Author Topic: Is 2019 the year?  (Read 2332 times)

brandnewself

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Is 2019 the year?
« on: January 19, 2019, 07:20:29 AM »
Hi guys, I'm almost 24 now and I've been addicted to porn since I was 16 years old. I'm too numb to even feel how terrifying it is to have my 8 years wasted on porn. There were several times that I was close to overcoming this addiction. These streaks were mainly before 2015 and since then I'm unable to truly committed to beat this addiction. In some sense, I gave up a long time ago although from time to time I would write a journal stating that I'd try again. It's literally learned helplessness that destroyed my confidence. Every time I wrote something, deep inside I didn't believe a word I said. I only wrote these things down to somehow make myself feel better. Promising not to do it again became another addiction in itself. I turn to porn to escape from life and then I turn to these "fake promises" to comfort myself.
All the time I told myself, it's ok to watch porn now because your life is too stressful, wait until this semester ends and then you will be more motivated to beat this thing. It never happened. It's all about the perspective.
I used to use yourbrainrebalanced but there aren't many active members now and I feel like if I want to stay in this fight, I need as much support as I could. So I opened this account here and hope to be a part of the community.

blueRaccoon

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #1 on: January 19, 2019, 08:15:27 AM »
fight and win!! no matter how many times you have been knocked down, you'll stand up again to fight back!! Keep fighting and you'll win.

Decaptare

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #2 on: January 19, 2019, 11:58:54 PM »
2019 is the year!

Reborn16

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #3 on: January 20, 2019, 02:08:54 AM »
Welcome mate, the only time to change a bad habit is today, no better year than now!

I'm 29 and avoided dating and lots of social scenes in my 20s, don't make my mistakes... There's no memorable porn where I think back "yeah that was worth having no energy and confidence for my goals"... It was all just procrastination. I did virtually the same thing with video games and junk food.

If I could say one thing, consider porn as a bad habit rather than an addiction. The latter sounds hard to give up, addiction is difficult by nature. While the former, a bad habit, is merely something shit we should prioritise giving up as soon as we can. Like fast food, or buying apple products.

Best of luck!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #4 on: January 20, 2019, 07:56:07 PM »
Welcome! I haven't been around long, but I've already found some good support here. This is our year--let's do it!

brandnewself

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #5 on: January 21, 2019, 05:06:03 PM »
Thank you guys all for the kind reply! You guys are great ;D
I'm quite busy these days at the end of the semester in my university. It's a bit frustrating sometimes when I can't focus too well. Whenever I sit down, I would start thinking about all the unrelated stuff instead of doing my work. I really miss the time (in high school) when I wouldn't be distracted so easily. Besides that, I constantly feel sorry for myself and blame my surroundings for it although I'm the main reason why I'm not so satisfied with my life.
I will take this reboot as an exercise to build my mental toughness. There are tons of people who go through difficulties in life yet they don't complain. I have to learn from them.
It's going to be hard as I'm so used to escaping from reality, but this time I'll stand my ground.

brandnewself

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #6 on: January 26, 2019, 04:54:30 AM »
The past few days have been very busy for me. That's why I didn't find the energy to post here. I was working on a very hard assignment and almost gave up. Eventually I found out the solution so it was quite rewarding. However, right after I finished it I felt empty inside. I was anxious and expected to be bored and do nothing else at night. In the end I went out with friends to downtown and I did have fun. On the one hand, I really love hanging out with my friends and I truly believe that they are the main reason why I can still enjoy my life. On the other hand, not being able to have fun on my own is a big issue that I have to fix. My friends won't be available 24/7 for me and I have to live my life no matter what. When I was a kid, I could just sit there and read books for a whole day and feel satisfied. Unfortunately I've lost that ability now. My mind is like a non-stop train that never gives me a break.
If I want to tackle this addiction I need to do better. Meditation is great but it's just a tool, I need to find more rewarding things to do. Learning something could be a good idea. Somehow I associated learning something as a very painful thing to do. This mindset is quite bad honestly. I need to focus on the process instead of the result, otherwise I'll never be able to reach my true potential.
Right now I'm studying abroad and I want to improve my language proficiency (Not English). Most people here speak English fluently so I'm not fully incentivized to learn their language. Nevertheless, I know it's crucial for me to learn it because I plan to do business between my home country and here in the future. Speaking English with the people here makes me an outsider. I didn't do well when it comes to learning this language. Now I want to plan for it carefully and then log my process and stay motivated.
Maybe I should also learn an instrument. Guitar? But I'm afraid that I will give up because I'm not sure I would be fully devoted to it.
Either way, I need to develop a hobby or something just to get outta my head.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #7 on: January 26, 2019, 09:11:49 PM »
I like the idea of doing something to get out of your head. I know things like that have been helpful for me. I know writing has been helpful for me: I spend some time each morning getting my thoughts out on paper. It helps me deal with things more productively and to get it all out of my head. Journaling through my recovery both here and in a personal journal has been really helpful for me

