Author Topic: My wife is worth it  (Read 1555 times)

BeerMan

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My wife is worth it
« on: January 23, 2019, 11:16:33 AM »
Here I sit on day 26 PM free.  I can't say O free because my wife and I did our thing last Saturday.  I tried to perform without the Cialis script the doc gave me, but was unsuccessful.  That was my first time taking the pill.  I am glad I have it to fall back on and also that I have a loving and supportive wife of 22 years.  I didn't realize the cause of my ED could possibly be because of my 20 year porn addiction.  I figured it was because I am about to turn 41 and that happens to guys my age.  I made the porn connection when I discovered I could still get rock hard and finish to porn but couldn't get hard for my wife whom I have been having amazing sex with weekly for the past 22 years.  I really don't understand how after 20 years of porn, why are my symptoms just now surfacing?  It was only a couple months ago my problems started but it was also a few months ago that I discovered what I know to be the worst and last stage of my addiction.  I actually got the headset for my phone over a year ago and I dabbled in VR porn then but I never immersed myself in it until a couple months ago.  Two days a week I have the house to myself and half of them days was spent with PMO.   The other days I would race home and have a couple hours before my family got home and that was more than enough time to feed my new and exciting addiction.  Usually 4 or 5 days a week I was taking my dopamine levels to ridiculous heights. 
I have always believed that the power of our own mind is greater than any addiction if we could just endure long enough to allow the healing process.  I am adapting that mentality to my porn issue now.  I fought the battle with nicotine and won.  I fought the battle with alcohol and won.  That one was particularly difficult because I drank every day for 20 years and, without going into to many details, it almost cost me my marriage so I knew alcohol had to go.  I haven't had a drink in a year and 10 months.   I've always known I had to quit viewing porn because honestly I felt like it was a form of betrayal towards my wife and that should've been enough for me to quit but the high it gave me always drew me back.  Now, high or not, I am determined to never view it again because my dick's broke!   No amount of porn is worth it if the result now is I can't have sex with my wife.   After the fourth time throwing a limp noodle at my wife I went to the doctor.   I couldn't stand the though of her thinking she was the reason I couldn't get hard.   Everything checked out fine so the only thing that makes sense is the porn.  So far my wife has been very supportive and I am grateful.  I do however think she would't be so understanding and patient if she knew about my porn addiction.  I know some say that part of healing is to divulge the issues to your significant other and that may be the best scenario in certain cases, but I know my wife well enough to understand that would do more damage to her and further delay my healing.
Lets be honest.  We as men are very visual creatures.  For me, having sex with the same woman for the past 22 years may have put me in some sort of mental rut.  My wife has always been gorgeous to me even though she has been through some appearance changes over the years.  Hell, she had my 3 kids so I would never expect her to look the way she did when she was 19.  I do still work out and try to say in shape mainly because I have always liked the way my wife looks at me when I take my shirt off.  Makes me feel good, but I know I have went through some body changes too.  For 20 years porn gave my brain such and exciting variety of perfect women.  I didn't realize the damage it was causing.  My ED problem has only been going on for a couple of months so I do hope I have discovered the cause and corrected it in time.  I also hope I'm not so damaged that my recovery time is lengthy.  I am only on day 26 since I discovered nofap and the way no PMO can hopefully cure my issue.  I was disappointed I wasn't able to perform without Cialis last Saturday.  All last week I was hornier then ever.  I got morning wood every morning.   Hot girls at work or the store got my blood pumping.   I wanted to see if my dick still worked without me touching it so I got my phone out and just looked at a non-porn picture of a pretty chick on FB.  My junk stood at attention without even touching it.  I was sure I was ready for my wife!  Then....nothing.  I think now it may be a combined issue with performance anxiety and my ugly porn addiction.  I did self stimulate myself yesterday, not to the point of orgasm, but to just make sure my soldier still worked.  That was my first time taking Cialis and I just needed to reassure myself everything was fine since the medicine has wore off.  All checked out.   

So here I sit on day 26 and I've got the house to myself all day.  I really don't have to fight the urges to PMO too much because I can see the prize that awaits.  I have been reading these forums the past several days and the success stories have really boosted my confidence.  I do know PMO would've been an awesome way to kill time the next several hours, but I have beat addiction in the past and I know myself well enough that I'm sure I can beat this too.  I don't want to rely on Cialis but I am glad it's there while I am hopefully healing because my wife needs it about 3 or 4 times a month.  It would be more but we always seem to have a house full of teenagers. 

