Author Topic: Not sure where to start  (Read 715 times)

Rookie

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Not sure where to start
« on: February 20, 2019, 09:43:41 PM »
Found this place as most did, by finding YBOP due to some concerns of possible ED.
Only cracked into my 40's (42). Married to an extremely beautiful wife (looks like Kristen Bell and built like her too). I didn't think I was addicted to porn, since I could go days without PMO. Depending on how busy my life was. I NEVER look for ways out of work, or social activities to find P. Other activities will ALWAYS come before.

PMO was ALWAYS my last resort, if I was either bored and if I knew it was going to be days till my next sexual episode with my wife. I went to the gym regularly, till I hurt my knees and tailbone. Now, I can't even do 2 squats without knee pain. So you might say, the exercise, is non existent.
I was thinking this may be part of the problem, that my heart is not necessarily failing, but I'm not in shape like I was.

My erections are not as strong as they were. Though my wife gives me a compliment on the hardness (I'm not sure if she's trying to encourage a moderately hard penis to being harder, or if it actually is).  I have only been able to not orgasm twice in our 14 yr marriage that I can remember while having sex.

Now the hard part, she's been on SSRI's for almost 4 yrs, which is killing her emotional side, sex drive is all but gone. Sex is only once a month now (or less), and my sex drive is still high (with weak erections till orgasm, which at that point, it's hard). And I'm starting to either suffer from premature ejaculation, or, the sex has been so random and infrequent, that it doesn't last long anymore. I have seen as little as 3 - 5 minutes and done (not including foreplay).

I was always able to hold out on PMO if I suspected we were going to have sex within the next few days (last time was Feb 18th for PMO) and I have no doubt I can hold out till Feb 22 - 24th (she's on her period and hinted at sex).

Now, with all that said, here's my question, that after reading a few other posts, I always thought, that if I PMO'd to keep it "fresh" and only hold out masturbation till a couple of days before sex, so it would last was the way to keep our sex episodes lasting longer, I'm starting to think I had the wrong approach.

I have to admit, it's refreshing to see I'm not the only one struggling with this addiction (I might be less frequent than some, I'm usually under an hour when I do PMO) but it's still stronger than I am at times.

Pcpowder

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Re: Not sure where to start
« Reply #1 on: February 21, 2019, 03:29:15 PM »
Hi Rookie,

Welcome.  I found this site about 2 months ago and it has helped a ton.  For the first 2 weeks, I found myself on this site, along with YBOP, reading stories and researching non-stop which was a huge part of staying clean. 

Your story is similar to mine in that I used PMO to fill in the gaps between my sex drive (higher) and my wives (lower)  If she turned down sex, I just took care of myself.  However, I would often experience the chaser effect and even after sex with my wife I would go to PMO chasing the dopamine fix. She also travels extensively for work which leaves me a lot of alone time in the house which would leave me PMO'ing for hours when she was gone. 

I'm on day 55 with no P, no PMO, and no MO.  While I have suffered through urges to look at P and PMO, they have been less frequent and less strong than I initially thought they would be.  However, the urge to MO between sessions with my wife has been the toughest part for me, which it sounds like it might be the same for you. 

With giving up PMO (my wife has no idea) I put more pressure on my wife for sex and tried to instigate it more often in trying to fill in the need for sexual release with sex, versus PMO.  I totally went about it the wrong way, and my advances came across as being "needy" which was a total turn-off for her.  When she would deny me I became very frustrated and almost angry at her and was full of resentment.  This was totally unfair as this is my addiction and problem, not hers.  I also found my self doing "extra" things for her, paying extra attention and in return i was expecting more sex from her.  When she still turned me down the cycle of resentment and anger continued which made the situation much worse. 

