Author Topic: The Dead Man Has Arisen  (Read 4440 times)

Pete McVries

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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #25 on: March 09, 2019, 05:52:43 AM »
Day 62

I'm a total sissy when it comes to taking cold showers. Really, I'm not able to do it... So the solution will be taking shorter showers and that'll work, I think.

Yesterday, the struggle was real. The god damn chaser is real after having the wet dream. I managed to stay clean but man, I wanted to watch me some P last night... So, I'm definitely going to install a blocker in the upcoming days, I just need to gather a few more informations. Unfortunately, OpenDNS is off the table for me because I use a VPN at all times. Honestly, I wouldn't feel comfortable posting all these private informations without using a VPN. My provider and the government would have it very easy to access all these informations about me and that makes my tinfoil hat burn ;D. So, yeah, my VPN is much more important to me than OpenDNS. On YBR, there is a rebooter that highly recommends an app(?) called Freedom that works perfectly for him. I'm contemplating of getting it, too. It costs only 15$/year which is a bargain in my opinion (my VPN costs the same, it's called Cyberghost, I can highly recommend it, if anyone is interested). But I need to gather more informations. Will it work with my vpn and so on and so forth... Once, I got all the informations I need, I'm getting it and setting up a second safety door for me.

I need to stay elusive! (I wish, I had footwork like Dom 8))
« Last Edit: March 09, 2019, 06:10:32 AM by Pete McVries »
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KittyHawk

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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #26 on: March 09, 2019, 07:09:04 PM »
I've been thinking about the cold showers as well. But decided to wait for warmer weather. I don't want to catch a cold.... being sick at home was always a huge trigger for me. Sometimes I binged through the whole day of my flu to the extent I used to be worried that I might have done something to my heart that was already weakened by the flu.
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

Pete McVries

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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #27 on: March 13, 2019, 10:18:35 AM »
Day 67

I don't think you can really catch a cold by taking cold showers. As far as I know cold showers even strenghten your immune system. But I need to do a little more research. Maybe I need to contemplate implementing them somehow.

I started a 7 day trial of the app Freedom and so far I really like what I see. You can configure it so that you won't be able to disable it even the task manager won't be of help. I like it. The only thing missing is a Whitelist but I already contacted the support and they assured me that they are really working hard to implement it as soon as they can (in 1-3 months). You can get it for 20$/year, it's nonsense not to purchase it.

In other, more important news: I've been talking to my friends L. and M. about E. (my ex gf whom I haven't had contact with for 12 years or so). My friend M. told me to calm the fuck down because E. might be fat and racist by now ;D (how can you not love that guy...).

L. took a more spiritual and philosophical approach. He told me about Paulo Coelho's 'The Alchemist' (novel), a book that he has recently read. He compared me to the protagonist who, when reaching an oasis, meets the woman of his dreams (E. in that case) to whom he proposes marriage. She promises to do so only after he completes his journey. Frustrated at first, he later learns that true love will not stop nor must one sacrifice to it one's personal destiny, since to do so robs it of truth. And that's where I'm at. It took me more than ~12 years to finally find a way to navigate my journey into the right direction. And L. said, that maybe now it's time to head back to the oasis to meet her again. I really like that analogy and I think, I completely understood the message he tried to convey. Also, I must read 'The Alchemist' ASAP, it sounds like a novel full of wisdom. L. also stated that there is really nothing to lose for me as long as I am authentic and upright.

And he is totally right about this one. 3 years ago, when I was about 120 days PMO free, I started dating a fellow female student and it meant so much to me, not because I was in love or really liking the girl, but I was so afraid to fail and I wanted to succeed so badly that I partly exchanged my authenticity for an act.

