Author Topic: Shemale Addiction  (Read 2612 times)

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Shemale Addiction
« on: February 24, 2019, 12:23:09 AM »
*WARNING*
May contain triggers
Read at your own risks

I started watching porn when I was 6 years old and escalated to some pretty weird stuff since then.
In my early porn days I watched some solo and lesbian stuff then came a foot fetish and hairy girl fetish, and later on came beastiality and shemale porn

Last year I lasted 75 days no PMO then I MO'd once, then another time, then I went and looked for pictures of girls feet to jack off to
saying to myself that its not actually porn and I ended up coming back to my old habbits.
After awhile I didn't even give a shit anyway, I was (still am) a virgin and I'm not able to get a girlfriend anyway so why not jack off?

Theres something wrong in my head and I don't know how to fix it, I isolate myself I try to avoid people even though I want to connect with a girl so much

I'm sad, depressed and sexually frustrated, I feel like shit all the time and jacking off is the only time I feel good.
I'm so fucked I'm having trouble having an O even to shemale porn thats why its time to stop this

This is going to be hard but I need to change
I'm not even attracted to girls anymore
I'd rather suck a tranny dick and I'm not even gay
I'm digusted by myself and ashamed
I don't feel like a man

Its been 3 days since last PMO...

I'm gunna try to keep this journal updated so I can write instead of thinking about porn

If anyone read this, thanks for reading
« Last Edit: February 24, 2019, 12:41:27 AM by username is not available »

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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #1 on: February 25, 2019, 04:37:56 PM »
Day 5

I'm not working today and tomorrow and I'm depressed and really bored...
I wanna jack off but I know I'll be bored the rest of the day anyway
At least I won't be angry at myself for relapsing

Last week I was on Craigslist and was looking for tranny hookups and I found one but I decided not to go through with it
I'm not sure I really wanna fuck a tranny in real life... From what I've read most trannys aren't like the ones you see on the internet
And I'm pretty sure I'm gunna feel disgusted after I sucked a dude's dick
 
The only thing that helped me cope with depression and suicidal thoughs (porn) is now gone I need to find some hobbies,
to do something with my days
I've been on antidepressant for a month but they dont seem to be working yet
fuck I'm bored and dead inside




Pete McVries

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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #2 on: February 25, 2019, 05:27:24 PM »
Let me tell you this, I've been rebooting for more than 3 years and I've seen quite a few guys with a tranny fetish. And everyone who tried out his fetish in real life utterly regretted it afterwards to the point of wanting to commit suicide. I don't wanna scare you, I just tell it how it is. So do yourself the favor, reboot, don't look back, and DON'T HOOK UP WITH A TRANNY.

p.s I don't discriminate trannies
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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #3 on: February 26, 2019, 04:06:30 PM »
Damn man, thanks for the advice, I didn't think you'd want to commit suicide after having fucked a tranny but I can imagine why.. Definitely will not seek a tranny now



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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #4 on: February 26, 2019, 04:32:46 PM »
Day 6:

Since like 2 days ago my attraction to women is slowly coming back and I'm noticing them now
A girl came to eat at my job and I couldn't stop looking at her and she was always turning her head to look at me...

She was pretty cute but was only 15 so I couldn't really be with her.. anyway I would probably not have had the balls to ask her out
so maybe its a good thing she was underaged..

I tried to keep working but I just couldn't stop looking at her and thinking about her
I wasn't even really turned on but I just knew I wanted her
I felt good and bad at the same time it was weird

Today I woke up feeling pretty shitty but went to buy some bread and I feel better now




Last time I rebooted, the first week after no PMO felt pretty good but after it turned into 2 months of shitty withdrawals and I think today and tomorrow is the calm before the storm...

One thing I learned from my last reboot is that theres no half measures when it comes to quitting porn...
If you think you can allow yourself to watch only one genre of porn without escalating back to the stuff you used to watched there 99.9% chances you will fail and fall back into your old habbits, at least that what happened to me

I think I will allow myself to jack off at one point in my reboot (like after 60 to 90 days) but can't allow myself to have an image in front of me not matter what even if its a Sears magazine.

I hope I will be able to get a girlfriend soon after or during the reboot or I'm afraid I'll fall back into my addiction..



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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #5 on: February 27, 2019, 10:17:15 PM »
Day 7:

Woke up feeling pretty shitty, had about half a morning wood but wasn't horny and I don't have any urges but my dick isn't completely dead yet..
Was depressed and had low energy but went on the treadmill and listened to Slayer pretty loud on my speaker then it felt really good after about 10 mins

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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #6 on: February 28, 2019, 03:21:31 PM »
Day 8:

I had porn flashbacks when I was laying in bed last night and this morning.. I had a hard on for a moment but didn't feel the need to watch porn and wasn't even horny thinking about it. I imagined if there would be a tranny in my bed I would want to suck her cock till she cums in my mouth...

Yeah.. I know how gay that sounds..
But when I think of a tranny I think of a girl with a dick, not a dude with tits, but its not how it is in real life.