A side note----

When I decided to give up drinking I started going to AA meetings.  I'm not entirely confident AA was the reason I stayed sober.  They had me believe I needed to keep going in order to stay sober.  I stopped going after I received my 6 month sobriety chip for 2 reasons.  First reason was because the regulars in the meetings seemed to me like they made going to AA their new addiction.  They had to go 3 times a week or they felt like they were failing.  My sponsor told me I needed to keep going to stay sober.  I didn't share that same feeling.  I do text him every now and again to reassure him that I'm still sober.   The second reason is what I referred to earlier.  I do believe the power of our own mind is bigger than any addiction.  In this case, the fact that my dick doesn't work right and I want to continue to sexually please my wife is enough for me to NEED to beat this addiction.  There will always be a "good enough" excuse to feed any addiction but we are the only ones standing in our way from true recovery and a happy life.   AA teachings suggest to turn your addiction over to a higher power.  Well, for me, my higher power is God.  I am not an overly religious man but I do believe that God is bigger than any addiction.  That has been proven to me.   As ashamed as I am of my 20 year porn addiction that only God and myself know about (and now all you people), I have faith that he can fix this for me too.  I also believe that God is way closer to us than we realize but that's an entirely different discussion.

I hope to report back as I progress.  From what I've read it can be a truly up and down roller coaster.  All the success stories suggest there is light at the end of the tunnel and that gives me hope.  Feels good to get this off my chest.

-Thanks for listening



« Last Edit: January 23, 2019, 01:29:09 PM by BeerMan »

Corey_Balboa

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Re: My wife is worth it
« Reply #1 on: January 23, 2019, 12:45:46 PM »
Hello beerman, and congratulation for this beginning full of hopes. I'm only day 4 and time goes by to slowly for me.
Regarding last Saturday experience, you shouldn't blame yourself, things that are happening are probably beyond our knowledge and our control. The only thing we can keep faith in is the result we are aiming.
Also, I'm no specialist but from what I read, you should avoid checking pretty pictures on FB or visual excitment, because it is the dopamine path that has been activated all these years. Visual should take a part in the whole process of making love along with all the other senses. This is today our problem I guess, only relying on visual input, so keep your eyes for your beautiful wife  ;)

Have you seen the "How to be a sex god" video ?The guy is pretty smart. He explains that one way to get out of ED is to concentrate on sensations during sex. I tried to investigate a bit more about it, started looking in tantrism, but stopped fearing this could get a bit to steamy for someone that is only beginning the journey  :) But it might be worth a look in 90 days or so. 
« Last Edit: January 23, 2019, 12:50:13 PM by Corey_Balboa »

BeerMan

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Re: My wife is worth it
« Reply #2 on: January 23, 2019, 12:59:31 PM »
I will definitely check out that video.  This is all new territory for me because when my wife and I had sex I was always ready to go before the clothes even came off. 
I did also read how social media and other different online non-porn visually stimulating related content isn't good during the healing process either so I am refraining the best I can from that as well too. 
Guess I'll just be using my internet for this site and email for the time being I suppose.

BeerMan

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Re: My wife is worth it
« Reply #3 on: January 24, 2019, 06:14:08 PM »
Day 27
I feel pretty much the same as I did a couple weeks ago.  Just kinda horny and can't really keep sex off my mind.  I noticed after my wife and I had sex last Saturday,  I didn't really start craving it again until I guess probably the following Monday.   I for sure would use porn as a crutch several times  between our sessions.  It's always a weekend hook up with us and I know the reason I used porn is really just to pacify me until our next round.   Even after 22 years I was literally excited about the chance to get back in her every time.  She's  just that good.  ;)   
I've got a couple more days until Saturday and the anxiety I have just keeps building.  She is very understanding but I can't help but to be terrified.  What if my dick still won't respond to her?  What is really going through her head if it doesn't?   What if I need a pill again to satisfy her?   Not gonna lie, I seriously feel like less of a man now because I may have to rely on a pill.  Sometimes we have to skip a week because it's difficult to find the alone time. (Damn kids)  I use to hate to skip a week but I am secretly hoping we do so my body has more time to recover.   
Honestly not watching porn has been a cake walk for me so far.  Mostly  because I think it broke my dick and that shit isn't cool.  If not watching it fixes me, then I'm all in.