I switched strategies and mindset a week or two ago and I think I am starting to see the benefits.  While I believe I have a great marriage and we are very much in love, there is always something to work on after 10 years together (married for 5).   I now focus on doing "extra" things for her and extra attention/flirting as a form of returning love, support, and relationship support,  rather than just an activity just to get more sex.  Realizing your wife is on SSI"s that add's to a lack of sex drive for her and my wife is not.  I have come to believe my wife's lack of drive has more to do with what I was /was not doing in the relationship than any actual true lack of sex drive.  As they say, women need to feel safe, secure, connected and almost turned on all day in order to want sex.  For me, I just need to have a full stomach to want sex...feed me, fuck me and I'll be happy....LOL

I have struggled with ED (learned recently it's most likely PIED) since my mid-to-late 20's.  The PIED has gotten much worse in the last 4-6 years and I mostly turn to ED meds to deal with it.  I would think your PE and weaker erections does have everything to do with your P and PMO.  I found when I was struggling to get it up and it was consuming my mind during the act and when I finally got hard enough to have penetrative sex I would ejaculate quickly as well.  I think after a reboot of however long it takes which might be longer than 90 days, your full strength boners will return and you'll get harder faster and your PE will dimish. 

For me having sex with my wife has made it much easier in fighting my urges, not only to P but particularly MO.  When it goes days/weeks in between having sex with my wife, the battle gets extremely tough. 

Just my 2 cents that i hope help.  Good luck, come here and post often. 
« Last Edit: February 21, 2019, 04:30:48 PM by Pcpowder »

Rookie

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Re: Not sure where to start
« Reply #2 on: February 21, 2019, 08:26:48 PM »
I have a general question, mostly for the married men on the forum. When your wife repeatedly turns you down for sex (whether the frequency is once every 2 - 3 days, or once a week, once a month or less). I have seen myself get turned down 19 out of 20 advances...(guestimate here obviously)

How do you deal with the frustration of fighting PMO (we all know the struggle) and keep your cool with your wife (most don't even know the struggle we have) since it's not her addiction (and she probably doesn't know about the addiction either), and we "suffer" for a lack of better wording in our desire for sex, but nothing. I know, in my experience, I try to convey I'm fine when I'm turned down, after giving her a 30 minute foot/leg and back rub and just getting wound up...and then she turns around and says "thanks, I'm going to bed now"...

I have to admit, I'm not fine, but I don't want to set her anxiety up, since she has been suicidal 3 times since 2016, she struggles with depression, anxiety, bipolar 2, and she's on SSRI's. She's also working full time, since we can't survive on my salary alone.

Looking for some advice here.

Thanks in advance.

Rookie

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Re: Not sure where to start
« Reply #3 on: February 21, 2019, 09:59:14 PM »
Last post of the evening.

I have to admit, just being on this forum, seeing the success stories of people that PMO'd much, much more than me, posting their successes of 3 days clean gives me huge encouragement. And I read a few successes of a year or more. I honestly didn't think it was possible, for an addict, to literally give it up for good. Congrats to them!!! Hopefully I will also be one of those success stories

I have only gone 3 days, but I feel like it's almost a competition in a sense. You don't want to come back on the forum with the humility of saying "I relapsed", though there wouldn't be judgment from other members, it would be a walk with the tail between the legs.

This may be the extra nudge I needed to finally quit.

Corey_Balboa

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Re: Not sure where to start
« Reply #4 on: February 22, 2019, 03:23:10 AM »
I have a general question, mostly for the married men on the forum. When your wife repeatedly turns you down for sex (whether the frequency is once every 2 - 3 days, or once a week, once a month or less). I have seen myself get turned down 19 out of 20 advances...(guestimate here obviously)

How do you deal with the frustration of fighting PMO (we all know the struggle) and keep your cool with your wife (most don't even know the struggle we have) since it's not her addiction (and she probably doesn't know about the addiction either), and we "suffer" for a lack of better wording in our desire for sex, but nothing. I know, in my experience, I try to convey I'm fine when I'm turned down, after giving her a 30 minute foot/leg and back rub and just getting wound up...and then she turns around and says "thanks, I'm going to bed now"...

I have to admit, I'm not fine, but I don't want to set her anxiety up, since she has been suicidal 3 times since 2016, she struggles with depression, anxiety, bipolar 2, and she's on SSRI's. She's also working full time, since we can't survive on my salary alone.

Looking for some advice here.

Thanks in advance.

Hey Rookie,

First of all welcome in this weird community. I really think that the fact of starting a journal is showing a clear message to ourselves that we want,and we have the strength to make this better in our lives. You and your wife have been struggling with tough things. We all need to comply with some frustration coming from our SO, as they don't understand this new urge and attitude. We have to deal with it, unfortunately, behind our cure there is a reconstruction of our relationship because our previous functioning included PMO. I'm like you, at the beginning, about a month of NoP and 20 days of no MO. I can see it brings confusion in my couple, me asking more than the once or twice a week and always horny. I try to transform it into snuggles and tender moments. I can't say it works yet but I keep the faifth.
This forum is honestly a good way to calm down a bit. Yes some of the stories can trigger you but the suffering and the questions you can read brings back more rational thoughts.

