I can do better in 2020

[BlueHeronFan]

That sounds like a good plan! I definitely think it's valuable to sit down and figure out what you really want in life. I don't know that you'll figure it out all at once (I've been working on it for a long time), but it is important to find some sense of purpose and to commit to doing things that help you feel like you're making progress and becoming your best self.

Pay attention to activities that you find fulfilling and enjoyable.

[brandnewself]

Day 1 again.
Last reboot went on for 2 weeks. I'm on vacation and I was genuinely happy until I got caught in this "not doing anything" trap again and felt I needed a kick.
There are three types of cravings for me. 1. Feeling super horny and feeling all the blood down there. 2. Feeling like fapping but the feeling is not too strong (usually happens after relapses, chaser effect) 3. Not feeling horny at all, simply bored and empty inside and having nothing to do, then I would go for porn.

Surprisingly (Or not), the first type of craving is the easiest to get over with. I feel more determined to battle against this kind of feeling and could win at least 50/50. However, second and third are really hard for me. There isn't much to talk about chaser effect as it's quite natural. But the third one is the one I have to address as it's the one that kills my streak all the time. I could go on for a nice 20 days before giving in to this kind of craving. It would start with restlessness, and then binging on youtube and sometimes more extreme videos like car accidents or violence and eventually porn. It's my perfect recipe for relapse.

I'm not only addicted to porn but also all kinds of artificial stimulation. It doesn't have to be sexual at all.

Now I'm back to my home country and will start my internship tomorrow. A regular job will definitely help with my schedule and plan. I need to make use of this opportunity to have a regular life. It can help me establish some foundation for a routine life even after I go back to school.

Obviously I can't aim too high or else I will get disappointed. My biggest problem is I don't have any kind of hobby. Any! Planning to read books or learning languages or whatever seems like a perfect plan but it puts a high demand on my self-discipline which I don't have much left The sad part is I don't know how to start a hobby even. I'm so used to doing nothing but watching videos or playing with my phone. Actually reading a book is something I do like, but I always get drawn to videos because they are bigger stimulants. Well, probably the best thing I can do is to just stick to "reading one page a day" of any book I like. I will feel tempted to do other things for sure but I have to start somehow. It's a fact and I gotta stop trying to find a shortcut. There is no shortcut. I have to start getting used to low stimulants environment. Only then will I be more motivated to start a hobby or something. Now everything kinda fades away compared to porn or extreme videos.

If you guys have any good suggestion, please let me know, I'd love to hear your opinion.

[BlueHeronFan]

A regular schedule definitely helps. I know it has been helpful for me to create a schedule for my days. Even when I don't actually have anything on my calendar (like work or school), if I sit down and write down what I'm going to do and when, I end up having more productive days with less time-wasting activities.

And definitely think more about starting small and being consistent with it. A couple years ago, I started doing really basic yoga because I realized that I wasn't getting any exercise and that was all I could handle. Just in the last few weeks, I have started doing some strength training. I couldn't have started there, but doing something every day for a while eventually built me up to the point where I could do something more rigorous.

Think about habits. Focus on doing things consistently and replacing old habits of addiction with new, healthier ones. That is something that has helped me a lot.

[brandnewself]

Day 8
Thanks BlueHeronFan!
Last week I started my internship and a fixed schedule like this definitely helped with my reboot. I don't need to do anything intentionally to distract myself from porn thoughts because I'm occupied. In this regard, I'm doing ok. But I'm constantly worried about my master's research. Since I'm not really interested in the topic and I just want the degree, I really have no motivation to read any paper whatsoever. I have one year before I have to submit my thesis but I'm not working on it. What's worse is that I feel obligated to do my research for my professor instead of for myself. I feel guilty if I have to talk to him because I'm not making any progress. He is really nice to me and he basically allowed this long summer break without me applying for a vacation officially (the school might not allow it considering that they give me scholarship).
I'm supposed to do my research for myself but I'm ashamed of myself for not working on it because I don't want to disappoint my professor. This is not a healthy "motivation" to do my research and I don't know how to get out of this cycle. It's the most important thing right now but I'm not doing anything about it. It's taking a toll on me and causing a lot of anxiety.
I think I need to be honest with my professor if I'm not making progress. Also I should treat it like a duty if I can't force myself to like it. I'll just read something related to my research for 30 min every day. This way at least I can start to feel better about myself. I need to start. Simple as that, I don't need to ask for any progress right now. Just read for 30 min. I can do that. I can do that.

