Author Topic: How I started the ruin of my life  (Read 91 times)

The Baddest

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How I started the ruin of my life
« on: February 12, 2019, 03:47:13 AM »
I just wanted to let my feelings out about how I started. While reading success stories I remembered how It all started for me.
I think a big part of it started in the month holidays between 10th and 11th grade. I already knew what porn was. But until then I was not much into it. I used to watch scenes on youtube. I also have vague memories of discussing porn with my friends and male cousins.
I also have been sexually abused twice in my childhood. Once by a neighbor and other time by a cousin. I hate them so much inside.
Anyway It was during this holidays that we got a cable TV. I used to love watching movies on it. Bot mma and papa are working individuals so I was alone in the house as my Sister was also gone to the university at the time. That TV movies , cartoons was endless novelty for me. I didn't knew why was hooked then but now I know. I used to M at any chance I got. 2 months just went by.
In 11th grade I chose Science and was really enjoying the subjects but never really had the energy or drive to do anything so I got very bad grades. Back then we did not have any high speed internet yet. Only TV. But the urges were so strong.  The only place for me to watch P was by using papa's phone so I used to steal his phone when HE was asleep. I stole his phone almost everyday for about a year or more.
I never liked P then. was getting off to scenes on youtube.
Anyway, wanting to improve my life i starting to follow an advice article on the Internet based on healthy lifestyle like drinking as much water as you can and eating less and sleeping at a fixed time and waking up early. I put my all into it because my 12th exams were approaching and I was having brainfog all the time in the whole 11th and 12th period- unable to concentrate and confused all the time. I took control of my life , I was a bright student before 11th so my inner monk returned. The result of this streak was that I was the highest scorer in my class in 2 subjects. and cracked every national aptitude exam like for the Army, Engineering etc

But the underlying problem was low self esteem.
So the addiction started again when I went away from home. This time it got worse because I got my first smartphone.
I got so messed up away from home for the first time that I failed in exams. I was using P as an escape - from people from responsibilities, from work. I started cursing myself and criticised my self and everybody - my parents , my friends.
I tried reading a lot of "self help" books. But they were only effective for some time. I returned to P every effing time.
A year passed in college and I failed in exam once again solely due to PMO addiction. This time a big one. That is when I started to have serious suicidal thoughts. If not for my sister who is my lifeline I might have descended further and probably broke my self.
It was complete darkness.

All this while I thought I did not know how to make friends.
I got philosophical and even wrote a few songs.
But music was making me sadder and sadder. so I left it after writing about 7 - 8 songs.
Came back to college started working on how to make friends.

Jan 2019:

2nd week - No PMO, made friends, revived relationships with roommate, relapsed on 6th day(did not know what relapse was)
3rd week - discovered YBOP.com , Noah Church, and all these eye opening article, decided to go on NoFap for 1 week at a time.

8 Feb - relapsed in true sense of the term.

I was helpless and had forgotten everything good that had happened to me in this year (largest PMO streak in my life).
but now I will be a beast again. I will destroy these Neural pathways. They have taken too much from me. I will kill this addiction with my own bare hands.
I will improve my life because I deserve a better life than this thankless , dark life.
I will do it.
« Last Edit: February 12, 2019, 04:04:45 AM by The Baddest »

dday18

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Re: How I started the ruin of my life
« Reply #1 on: February 17, 2019, 09:35:06 AM »
Reading stories like this fills me with compassion. I'm female. Betrayed.  I'm in pain and I sometimes coil inward toward hate and despair but knowing how very hard this is for you guys just changes my internal channel from hate and self pity to compassion.
Thank you for sharing. Never give up. 
I wish you success over this.

hooked on monkey fonics

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Re: How I started the ruin of my life
« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2019, 12:45:34 PM »

I was helpless and had forgotten everything good that had happened to me in this year (largest PMO streak in my life).
but now I will be a beast again. I will destroy these Neural pathways. They have taken too much from me. I will kill this addiction with my own bare hands.
I will improve my life because I deserve a better life than this thankless , dark life.
I will do it.

I don't mean to sound pessimistic here but I can't even tell you how many times I've read paragraphs exactly like this where people assert with strong language that they will beat their PMO addiction into submission with their iron will and determination. It doesn't work 99.9% of the time and it's why the failure rate is so high.

What is your strategy? How are you going to prevent relapses in the future when you are sick, bored, and sleep deprived? How are you going to handle urges that constantly chip away at you until you give in?