Author Topic: Personal Journel  (Read 492 times)

Skins23

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Personal Journel
« on: March 22, 2019, 08:59:20 AM »
Day 3.  It’s friday so the start of any weekend can be a triggering time due to more of an open schedule/free time.  Going to brother for dinner tonight and looking forward to seeing him and his kids.  Did my morning meditation and now journaling.  Feeling rather good at present moment.  Making peace with my recovery.  My format is to journel at least once a day and acknowledge three wins, how I’m feeling, any dangers or threats for day and how to overcome.  lastly why am I choosing to stay sober today. 

With that said today I’m staying sober and working my recovery because I’m worth it.  Yes that’s right I’m enough just the way I am.  Will check in later with wins..

So back from my brothers place and had a great visit.  Did have some minor urges this evening and I think I’m just tirec so going to bed soon.  Regarding my wins that I’d like to share for today. 
Win1 saw family today and spent quality time together. 
Win2 worked my program by meditating, being social with family and journaling. 
Win3 no dessert with dinner

I’ll check in tomorrow..

3/23/19

Slept well and had a decent meditation this morning.  Found I wasn’t as grounded as other days in meditation.  Just a mental note to self.  Today possible threats meeting a women for dinner and movie.  Will check in with group later to report how things went.  I’m choosing to stay sober today to develop those parts of myself that haven’t matured due to addiction to internet.  Anxiety level a little higher than normal.  No depression type feelings now.  I’ll report back as stated with how my day went and my three wins. 

Home now and doing ok. Had a date that went bust but that’s ok.  Feeling safe and checking in.  Wins today:
Win 1: didn’t act out after being stood up
Win2: managed anger from being stood up by blasting rock music and allowing myself to feel the anger and rage
Win3: didn’t go into shame spiral but rather worked through emotions and talking/writing about it aka being accountable

3/24/19

Rode motorcycles with my group today.  I did get separated so came home early and was able to take a much needed nap. 
Win1: didn’t act out all weekend which is part of my pattern.
Win2: practiced self care w nap and meditation
Win3: communicated with my cousins today.  Haven’t done this in awhile.  Felt connected.

I forget to state earlier that the reason I’m Staying sober today is to prove to myself that I can go all weekend! 

3/25/19

6 days within it PMO and made it through weekend.  Trying to be more intentional I. My actions and thoughts.  I’m staying sober today so I can be my best self at work and in personal relationships.  Feeling excited for my meetings today.  Will check back later tonight w my 3 wins. 

Dang I feel better than I did last week!  So much more engaged at work and with relationship with self. 
Win1: spoke up about a work affair that I felt I wasnt treated right on
Win2: was asked by coworker to see movie this week - I believe a result of me acting different/more present and available
Win3: found myself doing positive self talk today more naturally vs having an argument w self with self talk.  Good day overall and in recovery.
Win3:

3/26/19

One week of no PMO.  Today threats are lunch with two highly important clients so I need to stay grounded and connected to recovery.  Possible anxiety and stress that can bring on urges.  Today I’m working my recovery to be the best employee I can be.  I want to have a successful year and prove to myself I’m good at my job. 

Full day and I’m tired and a little anxious.  Going to bed soon but wanted to share my wins for today.
Win1: Saw my buddy Mitch today who helps me w bike.  Felt conncpected to him and we had a nice 2 hr visit.
Win2: had a biz lunch w client today and didn’t find myself in shame spiral after.  This is common and I credit myself dealing w the feeling better.  Also had plans all day so no time to go into a spiral.
Win3: sticking to diet.  Have lost 26 lbs total and have motivation. To continue w this self care.  I do want to look into service work somewhere.  Doesn’t need to be w a 12 step program.  Maybe volunteering for pet adoptions.  We’ll see..

