Author Topic: Is 2019 the year?  (Read 1606 times)

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #50 on: July 27, 2019, 06:41:20 PM »
That sounds like a good plan! I definitely think it's valuable to sit down and figure out what you really want in life. I don't know that you'll figure it out all at once (I've been working on it for a long time), but it is important to find some sense of purpose and to commit to doing things that help you feel like you're making progress and becoming your best self.

Pay attention to activities that you find fulfilling and enjoyable.

brandnewself

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #51 on: August 11, 2019, 01:42:06 AM »
Day 1 again.
Last reboot went on for 2 weeks. I'm on vacation and I was genuinely happy until I got caught in this "not doing anything" trap again and felt I needed a kick.
There are three types of cravings for me. 1. Feeling super horny and feeling all the blood down there. 2. Feeling like fapping but the feeling is not too strong (usually happens after relapses, chaser effect) 3. Not feeling horny at all, simply bored and empty inside and having nothing to do, then I would go for porn.

Surprisingly (Or not), the first type of craving is the easiest to get over with. I feel more determined to battle against this kind of feeling and could win at least 50/50. However, second and third are really hard for me. There isn't much to talk about chaser effect as it's quite natural. But the third one is the one I have to address as it's the one that kills my streak all the time. I could go on for a nice 20 days before giving in to this kind of craving. It would start with restlessness, and then binging on youtube and sometimes more extreme videos like car accidents or violence and eventually porn. It's my perfect recipe for relapse.

I'm not only addicted to porn but also all kinds of artificial stimulation. It doesn't have to be sexual at all.

Now I'm back to my home country and will start my internship tomorrow. A regular job will definitely help with my schedule and plan. I need to make use of this opportunity to have a regular life. It can help me establish some foundation for a routine life even after I go back to school.

Obviously I can't aim too high or else I will get disappointed. My biggest problem is I don't have any kind of hobby. Any! Planning to read books or learning languages or whatever seems like a perfect plan but it puts a high demand on my self-discipline which I don't have much left :'( The sad part is I don't know how to start a hobby even. I'm so used to doing nothing but watching videos or playing with my phone. Actually reading a book is something I do like, but I always get drawn to videos because they are bigger stimulants. Well, probably the best thing I can do is to just stick to "reading one page a day" of any book I like. I will feel tempted to do other things for sure but I have to start somehow. It's a fact and I gotta stop trying to find a shortcut. There is no shortcut. I have to start getting used to low stimulants environment. Only then will I be more motivated to start a hobby or something. Now everything kinda fades away compared to porn or extreme videos.

If you guys have any good suggestion, please let me know, I'd love to hear your opinion.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #52 on: August 11, 2019, 08:15:15 PM »
A regular schedule definitely helps. I know it has been helpful for me to create a schedule for my days. Even when I don't actually have anything on my calendar (like work or school), if I sit down and write down what I'm going to do and when, I end up having more productive days with less time-wasting activities.

And definitely think more about starting small and being consistent with it. A couple years ago, I started doing really basic yoga because I realized that I wasn't getting any exercise and that was all I could handle. Just in the last few weeks, I have started doing some strength training. I couldn't have started there, but doing something every day for a while eventually built me up to the point where I could do something more rigorous.

Think about habits. Focus on doing things consistently and replacing old habits of addiction with new, healthier ones. That is something that has helped me a lot.

brandnewself

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #53 on: August 18, 2019, 07:09:52 AM »
Day 8
Thanks BlueHeronFan!
Last week I started my internship and a fixed schedule like this definitely helped with my reboot. I don't need to do anything intentionally to distract myself from porn thoughts because I'm occupied. In this regard, I'm doing ok. But I'm constantly worried about my master's research. Since I'm not really interested in the topic and I just want the degree, I really have no motivation to read any paper whatsoever. I have one year before I have to submit my thesis but I'm not working on it. What's worse is that I feel obligated to do my research for my professor instead of for myself. I feel guilty if I have to talk to him because I'm not making any progress. He is really nice to me and he basically allowed this long summer break without me applying for a vacation officially (the school might not allow it considering that they give me scholarship).
I'm supposed to do my research for myself but I'm ashamed of myself for not working on it because I don't want to disappoint my professor. This is not a healthy "motivation" to do my research and I don't know how to get out of this cycle. It's the most important thing right now but I'm not doing anything about it. It's taking a toll on me and causing a lot of anxiety.
I think I need to be honest with my professor if I'm not making progress. Also I should treat it like a duty if I can't force myself to like it. I'll just read something related to my research for 30 min every day. This way at least I can start to feel better about myself. I need to start. Simple as that, I don't need to ask for any progress right now. Just read for 30 min. I can do that. I can do that.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #54 on: August 19, 2019, 04:53:28 PM »
Congrats on day 8!

