in yourself, be courageous, set things in motion and then you will succeed.

Have a great weekend everyone!
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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #123 on: August 03, 2019, 06:10:10 AM »
Day 210

@Lero, CB, rob24, squid: Thank you all for your kind words! I wish you all the very best! I'm a bit busy at the moment, but I'll try to get back to all of you somewhere soon.

Seven months clean

I literally shook my head in disbelief while looking at that number. I'm not actively counting days anymore but it's nice to achieve certain milestones. Seven months is a really long time but at the same time it's not, you know? The first 3 months were a tough battle but it got so much easier in the long run and then the clean days, weeks, months seem to stack up by themselves. EVERYONE can do it, I'm not special. Believe in yourself, be courageous, set things in motion and then you will succeed.

Have a great weekend everyone!

7 months, man! This is WOW! You're killing it.

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #124 on: August 03, 2019, 12:57:09 PM »
Day 210

@Lero, CB, rob24, squid: Thank you all for your kind words! I wish you all the very best! I'm a bit busy at the moment, but I'll try to get back to all of you somewhere soon.

Seven months clean

I literally shook my head in disbelief while looking at that number. I'm not actively counting days anymore but it's nice to achieve certain milestones. Seven months is a really long time but at the same time it's not, you know? The first 3 months were a tough battle but it got so much easier in the long run and then the clean days, weeks, months seem to stack up by themselves. EVERYONE can do it, I'm not special. Believe in yourself, be courageous, set things in motion and then you will succeed.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Congratulations Pete! Well done! Any other benefits you can speak to at or past the three month mark? I (and with everyone's help) have been working to change my whole thought patterns, and have started to notice drastic changes in how I see other people altogether. Keep up the good work!