Author Topic: The Dead Man Has Arisen  (Read 4246 times)

Pete McVries

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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #75 on: April 24, 2019, 06:21:24 PM »
Day 109

@Redfire03: I need to start slow and then build momentum. I was a gym rat before I had my major life crisis, so I know what I'm doing ;). But thanks a lot for your input!

N. is going to visit me tomorrow evening. Her best friend lives in my neighbourhood which is a pretty funny coincidence when you consider that I live in a pretty big city. She is going to visit her friend first and then come around in the late evening. We'll see what happens. Today, I thought about maybe it's best to take things slow with her. Of course, I want to and I will be intimate with her but maybe I shouldn't aim to have intercourse with her. Perhaps it's putting too much pressure on my shoulders yet. Maybe, I should just focus on making sure she's having a good time and enjoying myself. We'll see. I even thought about telling her that I'm not ready yet. She at least knows that I haven't had any sex in the past 3 1/2 years (if only she knew the whole truth :-X), so she'll most likely understand. Hmm. Exciting and scary at the same time.
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Pete McVries

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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #76 on: April 26, 2019, 11:38:06 AM »
Day 111 repdigit!

N. just left. I'm gaining a lot more confidence. Three Os for both of us during last night and today's morning. No intercourse so far but we are getting there. I managed to stay out of my head and just enjoyed the moment. It's getting better and better. N. is very affectionate which make things easy for me. I feel very comfortable around her. We'll see what happens next. My therapist advised me not to confide N. about my porn past. She said, it's too much information at once and puts me at risk of losing her. For now, I agree. I just fear that if I failed to get an erection when wanting to have intercourse that I need to explain myself. My therapist said that I shouldn't worry as long as N. is satisfied. Perhaps, I won't fail at all. Also, I feared of having PE but there are no signs of having PE at all which I'm super happy about. Things are looking up. I feel like I'm rebooting and rewiring by the book and everything falls into place.
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Redfire03

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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #77 on: April 26, 2019, 12:37:27 PM »
During the time you had with N... did you get a erection at any time?

Pete McVries

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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #78 on: April 27, 2019, 12:18:12 AM »
Day 112

Haha, Redfire03, I had many full erections ;D. As I said, I had three orgasms that night (two from handjobs, one from dry humping). Even before N. arrived at my place, I had a full erection just from the anticipation of seeing her. I gained a lot of confidence that night because I think my erections are now strong enough to have intercourse. And my performance anxiety is also decreasing a lot because I experience that my dick is working just fine and N. is very affectionate, loving and caring. I'm a 100% sure that intercourse would be no problem at all if I didn't have to use protection. That's the critical moment, being stimulated until I have a full erection and then putting on a condom without the erection to fade. That will be a true test. But I'm able to make her orgasm almost effortlessly, so I'll keep her being satisfied (I don't mean to brag, I'm just astonished how regularly I - the guy who didn't see any vaginas in more than 10 years in person - can make her orgasm in what seems like just a few minutes).

I hope you guys are having a great weekend! Stick to the program, it seems to work to good effect (at least for me!)
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Pete McVries

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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #79 on: April 29, 2019, 12:30:48 PM »
Day 114

N. slept at my place again two days ago. Again, no intercourse but a handjob. Now I feel comfortable, I think, with the idea of having intercourse. So far, I haven't had any problem with my erections. Also no DE or PE.

I guess, she'll sleep at my place again on thursday or on the weekend at the latest. I'll try to have sex with her then. I'll keep you guys posted!
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Redfire03

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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #80 on: April 29, 2019, 12:53:19 PM »
As long as you dont lose erections without stimulation I would say go for it. I hope it works out for you. But dont even think about the issue live in the moment and hope for the best.

KittyHawk

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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #81 on: April 29, 2019, 07:49:51 PM »
Pete: You are killing it! I am so happy for you.
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

Pete McVries

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The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #82 on: May 05, 2019, 08:41:38 PM »
Day 120

N. slept at my place again last night. We had sex twice that night and once in the morning. It worked like a charm. My erections were not ultra strong but quite good enough to penetrate without any problem. They felt healthy. No PIED, no DE, and no PE, which quite suprised me because in my PMO days, I had to be very gentle with myself in order not to orgasm within seconds with a half ass erection... I can't get my head around it yet. 120 days in and it seems like my twelve year long severe PIED has completely vanished. I used 10mg again of cialis but tbh, I don't think I need it. I'll keep using it until my pills deplete because I don't feel any side effects at all. Great medicine soooo much better than viagra. Even if it's the cialis which makes it possible for me to have sex, then so be it. Also, my refractory period was super short. After the first round, I kept stimulating N. with my hand and about 5-8 minutes later, I was already good to go again which I did. The crazy thing is, she came while I was penetrating her because I could go for quite some time the second round. It felt incredible. She was losing her mind, while I was on top of her. Man, what a feeling... 8). You guys know me, I'm no stud... I assume that she rather climaxes easily which is good for me, but then again it takes two to tango ;D.