Here is an example: We were having dinner in a restaurant (first date) and we both agreed beforehand that we would pay for ourselves at the end of the date. So, when we ordered the bill, I excused myself to the toilet. I didn't take a leak but I took out my smartphone and started calculating all my drinks and meals so that I exactly knew how much I would have to pay. I did this, because my date was a math student (a sexy one ;)) and I'm bad in math. You know, I don't have dyscalculia or so but math doesn't come naturally to me. To make things worse, I hate mental calculation because I'm not good at it and I would have to practise it regularly to be somewhat decent at it. And, in my mind, there are better ways to spend my time. Whenever I need to calculate something I use a calculator. Even for the most ridiculously easy calculuses. I just need to double check it because I don't trust myself when it comes to math. Call it a spleen or whatever but it is what it is. And it doesn't really annoy me because I know my strenghts are in other areas, so it's all good. But in this particular situation, I feared about being embarassed. What if she asked me to calculate and divide the bill? That would have been almost impossible for me. Anyone remember the times when you were in school and had to do something on the blackboard in front of the teacher and the whole class? I hated these kind of situations and almost always froze. And that's what would have happened to me in this specific situation, I'm a 100% certain of it. Completely driven by fear... So, the waitress arrived at our table with the bill and my date and me were "dividing" & "calculating" the bill and after a few seconds, while she was still calculating, I said I had to pay X amount of €uros and my date looked at me completely confused ;D. So, she took another long and close look at the bill and came to the conclusion that my "calculation" had been right. What a farce... :-[

Lesson learned. Next time, I will allow myself to be vulnerable, to be authentic and to just do me. I'm worthy of love, even if it takes me five minutes to calculate 1+1. In a more ideal scenario, I just could have taken the chance to make fun of myself in a comfortable way. Make the situation easy for her and me. It seems so absurdly simple in hindsight but at the time I wasn't ready for it. I wasn't ready for none of it. And it took me three fucking years to get back into a healthy mindset. What a crazy journey...

So, I also talked to my therapist about the whole situation with E. I explained the whole situation and I told her, that I was unsure about my motivation behind all this but I think, I want to contact her to give her some closure. And she was like "Mr. McVries, stop acting like an altruist, what is your actual motivation behind all this?" while giving me a quiet smile. To which I hesitantly replied "I think you just unmasked me...". She smiled at me warmly while I felt a little bit exposed but not uncomfortable. We sit in these very cozy armchairs and for some reason, I felt like leaning to my very left as far as I could because all kinds of emotions were hitting me and maybe that was my subconscious way of self regulating myself. Wie ein Schluck Wasser in der Kurve. And what did she do? She leaned to her very right, so we sat there like mirroring each other. If you know anything about reading body language, that was her way of establishing trust and comforting me. I don't know if she did it knowingly or if she is just a very gifted person when it comes to communicating & therapy (I think, it's a mix of both). A few minutes later, she said something very important to me while leaning forward to me and I instantly reacted by leaning forward to her, too. I recognized all this after leaving her because I always reflect on my sessions with her while walking home. It's a 30 min walk and the path leads through parks and nature and my mind is always very clear. I felt like sharing it with you guys, because I feel like I hit the therapy-lottery. Throughout my life, I've been to several therapists and she is by far, by a huge margin the best therapist, I've ever been to. She already has helped me immensly and I just felt like sharing this little anecdote because some of you may think about starting therapy. All I can say is, don't settle for the first therapist. While I started looking for a therapist a few months ago, I went to four different therapists for probatory sessions and I was extremly discontent with all these fools because they either wouldn't believe me, or tell me I was delusional and stuff like that. I kid you not. And my actual therapist was the last therapist on my list who had the capacities for new patients. So, I didn't expect anything at all but she turned out to be an absolute blessing. I'm super grateful for her and I'm actually very much looking forward to my weekly sessions with her because I learn so much about myself every time. It's also a big benefit for me that she is a woman whom I can talk to about my ED and my performance anxiety and stuff like that and she is very good at giving me female perspectives and making me feel better about myself. If you think, I'm rhapsodizing, you're probably right :)

Take care!
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15December18

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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #28 on: March 13, 2019, 05:14:08 PM »
I'm going to read that book, 'The Alchemist'. For so long I was obsessed with finding the girl who would complete me, my other half. I have a strong romantic streak as do I think. Now I have changed my mindset completely, and this is largely due to a relationship coach named Corey Wayne. His advice has helped me calm quite a lot.

I find cold showers very beneficial, I take one most days after a session in the sauna. I usually feel cleansed afterwards.

I thought that your segment about your therapy was nice. I have an interest in pyschoanalysis, especially the Jungian strain. This reboot has uncovered some underlying problems and has forced me to deal with them. Like any addiction, porn and masturbation simply hide the pain.

I hope you can keep learning about yourself and keep growing, there is always someway we can better ourselves. I respected what you said about being upright. I also aim to be moral and a force for good in the world, though my ambition doesn't always translate into reality.

In terms of the date with the mathematician. It's no harm to let a woman see your shortcomings, if you are honest about areas in which you fail I think they would appreciate that.

Keep on the right path man.

