Author Topic: Not gonna go it alone  (Read 18054 times)

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #725 on: November 26, 2019, 08:35:39 PM »
Awesome! Man you are right that was super fast... I finally got around the chapter one today lol. I do believe what we consume effects how we think and act. So you made a huge investment in yourself there, listening to great positive stuff is an awesome awesome habit. (I am going to get back on that too).

Keep up the good work!

Thanks! I like that perspective. I definitely used to feed my mind a steady diet of pure garbage (porn, porn, and more porn). My media diet has definitely gotten better, and I think it definitely is coming out in how I act.

I like thinking about it as an investment too. So I don't have the kind of relationship I want right now. At least I can bank up some knowledge and prepare myself for it whenever it comes.

Listening and reading positive stuff is what it's all about.  Every day at work I go for a 20 minute walk and listen to motivational books.  It keeps me from getting bogged down.  You're doing great blue!

Thanks for the encouragement! I definitely like the sound of not getting bogged down. I think I end up bogged down a lot, and putting some more motivational and encouraging thoughts in my ears and brain can only help.

Slow day

I'm feeling a little sick, but maybe also a little better than yesterday. Anyway, I was feeling a little slow getting out of bed this morning. I was tempted to just slack off and watch some videos or something, but instead I decided to get on my library/audiobooks app and download all the books on relationships and marriage that I could find. I probably won't be able to listen to them all before they're due, but maybe I will (I definitely got through the last one in record time). Still not as good as just getting out of bed like I should, but better than zoning out to pointless videos.

Other than that, I went to work, stopped by the grocery store, and just sort of took it easy after that. I have the next few days off, which will be really nice. But for some reason, I have been feeling a little down tonight. I could probably point to some reasons if I really had do, but I think it's mostly just one of those generalized waves of discouragement that hits me from time to time. Hopefully nothing some good sleep won't solve.

I will say that catching up on everyone's journals and posting around here definitely boosted my spirits a little. This is an awesome community to be a part of! Let's keep it going!

Rebooter2019

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #726 on: November 26, 2019, 10:43:53 PM »
I will say that catching up on everyone's journals and posting around here definitely boosted my spirits a little. This is an awesome community to be a part of! Let's keep it going!

That's really kind of you to say and to be honest you're a big part of that awesome community. You help alot of people and comment in alot of journals. I will speak for myself for this one, but I'm really grateful for that!

As for the investment for futur relationship, my two cent is that you're right! It's always better to go in there prepared. That's why I study Game, to know how to seduce and keep a girl after I've seduced her.

Btw, I feel you on the discouragement. I can feel discouraged from time to time... Like you said it's easier to see that you haven't reached the point you wanted yet than seeing all the progress you've made. Trust me you've made a lot, Blue!

Continue on the path, my friend. You're on the right path!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #727 on: November 26, 2019, 11:00:43 PM »
Great that you downloaded all the good stuff. I may just aim to follow in your footsteps and listen to a bit of motivational stuff before bed.

Sometimes being a little sick can lead to feeling a bit discouraged, the whole mind/body connection!

Keep up the good work!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #728 on: November 27, 2019, 08:17:17 PM »
Thanks, guys! Even the little encouraging comments along the way make a big difference!

I think today was a pity part day, unfortunately

I felt kind of down all day, but I still tried to get things done. Did some cooking, sharpened my knives, did some other work.

Of course, right after I sharpened my knives, I cut myself while I was cooking. That never happens, but it's one of those little things that triggers a tailspin, you know? Like, oh, I'm working on dealing with all this stuff, and now I cut myself? Time for a meltdown! When I say meltdown, I just mean giving in to all those feelings of feeling sorry for myself.

To make a long story short, I got a lot of things started today, but I just lost steam, so the apartment is kind of mess of things in-progress, but I'm feeling overwhelmed and hoping I can just get things straightened out tomorrow.

I also dealt with a lot of urges today, but at least cutting myself distracted me from those. Silver linings. I like thinking that these urges are coming up now because something good is just around the corner and they're trying to derail me before it gets here. True or not, it's good motivation to hang on. It's weird how I'm sort of relearning how to deal with persistent urges: they left me mostly alone for so long that I sort of forgot what to do. But I'll get it figured out.

So, not my best day, but there's always tomorrow.

squid

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #729 on: November 27, 2019, 09:24:41 PM »
A quote I heard a bit ago about pity parties:  The problem about a pity party is that few people show up and if they do, they don't bring presents. Lol

Anyway, sorry it was a rough day blue.  Happy Thanksgiving to you and to everyone else out there.  We have a lot to be thankful for!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #730 on: November 27, 2019, 11:06:45 PM »
Sorry about the rough day but awesome the cut distracted from urges lol.
Yeah man, I think good stuff is around the corner soon. Just keep up
The good work. Happy thanksgiving! We all have a lot to be grateful for!