That's a tough one, though. Sometimes we just have to get to work and figure out our motivations along the way. On some level, it might be better to make progress on the right thing for the wrong reasons than to sit around and do nothing until our motivations fix themselves. Plus, it's possible that you will find your own motivations once you get started.

Talking to your professor is probably a good idea. Maybe he can help you adjust your project so that it is more interesting to you. His job is to help you, so it can't hurt to let him know what's going on (especially if he is as nice as you say!)

Keep it going!

brandnewself

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #55 on: August 22, 2019, 08:54:44 PM »
Hey Blue thank you for your reply. I'm kinda fixed on my research direction so there isn't much to do regarding that. Honestly I probably wouldn't find something that interest me that much anyway because I don't want to do research at all. I just need to accept the fact that I'm not one of those academic materials and I just have to treat it as a job to finish in one year. Unfortunately I didn't succeed in this reading for 30 min everyday plan. I'm letting myself off for this week and starting from this weekend, I'll do it for 5 min every day. This sounds stupid because 5 min is nothing but I think that's my best bet if I want to start.

It's day 12. At home I feel more in peace and that's one of the reasons urges are not that strong. Besides that, I think I really overloaded my brain hard in the past year or two that I'm not tempted to use porn whatsoever physically. Psychologically, yes, the urges are still here. They're nagging me from time to time but so far I'm doing ok.
One of the issues I want to address inside is my push-over mentality or victim mentality. All the time I'm looking for someone else to make decisions for me and be responsible for me. I feel small and incompetent although I can learn things quickly. It's probably a low self-esteem issue but it might be changeable if I can adopt a better mindset. Part of me always wants to prove that I'm a worthy person yet I'm really scared of any failure or embarrassment. Subconsciously, I think, if I don't engage in something voluntarily then I don't need to be held responsible for the consequences. This could partly explain what happened in my research. From the beginning I never even tried to look for something that I might be interested in. I just waited and waited until my professor told me to do something. Also when I felt uncomfortable doing something I never said it because I'm a pushover. I just hoped things would work out but they didn't. They never will this way. We do things mainly for two reasons, either we "need to", or we "want to". Motivation is in charge of the latter but when we don't have the motivation, we have to rely on willpower, habit and a good mindset to do things. I can't always expect to have motivation so I have to work on other areas. I need to take matters in my own hand.

Lero

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #56 on: August 23, 2019, 09:18:01 AM »
Discovering who you really are is the tool that will take someone out of the void. Discovering what qualities we have, what weaknesses, and letting people know that's who we really are and if they don't like it, we don't have to be friends. I wouldn't even want to be friends with people who don't like me the way I am.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #57 on: August 23, 2019, 05:56:36 PM »
That's fair, research isn't for everyone. (I'm not sure it's for me either, honestly.) But it's not a waste if you learned something! And hey, knowing you have a job for a year (even one you aren't crazy about) isn't too bad either!

I really relate to your waiting for things to materialize. I have definitely spent a lot of time in my program so far just waiting for some kind of purpose to fall out of the sky and make sense to me. I'm starting to realize that I am going to have to make my own way if I want to get anywhere. I'm sure we'll figure this out with some time.

Congrats on 12 days! Keep it going!

brandnewself

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #58 on: August 24, 2019, 01:58:33 AM »
Discovering who you really are is the tool that will take someone out of the void. Discovering what qualities we have, what weaknesses, and letting people know that's who we really are and if they don't like it, we don't have to be friends. I wouldn't even want to be friends with people who don't like me the way I am.
Hi Lero, that's a greak way to look at it. I have to admit that fully accepting myself is very hard at the moment but I'm trying. I hope you're doing well in this regard.

That's fair, research isn't for everyone. (I'm not sure it's for me either, honestly.) But it's not a waste if you learned something! And hey, knowing you have a job for a year (even one you aren't crazy about) isn't too bad either!

I really relate to your waiting for things to materialize. I have definitely spent a lot of time in my program so far just waiting for some kind of purpose to fall out of the sky and make sense to me. I'm starting to realize that I am going to have to make my own way if I want to get anywhere. I'm sure we'll figure this out with some time.

Congrats on 12 days! Keep it going!
Thanks Blue, every time before I post something I would evaluate if I have some wise things to say. If not I would just wait for a few days until I have it.  To some people it could be a good habit but just now I realized this is also part of "waiting things to materialize" trick that I do to myself. I'm too "smart" in the sense that I always want the best payoff whenever I do something otherwise I wouldn't do it at all. This kind of perfectionism doesn't do me any good. I've lost too many opportunities in my life due to this stupid perfectionism. Now I'm just replying the first chance I got haha.

