Author Topic: The Dead Man Has Arisen  (Read 4242 times)

Pete McVries

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 378
    • View Profile
Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #50 on: March 27, 2019, 07:27:14 PM »
Day 81

Weird day.

I went to my therapist in the morning and had a good session as always. After that, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist which is difficult as per usual. She only sees me once per month but she is super patronizing and this just sucks. The things I tell her are always questioned and she treats me like I'm a lunatic. And to make things worse, she then tells her way of looking at things and then that becomes the truth even though it's far from the real truth. It's so hard to deal with her. Hopefully, I can leave the whole "mentally ill" shenanigans behind soon so I'll never have to face her again. Psychiatrists are something else, be warned good folks!

After that, I had a discussion with my father on the phone who was angry at me because yesterday I pretty much confronted my parents that they don't care about anyone else but themselves and their necessities. He had the guts to tell me I should call them more often and initate conversations more frequently. That it is basically my job. My father. The guy who only communicates through my mother. And only if necessary. The guy who doesn't bother to tell me that he's undergoing surgery under general anaesthetic. The guy who I wouldn't have contact with for a whole year if it wasn't for birthdays, christmas and easter. Unbelievable. I got super mad and ridiculed him that he out of all people has the audacity to tell me this?! Un-fucking-believable... He tried to verbally hit back "Pete, do you think it's hilarious?" to which I told him "Do you wanna hear the truth? It's enough to make you weep, god damn it!" to which he couldn't say anything anymore. He was literally speechless. I emphasized my opinion again for a few seconds and hung up without saying good-bye. Impudence...

And my mother, probably the most toxic person in my life? Yes, that would characterize her properly. A week ago, I shaved my hair very short because I don't like the "sunny boy" look of mine. I feel more masculine and more comfortable in my own skin with short hair. My mother didn't like it when she saw it. She literally told me that I look, I quote, "disgusting" and like a "neo-nazi". Thanks, mum, love you too! She even refused to give me a hug. LMFAO. These people are something else. Totally fucking troubled. There is a reason why I chose to minimize contact with them (I only was at their place to borrow a mattress for J.). Toxic shaming, withdrawal of affection and twisting my every word, yup, these are my mother's favorite 'rhetorical means'. Funny thing is, my mother always tries her hardest to portray an image of a perfect family to the outside world, but oh boy, when the last guest has left and my mother has had something to drink, you're in for a ride. Saying she has a temper is an understatement. Whenever the family gathers, everyone just tries their hardest to wrap her up in cotton wool so that she doesn't start one of her famous torrents of hatred. Yup, my mother, a lovely, lovely person! And the best of all, she is the judge, the prosecutor and the jury so whatever she says or decides is the family's law. Miss me with that bullshit, I'm not dependent on you anymore. If you don't decide to change for the better, you won't see me anytime soon. Not my loss.

You know, I always thought, I kinda tottered my way into PMO addiction by chance but my therapist stated a few weeks ago that she isn't taken aback that I got addicted to PMO because I come from such a loveless background. Don't get me wrong, my mother can be a very loving & caring person but you never know what you gonna get. Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde. I was always very uncertain about which person I was gonna get on every day. And every instance her mood could change. Not the ideal hotbed for a child...

Other than all this negative bullshit, I got confroted with today, I focused on staying positive, making plans for the future and investing in myself a bit. I bought a few nice shirts for spring & summer. I also took a look at some really nice check shirts but damn, they are quite expensive. But they also look super swish. I'm contemplating of getting them. The thing is, I wanna start losing some weight soon. And I'm going to lose some weight. 3kg/month is a realistic goal. I did it twice in my life and it was really easy for me. I can be a very disciplined person if I prepare correctly and am in the right mindset. So 10kg until the end of July is more than manageable. If I get the check shirts now, they might be too big for me come July, so that's the predicament. I'll keep an eye on them and maybe buy them as soon as they are nearly sold out. I think, that's the best idea. The fact that I'm doing all these things is very positive because I haven't bought any clothes really for the last 3 years. I also bought a gentle eau de toilette to smell nice for when I see N. next time. It's really unobtrusive which I like. Just a note of nice smell, that is all.

I also looked at condoms. Yes. Something I have never done in my entire life. I'm 31 years old turning 32 years old in four months. Welcome to reality. I was a bit amazed about how many different products are out there. As far as I learned there are basically two condom latitudes. 52mm and 56mm. I'll get a pack of both sizes and I'll try which will fit best. Condoms that are extra thin thus genuine-feeling sound like the right choice. We'll see. I'm totally not looking forward to give my self a hard-on in order to try them out but that's the nature of the beast, isn't it?

Nine days to go until the magical 90 days. I never have thought I would make it this far. Bet on the underdog sometimes. The profit is paying off, fellas...

Take care!
« Last Edit: March 27, 2019, 07:42:59 PM by Pete McVries »
My Journal

Seven months clean and counting...

Pete McVries

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 378
    • View Profile
Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #51 on: March 30, 2019, 09:09:55 AM »
Day 84

Another wet dream. This is the fourth one, seems like I'm having a wet dream every 20 days. This one was particularly bad. A full blown porn wet dream. It was like I was an 'actor' in a scene and doing porn like things. Didn't feel good afterwards and even in the dream I made me sort of cringe but I couldn't stop. It's astonishing how deeply ingrained all this shit is in my brain. I'm sure, it'll stay there forever :( 18 years of polluting my mind with this crap...