This is really the big difference between single and married guys here. The singles have to deal with a libido that, without any encounter with another soul, should remain until at least 90 days and beyond. The married guys live with the frustration of having opportunities that imply to reconsider the clockwork of their couple, with the ultimate risk that it would hurt the relationship with their loved one. I have no idea which position I would prefer if I had a choice. But here we are, dealing with this stuff. Do we have choices ? no. So be it and let's do the shit.

Pcpowder

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Re: Not sure where to start
« Reply #5 on: February 22, 2019, 12:59:55 PM »
I really struggle when my wife repeatedly turns me down.  I feel so rejected and thoughts start going throughly head of "why does she not want to sleep with me", is she not attracted to me anymore?  I get filled with Anger and resentment. 

It has helped me to change how i look at instigating sex with my wife.  It sounds like you would give her a massage to communicate you where ok with not having sex, but really it was a covert contract that you where expecting it because you gave her a massage?  I would do the exact same thing.  I quit doing things like a massage if i found myself expecting sex in return, but would do a massage (or whatever else) if it was out of love, caring or support with no expectation of sex.  This really helped me.  The frustration and sexual build up is still there, especially without PMO, but i find it to be less. 


Rookie

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Re: Not sure where to start
« Reply #6 on: February 23, 2019, 09:20:27 PM »
Well, seems this reboot is going to take more discipline than I ever imagined  :-\ 
Enter relapse 1 already. I was good from Feb 18th, then Feb 23rd, my wife was in the mood. Needless to say, I didn't turn her down. It was great, she didn't stimulate me at all, and yep, Pedro was ready. That being said, I drove her to work, and made the mistake of coming home, alone, for 8 hrs. The temptation was too strong.

What I would like to know, is after a brief abstinence (5 days), and then sex. Why the heck was I twice as horny within 3 hrs of sex with my wife, and I was going half mast, with no relief. Is this normal? I could easily have gone for a good round 2 with her within a couple of hours, but I doubt she would have been game.

Gonna need advice here.

joepanic

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Re: Not sure where to start
« Reply #7 on: February 25, 2019, 01:01:23 PM »
Hey Rookie

                         You ran into what is known in this community as the "chaser effect"   after you made out with the wife   there are still some psychological  after affects of wanting more   its pretty natural and normal  but  you have to  be aware of it and be prepared to work around it   it could last several hours or even days   I dont fully understand it  but I am aware of it  and i do find ways to work around it

    Its great you came here to get a start on a better life   it will be a learning curve though  so don't beat yourself up over any hiccups along the way   It has taken me over a year  but I am on my 3rd serious reboot   and am now at 85 days and can really feel the difference   I'll be glad to give you any insight  that I can

    Cheers

    Post often it helped me it will help you

Rookie

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Re: Not sure where to start
« Reply #8 on: February 25, 2019, 05:27:07 PM »
Here's another question, when you guys are posting your streaks, like yourself at 85 days. Is that without sex as well? Though my wife as of late, seems to be much more intimate (just starting this past weekend), there are sometimes she's not. But I seriously doubt she would go that long without it as well.

Or is the 85 days just without PMO?

BeerMan

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Re: Not sure where to start
« Reply #9 on: February 25, 2019, 06:49:33 PM »
I am on day 59.  I just cut out PMO and MO.  My wife has no idea I am doing this so I couldn't cut out sex with her altogether.   It was only maybe 2 months before I started this journey that started showing signs of ED.  She was super cool about it and was willing to do whatever she needed to help me.  She actually helped out a great deal during my reboot because we kept our regular sex routine until my issue resolved itself.   She turns me on like crazy now and my soldier salutes her just like it's supposed to. 

Rookie

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Re: Not sure where to start
« Reply #10 on: March 01, 2019, 07:08:12 PM »
Well, this week was a write off. All week, it's been stress, boredom and a few other factors that don't help someone trying to reboot and kick the PMO addiction.
Starting again fresh tomorrow. Hopefully this time, I'll be a bit more focused and when the temptation gets too strong, I MUST leave the house. Another factor, I will have to wake up a bit later. I have about 30 minutes of leisure time in the morning (wake up at 530am and leave at 7am).

