Author Topic: 34 years old and still addicted  (Read 2599 times)

KittyHawk

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Re: 34 years old and still addicted
« Reply #25 on: February 10, 2019, 08:21:25 AM »
DAY 07
I can’t believe I did whole week without even short edging. My cravings and libido seem to be almost nonexistent since yesterday evening. This might be the infamous flatline but I am actually welcoming it. It should make the next phase of my reboot easier. I started reading YBOP from the beginning again. I am financially in a very bad place now so I postponed purchases on more ebooks. I should know tomorrow how financially devastating the repairs on my house will be.

Everybody: stay strong.
« Last Edit: February 12, 2019, 01:03:47 PM by KittyHawk »
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

changemylife

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Re: 34 years old and still addicted
« Reply #26 on: February 10, 2019, 09:05:32 AM »
DAY 07
I can’t believe I did whole week without even short edging. My cravings and libido seem to be almost nonexistent since yesterday evening. This might be the infamous flatline but I am actually welcoming it. It should make the next phase of my reboot easier. I started reading YBOP from the beginning again. I am financially in a very bad place now so I postponed purchases on more ebooks. I should know tomorrow how financially devastating the repairs on my house will be.

Everybody: stay strong.
It's the same for me, to be honest. This is my 5th day but I don't have the ability to experience urges. It's not only this. I feel somehow "low", "empty" or something like that. It's definitely a strange feeling, it's not only lack of urges. I wouldn't be able to turn myself on even for edging but this is the only thing I welcome. I don't need to fry myself up, like a chicken in the pan, with edging. 

bubbyte

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Re: 34 years old and still addicted
« Reply #27 on: February 10, 2019, 09:13:08 AM »
Most public libraries have an ebook lending system. You can even get ebooks from the library on Kindle devices and apps. Get yourself a library card and ask them how to borrow ebooks. Our local library uses Libby, so I can go on the Libby app to look for books and have them sent to my Kindle.

I've read several books on the topic. Wack: Addicted to Internet Porn was really good, and overlaps a little with YBOP but adds a lot of personal experience from the author. I'm currently reading Every Man's Battle, and I'm finding it helpful with real practical advice on avoiding sexual stimulation. Every Man's Battle is one I borrowed from the library.

Pete McVries

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Re: 34 years old and still addicted
« Reply #28 on: February 10, 2019, 11:46:06 AM »
DAY 07
I can’t believe I did whole week without even short edging. My cravings and libido seem to be almost nonexistent since yesterday evening. This might be the infamous flatline but I am actually welcoming it. It should make the next phase of my reboot easier. I started reading YBOP from the beginning again. I am financially in a very bad place now so I postponed purchases on more ebooks. I should know tomorrow how financially devastating the repairs on my house will be.

Everybody: stay strong.

Same thing happened to me. The flatline shortly started after I started rebooting. It endured until Day 26 and since then I'm out of it. The best thing was, my emotions came back in full force. Feels super great to be honest. I finally feel like a human being again.

About being broke and the porn myth, I sent you a pm. Check your inbox.

Good luck!
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changemylife

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Re: 34 years old and still addicted
« Reply #29 on: February 10, 2019, 11:57:46 AM »
I'm currently reading Every Man's Battle, and I'm finding it helpful with real practical advice on avoiding sexual stimulation. Every Man's Battle is one I borrowed from the library.
I've heard of this book but I don't know if I should start it. Isn't this book written from a religious point of view? (not that I have something against this)

bubbyte

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Re: 34 years old and still addicted
« Reply #30 on: February 10, 2019, 01:20:24 PM »
Quote
I've heard of this book but I don't know if I should start it. Isn't this book written from a religious point of view? (not that I have something against this)

Yes, it is written from a Christian point of view. I've never been a Christian, and never been particularly religious at all, but I've still gotten a lot out of this book. More than any other book, they give specific techniques on dealing with issues that I'm dealing with personally. Even though their techniques are built on a foundation of Christianity, I think the techniques still work with a non-religious moral foundation.