I was very amazed that I had no performance anxiety at all. I don't know what it is but the reboot has given me so much confidence that I just did the damn deed. Thrice. I carried so much fear around that my erections would fade while putting on the condom but when I was doing it, it worked perfectly and there was no fear at all. There was no rush, my erections stayed, both of us were very relaxed we were lauging, joking, and smiling, I felt so comfortable. In the morning, I failed to put on the initial condom because I tried to put it on with the wrong side. Again, I didn't panic. I took her hand and indicated her to stimulate me while I was reaching for the next condom and then it worked without any complications. No anxiety, no panic, no bad feelings, no shame, no pressure to perform, no fear of looking like a fool. Also, I wasn't in my head at all for a single second. That's so weird. I felt like I was totally experienced like I had been doing it all my life which, of course, I haven't. But it FELT like it. I can't explain it better.

And hanging out with her is soooo nice. I showed her my favourite MMA fights, we watched two of my favourite movies, we played some couch coop games, we talked about various broad topics, we cooked together, we snuggled together and I even had to show her my Magic The Gathering collection (Yes, I'm white and nerdy ;D) because she spotted it by accident (I wasn't hiding it). So, I showed her some of my favourite and most expensive cards and she was impressed by all the different artworks and I quickly tried to explain her some basic rules.

I don't know, I don't see any red flags... At first, I didn't want a relationship but now I think, it's the only logical thing to do. I sure as hell wouldn't want her to date any other guys and I don't intend to date any other girls. Good thing is, she is not forcing a relationship as of yet. We're just spending time with each other and enjoying each other. That's how it should be, shouldn't it?

And the crazy thing is, I'm not euphoric or super happy about it all. Sure, I feel happy, but more content, like I feel at peace with myself, all of it just feels RIGHT. Maybe, I need more time to process all of it and all the progress I've made in the past few weeks and months. Not too long ago, I firmly believed that I would remain unfucked in this decade but I guess I turned the tide over the final meters. Sometimes, you gotta surprise yourself ;D

What a crazy ride. A thousand genuine acknowledgements to all the participants in this thread and to all the good folks who helped me along the way. And to all the lurkers, rebooting, beating PIED and regaining sexual health is entirely possible. Of course, I'm not fully recovered yet, at least that's what I assume, but having sex, being a healthy sexual being seems possible again. Kein halber Mensch mehr...

In einer Nacht über ein ganzes Leben nachgedacht...
« Last Edit: May 05, 2019, 08:47:29 PM by Pete McVries »
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Pete McVries

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #83 on: May 07, 2019, 06:29:14 PM »
Day 122

N. left my place about an hour ago. Mixed results today. The first attempt worked like a charm. When she is on top of me, I have no problem entering her. The second attempt, we tried having sex in missionary but I struggled with the angle and then lost my erection in the process. Even with putting a pillow under her butt. She wasn't upset at all but I was really ruffled for an hour or two but I didn't show it. It just brings back old and all too familiar feelings and memories I really don't want to face anymore. This was hours ago and I calmed down again. All good. So many positive things happened in the past few weeks, it's just a bump in the road and I had three orgasms on saturday/sunday and one today, I'm not a breeding bull... Most likely, I'll see her again on saturday, so enough time to recuperate.

Take care, everybody!
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Redfire03

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #84 on: May 07, 2019, 08:58:08 PM »
Make sure you try to focus on 4 play and working up your sexual energy. Remember that erection should not go away with position change. That because your still desensitized, you need to rebuild that void to where your so turned on that it works off emotions not feeling of touch. Keep it up man.

Pete McVries

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #85 on: May 08, 2019, 01:43:26 PM »
Day 123

@Redfire03, thanks for your comment!

We always have a long and extensive foreplay. She's always very wet, when I enter her. As I said, the first round was successful without any complications. After I came, I started stimulating her and after ~10-15 minutes I was hard again. But I had problems entering her in the missionary position. I thought, I was inside her, it felt like it, but she made some weird facial expressions and told me I wasn't inside her ;D. So I tried again and in the process, my erection faded. End of Story. Again, the first try was without any complications. She was on top of me and that position works really well.

Worthwile information: Last night, I dreamed that I had a wet dream (which I didn't) and I dreamed of the idea of watching porn.
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Redfire03

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #86 on: May 08, 2019, 05:29:26 PM »
Are you still taking pills?

