Author Topic: Shemale Addiction  (Read 13697 times)

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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #225 on: May 07, 2020, 05:46:15 PM »
Its very dark inside my head right now
I don't know how to explain it
its like a different kind of depression
maybe its a down feeling from the edibles
I hope it is cause I don't like it lol

Yesterday I threw all my edibles in the garbage disposal
it was about 40 bucks worth
I needed to sacrifice them, I couldnt sell em cause now it means something cause I lost money over it
I'm adding edibles to my blacklist
things I don't plan on doing ever again

I only started doing em cause some people say its processed as a different drug by the liver but thats bullshit
its the same feeling pretty much except theres no cbd in it and it lasts longer than if you smoke weed

I'm done with Weed/edibles and alcohol and porn
3 things I must not touch





I started getting morning woods again
happened I think twice this week which is sign the ol dick is coming back from the grave slowly
I'll have to watch out cause I'm not used to having to control myself
Its been pretty much smooth sailing with the dead dick for awhile but its gunna be different soon

I try not to look at girls as much as I can
I don't even wanna start with this right now
I wanna focus on something else
on work

But fuck thats more than hard

I'm too fucked in the head to make any decision right now
So I'm gunna wait a couples days till the thc is out of my system

then I'll try to get myself in a ''get some major shit done'' mood
I'm already doing more and more shit everyday working on little projects
getting some momentum, getting the ball rolling
so its gunna be easier to do a big move when/if I have to



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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #226 on: May 08, 2020, 06:20:38 PM »
Feeling better mentally
Something is wrong with my situation at home though
my parents havent talked to me since like 3 days ago
and when I see my father he just gives me the death stare or looks away

Maybe its just the thc fucking with me but I can feel something is wrong, I feel the tension

I'm pretty sure that its because i bashed the walls with my fist and broke a frame that was on my wall

anyway I think its time to get the fuck out of this place

I don't want anything to do with my parents and younger brother right now

I must get them off my life



Other than that I bought a 1400$ kings transformation program from Elliott Hulse
Why the fuck would I do that you ask?
cause I felt like I had to

It didnt think to much and didnt give a fuck anymore
I think it will help me

And just like I am now invested in stopping eating edibles cause I wasted 40 bucks now Im invested way more in making that investement worthwhile


Other than that I'm still hopeful that everything is gunna turn out fine
I had my first non morning wood boner last night I think.
the bird is slowly recovering







Jeks

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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #227 on: May 09, 2020, 02:12:31 AM »
Damn... You have got a lot going on right now. Maybe you should consider a rehab clinic? Maybe therapy? Porn seems not to be your only problem right now.
Anyway, you know that you are the only one, who can change his own life. No one can and will do it for you. Working on your porn use and other addictions is a very good start.

I wish you the best of luck.
« Last Edit: May 09, 2020, 02:29:47 AM by Jeks »

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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #228 on: May 10, 2020, 06:31:59 AM »
Hey Thanks Jeks, I really appreciate the feedback,
I've had therapy before and it didn't help
The guy didn't really care at all about solving my problems he was just trying to make me come back so he could get more money from me
Then I went to see another therapist and I had to start the whole process again of explaining everything that was going on and I didn't feel like doing it again so I just left in the beginning of the session
Plus also the therapist looked more depressed than me so how can he fix my problems if he doesn't even have is own shit right lol

Anyway I realize no one really gives a shit but me and thats normal so thats on me to fix my life just like you said
Plus I feel like a pussy for going to therapy
It makes me feel weak
Like I need someone to talk to me about my feelings and stuff
It makes me feel like I'm disabled and need a crutch


I thought my parents were mad at me for something but now I talked to them yesterday a little bit
I don't even know if they were mad or it was just the edibles that were still fucking with my head making me paranoid
I speak to them so rarely that I couldn't tell if they are talking to me less than usual lol
They actually don't seem to know that I still exist its like I'm a ghost or something

They care more about money then their children
but can I blame them thats just how they are
don't ask me why my family is fucked up
I looked up a video on what is a toxic family and thats pretty much mine lol
its like porn addiction by the time you realize its bad you're already fucked in the head


