Author Topic: Not gonna go it alone  (Read 35065 times)

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #850 on: January 08, 2020, 11:57:17 PM »
Keep up the good work man! Always good to see the tough periods are followed by progress as usual.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #851 on: January 09, 2020, 07:51:09 PM »
Thanks, for sure: it's a good reminder that hitting a rough patch is not the same as starting from square one. As I get back more into the groove, it just feels like like I'm getting into business as usual.

Decent day

My second first day of class. It was a good class, and I think this semester will be pretty good (especially compared to the last few). Things at school are looking up maybe (finally).

Texting Ph is never very productive, but I did anyway. We had about 1/3 of a conversation, but it's something to keep the coals glowing until the next time we meet up.

Getting back a little earlier tonight than the rest of the week, which is nice. I'm ready for a more relaxed night and maybe a slightly earlier bedtime.

Just one short class tomorrow and then it's the weekend!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #852 on: January 10, 2020, 08:42:06 AM »
Sounds great! As far as PH so long as she shows up for dates, who cares about texting! That almost sounds like a dream, a girl who doesn't need to text much and show up for dates. I've found the most reliable girls when it comes to showing up to dates, are pretty much like that. They don't text much, take awhile (not on the phone all the time) and then just are there at the date, on time. But yeah probably fine to keep each other in mind, but definely I wouldn't worry about/put effort into trying to get her to text more. Texting is just a tool to meet in person. So if she shows up to meet in person without much texting: mission accomplished. It's like starting a lawnmower, if you pulled the chord once and it started and being like "man, I wish I could pull the chord somemore"

achilles heel

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #853 on: January 10, 2020, 03:05:28 PM »
I totally agree with quit that most girls are obsessed with texting all the time and not replying for hours will lead to discussions. If she shows up in person and doesn't use her phone 24/7 go marry her!  ;)

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #854 on: January 10, 2020, 06:44:05 PM »
I totally agree with quit that most girls are obsessed with texting all the time and not replying for hours will lead to discussions. If she shows up in person and doesn't use her phone 24/7 go marry her!  ;)

Thanks, quit and achilles! You both make a good point. I think my past (limited) experience has conditioned me to expect a constant stream of texts, and that's not really what I want either. Even those seem a little "artificial," if you know what I mean, and I definitely don't want to build the whole thing on text messages. In-person stuff is way better and more important.

I actually had a variation of the thought this afternoon. It just sort of popped into my head, "As long as she keeps saying yes, you're good." And she has been. Next week is our 4th date. You wouldn't say yes 4 times if you didn't like the guy, would you? (Maybe, but probably not.) Anyway, I think you're exactly right. Don't get confused about means and ends. The date is what counts. (We're gonna have to cover some more ground before marriage is on the table, though, lol  ;) )

Another pretty normal day

Woke up and worked out and got ready for class. Went to class. Came back home and had lunch, did a little bit of work but mostly relaxed. Realized I was starting to fall into a YouTube hole, so I got up and did yoga, then had dinner. I wrote out the assignments that are due next week to help me plan out what I need to do in the next few days, made a grocery list.

I'm feeling a little anxious about the work that's ahead of me, but that's normal. It will be fine.

I did want to mention something I listened to this morning. I have listened to it before, but I thought I would revisit it today while I worked out. It's Tara Brach's talk "Healing Addiction: De-conditioning the Hungry Ghosts." (Link: https://youtu.be/eKn4IGY8OH8)

It was a really helpful talk for me early on, but it was good to revisit it again. She talks about how addictions are responses to unmet needs and how we really can't heal from addiction without addressing those underlying unmet needs. She mentions that it's impossible to do alone. And she says that how we live today is how we live our life.

She goes into more detail, obviously, but these are three things that I think are important. We can only really beat addiction when we heal the hurt PMO tries to numb. If we aren't in pain anymore, we won't reach for the numbing tool. And our life hinges on what we do today. That sounds high stakes, but it's also a relief. We can handle today.

Anyway, I thought I'd recommend it if YouTube is a safe place for you. It's a really insightful talk that has helped me a lot.

Here's to the weekend!

achilles heel

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #855 on: January 11, 2020, 01:38:30 PM »
Keep going! Hope you are having a quiet weekend without any trouble!  :)

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #856 on: January 11, 2020, 08:07:52 PM »
Keep going! Hope you are having a quiet weekend without any trouble!  :)

Thanks! It has been a quiet day.