Pcpowder

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Re: My wife is worth it
« Reply #4 on: January 24, 2019, 07:03:54 PM »
Hi Beerman,

I'm right there with you on day 27 myself.  It hasn't been super hard thus far to give up the porn for me either. Given up the MO has been the toughest.  I filled in the gaps between sessions with the wife with PMO and while not missing the porn, I do miss the release and I think it would free my mind to concentrate on other things.  Right now I just think about sex all day

I have been using ED Meds for years to treat my ED, which until 27 days ago I didn't realize it was PIED.  I'm not sure if its the right approach, but I have come to terms with continuing to use ED Meds through this healing process.  I think having PIED is then combined with performance anxiety and becomes a vicious cycle.    Who knows, you could be healing from your PIED, but the performance anxiety kicks in and you still can't get it up, how do you know which issue is causing it?  I also could not take any more of the frustration nor the look on my Wife's face when it wouldn't rise.  I hate to think about what goes through her mind and it's not her, It's me.  So I figured to take the performance anxiety issue off the table for now and concentrate on getting rid of the PIED. 

Of course, my biggest fear is becoming reliant on the ED drugs.  My goal is to slowly try and wheen myself from them when I get further down the road in my reboot whether that's 3 months or 6 months who knows.  I have already been toying with less ED meds.  The other day I got home early from work and my wife was in the shower and she asked me to join her.  I immediately panicked and was worried about being able to perform.  I took a 1/3 of my usual dose and jumped in the shower.  She had me hard in under 5 minutes.  I am counting that as a success as Viagra takes about 30 minutes to start working so I don't think rising to the occasion had anything to do with the V. 

Good luck and keep at it!

BeerMan

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Re: My wife is worth it
« Reply #5 on: January 25, 2019, 04:27:44 PM »
Day 28
Wow is all I can say about the dream I had last night.  I've never in my life had a wet dream and I didn't last night but I just can't believe how vivid it was.  It was my wife (who never really has been a part of my fantasies).  She turned around facing me.  She had on a sexy business type outfit and sexy glasses.  She does wear glasses from time to time and it does make her look extra hot.  (Glasses, also one of my fetishes)  She pulled me in and kissed me.  A full out sloppy, sexy kiss.  I swear she had just brushed her teeth because I could even taste the toothpaste on her tongue!   Holy shit man!  That was just a dream.  I woke up immediately with a full blown hard on. 
I leave for work in the middle of the night.  Probably another reason we don't have sex as much as I want is because our schedules and sleep patterns are so different.   I always kiss her good bye.   Usually she is sleeping so soundly she barely acknowledges me.  That's ok though.  This morning I took my time with the kiss.  Just the smell of her was making me hard.  My day started out with me horny as shit and it just continued all day.   I work in hospitals on occasion and all the hot nurses were driving me crazy.  One nurse said something to me about my work that didn't really require a response from me.  I believe she was just being flirtatious.   
I am home now and got a couple hours to chill before my wife gets home.   All this built up sexual energy and no where to release it.  I still hate porn because of what it did to me so I'm going to stay the course, but today is an example of how I use to rush home to my VR porn.  Probably would've released to hot nurses or something.  90% of my PMO I used a fleshlight too because I always preferred the feeling of the real thing (even though it was technically fake) verses my hand.  My hand was ok if I had to rub one off in the shower real quick but it was nothing like the rush I got from the virtual reality and the fleshlight.  Damn man, my hearts racing just thinking about it.
Still not sure if my wife and I will be able to get it on tomorrow or not.  I want to try real bad and with out the pill.  The way I feel right now just thinking about it makes me think I'd have no problems but it terrifies me a little not knowing.  If I see it's going to happen then I'll probably just take one to be sure.  The feeling of inadequacy and depression that comes over me now when I can't get it up is so overwhelming.
Sucks this is happening to me.   Not feeling sorry for myself but it just fucking sucks.  Last week before we had sex I woke up several morning rock hard.  Woke up Saturday after a quick nap rock hard.  She grabbed my junk and said she was glad I was fixed.  Then Saturday night I couldn't get it up to save my life.  I did try to get some last Friday before we went to sleep because I was horny and already semi hard so I thought it would work but she declined because she hadn't showered and she always has to shower before we mingle. I do notice that I'm not that horny at night and that may have something to do with my job.  I do get super tired around 7 and 8 o'clock and that's when she has the most energy.   
I understand women can have their own type of sexual frustrations but what's good for them is they can still do it.  If they aren't wet enough then break out the ky.  Problem solved.  Now that I am having this stupid ED issue, If I can't get it up,  we just can't have sex.
I seriously can't wait for my body and mind to rewire.   I desperately want to go back to having the amazing sex we were having.  I do know sex isn't everything in a marriage but now that it changed drastically it's become the focus of my attention.   I need this fixed.

