Author Topic: Age 29, seen it all and still confused.  (Read 948 times)

Circle

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Age 29, seen it all and still confused.
« on: February 06, 2019, 12:16:39 PM »
TLDR: rebooted, relapsed, semi-rebooted, unexpectedly got a message from a fetish dating site that flooded my brain with dopamine, had sex the next day but feeling confused as to what to think.

Hey everyone, I'm currently on my third reboot. I first rebooted at 21, took my around 2.5 months to go from having PIED to having sex for the 1st time in my life. And doing it well too. But as the years went by porn crept back into my life. I lost perspective and assumed everything would be fine as I pmo'd back into my old lifestyle. Then it finally happened again, and last Feb I developed PIED while with my girlfriend. Horrified, I tried to blame it on anxiety, but after a month and a half I had to admit the real problem.

Fast forward 5 months later and I'm cured (attributing the longer time to having some sex and O's with my gf in that time) but deeply unhappy in my relationship. I realized that the PMO had more affect on me than I had ever realized. That it affected me not only in the chemistry of getting erections, but in the way I saw and reacted to women. I was much less attracted to her and although the sex got steadily better, I knew that if I had not been abusing PMO, I would never have entered a relationship with this woman. It was all about my addiction.

Out of desperation and loneliness I ended up binging on a site with a heavy BDSM aspect. Not porn, talking to real people around the world, but soon turned into a week-long sexting binge with a woman. After that, I was SUPER horny, but my dick couldn't get hard enough to penetrate my gf. She knew what was up, I didn't deny it this time, but I knew I couldn't keep on like this. We had horrible sex a few times where my dick just felt "off" and I came within a minute. I broke up with her a few weeks later.

So now I'm ready to hard mode reboot again and have a real, fulfilling relationship afterwards. Unfortunately I have a tougher time this go around. I never watch porn but I relapsed a few times by going on dominatrix sites and hiring a few. Or ending up MO'ing after. A couple times I feel great after a week or so of abstinence and then going out and flirting, talking and dancing with women, but I end up so horny in the morning that I MO and start the cycle over again.

I also have sex one time during this reboot, with a girl I always had a crush on. I'm extremely worried about not being able to perform and even turn her down but she insists and wouldn't you know it, It goes up and stays up. In the morning though, we try again and I'm up, but weakly. It's enough for it to work but I'm now traumatized again. The next day I think about her and relapse (MO).

Coming to the present day, I'm feeling pretty good. I'm to binging or relapsing anymore, focusing on women when I interact with them and feeling like my brain is rewiring at a decent rate. Then the unexpected happens. My phone buzzes, and I see I've gotten an response to an email I had sent to a woman I'd met on a fetish dating site months ago. I'd totally forgotten about it.

Just the sight of the email in my inbox floods my brain with dopamine. I'm instantly high and my chest is pounding at the thought of it and what it represents. I get a huge, tingling erection but I go and delete the email and my account. Still though, my brain feels different. The next morning I have enormous morning wood. the morning afterwards too. I message a girl who I had talked to about cuddling before and we make plans to get together that night & cuddle. No sex, just cuddling.

Of course it turns into sex and I have a 110% erection. There's no fantasizing, but the sex is pretty rough, which she loves. Interestingly, it's the opposite of what I had PMO'd to all those years, I'm the aggressor now. We have sex and I don't last long but it doesn't matter. The next morning I have huge morning wood again, my brain feels a bit more balanced. I'm not PMOing and I have no chaser. But my brain still feels fuzzy and I'm definitely attracted to the idea of what happened the night before.

Thanks if you read this gigantic tale. I'm confused and frustrated about what to do next. I want to feel that 100% natural, heart-pounding feeling of sexual attraction that I was working towards and had felt. But it's been such a long journey this time and I'm exhausted. It was amazing feeling myself at my full virility again. And I'm not fantasizing or PMO'ing - and I do still crave an actual loving connection with a woman. But am I totally set back? Can I have intercourse without it being rough and wild? I want to message the girl I hooked up with previously but I'm very scared I will fail and of explaining my problem. And I've got no one to tell all this to but you guys :).

Thanks again!

Rebooter2019

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Re: Age 29, seen it all and still confused.
« Reply #1 on: February 06, 2019, 12:38:28 PM »
Hey I want to welcome you here Circle!