Rebooter2019

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #731 on: November 28, 2019, 10:56:59 AM »
Man, I feel you rough day, bad things happen from time to time. Just remember where you come from. You've progressed so much! Good thing will come. I know it can be hard to change our mindset when feeling like that... I struggle with it myself as I write here, but we can overcome this. You can do this my friend, keep up the good work!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #732 on: November 28, 2019, 07:34:43 PM »
You are all awesome. Thanks for the support and understanding (like always). Definitely grateful to share this journey with you all and for the fact that I joined up here at the beginning of the year.

Today was better

I went from a terrible yesterday to a quiet and pretty normal today. Mostly spent the day cooking and hanging out, taking it easy. Talked to some people on the phone, watched a little TV, took a day off from thinking about how much I was eating (that's what Thanksgiving is for, right?)

Still feeling a little sick, but I think I'm getting better. My cut is doing better. Still had to deal with a little bit of urges today, but nothing like yesterday.

I spent the day while I was in the kitchen listening to another book about marriage. This one talks a lot more about conflicts/problem-solving than the last one I listened to, so it's kind of a downer lol. But it's also interesting because it has made me realize how some things about my personality that I have thought were liabilities could actually be assets in a relationship. I guess it's just good to hear that all the ways I usually don't feel "macho" enough are actually things that could make me a better partner if that makes sense. Anyway, I'm just filling my brain with useful information for the future: I hope the lucky lady is getting ready, lol.

Another quieter day on the schedule for tomorrow. I'm thinking I really have to start my final project for school, so it's not going to be a very exciting day, but it should be pretty productive (hopefully).

squid

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #733 on: November 28, 2019, 10:44:57 PM »
I hear what you're saying blue.  I saw a YouTube video a couple months ago by someone I used to really respect 5 years ago talking about how men should be macho in the relationship and how the wife shouldn't have male friends and all kinds of nonsense.  I think we should be leaders.  But leaders are not macho, the best leaders are servants and listen more than they talk.  Being sensitive and kind and compassionate have been tremendous assets in my relationships. 

Decapitare

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #734 on: November 29, 2019, 10:08:44 AM »
Sometimes I thought some girls like those "machos" guy more but what I think know is that I don't want to have a relationship with this kind of girl. I wanna someone who likes to be treated like a human been not like a property or a piece of meat, because this is the only way that I know how to treat someone.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #735 on: November 29, 2019, 08:33:53 PM »
I think we should be leaders.  But leaders are not macho, the best leaders are servants and listen more than they talk.  Being sensitive and kind and compassionate have been tremendous assets in my relationships.

Really cool insight, man! I really like this idea of leadership. That seems like a really useful and clear way to think about it. Thanks a lot!

Sometimes I thought some girls like those "machos" guy more but what I think know is that I don't want to have a relationship with this kind of girl. I wanna someone who likes to be treated like a human been not like a property or a piece of meat, because this is the only way that I know how to treat someone.

Yeah, this is really true. I definitely think that tv and movies (and porn) show us a misguided version of manhood. It's obvious saying it now, but I guess porn messed up the way I understand my own manhood as much as it messed up the way I see women. All the more reason to keep it out of my life.

Another day forward

Feeling much better today compared to two days ago. Those bad days always pass, but it never feels like they will when I'm in the middle of them.

Spent a lot of the day working on an assignment for school. Lots of reading and research. Not very fun, but it has to get done.

I've been catching myself the last couple of days (and really recognizing it today) in the middle of romantic fantasies that sometimes turn sexual. Whether they turn to sex or not, they're counterproductive. Fantasies are fun, but they don't help with the recovery, so I need to get those under control. Now that I'm more conscious of them, I can be more deliberate about not getting tangled up in them.

Side note: I have posted here for 100 consecutive days. A different kind of exciting milestone along the way.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Rebooter2019

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #736 on: November 29, 2019, 10:20:05 PM »
Glad you feel better than last time Blue. True that bad days seem to want to stick, but at some point they just go away.

I've been catching myself the last couple of days (and really recognizing it today) in the middle of romantic fantasies that sometimes turn sexual. Whether they turn to sex or not, they're counterproductive. Fantasies are fun, but they don't help with the recovery, so I need to get those under control. Now that I'm more conscious of them, I can be more deliberate about not getting tangled up in them.