BeerMan

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Re: My wife is worth it
« Reply #6 on: January 26, 2019, 09:06:24 PM »
Day 29
Tonight was an absolute success.   Don't think I'm out of the woods completely but the session my wife and I had was epic.  I wasn't expecting anything because of her signs so I didn't even pop a pill.  We went to bed to just chill and watch tv.   She came on to me and my body reacted the way it was supposed to.  Can't hardly explain the relief I feel right now.

BeerMan

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Re: My wife is worth it
« Reply #7 on: January 27, 2019, 09:44:01 AM »
Day 30
I sit here this morning with a new sence of confidence.   I am still just so relieved I was able to get it up last night without taking Cialis.  I know I'm only 30 days in on my journey but I truly believe giving up PMO was the best thing I could have done.  Given up Porn so my brain could rewire makde sence to me.  Giving up masturbation I was skeptical about but here's my 2 cents on that.....
The main thing I noticed about giving up M is the sexual energy that builds up.  I was able to concentrate that sexual energy on just my wife.  Giving up P I believe allowed me to appreciate everything about her and allowed my soldier to respond to my gorgeous wife.  I am starting to really like the way I feel since I gave up Porn.   Not just regarding sex, but my mental state in general as well.  From what I have read I'm sure there are still going to be some up's and down's.  I am eager to see how much better my life becomes.

Pcpowder

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Re: My wife is worth it
« Reply #8 on: January 27, 2019, 03:07:41 PM »
Congratulations Beerman that is terrific.  That boost of confidence is such a good feeling, definitely hold on to it and use it the next time you feel urges.  Remember the feeling you felt last night and are still feeling today. 

BeerMan

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Re: My wife is worth it
« Reply #9 on: January 28, 2019, 09:06:48 AM »
Day 31
I have the whole day to myself again.  The urge to PMO is so very week now.  The benefits I am experiencing not PMOing far outweigh the allure of it right now.   I am really just disappointed it took PIED for me to discover YBOP.   Wish I would've found it years ago.  Nevertheless here I am.  Making great strides and reaping the benefits of no PMO.   I was thinking about the first time my ED surfaced and that made me concentrate on that and not porn.  2 weeks went by and I was still not PMOing when I discovered my problem.  Wasn't until about week 3 my libido slowly started to return.  Didn't realize how weak it had become.  I read about the flatline and I'm assuming that's what I was in for about the first couple weeks or so.  My dick felt kinda lifeless and I wasn't giving it any attention because I was depressed about my ED.  Now my libido feels stronger than ever.  I have MW practically every morning now.  Sex with my woman was amazing last Saturday.   
PMO was really the only addiction left I was holding on to.  I kicked the nicotine habbit a while ago.  Stopped drinking a year and 10 months ago.  Now giving up PMO.  I was clinging on to all the bad habits I thought made life worth living and didn't want to admit they were the reason for the majority of my problems.  It really amazes me how much better I feel without thoes bad habits.
I'm not going to live forever so I am going to focus on being the absolute best version of me I can possibly be.  I not only owe that to the ones I care about, but I owe it to myself as well.

BeerMan

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Re: My wife is worth it
« Reply #10 on: January 30, 2019, 09:10:36 AM »
Day 33
I don't fear I'll relapse but I understand how easy it could be done.  I still browse social media.  I'm quick to scroll past the risque pictures.  I don't  believe it's necessarily wrong to admire a picture of a beautiful woman but I don't want to hinder the progress I'm making.  The last couple weeks I have been browsing YouTube, which is something I literally never did before, and have found all sorts of helpful videos regarding nofap, and ED therapy treatments.   Some are interesting and others seem bogus.  I was watching yesterday and after a couple clicks I started a video of a hot girl.  I only watched for about 10 seconds maybe before I quickly turned it off, but in that 10 seconds I was fixated.  That video literally had nothing to do with the genre of videos I had been viewing.   I swear I heard the devil on my shoulder tell me it'd be fine if I kept watching.  After all, it wasn't porn.  The old me would've seen that YouTube chick then immediately clicked over to pornhub.  It's not an overwhelming urge anymore, but I still feel it there.
This is a slippery slope.