Edit_undo

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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #29 on: March 13, 2019, 09:06:29 PM »
My opinion on cold showers is they are beneficial. I can’t quite put my finger on it but they invigorate or heighten immunity. I usually just do a couple minutes of cold water at the end of a regular hot shower. That and not wasting my body’s resources MOing have been huge for me immunity-wise. I just caught my first cold last week, my family has been on and off with colds since the start of school last fall.

Pete, I’m very happy for you. It sounds like you have a great therapist, meaningful sessions and very personable. I have only had one experience with a therapist on an unrelated life experience, I didn’t think it was worth continuing. Keep at it, I agree you’re on the right path

Pete McVries

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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #30 on: March 16, 2019, 09:17:11 PM »
Thanks for contributing to my journey, guys! I may have to pick up cold showers but I'm such toe dipper when it comes to cold water ;D. Paradoxically, I like cold weather and don't feel cold easily.

Day 70

70 days. Wow, time passed by so quickly. To anybody starting and reading this, just stay clean and the time will literally fly. Which can be a good thing.

I gain more confidence by the day. I'm able to have small talk easily with other men, something I've never been good at. Just yesterday, I made three strangers laugh with a witty remark. Felt really good. And it wasn't forced at all, I was just observing the situation and commenting on it and somehow these three strangers found that very funny :D

I still didn't call E. and I thought about doing it tomorrow on sunday but now, I think I'm gonna postone it. Because, I contacted the 'sexy math student' called N. I wrote her a WhatsApp message and to my surprise the number was still active and she happily engaged in a conversation. So since two days ago we are exchanging a lot of messages. And she seems to be very understanding about my situation (my 'depression', I didn't tell her about my PMO addiction). So that's very nice. I try to be me and very authentic and I think she likes it. We're communicating very truthfully and she is a very loving and caring person and that's why I sort of 'chose' her to be my ticket back to sexuality 3 years ago, when I was rebooting for the first time. I also indirectly brought up the idea about having a date and she responded very well and seems to be interested. Knowing her from the past, I know that I have to lead the dance all the time. She never asked for a second date 3 years ago even though I knew that she was interested. So, I will have to initiate the first kiss, I will have to initiate cuddling, I will have to get to second base first and stuff like that. That is a bit of an unknown territory for me as well, but I think I can handle that. My main problem with her is that she is very virtuous. I sometimes make suggestive remarks and she never takes the bait or responds suggestively herself. So it's very hard to bring her out of the shell. She is either super virtuous or she will be a total freak if we should land in bed together ;D. We'll see where it leads.

On another more unpleasant note: I'm leaking a lot of precum throughout the day. Whenever I interact with girls I like, there is the chance of leaking a little bit of precum. This really worries me because imagine I get intimate with N. and then there is this sea of precum in my pants. There are nicer scenarios I can imagine. Unfortunately, I don't have a clue how to tackle this problem. Maybe, I'm super sensitive right now and it will decrease again with actual intimacy? We'll see...

Moreover I'm making a few changes. Unfortunately, I picked up smoking about a month ago and today I stopped it. From the past, I know that the first three days are ugly but after that it gets really easy. I also decided to go vegetarian again. 5000 animals are slaughtered per second world-wide and I don't want to be part of this anymore. It's also extremely bad for the environment due to all the CO2 that is produced by beef for example, so yeah miss me with that shit. I just love animals, and I would never be able to kill an animal which I groomed for years. I just can't. Maybe, I could hunt but not be a farmer that kills his own animals. That's heartbreaking for me. We'll see how that goes, but I have been a vegetarian in the past for years and I never had any problems with it. Maybe, I need to take B12 supplements but I'll monitor it. By the way, N. is a vegetarian herself ;)

I also want to read a book about human sexuality, I recently stumbled upon. It's called 'About heaven on earth' (in my language) and it is written by a sex therapist. In short, he considers sex to be the most intimate form of communication. In his book he examines both the most positive and the most negative varieties. It has incredible reviews both from the specialist press as well as the user reviews. So yeah, I'll give it a go. Hopefully, I won't leak too much precum while reading it  :-\
I've also ordered Mark Manson's "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life", a book I wanted to read for a long time. I'll make sure to comment on both books in this journal, once I've read them.