[BlueHeronFan]

Congrats on day 8!

That's a tough one, though. Sometimes we just have to get to work and figure out our motivations along the way. On some level, it might be better to make progress on the right thing for the wrong reasons than to sit around and do nothing until our motivations fix themselves. Plus, it's possible that you will find your own motivations once you get started.

Talking to your professor is probably a good idea. Maybe he can help you adjust your project so that it is more interesting to you. His job is to help you, so it can't hurt to let him know what's going on (especially if he is as nice as you say!)

Keep it going!

[brandnewself]

Hey Blue thank you for your reply. I'm kinda fixed on my research direction so there isn't much to do regarding that. Honestly I probably wouldn't find something that interest me that much anyway because I don't want to do research at all. I just need to accept the fact that I'm not one of those academic materials and I just have to treat it as a job to finish in one year. Unfortunately I didn't succeed in this reading for 30 min everyday plan. I'm letting myself off for this week and starting from this weekend, I'll do it for 5 min every day. This sounds stupid because 5 min is nothing but I think that's my best bet if I want to start.

It's day 12. At home I feel more in peace and that's one of the reasons urges are not that strong. Besides that, I think I really overloaded my brain hard in the past year or two that I'm not tempted to use porn whatsoever physically. Psychologically, yes, the urges are still here. They're nagging me from time to time but so far I'm doing ok.
One of the issues I want to address inside is my push-over mentality or victim mentality. All the time I'm looking for someone else to make decisions for me and be responsible for me. I feel small and incompetent although I can learn things quickly. It's probably a low self-esteem issue but it might be changeable if I can adopt a better mindset. Part of me always wants to prove that I'm a worthy person yet I'm really scared of any failure or embarrassment. Subconsciously, I think, if I don't engage in something voluntarily then I don't need to be held responsible for the consequences. This could partly explain what happened in my research. From the beginning I never even tried to look for something that I might be interested in. I just waited and waited until my professor told me to do something. Also when I felt uncomfortable doing something I never said it because I'm a pushover. I just hoped things would work out but they didn't. They never will this way. We do things mainly for two reasons, either we "need to", or we "want to". Motivation is in charge of the latter but when we don't have the motivation, we have to rely on willpower, habit and a good mindset to do things. I can't always expect to have motivation so I have to work on other areas. I need to take matters in my own hand.

[Lero]

Discovering who you really are is the tool that will take someone out of the void. Discovering what qualities we have, what weaknesses, and letting people know that's who we really are and if they don't like it, we don't have to be friends. I wouldn't even want to be friends with people who don't like me the way I am.

[BlueHeronFan]

That's fair, research isn't for everyone. (I'm not sure it's for me either, honestly.) But it's not a waste if you learned something! And hey, knowing you have a job for a year (even one you aren't crazy about) isn't too bad either!

I really relate to your waiting for things to materialize. I have definitely spent a lot of time in my program so far just waiting for some kind of purpose to fall out of the sky and make sense to me. I'm starting to realize that I am going to have to make my own way if I want to get anywhere. I'm sure we'll figure this out with some time.

Congrats on 12 days! Keep it going!

[brandnewself]

Discovering who you really are is the tool that will take someone out of the void. Discovering what qualities we have, what weaknesses, and letting people know that's who we really are and if they don't like it, we don't have to be friends. I wouldn't even want to be friends with people who don't like me the way I am.

Hi Lero, that's a greak way to look at it. I have to admit that fully accepting myself is very hard at the moment but I'm trying. I hope you're doing well in this regard.

That's fair, research isn't for everyone. (I'm not sure it's for me either, honestly.) But it's not a waste if you learned something! And hey, knowing you have a job for a year (even one you aren't crazy about) isn't too bad either!

I really relate to your waiting for things to materialize. I have definitely spent a lot of time in my program so far just waiting for some kind of purpose to fall out of the sky and make sense to me. I'm starting to realize that I am going to have to make my own way if I want to get anywhere. I'm sure we'll figure this out with some time.

Congrats on 12 days! Keep it going!

Thanks Blue, every time before I post something I would evaluate if I have some wise things to say. If not I would just wait for a few days until I have it.  To some people it could be a good habit but just now I realized this is also part of "waiting things to materialize" trick that I do to myself. I'm too "smart" in the sense that I always want the best payoff whenever I do something otherwise I wouldn't do it at all. This kind of perfectionism doesn't do me any good. I've lost too many opportunities in my life due to this stupid perfectionism. Now I'm just replying the first chance I got haha.

