Author Topic: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life  (Read 3666 times)

blueRaccoon

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 109
    • View Profile
Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: January 26, 2019, 05:34:21 AM »
The journey starts with me as a 5-years-old kid. Both of my parents have their own jobs to go to and my sibling too had to go to a different school, I was usually left alone for 6-7 hours with the housekeeper. It wasn't a problem as I was with someone who was taking care of me. Things started becoming a problem when the housekeeper died and I had to be alone all by myself as a 7-year-old kid. I used to come back after my school, unlock the door, enter the house and lock myself in till my parents come back. In the initial years, I used to cry a lot but later I started watching television for hours and hours. I used to sit there still with my eyes fixed on the idiot box for the whole time. The social setting of the locality was such that I didn't have many friends and when I could have gone to play/socialize with others I longed for my parent's attention at home. When I was 12-13 years old, I discovered the channels I wasn't supposed to and then spent the rest of my days watching them. I was introduced to porn by my friend at the age of 14. I didn't have the resources to access it back then but a year later I got my first phone (a multimedia phone) and with a bit of help from my friend I started accessing the websites. Now the days were spent watching porn and humping my bed (which I used to do even when I had no idea of it). Porn and masturbation became more frequent but I never saw it as a problem. I was good in studies, I had my friends, I was a good child for my parents and also a consumer of porn.

The rise in consumption came along with my college years. For the first time, I was away from my parents and home and at a new place. Porn consumption seemed completely normal to me and I never noticed that I had started watching it compulsively - when alone, when tensed, when doubtful and so on. I realized porn to be a problem in the final year of my college, I was at the peak of everything, I was doing everything I thought I would do then one day I had this big conflict with someone which would wrack me emotionally. I was still at the peak but with one big emotional hole. In these days, whenever I watched porn I had one voice in my mind which questioned the action of watching it but I would go on anyway. I considered the "questioning and watching" to be a one-time thing but I soon realized that it is happening each time I watched porn. I started noticing the other patterns that how being alone or a stressful exam ahead led to porn.

Soon, I graduated and now I was preparing for my masters. I was so focused on my masters that I never thought about porn and even when I did, I never had the time to waste on it. Everything was going great till another hurdle struck me hard. This time it was my fear - the fear of failure. I had missed a few of my planned schedules regarding the study and it had overwhelmed me. I didn't believe I could complete what I had started and feared that I would never be able to do my masters. In these moments of crisis came the subtle hints of porn in form of discussion with friends who watched porn. I started taking refuge in porn again. And this time it was worst. I knew that I'm reinforcing the habit, I knew that it isn't gonna make me coverup for the schedules I missed but I watched it anyway until I was unable to masturbate. This time I was not alone, I had roommates. I would deliberately skip plans to watch porn, I would watch porn and masturbate when everyone else was asleep and later when I felt the guilt I became miserable. I had started having suicidal thoughts, I told my sibling who was far away from me about it. It helped me calm down a bit. Later, I gave up on my masters and started focusing on my daily routine. I followed a morning ritual I had created and was able to stay clean for 1 and a half month till I came back to my hometown.

I had given up the idea of masters and there was a question as to what I would do then? I decided to stay here with my sibling and prepare for the competitive exam to get a job I always wanted. The journey to life continues from here onwards..

BlueRaccoon
2019 - 23 years old

brandnewself

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 66
    • View Profile
Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« Reply #1 on: January 26, 2019, 07:50:28 AM »
Hi BlueRaccoon, thanks for encouraging me in my journal the other day. Just saw you posted and decided to say hello. I'm sorry about the masters situation but maybe it's a good thing. Personally I'm doing my masters right now but I really want to start working. I feel like studying is like living in a bubble sometimes and I want to see the real world. Either way I hope you will do well in your competitive exam and get the job you want.

blueRaccoon

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 109
    • View Profile
Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« Reply #2 on: February 01, 2019, 06:01:31 AM »
@brandnewself, I am over the whole masters' things now and focusing on getting the job. Hope we both get our desired jobs soon.