Take care, boooois!

p.s: I just want to state that I'm feeling really good all around. My therapist commented in our last session that I shouldn't fear anything and just take it all in an and face all the tasks with positivity. Because two months ago, I was in a really dark place and now my life is coming together and everything is falling in to place. I suddenly have multiple options when it comes to girls and so on and so forth. I'm making real progress. If I can, you can, too! :)
« Last Edit: March 16, 2019, 10:20:47 PM by Pete McVries »
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Pete McVries

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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #31 on: March 18, 2019, 05:01:54 PM »
Day 72

I'm still in daily contact with N. and I have a hard time flirting with her. She is totally immune to every suggestive comment I make. It drives me crazy. On the flipside, she is very receptive for everything else and has made it very clear that she is interested in dating me. If someone has some experience with these type of girls, I would be glad to hear some helpful advice. Sometimes, I think she is too good for this world. I mean, I don't see anything rudimentarily 'bad' in her. And I wouldn't be surprised if she was still a virgin at 26yo but I might be totally wrong about this. I haven't asked her this but I'm sure she doesn't have a bf right now and I don't think, she is the type of girl to use tinder and these other apps. Also, she is not the type of girl to approach guys, so if no one approaches her she stays solo. She initially approached me more than 3 years ago but in a very friendly way, there was no sexual innuendo.

I will probably see her next week and we'll see where it all goes. My plan of action is to take things slowly, progress naturally and just be very caring and sensitive with her. It's also a great opportunity to grow as a man and as a lover because I can try myself out a lot. I'm very excited about all this and I hope the 'Dead Man' will rise up eventually if it should come down to it.

Edit: I will try to get an urologist's appointment asap so that he can have a look at my precum problem. Also, I want him to prescribe me cialis, so that I can use it as a crutch for the first few times.

All you need is love!
« Last Edit: March 18, 2019, 05:17:43 PM by Pete McVries »
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all_in_now

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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #32 on: March 19, 2019, 06:15:25 AM »
Hey Pete!

Yeah, some girls just aren't really into suggestive convos or are scared to have one due to what you may think of them. She used to be your student, so she probably consciously/subconsciously still holds you in high regard. Usually women just don't want to appear like they want "it" but they do trust me. The last girl I was with was similar to the girl you're describing, and I was very surprised at how "shy" she was once I got her going if you catch my drift XD

I think your plan of taking it slow and being caring/sensitive is good, but I'd be wary of letting this slip into the friend zone. I've noticed girls love it when you compliment them/escalate physically. Nowadays, not many guys know how to avoid the friend zone because of just bad advice in general. The last girl I was with said no man had ever just walked up to her and asked her out/been so assertive with what he wants before me, and she really liked my approach. Your "sexy math student" is probably just waiting for you to unleash her hahaha. Pro tip: Sit next to her on the date, not across the table.

I've also been thinking of seeing a urologist so I totally agree with that plan. Not sure if I want to try cialis yet though, still mulling that option over. However, I've heard some guys have had better reboots using low dosages and then slowly weaning themselves off. All in all though you're doing great keep it up  8)
« Last Edit: March 19, 2019, 06:17:11 AM by all_in_now »
all_in_now

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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #33 on: March 19, 2019, 06:53:41 AM »
Pete stick with the Cialis if you can get it, all_in_now you can try ginseng instead.

Pete McVries

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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #34 on: March 19, 2019, 09:28:19 AM »
Day 73

Thanks for chiming in, guys. I just made an urologist's appointment on thursday. Blessed be the healthcare system of my country.

@Georgos: Have you had any experience with Cialis? I want the prescribed cialis because I fear, if I buy some generic shit from the internet that the doses will be off and that scares me. So, I'm fine with paying a little more as long as I get my hands on the real stuff.

@all_in_now: I think, I was misunderstanding. She has never been 'my' student but a fellow student of mine. We shared one or two courses but we had different focus areas, so we didn't see each other too often. Thanks for sharing your own personal experience. Yeah, that's totally the feeling that I have. I mean, she is really interested in seeing me but as soon as I try to flirt (via whatsapp), she just ignores it completely, it's quite fascinating ;D. I suspect that she wants "it" as much as I do but as I said earlier, I have to lead the dance. I will have to take the risk of making a fool out of myself but I'm totally fine with that. Rejection, I don't fear anymore at this point. But, it'll be thrilling nevertheless and it would be a shame if it wasn't.