The biggest issue in perfectionism is that I would give up on something easily or not start it at all. Actually I knew I had this issue a few years back but I still get trapped in this. I need to be more mindful about it.

Today is Saturday so I got all the day for myself. To be honest this is what I fear most since I still don't have a concrete plan yet to utilize my time. I know I said I would make a plan many times by now so I hope this time it will truly work out.

squid

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #59 on: August 24, 2019, 07:33:37 AM »
Make a plan today and post it on your journal.  You can do it!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #60 on: August 24, 2019, 06:26:41 PM »
That sounds like a better plan! If we always wait to do things until we can do them perfectly, we won't end up doing very much.

We learn by doing, and the more we do, the better we'll get. I know I'm always reluctant to get started on something when I don't already know exactly how it will work out, but that keeps me from doing a lot. I guess I just have to be more willing to get lost and keep trying.

brandnewself

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #61 on: September 10, 2019, 12:08:22 AM »
Thank you Squid and Blue for your encouragement!

It's porn free day 31. I Mo'ed once last week when I felt the urge and couldn't fall asleep. It was a relatively conscious decision to fap so that I wouldn't turn to porn. I knew I might experience some chaser effect the following days so I was very cautious and I made it through without porn or fapping. However, I'm still unable to utilize my after-work time for self-improvement. I decided to be not so strict with myself and tried my best to not shame myself. Now after the first month, the real challenge begins. I know that the past month of porn free was mainly due to my low stress environment at home and mild cravings (since I overloaded my brain so bad last year or so). I still don't possess the tools to deal with stress or anxiety yet. If I continue to live mindlessly like right now, I'll eventually go back to porn.

Since the last attempts to create a daily plan have failed, I'm going to start with a simple task. It's not about my research, it's not about the language I'm learning, it's not about my work either. It's simply to read any book of my choice for one page every single day and report it here. I'm sure I can do it. This will be my starting point for a healthier life. Eventually I'll build my life around learning, practicing different skills and socializing. I have some truly excellent friends. Excellent not in the sense that they have achieved something huge in life already but they have been consistent with improving themselves. I could also see that some people on this forum have so much potential in life and they're on the right path to recovery. I'm learning from you guys through reading your posts and thoughts. Consistency is the key but I have to start small. There is no shame in it and I fully accept the fact that I've wasted so much time in life that I can't expect to be an excellent guy overnight. It will take time 100%. I need to work on it and I hope I can make it happen.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #62 on: September 10, 2019, 05:59:12 PM »
Consistency is the key but I have to start small. There is no shame in it and I fully accept the fact that I've wasted so much time in life that I can't expect to be an excellent guy overnight. It will take time 100%. I need to work on it and I hope I can make it happen.

That's exactly right! We're on a long-term path when it comes to recovery, and small things add up a lot over time.

I think reading one page and reporting on it is a great place to start. Do what you can stick with, and the rest will work out eventually.

squid

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #63 on: September 10, 2019, 10:26:44 PM »
You got this man!  I'm starting to realize that the days I can't do my plan are usually because I am not prepared.  Sleeping enough, and getting in the right mental attitude is very important.  I'm excited to hear about the pages you read!

brandnewself

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #64 on: September 11, 2019, 09:10:30 AM »
Thank you for the support Blue and Squid!
I'm going to the airport to pick up a friend soon so I won't have time to post here. I was 50% productive today. It might look bad for many people but for me it was ok. I managed to write a page of something my professor asked me to do. I didn't try to push myself for more. I'll write the other page another day. I'll learn to spend more time on important but boring things like this gradually. Bottom line is, I'm starting to take responsibility for my life. I just gotta do what I gotta do.

Daily reading:
I started reading "awaken the giant within" today. It's a book that I downloaded a few months ago and finally I'm starting to read it. I read it out loud to help myself focus better and also practice my English a bit. So far it's pretty interesting to read. The first few pages Tony just described how much his life has changed in 10 years and everything is so incredible for him right now.
I hope this book can give me some strength as well as a direction.

Cheers guys!

squid

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #65 on: September 11, 2019, 09:22:29 AM »
Good stuff man.  I listen to a lot of motivational audiobooks and books about goal setting too.  They have been very helpful to me.

I have a suggestion.  You should change the title of your journal to something positive and declarative.  2019 is the year.  No question about it bro

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #66 on: September 11, 2019, 06:10:40 PM »
Sounds like an interesting read, keep it up!

Picking up friends at the airport is definitely productive (even if it sometimes feels like a distraction from real work). I always get a little mad when I have to give up my plans in order to help someone else, but that's not right. It can be hard to find a balance between productivity/self-care and being a selfless and helpful person.

Either way, go get 'em!