Author Topic: Secret sex addict seeking a life of truth  (Read 114 times)

mccalm

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Secret sex addict seeking a life of truth
« on: January 02, 2019, 04:37:43 AM »
Hello,

I'm a 36 year old sex addict. I have used sex as a means to cope with life for as long as I can remember. I hope this journal can help me in my recovery. All I know is that writing helps clarify thoughts, feelings and solidifies goals. Maybe this will also lead so some accountability. Whatever happens, I commit to being truthful about the successes and failures of this attempt.

The problem
I am addicted to sex. From a young age, I was exposed to a toxic brand of Christianity (Irish Catholic) where all sex is shameful and never to be discussed. Like most people here, as far back I can remember, I have had a problematic relationship with sex. Porn came along when I was 20 years old and just made matters worse, but the problem started way before that.

My appetite for sexual acting out has never been stronger and with ample free time and resources, I satisfy it in increasingly disturbing ways. The highs get higher, the lows get lower, the cycle of addiction and the lies I tell to maintain it get stronger. As a result, my relationship is suffering. I used to be able to maintain both worlds, a sex life with my partner and a secret sex life on the side, but in the last 12 months, I have withdrawn myself emotionally from our relationship and sex off the table.

Like all humans, sex highly stimulating - it arouses feelings of passion, pleasure and excitement. That's not ever going away. Unlike well integrated humans, I have a deep rooted belief that sex is shameful and should only be conducted in secret. The trade of for this is depression, stress and shame.

Previous attempts
Like most people here, since discovering nofap years ago, I have tried abstinence, managing streaks of 60+ days, only for it all to come crashing down resulting in months of relapse. I typically find the first two weeks easy, motivated by the despair of the previous cycle ending and the novelty/hope of new programme. Then my sexual thoughts start to take over. I eventually peek at certain apps/websites which is followed by weeks of edging, resulting in a massive relapse.

The opposite of addiction is connection and exposure to a none judgemental person reduces the shame. So I am starting therapy this month with an addiction specialist. I also focused too much on what I need to give up as part of my recovery. While immersion and analysis of my behaviour is an important part of recovery, this time I intend to spend more time focusing on the habits/activities which will replace the addiction.

Strategies
1. Deleted all apps/bookmarks/images/contacts relating to sexual acting out
2. Installed porn blocker on laptop and mobile phone with password locked in draw at work
3. Starting therapy with addiction specialist
4. Removed all social media apps on mobile and installed YouTube distraction blocker
5. Journal every day
6. Maintain a wall to chart daily progress with new habits
7. Yoga 4 mornings per week
8. Mindfulness
9. Only shower cold
10. Big breakfasts
11. Running 3x per week
12. Cycle to work


Goal
As a man, I want to avoid all forms of artificial sex, so that I can remove toxic shame from my life and have a healthy intimate relationship with my partner.

Affirmation
"I’m going to change. I have lived with compulsive sexual behaviour for too long. This addiction has impacted by self esteem, available time, finances, career and relationships. Most important, it has potential to hurt someone I love very much. Recovery is my top priority. I have a future self to run towards and a potential hell to avoid. My resolve is strong, I am going to succeed."

Impact
- Attaining this goal would make me a more authentic, present and confident man to be around, in my relationship, at work and socially because I will have healed my shame.
- I wouldn't be contributing to the misery of myself, my partner and women in general with my behaviour.
- I would save a lot of money and time not pursuing these things.

Good luck to everyone in 2019. As humans, we are capable of anything we aim at, we can defeat this. 