Pete McVries

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #87 on: May 08, 2019, 06:54:30 PM »
Yeah, when she is about to visit me or is going to sleep at my place, I take 10mg of cialis. But to be honest, I don't think I need them. But at the moment, I feel more safe using them. When I first met her and when I hadn't taken any pills I was popping strong boners, too. Also during the week, I sometimes remember the stuff we have been doing the last times we met and then I get full erections too for a few minutes. I assume that cialis helps mostly with my performance anxiety.
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ddmmyyyy

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #88 on: May 10, 2019, 03:09:51 AM »
Hey Pete, thanks for your interesting and entertaining journal! I have been in silent mode for the past months, but I have been following your journey on here from the beginning. Always looking forward to your updates. You have great insights and I like your lighthearted way of writing. Besides you are killing it with your success in every way!!
As a man I usually don't talk too much with friends about romantic encounters. But following on here how peoples love-interests develop is quite fun :)

Considering your recent problem with missionary, I wouldn't worry about that. It's great if you can go for another round immediately. But it's pretty normal to need some more time between the action. We are not 18 anymore ;)
Interestingly it seems to be the opposite for me - missionary always works best. When the girl is on top of me I have mixed results and always feel less hard. The worst is getting a handjob. Then my erection usually fade quickly. Wondering whats the reason for this. Maybe its a subconscious thing, that I feel safe when I am in control of everything (on top) and I get nervous when I am not. Starting to get scared of failing when I am passively receiving. Then it might be the oppoite for you? That you work better when you can relax and you get nervous when you are in control and feel like you have to deliver? Just a thought.

With 120+ days under your belt already you are in a different league compared to myself with a max of 47days ;) Nevertheless - don't let your guard down. Especially with that recent dream about porn. When I had sex with my new girlfriend for the first few times half a year ago, I felt sure I would never go back to porn, because the sex was SO much better! Still, after some time it happend. And it continues to happen - rarely but regularly. Usually after an intense weekend with great sex. The chaser effect is really tough for me.
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Pete McVries

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #89 on: May 10, 2019, 02:14:25 PM »
Day 125

Hi ddmmyyyy,

thanks for your heartwarming message! I'm looking forward to you reviving your journal. I'll take my time to read it when I have more time at hands (~beginning of next week).

The problem with missionary is more a 'mechanical' problem than a psychological one, I think. Entering her, has been easier in cowgirl position. But then again, it was always in the first round, so my erections were naturally stronger, I guess. Also, if I didn't have to put on a condom, I'm almost a 100% sure, I wouldn't have any problems at all... She is going to visit me tomorrow, so maybe, I should try missionary on the first try?! I liked missionary better from a f*cking perspective ;D because I had more control as you said. I'm dying to try taking her from behind but I'm not sure, if she's comfortable with it. This is all so new to me and I feel like a kid locked in over night in a toy store ;)

Interestingly, handjobs work best for me. I suggest, this is because my brain/penis knows the stimulus from years of PMOing. Having sex is a more unfamiliar experience.

Thanks for your words of warning. Oddly enough, I haven't had any chasers so far except from last Tuesday where I lost my erection the second round. After she had left, I felt like I still had some to give, so to say. An hour before she left, I even thought about initiating another round but I didn't want to push my luck... Also, I feel like if I was to relapse, I would relapse to MO and not to PMO. Even though I dreamed about porn, it wasn't an explicit dream. There weren't any 'flashing' images, it was more like having the feeling of watching porn or the idea of watching porn. It's very hard to describe, like dreams are most of the times...
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ddmmyyyy

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #90 on: May 12, 2019, 04:13:31 AM »
Ah, I see - no need to overanalyze then!
You could try missionary first or move from cowgirl to missionary at one point, just go with the flow. I think you will have enough time to explore different things and positions in the upcoming weeks  :D
Considering condoms - I always had problems in the past with condoms slipping off or not sitting tight when I was not completely hard. And that led to getting totally soft most of the time... I switched condoms half a year ago and the new ones work perfectly for me now. Let me know if you want more information about that, although there is no way to know if they work for you as well of course...
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Pete McVries

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #91 on: May 14, 2019, 10:22:31 PM »
Day 130

Thanks for your input, ddmmyyy!

The condoms I have work perfectly fine but there is a plot twist incoming ;). So N. visited me again during the weekend and slept at my place from saturday to sunday and from sunday to monday. We had sex once in the night from saturday to sunday and once on sunday afternoon. But first things first. She arrived at my place and I was really happy to see her. Did I mention, that I don't have a picture of her? She does not have any social media accounts and her whatsApp profile is without a picture. Therefore, I cannot look at her when she is not around me. Thus, I am always totally happy the first few seconds when I see her again. I would be glad if she would give me a picture of her but on the other hand not having a picture of her keeps the tension and anticipation high for me which is a good thing, I feel.