I actually got a lot done today. I sort of thought that my to-do list was too ambitious, but I got it all done minus one thing (a big project that isn't urgent but would still be nice to get done). Anyway, I did school work, cleaned a little, cooked, relaxed. Pleasant day overall.

Now that I'm back at my place and back in the daily routine, I'm feeling much more normal and positive. I don't know all of what hit me when I was back home, but I was listening to something last night about not looking to other people for validation and just giving ourselves the validation we want other people to give us, and it rang true to me. I think I was looking for more validation from my family than was fair to expect, and, when I didn't get it, I spiraled. But I don't know for sure. Either way, I'm definitely going to try validating myself more often and more generously. I've been catching negative, hyper-critical thoughts here and there, so we'll see where that takes me.

Keep it going!

achilles heel

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #857 on: January 12, 2020, 06:52:28 AM »
Maybe it was about the setting as your brain might have connected the old envirnonment with porn use? Anyway it's good to see you returned to your routines and got things done. Stay alert for hyper-negative thoughts though as you did concerning your dates with Ph, you are doing great and there is nothing to worry about!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #858 on: January 12, 2020, 06:40:05 PM »
Maybe it was about the setting as your brain might have connected the old envirnonment with porn use? Anyway it's good to see you returned to your routines and got things done. Stay alert for hyper-negative thoughts though as you did concerning your dates with Ph, you are doing great and there is nothing to worry about!

Thanks, achilles, I think there's something to that. Living at home as a teenager (and earlier) was where it all started, so it probably just took my brain right back to old patterns in a really powerful way.

Thanks for the encouragement and reminder about negative thoughts. I have definitely caught myself this week thinking that I'm wasting my time with Ph, thinking it will all fall apart sooner or later so why not sooner. But then I had a little conversation with myself each time that that's not how this has to work and that there isn't any legitimate good reason not to give it a shot. Those little corrections throughout the week have really helped me stay in a more positive headspace, which is the overall goal.

Decent day

Spent a lot of the day at church. Talked to Ph a little, mostly a friendly hello since things were busy. I also talked to a leader about my slipperiness when I was home, and he said some encouraging things. I was feeling pretty good and back to normal, but his ideas were also a nice little boost.

Then I came home, had a snack, meditated, called my family. I have a pot of chili going right now (sometimes dry beans take forever to cook...) But it's all good. I think it will be a sort of busy week, but it could also be a good one. Plus, it'll end with a date, so something to look forward to.

Here's to a great new week!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #859 on: January 12, 2020, 07:03:35 PM »
Keep up the good work man! The thoughts about ph and "it won't work out might as well end it sooner" man they are soo innacurate. You already know that but it's good to put them on paper and really acknowledge how irrational they are. Just keep taking the right actions and continued success will help to change the thoughts too.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #860 on: January 13, 2020, 09:31:58 PM »
Keep up the good work man! The thoughts about ph and "it won't work out might as well end it sooner" man they are soo innacurate. You already know that but it's good to put them on paper and really acknowledge how irrational they are. Just keep taking the right actions and continued success will help to change the thoughts too.

Thanks, quit! They are totally false and unhelpful thoughts. I've been doing a better job of catching them, but I do appreciate you telling me as much too. It's so helpful to get these things out of my head and to have other people call them out for the garbage that they are. (For what it's worth, I saw Ph a little today, and it was totally friendly and positive. So more evidence that those thoughts just aren't based in reality.)

Busyish day

Did laundry and had meetings all afternoon. So I was busy but I didn't feel very productive, but that's okay. I'll have time later in the week.

Tomorrow is going to be a loooong day. I have like a conference thing with work, and I have to leave the house before 7 to get there. Then I have something else in the evening, so I don't think I'll be back home until after 9. Since I'm mostly a student, I usually get to do most of my work from home. I'm not really looking forward to  being out for over 12 hours, but it's just one day. I can do it.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #861 on: January 14, 2020, 09:48:16 PM »
Made it through the longest day I've had in a while. It all worked out just fine, and now it's back to business as usual for the rest of the week.

But first, sleep.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #862 on: January 15, 2020, 09:05:22 PM »
Another uneventful, busyish day. Went to class, did some homework.

Tomorrow has ended up another marathon day, but not as much as Tuesday. The semester has barely begun, and I'm already ready for a day off, lol.