"There is garbage everywhere you look, in the media, in the tv, in the paper. A lot of people are filled with negativity. Garbage in, garbage out. What you read gets filtrated into your mind. What you watch gets processed through your emotions. What I mean by garbage in, garbage out is, be careful of what you take in because it could be polluting your mind. When you talk about creating a mindset, bottom line is this: If you put garbage into your mind, you get garbage out of your mind. Your thoughts are very important because your thoughts create clarity, your thoughts drive your actions, and your actions create your character. So, what you read, what you listen to is very very important!"

I'm feeling a little melancholic today. But it's okay. It's far from being depressed. Noah Church once said that rebooting makes you wake up. But being awake hurts. Nail on the head. But it's ok. Where there is sunshine, there must be rain, too...

My herpes is healing very well. Yesterday there still was this ugly blister but today it's gone. My upper lip is just a tad bit irritable. I'm confident that it will be healed fully until next week's wednesday/thursday when I plan to see N. again. Speaking of N., we are in daily contact and exchanging messages. It's good, I need to keep up the tension. I really want to see her again and I can't deny that I think about her every day.

Two days ago, I had another discussion with my parents and I confronted them with a lot of stuff which are going wrong in our family. My father tries to relativize everything and my mother just crawls into her snail shell and fires all phasers. In their current form, they are unbearable for me. I told them, that I'll minimize contact with them as long as they are not able to meet me on eye-level. No eye-level, no meeting at all. Ball's in their court now. We'll see, how they'll react and if they react at all.

Other than that, life is okayish. It's just that I'm setting foot on so many unknown terrains, it's just a bit scary and I need a lot of courage. But I'm gonna make it, I'm sure of it. It's gonna be alright, either way. I'm looking forward to tonight. I'll meet some old friends, I haven't met in a long time and there is a lot of friendly banter and I'm really looking forward to it. For the past three years, I couldn't see them because I felt so weak and vulnerable but now I'm a lot stronger and back to my old self that I feel confident that we'll have a good ol' time together.

Take care!
My Journal

Seven months clean and counting...

all_in_now

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 66
    • View Profile
Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #52 on: March 30, 2019, 09:52:01 AM »
Hey Pete,

I wouldn't feel bad about the wet dream. It's not something you forced to happen after all. Yeah, these porn memories will likely stick around for a long time. However, if it's any encouragement I've forgotten a lot of stuff I used to watch over years of quitting PMO. Just takes time.

Glad to hear you're still talking with N and meeting up with friends. Keep on this positive path  8)
all_in_now

Pete McVries

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 378
    • View Profile
Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #53 on: April 01, 2019, 10:41:10 AM »
Day 86

Thanks for your reply, all_in_now. Yeah, you're absolutely right but it felt so real and it was very explicit. I haven't watched P for 86 days and most of the time I don't even think about the fact that I'm actively rebooting. It's just the new norm that P is out of my life and I don't even get flashbacks most of the time. And if I do, I'm very good at stopping these thoughts and these emerging images. So it felt weird that the memories came back unexpectedly and with such a full force. Anyways, I'm happy that there seems to be no chaser effect this time.

My herpes is gone but my lip is still irritated. Until the end of the week it should be fully healed. Never in my life have done so many things to battle this plague ;D.

I tried to give myself a boner today in order to try a condom out but it only went up to 50%. After 2 minutes, I stopped because I didn't want to MO. I won't stress myself because most likely I won't have sex for at least another month (if at all...), so all good. Maybe, I have to be a little opportunistic. Sometimes during the day/evening I get random boners that stay for minutes. Perhaps, I should try it then.

I have been looking at new beds and it is very hard to decide what to get. It's really not an easy choice. I've already chosen a mattress but about the bed frame opinions differ on this question. Again, no rush, I'll take all the time needed.

N. & I have been in steady contact. Yesterday, she asked what I was doing on sunday and I was watching last weekend's UFC event (I'm a huge MMA nerd). So I told her about it. She was absolutely clueless about what MMA is, so I explained her the basics (which was quite a lot) and she was very receptive. I even sent her three different videos of two submissions and one KO of that event and she didn't ran away ;D. That's really nice. I can be myself and there is no need to put on a mask for her or to disguise myself. I'm very much looking forward to seeing her this week.

Furthermore, I'll start my diet tomorrow. I need to dig out my old scale which is buried somewhere in the basement and I need to buy batteries for my food scale. I'm going to count calories which I have done in the past. It's super effective and it only takes about 10 minutes total daily. Very easy to do with the scale and a smartphone. If you are overweight and want to lose some weight, start counting calories. It's failproof, trust me. Moreover, I need to at least begin with a small daily exercise regimen (push-ups, abdominal training & something for the arms will be enough)  so that my body will lose fat instead of muscles. This is very, very important when you are about to lose some weight.