Anyways, when she arrived I told her I had found a fun game and that I wanted her to try it (it's called "Islanders" if anyone is interested...). I had only played it the night before and for only half an hour, so I was not very experienced. But I had a lot of fun and knowing her a bit by now, I was sure, she would enjoy it. And before I continue recapitulating the weekend, I want to mention that the main thing I appreciate about her character is that she is so open minded and that she has such a broad horizon. She doesn't play computer games in her leisure time but I do from time to time (not as much as I used to do anymore) but when I asked her to play the game, she didn't hesitate for a single second and tried it right away. I own a steam link, therefore I can stream my computer signals on my big tv, so she could play it whle lying on my bed.

It was so interesting watching her play the game because her playstyle was so different to mine. She was so much more calculating her every move, carefully figuring out how to be as efficient and successful as possible. Whereas I played it more driven by my gut feelings and thus a lot faster. In the end, I was very impressed that she managed to achieve a higher score on her first try than I did. And I was so happy, that she had so much fun, it just made me happy that I'm able to share activities with her. She was lying on her belly while I was next to her leaning against the wall with my back up the wall. Her butt was in arm's reach so I started caressing her behind for quite some time and to be honest, it felt sooo good. I had a massive boner for at least 10 minutes straight. I'm mentioning this because I should have grabbed her in that moment and should have started initiating sex. But I'm still learning as I go, so all good.

After about an hour of her playing and me enjoying her legs and butt, we became hungry and ordered some sushi (there is a really good joint in my neighbourhood). It was the first time for me eating sushi because I hate fish and I always thought, all rolls always contained fish, But we ordered a lot of different maki rolls with different vegetables. She loves sushi, so she educated me about all the different rolls and ingredients and I quite liked it. This will not be the last time for me eating sushi.

Afterwards we went back to bed and I started kissing and stroking her. After some time, I put her on top of me and we were taking off our clothes. Before undressing her pants, I asked her about her pill alarm. Everytime she visited me, her smartphone rang at 10 pm. A week ago or so, I asked her what the alarm was for and she briefly told me that it is to remind her of taking her pill. Because she was not telling me what pill she was taking, I did not ask again what pill it was. So when she was on top of me I asked her if the pill she was taking at 10 pm every day was the birth control pill to which she laughingly answered that I was right on the money and she wondered what I was thinking what else it could be (like if it's the most common thing in the world... ::)).

Alright... No more condoms for good ol' Pete ;D. Please give me some input, if you would continue using condoms or not, if you were in my shoes! I've seen her taking her pills, so I'm sure, she won't get pregnant. I thought about her and her character for a moment and I came to the conclusion that she is not the type of girl to have a different guy every other week and letting him have sex with her unprotected... But to be honest, I do not know and it would not be the first time that she has surprised me. Maybe, I should ask her next time?!

To be honest, the prospect of not having to use a condom made me really horny. So I tried to enter her right away but she wasn't wet enough yet so we continued foreplay for a few more minutes. And this is also a moment I would like to talk about. I took cialis beforehand but as I wrote before, I have a feeling that the pills don't do much for me because my ED is caused in my brain not by my blood flow. And even though I have had successful sex for a few times now, I still do not feel slick. It's still special for me and the moment when I enter her for the first time is always a moment of tension for me. Also during foreplay, I'm always focussing very much on my erection, whether or not I'm hard enough to enter her or not. And every little bump in the road can derail my erection. And that's what happened in that moment. I tried entering her but it felt uncomfortable for me and her, so we decided to delay the penetration for a few moments until she was wet enough and my erection faded brutally. I almost panicked but fortunately my erection slowly came back and after a few minutes she was wet enough and I was hard enough for penetration. And after entering her, I can relax and enjoy it but before that, it is rather stressful for me.

I conclude, that my ED is a mix of PIED and performance anxiety. Anyways, the sex was great and not using condoms feels sooo much better for me (and her as well, I asked her about it afterwards). My orgasm was really strong and long-lasting and I  noticed that she quite liked it maybe even was flattered by it. We snuggled afterwards and had a great and very intimate conversation that lasted until 10 am. We really talked for hours and it was the best talk we had to date. I think we took a big step in the direction to become a couple, to have a real relationship. The thought scared me a few weeks ago but now I feel comfortable about it. And I think, it's what I want. I feel so comfortable in her presence. I also asked her, if she likes the cowgirl position to which she agreed but she hesitated a bit to finish her sentence and then hinted that she likes other positions as well. I'm quite sure she meant, that she likes it when I'm on top of her or in control maybe even dominating her a bit. That's something I'd like to do as well but cowgirl is my safe bet at the moment. I told her that I feel comfortable in that position and that I need to become comfortable again after such a long period of not having sex (she thinks it's about 3-4 years... if only she knew :-X). Also, I love being able to fondle a lot it that position. But I also told her that I really enjoy being intimate with her which she answered with affectionate kissing and caressing.

