Author Topic: New life, no fear  (Read 436 times)

Muska1986

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New life, no fear
« on: January 27, 2019, 05:09:24 AM »
First day of no porn, and no fap: 9th January 2019.

Here goes, first diary, even though I started a version of this program some time ago.
Here's a short story about me:

32 yo male, from Hungary, now living in Ireland. As any young adult I know, porn has been a seriously integrated part of my life. Ever since I was a kid even, porn, and anything in relation was there for the taking, and boy I did take everything I could get my hands on. This also resulted in a lot of self pleasure which in turn made ma anxcious, shy, and always uneasy in social interactions of any kind.

First I got into contact with this idea about 2010-2011. I've met a woman who was teaching penis control; a way to not only solve the ED problem for men, but also to control and enjoy sex to an unimaginable extent. By that time I've stopped all porn and self pleasuring activity for 2-3 months, and the training boosted me in every possible way.

After that my first girlfriend came around, and I've had the best sex I could remember for years. The program stopped however for me, and I started to watch this and that every now and then.

With my last girlfriend in Ireland it was the same. We've had good sex, but still, my mind always turned me to "something more". Ridiculous, really, now that I look back at it. But also, I feel that I felt entirely alone with this. I didn't know of Reboot Nation, or any other source where people can find any kind of support.

The turning point was reached now after I've watched a porn addiction presentation from TED talks. It was mind blowing, specifically the part that explains how our brain activity degenerates in this sense. Scary stuff, and for me, also eye-opening.

So, here I am now. 9th January, 2019. I'm counting every day because, frankly speaking, I do feel more and more vigor, and I start to feel a bit supernatural at times; looking at women in a different way, feeling much more aware as before, and somehow my mental fitness also got boosted to new levels. Yet, it's only 18 days. 18 days more though, than last time.

No porn, no self pleasuring. Maybe a little bit of dreaming lately, and some instagram nipples flashing up. I have to admit that was something I tried to look for, but I realized what I'm doing and didn't go searching for more. I try to keep it together. I can do it. I know I can, since I've done so many steps in my life others consider extreme and crazy. I believe in myself, and only hope to enjoy life to it's fullest. All comments are welcome, and thank you for being here, and reading my scribble.

Here's the template.
_________________________________________________
Did I use porn today? - No
What were my triggers? - sadness, loneliness, water
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? - nowadays I use a closing technique. I focus on my lower belly, trying to pull it in entirely, close my eyes, visualize a big black courtain going in fron of all my fantasies, and breating in through the nose, and out the mouth. Works after a couple of minutes tops.
What am I grateful for today? - This site, the chance I can write about this, the great opportunities I have in life.
Day counter! - 18th day!!!
« Last Edit: January 27, 2019, 05:23:54 AM by Muska1986 »

Muska1986

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Re: New life, no fear
« Reply #1 on: January 29, 2019, 07:31:19 AM »
Today feels a bit different. Maybe it's just in my mind, but I feel the urge to get closer to content more and more.
Meanwhile though, my energy levels are over the top. I feel amazing and buzzing, and feel like I've woken from a long sleep... I will make it, no matter what. I deserve to get out of my hole.
_________________________________________________
Did I use porn today? - No
What am I grateful for today? - The realisation that I'm on the right track.
Day counter! - 20th day!

KittyHawk

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Re: New life, no fear
« Reply #2 on: January 29, 2019, 10:26:43 AM »
You can do it, Muska1986!

I am of similar age and also originally from eastern Europe. I struggle with PMO and PIED for a long time. Only last 4-5 years I know the root of the problem; although I think on some subconscious level I had my suspicion long time before that. But nobody told me P could be such a downfall and everybody else seemed to be using it as well with no side effects.

I am trying to imagine how great my life will be once I get rid of that nasty habit for good.
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

Muska1986

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Re: New life, no fear
« Reply #3 on: January 30, 2019, 09:38:50 AM »
You can do it, Muska1986!

I am of similar age and also originally from eastern Europe. I struggle with PMO and PIED for a long time. Only last 4-5 years I know the root of the problem; although I think on some subconscious level I had my suspicion long time before that. But nobody told me P could be such a downfall and everybody else seemed to be using it as well with no side effects.

I am trying to imagine how great my life will be once I get rid of that nasty habit for good.

It's really crazy, isn't it? How deep porn is sewn in culture. And it's as if everyone were living in a dream world. Fap fap 5 times a week, still horny and hard on the weekend... yet it never worked for me, ever. Only helped destroy my relationships a bit more. Not that it was the main cause, but it helped see the world through a darker shade.

Regardless, we're on the path. Today is 21 days now. 3 weeks off stuff.
_________________________________________________
Did I use porn today? - No
What am I grateful for today? - I know it sounds a bit awkward, but I am happy I have a penis, and I've found a great way to exist.
Day counter! - 21st!