BeerMan

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Re: My wife is worth it
« Reply #11 on: February 04, 2019, 01:30:33 PM »
Day 38
Now that I feel like I'm somewhat back in control, it's crazy to think about the pattern I was in.  For years I would get so excited about the opportunity to PMO.  I wouldn't be discouraged if it didn't happen but I was content because I knew how I was going to spend my alone time.  Since I can remember MO was one of my favorite things to do in life.  When I started having sex my excitement escalated.   Then introducing porn in the mix, well,  I didn't think life could get any better.  I've never cheated on my wife but I'm ashamed to say I did think about it quite a bit and I know now Porn had alot to do with that.  I could literally never look at a pretty woman normally because my porn drenched mind wanted her in thoes scenarios.   As men I believe it's in our nature to lust because beautiful women trigger a response in me whether I like it or not.  I would use Porn to relieve thoes fantasies and, as a result, it gave me such a warped sense of reality.
Talking to and seeing hot girls everyday was always a PMO trigger for me and because they will never go away I'm learning to think about them as just what they are, beautiful women and not porn fanatics.
I think maybe the PIED was God's way of smacking some sence into me. 
My wife and I couldn't find any alone time this past weekend so I'm looking forward to next weekend.  After all, sex still ranks up there pretty high on my list of favorite things to do.  I was able to perform pretty good last time without the pill so I'm hoping for another promising encounter.   

BeerMan

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Re: My wife is worth it
« Reply #12 on: February 06, 2019, 09:10:36 AM »
Day 40
Going back to the doc today for a check up.  I don't really need to go because I figured out what was causing my ED but I've got the day off and don't have anything better to do so I'll keep this appointment.   Wonder if my doc even knows about PIED.  He never mentioned it on my first visit a month ago.  I'm not about to educate him.  Maybe he'll figure it out on his own like I did.
Still no big urges to PMO.  I am liking how my body is reacting without it.  It would be easy to fall back in that routine if there weren't any consequences, but there are so, F that.  Thankfully I'm not a person who needs to create other things to do in my spare time.  I do have plenty of other things to do that would keep my mind off porn but ultimately I am the one in control of my actions.  I can just chill with the dogs and watch tv which is probably what I'll do after my doc appointment.   It is a gloomy, rainy,  cold day in February.

BeerMan

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Re: My wife is worth it
« Reply #13 on: February 07, 2019, 04:52:43 PM »
Day 41
Caught myself browsing YouTube again.  It's weird how just one slightly hot girl that shows up there peeks my interest.  After a half hour I had to shut it down because I could feel myself wanting more.   The slighty hot girls on YouTube were starting to give me a chubby.   I don't want to ruin any progress I've made.  I have noticed my libido seems alot stronger now that I've cut out PMO.  I've always had a pretty good sex drive but it probably would've been over the top if it wasn't for me PMOing almost every day.  It's been 12 days since my wife and I got together so I'm really looking forward to this weekend. 
I'm still fairly confident I won't return to PMO but I'm a little disappointed that I can't use the internet for entertainment without risk of a trigger.   I'm giving up PMO to better myself and cure the PIED.  There's no way possible I could give up noticing hot girls even if I wanted to.  I'm only on day 41 so hopefully as more time passes I won't be tempted so bad just by browsing regular websites.   
Maybe it'll be like it was when I quit drinking.   After a few months sober it was on my mind alot.  I distanced myself from my friends. Now it's been almost 2 years and I know for a fact that part of my life is behind me.  I'm ok with being around people that drink now.  I don't hang out with my friends like I use to because they all still drink to get fucked up but now I can control thoes urges when I'm around them.

Well another day in the books.  Got the evening to myself again.  Wife and daughter won't be home until late and my son is going to an ultimate frisbee game with his buddies.   I'll be hanging out with my dogs and watching TV.   
I swear I've seen all the binge worthy shows Netflix has to offer.

BeerMan

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Re: My wife is worth it
« Reply #14 on: February 08, 2019, 04:00:57 PM »
Day 42
Wrote alot of cool stuff but for some reason it only posted a small portion of the beginning.   Not rewriting all that shit again.  I'll post again tomorrow.   

BeerMan

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Re: My wife is worth it
« Reply #15 on: February 09, 2019, 09:28:51 AM »
Day 43
I was writing yesterday about how weird it is that I had used porn all these years and the PIED is just now showing up.  I did still have great sex with my wife on a regular basis.  Maybe my brain was able to handle the regular porn and it was the VR porn that caused my problem.   Sucks that some of the fun, pleasurable things in life we seem wired to want ultimately have serious repercussions.   I get PMO is a learned behavior, but my brain looked at it like a reward so I had no plausible reason to quit until the PIED.  I can't justify sacrificing the sex life my wife and I share because of something that is in my control.   I don't care how satisfying the PMO was. 
I've always had a really good sex drive.  Way better than my wife's I believe.   Only because I want it all the time.  I went from releasing my sexual tension every day or every other day with pmo and weekly / biweekly sex, to no pmo all together and just weekly or biweekly sex with my wife.   My sex drive lately seems to be in overdrive because I've cut down so much.  I've always took notice of beautiful women but now I seem to be constantly scanning for the hottest ones.  I think pmo helped because there wasn't any judgement on the other side of the screen.  It's almost like I am wired to need it every day.  I can't just approach random hot girls and make sexual advances every day.  Not trying to make the news or anything.  I've just never suppressed my urges this long before so these are entirely new feelings and emotions I'm having.   I can't even go online to a regular website, or watch TV now without getting turned on.  Hell, even the sounds of their voice get me revved up.  That has never happened to me before! 
I can't close myself in a box and completely shut myself off to outside triggers so I guess I need to stop feeling bad because I get turned on by some of them.  Maybe I just notice more now because I stopped pmo.  Maybe this is what "normal" feels like. 
For the most part I do like the way I feel now.  I'm starting to get random erections throughout the day, without masterbating,  and that hasn't happened since I was a teenager.   I have MW every morning now and I'd put it to good use if I didn't leave the house so early.  My wife's always sound asleep when I leave for work.  My youngest child won't be out of the house for a couple more years but my wife is going to be in for a big surprise whenever we do get all that free time. 
Things can only get better right?