Well enough of that self pity shit I'm doing pretty good this morning
Imma stop being a pussy and do what I gotta do to try and change something

I worked on the lawn yesterday all day and built a fence
woke up at 6 am just like today
thats progress
when you work all day its easy to go to bed at 8
get up when the sun gets up and go down when the sun goes down
thats an item checked off my list
I made a list of shit I need to do and it helps keep me busy

Soon I'll end up with pretty much nothing to do though and I will fall back into depression and bad habbits
thats why I need either a huge project or a job or both
and I need to work for something
either for my own survival or something bigger than myself

I've gained some momentum in the past few days and I gotta keep it up
my flatline is slowly ending and when my feelings for women come back they're gunna hit me hard
so I gotta have all my time filled up as much as I can or I'm gunna relapse and it will be a really bad day





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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #229 on: May 10, 2020, 07:43:28 AM »
Hahha i see your point. I only went to a therapist, because i didnt see any other option. The nice thing is, that my therapist told me from day one (maybe day two or three,  i was really depressed at that time), that she wont give me any advice. She will maybe give me input or some ideas or things i could try out, but she wont tell meanything about how to run my life. And i could pretty much agree to this terms, because as we discussed our life is for us to figure out.
The nice thing about therapy, i find, is, that by someone asking you (good) questions and you answering them, you get this feeling that you start to understand things better. I always compare it to learning for a test. Maybe you have read something and you think you understand it, but by someone asking you questions you often notice, that you didnt understand it fully or maybe not at all. But when you are able to give a genuin answer to someone, you also feel like that you understand it and fully grasped it.
But i mean i was desperate...  I think you can also have some sort of this experience with good friends or also maybe here in the forum. But when you feel like you are really stuck, you should maybe consider it once more. Just something to think about. And you also have to find a good one of course. Mine is a cognitive therpapist. Maybe this style of therapy suits you also.

Good luck to you man

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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #230 on: May 11, 2020, 07:16:28 AM »
To be honest I think it really did help and make a difference seeing a therapist, its just that after a while I got better and I stopped seeing him but I'm not sure I got better because of him

It made me think about stuff and release some things I didn't know I had in me and I don't regret seeing him

Its just that a therapist wont fix depression
he might help you but its not like a permanent solution to what your problem really is and then your set for life

Youre right about having this same experience here on the forum
this is my therapy
a therapist mostly just listens to you
so I can do the same thing on here and talk to even more people

Even better, to some people who actually care about what I have to say and can get something out of it or just entertainement
I feel like putting my thoughts on here make them real and gets them out of my head
once I write it my mind is clearer and I can process what needs to be done in a better way


...



I watched a video last night where Elliott Hulse and his father speak called "without strong families we have nothing"
it starts off really slow but gets very very intense
I cried towards the end, it hit me hard
I recommend watching for everyone who wants to have a family one day

I feel like it was me speaking
or he was speaking about my parents
they have a nice big house, luxury cars
but their family is weak and falling appart
they care more about things then people
and to me its disgusting
it really sucks

But one good thing I get out of this is that I'm planning on having a family and you best fucking believe I'm gunna give them all the time, love and attention they need cause I know the pain of a weak family, and right now I don't consider my family to BE a family at all so I wanna make a real one, where people love and support eachother







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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #231 on: May 12, 2020, 10:19:49 AM »
No matter how much you try and avoid it you always end up finding sexual or sexy pictures or vids on the internet
whether its on youtube or on netflix (thats the main two for me)

And it really affects me just seeing these breefly
I stumbled on something like that yesterday and during the night I had thoughts or dream (cant remember) about naked girls and even shemales too

it has to do with the fact that my flatline is ending too
but those triggers don't help

Also my sexual frustration will be coming back and I don't know how I'm gunna deal with
I'm angry pretty often even on the flatline but when I come out 100% its gunna get ugly and dangerous

I need to find a some kind of relief, I've tried training but it just makes it worse and when I train very angry my muscles hurt and I'm on the verge of snapping shit up