 





« Last Edit: January 12, 2019, 12:14:46 AM by mccalm »

ruuddejong

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Re: Secret sex addict seeking a life of truth
« Reply #1 on: January 02, 2019, 07:35:12 AM »
Good luck! We have a similar story/problem. Coming from a family where sex was always taboo and somehow built the belief that it must be done with dirty/slutty/secret people, not the people you actually love (i.e. wife). We even swear in sexual terms as if it is a punishment and can be done to only people who you don't like (like "f. you"), it just makes no sense. Dutch use diseases to swear, wish you cancer and stuff, at first, it sounds terrible, but then it makes a lot more sense to wish someone have sex :)

Also married and also addicted to porn AND sex. I am at 60+ days of my reboot and even tho I still don't want sex with my wife, she keeps telling me she is really happy these days, maybe someone about me changed during this reboot? No idea. I find it easier to resist to PMO, but more difficult to stop sex with random people, which is a lot worse than porn.
77 days free!

Allinya83

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Re: Secret sex addict seeking a life of truth
« Reply #2 on: January 02, 2019, 12:00:58 PM »
Hey Mccalm, I read your story and feel your pain.
I don't know about your relationship with your wife, but everything changed when I told my wife the truth about my addiction.  I sugar coated some of my problem at first to gauge her reaction, but my wife understood and wanted to help.  We now have great sex and she knows she is the only one getting my sexual attention.
Its scary to tell the truth, but feels great after.
I believe you can succeed without telling her, but if you want to seek truth, maybe start by telling the truth. Words are powerful.
Good luck!
Allinya
It would help me to be able to help you!

thephoenix

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Re: Secret sex addict seeking a life of truth
« Reply #3 on: January 06, 2019, 10:24:42 AM »
Good luck brother I’m rooting for you. Hope the best for you.

mccalm

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Re: Secret sex addict seeking a life of truth
« Reply #4 on: January 12, 2019, 12:24:57 AM »
@ruuddejong - thanks for taking time to read, all my acting out is solo/secret but I can imagine having other people tangled up in this must be very difficult to manage. I hope you are making progress and doing ok. I live in Holland so very familiar with the Dutch swearing haha.

@Allinya83 - thank you, very wise words, I have told my partner but a sugar coated version and it didn't go well (due to her own issues) but that's not to say it isn't worth revisiting. We're both sexually repressed in the bedroom, so at some point we both need to open up. My therapist is trying to help me come up with strategies on how to address this.

@thephoenix - thanks man, like wise, will be checking out your progress and wishing you the best of luck!
 

mccalm

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Re: Secret sex addict seeking a life of truth
« Reply #5 on: January 12, 2019, 12:51:29 AM »
Observations

- Instead of hiding away I go and socialise with colleagues and eye contact is very powerful.
- My ability to focus on a given task has improved, this might be the yoga/mindfulness helping.
- Productivity at work is through the roof, and it's getting noticed by the right people, haven't felt so motivated in years.
- No desire for PMO, only occasional situational triggers such as lady at work wearing particular clothing.
- I have now started saying in my head "look up towards God/what is good" in these situations, sounds strange as I'm not that spiritual, but find it helps me to guard where my eyes stray (towards a given object of desire).
- Changing my routine (cycle to work) has helped me avoid so many triggers I normally face on public transport.
- Growing attraction for partner, more cuddling/flirting.
- Had a few crashes in my work outs and in the evening, found out that I'm not eating enough to compensate for the extra exercise (weight was falling off me - not good as I am already quite lean), so using a calorie tracker for a while until I can be sure that I get 2500 a day. Carbs are back on the table, apart from breakfast which I keep high fat/protein.
- Dry skin/scalp have cleared up due to cold showers which sounds trivial but not having to scratch every 30 seconds does wonders for my mood. 
- Sleep: have been going to bed earlier to ensure I get 7 hours a night, previously 6. I want to work up to 8 hours in the coming weeks.

So far so good, but as per other attempts, I normally find the first few weeks quite easy. The up coming week I face a challenge in that I have a social event involving drinking and therefore hangovers which for me are a risky time for me historically, so plan to not drink more than 2 beers.
 
« Last Edit: January 12, 2019, 12:55:10 AM by mccalm »