The biggest issue in perfectionism is that I would give up on something easily or not start it at all. Actually I knew I had this issue a few years back but I still get trapped in this. I need to be more mindful about it.

Today is Saturday so I got all the day for myself. To be honest this is what I fear most since I still don't have a concrete plan yet to utilize my time. I know I said I would make a plan many times by now so I hope this time it will truly work out.

[squid]

Make a plan today and post it on your journal.  You can do it!

[BlueHeronFan]

That sounds like a better plan! If we always wait to do things until we can do them perfectly, we won't end up doing very much.

We learn by doing, and the more we do, the better we'll get. I know I'm always reluctant to get started on something when I don't already know exactly how it will work out, but that keeps me from doing a lot. I guess I just have to be more willing to get lost and keep trying.

[brandnewself]

Thank you Squid and Blue for your encouragement!

It's porn free day 31. I Mo'ed once last week when I felt the urge and couldn't fall asleep. It was a relatively conscious decision to fap so that I wouldn't turn to porn. I knew I might experience some chaser effect the following days so I was very cautious and I made it through without porn or fapping. However, I'm still unable to utilize my after-work time for self-improvement. I decided to be not so strict with myself and tried my best to not shame myself. Now after the first month, the real challenge begins. I know that the past month of porn free was mainly due to my low stress environment at home and mild cravings (since I overloaded my brain so bad last year or so). I still don't possess the tools to deal with stress or anxiety yet. If I continue to live mindlessly like right now, I'll eventually go back to porn.

Since the last attempts to create a daily plan have failed, I'm going to start with a simple task. It's not about my research, it's not about the language I'm learning, it's not about my work either. It's simply to read any book of my choice for one page every single day and report it here. I'm sure I can do it. This will be my starting point for a healthier life. Eventually I'll build my life around learning, practicing different skills and socializing. I have some truly excellent friends. Excellent not in the sense that they have achieved something huge in life already but they have been consistent with improving themselves. I could also see that some people on this forum have so much potential in life and they're on the right path to recovery. I'm learning from you guys through reading your posts and thoughts. Consistency is the key but I have to start small. There is no shame in it and I fully accept the fact that I've wasted so much time in life that I can't expect to be an excellent guy overnight. It will take time 100%. I need to work on it and I hope I can make it happen.

[BlueHeronFan]

Consistency is the key but I have to start small. There is no shame in it and I fully accept the fact that I've wasted so much time in life that I can't expect to be an excellent guy overnight. It will take time 100%. I need to work on it and I hope I can make it happen.

That's exactly right! We're on a long-term path when it comes to recovery, and small things add up a lot over time.

I think reading one page and reporting on it is a great place to start. Do what you can stick with, and the rest will work out eventually.

[squid]

You got this man!  I'm starting to realize that the days I can't do my plan are usually because I am not prepared.  Sleeping enough, and getting in the right mental attitude is very important.  I'm excited to hear about the pages you read!

[brandnewself]

Thank you for the support Blue and Squid!
I'm going to the airport to pick up a friend soon so I won't have time to post here. I was 50% productive today. It might look bad for many people but for me it was ok. I managed to write a page of something my professor asked me to do. I didn't try to push myself for more. I'll write the other page another day. I'll learn to spend more time on important but boring things like this gradually. Bottom line is, I'm starting to take responsibility for my life. I just gotta do what I gotta do.

Daily reading:
I started reading "awaken the giant within" today. It's a book that I downloaded a few months ago and finally I'm starting to read it. I read it out loud to help myself focus better and also practice my English a bit. So far it's pretty interesting to read. The first few pages Tony just described how much his life has changed in 10 years and everything is so incredible for him right now.
I hope this book can give me some strength as well as a direction.

Cheers guys!

[squid]

Good stuff man.  I listen to a lot of motivational audiobooks and books about goal setting too.  They have been very helpful to me.

I have a suggestion.  You should change the title of your journal to something positive and declarative.  2019 is the year.  No question about it bro

[BlueHeronFan]

Sounds like an interesting read, keep it up!