One of the option would be jerking off without porn but I don't think its a good idea cause I'm too addicted to porn
I've tried it many times but what happen most time is when you allow yourself to do it once that means you allow yourself to donit all the time, all least with me its all or nothing

and one day you try to jerk off and youre not horny enough so what do you do to get your dopamine hit? thats right you watch porn once

then when I watch porn once I already relapse at this point so I say to myself hey! I might aswell get the most pleasure out of it then you do it again for like 3 days

and after that you realize that you fucked all your progress
been there done that

I'm gunna try to do some research on ways you can get rid of your sexual frustration and feelings

I haven't done that since I started this journal so its time I think
there must be new valueable information I need to know out there

I know theres hour long videos from the program I bought available to me right now so that will be a good start

I will post useful information I got from them on this thread once I've gone through those and reflected on them

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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #232 on: May 13, 2020, 04:15:06 AM »
training is great for anger, stress and everything. its good for the brain. dont do excuses for training, do some cardio workouts instead. light workout is perfect if you are not already fit and habituated workout artist. dont push yourself too hard (keep it at 50-60% of your max intensity). focus on consistency.

reboot causes psychological problems and working out wont prevent it but it will help in reducing it. there are no fixes for reboot, only band aids. if you have bad temper after working out, its normal, workout still helps.

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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #233 on: May 13, 2020, 07:05:43 AM »
I've been weight training 3 times a week for about 5 years and I know what I'm doing by now its just that last time I trained when I was very angry my muscles hurt like never before

weight training exhausts the specific muscles more than my whole body and maybe I should start running again
getting a little sweat on, doing some cardio and getting the whole system completely exhauated
I'll try that

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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #234 on: May 13, 2020, 07:37:39 AM »
I had a wet dream during the night
I hate that shit, I have a whole mess upstairs to clean that I don't wanna get into right now

I just woke up and realize I'm almost done with the projects I had to do on my list
The last couple days have been great I've been moving all day constantly almost never sitting down or being inside
the wheater is getting hotter too so thats awesome

Once I'm done with all my projects at home I'm going to have nothing to do
thats a fact
and I'm probably gunna go back to the state I was which is depressed, loose the momentum that I built of waking up early
and other good habbits
will be tempted to jerk off too if I get horny and bored at the same time

So as hard at is might be right now my only option is to go find an appartement I have to pay for and get kinda broke so I'm forced to get a job
I have to light a fire under my ass to push me or I'm not gunna do shit

I'm not driven by money I don't wanna be rich I don't give a shit about that
so the only way I can keep myself sharp and moving and fucking evolve is get uncomfortable

you don't grow when your comfortable cause you don't need to
what forces growth is being uncomfortable cause then you get that drive to push you in a better situation

I have everything I need at home and I could stay there for as long as I want but thats the cowardly thing to
believe me I don't wanna leave home right now with the virus and stuff but that's the only option I see to keep my mental sanity and keep me going and evolving
I don't want to do it but I feel like I need to

also my father is just pissing me off
I got to get away from that negativity
that weakness
just being around him brainwashes you to be a fucking pussy
my mother is more of a man than him

and believe me I still love him but god damn!
why is he such a soft negative bitch


Believe me I never wanted to be like him, I'm probably the opposite of him that's why we never get along but my little brother is just like him even worse and that's why I don't talk to him anymore since I don't know how many years

At least half of my family is descent though
so I'm grateful for that
they still provided for me if not in love in materialistic things and thats the basics of survival

The lack of love and connection made me stronger than most

hard times create strong men
easy times create weak men

my father had it easy for too long maybe that has to do with why he is weak



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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #235 on: May 14, 2020, 06:50:16 AM »
Finished listenning to a 4 hour audio book about the non-job revolution from the kings transformation program
I've been listenning to stuff about that but it takes a while to digest

Its about how to take something you enjoy doing and get money out of it basically

One thing that I wanted to share that I found valuable was towards the end of the book he talks about having skin in the game

