Author Topic: Getting there  (Read 93 times)

Clown

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Getting there
« on: August 04, 2019, 02:00:12 PM »
It has been just over 7 months since I have looked at porn. I feel that I am passed the main danger point now, but still feel the pang. Not much, or often, but I feel it. The pangs are just like the time when I stopped smoking; I notice it for what it is and breath with it, and it very quickly goes. I always stopped looking at porn as soon as I got into a relationship, except for my last one; it was about two years into the last relationship I had when I started the habit. And I consider every time that I went back to porn after a relationship a remission. I remember when there were just magazines and I could masturbate to, say 30\40 something plump women, the same pictures, with out the need to search for more. My standards for me were set at normal.
One of the things about excessive porn use was that my my standards were not not normal. One of the things that porn did (my interaction with and excessive use\consumption of) was to loose touch with the reality of how women look, or should look. On the one hand I really did not care, as people come in all shapes and sizes, and that I really enjoyed the different shapes and sizes that people come in, and still do. I am fascinated with all of the different shapes and sizes, contours, hair colour, facial features and shapes and so on. There are about 7 billion people on the planet and people are so different.
And as I write this I realise that I am not really ashamed any more. What is done is done and I just move on.
I little while ago I came across some pictures of women just after they had given birth and whether it is a C-section scar or a belly that has been well stretched by pregnancy. Porn and the general attitude as to how women should look is distorted. This is a general societal thing as well. Women are also just as guilty as perpetuating the male myth. Saying that, I do like warrior type women, I don't mind being the bitch. I was always the one to be asked out, except for my last partner. I say this as a lot of people still believe that this is the male role, that women cannot decide, that the decision lays with the man! One the other hand I do not care how a woman looks. This was a massive conflict in me as I knew that how some one looked is not important but still having societal and porn influences was difficult. Looking at and reading about post-partum women was and is a great way for me to get back into contact with the reality of things, as there is still so much stigma and shame around this. Women struggling to get the perfect figure back after giving birth.
One of the main things about the information about porn addiction and how the brain moulds its self around what we interact with, and how what we interact with such and such, is that this is applicable to everything in life, it is how something becomes acceptable or unacceptable, what we like or do not like.
With this in mind I decided to look at, to re-educate my self, my brain, what is really there. I always knew that porn was fantasy and that fantasy is not real life, but it still influenced me.
A really good example of this was a short clip I saw on the internet where a family was in the living room watching TV and the Grandma was using one of these virtual reality masks. Her, I assume, daughter stroked the grandmas arm and the grandma went mental, like she was still in the game. She absolutely flipped, as she did not know fantasy from reality. This is a very good example to us all. There are lots of people who believe that they know the difference and that they cannot be brain washed. I will say to these people, ‘BOLLOCKS’.
During a time when I stopped looking at porn in the middle of 2014 to the time when I relapsed at the end of 2015, I had 3 articles in magazines published, I got a new job and had a big and positive change in life circumstances. This was because I stopped looking at porn, I re-educated my self.
As I got deeper in to porn unreality I started to look at things I did not want in real life, which then educated my brain to what I though I wanted. I stayed away from any sort of control\rape\kidnapping stuff, anal which is just fucked up, animal or any of that shit but I did start to look at hairless and so-called ‘perfect’ women. Here is also a conflict for women. As well written about in Kurt Vonnegut’s book ‘Deadeye Dick’ where an amazingly beautiful woman, who was desired by all of the men, eventually killed her self because she hated her looks. Kurt Vonnegut has amazing insights into people and is a very down-to-earth person.
What I am saying for my self is that there was a tremendous conflict and I have a tendency to really over think things and porn made that more complicated. Most of the women I started to look at were young and shaved. This, again, was a lie for me as with every partner I had I always said that they did not need to shave anything if they did not want to, and they did not feel the need to shave. And when did it not become OK for women to sweat, to have sweaty armpits? I even look at Instagram topics on women not shaving just re-educate my self, to remind my self what is my norm. Shaving is a choice and nothing else.