Pcpowder

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Re: My wife is worth it
« Reply #16 on: February 10, 2019, 01:58:48 PM »
Man, I can really relate to your last post.  I want to have regular spontaneous sex with my wife so bad but the fucking PIED is in the way.  I feel the same way about not sacrificing sex with my wife for PMO when it is in my control. 

I too have a higher sex drive than my wife, which I always knew, but giving up PMO has made me realize how much more.  I feel I need it every day as well, but do we really?  or is it 20+ years of conditioning with PMO every day, or in my case sometimes multiple times a day.  Whatever the case might be, it doesn't help the frustration of not having a daily release.  Honestly, sometimes i wish there was a pill that would kill my sex drive and rid myself of all sexual energy. 

BeerMan

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Re: My wife is worth it
« Reply #17 on: February 10, 2019, 04:41:44 PM »
Day 44
I was excited to get home yesterday  because I knew the kids were gone so it would just be me and the wife.  The spontaneous sex is a rare thing when you have a house full of kids so it always has to be a planned event.  With all the sexual energy I had built up, when we got down to business, it took me longer than I expected to rise to the occasion.  I did though but it did have me worried for a few minutes.   Probably more PA than anything at this point. 
I continue to take L arginine.   More out of habbit I guess because I've literally been taking it for years.  I read one journal where the guy was taking 3000mg a day split up.  I only take 1000mg a day and I tried to up the dosage to 2000mg but it gave me a bad headache so I'll stay with the 1000mg. 
Pretty good day overall.  Me and my wife woke up this morning and talked and laughed about stupid shit for about an hour before we got up.   Kinda nice really.  I am lucky to have such a good partner.

BeerMan

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Re: My wife is worth it
« Reply #18 on: February 11, 2019, 09:50:00 AM »
Day 45

Pcpowder-
Admittedly we don't need it every day.  I'm sure pmo has conditioned us that direction to a certain extent because it's so easily accessible.  On the flip side of that though, I remember when I first started masterbating.  I didn't understand the strong signals my body was telling me.  I only made the connection after I accidentally discovered it was my sex drive.  Masterbation wasn't taught in sex ed so I had to figure it out on my own.  When I discovered the urges my body was sending me, I raced home every day after school and jerked off in my room.  I did that for most of the year before I discovered any kind of visual stimulation.  I always had the blindes closed im my room until one day when I raced home to get started.  I was in the process of releasing when I caught a glimpse of the girl next door smoking a cigarette on her front porch.  Every day after that I'd jerk it looking out the window in hopes of catching a glimpse of my hot neighbor girl.  Sometimes I'd see her, sometimes not.  The one day that changed me was when I think she noticed me staring at her out my window with dick in hand.   I don't know that she did for sure because she never came knocking on our door to tell my parents I'm a little perv, but that embarrassed feeling was too much for me.  That's when I discovered the women's lingerie section in the Sears catalog and the national geographic magazines that would show the occasional tribal titty.  The rest as they say is history.   I must've been only 12 years old.

I suppose my need for a daily release started about 30 years ago.  I'm 41 now and my urges have never slowed down.  I can control myself now.  No more peeping out the windows at my hot neighbors.  I started having a regular amount of sex at 16.  That's probably around the time I started seeking out porn magazines too.  My wife and I have been together since we were 18.  I remember the early years when we first got internet.  It was dial up.  You all remember the sound of the modem dialing up AOL.  "You've got mail."  I would sit there and wait 10 minutes for a few pictures of hot girls to load up.  I remember calling my little brother freaking out and he had to walk me through how to clear my history.  Man, that was 20 years ago.