Not much to report, just going forth for another day.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #863 on: January 16, 2020, 08:25:18 PM »
Another decent day full of school.

It's a little late, but I still have to do some reading before tomorrow. Oh well, these things happen. This whole week has been pretty crazy, and I've been trying to do what I can to stay on top of things, especially so I could leave tomorrow clear.

Tomorrow's a date with Ph, and I'm really excited for it. I don't know, I've been at least trying to play it pretty cool, but maybe the time for playing it cool is over. Things have been good but they've been slow (like weeks and weeks between dates). I think I'll see if we're both willing to get the ball rolling a little faster (which means putting myself out there and being a little honest/vulnerable, but that's what this is all about.) Enough self-protective whatever-ishness. Wish me luck, I guess!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #864 on: January 16, 2020, 09:47:41 PM »
Keep up the good work man! Have fub in the date... really looking forward to the update.

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #865 on: January 17, 2020, 12:50:44 PM »
Hey Blue, really encouraging stuff all round! So glad you've managed to get the ball rolling again! That's really encouraging stuff.

Also very good news about Ph. Trust me, those negative feelings of 'what's the point anyway, she'll probably just leave me anyway once she realises what a shit I am' are feelings I get even with my wife! I noticed them yesterday when I was particularly down. You're right, it's total bullshit. I often try to forget about them before even writing it down here but tbh, it's these very thoughts and not acknowledging them that lead me to relapse, so thank you, you've helped me.

I hope the date today goes swimmingly. As ever, just be yourself. It's much better to be rejected for who you are than accepted for who you're not. I don't know who said that, but it's something I live by.

Have fun, bro!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #866 on: January 18, 2020, 08:37:46 PM »
Thanks for the support, guys! I really do (as always) appreciate it.

Well, it didn't go as planned. Not as well as I had hoped, not as bad as I had feared.

She came over to my place and we cooked. It was fun. We had good conversation, laughed, talked, etc. All good.

Then at about the time I was ready to talk about moving the relationship forward, she started talking about how she wasn't too sure. Mostly because, I guess, she thought I wasn't that interested. (Because, I guess, I've been too careful, moved things too slowly, etc.) Then when I said that I was interested, that was surprising to her (shoot!). Very long story short, we're meeting up at the end of the week to talk about things.

After all that, I didn't really feel like posting (or doing anything, just going to bed). She did text a few hours later, and it was a nice text, but I was basically awake all night, fending off the inner critic and trying to figure out what to do next (besides sleep, obviously...)

I've sort of been out of it all day today. I mean, I guess I have just been doing the best I knew how to do, but I'm kicking myself (pretty hard) for not doing more. Really, I just feel bad that this thing is possibly crashing and burning before it even got a chance to take off. I don't know that that's the case, and there's a part of me that's hopeful and confident that things will work out. I definitely haven't given up, but it also hasn't been a very good day. 

I guess the two pieces of good news are that 1) there's still hope: she has only drawn back because she thought I had (my bad) and 2) porn has not entered into the equation for me. Romance trouble has been a pretty reliable trigger for me in the past. But this is serious, no time for distractions like porn.

It's going to be a weird week, but it's the bed I inadvertently made for myself (so now I should just lie in it). (I know, relationships involve two people, so it's not all on me even if that's how I'm talking about it. But I'm the only one I have any control over, so if anything's going to change, I have to do my part)

Onward we go


squid

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #867 on: January 19, 2020, 06:47:55 PM »
Hey blue!  I wouldn't beat yourself up on this.  In fact, it sounds like she is interested in you and would happily do a bunch more dates. 

Having that conversation took courage but it paid off.  She wants to get to know you more.  You like her, and you like to over think things.  So think less about how you might be screwing things up (you definitely are not doing anything wrong with going slow and getting comfortable) and think more about how to show this woman she is special.  Think about what fun dates you could go on, about learning more about her, about making her feel wanted. 

That's very important.  If you want her, make her feel wanted.


BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #868 on: January 19, 2020, 08:24:47 PM »
Thanks, squid! I really appreciate your perspective (I am definitely getting trapped in my head).

I think you're probably right, it seemed like she was ready to call it off because I already had. When she found out the opposite was true, it made her rethink things. So I'm hopeful.