For all this confusion, with your text I can understand that. What I think is that when you relapsed you kind of mix your old self with your current one. You kind of reactivate a dormant pathway of the porn addiction and now it starting to go all over the place.

Honestly, what I would do in your situation is to delete every dating app or stop using anything that will trigger a dopamine response for a while, maybe a month would be enough. The triggers include every social media that have picture or videos. That include youtube and even an erotica text(ie sexting) are triggers.

For the duration, like I said you should be good for only a month. Only if you do a reboot in hard mode. That's my opinion, because you need to take a step back. To see trough the confusion you must be able to see clearly first and the reboot will help in that.

Stay Strong and get started ;)

Circle

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Re: Age 29, seen it all and still confused.
« Reply #2 on: February 06, 2019, 02:30:02 PM »
Hey Rebooter thanks a lot :). My first reboot I was active a lot on the old Reuniting board. It really helped me. I should've done the same this time around, I would probably not have had all those relapses from Dec-Jan and would be fine by now!

That's how I feel too, kind of a fusion of the old and new sexual drive. Which is reassuring in that at least the new drive is still there. It's so frustrating to have gone through it for this long though. policing your thoughts and second guessing yourself all the time is exhausting. Plus of course you never really truly know for certain what's going on, you just have to go with how you feel until you prove to yourself that you're cured.

I've already done all that before this happened, deleted all my dating apps and have been avoiding images or videos of women of any kind since I started rebooting. I tried Tinder once and it didn't feel good & led to PMO. Really was an unexpected shock to get that email.

I'm glad you think only a month is necessary. Kind of how I'm feeling too given that this isn't really even close to the start of my reboot. Curious as to why you think that though, is that from your or someone else's experience? Or just your feeling?

Rebooter2019

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Re: Age 29, seen it all and still confused.
« Reply #3 on: February 06, 2019, 04:00:12 PM »
Hey Rebooter thanks a lot :). My first reboot I was active a lot on the old Reuniting board. It really helped me. I should've done the same this time around, I would probably not have had all those relapses from Dec-Jan and would be fine by now!

That's how I feel too, kind of a fusion of the old and new sexual drive. Which is reassuring in that at least the new drive is still there. It's so frustrating to have gone through it for this long though. policing your thoughts and second guessing yourself all the time is exhausting. Plus of course you never really truly know for certain what's going on, you just have to go with how you feel until you prove to yourself that you're cured.

I've already done all that before this happened, deleted all my dating apps and have been avoiding images or videos of women of any kind since I started rebooting. I tried Tinder once and it didn't feel good & led to PMO. Really was an unexpected shock to get that email.

I'm glad you think only a month is necessary. Kind of how I'm feeling too given that this isn't really even close to the start of my reboot. Curious as to why you think that though, is that from your or someone else's experience? Or just your feeling?

What's count is that you're here now and you will recover like you already did in the past. Policing your thoughts is exhausting, that I know. What helped me was meditation. Since I started, it's much easier to manage my thoughts. Usually in case of brain recovery and rewiring I prefer to take more time necessary than not enough.

Good idea, what I'm doing is removing everything that spike dopamine that isn't natural. Don't know if you could call it hard mode +, but that's what I do. That made me realise alot of things! And really help in the reboot process, less mood swing, less risk of having a drop in dopamine that may cause a relapse, etc....

1 or 2 month at most I think, cause even if you don't last long you can still have sex, plus you already rebooted. So your brain has already done it! It's easier to go back on a known track than on a brand new and potentially scary track. I got an intuition that you'd be able to have nice erection after that period, even though I would wait longer. To try to clean up my brain. Cause even If you can have sex doesn't mean your brain is completely rebooted! Could have some leftover somewhere. That's why I prefer to wait a little bit longer to call it a victory.

After that we still have to be aware of the PAWS. Apart from that you don't have, or should I say, you shouldn't have to stay hypervigilant to your thought. Just be aware of PAWS to be ready if they show up!

Hope that help! Cheers and stay strong we're in there together!

Circle

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Re: Age 29, seen it all and still confused.
« Reply #4 on: February 06, 2019, 04:14:24 PM »
Hey Rebooter thanks a lot :). My first reboot I was active a lot on the old Reuniting board. It really helped me. I should've done the same this time around, I would probably not have had all those relapses from Dec-Jan and would be fine by now!