brandnewself

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #8 on: January 27, 2019, 10:08:25 AM »
I relapsed after 7 days. It always goes like this, I have a lot of cravings and usually I'm able to get through it but end up being not productive. In the evening I would feel bad for not achieving anything during the day and then give in to the second wave of cravings. I knew exactly what was going to happen, I knew how I was going to rationalize all this but I just couldn't prevent it. It's like someone else wrote the script for me and I had to act according to this.
Once someone said reboot is like systematic project management in which we have to take care of a lot of things. Missing one thing could destroy the whole project. I should learn how to manage my reboot better.
Craving is a bitch but what gets me is always my inability to deal with stress and hopelessness. If I had firmly believed that urges come and go and life would be great without porn I probably wouldn't have given in.

Rakses

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #9 on: January 27, 2019, 11:50:42 AM »
I am with you man. Let's do it ! :)
Much Love!
I want to know the nature of my life.
For that i need to be sober, clean, clarified, perceptive.
All that is impossible unless i quit my addictions.
Szukalski said "Sexual energy is the one that make human being create. How i am suppose to create myself if i waste it on PMO. I have to stop.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #10 on: January 27, 2019, 07:01:20 PM »
I know the whole point of what we're doing is not to relapse, but they're also a part of the process. It's not all bad if you can learn from what went wrong this time. As much as I hate relapses and feel bad after, I've always learned something about myself and my recover after messing up.

You might relapse, but it's progress if you're not relapsing for exactly the same reason as last time. Keep on keeping on!

Reborn16

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #11 on: January 28, 2019, 01:57:35 AM »
You can use relapses to benefit your recovery

If you relapse:

Identify the issue/s that lead to relapse, and do what you can to meet that challenge in the future.

Only through relapse, did I learn that my life needed many changes. Porn has been described as a symptom of a life that is not as fulfilling as we wish, rather than being the one and only cause.

I relapsed and realised I spent too much time online...
I relapsed and realised I did not exercise enough...
I relapsed and realised I was socially isolated...

Change these, whichever they may be for you, and the reasoning used to go back to the old habit is significantly diminished.

brandnewself

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #12 on: January 28, 2019, 07:47:09 AM »
Thank you guys. You're right, I should focus on what to learn from my mistakes. Dwelling on a relapse and feeling defeated is a killer of motivation. Yesterday after my relapse I wrote down on a paper why I wanted to quit porn and what my life would be like without porn. It was quite helpful for me as it reveals how much I want porn gone from my life.
I think the main reason of any of my relapses is stress management. I'm always stressed about assignments, exams and other things to do in life. Whenever I'm not making a good progress, I tend to get anxious and stressed. Then I turn to porn for relief. The relapse would diminish my productivity and motivation and I would be stressed again. It's really a bad vicious cycle that has been here for years and I have to do something about it. Another problem is my chance of finding a girlfriend now is minimal and this also makes me feel bad. The reason for this is I'm studying abroad and the culture difference is huge. I don't have problems socializing with local people but finding a girlfriend is another story. There aren't many girls from my country here either.
Although finding a girlfriend isn't solely dependent on me, I could still try to manage my life better. These days I've been thinking about adopting a healthier lifestyle. I consume way too much meat and don't have a good workout/eating/sleep routine. I think I will start from here. I could be more productive and manage my emotion better if I'm not always tired from a shitty lifestyle. I will close my browser and do this now.