I have to say, kudos to the folks here that are able to keep long streaks going, this is going to take some work and strength. Never realized how strong this addiction was, even though I can hold out for a few days, when I crash, I crash hard...

Rookie

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Re: Not sure where to start
« Reply #11 on: March 10, 2019, 11:49:00 AM »
Last week was tough, a couple of slip ups. Wife was away on a business trip for 3 days, and that didn't help at all. So today, 4 days without PMO. Her emotions are all over the place and she's addicted to her phone. So I get barely any attention or affection. I'm hoping staying out of her way for a little bit, will calm her down, and me only coming online to either watch my hockey games, emails, this forum and a quick check on FB, then get out of the computer room.

Her not giving me attention (due to her phone addiction and her meds) might be the help that I need.

I have to say again, you don't realize how addicted you are, till you try to go a few days without. Before it was easy, since I knew I would fall again to either PMO or sex. But now, no guarantee of sex...I am far more addicted than previously thought. Might not be on the high frequency, however, on the dependency...

Rookie

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Re: Not sure where to start
« Reply #12 on: March 13, 2019, 04:16:50 PM »
Finally made it to day 7 without PMO, surprisingly, not much for temptation. The struggle will start to get worse as time goes on I'm sure. But for now, it has been a half decent week.

The big progress I have noticed already, less objectifying of women. Not visualizing them nude as I did in the past. Hopefully this gets even better with time.

workinprogressUK

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Re: Not sure where to start
« Reply #13 on: March 14, 2019, 09:44:53 AM »
Finally made it to day 7 without PMO, surprisingly, not much for temptation. The struggle will start to get worse as time goes on I'm sure. But for now, it has been a half decent week.

Congrats. Good work. Glad you're feeling the benefits. I read one of your earlier posts where you asked "how people manage longer streaks". When I've been lucky enough to achieve one, it's been because I was able to fill my life with other stuff that really gave me a buzz; reconnecting relationships, new hobbies, working towards achievements, learning new skills, you know? There's a recovery book by a cool therapist called Paula Hall and she proposes a structure for "life balance". I think it's important because if all we do is stop dedicating 60% of our brain's output to P and similar, and don't backfill it with something else.... that vacuum's eventually going to get filled one way or another and the most likely filler is P. You're doing great, Rookie. Keep fighting!

Rookie

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Re: Not sure where to start
« Reply #14 on: March 15, 2019, 08:31:49 PM »
Well this evening was a tough one. Work was great, did groceries and came home wanting to relax. Moment of weakness, slipped in P for about 10 minutes and just couldn't walk away. Thankfully, the very small streak I have of no MO,I held strong to keep that streak going.
Being home alone, when wife is working, most definitely not recommended.

Hopefully I can keep the MO streak going, but now is where I have not been before, I have not gone 9 days without PMO in about 15 yrs that I can remember. I may have gone longer, but it was only a handful of times. I lost the battle with P, but still strong with the other 2.

cranm329

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Re: Not sure where to start
« Reply #15 on: March 16, 2019, 11:18:28 AM »
You're doing well. Don't say that the battle is lost it was just a counter attack by the addiction. Is it possible to learn how the P triggered you? Press on and step forward.

Rookie

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Re: Not sure where to start
« Reply #16 on: March 18, 2019, 05:02:49 AM »
Well, spoke too soon. Had a few triggers, and this weekend was a total crash and burn. On the positive, I can't remember the last time I had a 9 day stretch without PMO. Today is a fresh start, and plan on making it much longer than 9 days. My in-laws are supposedly visiting us from a few thousand kilometers, and the wife has a list of things for me to do. Hopefully this list will keep me busy.

Then, I plan on joining the gym again, as well as martial arts. Wife may not like that I'm out of the house often, and I wish I could tell her what is going on. But she's dealing with her own demons right now, with depression and bipolar. I'm just hoping to exhaust myself so much, that when I am home, I'm too tired to view anything, and when it's an off night of activities, my wife will have some sort of affection drive for me.