If you get information for free, you're not invested and don't really have any push to follow that advice
but if you're like me and you pay 1400$ for a program you better believe you will listen to it cause now you've got skin in the game

what I'm saying is sometimes its even more benificial to you to spend money than get something for free in that situation

so asking for money to give valuable information to someone is benificial for you and for them too

I talked already briefly about that but I think it was something it was worth coming back to


The biggest thing to avoid porn is to have you days filled up always and never be bored
and idle mind is the devil's workshop so they say(or some shit like that)

the main thing that takes up a man's day is his job
if you don't have one your day will be harder to fill and your pockets too eventually

right now I'm weighting the pros and cons of starting your own buisness and I don't think I am ready for that but learning about it might be good in the future

right now what I've been doing unconsiously is spending all my money
And I've realized its a good thing
everyone has been telling me to save money but I need to do the exact opposite!

Right now I need a job to fill my days to get mentally sane, see some people and do something that will keep me away from porn right?

so I'm not someone who's motivated by money
I don't have money goals I don't give a shit
I'm only motivated by survival
when I get in deep shit that's where my body starts to react and has the motivation to work

so to work I gotta become broke first
I'm gunna throw my money in my area of work and In myself like my program, fix things on my car and all useful stuff I would have ended up spending money on anyway that are gunna be very benificial to me and now I'm gunna have "skin in the game"

I'll be forced to work cause I'm broke
and will be independant from my parents too most likely
That is what I need to do to get off my ass




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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #236 on: May 19, 2020, 11:48:13 AM »
Feeling kinda weak today
worked hard the past few days at my parents house and now my relation with my parents is better

Last night I had a weird dream
I actually watched shemale porn in my head while I was sleeping
It seemed so real I thought I was really relapsing
By so miracle I stopped myself from busting at the last moment and only a few drops came out and I went back to sleep

Right now the shemale stuff is way gone and I wanna keep it that way
I wanna keep any sexual thing away in general too

I thought my flatline was gunna be over by now but its not
I must be at 95 days without porn right now or something close to that

I only watched porn once this year and I wanna keep it that way

Right now I'm not sure what to do with my life and I need more time to reflect about what I should do



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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #237 on: May 22, 2020, 07:23:52 PM »
Doing good
just took a walk in the neighborhood while smoking a cheap stick
Wheater was perfect

confidence was through the roof
Being on a flatline is awesome
I never thought I'd say that but having very low sexual feelings towards women makes me way more ballsy cause I just don't give a fuck

Its how I should be all the time but for some reasons when I'm horny and looking for girls approval or changing my behavior when around women makes me less attractive to them so its just bs man

I just spit out some bits of tobacco in front of a girl and she looked at me like she wanted to suck me off wtf

I'm just kidding she was like 12 and she did a weird thing with her tongue that kinda threw me off guard

I don't even know why I'm writing this at this point moving on I'm not a pedo but I like them young Lol

not in that kind of way but you know I feel judged for looking at 12 year old girls sometimes
they're still cute..

Its like looking at a cat in a certain way doesnt mean I wanna fuck it

Things with my parents got better and I decided to stay not only cause I spent all my money and I'm broke but because I use all of the house alot to work and do things and also I don't plan on staying at an appartement for more than a year so

Still porn free
I think today is my 100th day PMO free if I'm not mistaken so thats nice lets keep it that way

now that I'm broke I'll have to start looking for a job pretty soon
not cause I want to but because I have to
why would you work if you don't even need money thats dumb
I'm glad I'm getting broke

I'll find a job when I won't be able to pay shit and I'm sure the work is gunna fill up my days and make me meet new people along the way maybe a girl? who knows
not that I could even get my dick hard but I think its better that than being too horny cause you know what happens when I get too horny I try to fuck anything that comes along my dick's way even 15 year old girls

But I'm done with this
from now I'm setting some boudaries for myself
discipline motherfuck
no girls under 18 from now on


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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #238 on: May 24, 2020, 12:08:43 PM »
Feeling kinda weird
Like some sort of brain fog or darkness inside me
I think its cause I ate cheese last night
I never eat cheese