What I'm trying to say is they say you should do XYZ because God tells you to, but I've decided I should do XYZ because it's the right thing to do.

changemylife

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Re: 34 years old and still addicted
« Reply #31 on: February 10, 2019, 01:28:33 PM »
Yes, it is written from a Christian point of view. I've never been a Christian, and never been particularly religious at all, but I've still gotten a lot out of this book. More than any other book, they give specific techniques on dealing with issues that I'm dealing with personally. Even though their techniques are built on a foundation of Christianity, I think the techniques still work with a non-religious moral foundation.

What I'm trying to say is they say you should do XYZ because God tells you to, but I've decided I should do XYZ because it's the right thing to do.
Alright, this sounds good. I'll give it a try.

Pete McVries

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Re: 34 years old and still addicted
« Reply #32 on: February 10, 2019, 11:27:37 PM »
Yo Kitty, check your inbox (both mail and PM) again ;).
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KittyHawk

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Re: 34 years old and still addicted
« Reply #33 on: February 11, 2019, 08:39:25 AM »
DAY 08
I had weird dreams. Woke up with strong urges and started touching myself to P-like fantasy. But I stopped very soon. I would’t count it as a relapse but it still freaked me out. Quick reminder that staying clean isn’t as easy as we tend to think after few effortless days.

I expect very stressing day today and I am supposed to have a day off tomorrow = huge trigger time. So I will plan my tomorrow as an active one since the very morning.
« Last Edit: February 12, 2019, 01:04:21 PM by KittyHawk »
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

KittyHawk

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Re: 34 years old and still addicted
« Reply #34 on: February 12, 2019, 07:59:44 AM »
DAY 09
Still no PMO. That is good. But I hate my life and I wonder how long it will take for me to be able have normal sex and how long for me to see the benefits of not wasting my free time on PMO. Yes, I am impatient.  :D That might be what got me here in the first place. Quest for instant gratification. I am trying to find a better job right now but it seems impossible. Everything worth having comes with such a big sacrifice. I feel like I completely wasted 16 years of my life (between being 18 and 34 years old) and I will never be able to catch up with others.

I know it can be done. It’s just.... world is such a scary place once the familiar brainfog of PMO comes off.
« Last Edit: February 12, 2019, 01:05:02 PM by KittyHawk »
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

Pete McVries

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Re: 34 years old and still addicted
« Reply #35 on: February 12, 2019, 01:30:13 PM »
Yo Kitty,

you remember what I wrote in the PM? In this stage of your reboot, you only have to worry about one thing which is staying away from PMO. Don't worry about sex, don't worry about dating, don't worry about anything else but abstaining from PMO. Let your brain do the healing, let your brain regulate the dopamine receptors back to normal, and then you can worry about the rest. Your emotions will come back, your masculinity will come back, and your confidence will return. Let me tell you this, I once was PMO-free for 120 days and my level of operation was through the roof. I was effortlessly able to ask for a girl's number who I fancied at the time, I was easily able to go on a date with her (talk about a fish outta water, something I hadn't done in more than 10 years), and I left a very good impression on her. Without even trying too hard. It all just came naturally. Just give it time, good things are bound to happen, you gotta trust me on this.

About the wasted years, I'm in the same boat. I'm 31 years old, only had sex twice and it was horrible because I was barely able to perform. Not counting the countless times I left the girls sad and confused because I wasn't able to get it up at all. Crushing to say the least. I wasted all my youth and all my twenties in regards of sexuality. I will never be able to have this exciting and innocent sex teens have and I couldn't explore my sexuality like "normal" twenty-somethings can.

You know what's ironic? At the end of highschool we had a year book. And beforehand all pupils of my year were asked different questions, like who will be the most successful person, who was the prettiest person, who was never seen in school, and so on and so forth. And one question was, with which person would you like to have sex. Now guess, who was number one in that category. Yes, it was me. By a large margin. And now guess, who hasn't had any sex with anybody. Yes, it was me... It crushed me during that time, because apparently there were a plethora of pretty girls who secretly wanted to have sex with me... And I had no clue. Maybe, it was for the better because you and me both know that I wouldn't have been able to perform anyways.