 I have realised how much I lost site of what was normally totally OK with me. I really find older women attractive. Not all of course but those who fit into what I like. I\we loose contact with the humanity. Even during my porn times I did try to find older women and I don't mean 26 to 30, I mean 30 and way up wards, but you know how it is. What a load of bull shit. Who am I to judge, what with my pot belly and being 52 years old. I am not coming at this from any moral or religious point of view. Just for the record it is my opinion that a meaningful relationship with a 20 something is possible, and that prostitution is OK; it is the people who control it who are not. It is like that I am supposed to fancy this or that film star, until they are  twenty five or so then they become uninteresting. This is starting to change in society now, which is good. What I am also saying here is that this is not just about porn, this is about societal norms as a whole. Just look at the images teens are bombarded with. They are fucked up enough by going through pubity with out the rest of the shit that is supposed to be realistic standards for them. I am living in the south of Germany at this time in Bayern (Bavaria), which can get very cold in winter and I have seen teenage girls walking around with out proper winter clothes because it is not cool and they are literally blue???
Who decides when someone becomes unattractive? US. When I look at young women in their 20’s I know how they will look in 20\30\40 years. Does this mean that they are no longer interesting when they are older? Rubbish!!
At the moment I am doing something that I would not recommend, unless you feel absolutely certain that you have passed the danger point. I look at cat walk models who are wearing see-through tops and just look at what is there, beyond the sexuality. I look at see through clothing of supposedly perfect women and see it for what it is. These were also some of the things that led me back to porn in the passed. I feel the pull, but it is the cigarette effect for me. I breath and move on. I also absolutely do not want to look at women like this and just think of masturbating, so I train my self. I want to make sure that I do not see ‘perfection’, rather, I just see a human. I was fed up being distracted by boobs years ago, but I allowed my self to remain distracted. No more. Well, maybe sometimes. On this point the is a film called ‘Free the Nipple’ with is based on real ideologies, that women want to be able to walk topless with out it being a sexual thing. I sort of agree with them, but it is a way in the future and we as men have to deal with this. But I sort of agree as there are practicalities to not going topless, but why should they all be on the perv circuit. Men can. However, it is interesting that the women in the film were almost ‘perfect’. Have have had a lot of bra-burners as friends and colleagues and they do not look like that. That is another thing why becoming a porn addict was really bad for me. I am really into the gender equality thing and have always been so, no matter what gender you are, you choose to be. I am not into the gender stereo types. Not having this need to be indoctrinated by porn has brought so much peace to me, and I have started to remember who I am. I have also distanced my self from a lot of the gender equality and bra burning stuff. First, to make some one equal to me means that they were not equal to me in the passed. And I feel that a lot of the female rights stuff has turned in to man hating. I suppose what I am also saying is that by not tolling the internet for ‘babes and boobs’ has brought a lot of clarity to me. 
I love looking at people, at their clothes, how they present them selves, and I want to do this free of distraction. I still feel a moment of uncomfortableness when my eyes pass over breasts, arses, legs in skirts and so on, but I have really gone into this and I look at men the same way, but it is not sexual. So what is the difference. The difference is only how I perceive it. I look at people the same. Yet there is still a conflict.
 And then there are the up-tight women who say that I am not looking at them with respect. Women get the  wrong impression when I look at them. I sort of understand this as women do not want to be looked at like a piece of flesh. But everybody looks at everybody. Fuck'in get over yourself. There is a lot that needs to be changed. But as far as I am concerned, I am getting there. People are getting so up tight and so politically correct them they have forgotten to laugh at them selves. I\we will be able to laugh about this. Many men have forgotten to laugh about this, while trying so hard to respect women. From experience I also know that many of these men, while they may not be addicted, look at porn, look at unrealistic images of women (and Men) on a regular basis. It is important for those of us who have had this addiction that we are not the only ones who perpetuate unrealistic norms and standards.
I write about stuff like this even though it may not make sense to me at the time, but writing about it helps to bring sense and clarity.