And you're right about making her feel wanted. That's where I need to step it up, and I'm going to do my best. Thanks for the encouragement

Today was maybe a little better

Church kept me busy for the first half of the day, so that was good. I interacted with a lot of different people, and I came home feeling a little better. I was on my own for the rest of the afternoon, though, so I've been slowly sinking into discouraging thinking again. Not feeling the best right now, but it is what it is. Tomorrow is a new day with new things to do. So we'll see where the day takes me.

Rebooter2019

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #869 on: January 20, 2020, 09:20:48 PM »
Thanks, squid! I really appreciate your perspective (I am definitely getting trapped in my head).

I think you're probably right, it seemed like she was ready to call it off because I already had. When she found out the opposite was true, it made her rethink things. So I'm hopeful.

And you're right about making her feel wanted. That's where I need to step it up, and I'm going to do my best. Thanks for the encouragement

Today was maybe a little better

Church kept me busy for the first half of the day, so that was good. I interacted with a lot of different people, and I came home feeling a little better. I was on my own for the rest of the afternoon, though, so I've been slowly sinking into discouraging thinking again. Not feeling the best right now, but it is what it is. Tomorrow is a new day with new things to do. So we'll see where the day takes me.

Do you best Blue, you do more than that! Plus, when you think about it you come from far and getting better at this game everytime you play it! At this point you can't do much. I guess you could try to do a bunch of stuff you like to get you mood back on track and see after. Usually a really bad idea to text a girl when feeling emotional, the same for any decision in your life as well. Get better and reaccess the situation with a clear head!

That's my thoughts on it. But trust us, you're a big worth for a girl! You really are an awesome person, so trust the fact that she will see it :)

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #870 on: January 20, 2020, 09:59:02 PM »
Thanks, Rebooter! I appreciate the support and validation.

Another day

I haven't been sleeping very well lately, so I was dragging today. It was a day off, at least, so I didn't have to get as much done. But it still wasn't as productive as I hoped it would be. I did laundry, did homework for one of my classes. I did some extra yoga in the afternoon because I was feeling tired and like I couldn't really concentrate on anything.

Still sort of in a weird place emotionally. I was/am just accepting my feelings, and now there's a wrench in the system. While I'm still dealing with a lot of self-criticism, I'm also trying to catch my breath and remind myself that, however this all works out, it will be for the best. None of the girls before have been my one and only chance, and, even if I do genuinely like this one, she's not my only chance either.

So we'll see. For now, I'll just go to bed and try to have a more productive tomorrow!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #871 on: January 21, 2020, 09:03:27 AM »
"None of the girls before have been my one and only chance, and, even if I do genuinely like this one, she's not my only chance either."

Man that is a great mindset and so on the money! Plus not to mention there are so many other awesome/ important things in life! That is something I recently reflected on, what else can we do that will make us happy with or without a girl? I know we think about this a lot, but for me it's something to focus on and it may be relevant for you as well. What fun thing can you do? What friendship can you strengthen? What contribution can you make to other people or something that matters to you this week?

I just watched a great documentary last night called simply "happy" and it talked about helping others was the number one happiness booster (other things are great too though). Also when happy everything else is easier and goes better! So if you can do some things to feel happier with or without PH, if it doesn't work out well you'll still be happier and building your life plus another girl will show up down the line. At the same time, being in that happy mindframe will give things the best chance of working out.

squid

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #872 on: January 22, 2020, 11:36:20 AM »
Hope tomorrow is a new and exciting day for you blue!  Cook any cool recipes recently?

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #873 on: January 22, 2020, 09:33:41 PM »
Thanks for the support and insights, guys!

Ph broke it off today. I'm feeling understandably and reasonably down in the dumps.

A lot of thoughts racing through my head in the last few hours. Self-criticism, refusing self-criticism, planning to dive into other areas of my life, being totally unsure of what to do next, frustration, determination, etc. Lots of conflicting and confusing thoughts and feelings. I guess it's normal. It is what it is, and that's all there is to it.

I can look back and say that I wish I had done things differently, but I was honestly doing the best that I could in each given moment. I was as much myself as I have ever been. I feel bad it didn't work out differently, but I can't feel bad that I didn't give it all that I had because I did.

So that's all. Tomorrow is a new day. Thankfully, it always is.

squid

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #874 on: January 22, 2020, 09:51:15 PM »
Hang in there blue.  That happened to me a few times before I found my gf.  After a few weeks break, get back out there and start meeting people again.  As a member of the club that knows your inner thoughts from your journal, I can confidently say you are quite a catch and exactly what many women are looking for.