The next day we woke up in the afternoon because we stayed up so late (or early) and to my surprise she started hugging and caressing me a little more intense than usual. So this was the first time she was initiating sex. I satisfied her orally and with my fingers until she came. I wanted to penetrate her but my erection wasn't strong enough. So she started stimulating me with her hand until I felt hard enough. I was very hard because I was very close to having an orgasm, so I entered her and came after only a few strokes. She had to giggle but I didn't feel like she was making fun of me. It was more a flattered and being surprised giggle and because it was contagious I had to laugh and smile as well. Our chemistry is good! It's the first time I came too early and to be fair, she stimulated me for a few minutes before and handjobs are most stimulating for me because it's a very familiar stimulus for me.

We had a very hearty breakfast (at 6pm ;D) and then went back to bed. I asked her if she wanted to watch last night's UFC event which we did. Again, it's mind-boggling to me how much depth she has. She has literally zero points of contact with Martial Arts but we watched the whole event for a good two and a half hours and she was genuinely interested in the fights and asked a lot of reasonable questions. Characterwise she is close to a 10/10 as far as I can tell after spending quite some time with her. She is no supermodel (but neither am I) but she is definitely very cute, absolutely my type and her body is made to melt away. I should really consider myself lucky. The thing I have with her is really promising. It really is...

She slept again at my place even though she had to get up really early on monday to go to work and I really didn't mind at all.

I have a question for all the guys with a girlfriend/wife: Did you talk about having a relationship with your SO when your relationship started? I somehow feel the need to talk about it. We're already acting like we are a couple but we haven't talked about it. And I feel we won't talk about anytime soon, if I don't initiate the convo about it. I sometimes imagine ourselves meeting someone she knows or I know in public and I fear the question if we are a couple. What should she or I answer then if we have not talked about it beforehand?!

Long post, but I had to get some things off my chest. As always, any input is welcome!

Thanks!
« Last Edit: May 14, 2019, 10:40:26 PM by Pete McVries »
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K-Dot

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #92 on: May 16, 2019, 01:15:24 PM »
If you ask me about relationship talk with her, honestly, I wouldn't mention it, I would let her bring it up

kenny

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #93 on: May 17, 2019, 03:08:11 PM »
Man!  Sounds like a really fantastic connection that you are having with her. That is great!
I agree with the other guy's statement. I would just keep going with the flow, and if someone asked if you two are a couple etc.. I would just say "her and I have an awesome connection". Can't lose that way because it's true, and then you are not labelling it.
It's great to hear about a connection being made like this, and you should continue to enjoy it and have fun. 
Also continue to stay far away from any P.   Let that brain continue to reset.

Pete McVries

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #94 on: May 23, 2019, 07:23:13 PM »
Day 139

@kenny & K-Dot: Thanks for your input. I won't bring it up for now. And that's a great advice, kenny, I'll phrase something like this if we should ever being asked about it!

Long overdue update. N. slept at my place again from saturday to monday. One intercourse and 2 HJs. We had sex on saturday and again I came super quickly. At least I was able to laugh about it. She asked me why I was laughing and I told her that I'm bugged that I came way too early. She answered that it was still very pleasant. I think, I identified the problem. It's not that I have PE but I'm not confident in my erections yet. So I generally wait too long to enter her. When I'm close to orgasm, I feel that my erection is strong enough but I suspect my erections are strong enough way earlier. I have to find the right balance. It's still a learning process for me... She gave me a handjob on sunday and on monday and my erections were strong and I only came after about 10 minutes. So, no PE...

I'll see her again tomorrow. We are going to play a few hours of table tennis in the sun as we did last saturday. It's funny, she plays tennis in a club and is a good table tennis player but I won 3 of 4 sets and thus won the match. I downplayed my skill beforehand... ;D. I'm far from being a pro but I have a great feel for the ball as I played many different forms of sports in clubs as child and teenager (football, handball, tennis, basketball, track and field, and I even own a license for playing on golf courses which you need in my country...). To be honest, I had a blast playing against and with her. It also showed me more of her character. She was really determined to win without taking it far too seriously. I really liked it because I'm cast in the same mold and I play to win without being a sore loser. But when I play, even mundane stuff like cards or so, I always want to win. She was also impressed by my agility and swiftness ("How were you able to get that ball?!"). As you might know, I'm slightly overweight coming out of my depression but I have been athletic all my life so my skills are still there. It's just that I carry a 10kg fat suit around at the moment (for workout purposes only of course ;)).