@null1011, whatever you say, I'll always be fascinated by the research work. The sheer thought of creating/discovering something new gets me all excited!! and all the best to you too.

Thank you guys. Your words help a lot. I wasn't sure how the forum could help me but now I can see it clearly.
From now on I'll be regularly visiting the forum.   :)

blueRaccoon

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 109
    • View Profile
Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« Reply #3 on: February 01, 2019, 06:44:48 AM »
DAY #7

The first thing to put the log for Day #1 to Day #6
Day #1 - 26th January 2019 - Relapsed
Day #2 - 27th January 2019 - Relapsed
Day #3 - 28th January 2019 - Relapsed
Day #4 - 29th January 2019 - Clean / started using a brick phone.
Day #5 - 30th January 2019 - Clean
Day #6 - 31st January 2019 - Clean

Day #4 to #6 were clean as
1. I started using a brick phone (though I still have an internet connection on my laptop)
2. Was busy for the days as had some wedding to attend.
3. Was not alone.

Day #7
I am not having the cravings yet. However, I have compulsively used the dating websites-created a profile, swiped, and deleted the profile- It might be acting as a substitute. Recently, I have noticed myself desiring a relationship for PIV only and for that my brain always keeps on pointing me the girls. I feel like it's not healthy to focus on the PIV so much that the other person vanishes and only the PIV remains but at the same time, my brain argues that a "STANDARD RELATIONSHIP" before PIV would take a long time. It's a continuous fight in my brain - PIV vs good old healthy relationship.

Rebooter2019

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 300
    • View Profile
Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« Reply #4 on: February 01, 2019, 12:03:03 PM »
Hey blueRacoon,

I really hope you gonna a find work that passionnate you, since you love to research stuff I wish you the best, it's awesome to have a passion and I think it may help you on your journey here!

For the reboot, from what I've read and seen in everything related to Porn addiction or any addiction whatsoever is that it messed up the reward circuit. By swiping profile you flood your brain with dopamine which as if you were looking to porn, because it activate the same circuit in the same way. I've notice that when I was doing something similare to what you've been doing, that I was on the verge of a relapse.

Everything dating apps, facebook, youtube, instagram snapchat, etc... are all substitute that you should try to absting as much as possible. 'Cause they all trigger a big dopamine response and every girl you will see on these or really any virtual platform hinder your recovery by a large amount. Maybe, and I really mean maybe, not as much as porn, but still enough to not worth it. Plus, it's playing with fire.

Now, I'm much more aware of that as a warning sign to get busy and/or concentrated on something else as much as I can. I started meditating a month ago and it really help to get rid of all undesirable thought as they rise.

Hope it may help you,
Stay strong
« Last Edit: February 01, 2019, 12:27:40 PM by Rebooter2019 »

blueRaccoon

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 109
    • View Profile
Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« Reply #5 on: February 02, 2019, 06:41:45 AM »
Hey blueRacoon,

I really hope you gonna a find work that passionnate you, since you love to research stuff I wish you the best, it's awesome to have a passion and I think it may help you on your journey here!

For the reboot, from what I've read and seen in everything related to Porn addiction or any addiction whatsoever is that it messed up the reward circuit. By swiping profile you flood your brain with dopamine which as if you were looking to porn, because it activate the same circuit in the same way. I've notice that when I was doing something similare to what you've been doing, that I was on the verge of a relapse.

Everything dating apps, facebook, youtube, instagram snapchat, etc... are all substitute that you should try to absting as much as possible. 'Cause they all trigger a big dopamine response and every girl you will see on these or really any virtual platform hinder your recovery by a large amount. Maybe, and I really mean maybe, not as much as porn, but still enough to not worth it. Plus, it's playing with fire.