When I first started watching tranny porn (like 6 years ago, I'm 21 btw), I looked up things like girls with dicks and stuff cause
I though they were different than crossdressers and femboys and I was disgusted at the though of watching dudes turned into girls
but after awhile i didn't even care anymore.

I'm attracted to feminity and if a guy can portray that, my mind just doesn't see the difference

 

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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #7 on: February 28, 2019, 04:06:21 PM »
"her cock" sorry mate, I had to chuckle for a second ;D. Hope the reboot goes well and this porn induced fetish fades to black. It will be there forever but hopefully your fetish can become dormant. Rooting for you!
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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #8 on: March 01, 2019, 03:24:08 PM »
Lol yeah I have to tell myself its a women cause the thought of sucking a dude's dick is disgusting

Thanks for the comments man

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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #9 on: March 01, 2019, 03:43:06 PM »
Day 9:

I don't know when I'll start to get horny again but it probably will be awhile cause I abused the FUCK out of porn these past few months

I'm still not sure if I will jack off without porn or give up jacking off completely but damn..
Its gunna be hard if I can't even jack off at all when I'm horny

If anyone knows whether or not its best to stop jacking off completely feel free to post a reply

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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #10 on: March 02, 2019, 01:32:36 PM »
Day 10:

I could feel a tiny bit horny this morning and at the same time I feel like my emotions are coming back and I'm actually starting to feel some things again

I took a walk listening to music in the sun and I haven't felt that good in a long time

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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #11 on: March 03, 2019, 10:18:03 PM »
Day 11:

Had a 3 min morning wood this morning but was not horny, I haven't though about fucking shemales since 2 days ago which is good and I'm noticing girls more and more

I feel sad for no reason and I'm depressed.
I'm empty inside, unlike my balls

I don't know if the porn caused things that are fucked in my head or its just me but I'd like to know

It seems that I just can't connect with people and that I feel no emotions
I hope the reboot will fix some of those things otherwise fuck

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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #12 on: March 06, 2019, 02:31:47 PM »
Day 14:

I had a dream where I watched porn and thought I relapsed..
I didn't even enjoy it cause my dick is dead and has been dead for awhile except for the occasional morning wood

I think I've been on a flatline since before I stopped watching porn
I can't remember the last time I've actually been horny

I saw an attractive naked girl on a TV show last night for like 30 seconds and only got a semi about 20 seconds in

Actually I think the flatline is good cause it makes it easy for me not to watch porn






 

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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #13 on: March 07, 2019, 08:52:56 AM »
Hi, I want to wish you great success with your reboot I am struggling through it myself recently.
Because you talked so much about "trannys" and not wanting to "suck of a man" I wanted to talk about something that was hurting my reboot until recently.

I really had to learn to divoce my sexuality from pornography (I am bisexual), porn was really hurting my way of thinking about what I really like and what I do not like.
One thing, it is not something to be ashamed of maybe liking girls with dicks, or being with a man sexually, as long as it is something you are honestly into.
All I want to say is, dont necessarily think about transexuals, or sex with man as something that made you "dirty" in some way because it did not.

But probably from what you are saying you would probably define yourself as a heterosexual male. So maybe porn just made you deviate from what you normally find pleasureable, this does not mean you are a degenerate or something now. But this might mean you just went too far away from what you would like without porn and thats why you feel so bad.

I hope I made sense, tell me if I didnt.

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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #14 on: March 07, 2019, 04:13:38 PM »
Yeah I got to the point where I'm not even attracted to beautiful women anymore
I mean I still think they're hot but my body just doesn't respond and I know its my fault and I fucked up

I'm comfortable of talking about fetishes I have like foot fetish and even bestiality
But shemales are actually dudes and the fact that I'd rather fuck a dude dressed as a girl than a girl is fucked

What hurts the most is when I talk to a beautiful girl and I'm emotionally and sexually detached from her because
I watch shemale porn

It makes me wanna kill myself and so ashamed...


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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #15 on: March 07, 2019, 04:33:04 PM »
Day 15:

Had some very dark thoughts last night but this morning my dick felt a little more alive and I felt really good
Its weird but it looks like I'm feeling what my dick is feeling

I woke up, had a good chest workout then went for a 50 min walk outside listening to music and I felt better than usual


I think I forgot to take my Venlafaxine the last 2 days and it doesn't seem to have made a difference
I'm gunna stop taking it completely and see how it goes cause I think it affects sex drive

I don't wanna be on medication if I don't need to


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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #16 on: March 08, 2019, 12:53:43 PM »
Day 16:

Had my first wet dream but didn't cum so idk if you call that a wet dream
Woke up to the sound of my little brother's girlfriend moaning really loud
If there was no laws I would have walked downstairs, took a rope and strangled him to death
But I didn't really do anything except cry for like 3 mins