I know the feeling. I've had these episode since the thing with the girl. That actually prevented me from training because I was staying in bed for almost 2 hours and used the lack of sleep to justify it. We need to be careful, because it's a waste of time. Thanks for making me realise it.

We can do better than that and use our time more effeciently.

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #737 on: November 30, 2019, 01:07:02 AM »
Man, I thought I was the only one with the fantasies. Same deal for me romantic fantasies that turn sexual. Wish I had some input to give about it, but that issue is one of the big head scrathers for me.

Cool that the urges are lower. Again, all these days add up over time.

Man 100 days of posting is a big milestone!

Squid: I like that outlook. I do believe in being a leader in a relationship, but that doesn't mean some ridiculous cartoon version of a man. A little (perhaps hairbrained) theory: In the past men were considered leaders in the marriage. Some sociology/feminist ideas turned against this, a lot of these new ideas are pretty mainstream now ( in some 'progressive' cities if a woman takes on her husbands last name or ever cooks she is criticized). These movements put massive effort into making traditional marriages and men of the past look like jerks. So the stereotype is like men from the past treated their wives badly, women all hated it and were oppressed by them.

But there are some old videos from the 50s and stuff interviewing couples and you can see the men, almost all, were super nice to their wives they were the leaders in the sense Squid talks about. Strong. Handled problems etc. Cared about their wives and making sure things went well for them. Look at most real footage in general from the past and it seems people were pretty happy and most men treated their wives well and with compassion.

But some of these youtube personalities annoyed at feeling like masculinity, men leading is being attacked. Decided to take on fictional versions of masculinity they picked up from TV or whatever, not realizing these depictions were basically meant as a smear campaign against masculinity lol.

Speaking of leading etc. I think the PAST is a great source of relationship knowledge. You read older books from older people (Zig Ziglar is MY MAN) and he's saying all this stuff like he always opened the door for his wife, recommended making things for your wifes hobbies, a million things like that just overwhelmingly considerate.

I feel a good underlying philosophy that may stand up well to reality is: "Lead by treating her well, treat her well by leading her".

Also just thinking: It's good to be self-aware. Like you guys said some women may want a guy who is more in control, some less. Of course porn creates RIDICULOUS versions of stuff like this. But it's good to know oneself and be self-aware to end up with the right person.
« Last Edit: November 30, 2019, 01:14:35 AM by quitforeverthenwin2 »

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #738 on: November 30, 2019, 08:11:11 PM »
Glad you feel better than last time Blue. True that bad days seem to want to stick, but at some point they just go away.

I've been catching myself the last couple of days (and really recognizing it today) in the middle of romantic fantasies that sometimes turn sexual. Whether they turn to sex or not, they're counterproductive. Fantasies are fun, but they don't help with the recovery, so I need to get those under control. Now that I'm more conscious of them, I can be more deliberate about not getting tangled up in them.

I know the feeling. I've had these episode since the thing with the girl. That actually prevented me from training because I was staying in bed for almost 2 hours and used the lack of sleep to justify it. We need to be careful, because it's a waste of time. Thanks for making me realise it.

We can do better than that and use our time more effeciently.

We definitely can! Thanks for the support, as always!

Man, I thought I was the only one with the fantasies. Same deal for me romantic fantasies that turn sexual. Wish I had some input to give about it, but that issue is one of the big head scrathers for me.

Cool that the urges are lower. Again, all these days add up over time.

Man 100 days of posting is a big milestone!


Speaking of leading etc. I think the PAST is a great source of relationship knowledge. You read older books from older people (Zig Ziglar is MY MAN) and he's saying all this stuff like he always opened the door for his wife, recommended making things for your wifes hobbies, a million things like that just overwhelmingly considerate.



Also just thinking: It's good to be self-aware. Like you guys said some women may want a guy who is more in control, some less. Of course porn creates RIDICULOUS versions of stuff like this. But it's good to know oneself and be self-aware to end up with the right person.


Lots of good points here. First of all, thanks for the encouragement: I've been needing it the last few days (as you all know). I think you're onto something too about looking to the past for relationship advice. The book I'm listening to now has a lot of advice that sounds kind of old-fashioned, but it's rooted in actual research, not just old stories. So I really think there's something to some of the more traditional ways of doing things. I also just really like the idea of being "overwhelmingly considerate." That seems like an okay way to deal with a relationship to me.

And the vote for self-awareness is good too. It's easy when you're thinking about dating to spend all your energy worrying about if you're good enough for her, but then it's easy to forget that you also have to figure out whether she's a good fit for you. At least, it's easy for me to forget. It's a good idea to take a step back and really think about what I need from a person and whether anyone I'm interested in could really fit. There's no rush: focus on getting it right.