I'm quite happy about the changes I put into effect in the past few weeks:
- I've gone vegetarian
- I've completely stopped drinking coffee
- No more dairy goods
- I've stopped smoking
- I will start losing weight
- I'm still rebooting succesfully
- I've started dating a beautiful and loving woman
- I'm more closer to my friends and siblings
- generally more happy with my life

A genuine Thank You to everyone that has been contributing to my journey. It really makes things easier for me. Peer support is very important for me.

Thank you!

My Journal

Seven months clean and counting...

KittyHawk

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 186
    • View Profile
Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #54 on: April 01, 2019, 01:29:05 PM »
That all sounds so great Pete.

Don’t stress about getting it only 50% hard for condom. You were probably just thinking about the erection itself instead of focusing on your arousal. Getting a boner is a subconscious thing. And since you are getting random boners even during a day, I am sure you will be ready to perform when the time comes. Just don’t overthink it.
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

Pete McVries

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 378
    • View Profile
Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #55 on: April 02, 2019, 09:03:01 AM »
Day 87

Kitty, you are totally right. Today's morning, I had a good erection and tried out a condom. To my astonishment it seemed to be a bit too tight or small as I had problems rolling it down. I thought, the smaller ones would fit me better but apparently my dick is a little bigger than I had thought ;D. I will try the bigger/normal ones the next time and I suppose they will fit better.

I'm going to see N. either tomorrow or on thursday. We will go to a cinema near her flat in the evening. I'm excited to see her and how the evening pans out ;). My lips are fully recovered and juicy as hell due to the moisturizer I have used the past few days  :-* ;D

Furthermore, I haven't found my scale yet, so my diet has to wait until I have found the damn thing. But a day or two will not matter, all good.

Later!
My Journal

Seven months clean and counting...

Pete McVries

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 378
    • View Profile
Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #56 on: April 03, 2019, 04:47:36 AM »
Day 88

Change of plans. N. told me that she would love to go to a restaurant with me on thursday. This is a problem for me. I haven't talked about it in this journal but now I have to explain. Three years ago, when shit hit the fan, I had developed a pretty strong social anxiety/social phobia. This was mainly the reason for my depression because I was such an outgoing guy. The depression was just a byproduct because my life had changed so drastically. My social anxiety/social phobia has gotten a lot better during the past months but I am still vulnerable. Being vulnerable in my case means that when I enter a social area of tension like a restaurant/bar/pub/e.g. I can get very insecure and uneasy. It's hard to describe, it's like being thin-skinned, like having an overly sensitive receptivity. The awareness is very high, too many glances and the way of thinking of other people are always calculated by me. The external perspective can dominate my actual internal way of thinking then. When I catch people looking at me the "wrong" way, I can get irritated/anxious quickly. Sometimes I think they are making fun of me or laughing about me. It can be very very strenuous. I hope, you understand what I mean by this, it's hard to describe in English for me.

As if it wasn't exciting enough to date a woman I like and whom I find highly attractive, I now have to battle my demons too at the same time. Oh boy. I somehow knew this moment would come but maybe I was ignorant to keep cool. The weird thing is, once I get accustomed to the situation and if nobody has reacted "weird" or "wrong" to me, everything is fine. If the guests and the waiters would always be the same, it would be very easy for me because I would get used to the people and the situation. That's so crazy about it. Living in a big city, I always see people on the daily who I don't know. And everytime I have to negotiate with myself how and if they react to me. That's exhausting, I tell you. That's also the reason why I'm always listening to music because I can isolate myself more from other people. And sunglasses help too. I like the winter because people stay at home more but I also like the summer because I can wear sunglasses and further disguise myself haha ;D. I'm fucked up :o.

I think, I have to take the risk and bite the bullet. I truly hate this condition I have. And I never ever would have guessed that it existed until I had to experience it myself. :-\

I'm going to my therapist in a few hours and discuss it with her.

Till later then.
My Journal

Seven months clean and counting...

jixu

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 142
    • View Profile
Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #57 on: April 03, 2019, 05:21:38 AM »
Hope you don't try to back out of the restaurant date.  Think about all the changes you noted in your day 86 entry.  You are not the same person you were before so you cant use the old standard about social anxiety that you have applied to yourself.  Hope you have a good time.  As for the young lady, work on building the connection by doing activities and talking about things-that is what endures.   

Pete McVries

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 378
    • View Profile
Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #58 on: April 03, 2019, 09:04:59 AM »
Thanks for your encouragement and your helfpul comment, jixu. No, I won't back down. In fact, I'm already looking for restaurants to which we can go to tomorrow. We'll either have a good time or I'll perish in style :). I already have ironed my favorite check shirt, everything's ready.

When I was in my early twenties, I occupied myself with pick up 'literature' for a while. In conclusion, I didn't like it because I got the feeling that the whole 'fake it until you make it' mentality was pretty unauthentic. But nevertheless, there is a lot of knowledge to be gained. Shit tests for example. They are definitely real. N. doesn't shit test a lot but she has indeed shit tested me once or twice and I think I passed them with flying colors. And while asking to go to a restaurant isn't an actual shit test, me not accepting to go there because of my phobia would feel like failing a very important shit test the worst possible way. So, I don't have a choice either way. And I don't want to sound too dramatic, I really want to go a restaraunt with her and if everything goes well - and it goes well ~90% of the time when I expose myself in social areas of tension (I just don't like it anymore) - I will have a great time with her. It'll be fine. It's just so many new things on so many new fronts, it's exciting and frightening at the same time. I'll get used to it, I'm sure...