3/27/19

Felt some anxiety when I woke up today so I made sure to meditate first thing.  Continuing this practice has been refreshing and grounding.  Gets be into my body and most importantly out of my head.  Potential threats today are the networking event I have from 12 to 3:00.  I’m not a natural networker so my plan is to stay business talking to others and to have a goal to connect with a minimum of 3 people.  I have a list of folks I’d like to meet as well.  I’m staying sober today because this past week has been transformative.  I’ve been feeling both fears, pain but also joy and happiness.  Point is I’m feeling emotions and they aren’t killing me!  Will check back in with wins etc.

Today has been a little more rough.  Anxiety levels have raised and I do believe the daily meditations have helped or I’d most likely be stressing out even more.  They seem manageable as long as I’m sticking to my program and continuing to journal.
Win1: positive networking event today at Mason and have good actions steps.  Maybe that’s why anxiety has risen?
Win2: sticking to limited TV watching.  Been reading more and finding others ways to be entertained.
Win3: haven’t found myself plotting to PMO like I generally do particularly at end of month when work is busy/stressful.  I need to be aware of month ending and in this case “celebrating” a lucrative month by PMO.  I should think of other ways to celebrate and try and not have it come from a place of entitlement.   

3/28/19
Woke up early today but still feel rested.  Maybe the meditations have helped me receive deeper sleep.  Last night was closer to 6 hr vs my normal 7.5/8 hrs.  Possible treats today: end of month and having a good month so need to be aware of any entitlement type thoughts/feelings.  My patten is to celebrate w PMO.  Journaling helps keep this in front of me so I can prepare.  Today I’m staying sober because I’ve continuously and slowly been improving the past 9 days without PMO. I’d like to stay on this path.  Will check in later.
So tired tonight so will turn in soon. 
Win1: spent time w co worker for lunch and movie and had fun w her
Win2: practiced good self care this evening by changing bed sheetsir better rest and eating healthy
Win3: been real conscious of porn flashes and haven’t been staring at women or lusting over body parts.  This has been key and I believe this practice will help with intensity of urges. 

3/29/19

Just finished a mediation and wasn’t able to go as deep this time.  Was thinking about being hungry but the thinking is what the problem was I was in my head but did manage to relax a little.  Possible threats today are only one meeting and end of month.  Need plans for today and hope to riding my bike this afternoon as weather looks promising.  Today I’m staying sober to be fully present for my weekend plans w nieces and bros FIL.

4/1/19

I had a total of 3 x PMO, 1 on Friday evening and 2 on Saturday.  These have been recorded on my calendar.  Recording them will be helpful in tracking any potential patterns.  It numbed me out and left me feeling unmotivated.  Such a shift from how I felt all week working my program and feeling so much better.  I will continue in my reboot.  Progress not perfection.  Threats today are slower day at work and therefore more unstructured time.  I’m staying sober today to get back on track to feeling alive again. 
Still feeling lazy I my mind since I had the slips.  Didn’t feel like journaling but I know I have to. 
Win1: made it through second day without PMO
Win2: worked full day despite slow for work
Win3: getting back into my recovery program

4/2/19

Not feeling like going to work but the alternative is staying home being lazy and all the can lead to slipping w PMO.  Potential threats today, slow work day, recent slip, been in my head.  Need to meditate.  I’m staying sober today not be I want to but be I know if I do I’ll get my mind back on track and feel motivated which is not the way I’m feeling now.
Win1: made it through day w no PMO
Win2: progress at work / halfway there w numbers for month = less stress
Win3: read book and made appt w Mitch for bike

4/3/19

Feeling a little better today but still need to acknowledge that my motivation has slowed since this weekends PMO x 3 which is still a win that I didn’t go into full relapse mode.  Today I’m staying sober to be present this weekend when riding and seeing sister and for meditation group I’d like to attend. 
« Last Edit: April 03, 2019, 06:47:19 AM by Skins23 »

40-yearsOnVideoPorn

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Re: Personal Journel
« Reply #1 on: March 22, 2019, 01:08:31 PM »
Right on, brother! You sound good. We’re all behind you 100%.