By taking it slow and being caring, I didn't mean to be a 'nice guy' and end up in the friend zone. In fact, I have never been friendzoned. Or maybe I have been, but I didn't stay there, I'm not an orbiter type of guy. If a girl makes it clear that she isn't interested in me then I can live with that and focus on the next one. So, I just suspect her to be a very sensitive girl and I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable and progress to quickly. In fact, I plan on making a move on the first or second date (kissing her) depending on how our chemistry is but I don't plan on having sex with her right away. That's what I meant by taking things slow. And most importantly, I need to feel comfortable myself as well. My gearbox is rusty, you know what I'm sayin'?

But all in all, our conversations are very truthful, we're not playing games with each other, it feels really refreshing. Maybe that's why conventional flirting doesn't work with her, maybe we are already past that point.

As I said, I'll plan on seeing her next week. Just a minute ago, while I was writing my post, she initiated a conversation with me on WhatsApp, so really, I feel that she is very interested in me.

I'm excited!
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Georgos

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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #35 on: March 19, 2019, 09:50:10 AM »
My father has some experience with Cialis but I don't think he likes it, nor does he trust herbal remedies that he didn't grow up with, unlike myself who is happy to try anything once, within reason, when I was worried about my own performance, I used to get bombarded with spam about Cialis in my gmail, which unfortunately added to my paranoia and delusions, I think I know better now than to pay attention to such adverts, my father uses Cialis that is prescribed by professionals, I think it does help with his performance, but he still complains about it to anyone who will listen. Thank you.

Pete McVries

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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #36 on: March 19, 2019, 09:53:55 AM »
Thanks for sharing your information!

I tried Viagra once and it was a horrible experience. I blushed super hard and it felt like my blood was boiling. It made me feel really uncomfortable. I heard cialis has a lot less side effects, that's why I want to try it.
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Georgos

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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #37 on: March 19, 2019, 09:58:09 AM »
Sounds similar to niacin which I used to take to try and balance my brain chemistry along with a few other supplements. It's also supposed to put you off smoking. I gave up on it after a while due to the expense.

"A daily dose of niacin, also known as vitamin B3, improves erectile function in men with high cholesterol, a new study finds. The results show that the 80 men who took niacin and began the study with moderate or severe erectile dysfunction (ED) reported an improvement in their ability to maintain an erection."

https://www.livescience.com/15657-vitamin-improves-erectile-dysfunction.html

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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #38 on: March 19, 2019, 10:09:43 AM »
Interesting. About the stopping smoking thing, I'm already in the clear. I only had one wakeful night and that was it. It's like I have never been addicted to nicotine. I suspect that Big Tobacco uses secret propaganda to spread information that it is almost impossible to stop smoking where in fact, in my own personal experience, it is really easy.
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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #39 on: March 19, 2019, 10:24:10 AM »
Hey @Pete lol at thinking she was your student XD Totally understand your position. Sounds like you've got a good approach to this then.

@Georgos Thanks for the advice. I've decided to give your suggestion a go after reading some articles. Seems to be a mixed consensus, but I guess I won't know until I try.

all_in_now

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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #40 on: March 21, 2019, 08:59:25 PM »
Day 75

Today has probably been the best day of the year so far for me. I'm so grateful for everything that's happening right now.

Firstly, I had a double session with my therapist this morning. I lengthily talked about women in general, N. and how to prepare myself to get back into the world of dating. It was a great conversation as always and she helped me to reflect myself a lot. To make up my mind about my intentions and how to put them into action. After that, I had an appointment with a young urologist who was very well-versed in the whole PIED thing and how damaging porn can be. But before I went to him, I thought about contacting N. because she lives in a part of the city which is halfway between the urologists office and my place. So, I thought, fuck it, just write her which I did. I asked her, if she would like to take a stroll with me after I had finished my business in the city. She didn't read the message right away and therefore didn't reply instantly. The urologist was very helpful and told me to continue rebooting and that I'm doing the only right thing. He also assured me that my precum problem is very common and that it is because I'm very sensitive right now. It will turn back to normal at some point, once I get used to real intimacy again. He was also like "once you get intimate with her, just go for it!" which made me grin broadly. Lastly, I asked him about cialis and if it would help me in my case to which he agreed so he prescribed me a very low dose of cialis (5 mg). I thanked him for his time and everything and left the office.