We doing shit that people do in only dreams
And I ain't talking bout the pretty shit on the screens
I'm talking about actual self-fulfillment
Dreams you imagined manifested into real shit
Dreams you feel with the core of your soul
Dreams you've had since you were four years old
Dreams you've had that kept you warm when it was cold
That one glimmer of hope that good fortune's down the road
« Last Edit: April 03, 2019, 09:15:02 AM by Pete McVries »
My Journal

Seven months clean and counting...

Pete McVries

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 378
    • View Profile
Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #59 on: April 03, 2019, 06:08:12 PM »
Good gracious, I just spent 430€ on a new mattress and 150€ on 2 bedsheets, 4 pillowcases & 4 duvet covers... :o At least they are supposed to be super cozy and have an eco-seal. N. (or another girl for that matter) better be comfy once I suplex her into the sheets ;D

I will have to pay 280€ for 2 slatted frames and then I need a fuckin bed on top of it which I'll buy once I moved places (hopefully soon). Err, would you guys support me on patreon or send me some money via paypal? Or else I need to find the Golden-Ass (please no Cudgel in the Sack though) or catch a damn Leprechaun.

Jiminy cricket! I'm investing a lot of money in a dick that has been dead for a while. Like for years. We are talking almost two centuries...

What am I doing?! I feel like an insane broker :o


My Journal

Seven months clean and counting...

Pete McVries

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 378
    • View Profile
Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #60 on: April 04, 2019, 09:45:42 PM »
Day 90

90 days PMO free. A huge milestone. On to the next 90 days. I'll have 180 pmo free days shortly before my 32nd birthday. Let's make it happen...

I went to the restaurant with N. last night. At first, I thought she was going to flake because when I asked her which tram she was going to take, it took her really long to answer. But in the end she answered and I went to pick her up from the station. It was really nice to see her again, but I failed to give her a kiss on the cheek as I had planned to set a romantic tone right away. I also didn't ask her to link arms with me. It just didn't feel right, I don't know, it would have felt forced. So anyways, we ended up in the restaurant and had a very good talk right away. Haha, I asked N. beforehand if I could help her out of her jacket but she laughingly refused my offer. I don't know, she is something else... The waitress came two times to take orders but we talked for so long that we didn't even look at the menu. Eventually, we ordered our food and it was delicious but we were talking so much and had such a good chemistry that we both only finished half of our meal and it got cold eventually so we left it at that. Time was flying. At one point, I asked her if she wanted to share a dessert with me which she wanted to but as I looked on the clock it was already 11pm and the kitchen had closed so no dessert for us. It didn't feel like three hours to me which is a really good sign, I guess. An hour later, I ordered the bill and as she was looking for her wallet, I asked her if I could invite her. Again, at first she refused the offer but I told her that I really would like to pay for the date but if she wanted to pay for herself that would be fine by me also. She was thinking for 3-4 seconds before she agreed to me paying for it. And the bill was really negligible, so all good.

We left the restaurant at midnight and her last tram was going at 1am, so we decide to take a long stroll through the neighbourhood and walked through parks and small alleys. Again, we're having great conversations it almost feels like she's an old friend of mine in that sense. I told her a lot about my struggle I had the past three years and she was very understanding and asked the right questions and was sensitive not to further ask questions sometimes, she makes me feel very comfortable. But I also wanted to kiss her, I know you guys want some action haha and I can't leave you empty-handed, can I ;D? So I brought her to the station and we chatted a little more. I knew, I was running out of time and as the tram was approaching from afar we were agreeing on seeing each other soon. And then I just told myself "fuck it, just go for it" and I kissed her. I think, I caught her by surprise but she responded very well quickly and she is good kisser and I haven't unlearned how to kiss properly and she was very affectionate and started fondling my cheek while kissing me. It was really nice. And way too short because she had to take the damn train, CJ! 8) Still, I need to work on my damn transition. I don't know, I can make her laugh at will, it's really effortless but, man, initiating a kiss smoothly was never and probably will never be my strong suit. Argh!

While I was walking back home I sent her a short message thanking her for the nice evening and that she should shoot me a message once she arrived home safe and sound. She instantly replied and also thanked me for the nice evening and later sent me another message when she was home.

All's well that ends well. (for now ;))
 
« Last Edit: April 05, 2019, 09:39:20 AM by Pete McVries »
My Journal

Seven months clean and counting...

Georgos

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 542
    • View Profile
Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #61 on: April 05, 2019, 05:06:22 PM »
Pete I also suffer from social anxiety as part of my psychosis, exactly like you describe, if you're interested perhaps we could explore this some more, as it is definitely something I have to deal with.

I have never liked writing about making physcial moves on girls or even recounting my physical experiences, I've either been scared that it was crass or I'd sound perverse, but I think I am going to take a leaf out of your book and make a few more positive remarks in that direction. So next time I see the lady I've been dating, I'm going to try and kiss her, I hope she responds. Thank you.