That's how I feel too, kind of a fusion of the old and new sexual drive. Which is reassuring in that at least the new drive is still there. It's so frustrating to have gone through it for this long though. policing your thoughts and second guessing yourself all the time is exhausting. Plus of course you never really truly know for certain what's going on, you just have to go with how you feel until you prove to yourself that you're cured.

I've already done all that before this happened, deleted all my dating apps and have been avoiding images or videos of women of any kind since I started rebooting. I tried Tinder once and it didn't feel good & led to PMO. Really was an unexpected shock to get that email.

I'm glad you think only a month is necessary. Kind of how I'm feeling too given that this isn't really even close to the start of my reboot. Curious as to why you think that though, is that from your or someone else's experience? Or just your feeling?

What's count is that you're here now and you will recover like you already did in the past. Policing your thoughts is exhausting, that I know. What helped me was meditation. Since I started, it's much easier to manage my thoughts. Usually in case of brain recovery and rewiring I prefer to take more time necessary than not enough.

Good idea, what I'm doing is removing everything that spike dopamine that isn't natural. Don't know if you could call it hard mode +, but that's what I do. That made me realise alot of things! And really help in the reboot process, less mood swing, less risk of having a drop in dopamine that may cause a relapse, etc....

1 or 2 month at most I think, cause even if you don't last long you can still have sex, plus you already rebooted. So your brain has already done it! It's easier to go back on a known track than on a brand new and potentially scary track. I got an intuition that you'd be able to have nice erection after that period, even though I would wait longer. To try to clean up my brain. Cause even If you can have sex doesn't mean your brain is completely rebooted! Could have some leftover somewhere. That's why I prefer to wait a little bit longer to call it a victory.

After that we still have to be aware of the PAWS. Apart from that you don't have, or should I say, you shouldn't have to stay hypervigilant to your thought. Just be aware of PAWS to be ready if they show up!

Hope that help! Cheers and stay strong we're in there together!

The thing that makes me wonder is that I had the great erection after the stimulation from the email. It was way stronger than any kind of feeling I'd had to any fantasy or accidental exposure to images, I'd imagine because it was a real woman involved. But still, it was full and it lasted. It's definitely helped with the anxiety I was having of feeling like my dick just wouldn't work, will it ever work again etc.

But yes, I can feel the different forms of attraction in my brain. One more healthy and natural, towards women and sex and love and babies. The other a LOT more intense, but in an artificial way, like a drug, towards power and control and fetishes. I can almost switch between the two if I fantasize about holding hands, being told and telling someone that we love each other, regular sex. But I'm trying to not fantasize about that either, even it makes me feel a bit better inside.

I'm definitely committed to sticking to hard mode this time. I think I got desperate the past few months and jumped at the chance to "test" or cheat at the first sign I could be cured. But then I just "reinjured" myself, so to speak.

It's a bit scary all the things you realize. Alll of the artificial sexual stimuli that's out there. What effect is it having on us? Even those people who aren't addicted, it must have an effect. I personally strongly wonder how many people involved in the BDSM scene (at least of my generation) are actually addicted in part or totality to it rather than it being their "identity."

It helps a lot! I have had no one to tell about this except for my now ex girlfriend who was mostly supportive but of course there were other problems going on too. And I don't think she really ever fully understood what kind of problem it is. When I relapsed she told me just to not watch it. I told her that in 6 months I went form being an addict to relapsing one time (didn't tell her it was with another woman or a week long), and that if I was an alcoholic she would never say something like that.

Thanks my friend, good luck to you as well, we are all in this together and we can all recover!

Rebooter2019

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Re: Age 29, seen it all and still confused.
« Reply #5 on: February 06, 2019, 05:03:44 PM »
The thing that makes me wonder is that I had the great erection after the stimulation from the email. It was way stronger than any kind of feeling I'd had to any fantasy or accidental exposure to images, I'd imagine because it was a real woman involved. But still, it was full and it lasted. It's definitely helped with the anxiety I was having of feeling like my dick just wouldn't work, will it ever work again etc.