Quiet day

Mostly working on my final project today. I didn't get as far as I wanted to, but I have a rough outline of my paper now, so that's a big start at least. I'll just have to spend the first part of the week typing like crazy so I can present on Thursday. It will be a miserable process, but it always is at the end of a semester (lol).

Still had some urges today, maybe not as bad as earlier in the week. More than anything, I had the feeling that I wanted to be triggered. Like I wasn't thinking, "Oh, I want to find some porn," instead, I kept thinking about all the places online that I could find non-porn triggers. I thought about looking up actresses from tv shows and movies, googling "safe" things, etc. As the thoughts/feelings came up, I just tried to go into the meditative awareness mode, and they usually gave up for a while. Hoping I can shake them soon for a while.

Something is going on in my body/mind. I haven't felt persistent urges like this in a long while. Maybe it's just the end of semester stress (or any of a hundred other things). I just looked back at my journal from the end of last semester in April, and I was dealing with some similar stuff. I was also 50 days into my current streak then. Well, I got through it once and with a lot less experience, so I'll get through it again.

Here's to a happy tomorrow!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #739 on: November 30, 2019, 11:19:24 PM »
Great job man! Wow that is enlightening that you are aware that you want to look up "innocent" stuff and "accidentally" run into triggers, stuff like that catches a lot of people. That's the next level awareness to realize it actually is a decision and a sort of urge in itself.


Rebooter2019

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #740 on: December 01, 2019, 10:16:48 AM »
Great job man! Wow that is enlightening that you are aware that you want to look up "innocent" stuff and "accidentally" run into triggers, stuff like that catches a lot of people. That's the next level awareness to realize it actually is a decision and a sort of urge in itself.

I second that. Relapse is a choice to be giving into the cravings and urges! It require willpower to prevent it and research shows that willpower is a limited ressource that can be train and save for when it matter. For example a possible relapse! If you set your life is sort to challenge your willpower everyday while keeping enough to prevent a relapse while having a fullfilling lifestyle... you're pretty much garantied to recover at some point!

Keep going strong Blue you're doing great!!

Freedomisworthit

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #741 on: December 01, 2019, 02:44:08 PM »
I'm grateful for your encouragement and posts to my reboot journal (almost daily).  It really does help me to know another is walking beside me (via online support) as I navigate through the feelings, sensations/symptoms, and progress of rebooting.  I'm thankful for you.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #742 on: December 01, 2019, 07:53:22 PM »
Great job man! Wow that is enlightening that you are aware that you want to look up "innocent" stuff and "accidentally" run into triggers, stuff like that catches a lot of people. That's the next level awareness to realize it actually is a decision and a sort of urge in itself.

Thanks! I feel like you have a way of turning things I think are problems into signs of progress, and that's really encouraging! But you're also right: in the past, I would have just done those things and said, "Hey, at least it's not porn." So the fact that I'm as worried about them as I have been about porn is probably a sign that something is going right even if it feels like everything is going wrong, lol. This would definitely be a harder road without your help!


I second that. Relapse is a choice to be giving into the cravings and urges! It require willpower to prevent it and research shows that willpower is a limited ressource that can be train and save for when it matter. For example a possible relapse! If you set your life is sort to challenge your willpower everyday while keeping enough to prevent a relapse while having a fullfilling lifestyle... you're pretty much garantied to recover at some point!

Keep going strong Blue you're doing great!!

Thanks, Rebooter! It's so important to remember that it's always a choice. I haven't thought about willpower in this way before, though. It makes me think of like building muscle: stretch your willpower a little every day, and it will get stronger. I like that idea. Really appreciate the encouragement!

I'm grateful for your encouragement and posts to my reboot journal (almost daily).  It really does help me to know another is walking beside me (via online support) as I navigate through the feelings, sensations/symptoms, and progress of rebooting.  I'm thankful for you.

And thanks for the kind words, man. Being on this forum has been really helpful for me because other people encourage me, but, honestly, one of the most fulfilling parts of it has been learning that I can help other people too. In a lot of ways, it makes me feel like there is actually some good coming from my deepest-darkest-secret, and I'm always really happy to know that my experience can be beneficial to someone else.

It's a long difficult process, and we definitely can handle it better when we're working together.

Much better day, urges-wise

For the most part, they left me totally alone today, which I'm really relieved about. Church was pretty good today, and then I came home and just felt really tired. I meditated, hung out, kind of just sat down and thought about things. I thought about some things I could be doing, but there wasn't really anything that I had to do and I just felt unusually tired, so I embraced it. I definitely have plenty of work ahead of me this week, so I'll just say it was the calm before the storm.