Rakses

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #13 on: January 28, 2019, 10:14:30 AM »
Ay brandnew. We'll be good strong and sexy soon you will see ;P I recommend you to start meditate everyday. Although there is small chance that it will destroy your addiction to porn it will make you more happy and peacefull about your life no matter what happens in it. I started one and a half year ago and i cannot express how much mental and physical benefits it gave me. Definetly worth giving it a chance. :)
I was doing meditation called Isha Kryia at the beggining but you can use any other proven method.
Cheers and let the nofap be with you man  ;D
I want to know the nature of my life.
For that i need to be sober, clean, clarified, perceptive.
All that is impossible unless i quit my addictions.
Szukalski said "Sexual energy is the one that make human being create. How i am suppose to create myself if i waste it on PMO. I have to stop.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #14 on: January 28, 2019, 07:26:52 PM »
That's the spirit! This isn't just about cutting porn out of lives. It's about improving every aspect of our lives and really healing from the inside. Stick with it, friend. We'll get it in time!

brandnewself

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #15 on: January 29, 2019, 04:28:13 PM »
Thank you Rakses for the advice. I always wanted to do meditation but I was unable to be consistent with it. I know it has a lot of benefits so I'll try to be more serious about it. For now my most important goal is to get my lifestyle straight. Meditation does require some mental power and I find it hard to do it when I'm tired. I know they don't really conflict each other that much but I don't want to make too many commitments at one time. I'll do it casually when I feel like it.

And thank you BlueHeronFan for the encouragement, we will heal as we keep putting effort in it.

Today was not bad, I went to the library with friends since morning and did a lot of work. I could do better but I'm satisfied with what I've done today. I already made my draft workout plan yesterday and I'll adjust it to make it better as I go along. Tomorrow morning I'll make some stir-fried rice coupled with a salad to start my day. Then at 0900 my friend will pick me up to go to the library together. I'm quite tired now from the studies and lack of food during the day. I'll bring some healthy snacks tomorrow for the studies. I also did some stretches and it felt really good. I need to incorporate this into my daily life as my body is really tensed.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #16 on: January 29, 2019, 11:34:35 PM »
Yes! I know that my experience with porn has meant treating my body badly and then feeling bad about my body. I've tried to take much better care of my body in the last year or so, to make it my friend rather than my enemy, and it's made a big difference.

Keep on moving forward!

brandnewself

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #17 on: January 30, 2019, 04:49:21 PM »
Today was very good. Tried my best to be productive. I studied with friends and also video called my friend back at home. The only downside is that I was too tired to go to the gym in the end. I'm just going to sleep now. Tomorrow is another day.

brandnewself

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #18 on: February 02, 2019, 06:43:16 AM »
These days I've been preparing for my exam. Honestly I feel stressed and my addiction is trying to find its way back to me. Porn images pop up in my head quite frequently and I was tempted to just give in several times. I need to start implementing techniques I learned to dissolve these cravings. I stumbled upon a TED video a few days ago and it talked about how mindfully observing your cravings can help you quit addictions. I saw this video several years ago I think but I kinda forgot it. Now I just rewatched it and I think it makes a lot of sense. Every time I have a craving, I tend to try to run away from it but never did I succeed once. By mindfully observing cravings I can isolate myself from them as if I'm a bystander. I used to see a lot of techniques but always forgot about them very soon. I need to internalize these tools to make use of them.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #19 on: February 02, 2019, 08:07:41 PM »
That's an interesting thing that I've been working on doing too. I'm not very good at just letting thoughts and cravings pass over me. I hope you continue to have good success with it.

Good luck on exam prep. I'm in the middle of a stressful semester, so I know where you're coming from. Porn might make you forget the stress for a little bit, but it will only make it worse because you'll be that much more behind when it's done with you.