But yes, I can feel the different forms of attraction in my brain. One more healthy and natural, towards women and sex and love and babies. The other a LOT more intense, but in an artificial way, like a drug, towards power and control and fetishes. I can almost switch between the two if I fantasize about holding hands, being told and telling someone that we love each other, regular sex. But I'm trying to not fantasize about that either, even it makes me feel a bit better inside.

I'm definitely committed to sticking to hard mode this time. I think I got desperate the past few months and jumped at the chance to "test" or cheat at the first sign I could be cured. But then I just "reinjured" myself, so to speak.

It's a bit scary all the things you realize. Alll of the artificial sexual stimuli that's out there. What effect is it having on us? Even those people who aren't addicted, it must have an effect. I personally strongly wonder how many people involved in the BDSM scene (at least of my generation) are actually addicted in part or totality to it rather than it being their "identity."

It helps a lot! I have had no one to tell about this except for my now ex girlfriend who was mostly supportive but of course there were other problems going on too. And I don't think she really ever fully understood what kind of problem it is. When I relapsed she told me just to not watch it. I told her that in 6 months I went form being an addict to relapsing one time (didn't tell her it was with another woman or a week long), and that if I was an alcoholic she would never say something like that.

Thanks my friend, good luck to you as well, we are all in this together and we can all recover!
From what I understand of all I read about this addiction, is that the email acted like a substitute to P and your brain was probably using what he could remember of all the P that you've listen to in the past. I think that's why you got a really strong erection.

Sometimes we fall, but since you're here you most probably gonna get back up alot sooner than you think.

Yeah, I wonder too. Partially because of where I was in genre when it freak me out and started to search for the reason to why I started with woman/men and ended where I was at the end. Alot of people must be addict with morphed taste and they don't even know it! That's freaking scary!

Sadly, even if she do her best, she won't be able to understand. If she never was addict to PMO or some hard drug, she won't have any point of reference. The only thing she could do is support you in that. If she's ready to support you, then she should read about this addiction. Maybe give her the link to YBOP.com. It may help!

I'm glad to help when I can. Never give up, you're more than capable of doing it. Don't forget that you're not alone!!

Circle

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Re: Age 29, seen it all and still confused.
« Reply #6 on: February 14, 2019, 12:24:20 PM »
8 days since I had sex w/o. Feeling 0 impulse to relapse. Fantasies coming and going but they're easy to ignore, other than the non-fetish ones. It's a nice feeling to get aroused by fantasies of just sex and love again, with no fetishes or crazy porn things involved. Tempting to hold onto those fantasies as "healthy" but I'm not taking that chance.

Girl messaged me last night, I started getting an erection! Not sure that's a great thing as it wasn't in person and I used to pmo a lot through messaging on fetish sites. Maybe I'll try sex again in a week? Would like to make it to 30 days but it would be so nice to find out early that im cured :). Thinking of telling the girl about my condition. I think she'd be fine with it but I'm very nervous to tell anyone at all. Feeling optimistic and hoping that my PIED is essentially gone and I just need to give my brain a good solid break from orgasms to solidify being cured.

Circle

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Re: Age 29, seen it all and still confused.
« Reply #7 on: February 14, 2019, 03:18:34 PM »
Talked to the girl, she was super supportive, we're going to meet up to cuddle and fool around but no sex and no kinky stuff.

Again I started getting an erection while talking to her on Kik. We barely mentioned sex but my brain was clearly getting ready for it. Had a fair amount of precum by the end (no semen). Mixed feelings again, nice that my penis is responding but not great that it's from a instant messaging app. Penis feels kinda tired, deleted the app. Going to try just texting to see if that works better and keep even that to a minimum.

Rebooter2019

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Re: Age 29, seen it all and still confused.
« Reply #8 on: February 14, 2019, 07:45:53 PM »
It's good that you've talked to someone irl. That will help you if that person is a good support. I've decided to stop everything that made my penis have any sort of reaction, because I really want to give my brain a break.

I started really young, so I need to do a complete reboot and never did it in the past. You seems to be more "advanced" than me, so maybe minimum texting through SMS should be fine, but be carefull!

Keep going brother! We can do it!!

blueRaccoon

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Re: Age 29, seen it all and still confused.
« Reply #9 on: February 15, 2019, 07:27:34 AM »
Yup, seems like you have had a long history with sexting. Keep messanging to the minimum.