Pete McVries

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 378
    • View Profile
Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #62 on: April 06, 2019, 07:27:09 AM »
Day 91

Thanks for your comment, Georgos. I would love to explore it some more, are you comfortable discussing it more privately via PMs?

I have never liked writing about making physcial moves on girls or even recounting my physical experiences, I've either been scared that it was crass or I'd sound perverse, but I think I am going to take a leaf out of your book and make a few more positive remarks in that direction. So next time I see the lady I've been dating, I'm going to try and kiss her, I hope she responds. Thank you.

For me, it is very important to write about it because I have been lacking intimacy for such a long long time. I don't think describing a short kiss is crass or perverted, it's just intimacy between two humans, it's natural and beautiful. Should I get more intimate with her will I choose my words wisely as I don't want to trigger anybody or write a romantic/pornographic novel ;)

I'm going to see N. tomorrow for another stroll in the evening and on monday we're going to the cinema.
My Journal

Seven months clean and counting...

Georgos

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 542
    • View Profile
Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #63 on: April 07, 2019, 01:19:26 PM »
Quote
Thanks for your comment, Georgos. I would love to explore it some more, are you comfortable discussing it more privately via PMs?

I'm happy discussing it out in the open or over PM, whichever you prefer, you can PM me if you like. I have some quite metaphysical ideas about it, have never really been able to articulate the perceptions, as you did so well, and ground them in physical or biochemical science. It seems to me like I really do connect with people on a higher plane and we become entangled so that everything they are saying or doing is connected to me, and my consciousness is fixed on them. As we have separate brains, the higher level (spiritual?) entanglement becomes difficult to control. At the end of his book on Intimacy, Osho actually encourages people to get into this state, but he warns that there are problems if one thinks of the other person as a "thing" or an object, something to control or possess, or fears that they will do the same to you, viewing you as a "thing" or object, again something to control or possess. He says if you can do it from a position of loving acceptance then you can experience an at onement with someone else. However, he is talking about choosing who one joins with, whereas what I experience, possibly due to having holes in my energy field (a Chinese Doctor's diagnosis of my condition), is uncontrollable joining when I don't want it. Anyway, perhaps this all too much metaphysical analysis of the symptoms for your liking. I too would like a physical or biochemical understanding. As I said, feel free to PM me if you feel it would help. Thank you.

Pete McVries

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 378
    • View Profile
Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #64 on: April 08, 2019, 09:27:50 PM »
Day 94

Georgos, I'll pm you as soon as I have some more time. I'm very busy atm.

Things with N. are going really well. Yesterday, we went to a cemetary (no we are not ghoulish, it's a very beautiful one, a place of retreat in a very busy city) and talked for a good 3 hours straight. Before leaving we made out for a minute or so. I then walked her home and we said our good-byes. Tonight we went to the cinema to see a really interesting movie. After that more talking and making out for a bit before I had to take my tram. Before entering the tram I asked her if we were going to see each other again this week to which she replied that she hopes so.

Things are good at the moment.


My Journal

Seven months clean and counting...

Pete McVries

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 378
    • View Profile
Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #65 on: April 13, 2019, 07:45:07 PM »
Day 98

Two days until triple digits sobriety 8).

Reboot is still going fine. Unfortunately, I didn't manage to meet with N. this week but we will see each other on monday. She will come around to my flat and for the past two days I have been refurbishing my home ;D. It's quite nice. The new bed kicks ass, too. There is a warm white chain of lights underneath it and creates a wonderful atmosphere (not only for making babies ;)). The new mattress and the new duvet covers are also super cozy. I haven't slept that good in a long long time. That was a very good investment.

Today, I popped 5mg of cialis to try it out how it feels and I don't feel any side effects which is great. Years ago, the side effects of viagra were killing me, it was so uncomfortable. Maybe, I'll take 10mg of cialis when N. visits me on monday?! I'm so unsure, I mean, I don't really know if anything will happen that night. Sure, we'll make out in my bed - at least that's what I'm hoping for - but will there be any sex? I don't know... Most likely, I will have to initiate it but maybe it's too early? Hmmm...

But, the great news is, I feel excited and hopeful when I think about having sex. At the moment, there is no fear or thoughts of failure, even though I'm very aware of the fact, that I may fail miserably but I think, I'm able to take it. Oh, I also tried different condoms and this time I was able to achieve a lasting erection. I found the right size now and I was able to put it on without a problem. Even though, it's a tad bit difficult to find the right side. How do you guys do it? Especially when it's dark... Every insight is welcome ;) And where do you store the condoms? I don't have a bed stand, so I might store them somewhere under the bed or so... I don't want to walk across the room and back to bed to get condoms out of a drawer...

What music do you guys play when you're getting it on? I thought about maybe putting a playlist together that contains of relaxing & melodic Air and Groove Armada songs?

And I'm praying to the old gods and the new that I won't have a wet dream before monday. Please... Thank you!

Exciting times!

« Last Edit: April 13, 2019, 07:48:28 PM by Pete McVries »
My Journal

Seven months clean and counting...

all_in_now

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 66
    • View Profile
Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #66 on: April 14, 2019, 06:16:38 AM »
Hey Pete, this is crazzyy, real happy for you. You’ve put in the hard work and now it’s time to see what happens (if you want to try). Either way, performance or not,  getting intimate with her will definitely help you. Also, I wouldn’t frame not performing as failure, attempting is still progress.