Picking up friends at the airport is definitely productive (even if it sometimes feels like a distraction from real work). I always get a little mad when I have to give up my plans in order to help someone else, but that's not right. It can be hard to find a balance between productivity/self-care and being a selfless and helpful person.

Either way, go get 'em!

[brandnewself]

Good stuff man.  I listen to a lot of motivational audiobooks and books about goal setting too.  They have been very helpful to me.

I have a suggestion.  You should change the title of your journal to something positive and declarative.  2019 is the year.  No question about it bro

Haha Thanks for the suggestion! Honestly I wrote a question as a title because I didn't want to feel bad about relapses anymore. I promised myself so many times that I would never PMO again but I kept doing it. This kind of making a promise and then breaking it is really not helpful for me psychologically. I would keep the title this way and if I can make it through 2019 safely then I will change the title to something like "2020 is the year" haha.

Sounds like an interesting read, keep it up!

Picking up friends at the airport is definitely productive (even if it sometimes feels like a distraction from real work). I always get a little mad when I have to give up my plans in order to help someone else, but that's not right. It can be hard to find a balance between productivity/self-care and being a selfless and helpful person.

Either way, go get 'em!

Haha for me picking up my friend is something I enjoy doing actually. Plus I'm just doing an internship so it's not as important.

Now onto day 41 (something like that). Maybe I should get a counter so I don't have to do the math when I want to check which day I'm on. It's not that important though, I should focus more on real life than this number. Honestly one of the motivations for me to keep this streak going is to make me look good here: hey look I'm still going. I'm not sure this is a good thing as this kind of thinking is really destructive sometimes. Especially if I somehow relapse then I would lose my motivation to restart. But it's part of me, part of my greed or ego or whatever. So I should acknowledge it but not let it grow.
I know I promised to post here daily about the book I read but I didn't do it. I had a road trip with friends and I didn't read. After I came back I got lazy for 2 days and then I read for two days but I didn't have the energy to post at night. Yesterday I had date so I didn't read as well.
I'll talk about the date now and then about the reading in the evening (including the pages I will read today. Now it's morning where I am).

It's the first date I had since summer 2016... It's someone my friend introduced me to. I'll call the girl J. I met her first time two weeks ago when my friend introduced us. The first time I met her I didn't feel much about her as her look isn't the kind that I'm super attracted to. I think she looks good but you know sometimes it's just not the type we're looking for. Putting looks aside, she is really smart and knows how to handle a conversation and she laughs a lot which I like. She is also hardworking and disciplined. I was really hesitant to ask her out as I wasn't sure if I'm attracted to her and also she is not the type of girl for just hookup (I'm going back to school abroad in 40 days). In other words, I didn't want to complicate the situation since she is a good friend of my friend's girlfriend... Later that week I invited her to my home party and I found that I was more attracted to her than the first time. After the party I thought about the whole thing and I realized that I was always a thinker rather than a doer. I didn't want my overthinking to ruin my life anymore. Besides that, I felt like I'll like her more if I get to know her better. So I decided to give it a try and asked her out for a movie. It turns out to be a really good decision!
She was happy to go out with me and she bought the tickets and drinks for me. It was a really good signal. We really had fun watching the film and we sat really close to each other. We laughed a lot and she touched my hands and shoulders many times. Later we went to have dinner and drank a little bit. When we walked back to her dorms, she was walking really really close to me that she almost pushed me off road lol. I knew it was going well but since I'm too new to this dating game so it was really hard to overcome my psychological barrier to hold her hands or do something. I clearly felt her affection towards me and I'm flattered to be liked by someone. I'm determined to be more physical next time but I need a more relaxing and romantic environment. I wish I was the kind of the people who can just kiss or express themselves publicly but I'm not. But hey this is who I am so I accepted it. I will try to do better though. Now I'm looking forward to our next date

[squid]

That's awesome!  Just breath deep and relax into it.  I bet as you become more comfortable with her you will become more expressive .  She obviously likes you so feel encouraged! 

[BlueHeronFan]

That is awesome! Congratulations on a good date!

You're making great progress, and you're right to be focused on life and not the number of days (the number is helpful, but it's not the point).

And for what it's worth, I don't think you have anything to regret about the date. I think we sometimes get the idea that things have to be physical to count, but I really support a first date without anything physical. You spent some time together and definitely learned that you're both interested in each other. What more could you want out of a first date? Focus on the connection (like your personalities and feelings and stuff) and the physical stuff will follow naturally.