Circle

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Re: Age 29, seen it all and still confused.
« Reply #10 on: February 18, 2019, 12:30:07 PM »
Girl came over, we cuddled and I had a mad erection. Ended up having sex, I figured if my erection is working I might as well go for it and see what happens. I think it was a success! Had no problems staying hard, was turned on just by being with her and by her body. Came really quick but chalk that up to a sensitive penis and a tight girl lol. Stayed erect for probably 45 seconds afterwards too. Penis feels a bit sore, but pretty normal I would say. No chasers or feelings of emptiness, etc. So I am calling myself cured (again). No PIED and a very firm grip on my fantasies and 0 desire to look at porn.

Rebooter2019

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Re: Age 29, seen it all and still confused.
« Reply #11 on: February 18, 2019, 12:51:10 PM »
That's awesome man!! I so freaking happy for you!!! Stay away from porn from now on! No matter what, it doesn't worth it. You can have a normal sex life again!! Keep that and be happy that you've recovered relatively quick!!

Again really happy for you my friend!! Stay strong and away from PMO :)

Circle

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Re: Age 29, seen it all and still confused.
« Reply #12 on: February 18, 2019, 01:01:08 PM »
That's awesome man!! I so freaking happy for you!!! Stay away from porn from now on! No matter what, it doesn't worth it. You can have a normal sex life again!! Keep that and be happy that you've recovered relatively quick!!

Again really happy for you my friend!! Stay strong and away from PMO :)

Thanks man :) I have 0 doubt that I will stay porn-free for life! It's really something this porn thing, I never realized until rebooting twice and relapsing the effect it was having on my perception of women. When I relapsed, I felt high! Like I was on MDMA! I felt like  my brain was on fire and all I could think about was fantasizing and o'ing. And once I did it felt like a big big waste of time.

It wasn't that quick though, I began last february, recovered, relapsed a bunch of times, then recovered again. If I had stayed clean it would have been over long ago! But I am very relieved that this one didn't take long. Just goes to show that you're always making progress - relapses just slow you down.

I've truly seen it all and you're right - it's not worth it. It was never worth it and I'm so happy that I'm done with it.

Good luck to you and all you other rebooters. You can do it and it will be worth it! Trust me!
« Last Edit: February 18, 2019, 01:06:48 PM by Circle »

Rebooter2019

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Re: Age 29, seen it all and still confused.
« Reply #13 on: February 18, 2019, 01:13:13 PM »
That's awesome man!! I so freaking happy for you!!! Stay away from porn from now on! No matter what, it doesn't worth it. You can have a normal sex life again!! Keep that and be happy that you've recovered relatively quick!!

Again really happy for you my friend!! Stay strong and away from PMO :)

Thanks man :) I have 0 doubt that I will stay porn-free for life! It's really something this porn thing, I never realized until rebooting twice and relapsing the effect it was having on my perception of women. When I relapsed, I felt high! Like I was on MDMA! I felt like  my brain was on fire and all I could think about was fantasizing and o'ing. And once I did it felt like a big big waste of time.

It wasn't that quick though, I began last february, recovered, relapsed a bunch of times, then recovered again. If I had stayed clean it would have been over long ago! But I am very relieved that this one didn't take long. Just goes to show that you're always making progress - relapses just slow you down.

I've truly seen it all and you're right - it's not worth it. It was never worth it and I'm so happy that I'm done with it.

Good luck to you and all you other rebooters. You can do it and it will be worth it! Trust me!

Thanks man! I will!!

Any addiction is an anchor attached to your ankle, once you're free it is such a relief. You can swim back to the surface and continue with your life and work on a brighter futur!

Stay strong and have an awesome life :)

Pete McVries

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Re: Age 29, seen it all and still confused.
« Reply #14 on: February 18, 2019, 06:20:22 PM »
What an inspiring read, circle! You the man, keep rocking, bro!
ten months clean and counting...

blueRaccoon

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Re: Age 29, seen it all and still confused.
« Reply #15 on: February 19, 2019, 08:42:06 AM »
Congrats man, happy to see you succeed.  ;D

Circle

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Re: Age 29, seen it all and still confused.
« Reply #16 on: March 04, 2019, 01:10:35 PM »
Well an update - I mo'd last night after 14 days abistence (o with a girl), I wasn't too worried about it as I've been really horny lately, and the morning after I had mad morning wood and was really horny. Ended up convincing myself to try to find some girls online and ended up on a fetish dating site. The girl I've been cuddling/sleeping with is obsessed with being dominated!! I want to do it to her too but I don't want to feed that side of me until I know I'm balanced...it was too much for me this time though. Ended up cruising the dating site and relapsing, mo'ing, and again later...