Now, I'm much more aware of that as a warning sign to get busy and/or concentrated on something else as much as I can. I started meditating a month ago and it really help to get rid of all undesirable thought as they rise.

Hope it may help you,
Stay strong

Thanks @rebooter2019, I'll keep that in mind.
Yesterday, I read a comment on some other post (not able to find it right now) which talked about "seeking approval from women" and that casual sexual encounters come with a huge price attached to it. I think I was definitely looking for casual sexual favors and have tried to notice the approval seeking behavior and have started to control it.
I liked your view that such thoughts are warning signs to get busy and/or concentrate on something else and I would be practicing it from now on.
Looking forward for more insights from you.  :)

blueRaccoon

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 109
    • View Profile
Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« Reply #6 on: February 02, 2019, 07:23:22 AM »
DAY #8

Clean with No craving.

The day has been good so far but I  am feeling a bit low on energy and a bit anxious.
Yesterday, I had read a comment about approval seeking behavior and casual sexual encounters with a heavy price attached to it. I sort of recognized the approval seeking behavior of mine. I do look good and often I am being checked out by girls. Getting the attention always felt good but what I don't like is me being overly obsessed with it and continuously looking for "so-called attention" when there really is nothing. It messes up with my thoughts and I end up behaving awkwardly or in a way, I shouldn't have.
The general cases that I have noticed-
1. When we both are attracted to each other - I do not try talking to her or take any step and end up behaving awkwardly. Generally, in  this case, the sex is not a priority and I start to dream of "LOVE" and the relationship we can have.
2. When the girl is attracted to me - I start to think about the casual sexual favor I can have? and feel like I have the supremacy and end up degrading the other person.
For the entire day, I have refrained from doing anything which would lead me to think "Yeah, I look good, that girl thinks I look good, she might give me no strings attached intercourse I dream of". Not getting the "regular approval" I used to get might be the reason I am feeling a bit low for the entire day.
It is messed up as I do not know what I want, on one hand, I believe the understanding, mutual trust, love is important in a relationship and here sex part comes after this. And on other hand, I constantly seek casual sexual intercourse which has nothing to with the feeling and blah blah. Probably the idea of casual sexual favors is a result of constantly consuming the porn.

Hoping that the upcoming days would shed some lights on this issue.

Rebooter2019

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 300
    • View Profile
Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« Reply #7 on: February 02, 2019, 01:26:23 PM »
Your very welcome @blueRacoon. It's always a pleasure to share thoughts that may help to someone that may benefit from it :)

The last part of your first point is all me, because as most girl that I know they almost all think that I have a huge sexlife and a lot of girls that sleep with. I ask once to a girl why is that so and she reponded: "Well, the way you talk to girls". I was kind of flattered, because I'm coming from a completely alone background. So knowing that she covertly said " you know how to speak to girl" Boost my ego on one end, but in fact I don't have any relationship or FF, because of my PIED make it drop... We just have to be patient. I can't do anything, so I don't step up and try anything and after I dream of having a real relationship with her and making Love and everything. It's something I have to work on, but it not easy. Usually, anything that worth it is not easy.

For your thought, during a Reboot your brain is all messed up and try to provoke you so you feel lost and then send you urges and try to get you. In my case my brain try to use logic against me, I never ask him to do it he just do it. Don't attach to much importance to all these thought that you have right now. Because of the P they're still to strong and may cause a relapse. Try to sort these if you still have them 2-3 month in the reboot. Now your in the phase weakening of the aberrent reward circuit after enough weakening come the rewirering.

