Author Topic: Not gonna go it alone  (Read 11954 times)

squid

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #450 on: August 12, 2019, 10:18:18 PM »
Wishing you the best blue, hope the day went awesome!

achilles heel

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #451 on: August 13, 2019, 02:53:17 PM »
For years, this addiction was my own private nightmare and I was pretty sure that A) I would never overcome it and B) No good would ever come from it. Since joining here, though, I have found more success in overcoming it, and, more amazingly, I have found ways that this addiction has put me in a position to help other people.

I completely agree on this! I guess this has never been a better community than now and I am happy to be a part of it. By helping others we are also helping ourselves to stay aware. When I read your story it motivates me to see someone making it further than I ever did and when I read about the struggle of those making it through the first month, it reminds me I never want to go back there. It's also some kind of accountability to write here about progress and not about relapsing (although there would be lots of support of course). Success and support go hand in hand as everybody seems to advance more than ever and I hope we can all keep it that way for a long time! :)

Lero

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #452 on: August 13, 2019, 04:15:53 PM »
I completely agree on this! I guess this has never been a better community than now and I am happy to be a part of it. By helping others we are also helping ourselves to stay aware. When I read your story it motivates me to see someone making it further than I ever did and when I read about the struggle of those making it through the first month, it reminds me I never want to go back there. It's also some kind of accountability to write here about progress and not about relapsing (although there would be lots of support of course). Success and support go hand in hand as everybody seems to advance more than ever and I hope we can all keep it that way for a long time! :)

Absolutely, man. Let's say you have a 20 days streak but things are hard as fuck, it's a blessing to have someone who has, let's say, an 80 days streak telling you: "I've been there but now I'm here". It helps see that it's possible, that it's normal what's going on. It helps me say: "If he could do it, I should be able too." BlueHeron's tripple digits streak is mind blowing for me right now.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #453 on: August 13, 2019, 06:26:45 PM »
The meditation and church sound great! I'd love to get back to church just to be part of my town community again. The audiobook also sounds interesting...very interesting. Would you possibly be able to share? Keep it up Heron!

Yes! It's part of The Great Courses, called The Addictive Brain, by Thad Polk. A lot of it is drug-focused, but it does say that he addresses behavioral addictions (gambling, sex) later on. But it continues to be fascinating. He was saying in what I listened to today that the withdrawal symptoms from a drug are the opposite of the effects of the drug. For example, I guess heroin causes a sense of well-being, feelings of warmth, and constipation. Withdrawal from heroin makes people feel anxious, cold, and causes diarrhea. I think I definitely experienced that opposites effect when it comes to quitting porn.

I am with you BlueHeron,  have meditating for 2 years as well and only just recently have I found a deeper sense of appreciation for it...before it just felt like I was doing it because "why not, it couldn't hurt...it could only do good." But now, I have really thought about it as a part of my life that will never leave me, as the mind will always dictate our thoughts and actions.

Yeah, it's just more evidence that the habit or practice can be worth so much more than achieving something at a given time. I never would have started to get to this deeper understanding if I hadn't stuck with it for as long as I have.

I completely agree on this! I guess this has never been a better community than now and I am happy to be a part of it. By helping others we are also helping ourselves to stay aware. When I read your story it motivates me to see someone making it further than I ever did and when I read about the struggle of those making it through the first month, it reminds me I never want to go back there. It's also some kind of accountability to write here about progress and not about relapsing (although there would be lots of support of course). Success and support go hand in hand as everybody seems to advance more than ever and I hope we can all keep it that way for a long time! :)

So true! Even in the several months I've been here, I definitely think the community has changed for the better. So many people are doing so well and turning around to support other people. And I think you hit on a lot of the reasons this community can be such a powerful tool for recovery. There's support, there's the chance to see other people succeed, there's the chance to help other people, and there's accountability. That kind of accountability has been huge for me: knowing someone else might read my posts has really helped me to set aside time regularly to check my thoughts and feelings and really figure out where I am and where I'm going. I always had good intentions to do that on my own, but it only really clicked when I started up here.