But you know what? It's all in the rear-view. There is no chance of rolling back the time and change things. Focus on the present. What you do now defines the outcome of your future. Pretty simple. There is no point in being sad about the past, because you cannot change it. There is literally NOTHING you can do about it. So don't dwell on it, because if you do, it will catch up on you, make you sad, make you bitter and nothing good has ever been a result of it.

There is plenty of good sex to be had in your remaining thirties, even in your fourties and fifties. Maybe even the sixties and seventies ;D. You get the idea...

So please, do yourself the favor and just focus on the task at hand. About the rest, you can worry later.

Hope it helps.

Take care!
« Last Edit: February 12, 2019, 03:26:16 PM by Pete McVries »
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KittyHawk

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Re: 34 years old and still addicted
« Reply #36 on: February 13, 2019, 07:58:16 AM »
DAY 10
I woke up around 5am with strong urges and fantasies about one of my favorite nude models. My brain progressed soon to my favorite P genre. Just fantasy made me rock hard. I touched myself but stopped. It is clear that I am moving in the right direction when just fantasy can already make me hard. I don’t want to lose this progress.

The temptation is sooo big right now.  :-\
« Last Edit: February 13, 2019, 08:36:32 AM by KittyHawk »
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

changemylife

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Re: 34 years old and still addicted
« Reply #37 on: February 13, 2019, 08:07:35 AM »
DAY 10
I woke up around 5am with strong urges and fantasies about one of my favorite nude models. My brain progressed soon to my favorite P genre. Just fantasy made me rock hard. I touched myself but stopped. It is clear that I am moving in the right direction when just fantasy can already make me hard. I don’t want to lose this progress.

The temptation is sooo big right now.  :-\
I know how this works, bro. I've had this routine, edging in the morning by fantasizing and rubbing my dick against the bed. And now when I want to quit, this is not good anymore but it keeps coming, like the train arriving in the station. I wake up - fantasies, urges to start rubbing against the bed. It's super annoying. I have to turn face up and even get up early.

KittyHawk

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Re: 34 years old and still addicted
« Reply #38 on: February 13, 2019, 10:02:07 AM »
Pete McVries: Thanks. I am trying to stay focused on the future. But it is hard not to feel bitter for my past and I am also scared that I might not be able to defeat my addiction. After all, I am battling it for years now.

changemylife: Yes, I feel like my addiction is taking advantage of the moment when I am still half asleep and not fully in control. Mornings are definitely the most high-risk times for me.
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

Pete McVries

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Re: 34 years old and still addicted
« Reply #39 on: February 13, 2019, 12:38:58 PM »
If you continue to feel bitter and don't change your mindset, you will helplessly relapse because the bitterness will be fuel to the relapse fire. Constant negative feelings are a huge trigger. That's the truth.

I wish you all the best!
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changemylife

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Re: 34 years old and still addicted
« Reply #40 on: February 13, 2019, 12:42:30 PM »
If you continue to feel bitter and don't change your mindset, you will helplessly relapse because the bitterness will be fuel to the relapse fire. Constant negative feelings are a huge trigger. That's the truth.

I wish you all the best!
Addictions love depression/feeling down/negativity etc. There is a reason why addicts end up medicating them with their addiction.

KittyHawk

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Re: 34 years old and still addicted
« Reply #41 on: February 15, 2019, 09:54:46 AM »
DAY 12
Got a morning wood today. Didn’t last long and wasn’t 100% but it made me happy. It is a clear sign that I am healing. I still have urges and it is hard not to M/edge in the morning but the progress is clear. To motivate everybody who thinks about starting reboot and is discouraged by how long it takes, here is the list of positive changes that already took place in the last 3 days:

- way more energy in the morning
- brainfog is gone
- I get insane amount of things done on my days off
- thinking about nude nice women (as much as I am trying to avoid it) sometimes gets me aroused. The need for extreme P genres is gone.
« Last Edit: February 17, 2019, 09:37:23 AM by KittyHawk »
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

KittyHawk

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Re: 34 years old and still addicted
« Reply #42 on: February 17, 2019, 08:35:55 AM »
DAY 14
Vau... I can’t believe I managed to go two weeks without PMO. It was definitely an emotional roller coaster so far. Right now I suffer from P flashbacks and sudden urges. I also noticed that the bar for what women I consider attractive is being lowered. Which is a good thing. Besides progressing to more extreme P genres, I typically escalate in the term of watching only “perfect tens” and soon only specific types of perfect women with specific physical attributes that change in time as I crave novelty. That is almost gone now.