Continue like that though already 8 days, keep at it!!

blueRaccoon

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 109
    • View Profile
Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« Reply #8 on: February 03, 2019, 07:03:11 AM »
Your very welcome @blueRacoon. It's always a pleasure to share thoughts that may help to someone that may benefit from it :)

The last part of your first point is all me, because as most girl that I know they almost all think that I have a huge sexlife and a lot of girls that sleep with. I ask once to a girl why is that so and she reponded: "Well, the way you talk to girls". I was kind of flattered, because I'm coming from a completely alone background. So knowing that she covertly said " you know how to speak to girl" Boost my ego on one end, but in fact I don't have any relationship or FF, because of my PIED make it drop... We just have to be patient. I can't do anything, so I don't step up and try anything and after I dream of having a real relationship with her and making Love and everything. It's something I have to work on, but it not easy. Usually, anything that worth it is not easy.

For your thought, during a Reboot your brain is all messed up and try to provoke you so you feel lost and then send you urges and try to get you. In my case my brain try to use logic against me, I never ask him to do it he just do it. Don't attach to much importance to all these thought that you have right now. Because of the P they're still to strong and may cause a relapse. Try to sort these if you still have them 2-3 month in the reboot. Now your in the phase weakening of the aberrent reward circuit after enough weakening come the rewirering.

Continue like that though already 8 days, keep at it!!

Thanks man!! I'll be patient and will earn it with the hardwork. I think you're right about these thought taking much of the space in my brain, would replace to fill it much important work from now on.

blueRaccoon

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 109
    • View Profile
Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« Reply #9 on: February 03, 2019, 07:24:25 AM »
DAY #9

Wet dreams!! Clean without much of craving.

I feel like the entire night was filled with multiple wet dreams and I was a bit worried when I woke up as whenever I have had wet dreams in past I ended up giving in to the craving in the day. But fortunately, I was able to control myself today. I have been getting the clean days, today is the 6th day but I don't feel like I have worked much on myself specifically the lifestyle. I am yet to take steps to improve my lifestyle. Monday would definitely bring challenges for me. I have to wake up early to attend some classes. I usually reach the classes half asleep and late and later feel I don't have control over my life. Gotta change this!!

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1394
    • View Profile
Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« Reply #10 on: February 03, 2019, 07:27:08 PM »
Nice progress!

I know I've had more success as I've tried to change my whole lifestyle and not just my pornography behavior. Any positive change you can make is progress. Good luck with classes in the morning!

Rebooter2019

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 300
    • View Profile
Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« Reply #11 on: February 03, 2019, 08:56:53 PM »
Yes, you are both right in my opinion. Lifestyle is a huge step, a good lifestyle make so that you have little to no "dead" time and that you're doing something meaningful for you and your life. Little to no "dead" time mean less chance of going back to P and less chance to even think about it.

Plus, what is that most porn addict has in commun. Usually a questionable lifestyle. When your reward circuit is messed up and add the the Hypofrontality and you got the perfect combination of a sh*tty life(style) incomming...

BlueHeronFan have another good point is that you're making good progress. We're right being you and we got your back. Stay in the path and stay strong!!

Rakses

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 66
  • Personal Text
    Who i am? Where i am? Why i am? Dunno and look'in
    • View Profile
Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« Reply #12 on: February 04, 2019, 05:51:02 AM »
Hi Buddy
I am inspired to see your battle with this addiction.
From myself i can add couple of things.
We seek for relationship with girls to fufill a gap within us we want love because we do not love fully ourselfs so we look for that love in others. Being alone without people just by yourself is not wrong. You don't have to be social, you don't have to prove anything to anybody, only you know your struggles your suffering and how much you have been through. Reboot time is time to be spend alone, looking deep inside ourselfs. It's time not only to eliminate that addiction but to change the whole lifestyle. Each individual has to find a quality within themselfs, passion, life mission, this strive that will make him independent from others people.

I want to know the nature of my life.
For that i need to be sober, clean, clarified, perceptive.
All that is impossible unless i quit my addictions.
Szukalski said "Sexual energy is the one that make human being create. How i am suppose to create myself if i waste it on PMO. I have to stop.

blueRaccoon

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 109
    • View Profile
Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« Reply #13 on: February 04, 2019, 06:20:17 AM »
Thank you @BlueHeronFan, @Rebooter2019, @Rakses for the support. You all have the right words of wisdom for me. Lifestyle changes, No dead time and loving myself!! I'll incorporate these three into the plan.  :)

blueRaccoon

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 109
    • View Profile
Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« Reply #14 on: February 04, 2019, 06:55:49 AM »
DAY #10

Clean with no cravings.