Penis feels pretty tired. Thought about asking the girl over but I don't even know if I could get it up atm. Not super worried cause I've come so far. But frustrating. I never want that dead dick feeling again! Definitely have a bit of it now. Argh.
« Last Edit: March 04, 2019, 07:10:18 PM by Circle »

Rebooter2019

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Re: Age 29, seen it all and still confused.
« Reply #17 on: March 06, 2019, 09:59:51 AM »
It a bump brother, get back with us! We're here with you! The girl could be a valuable help for you. I can understand your reluctance at this very moment though!

No matter what you decide, do what you think is best for your recovery! Remember nothing come before that... your recovery!

Stay strong my friend!

Circle

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Re: Age 29, seen it all and still confused.
« Reply #18 on: March 06, 2019, 12:39:03 PM »
It a bump brother, get back with us! We're here with you! The girl could be a valuable help for you. I can understand your reluctance at this very moment though!

No matter what you decide, do what you think is best for your recovery! Remember nothing come before that... your recovery!

Stay strong my friend!

Thanks :) I am back on the horse. Girl's going to come over tomorrow night and we'll see what happens. Feeling optimistic but I still want to go the full 30 days with no mo to get myself balanced. I don't mind o with a girl, but I need to get over the 14 day hump! I was supercharged last time I relapsed...have to remember to harness and redirect that energy somehow ;)

Thanks again & good luck to everyone!

Circle

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Re: Age 29, seen it all and still confused.
« Reply #19 on: March 12, 2019, 05:02:49 PM »
had sex with the girl again no problem, now today I relapsed again! good god. I don't know why I can't control myself now. I was doing so well.
No PIED back yet but I'm really pushing my luck i feel. got to get back on track.

Rebooter2019

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Re: Age 29, seen it all and still confused.
« Reply #20 on: March 12, 2019, 09:53:26 PM »
had sex with the girl again no problem, now today I relapsed again! good god. I don't know why I can't control myself now. I was doing so well.
No PIED back yet but I'm really pushing my luck i feel. got to get back on track.

It can be hard to not relapse with the chaser effect. You had sex with a girl so your body wanted more O! That's the main reason to why you relapse. Don't beat yourself and come back rebooting, my friend!

Circle

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Re: Age 29, seen it all and still confused.
« Reply #21 on: March 27, 2019, 07:26:14 PM »
well it's been almost 2 weeks since last relapse. penis is definitely deader than it's been since this all started again in the winter. pretty bummed that I've gone back and forth so many times between being cured and uncured.

had some pretty intense cravings today, trawled for girls to cuddle with online for a bit but stopped myself before it got too far. so better than the last time i hit 2 weeks and relapsed. just mad at myself for letting this go on for so long. it was never this hard before!

i'm looking ahead though. girl is coming over friday to cuddle. hopefully it doesn't take too long before i'm back in action and THIS time I am staying strong!

Circle

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Re: Age 29, seen it all and still confused.
« Reply #22 on: April 08, 2019, 03:27:54 PM »
3.5 weeks since last relapse. Friday girl came over, we cuddled and she gave me a bj which I came for. Was a little concerned as my libido wasn't very high...but I was completely exhausted, I almost fell asleep right after lol. I thought my erection was weaker but she said it was the same.

Then yesterday i got some good rewiring done with a woman I was really smitten by. She's in a relationship so it's not gonna happen. But I woke up balanced and horny for real girls again. Then I was looking on Kijiji for musicians to play with and theres an ad with a picture of a gorgeous woman attached. So of course my stupid brain takes over and insists on messaging and flirting with her...

Managed to keep my hands off my dick but I feel like I've been binging. The high is wearing off but it's still there and my dick is tired. Still though I'm not counting it as a full relapse. Didnt mo and it's not feeling totally dead down there. Just tired. Just gonna count it as a bump in the road, probably set me back 2-3 days if that ;).