It helps see that it's possible, that it's normal what's going on. It helps me say: "If he could do it, I should be able too." BlueHeron's tripple digits streak is mind blowing for me right now.

Thanks! Honestly, it's mind blowing for me too sometimes. I always wished it could happen, but I think I never really believed it was possible. It feels like it hasn't been that long, and it feels like it has been a lifetime. For the most part, though, it just feels like getting through one more day.

Today was the second to last day of the orientation thing, and I am ready for a break! It has been going pretty well, though, so I shouldn't complain. Just tired. I'm starting to feel the earliest signs of a cold coming on (I'm sure it has to do with being around a bunch of people all day and also not getting as much sleep this past week). So I'm going to hit the vitamin C pretty hard and maybe try to get to bed earlier tonight (better to be healthy than productive).

Other than that, not much to say. Lately, porn has felt more like a memory than a present threat. I'm happy about that, but I also don't want to get complacent. 5 months and change is only the tip of the iceberg of the rest of my life.

Here's to a great tomorrow!

Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #454 on: August 14, 2019, 05:54:40 AM »
I’m glad you are here, you are such an amazing warrior and an even better friend. You are an inspiration to me and many more, stay awesome  :)

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #455 on: August 14, 2019, 06:05:52 PM »
I’m glad you are here, you are such an amazing warrior and an even better friend. You are an inspiration to me and many more, stay awesome  :)


Thanks a lot! I really appreciate it!

Today was a pretty good day. The orientation ended, and school starts next week. I have a lot of things to take care of tomorrow now that I have some time to myself again (like laundry, lol).

For tonight, though, I think I'm just going to crash. I'm definitely feeling worn out, but more in an "I've worked hard" kind of way than in an "I'm discouraged and exhausted" kind of way. So I guess that's pretty good.

160 days today, something like 3 weeks away from 6 months.

Lero

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #456 on: August 15, 2019, 02:35:28 AM »
Oh shit, man! 6 fucking months! This is outstanding self-control. I have almost 1 month too.

achilles heel

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #457 on: August 15, 2019, 05:25:35 PM »
Your success seems still awesome to me, despite not much news you still manage to write about your progress constantly and focus on recovery. That's the key, not taking abstinence for granted.

Lately, porn has felt more like a memory than a present threat.

I want to reach that point too, "present threat" describes pretty well how I feel about porn. It's being afraid of that triggering image that leads to the careless moment of google searching a picture and stumbling across non-nudes that sooner or later lead back to real porn. I guess my 2 1/2 months are not enough, you reached twice the distance towards your latest relapse yet and really established a new life. Good to see, porn lost its "power" to scare you.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #458 on: August 15, 2019, 05:37:06 PM »
Thanks Lero!

Your success seems still awesome to me, despite not much news you still manage to write about your progress constantly and focus on recovery. That's the key, not taking abstinence for granted.

Lately, porn has felt more like a memory than a present threat.

I want to reach that point too, "present threat" describes pretty well how I feel about porn. It's being afraid of that triggering image that leads to the careless moment of google searching a picture and stumbling across non-nudes that sooner or later lead back to real porn. I guess my 2 1/2 months are not enough, you reached twice the distance towards your latest relapse yet and really established a new life. Good to see, porn lost its "power" to scare you.

And thanks, achilles! I'm glad the slow news of my current phase of recovery is still helpful and not boring. There are definitely still positive changes to look forward to as you continue to progress. I've been aware of things that have been triggers for me, but they don't inspire the same immediate, intense craving that they used to. More and more, it seems like maybe these triggers are moving out of my body and just into my thoughts if that makes sense. Like now I'll have the thought, "Oh, that is something that has been and could be triggering for me, so I better not mess with it." In the past it was more like, "Whoa, my body is freaking out, that was a trigger, go into emergency evasive maneuvers!"