My sister and little nephew are in town for a visit. I really enjoy the time with them. During my depression it was really hard to deal with my nephew because he has sooo much energy and being depressed as fuck, I simply couldn't keep up. Ten minutes of playing with him was so so tiresome. But now, it's effortless again and I just enjoy the time with him and bonding with him. He is quite the character and he is a real teaser... just like his uncle ;D. Tomorrow, my little brother and me will give him a late easter basket as a present from the Easter Bunny. Haha, we will tell him, the Easter Bunny has left it at our place for him ;D. I found some really cool presents. It's tradition to give children baskets with chocolate eggs and stuff like that but I found some eggs which you have to crack with a little chisel and in each egg, there is a little dinosaur. I think he will have a ball :).

I also opened up to my older sister about my PMO addiction and my PIED. She was very understanding and compassionate. At the end, she even shed a few tears . I knew this would happen, I know my sister too well... ;). But we had a great talk and I feel that we elevated our relationship to the next level. She also told me a lot of private stuff of her own. It's funny, EVERYONE whom I opened up to about my PMO addiction did this. In a way, it's cool to see... She also told me that she suspected I was simply relationship-phobic but it all made sense to her now. Furthermore, it made sense to her that I had such a bad self-confidence all these years despite being a good-looking and intelligent guy (her words).

Initially, I wanted to write about my old porn fetish after having a talk with kenny in his journal but I'm gonna postpone it. But I will adress it at some point and I will elaborately dissect it. Over the years, I already found some possible explanations why I ended up having this fetish. As far as I'm concerned it's a quite popular fetish and not considered weird but I always knew that I didn't have this fetish inherently and I always wondered why I ended up watching this "genre" almost exclusively during the last years of my active porn career. I have my ideas and I'll share them with you and invite all of you to chime in. Perhaps, I'll even open a thread about it in the porn addiction section because I'd like to get to the bottom of it. Sorry for all the teasing but I won't label the fetish as of now. But I'm extremely happy to report that my porn fetish is non existent at the moment. I haven't fantasized about it for what feels like an eternity. And never thought about it when being with N. even though part of what the fetish consists of happend in bed with N. but it came naturally and it didn't give me an additional kick or reminded me of porn. I can't tell you how happy I am about that.

Have a good one!
« Last Edit: May 23, 2019, 07:25:10 PM by Pete McVries »
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BootLoader

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #95 on: May 24, 2019, 02:11:54 PM »
Quote
But I'm extremely happy to report that my porn fetish is non existent at the moment. I haven't fantasized about it for what feels like an eternity. And never thought about it when being with N. even though part of what the fetish consists of happend in bed with N.
This is happening almost 99% of time in most porn addicts. I had a fetish (not something special) too but after my first reboot I ended up. I can't believe that I liked this kind of stuff. My best fetish now is vanilla sex... lol!
Quote
but it came naturally and it didn't give me an additional kick or reminded me of porn. I can't tell you how happy I am about that.
Yeah... because porn has nothing to do with reality and sex with a partner... They are complete different things. As Gary Wilson has said, "it is like you are training for soccer but you are going to play basketball".
Keep it up you are inspiring a lot of rebooters.
Porn turns a man into a scared boy.
"5-5-2016" The day I realized Ι was a PMO addict.

Pete McVries

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #96 on: May 27, 2019, 08:33:51 PM »
Day 143

Hey BootLoader, thanks for stopping by and the warm words!

It's true, my fetish is vanishing more and more. But it's still in the back of my mind which is the main reason I won't adress it for now because I want to let the sleeping dogs lie. When I thought about my PMO fetish when I was writing my last posts, memories started crawling back and I recalled my favorite scenes and stuff like that, so I decided to not to write about it. But the time will come, there is no hurry! I'm very happy to hear, that your PMO fetish doesn't bother you anymore too. When I think about it, I guess that dating N. has helped me tremendously in rewiring my sexuality back to normal. It's crazy, I'm so attracted to her. Just touching her silky-soft body gives me full boners. Sometimes just looking at her is enough to get hard. It makes me happy, when I lie in bed and she scampers around my flat in underwear, it's a sight to behold and I never tire of admiring her. The weekend before last weekend when she slept at my flat for two consecutive nights, every night I vividly dreamed about having sex with her (in a healthy but exciting way) even though I had an orgasm with her before going to sleep. When you consider that I haven't dreamed about any girl I know in such a way for more than 10 years, it's extremely remarkable in my mind.

And that's just talking about her appearance but what I really value is her character. She is very thoughtful, caring, funny, prejudice-free, and naughty at the right times. The weekend before last weekend when she was giving me a handjob, she was slowing down at times and even stopping sometimes while we were kissing. And it drove me crazy ;D. So I told her that she was having me on the hook to which she, innocent as a lamb, ironically answered what makes me think that :P...