Keep it up!

[brandnewself]

That's awesome!  Just breath deep and relax into it.  I bet as you become more comfortable with her you will become more expressive .  She obviously likes you so feel encouraged!

Thanks man! Will do

That is awesome! Congratulations on a good date!

You're making great progress, and you're right to be focused on life and not the number of days (the number is helpful, but it's not the point).

And for what it's worth, I don't think you have anything to regret about the date. I think we sometimes get the idea that things have to be physical to count, but I really support a first date without anything physical. You spent some time together and definitely learned that you're both interested in each other. What more could you want out of a first date? Focus on the connection (like your personalities and feelings and stuff) and the physical stuff will follow naturally.

Keep it up!

Thanks Blue! Yeah you're right, it was a pretty good first date anyway. I'm not desperate to push the relationship forward. I simply overthink too much. But I guess it's quite normal for any guy on a date haha.

Today I just asked her out again for the evening. Since she is busy these days we will just be around her university and have dinner somewhere. I think we click well in some way and I'd like to know her better. Will see how it goes today.

Daily reading 2&3&4.
Awaken the giant within.
Tony introduced the five aspects of our life we need to focus on. They are emotional mastery, physical mastery, relationship mastery, financial mastery and time mastery. These are the things the book is about.
Chapter 2 is about decision making.
Think for a moment. Is there a difference between being interested in something, and being committed to it? You bet there is! Many times people say things like, "Gosh, I really would like to make more money" or "I'd really like to make a difference in the world." But that kind of statement is not a commitment at all. It's merely stating a preference... It's a weak prayer made without even the faith to launch it.
The internal system for making decision is comprised of five elements: 1 beliefs and unconscious rules, 2 your life values, 3 your references, 4 your habitual questions that you ask yourself and 5 the emotional state.

This makes a lot of sense. I barely made commitments in the past few years. Now I really need to think it through about what I really want in life or in the next few years or even just the next few months.

[Do or die]

And not lose your hope. You have plans . you just missed it for few days or months. Remind your past plans . leave your thinking of failure. Learn from your last relapse. Make a plan for preventing such type of relapse and also a plan for new urges. Be ready to fight with every thing tends you to relapse. If you relapsed then you are worrier.

There are so many mans don't do anything to quite. But you are fighting for good. It takes little bit recovery time. Be
Silent .  observe your strong and weak points. You can do it.

[BlueHeronFan]

Today I just asked her out again for the evening. Since she is busy these days we will just be around her university and have dinner somewhere. I think we click well in some way and I'd like to know her better. Will see how it goes today.

That's awesome! I think low key is great. But I know what you mean about overthinking. I'm really good at doing that too.

Hope it goes great! And I'm glad you're still going along!

[brandnewself]

Thanks for the reply guys, I'm still going!

Right now I'm at day 48 but I'm at another stagnant point. From my previous reboot experiences, every once in a while I would encounter a stagnant point when I become less motivated about reboot, bored with life and not following through my plans. Usually at these points I don't particularly feel strong urges but most of the time I would fall back to PMO. Subconsciously I'm more used to and comfortable with the repetitive pattern of failure-reboot-failure as if that's my normal life. My mind always tricks me into thinking: "hey life is not moving forward again? Let's relapse, hit the rock bottom and you'll get your motivation back. This is what you always wanted and you'll always like it."
I know there are mainly two reasons why I'm successfully maintaining this streak so far. 1. I'm at home and I'm not in the stressful environment of my university. Instead of escaping reality on the internet (porn), I chose to escape reality in reality . 2. I'm still taking advantage of my initial motivation and my flatline period. This is not a permanent fix and things will change real soon. I'll go back to my university and I need to start my research. Urges might come back as well and my motivation will decrease.
I know the only solution is to focus on my daily life and keep myself busy. I need to make me believe that my life is fulfilled and I am moving forward. I also need to cultivate important habits to deal with stress and anxiety. Reading is one way to distract myself from urges and to better myself intellectually but it's just one tool. I need more.
I need to balance myself in several areas. 1. Sports (exercise) 2. Eating healthy food 3. Less drinking 4. Meditation. I should make use of the last month of my time at home to build a strong defense against potential future urges. It's a battle against myself and I gotta play it smart.
I'll write down my plan on my notebook so I can physically see it all the time.

[Do or die]

Ok. Keep going. Congratulations for 48 days.