I have had two longer streaks in my life, and it didn't take much for me to slip back into a PMO cycle. So even if it's all less urgent and difficult, it's still important to stay vigilant. This streak, as I'm sure I've said before, is pretty fundamentally different from the others, though: this one isn't an accident. The first long streak was because I had really limited internet access for a while, and the second one was probably just because I was in a relationship and was really trying to be on my best behavior. But this time, the only reason I have had to stay clean was the pure motive to kick the habit, and I know exactly what I have done to get to this point. This streak isn't a lucky accident; it's hard work, and I'm grateful for whatever changed in me that let me get this far this time (and for all of y'all's life-changing support!). But it's still just the beginning!

Today was a way calmer day than I have had in a long time. The emotional high point was doing laundry, lol.

For real, though, I had a weird kind of happiness when I was doing laundry today. It was a quiet day, I was back in my routine, and I was doing something to take care of myself and get back on track (I was on my last set of clean clothes). I think there really is something to good routines, at least for me. It just felt good to be doing laundry (and I never thought I would say that, lol!)

I have developed some good routines during this summer break from school, like working out and reading at night instead of using screens right up to bedtime. I have also fallen out of other good routines (like scheduling my days). I want to take some time (hopefully tomorrow) to look at my schedule for the school year and to figure out some regular blocks of time for developing good routines. I usually let school control my life when it's in session, and I really don't want to go back to that kind of life. I want to stay in control and keep school from taking over everything, and I think that can only happen if I'm more deliberate with my time and routines.

Still sort of on the brink of getting sick, doing my best to keep the symptoms away!

Lero

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #459 on: August 15, 2019, 06:15:04 PM »
I want to reach that point too, "present threat" describes pretty well how I feel about porn. It's being afraid of that triggering image that leads to the careless moment of google searching a picture and stumbling across non-nudes that sooner or later lead back to real porn. I guess my 2 1/2 months are not enough, you reached twice the distance towards your latest relapse yet and really established a new life. Good to see, porn lost its "power" to scare you.

Yeah, I want to reach that place too. Right now, when porn is so vivid in my mind and the craving is there, a day when this doesn't bother me anymore seems unreal, because when was the last time when I didn't crave porn? When I was 12 or something? After so many years, I forgot what it means to be porn free. Okay, I understand that maybe we won't really be totally porn free but I'm talking about being left alone most of the time and not bombarded by fucking craving, urges, flashbacks.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #460 on: August 16, 2019, 06:36:52 PM »
Another quieter day for me today. I was going to have a meeting this morning but it got rescheduled, so I ended up with way more time on my hands than I was planning on.

I spent the day getting ready for the weekend. I have a lot on my plate tomorrow, so I wanted to get things taken care of today so that I won't have to worry about it tomorrow.

I have also been pretty worried about losing control of my life again once school starts, so I wrote out a list of things that I want to get done and started to make a weekly chart so that I can visualize how much time I will actually have to still get things done during the semester.

I always feel like I never have any time, but putting the hours of the day into a spreadsheet and actually visualizing the amount of time that school will take made me see just how much time I have if I can be careful enough to use it well. It's still a work in progress, but even starting with it has really made me less nervous about what's coming.

Also, I have been noticing a few quiet urges throughout the last couple days. Nothing I want to get too worried about, but definitely something to stay alert to.

Here's to a great weekend!

AustinGr33n

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #461 on: August 16, 2019, 09:48:33 PM »
I'm new to the community but just wanted to say I'm super impressed with your streak man! Very inspiring.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #462 on: August 17, 2019, 06:34:23 PM »
I'm new to the community but just wanted to say I'm super impressed with your streak man! Very inspiring.

Thanks, man! Yeah, the length of someone's streak can be impressive, but I only got there by just focusing on getting through one more day. There's no glamorous secret to it, just keeping myself on track one day at a time. It has helped me a lot to set smaller goals. At first, I declared that I was going to go 100 days without porn and failed pretty quick. But then I set a goal to go 30 days. And then 30 more. And then 30 more. Reaching too far at once can overwhelm us. Starting small and sticking with it can really add up over time, though.