Last friday, when we had a date to play table tennis, to my surprise her best friend was also at the meeting point. It wasn't planned and her friend lives just down the street so they shortly met by chance before I joined up with them. During my depression, my social anxiety was through the roof and it isn't completely gone yet but it has improved dramatically during the last few months. So, it wasn't a problem at all for me and we had a nice time. I had to leave after three hours of playing because I had another date with my sister and my little nephew. A few minutes after I had left them, she sent me a message and enquired about meeting her best friend and if it had been ok for me. Knowing about my situation, she also apologized for "the ambush" and explained that it wasn't planned that way. But it was really no problem for me which I told her and I actually enjoyed meeting her best friend. But the point is that it shows you how caring and attentive she is. It's truly a joy to spend time with her.

And from sunday to monday, she slept at my place. She arrived late in the evening because I had lunch at my family's place before, so I was simply busy before. When she arrived, we went to have dinner and back home we were discussing the recent European election. After that she suggested to play a card game which she brought which we did. It's a cooperative game in which you play against the game and apparently it's not that easy to win but we managed to do so which made her happy and I had a good time as well. I caught myself at times looking at her while she was planning her moves just thinking how cute she is. Time flew by so we went to sleep without having sex because we had to get up very early on monday but the snuggling was really nice. I love to pet her and she likes being caressed. Lock and key model ;). I think, I'm falling in love with her. There, I said it...

It's just that I think about her a lot when she isn't around and I really enjoy the time with her. Let me tell you, it's almost like a new feeling for me. I bet many of you can relate to not being able to fall in love while living a PMO lifestyle. Yeah, there have been women I have been attracted to but being lovestruck or feeling like I'm in love hasn't happened to me in almost 10 years. Insanity...

So many incredibly good things have happened to me in the past few months. But I've also put in the work, it's not like fortune fell into my lap. Needless to say, I have had the help of great people supporting me all along and for that I'm supremely thankful. I continue to stay humble and I try my best to give back if I can be of any help.

I also want to note that I had so much fun with my little nephew. He turned four years old a few months ago and because of the fact that he is living in another city, I don't see him all too often. During my three year long depression, communicating and interacting with him was so tiresome to the point to where I actively avoided it. Not because I didn't like him (I love him dearly, he is a great kid) but because I simply couldn't keep up with him. He is such an energetic child and often when I was playing with him he complained to me that I wasn't playing in the right way. It was so stressful for me. But it's all gone now. I was so happy to see him and I played with him for hours on end without getting tired and I honestly had a great time. It was such a pleasure. And the best thing was that the day before my sister and my nephew had to leave, he was sadly complaining to my sister that it is really unfair that my younger brother and me are only my sister's brothers and not his too ;D. So we had to explain to him that uncles practically are like older brothers and that it's all good... :D

I'm clean for five months in a week :)
« Last Edit: May 27, 2019, 08:45:29 PM by Pete McVries »
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zazen

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #97 on: May 29, 2019, 03:47:54 PM »
what a great update!.. and what a journey you've been through to get here, much respect!
this post makes me really happy for you. to read a person going through all that hardship, but keeps on going, and eventually odds turns in his favour! very inspiring.


Pete McVries

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #98 on: June 07, 2019, 07:27:17 AM »
Day 153

@zazen: Thanks for your kind words!

Three days ago, I achieved to abstain from PMO for five months. I wanted to write a post that day but I'm very busy at the moment. But staying clean for five months is a huge milestone and what a crazy journey it has been. And Gabe Deem made my day when he was congratulating me on YBR for it 8).

Last night, I had a pretty crazy and ultra realistic nightmare about relapsing and all the consequences. Knowing myself and my dreams a bit, I think it was caused by reading PE_30's post about his recent relapses. No kidding! I'll write about it in greater detail tonight or tomorrow!

Take care everybody!
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Pete McVries

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Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« Reply #99 on: June 13, 2019, 08:21:54 AM »
Day 159

Finally I got some more time to update my journal. Interestingly, I don't feel the need to post that often anymore but I still want to continue doing it either whenever I feel the need to do so or at least in a quite regular frequency (once per week) because it has definitely benfited me. It's just that I was very busy the last two weeks.

First things first. The dream about PMO. It was a really bad nightmare. There were a lot of very explicit flashing pornographic images. They were shocking and comical at the same time. Porn is comical in a way a lot of times because it is sooo staged. So these shocking and comical images were flashing left and right and I just stood there being paralyzed. And then, my life started spiraling down. My depression came back full force, my ED returned, everything became dark again, it was horrible. A writing on the wall...