Muska1986

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Re: New life, no fear
« Reply #4 on: February 04, 2019, 12:35:14 PM »
26 days now. Strange how fast time flies when you're busy with work and workout.
It feels as if my drive, or horniness disappeared. I can feel it deep inside but, it's like I can focus on everything else in life. It's on reserve mode now.
_________________________________________________
Did I use porn today? - No
What am I grateful for today? - that I exist. I can continue to grow.
Day counter! - 26!

Muska1986

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Re: New life, no fear
« Reply #5 on: February 10, 2019, 03:36:08 AM »
I can feel some urges coming back to me. Not necessarily for porn, but rather for real, female company, and connection. It feels really hard sometimes, like an uncontrollable instinct. I can get over it though somehow. The rationale I'm using is based on my past: good things will happen, this is the process, also that this is good, because I'm thinking of real, alive, nearby women who I'm close to. The real deal.
_________________________________________________
Did I use porn today? - No
What am I grateful for today? - For strength. Both mental, and physical. We are the creators of our own power.
Day counter! - 32!

KittyHawk

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Re: New life, no fear
« Reply #6 on: February 12, 2019, 01:13:56 PM »
Keep up the good work, Muska1986!

Such urges are completely normal. The difference between artificial stuff (P) and the real thing is what's bad. Rewiring to real life partner is IMHO a vital part of a successful reboot. Trying to go indefinitely with no sexual outlet must eventually lead to a self-perceived failure (Oh, damn, I did M...).
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

Muska1986

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Re: New life, no fear
« Reply #7 on: February 14, 2019, 03:41:46 AM »
Keep up the good work, Muska1986!

Such urges are completely normal. The difference between artificial stuff (P) and the real thing is what's bad. Rewiring to real life partner is IMHO a vital part of a successful reboot. Trying to go indefinitely with no sexual outlet must eventually lead to a self-perceived failure (Oh, damn, I did M...).

I hear you. But I keep on going. I realize now I have a rational chance when the urge comes. I don't feel hooked up on this anymore, somehow believing that I will eventually experience something far better. Which happened to me before many times already.
_________________________________________________
Did I use porn today? - No
What am I grateful for today? - My opportunities to become better. My skill to overcome obstacles.
Day counter! - 36

Muska1986

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Re: New life, no fear
« Reply #8 on: March 05, 2019, 03:58:47 AM »
I've recently met this girl who's teaching me so much. It seems I've been outside of normal human interaction, or I need much more nourishment than I thought before. The point is, my hiatus has stopped and I'm very active sexually. At first I wasn't sure if this would hinder me in following a clean path. But then I realized that the de-pixelization has been complete. I'm fully aware of my partner, my live human mate, who I am making love to. I'm more aware. And now I can tell if something "compromising" might be getting on my screens. I can turn it off in no time. Still walking the path, still experiencing more.
_________________________________________________
Did I use porn today? - No
What am I grateful for today? - The people that came into my life, helping me reflect and grow.
Day counter! - 55

KittyHawk

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Re: New life, no fear
« Reply #9 on: March 05, 2019, 05:55:45 PM »
That’s great news!  ;)

Another saved soul that is giving me a hope.  8)
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

Muska1986

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Re: New life, no fear
« Reply #10 on: March 14, 2019, 07:00:00 AM »
I have to admit, I've slipped a little bit. I've checked out some interesting photos on Tinder and Instagram. I didn't do it for much pleasure though, and I didn't continue any old habits. I feel it's slipping though because there was a slight hint of intent.

Regardless, I know I can make mistakes, and I know it happens every now and then. I'm human. _________________________________________________
Did I use porn today? - No(ish)
What am I grateful for today? - The walk. Every day I walk out my door at home, I get something else. Something better. Something different. I'm grateful I can walk the walk.
Day counter! - 64

Muska1986

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Re: New life, no fear
« Reply #11 on: March 29, 2019, 05:34:46 AM »
I've been meeting a couple of girls here and there. No, I'm no gigolo. I've spent most of my teen and 20s years alone wanking at home. Now this thing seems to have changed a bit. Not in a hurry anywhere.

Anyway, most of these flings have been off for a week, and I felt down. I admit to have jacked off last week a lot. Not on porn, just on real memories. I felt bad first, but I seem to be regenerating in a surprising pace. Not sure what's happening, but all feels different.

I just hope to be able to practice with someone more later.
_________________________________________________
Did I use porn today? - No(ish - IG still pops up every now and then, but I stop after a minute of sexy content)
What am I grateful for today? - Sleep. I'm a bit deprived, so when I can sleep decently, it's bliss
Day counter! - 79