N. had written me back during my visit at the office. She told me that she would love to see me, so we set up a date. I arrived a bit early so I stood and waited at the meeting place for a few minutes. It was in front of a corner store at a crossroads, so there were many pedestrians and I was scanning the area for N. because I didn't even know which way she would arrive from. And some thoughts crossed my mind, like what if she looked differently from what I remember her, what if I won't like what I see anymore, what if she had changed drastically and so on and so forth. The last time I had seen her was 3 (THREE!) years ago. But from what I remember, she was totally my type because she is half-pakistani and I'm an absolute sucker for exotic mixed race girls especially if they have a light brownish skin and black hair (I mean this totally not in a racist way, it's just the way it is). While I was scanning the area for her, I spotted a girl who matched the described type but she was plump and sort of scruffy and I was thinking "oh no, please don't let that be N. Oh fuck, if that's her, I need to run away ASAP..." While, I was looking at that woman, I heard a "Hello Pete!" from my right, so I turned around and spotted the real N. who sorta had snuck up on me ;D

What can I say, she looked way cuter than I had remembered and she was smiling from ear to ear. I took off my sunglasses and gave her a hug right away and told her how happy I was to see her again. And then we walked through the neighbourhood and through parks and areas like that for three hours while we talked about all kinds of stuff. We had a great chemistry for the whole three hours and it felt magical in a way. It felt so surreal for me because, I haven't had this kind of connection to a woman for 8 years really. I was just so happy about it all and we laughed a lot and gave each other compliments. For example, I told her how mad I was when my depression started to hit me three years ago. It was like one day after we had our initial first date and I told her that I was so angry about the whole situation because I just had gotten to know her and then I was unable to date her again. And she was like "Awww, you're so sweet!", it felt really sincere. It was such a great first date. It couldn't have been better really. And holy shit, I'm so so so attracted to her, damn that cute smile of hers. At the end of the date, I was so aroused that I feared I would come in my pants. I kid you not. As I sit here a few hours after the date, I have the worst blue balls I've ever had. From just talking three hours. Holy shit. What if I get intimate with her??? Dear lord, have some mercy on me.

I'm just so thrilled, like three-four months ago I was very depressed and now my life is coming together and things fall into place and I'm so thankful for it all. At the end of the date, I brought her  back to her place and I wanted to kiss her so bad and I think she wanted the same but next to her house is a restaurant and many people were having their dinner outside and that sorta killed the situation a bit. So instead, we smiled at each other, held each other tight and thanked each other for the lovely date and we both showed clear interest to have a second date very soon. On my way home, I so wanted to write her how much of a great time I had but I chose not to do so because I didn't want to appear needy. To my astonishment she instead wrote me a short message that she had a really nice time and enjoyed herself walking and talking with me. And she wished me a good night. Knowing her a bit, this is almost like a token of love because as I stated in an earlier post she plays her hand very close to her chest. Man, I'm so happy. I almost feel like I'm in love a bit haha, I need to calm down a bit. I'll take a cold shower after finishing this post.

I'll sleep like a baby tonight. Thank you all for contributing so far. Today was a real milestone for me. It was maybe the first step of rewiring with a woman I really like. I hope, I can keep the momentum going. Thanks!
« Last Edit: March 21, 2019, 09:07:55 PM by Pete McVries »
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K-Dot

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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #41 on: March 22, 2019, 03:56:00 PM »
Day 75

Today has probably been the best day of the year so far for me. I'm so grateful for everything that's happening right now.

Firstly, I had a double session with my therapist this morning. I lengthily talked about women in general, N. and how to prepare myself to get back into the world of dating. It was a great conversation as always and she helped me to reflect myself a lot. To make up my mind about my intentions and how to put them into action. After that, I had an appointment with a young urologist who was very well-versed in the whole PIED thing and how damaging porn can be. But before I went to him, I thought about contacting N. because she lives in a part of the city which is halfway between the urologists office and my place. So, I thought, fuck it, just write her which I did. I asked her, if she would like to take a stroll with me after I had finished my business in the city. She didn't read the message right away and therefore didn't reply instantly. The urologist was very helpful and told me to continue rebooting and that I'm doing the only right thing. He also assured me that my precum problem is very common and that it is because I'm very sensitive right now. It will turn back to normal at some point, once I get used to real intimacy again. He was also like "once you get intimate with her, just go for it!" which made me grin broadly. Lastly, I asked him about cialis and if it would help me in my case to which he agreed so he prescribed me a very low dose of cialis (5 mg). I thanked him for his time and everything and left the office.