That's been the toughest, being a guy in this world, with women wearing spandex and whatever else, summer coming....I wish I could live in a camp without internet.

jixu

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Re: Not sure where to start
« Reply #17 on: March 18, 2019, 05:51:49 AM »
  You are doing way better than you are giving yourself credit for.  Keep looking for replacement activities (physical and cognitive) and keep going.   

workinprogressUK

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Re: Not sure where to start
« Reply #18 on: March 18, 2019, 06:00:51 AM »
Today is a fresh start, and plan on making it much longer than 9 days.

That's like 9 days dieting and one day off. It's money in the bank. You make progress every time. It will get easier.

Rookie

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Re: Not sure where to start
« Reply #19 on: March 18, 2019, 05:23:00 PM »
Thanks for the words of encouragement guys. For 2 days I have been in agonizing guilt...but with your comments, and encouragement, I now see it as progress.

Thanks for following up on my posts. You have no idea how much it means.

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Re: Not sure where to start
« Reply #20 on: March 24, 2019, 12:41:52 PM »
Well last week was tough. Not sure what was going through my mind, except someone struggling with an addiction, craving and craving.
I'm on day 2 of another reboot. And I have to say, yesterday and today, I have kept so busy that I'm not even remotely interested.
My wife on the other hand, has been less than supportive in anything I'm trying to do. When helping her with her own issues (depression, body dysmorphia, work, dogs, her parents coming here in a couple of months from about 2000 km away and the list goes on) I completely lose track of my own issues. I can't tell her about my addiction, that would send her over the edge (either suicide, divorce, or whatever).

Unfortunately, this forum is my only escape. It's too embarrassing to bring up with anyone in my circle of Christian brothers and sisters, and of my non Christian circle, the only support I have is "well, it's better than cheating"...which on this board, we know is a lie.

I'm halfway to a depression myself, money is tight, she wants to fix up and paint a few things (we have the money, but it's coming out of the emergency fund she doesn't know we have, since she's a huge spender) before her parents get here.

Sorry for ranting on non PMO related things, I just have no one else to talk to. Everyone locally, friends and family are biased, either toward her (they don't realize how much I do around here) or they are biased with me (they think I do too much for her).

If you're still reading, I'll end now for today.

Cheers and hopefully I get to the end of today, with no PMO at all.

Rookie

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Re: Not sure where to start
« Reply #21 on: March 24, 2019, 02:17:51 PM »
Just a quick question here, how many folks here, do your partners know about your addiction and have their support, and how many are doing this in secret due to embarrassment, or as with my wife and I, both myself, embarrassed and my wife has huge, huge insecurities (though I keep telling her, for a woman in her 40's, she looks and is built like she just crawled in her 20's...)

cranm329

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Re: Not sure where to start
« Reply #22 on: March 24, 2019, 03:04:00 PM »
I did a full disclosure last year and we still have, sometimes difficult, open talks about where we both are and what we hope for. To keep secrets is IMO unfair to both partners and does not help with dealing with the addiction.

MosesY

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Re: Not sure where to start
« Reply #23 on: March 24, 2019, 04:30:46 PM »
My porn use was a huge part of what led to my divorce. My wife knew I had some problems with porn but she had no idea the extent of it. If you read the book "Your Brain on Porn" it explains what happens to the addicted brain. In my life I have found that all my sins will be found out sooner or later. I find that my divorce was what I needed to get my life straightened out. With my new found freedom I delved into porn and alcohol until I finally bottomed out. I think that understanding what porn really does to you is a huge help in overcoming it.

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Re: Not sure where to start
« Reply #24 on: March 26, 2019, 04:19:14 PM »
Day 4 of yet another reboot. So far been going strong and busy with activities away from my computer. Just incredibly tired and frustrated with all the porn can deliver (deceivingly, and all false love and we know the rest of it), but as I read in someone else's post, everything is right there, and a fantasy and based on one's taste, there is a woman built for exactly what you're looking for.

As suggested by some other members, I will bring it up with my wife. I will however, have to see my psychologist a couple of times, to see how I can bring it up, and how to deal with the backlash.

I agree with the previous posts, that it's not fair to her if she doesn't know the struggle, however, for now, I can't even bring up finances without causing her an anxiety attack, or even ask her what is for supper. Her anxiety is so fragile currently, I do everything so she can relax.