As for the condoms, just get a mint box and put the condom(s) in it. That way you can discreetly pull it out of your jacket or something.

I don’t use any music, but if it helps you and her go for it.

Good luck man!
all_in_now

Pete McVries

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 378
    • View Profile
Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #67 on: April 16, 2019, 11:07:06 AM »
Day 101

I just had the best night in a long long time. Right away, I tell you that we didn't have sex but it was wonderful anyways. I didn't sleep for a single second. Unfortunately, I had a herpes again since saturday. I really don't get it but this time it was so small and it didn't even break out (it was invisible) but I could feel it. It doesn't make any sense to me, I feel healthy, I feel strong, my immune system feels good, my lymph nodes are not swollen or so, it just doesn't make any sense. My therapist, which I saw yesterday before N. visited me commented on it, that it was maybe my body's way of putting a little speed bump in my way. So that I don't get to the 'finish line' too quickly. It kinda makes sense when I think about it. So I picked up N. from the bus station near my flat, I told her right away that I wouldn't be able to kiss her that night because of my herpes. She wasn't disgusted or so and we joked a little about it but she was slightly disappointed haha. But I told her, that she could kiss me anywhere but my mouth which she commented with a kiss on my cheek right away.

The last few days, I spent cleaning my flat and it looks the best since I moved in. I don't have a big flat but it has a nice layout and N. really liked it. She complimented it right away and sat at my big window and really enjoyed the view. I made her a coffee and we just sat there and talked for a while enjoying the last sunrays. Then, I showed her a photo album of mine which my parents made for me when I turned 18. It has a lot of photos from basically all my life with texts and comments and if you read it, you basically know who I am. At least partly. N. really enjoyed it and had to laugh a lot. Off to a good start :). We sat on my bed already and then I suggested to watch a movie (she is a film nerd, so am I) and I had chosen 4 movies beforehand but I let her decide out of the four. While she made herself comfortable, she, again, commented on how super cozy my bed was and how comfortable my duvet covers were. Haha, I left nothing to chance, didn't I ;)?. Money well spent, ka-ching!

While she was lying next to me, I casually put my hand on her knee which was next to me and started caressing a bit. She then snuggled up to me and we got closer and closer. It felt so good. Let me tell you this, I had almost forgotten what a woman feels like. She was so soft and felt so good, she has really nice legs. After the movie finished we discussed it for a while and had something to eat. It was already a bit late and the last bus was about to commence, so I asked her if she wanted to watch another movie but I also told her that she then had to take a cab back home. She wanted to watch another movie which we then did. It was "What We Do in the Shadows" (2014) and if you haven't seen it, I strongly recommend you to watch it. In my humble opinion, it's the funniest and wittiest movie of this century. Yes, it's that good. If you like goofy humor, you're in for an absolute treat. We were laughing our asses off and had a great time. After finishing the movie we really got more closer and closer again until we were really pressed against each other and it felt so good. I was stroking her back and also her butt (she has a great behind, it felt sooo good) and she liked it. A lot of questions were answered last night. The dead man isn't dead anymore. He was alive and kicking and throughout the night I had several full erections. Very good news. I'm very confident that I will be able to perform once it comes down to it. Rebooting works. Stick to it and you will recover. Push through until the Delta Fos B has vanished and good things will happen.

Things got a little more heated, and all_in_now, you were totally right, she wants IT as much as I want it. That's another question that was answered. I had to initiate again but once we had established a certain level of intimacy, she was in for it. At one time she started kissing my cheeks and went down to my neck and I loved it. So I told her that she shouldn't be surprised if I started purring to which she had to chuckle and intensified her kissing. I then told her, that I would so loved to respond her kisses but I couldn't. She uttered a sigh but I told her that the work will keep which made her laugh again ;). We have such a good chemistry. Malando said in Georgos journal that sexual chemistry is usually noticeable by its effortlessness. One of the best quotes that I have read so far on the forums because it describes N.'s and my situation to a tee.

After that we started snuggling again without saying anything and then she fell asleep in my arms. Wow, what a wonderful feeling. She must trust me a lot already. I didn't dare to move and just listened to her deep breaths while she was tight in my arms. What a lovely feeling. I'm so thankful for everything that's happening right now. I ain't Max Holloway but I feel truly blessed. At about 8 am I woke her up because she told me earlier the day before that she had to visit her best friend for a birthday brunch. Oh and her sleepy voice, soooo cute ;D. I brought her to the bus station, waited for her to drive off and then floated back home because walking was barely possible due to massive blue balls haha. Luckily, they are gone by now but I get used to that feeling by now 8).

All in all a fantastic night. And I'm sure, it'll only get better from now on. It's on!

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention it but in my opinion it shows you what a great character she has. At one point during the night, I was asking her if she liked my short shaved her better or my long hair. She responded that she doesn't really care as long as I feel comfortable with it. Wow, I was really blown away by that answer. She is a jewel.