N. had written me back during my visit at the office. She told me that she would love to see me, so we set up a date. I arrived a bit early so I stood and waited at the meeting place for a few minutes. It was in front of a corner store at a crossroads, so there were many pedestrians and I was scanning the area for N. because I didn't even know which way she would arrive from. And some thoughts crossed my mind, like what if she looked differently from what I remember her, what if I won't like what I see anymore, what if she had changed drastically and so on and so forth. The last time I had seen her was 3 (THREE!) years ago. But from what I remember, she was totally my type because she is half-pakistani and I'm an absolute sucker for exotic mixed race girls especially if they have a light brownish skin and black hair (I mean this totally not in a racist way, it's just the way it is). While I was scanning the area for her, I spotted a girl who matched the described type but she was plump and sort of scruffy and I was thinking "oh no, please don't let that be N. Oh fuck, if that's her, I need to run away ASAP..." While, I was looking at that woman, I heard a "Hello Pete!" from my right, so I turned around and spotted the real N. who sorta had snuck up on me ;D

What can I say, she looked way cuter than I had remembered and she was smiling from ear to ear. I took off my sunglasses and gave her a hug right away and told her how happy I was to see her again. And then we walked through the neighbourhood and through parks and areas like that for three hours while we talked about all kinds of stuff. We had a great chemistry for the whole three hours and it felt magical in a way. It felt so surreal for me because, I haven't had this kind of connection to a woman for 8 years really. I was just so happy about it all and we laughed a lot and gave each other compliments. For example, I told her how mad I was when my depression started to hit me three years ago. It was like one day after we had our initial first date and I told her that I was so angry about the whole situation because I just had gotten to know her and then I was unable to date her again. And she was like "Awww, you're so sweet!", it felt really sincere. It was such a great first date. It couldn't have been better really. And holy shit, I'm so so so attracted to her, damn that cute smile of hers. At the end of the date, I was so aroused that I feared I would come in my pants. I kid you not. As I sit here a few hours after the date, I have the worst blue balls I've ever had. From just talking three hours. Holy shit. What if I get intimate with her??? Dear lord, have some mercy on me.

I'm just so thrilled, like three-four months ago I was very depressed and now my life is coming together and things fall into place and I'm so thankful for it all. At the end of the date, I brought her  back to her place and I wanted to kiss her so bad and I think she wanted the same but next to her house is a restaurant and many people were having their dinner outside and that sorta killed the situation a bit. So instead, we smiled at each other, held each other tight and thanked each other for the lovely date and we both showed clear interest to have a second date very soon. On my way home, I so wanted to write her how much of a great time I had but I chose not to do so because I didn't want to appear needy. To my astonishment she instead wrote me a short message that she had a really nice time and enjoyed herself walking and talking with me. And she wished me a good night. Knowing her a bit, this is almost like a token of love because as I stated in an earlier post she plays her hand very close to her chest. Man, I'm so happy. I almost feel like I'm in love a bit haha, I need to calm down a bit. I'll take a cold shower after finishing this post.

I'll sleep like a baby tonight. Thank you all for contributing so far. Today was a real milestone for me. It was maybe the first step of rewiring with a woman I really like. I hope, I can keep the momentum going. Thanks!

My man, I'm so glad you're this excited! I've once picked up Pakistani girl in the club after performance about year ago, but I felt 0 arousal back then due to my desentitized :D (however, I could see that she liked the daddy a lot 3:) ). Man when you meet up with that girl again, when things get romantic go for the kiss! I'll be mad at you if you write that you went out with her again and didn't make a move! Just don't fall in love too soon, I see you were in the cloud 9 with that N. girl. I know when I don't fap for a long time, I suddenly got my feelings increased hahaha Love you man <3 

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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #42 on: March 22, 2019, 11:30:54 PM »
Day 76

@K-Dot: Thanks for you warm words! I'm not in love yet but I felt a feeling that is in the same ballpark as love and that is great. I haven't felt anything like that for a long, long time. I remember, in my twenties when I was heavily addicted to PMO, I always wondered why I wouldn't fall in love anymore. I thought, it was because I was getting older but now I know that it is because of PMO abuse.

This weekend, my dear friend J. is visiting me (he lives in another city) and I'm going to tell him my story. I'm kind of excited how he will react. We were travelling asia 11 years ago and he was hooking up with girls a lot, while I didn't even though there were many opportunities. It'll all make sense to him...
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all_in_now

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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #43 on: March 23, 2019, 06:55:32 AM »
Hey Pete, good progress man. Make a move and see where it goes...
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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #44 on: March 24, 2019, 09:07:23 AM »
Pete: Sounds awesome.