Today was, honestly, pretty great. I had a church meeting that really boosted my spirits. One of the speakers was talking about something, and he said something like, "Be wise: If you think it can't happen to you, it probably will. If you think it will happen to you, it probably won't." It immediately made me think of all the times that I thought I was invincible...and then relapsed in a couple days. Lately, I have tried to keep myself aware that a relapse is always possible, and that has helped me to stay much stronger for much longer.

If you think a relapse can happen to you, you'll do what you need to do to avoid one. If you think you are immune from a relapse, you won't take care of yourself like you should, and you probably will relapse. I know I have seen that happen over and over in my life.

I know church and religion aren't for everyone here, but I will say that in the past I would have felt really uncomfortable at a meeting like the one I was in today. Because of this addiction, I have spent a lot of my life feeling like a hypocrite or a liar or like I was somehow unworthy of my faith. That's not how I felt today, though. I just felt comfortable and happy to be there. Another sign of progress in my recovery. And, sure, there are years and years of my own effort going into this, but a lot of that recent progress is traceable right back to this community.

So thank you, all of you, for helping me to continue this journey to feeling like and being a better man.

pichaelthompson

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #463 on: August 18, 2019, 02:45:27 PM »
Thank you for sharing that great church experience! I’m not religious myself, but I definitely relate to the speakers message; to me, it stresses the importance of staying humble, and finding freedom through restraint. Keep going, we support you!

Lero

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #464 on: August 18, 2019, 03:04:16 PM »
Thank you for sharing that great church experience! I’m not religious myself, but I definitely relate to the speakers message; to me, it stresses the importance of staying humble, and finding freedom through restraint. Keep going, we support you!

That's right, man. Those who will get rid of the negatives like hate, envy, greed, addictions... will find their piece of mind. I don't know anybody who has them and is happy.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #465 on: August 19, 2019, 05:22:44 PM »
Thanks guys!

I ended up on a long phone call with an old friend last night, so I ran out of time to post. We hadn't talked in a long, long time, so it was good to catch up.

Today was a pretty chill day, but I'm not feeling super great about it. Really, I think I'm mostly just nervous about school starting up. The last two school years have been the hardest ones for me, and it feels like I'm just getting ready to have an awful time all over again. That's the wrong attitude, and I'm working at it, but it's still how I feel when things get quiet. I started looking at all the work I'm going to have to do this semester. To be fair, it's less than last semester, but it still feels like a lot. I also bought books today and, for a cheapskate like me, that was a bummer.

So I guess I'm just complaining. I woke up with higher hopes for the day, but sometimes the day just falls flat. That's okay. That's why we have so many of them.

Lately, I don't know that I have been feeling urges, but I have been feeling vulnerable to them if that makes any sense. Sort of like my mind and body feel especially sensitive to triggers, so it has taken some extra careful thinking and effort to make sure they don't go anywhere.

I guess on the bright side I walked past a poster of a nude woman at the bookstore today without even realizing that's what it was until after I was doing down the stairs. The only reaction then was "Huh, I'm surprised they would have that here." So that could have been a very dangerous trigger, and I'm glad I was too wrapped up in my own thoughts at the moment to get tripped up by it. (One of the very small perks of worrying, I guess, lol.)

Oh well, on to another day!

Do or die

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #466 on: August 19, 2019, 10:02:08 PM »
Its good to think about real life problems. Urges makes you anexious . but this withdrawals also makes you strong.
Its not about stopping. Its about to accept that you are stopped it.