There is only one downside. My precum problem. I really leaked a lot throughout the night that I feared at one point that the stain would be visible through the jeans I was wearing. Sly as a fox, I deposited a fresh boxer shorts in my bathroom before N. arrived at my place. And I changed that boxers at one point because it made me feel uncomfortable. I really don't know how to handle the problem. I get it, my body is super sensible and responsive but take a step back bro, turn off the faucet, no need for a flash flood :D. Oh boy, I hope the problem resolves itself once I get a regular release through sex. I mean, it's not the worst problem to have and a little is ok but it's too much. It's just too much and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I hope, it doesn't scare N. away and I hope it doesn't make me self-conscious once she decides to say hello to my little friend.

A genuine thank you again to everyone contributing to my journey. You have been of tremendous help!
« Last Edit: April 16, 2019, 11:20:51 AM by Pete McVries »
My Journal

Seven months clean and counting...

Pete McVries

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 378
    • View Profile
Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #68 on: April 17, 2019, 07:41:14 AM »
Day 102

N. is coming over again tonight and I'm excited. I'm contemplating getting more physical tonight. Probably, I'll start with a massage. I'm a novice in massaging but I bought a book about massaging even though I haven't had the time to read it yet. Perhaps, I'll skim through back and leg massages and then try to remember how to do it properly :D.

I also thought about talking about my precum problem with her. Tonight, we won't accidentally fall asleep in clothes again. So, I'll be in my boxers and most likely they'll be wet, so she'll definitely notice it. I don't feel comfortable to talk about the whole PMO addiction thing with her yet because I don't want to scare her away but maybe I'll just tell her that I stopped masturbating in the beginning of this year and that I'm very sexually sensitive because of that and attracted to her hence all the precum. The idea doesn't make me feel comfortable but I think it's the best way. I think I need to adress it. She also does already know that I don't watch porn. So that wouldn't even be a lie and part of the noPMO/PMO addiction truth.

Also, I hope I can get a release tonight. Otherwise I fear that I'll have a wet dream while sleeping next to her. Ugh!

Wish me luck, brothers!
My Journal

Seven months clean and counting...

all_in_now

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 66
    • View Profile
Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #69 on: April 17, 2019, 05:03:25 PM »
Hey bro! Great to hear everything's going well :)

I don't really think the precum is a problem btw. I remember the last GF I had, the same would happen to me constantly, I think it's perfectly normal. She did not mind at all, and it's not like we can help it. Just give the sheets a wash and you're good to go XD

Man, after all you've been through this is great to hear. Once you get over the hump never look back, a PMO free life is a happy life.



all_in_now

Pete McVries

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 378
    • View Profile
Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #70 on: April 19, 2019, 01:09:43 PM »
Day 104

@all_in_now: Thanks for your comment. You are absolutely right. A big thank you for all your helpful input!

A lot of triggers ahead, read at your own risk!

So N. visited me for a sleepover two days ago. She arrived shortly before midnight because she was doing sports in the evening. When she arrived, she quickly sat by the window (her favorite place) and had a coffee. We were talking about different things and then we sat on my bed and continued talking for about an hour. After that, we were watching a movie while snuggling. When the movie ended, I turned off the TV and the snuggling intensified. I knew that I wanted to get more physical with her but I really struggled to do so. I'm lead by my head often times and not my heart, so I'm overcomplicating many things especially if I do them for the first time or do things after haven't been doing them for a long time. So, while I was caressing her back, my mind was racing how to take things to the next level. To make things worse, I started shaking uncontrollably. I know this feeling too well because I had it when I got intimate with E. for the first few times. Back then, she noticed it and even asked me if I was feeling cold because of my shivers. That made me even more self-conscious in the situation with N. and I thought to myself is it really happening again?

And because of my racing mind, I didn't even have a full erection even though I took 10mg of cialis beforehand. Initially, I planned on taking her hand and leading it gently into my pants. But I didn't want to do it because my erection wasn't full. So, then I proceeded to caress her belly for 1-2 minutes and then I thought to myself, you know, just take the risk, if she isn't into it, she will say something. Then, I opened her pants and started taking care of her clit with my left hand while she was still in my arms. To my astonishment, she was very wet which made me smile haha. And I troubled myself with the "precum problem"... She was moaning lightly and then I decided to finger her. She felt so good, really tight and I just thought to myself, man, I can't wait for the day to finally have sex with her. Her moaning increased noticeably so I continued to finger her instead of massaging her clit. After a while, I thought I had her really close to having an orgasm and then she started stimulating her own clit with her right hand for half a minute and helped me making her come. It was such a great feeling and I really could feel her having the orgasm, it was very intense.

Haha, I wanted to ask her right away if she really had an orgasm and how it was and stuff like that but I didn't want to appear needy or so, so we just continued cuddling. I then put her on top of me and started taking her sweatshirt and shirt off until she only had her bra on. I still had my jeans on and I really wanted to take it off but I didn't feel a full erection which made me self-conscious again so I decided to leave it on. Next, I decided to take her bra off because I wanted to see her boobs and this was also a critical situation because last time I tried to take off a bra, I wasn't able to do it and it made me feel so bad. But I managed to do it right away which was a great relief and what can I say, she has really nice boobs. Very firm, very beautiful, such a nice shape, I'm a happy man.