I have roughly 3 days to write a 20-page paper. I am not looking forward to the amount of work that I'm going to have to do in all my spare hours and minutes, but it's necessary. It feels impossible, but I feel that way every semester (and it always works out), so I'm trying to stay positive. I have a rough outline already, so, really, the hardest part (figuring out what I'm actually going to say) is already done. I just have to put it on paper.

Once this week is over, though, I'm in the clear until January. Bring it on!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #743 on: December 01, 2019, 09:46:32 PM »
Man glad to hear the comments are helpful! Sometimes it can be hard to see our own progress when we're in the thick of things.
Glad to hear the urges weakened up to. Again, nice awareness the every semester it feels impossible but isn't. I think that's just part of experience in many things.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #744 on: December 02, 2019, 09:19:15 PM »
Man glad to hear the comments are helpful! Sometimes it can be hard to see our own progress when we're in the thick of things.
Glad to hear the urges weakened up to. Again, nice awareness the every semester it feels impossible but isn't. I think that's just part of experience in many things.

Thanks! You're right: having other people respond to what I'm posting here has been helpful. Either A) they have called me out on being too loose with my recovery (more early on) or B) they have called me out on being too demanding of myself (more recently). Either way, I'm getting stuck in unhelpful thinking, and it's great to have someone call me on it.

Today was okay
Had work, and then I spent the rest of the time working on my paper. I actually got more done than I thought I would, roughly a third of the way, which is encouraging. I'll more time tomorrow and Wednesday than I had today, so I'm feeling pretty good about my progress on it.

Really not that much to say. Feeling just a little down, but I think that's just a generalized response to the stress of the week more than anything. Still good on urges today, in the clear.

Well, back to work tomorrow!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #745 on: December 02, 2019, 09:58:59 PM »
Keep it up! Sounds like a solid day.

squid

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #746 on: December 03, 2019, 10:18:10 AM »
Good work blue, any good recipes recently?

Rebooter2019

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #747 on: December 03, 2019, 12:33:43 PM »
Great thing that the urges calmed down, especially with the stress of the week. Try to plan yourself a day where you'll do relaxing stuff, maybe even outdoor stuff of some sort. It can really help to be in nature

Keep going strong man :)

Freedomisworthit

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #748 on: December 03, 2019, 01:09:31 PM »
You got this, I'm happy to read of your successful rebooting day and handling the demands of life!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #749 on: December 03, 2019, 06:55:21 PM »
Keep it up! Sounds like a solid day.

Thanks! I will!

Good work blue, any good recipes recently?

Thanks! I made like a roasted squash and kale salad the other day that I've been portioning out this week. I'm still sort of trying to decide if I like it lol, but I think I'm coming down on the side of liking it.

Great thing that the urges calmed down, especially with the stress of the week. Try to plan yourself a day where you'll do relaxing stuff, maybe even outdoor stuff of some sort. It can really help to be in nature

Keep going strong man :)

Thanks, that's a really good idea! Once this week is over, I'll have lots of time to de-stress and chill out. Definitely looking forward to it. It's been getting pretty cold here, but I might still have a chance to get outside for a little bit before things get really wintry.

You got this, I'm happy to read of your successful rebooting day and handling the demands of life!

Thanks for the support! It always helps to hear some encouraging words!

Today was more of the same

Had a meeting in the morning but then spent most of the rest of the day working on my paper. I made good progress, and I only have 3-5 pages to write tomorrow (which should be a piece of cake). So I'm feeling pretty good about that and grateful that I could get as much done today as I did.

Honestly, I've been thinking (worrying) a lot in the last few days about dating in general and Ph in specific. It's the same thing in my head as before: when it's just the two of us, it feels like things are going really well, but when anyone else is in the room it almost feels like I disappear. And I totally recognize that my perceptions are probably skewed by insecurities and all kinds of things, but still. I just keep thinking, is it going well or not? Plus I've been busy and she's been traveling and all kinds of things, so it's tough to even cross paths casually, so all I have is my own counterproductive imagination to think of all the ways things are going wrong when they probably aren't. We do have a date set for next week, so I'm just trying to look forward to that and remind myself that women don't just agree to go out again with guys they're trying to get rid of...(or do they? my nonsense brain asks).

Oh well, none of that worrying helps me get through the week. It also makes it easier for my brain to suggest relapses ("Well, maybe that's not working out, but I know a way to get you women to your heart's content.") So I'm just trying to stay rooted in the present and hopeful for the future.

And now for one more day of intensive writing...