I have a day off today. That is typically huge trigger for me. I will try to stay as busy and off screen as possible.

p.s.: I still feel sadness sometimes when I think about not ever seeing my favorite P scenes ever.... I know that is not a good thing but nothing I can do about it right now. I can't control my feelings and I hope they will go away. I can get angry at P temporarily, by thinking about all the time that I wasted on PMO but that usually lasts for a day or so.
« Last Edit: February 17, 2019, 09:41:21 AM by KittyHawk »
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

Pete McVries

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Re: 34 years old and still addicted
« Reply #43 on: February 17, 2019, 10:40:59 AM »
I'm glad to hear about your success, mate. Keep going, one day at a time!
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KittyHawk

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Re: 34 years old and still addicted
« Reply #44 on: February 19, 2019, 02:05:07 PM »
DAY 16

I am moody and still battle urges in the morning. It is so easy to get hard.

What I find very unsettling is that the urge to watch P or do PMO is still way bigger than the urge to have sex with my wife. That tells me I am far from being cured.

Today I received some good news regarding my professional career. I was happy but I still felt unstable and something in the back of my head kept telling me that I should reward myself with PMO>:( I didn't do it though.
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

Reboot_

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Re: 34 years old and still addicted
« Reply #45 on: February 19, 2019, 04:24:35 PM »
Keep it up KittyHawk. I am on the opposite spectrum than you after struggling since 2010. I have lost my wife to divorce in between that time. I remained away from porn use the whole time of my divorce. Now, I am seeking the life of a woman the most and my seeking for PMO and porn are practically gone.

Keep it up, you can do it - wherever you want to go.
best,    Josh

KittyHawk

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Re: 34 years old and still addicted
« Reply #46 on: February 20, 2019, 12:32:25 PM »
DAY 17 without PMO
DAY 1 without MO

The cravings were impossible to resist and I did a short MO with no P involved. Definitely a setback as I planned to do at least first 30 days in hardmode but I am trying not to beat myself much for it. I can’t even remember the last time I went 16 days without orgasm...maybe never since puberty. I am just gratefull I didn’t binge PMO.

I am learning small things everyday about how to avoid my temptations.
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

Pete McVries

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Re: 34 years old and still addicted
« Reply #47 on: February 20, 2019, 02:24:40 PM »
It's all good. A quick, innocent MO is nothing to be really worried about. Just make sure, you don't overdo it and focus on clean days. Keep going, man, you're looking good!
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KittyHawk

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Re: 34 years old and still addicted
« Reply #48 on: February 21, 2019, 11:17:20 AM »
DAY 18 without PMO
DAY 2 without MO

I woke up with perfectly hard morning wood today.  8)
No urge to fap just my body returning to it’s healthy functioning. I am so glad. I take this as a confirmation that I am slowly healing from my PIED although I didn’t try to have sex with my wife lately and I don’t expect to be completely cured from it yet.

Thanks everybody for words of support. I am reading everybody’s posts even when I am not responding. (It is hard to work with quotes from my smartphone)
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

KittyHawk

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Re: 34 years old and still addicted
« Reply #49 on: February 22, 2019, 07:32:35 AM »
19 DAYS without PMO
3 DAYS without MO

Urges are back. Also some nightmares and waking up too early.

Effects on my life:
I am working out way more often now and my muscles are growing.
I found a new job that I will start in a week and a half. More money per hour means I will be able to go back to school this fall and finish my degree.
I am in control now instead of being a tired bystander who just watches people around him achieving their goals.
I also cleaned half of my house.
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.