Nevertheless here I sit, 45 days clean of PMO.  I'm truly thankful I have a partner to help with the rewiring process.  Kinda sucks she has no idea she's participating but it's better for me this way.  Not trying to sound too selfish but right now it is about me.  I really don't think I'd be strong enough to stay away from pmo if I was single.  It would be days like today that would get me.  Work didn't call me in so I've got the entire house to myself for the next 10 hours.  It has only been 2 days since my wife and I had sex and my urges to release are super strong already.
So on that note,  I'm gonna go to Menards and try to redirect my sexual energy and buy some cool shit.

BeerMan

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Re: My wife is worth it
« Reply #19 on: February 12, 2019, 03:03:47 PM »
Day 46
It was difficult to get to sleep last night.  For whatever reason, right when my head hit the pillow I started having flashes of some VR girls.  I couldn't stop thinking about them.  Extremely vivid too!  Doubt it will ever be strong enough that I relapse but it was a reminder how bad I guess I was.  I know this is a fragile time right now.  I couldn't quit smoking or drinking on the first try but that's my goal with pmo.  PIED is the major motivator.   Way more than just my health.  Hell, if pmo just affected my physical health I'd probably never quit. 
My daily routine is so different now.  Just about every day I made time for pmo.  It was a fun way to kill time I'll admit.  I'm looking forward to a time when porn isn't even a thought for me anymore.  I'm doing pretty good without it but it's still right there just beneath the surface. 
Here's an interesting thought I had this morning.  I am waking up just about every morning now with MW which is such a nice change.  But, why do we as men have regular MW?  Maybe we have evolved as a species to reproduce first thing after a nights sleep and that's why a morning boner is practically automatic.  I don't know.   Just a stupid thought I had.  I haven't had the chance to put my newly acquired MW to good use yet but it feels like I could satisfy my wife repeatedly first thing in the morning. 

workinprogressUK

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Re: My wife is worth it
« Reply #20 on: February 13, 2019, 05:25:41 AM »
Nevertheless here I sit, 45 days clean of PMO.  I'm truly thankful I have a partner to help with the rewiring process.  Kinda sucks she has no idea she's participating but it's better for me this way.  Not trying to sound too selfish but right now it is about me.

Congrats on keeping yourself with the program and achieving real success. I'm in a similar situation with regard to having a partner who doesn't know that I'm rebooting. It does kind of suck to hold that back, you're right. But I think you do have to be a little selfish for a while until you've made a breakthrough. I'm trying to be a good in other areas of our relationship, because I can see her wondering why I'm not being physical. I just hope that staying "hard mode" for as long as I can helps. Wishing you every success.

Corey_Balboa

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Re: My wife is worth it
« Reply #21 on: February 13, 2019, 07:12:30 AM »
Hey guys, congratulations for your strong will, you are an inspiration for me.
I quite agree that unless we feel the need or that the work we ae doing here is changing dramaticaly our behavior, our SO shouldn't get involved about it. Sometimes because we deal something that is older that even our relationship, in order to understand you need to have the big picture. But as you said Beerman, I think that your partner is part of the recovery process. I really think that such a change brings us some kind of energy that is beyond our control or understanding. I see changes in the way I interact with people, but also the way I look my love one. Keep showing us the way !

Nevertheless here I sit, 45 days clean of PMO.  I'm truly thankful I have a partner to help with the rewiring process.  Kinda sucks she has no idea she's participating but it's better for me this way.  Not trying to sound too selfish but right now it is about me.

Congrats on keeping yourself with the program and achieving real success. I'm in a similar situation with regard to having a partner who doesn't know that I'm rebooting. It does kind of suck to hold that back, you're right. But I think you do have to be a little selfish for a while until you've made a breakthrough. I'm trying to be a good in other areas of our relationship, because I can see her wondering why I'm not being physical. I just hope that staying "hard mode" for as long as I can helps. Wishing you every success.

BeerMan

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Re: My wife is worth it
« Reply #22 on: February 13, 2019, 10:44:46 AM »
Day 47