Often times my dreams are extremely intense and feel real. It's a blessing and a curse. I'm strongly connected to the shadow realm. My dreams are so acute that I mistake my dreams for memories sometimes. A few days ago, I remembered that I typed in a porn tube url but I can't really recall having done that. So, I'm baffled if I have really done it or just dreamed about it.

I was sleepwalking regularly as a child and sometimes still do. Last winter, one night I woke up in the staircase of the apartment complex I'm living in. Just with my boxers on and a racing heart and the firm belief that I had locked myself out of my flat. It was really cold and there was a lot of snow outside but I pondered about walking to my parents' house barefooted (it's a 30 minutes walk). Luckily, I decided to check my door and it was only ajar. The next morning, when I woke up, I thought it was only a dream but I found a cardboard next to my door that I had collected from the basement because I thought it would help me break open my door (wtf...). So it was real. When I was 10, I sleepwalked and fell out of my window on the balcony one story down and broke my right wrist. I easily could have died that day breakig my neck but I landed on a plastic chair which bursted asunder into a thousand pieces. There must be a guardian angel watching over me.

With N., everything is going fine. But sometimes it's weird. On some days, I find her super cute and can't get enough of her and on other days, I ruminate if she really meets my standards. I haven't found out yet why this is happening. I concluded that I want to stay level-headed. Figuratively speaking, I come from absolute hell and now I have regular sex with a really cute girl (who has her 'flaws' like every human being), who has such a lovely character and I really enjoy spending time with her. Perspective... Just because I have slept with her, it doesn't mean I have to spend the rest of my life with her. But for now, she is a close companion I don't want to miss.

Regarding the sex, two days ago she gave me a handjob without me having taking cialis beforehand. My erection was a 100%. We were cuddling and taking a short afternoon nap and for like 30 minutes straight, I had the strongest erection just because she was lying in my arms. As I suggested, I don't think the cialis does anything for me besides helping me to relax more.

I want to step up my 'sex game' a bit but I have been playing it safe so far. But I'm slowly but steadily getting more and more confident. We only had sex in missionary and cowgirl so far but I really would love to take her from behind but I haven't done it ever, so I didn't try it so far. But that's on my bucket list. And I haven't had the pleasure to be orally taken care of by her. I would love her to give me a BJ but BJs were a traumatizing thing for me because countless times, girls have sucked my limp dick in my PIED days and that was the worst feeling ever. Also, as I mentioned before, she really never initiates things like that, so I would have to ask her to give me a BJ which feels weird but I think it's the only way. I don't want to be so clumsy and push her head down... But even the 'vanilla sex' is great. She feels really good and I'm able to make her orgasm regularly. As I said, I suspect she comes rather easily which is good for me.

Sometimes, I get short burts of urges. Like thoughts, look up this and that, you are in a safe place now and so on and so forth. But for now, I'm able to nip these thoughts in the bud. And that's critical, I believe. I can't afford to let these thoughts flourish or act out... The worst mistakes are being done while succeeding... 

I have a porn blocker and it works for me but it isn't failproof. For example, it blocks most of all popular porn sites but google image search isn't blocked. Some lesser known porn sites are also not blocked. Reddit's NSFW subs aren't blocked either.

It's funny. I came to the conclusion that we learned the ways how to act out or in which way we act out. I'm a huge MMA nerd and reddit's MMA sub is one of the best MMA sources you can find. About four months ago, I was reading a heated discussions between two guys and then the one guy talked down on the other guy because he had looked at his profile and the other guy had subscribed some porn subs. That was an aha moment for me. I made the mistake to look for porn subs on reddit which I had never ever done before. Please don't repeat my mistake but there were some very very promising findings for my fetish. Things, I didn't even know that existed. I looked really briefly at some short clips before snapping out. The next day, I did the same thing. The day after that, I manually blocked reddit via my blocking software and haven't gone back ever since. I can't even access the MMA sub anymore which is a loss for me but a necessary evil. To draw the arc: My addicted brain has now learned that reddit has porn that it would love to indulge in, therefore I can't use reddit anymore. Almost the same thing happened with torrents. Yes, I'm a pirate but I have never torrented porn. Months ago, I was reading a journal from a guy in the 40s section. He wrote about torrenting porn. So, I went to a torrent search and typed in a few words. I got promising results. But this time, I was intelligent enough to not click on anything or even start a download. I KNOW that there are porn torrents out there but my addicted brain HASN'T LEARNED to use torrents for porn. That's why I can still use torrents without acting out. Know your enemy!

That's why peeking also always leads to relapses eventually. YOU NEED TO STOP PEEKING if you want to beat the addiction. YOU NEED TO UNLEARN IT OR BREAK THE HABIT. Whenever you feel the urge to peek, YOU HAVE TO STOP RIGHT iN ITS TRACKS!

Stray strong, brethren!
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