Keep up the good work--and don't forget to take some quiet time to refresh and recharge!

brandnewself

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #20 on: February 03, 2019, 03:23:48 AM »
Thank you for the kind words BlueHeronFan.
Unfortunately I did relapse in the evening. There was this cute exchange student that I like a lot but she has a boyfriend. After meeting with her yesterday I felt a bit down. I guess this and the stress of the exams led to the relapse. I was really close to just going to bed but I made the wrong decision in the end.
And I gotta admit that I relapsed again in the morning. The chaser effect gets me every time.
Now I need to clear my mind and think how to prevent the next relapse.
What I did right in the past few days was studying with friends and having a relatively regular schedule. I was also actively looking for help under cravings.
However my emotional instability coupled with the exam just made me turn to porn again. This is really tricky because I can't just convince myself that the exam is not important and I can't control how I feel about girls.
What I can do is to be mindful about it, I guess after all I need to practice meditation seriously. During the day I was mindful about my cravings and I didn't give in. In the evening I just led my feelings control me although I could've applied the same principle here. I didn't have many cravings to be honest but I just wanted to feel better and I went to the only solution I had.
If I can reinforce one technique at a time, I will have a lot of tools to battle this addiction. Now I just want to practice this mindfulness whenever I feel stressed, anxious, sad, angry or cravings. I'll also update here how well I do in this regard.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #21 on: February 03, 2019, 07:24:54 PM »
Definitely! Sorry to hear  you relapsed, but glad that you're already learning from it and making plans for the future. You're doing a lot of things right, so don't give up on them just because of a bump in the road. I know I always need that reminder: slipping up does not mean I've been on the wrong track, just that I'm not to the end of the road yet.

Tomorrow's a new day, and you're making real progress. 2019 has barely begun, so there's still plenty of time to make it our year.

brandnewself

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #22 on: February 23, 2019, 08:01:57 AM »
I feel really bad that I didn't come to the forum and post anything in the past 20 days. It was quite a disaster. I kept relapsing and basically lost all my progress. Yesterday I binged four times!! Now I'm super stressed and I feel stuck again.
I just tried to meditate for 10 min, it helped a bit.
PMO makes me feel like I'm a hypocrite by doing what I promised not to do.

blueRaccoon

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #23 on: February 24, 2019, 07:02:31 AM »
I'm glad you can back to the forum. We started this journey on the same day and I was looking forward to listening to your updates.
Don't worry about the relapses much, things would get all right you just have to gain the balance and march ahead with momentum. Porn addiction is a constant struggle with the animal part and more ration part of our brains. Our rational brain makes us commit to the right things but as we have given more priority to our animal brain during the addiction, we do not always follow what our rational brain says and the reboot is all about listening and following rational brain. It's okay that you feel hypocrite (we all do) but don't confuse your addiction with your true self if it wasn't for your addiction it would be much easier to stay true to your words.
Also feeling all bad about the relapse is our brain's way to trick ourselves in giving in to the feelings of guilt which cause further relapses, feeling bad also makes you think that you don't want this and you'll do something about it. If you really do something about it, then the cycle starts to break and if you don't it keeps on repeating itself. Identify this cycle and break out of it.
Stay strong brother, we are all in this together and we will get through it.

brandnewself

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Re: Is 2019 the year?
« Reply #24 on: February 24, 2019, 03:59:25 PM »
Thank you blueRaccoon for the kind words and support!
Learning to be mindful about my thoughts is crucial right now. I can't indulge in my thoughts anymore as it obviously does me no good.
Tomorrow I will meet with my professor to discuss about my research, something I've been really stressed about for a while as I have no idea how to do it. I know it's not supposed to be that hard for a master's degree because so many people have done it but I just feel really uncomfortable to research on something independently (even with the help of my professor). These passive thoughts are the killer of my happiness and I somehow can't get over it. I guess mostly it's because I'm used to cramming before exams and I never learned how to study properly on the long run.
I will meditate a bit, eat something and then go to bed now.