Yeah and I can relate to all those misconceptions about dating, sex and women ruining my twenties. While the major problem was PMO addiction and I didn’t even know about it. I didn’t know about my PIED since I didn’t event try to have sex. I wanted to have it but my drive wasn’t high enough.
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #45 on: March 25, 2019, 12:47:52 PM »
Day 79

Another wet dream, bodily fluids back to normal.

There is a thing that annoys me greatly. I didn't want to write about it at first which is kind of ridiculous if you take into consideration that you know "everything" about me and my ED. But I got a little oral herpes two days ago and I fucking hate herpes. Unfortunately, I got it at a very young age, there is nothing I can do about but eat healthy, keep my stress levels low and excercise regularly and pray to the old gods and the new that it stays dormant. But once in a while (like once or twice a year), the sucker comes knocking, crawls out of the dungeon for a few days and reminds me of his existence...

I feel like a leper and therefore I can't date N. anytime soon let alone kiss.  >:( >:( >:(

What shall I tell her? That I caught a cold? Something like that? It pisses me off, greatly. Life is always throwing shit in your way, like, let me breathe for a second, thank you... >:(

On a more positive note: I had a nice weekend with J. and I told him my story and he reacted really well. Like everyone does. Another weight lifted off of my shoulders.

I need to buy a new bed and a new mattress if I ever want to be intimate with somebody again. My mattress is really cheap and way too small for two people to sleep on. Yeah, I'll need to invest a bit but luckily, I got a little bit of cash on the side.

It's gonna be alright.
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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #46 on: March 25, 2019, 06:13:47 PM »
Hey Pete

Yeah this is hard information to share understandably. It's really brave and wise of you to seek advice on this issue, so I commend you for that. I would be honest with N. Just think if it the roles were flipped and N had herpes but you did not. I think you would want to know before being intimate because of your experience having this condition.

However, I don't think you're a leper and you shouldn't think of yourself as one. I think if she really likes you she'll read up on how other couples deal with herpes with you. If you both tackle the issue seriously and get the right knowledge, then you should be fine. I searched up some articles on this issue and there seems to be lots of guidance out there fortunately!

Stay healthy and hope all goes well with N :)
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Pete McVries

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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #47 on: March 25, 2019, 07:34:00 PM »
Hey all_in_now, thanks for commenting.

About the herpes, I don't know where you're from or what you have read but herpes really isn't much more than an aesthetic problem. A quick google search confirmed that about 90% of people of my country are infected with it. You either are immune to it or you are not. Therefore, about twice a year, the sucker breaks out for a few days but that's really it. So I don't feel like I have to tell her that I have herpes, you know? It just looks ugly and feels uncomfortable but that's really it. And sometimes it can be a hint that your immune system isn't the best. Which for me is weird because I've changed a lot of stuff for the better in the past few weeks. But that's really it.

Thanks anyways! I'm going to tackle the problem with a lot of sleep, vegetables and fruits for the next days.
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Edit_undo

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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #48 on: March 25, 2019, 08:28:32 PM »
Hey Pete, I feel your pain.  Being short on sleep, under stress and too many acids (coffee, alcohol) give me the cankor sores too. I guess it can manifest as a cold sore too? Anyway, my experience is that L-lysine supplements can help reduce the occurrence/duration. And you’re right on with the extra sleep and healthy diet too.

As far as your situation with N, i don’t think you’re wrong to delay the next encounter if you’re feeling self conscious. Or think it’s off-putting to her (no offense, but a cold sore might be a mood killer if you’re going for the kiss this date). It sounds like you really really care about this girl so I understand you want everything to go perfect. I’m against lies in relationships but this is a brand new one and it’s true that you ‘aren’t feeling you’re best’ or whatever excuse you go with.

All the best, you’re killing it man.


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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #49 on: March 26, 2019, 03:12:22 PM »
Day 80

Thanks, Edit_undo.

In addition to the skin cream, I got some tablets which include a lot of zinc and L-Lysine to reduce the duration. We'll see how it goes. I told N. today, that I'm feeling a little under the weather and won't be able to see her this week. She was very understanding and hopefully we can continue where we left of next week. Also, I jokingly told her that I won't wait another 3 years again to ask her out a second time ;). She had a good laugh and was flattered.

All good. 8)
« Last Edit: March 26, 2019, 03:15:32 PM by Pete McVries »
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