The start of the day wasn't good. I was not mentally prepared for the classes in the early morning and my mind kept of talking for the whole night. I wasn't able to sleep properly. The alarm went off in the morning. I woke up but didn't really felt like attending the classes. There was a struggle in mind as to attend the class or not and I ended up staying. I wasn't able to sleep after that. I was laying in the bed wide awake and feeling bad. My brain was hinting me "Hey, you are feeling bad, why don't you watch porn and relieve yourself". As soon as I noticed this thought popping up I got off the bed and to my study table and started studying. Later in the morning, I exercised and meditated for while which I was planning to do for a while. The rest of the day was good.

I think the problem with the classes is not necessarily the timing but something else. I gotta work on-
1. The habit of chasing perfection
2. My Fear of failure
3. Approval seeking behavior
One at a time.

blueRaccoon

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 109
    • View Profile
Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« Reply #15 on: February 05, 2019, 06:30:20 AM »
DAY #11

Clean with no cravings but not much progress.

Trouble sleeping!! My mind won't stop. All the random thoughts keep popping in my head. Just like yesterday, I didn't attend the class. I woke up but convinced myself to try to sleep again. I wasn't able to sleep and my mind started searching for the P inside my head. I immediately got off the bad and to the study table like yesterday. I skipped Exercising and meditation today. The random thoughts which were confined to bad time only have started to appear in the day too. I am doing something else but my mind keeps on wandering everywhere else. The rest of the day was a bit dull for me. I haven't been doing anything at all and it sucks!!

Rebooter2019

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 300
    • View Profile
Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« Reply #16 on: February 05, 2019, 11:18:27 AM »
@blueRacoon Yeah, I know how it feels like... sorry that that you have to feel it too.

I manage to push myself to do the thing that I normally have a passion for like training and nutrition. Thought, I've made these two an habit long time before entering this periode so that help alot. Meditation is fairly new for me so it can be a struggle from time to time, but I feel slightly better after a session.

But, I have trouble to go to school and study and anything outside my habits right now ans it really sucks, because I have still so much left to do!

But man!!! We can do it, we have to stay strong and like I've read in a journal(don't remember which one though sorry!) Sometimes, we have to act like robot and do things mechanically in order to have a productive day.

blueRaccoon

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 109
    • View Profile
Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« Reply #17 on: February 06, 2019, 05:46:15 AM »
@blueRacoon Yeah, I know how it feels like... sorry that that you have to feel it too.

I manage to push myself to do the thing that I normally have a passion for like training and nutrition. Thought, I've made these two an habit long time before entering this periode so that help alot. Meditation is fairly new for me so it can be a struggle from time to time, but I feel slightly better after a session.

But, I have trouble to go to school and study and anything outside my habits right now ans it really sucks, because I have still so much left to do!

But man!!! We can do it, we have to stay strong and like I've read in a journal(don't remember which one though sorry!) Sometimes, we have to act like robot and do things mechanically in order to have a productive day.

Thanks @Rebooter2019. I hope to get over this phase soon. I need to control my emotions lest they control me.

blueRaccoon

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 109
    • View Profile
Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« Reply #18 on: February 06, 2019, 06:02:43 AM »
DAY #12

Clean with cravings and a hell lot of frustration.

I was frustrated for the entire day and there were cravings. I feel the frustration is a result of the right decisions I have to make from now on and also because of my struggle against it. Today was the 9th clean day. The initial days were a bit easy as I have gotten rid of the major source of P (smartphone) but I guess 9 days is the maximum I could go without putting an effort. The cravings and frustration was a sign that I have to change whether I feel like it or not. The laziness I carry as my cape has to go.
I got two voices in my head and I have to obey the right one no matter what!!