I think its best to eat the same shit everyday to keep it simple and  also for that reason that you wont have to deal with stuff that affects your brain without you even realising it

I ate the same stuff for like a month everyday pretty much until yesterday and I will try to do keep doing that

So now Its another thing I have to focus on doing just like going to bed when the sun comes down

To be honest I dont eat the same supper everyday but breakfast and lunch are always the same

I think its best to stick with as few things as possible your body enjoys

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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #239 on: June 01, 2020, 04:14:31 PM »
Feeling depressed man
like all the life has been sucked out of me
fucking drained

No matter how hard I try to live a better life I always find myself going back to the same depressed state
When I get weak the demons take over my soul and just consume it then I feel only darkness and negative thoughs

I think I need a few days to just to nothing and let my body heal
No exercise nothing
just stop doing anything

Sometimes I feel I'm just wasting my life away just waiting to die
whats the point

No matter how much progress I make I feel like I haven't done anything

Maybe the flatline has something to do with it
If I just give myself time maybe things will be okay after all
things seem to find a way to turn out alright with time

My mind is playing tricks on me and its making me focus on the negative right now cause I feel like shit, I know that now

I need a way to bring back some life in my dead body
exercise helps but I cant be doing that all day
or I get tapped out like I am right now

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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #240 on: June 01, 2020, 04:53:08 PM »
If you are in flatline, it can make you feel like shit. It certainly does this to me. It makes me feel overwhelmed about everything but I remember that I also feel better after that. Bottom line is: Nothing is a reason for a relapse. Feeling like shit won't go away after relapsing. Shit, relapsing makes us feel even worse. When I'm in flatline, I look at the positive thing: I don't have urges for PMO.

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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #241 on: June 13, 2020, 11:28:12 AM »
Yeah man, I'm on the good path. I kinda like the flatline because its like free porn-free days and its a sign your body is healing and can't take all the sex/dopamine your giving it. But it sucks too because you're numb and have zero sex drive. At the point I'm at I'm done going back to porn man thats the thing I wanna avoid the most on my life. I've gone back to it so many times and if it was a good option for me I wouldn't be there doing everything in my power to get rid of it.

I haven't watched porn or even jerked off since I said I did which is like febuary 12 or something so I've been on the flatline for about 4 months now. I thought my libido/sex drive was coming back a few weeks ago but it didn't I still feel numb/depressed with a lack of energy. Some people's flatline last 1+ year and I hope that won't be the case for me but I'm going to go through it no matter how long it takes. I think being horny and not be able to PMO is even worse to be honest.

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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #242 on: June 29, 2020, 08:57:30 AM »
Still on the flatline
Had a wet dream this morning
and it was with a women, not a dream about me watching porn
Thats a good sign my brain is letting go of the porn

I wonder how long this flatline is gunna last, but I hope it lasts a long time to be honest I don't wanna have to control urges again

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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #243 on: July 07, 2020, 05:34:09 PM »
had a wet dream about shemale porn last night
started fantasizing and jerked off a little but didnt O.

Its weird how I want nothing to do with trannies and shemale stuff when I'm not horny but when I am its all I think about

I thought all of that t-girl shit was behind but its not
It keeps haunting me

all the pleasure it gave me will turn into pain from having to deal with that shit

hopefully it won't impact my relationship with women
The most Important thing is that I don't watch it anymore and that I don't seek escorts ever again. Last time (dec 2019 I think) I swore it was the last time. Lets start this decade fresh.

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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #244 on: July 09, 2020, 11:21:21 AM »
Relapsed yesterday, I couldn't sleep cause I had too much sexual energy and needed a release. I was laying down in bed and couldn't close my eyes and had a hard on I couldn't get rid of. It was 10:45 and I usually go to sleep around 8 or 9 cause I work early. I would usually have went for a 50 min walk to get tired but I needed the time to sleep so I didn't. I didn't technically watch porn but some girl on youtube so that's not as bad but still I wish I didn't have to do it. You'd think I would have enjoyed it but did not really. It was very unsatisfying.