Thanks workinprogress and balboa for the kind words.   This is such a very personal and private topic.  It's nice to be able to come on here and share.  This forum has become like therapy for me in a way. 
I am so different at this stage in my life.  I now think and try to react to problems with more patience than I had even 10 years ago.  If I need something to go my way, I've learned not to force the quick solution.   I've learned being patient yeilds better results.  Just being married and a father for so many years has taught me that. 
One of the last AA meetings I went to a guy pulled me aside and said, "maybe you're not an alcoholic."  I was the most functional alcoholic ever!  I never missed work.  I always paid my bills on time.  I always tried to be present for my family.  Deep down though I knew I was an addict.  I could feel it controlling me.  I was letting it control me.  In the AA circles I was sharing how ultimately we, as individuals,  are in control.  You control the problem or you let the problem control you.  You can move mountains if you put your mind to it.  My marriage was on unstable grounds a couple years ago and for the first time divorce was on the table.  It wasn't because of drinking.  It was mainly because my oldest son was a shit head and emotional momma bear took his side always.  I think she threw in the fact that I drank every day to help justify her feelings.  She drank too but I never cared.  Long story short, my oldest son grew up a little and calmed down, then moved out.  The relationship with my son is great now and that made my wife calm down too.  We are now stronger in our marriage than ever.  I just had to take a step back, focus on the long term, and be patient.
What I discovered in that journey was the rush I got from taking control of my alcohol addiction.  It was almost like being sober became my new addiction.  Life was just better.  I focused on understanding that I WAS in contol of the addiction and only I was going to be responsible for the direction my life took.  I never did hit "rock bottom" because of PMO but I understand that it has been a major addiction I've had for such a long time.  PIED made me confront it and face it head on.  Only 47 days in and the results are evident.  I feel better mentally and physically.  I feel like I can be better partner.  The PIED problem seems to be correcting itself.    I no longer feel hopeless.  Sure PMO would be a fun way to kill the next 10 hours or so.  I do have the house to myself again today, but I absolutely would hate to throw all that time I've invested away and start over.  I would hate myself if I allowed that to happen.  I already hate myself enough for allowing this problem to continue for so long.  Kicking this nasty habbit is turning into my new obsession.

On a side note -
Tomorrow is Valentine's day.   Don't forget!  ;)

BeerMan

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Re: My wife is worth it
« Reply #23 on: February 14, 2019, 03:00:00 PM »
Day 48

Work sucked today as usual.   Didn't think about pmo until I walked in the door.  Wife and kids won't be home until late tonight and my mind still automatically goes that direction when I know I can get away with it.   Kinda proud of myself though.  I have literally had hours upon hours of time to pmo the last 48 days but I've resisted.   Man I've really wasted a ton of time on that shit.  Pretty sure that temptation will be with me for the rest of my life.  I do still think about sex, like all the time.  I always thought about it before I gave up pmo and those urges haven't really calmed down.  In fact, I think they've gotten worse because I gave up PMO.   Porn was fun to look at and all but I'm pretty sure I was jacking off every day just to pacify myself until me and the wife could get together.   I do wish she wanted it as much as I do.  Her and my daughter are going away for the weekend on a trip they've had planned for a while.   It kinda bums me out because now I know it won't be for another week until we can get together.  Our only chance at alone time is always on a Saturday and even then it's hit or miss.  I'm just really eager to get down to business so I can see how I've progressed. Theoretically we should be empty nesters in 2 and a half years.  Then every day is fair play.   ;) 
I don't beg for it because that never worked out in my favor with her.  I've contemplated just MO but I don't want to mess up the progress I've made so far.  I don't know that it will, but better safe than sorry I suppose.

BeerMan

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Re: My wife is worth it
« Reply #24 on: February 15, 2019, 03:57:32 PM »
Day 49

I've been listening to some meditation music and supposed "healing" binerial beats on YouTube lately.   Not sure how effective the binerial beats are but I am liking the meditation music.  There are all kinds to choose from that tend to be condition specific.    Not sure why, but I've always felt somewhat inferior to practically everyone.  Most days my anxiety is through the roof.    I avoid people.  I feel completely shy and awkward around most people and I hate it.  I think it's social anxiety.  I overthink absolutely every situation, thinking of how many different ways it could go badly for me.  I feel like I need to hide when I'm in a room with just a few people even.  What's weird is literally no one else knows this about me except my wife and I know she has no idea the extent of it.   Our monthly meetings at work are an absolutely nightmare for me.  In the last 17 years I think  I only contributed once during a meeting and I remember it was just a few words and I literally felt sick to my stomach because every eye and ear was on me.  I know there's medicine that could help with that but I've seen what the dependency to thoes drugs has done to certain family members and I want no part of it. I have been feeling slightly better though since I gave up PMO.  Sounds weird to say that because I really don't understand what the connection would be.  I still have all the down time I had before when I'd pmo, but now I'm listening to more of the meditation videos.   I do feel more calm and relaxed throughout my day so maybe it's working.   I don't know if it's the relaxating meditation music, giving up PMO, or both.  I was just giving up PMO to fix my dick, but if it fixes my anxiety too, then that's a welcome bonus.