This is where my life begins.

Rebooter2019

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 300
    • View Profile
Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« Reply #19 on: February 06, 2019, 07:30:00 AM »
DAY #12
The cravings and frustration was a sign that I have to change whether I feel like it or not. The laziness I carry as my cape has to go.
I got two voices in my head and I have to obey the right one no matter what!!

This is where my life begins.

That's right man and you're already on the right track! We would have seen that we had to change alot sooner if the brain would have been on our side and not just wanted his high, but here we are with some valuable lesson of life!
So, Keep going and stay strong!! We can make it to the end... Freedom!!!

Rakses

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 66
  • Personal Text
    Who i am? Where i am? Why i am? Dunno and look'in
    • View Profile
Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« Reply #20 on: February 06, 2019, 11:23:02 AM »
DAY #12

Clean with cravings and a hell lot of frustration.

I was frustrated for the entire day and there were cravings. I feel the frustration is a result of the right decisions I have to make from now on and also because of my struggle against it. Today was the 9th clean day. The initial days were a bit easy as I have gotten rid of the major source of P (smartphone) but I guess 9 days is the maximum I could go without putting an effort. The cravings and frustration was a sign that I have to change whether I feel like it or not. The laziness I carry as my cape has to go.
I got two voices in my head and I have to obey the right one no matter what!!

This is where my life begins.


I feel the same frustration now buddy. It's... frustrating xD
I think it is best now to flow on the motion of our lives and to avoid porn. Patience is the key in PMO our life will settle down in place eventually. :)
I want to know the nature of my life.
For that i need to be sober, clean, clarified, perceptive.
All that is impossible unless i quit my addictions.
Szukalski said "Sexual energy is the one that make human being create. How i am suppose to create myself if i waste it on PMO. I have to stop.

blueRaccoon

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 109
    • View Profile
Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« Reply #21 on: February 07, 2019, 06:49:41 AM »
@Rebooter2019, Exactly!! Now the junky brain has to learn the lessons. It really feels better to get some things sorted out. Though there are many lessons and sorting which need to be done, I'll get them one at a time. I have noticed that when I put an end to one debate/problem in my head, another one pops up but it's not something unnecessary as these might be the issues which were fueling my addiction. Getting rid of them feels like taking a step closer to the freedom we desire.

@Riki, frustration is gone for now. I guess it would be an on-and-off thing for a while. I appreciate your advice. Gonna flow with the motion of life.

blueRaccoon

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 109
    • View Profile
Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« Reply #22 on: February 07, 2019, 07:07:39 AM »
DAY #13

Clean with no cravings.

Slept well. No random thoughts troubling me. I have started to have some insights about my behavior and usual day-to-day actions. I never really paid any attention to them earlier but now I am able to easily notice them. It feels like my brain is always on alert to watch out for anything which "I SHOULD BE DOING BUT I AM AVOIDING" and one slight hint from the brain is enough to get me doing it most of the time. The next step is to make a schedule and get all the important things done which need dedicated time slots.
The rest of the day was normal, I was a bit productive as I was doing what I should have done.
Looking forward to the next day!

Rebooter2019

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 300
    • View Profile
Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« Reply #23 on: February 07, 2019, 11:10:46 AM »
Nice job, man! Almost 2 weeks, you're doing great! It's nice that you start to see things your brain was trying to hide from you. It will help you further along the line!

Stay strong and clean, you're right on the path :)

blueRaccoon

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 109
    • View Profile
Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« Reply #24 on: February 08, 2019, 05:45:42 AM »
Nice job, man! Almost 2 weeks, you're doing great! It's nice that you start to see things your brain was trying to hide from you. It will help you further along the line!

Stay strong and clean, you're right on the path :)

Thanks!! 3 days to go to reach 2 weeks of sobriety.  ;D