Lero

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #467 on: August 20, 2019, 04:20:30 AM »
Porn is the opposite of living. You can't live your life to the fullest and also keep porn around. You have to choose one and it's clear which one all of us should choose. I prefer being bothered by life than bothered by porn. Abstaining from porn should give your energy back (that you used to throw away with edging and PMO) so now it's time to invest it in what things you want to accomplish in life, fuck this fake temporary pleasure and fake soothing that don't do shit.

achilles heel

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #468 on: August 20, 2019, 10:52:35 AM »
It's almost impossible to give you any good advice because you seem to have a rather relaxed view on whatever happens despite feeling nervous about school.

So I guess I'm just complaining. I woke up with higher hopes for the day, but sometimes the day just falls flat. That's okay. That's why we have so many of them.

Deal with expectations that don't come true ist - just like dealing with rejection - a new feeling we need to face in the real world. There is no back door called "porn" to escape negative feelings. But they will pass and your attitude is just right to keep going.

Day by day to a yet amazing success, I'm looking forward to keep following your good example! :)

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #469 on: August 20, 2019, 06:56:58 PM »
It's almost impossible to give you any good advice because you seem to have a rather relaxed view on whatever happens despite feeling nervous about school.

Day by day to a yet amazing success, I'm looking forward to keep following your good example! :)

Thanks a lot, achilles! Advice is overrated anyway, lol. Your support means way more anyway!

Today was kind of another parade of disappointments. I had meetings at school that went longer than they were supposed to, so I ended up not eating all day. Then, when I was finally done with meetings and going to grocery store to pick up a couple of things, it started raining so hard! Tired, frustrated, hungry, and soaked! By the time I was leaving the store, I was almost laughing at the day, like it just kept saying, "Oh, you don't think it can get any worse? How about torrential rain?"

So the semester is off to a pretty trash start, and it's only lasted for a day, lol. Oh well, maybe it's just a way of making the days to come seem much better by comparison.

The good news is that I don't have any classes tomorrow, so I can hopefully make up for the some of the time I lost the last two days. I also have a barbecue tomorrow night, which will hopefully be a good chance for some low-stress socializing.

Once I got home, I dried off, put on some comfortable clothes, made a warm dinner, and sat down to a funny tv show. The day is definitely ending on a higher note. I think I'll sleep pretty well tonight, lol.

Let's go see what tomorrow will bring!

pichaelthompson

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #470 on: August 20, 2019, 07:29:13 PM »
Sorry to hear about your struggles with school BlueHeron, but I think it's natural to feel the way you felt about your day. Everyone has a bad day, sometimes that's all it is and we can move on knowing there will be better days ahead.

I too am feeling a sense of dread with the upcoming school year; for me, it is not only the work, but also trying to find my way in a community that I felt lost and alone in so much last year. I'm trying to see this year as a new opportunity, a fresh start; but I also know I have to make some changes from last year and just put myself out there more. Sorry for hijacking your forum lol, just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in your feelings about school, but within that, there is a chance for opportunity and positive change.

squid

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #471 on: August 20, 2019, 10:18:37 PM »
I hope you have a magnificent school year blue.  I have a feeling you'll settle in and be a top student.  Sending you good vibes and sunshine

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #472 on: August 21, 2019, 11:20:27 AM »
Sorry you such a shitty first day back. You know what struck me in your last post about your post? Despite the day being the perfect occasion to say 'fuck it' and peak at P, you didn't. If I were in your shoes, I'd be very proud :)

achilles heel

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #473 on: August 21, 2019, 01:41:14 PM »
Let's go see what tomorrow will bring!

Great attitude, just not letting a temorary negative experience change the overall mindset is a key to success. We were used to run to our instantly-feel-good-drug for far too long and now need to endure ups and downs fully aware of reality. It's great to see you have come that far after half a year and I hope these changes will last!

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #474 on: August 21, 2019, 07:19:56 PM »
O BlueHeronFan,
Some say he's a man,
Some say he's a heron,
I suspect he's a fan,
A fan that can,
Blow out your addiction,
It ain't no fiction,
He's got a knack,
For offering a hack,
O Blue,
How we love you!

...And not in a gay way...
...Sometimes he... eats Pei Wei?

Yeah.