I'm gunna leave and go move to Alberta pretty soon if I get the job there
Hopefully I won't see anyone I know for at least a year after that
I've got friends here but I really don't give a shit if I ever see them again
I just wanna feel better

I feel so much pain and sadness
Its so fucking deep that when I cry I just can't get it all out even after crying for 20 minutes
I think I must have buried that sadness and sexual frustration for so many years using porn

I have so much time by myself to think about thoughts that fuck me
Yesterday I felt so good and had hope but not right now
I'm not even horny and the sexual frustration is that bad I can't imagine in 3 weeks...
fuck

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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #17 on: March 08, 2019, 02:56:20 PM »
All I can say is be patient and trust the process. Of course, everything that reminds you of sex, like the sound of your brother's gf is extremely annoying but try to reframe it. I mean, I don't know how your relationship is with your brother, but be happy that he didn't develop the same problems like you did.

Stay focused!
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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #18 on: March 09, 2019, 01:42:53 PM »
I haven't talked to my brother since 2018 and even then it was like once every couple months, never liked him and probably never will, I'd de happy if he could just die to be honest. I don't hate anybody else in my life its just him and believe me I tried to get along with him so many times but it doesn't work.

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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #19 on: March 09, 2019, 02:02:12 PM »
Day 17:

Got a morning wood that lasted like 15 mins and I'm feeling so fucking goood
I think I'm so connected with my dick that all those years I was depressed were cause my dick was depressed

I realized that my depression has been directly proportional to my porn use
The more porn I use, the more my dick get numb, and the more I get numb and depressed

I've been so stupid but at least now I know
I can't fucking believe how blinded I was by my porn use
Even when I rebooted last time and got better I relapsed and still kept watching it




I'm starting to feel everything again
Emotions and shit
Beginning to feel less like a brain dead fucking porn junkie

Fuck I got hope now





I'm gunna try to stop being a little whining bitch from now on and appreciate what I got
I have a nice dick that works and that's all I can ask for









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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #20 on: March 10, 2019, 12:44:37 PM »
Day 18:

I jacked off a little in bed this morning but didn't cum.
I regret doing it but I didn't really set any ground rule for my reboot except for not looking at porn

My reboot has been going pretty well but its gunna require some effort from now on
I will try not to jerk off at least till I have my first wet dream then I will see from there

I'll probably allow myself to jerk off once a week without porn when the urge comes naturally

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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #21 on: March 11, 2019, 04:58:48 PM »
Day 19:

Went to a massage and I had some precum going on
Not sure if I was gunna bust at nut at some point but I didn't
Felt so good I had to give her 30 bucks of tip

I don't really have any urges to jerk off but I'm horny sometimes
Me and my cock are feeling alive again
Feels good

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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #22 on: March 12, 2019, 03:51:20 PM »
Day 20:

Didn't have a morning wood this morning which is weird
My dick is feeling dead
I think it has to do with what happened yesterday
I feel like I got set back in my reboot a little but its alright














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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #23 on: March 13, 2019, 11:12:34 PM »
Day 21:

Had a headache due to Venlafaxine withdrawals in the morning
I scratched my car against my brother's girlfriend's car and left big marks
Someone at work burned me pretty bad with a hot spatula for no reason
But damn it was a good day

There's a new girl at work she's cute
It was so hard to work I just kept thinking about her and still am right now
I always wanted to have her near me and kept talking to her
I just wanna kiss her, hold her tight and eat her pussy


I'm not thinking about shemales anymore and when I do I think its a little weird and I'm not turned on
I just want a connection with a girl even if its not sexual

My dick/libido is doing pretty well
Also not related but I just trimmed my beard that I haven't touched in over 7 months and I'm looking less homeless




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Re: Shemale Addiction
« Reply #24 on: March 16, 2019, 09:23:52 PM »
Day 24:

Last night was so fucked up I asked the girl at work if she wanted to go smoke a joint after work and I did but then I asked
her if I could kiss her and she said yes but it was really awkward and she wasn't really enjoying it and me neither...
I even asked her if she wanted to fuck but idk what she answered but she told me she thought I was cute

I don't even smoke weed anymore cause it makes me wanna kill myself but I knew she smoked so I used that to try to fuck her (that was my coworker's idea that i regret now)

Also she's only 15 and I felt so fucking bad afterwards that I stayed high in my car and cried for 1 hour
I was so high yesterday that I was hungover all day today and wanted to kill myself still

I wasn't even horny and I asked her if she wanted to fuck... wtf is wrong with me

I told her everything about my porn addiction and the fact that I'm depressed and I've been suicidial and I take antidepressant and even texted her that I cried for 1 hour in my car after she left I'm so fucked up FUCK
She didn't respond and must feel awkward as fuck.

I'm gunna see her at work in a couple days I don't know what I should say about this whole thing but fuck me I feel so bad ashamed and fucked up I wanna kill myself everytime I think about this and I don't know if this is my mind fucking with me or I must really feel that way but fuck I'm gunna stop writing right now cause probably no one is going to read this shit till the end anyway.