She started dry humping me and I kind of controlled her pelvis so that she was stimulating my dick. At one point, I was really close to having an orgasm so I told her to stop and I felt like I stopped right before the point of no return and I didn't dare to move. I was in this weird spot for about 10 seconds before I could feel the orgasm coming and man I exploded into the universe and back haha. One of the strongest and craziest orgasms I've ever had. She smiled at me and I looked at her very satisfied and after I while I told her that I think it's best to take a quick shower to which she laughingly agreed. Haha, when I got up I could barely walk because it was such a crazy orgasm. After the shower, I went back to bed and we continued cuddling and she fell asleep quickly.

In the morning, I was the first to wake up, so I started cuddling with her again which woke her up. We were caressing each other and this time, I could feel a full erection. So I took her hand and gently lead it into my boxers and she start pleasing me. She was very gentle, so I told her a few times that she really could make a tighter grip if she wanted to :D which she did. But I was very self-conscious again and I feared of losing my erection because the stimulus was very gentle. After a few minutes she managed to stimulate me better and I could focus on the sensation more instead of being trapped in my head. I came again and it felt sooo good. No comparision to PMO. Not even in the same ballpark. Completely different. PMO is like eating greasy fast food, you don't get replete, your stomach just gets full and all the fat and salt makes you crave more and more and the next day or after the meal you feel like shit. And doing it with a woman is like eating a wholegrain bread with vegetables and herbs and gives you energy for the whole day and you feel energized after eating it. Also, something I've noticed is that I've never ever moaned while PMOing but with N. I had to moan uncontrollably when I came because I was so overwhelmed by the feeling, I just couldn't help it. There is such a crazy difference. I also don't feel any chaser, there is not a single thought of MOing or even PMOing even though I remembered the night a few times with a smile on my face.

I'm so happy about the situation right now. She is sooo sexy, I can't believe it. She has such a banging body which I've not expected because she seems a bit inconspicuous and innocent but man, once her clothes are off, it takes my breath away! And the best of all, she is such a loving and caring person, a good listener just a person you really enjoy to be around.

I had the craziest thoughts before getting physical with her, it really shows how trapped I am in my head sometimes. I thought things like, maybe her belly is super ugly or her boobs are misshaped or if she has a clit dick and really fucked up shit like that. Like I don't deserve a sexy woman, or I don't know what's behind all this. I need to adress that with my therapist next week, I need to find a way to turn off my mind more effectively and just be present.

N. is visiting her family in her hometown during the Easter Days, so we are going to see each other on next week's wednesday or thursday. A lot of time to recuperate for me but I also miss her a bit already. I don't really feel in love but maybe I do? I don't know, all I can say is, that I really enjoy everything about her. She is a gem. I'm happy, I took the courage and necessary actions to make all this happen. Such a crazy past few weeks. It's almost unreal how much progress I've made during this short period of time. I'm very happy and thankful!

I will definitely try to have sex with her next week, hopefully everything will work out. I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to this moment, but I'm also a bit scared. But this is normal, I think.

Thanks again everyone! I just had the best night of this century two nights ago. I can't emphasize enough how happy I am at the moment. Smile on my face all day type of stuff. Life is good. Thank you!
My Journal

Seven months clean and counting...

Redfire03

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 178
    • View Profile
Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #71 on: April 21, 2019, 12:08:28 AM »
Keep it up man.

Edit_undo

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 147
    • View Profile
Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #72 on: April 21, 2019, 10:51:58 PM »
Glad things are working out for you Pete!



 ... I need to adress that with my therapist next week, I need to find a way to turn off my mind more effectively and just be present.


This is huge and I can relate. For me (and maybe others with PIED?) aside from the brain science and delta FOS b, and arousal that’s been jacked by superstimulus for years, the struggle is to be able to focus on the current situation and tune out any other noise. Thankfully, due to neuroplasticity, I believe it is possible for us to get back to a healthy sexual arousal and focus on the moment.
Some people just have more active thoughts and it’s not related to any of the stuff I just mentioned, either way I hope you find a solution. You’re killing it man, keep at it.

Pete McVries

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 378
    • View Profile
Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #73 on: April 22, 2019, 02:42:47 AM »
Day 107

@Redfire03 & Edit_undo: Thanks for your comments guys! My therapist recommended me to start mindfulness meditation last week. She even lent me a book about it but I haven't had the time to delve into it so far. Will do it this week hopefully. I need to hammer it into my head that it is not about failure and success anymore but about being present and enjoying myself and her. But that's a huge task for me.

Apart from that, life is good. My diet is going well, I've already lost 1,5 kgs and I'm really trying to get back into the gym this week. And hopefully, I will be able to establish a steady gym routine (4x/week) again in the near future. I just have to be careful not to do too many things at once.

I miss N. and I'm looking forward to seeing her again on wednesday or thursday.

Thanks!
My Journal

Seven months clean and counting...

Redfire03

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 178
    • View Profile
Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #74 on: April 22, 2019, 06:13:31 AM »
Do yourself a 90 day challenge in the gym in a way. Shoot for 4 days a week. Its mental for sure may take a few weeks to get in the grove. But I promise if you go and clear your head your body will change more than you can imagine.